Outline

Psychology 409b 3/16/06

Outline #8

It’s A Personality Thing

By Cynthia Adams

Coleman, Ph. D., Joshua. The Lazy Husband. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2005. (Pages 112-149).

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

1) Personality Behaviors

a) Dr. Coleman suggests that a key part of creating change in a marriage comes from gaining an understanding of how our personalities and those of our partner affect one’s marriage. Furthermore, Dr. Coleman points out that it is important to have an understanding of our past and that of our partners as well.

i) Most of us are unaware of how our past and our partners past have an affect within a marriage.

(1) Our past makes us react to certain type of behavior or communication from one’s partner.

(2) Our past contributes to misperceiving our partner.

(3) Our past make us behave in ways that are confusing or troubling to our partner.

ii) Understanding and determining our partners personality and how he got to be that way is empowering.

(1) Understand our partners personality can correct misperceptions

(2) Help to communicate in ways that do not trigger anxiety, negativity or defensiveness.

2) Personality Types

a) Dr. Coleman suggests that common personality types can create problems within a marriage. He describes many common types and offers advice on how to create change simply by understanding these various personality types.

b) These personality types inclued the following:

i) The Boy Husband.

ii) The Worried Wife and the Worried Husband.

iii) The Perfectionist Wife and the Perfectionist Husband.

iv) The Angry Husband and the Angry Wife.

3) The Boy Husband

a) Women complain that living with a husband who has this type of a personality, is like having another child.

b) However this is sometimes unfair because men assume responsibility in ways that actually benefit women and children.

i) Boy husbands are dependent on their wives in many ways. Dr. Coleman states that women are socialized to feel responsible for others and because of this women have a hart time feeling happy when others are distressed.

ii) Dr. Coleman offers guideline for wives whose partners are boy husbands.

(1) He suggests to be aware of the origin so your feelings of over responsibility

(2) Work toward being more detached those feelings

(a) When detaching from these feelings do so affectionately

(b) Allow for natural consequences to occur in your husband’s life.

vi) According to Dr. Coleman women must gain an understanding why they feel overly responsible.

vii) If a wife’s feeling of over responsibility contribute to her husbands laziness she should in turn ask herself a series of questions, so of these questions are:

a. Do I have a harder time receiving than giving

b. Do I feel burdened by how much time I spend worrying about my spouse?

c. Do I feel guilty if people closest to me are struggling?

vi) A wife should use nonjudgmental language to let her husband know of the change.

a. Give him notice without humiliating him

b. Gradually institute activities where the wife slowly phased out of the tasks, which she wants him to take over.

c. Remember not to expect change overnight

4) The Worried Wife and Worried Husband.

a) Dr. Colman suggests that the worry is often at the core of overtly responsible behavior.

b) A wife should make a conscious decision to remove the worry that is interfering with her life.

i) Take simple steps of learning to tolerate worry

ii) This may involve training herself in using techniques to relax.

c) Excessive worry is more common among women but some men suffer from this problem as well.

d) If you husbands worry interferes with the marriage a wife should practice the following:

i) Do not criticize him for his worry

ii) Tease him if he’ll let you

iii) Don’t allow his worries to rule the roost

iv) Seek medical attention if the problem is of biological nature.

5) The Perfectionist Wife and Husband

a) Studies show that perfectionists often have a hard time enjoying their lives or their marriages.

b) Perfectionists constantly hold themselves and others to a standard which is often unrealistic

i) Being a perfectionist wife is stressful because holding your partner to impossible standards often creates the perception of wanting to gain control

ii) This leads to unhappiness within the marriage and less effective communication

c) Perfectionists husbands are often hard to live with

i) This can lead to a husband who is dominating and controlling

ii) Men who are perfectionist are less likely to be lazy

d) Perfectionist should examine the origins of their feelings and their irrational belief

i) Pick areas to work on and improve whether it be in relaxing certain standards

ii) Works toward improving behaviors you are unhappy within your self and your partner.

6) The Angry Husband and the Angry Wife.

a) The angry husband can be difficult to live with and may treat his wife in a controlling, belittling and domineering way.

i) An angry husband may use his size, loudness to intimidate his wife.

ii) He may be very jealous and restrict the time his wife spends with her friends or family.

b) A wife should develop a plan to free herself from the hold of the angry husband.

i) Learn how past is affecting view of present

ii) State requests with an assumption of cooperation

iii) Do not let an angry husband rule you through intimidation.

(1) Transition from intimidation to being assertive.

(2) Fighting may be inevitable as long as fighting does not lead to verbal or physical abuse and for every fight, marriage partners must find positive exchanges afterward.

iv) Make changes right away, because these changes can make all the difference within a marriage.

c) The angry wife can make their husbands feel resentful and resistant to change.

i) Feelings of anger from a wife can be the result of bringing a lot of hurt and angry feeling from childhood into the marriage.

(1) Women who do this believe that if they let their guard down then others will take advantage of her.

(2) This type of mentality causes her to be suspicious and cynical in her dealing with her husband and often her children and friends.

(3) She may get offended quickly and becomes defensive.

d) An angry wife must move toward self-forgiveness and self-compassion, which increased resilience.

i) These feelings give you control over how you are going to feel about yourself