Report 2:

Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Tani Asato

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm

I answering Questions 4, 10, 13, 7 and 6

I am answering Question 4

Question 4:

(a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, 22, and 23, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students

(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.

(i) their ideas,
(ii) their method,
(iii) their explanations.

(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?

(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

My answer:

From generation 20, I have chosen Duclos:

(a) www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report1.htm

(b) My summary on Duclos’ report 1

This student started her report on summarizing other generation’s reports and articles. Then she goes on to explain about the threefold self. She believes that a couple can become one when all three levels are achieved within unity.

She then concluded with trying to apply what she learned to better herself and her future relationships. She also believes that society would still have the same point of views on gender roles and stereotypes even if the unity concept were to be applied by more and more people. And her future generation tip is to stay on track or a little ahead because this class is time consuming but if you follow the directions than you will be fine.

I agreed with Duclos when she explained the threefold self and how a couple could achieve unity within their relationship if they both understand the levels of the threefold self and the levels of the marriage model. I think differently about her idea on society’s point of view on gender roles and stereotypes changing because if this model is taught to our children within the early school years (intermediate and high school) than we might have a chance to see a change within relationships. We see so much violence so early on within relationships of school couples that it might make a difference if we catch it at the beginning.

(d) To my understanding of what Duclos gained from her report was how to understand more her own personal relationships better by gaining the knowledge of the threefold self concept. She also learned more about the cognitive and biological differences between a male and female. She tends to apply the Spin Cycle facts so she stays on the positive side throughout her days.

(e) The Masculine and Feminine by George H. Woodard article has influenced some of my ideas by expecting reciprocity within the marriage. By applying reciprocity within marriages than the differences in genders are worked together which in turn create a whole (unity). I enjoyed this idea because it gives me hope in achieving just that within my relationship.

From generation 21, I have chosen Lacy:

(a) www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/lacy/409b-g21-report2.doc.htm

(b) My summary on Lacy’s report 2

This student first does a contrast between Deborah Tannen’s views, Laura Schlessinger’s views and Dr. James’ views of gender relationships. She created a flow chart targeting how a male, female or couple has different methods to maintain a marriage by either socially, interpersonally or relationship wise. She also states that Laura Schlessinger is promoting dominance, Deborah Tannen promotes equity and Dr. Leon James is promoting unity in all three methods.

She then summaries other generation’s reports and gives her opinions to what they had to say. Her future generation tip was to expect a challenge and be willing to change precognition concerning relationships.

I thought that the way Lacy did her flow chart was very simple and easy to follow. She showed which views belonged to whom and how it belonged. I enjoyed seeing some of my family members and my boyfriend’s reaction to what was on the flow chart but most of all I enjoyed hearing which they would like to go by within their relationships.

(d) My summary of what Lacy gained from writing her report

It seems to me that Lacy learned that her parents are in the unity model and that they put eachother before themselves. By Lacy understanding the concepts to write this report she then could understand how her parent’s relationship works within the unity model.

(e) The influences that this report had one me

I take to heart her future generation tip because she really hit it on the nose. I totally feel the way she described she felt and also I could relate to the computer illiteracy that she started off with. I too learned a lot of computer skills that I probably wouldn’t have learned if I did not have to for a report. And to that I am grateful for these reports.

From generation 22, I have chosen Kwan:

(a) www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm

(b) My summary of Kwan’s report 2

She goes into explaining the threefold self of individuals and agrees with the unity model. She goes on to explaining the three models of marriage which are dominance, equity and unity. She also chooses sitcoms and points out anti-unity values that are given in the lecture notes provided by Dr. Leon James.

I do not get tired of hearing that someone doesn’t agree with Dr. Laura’s marriage views. Kwan clearly states that she does not agree with a single one of Dr. Laura’s ideas throughout her whole book.

(d) My summary on what Kwan has gained from her report

She has faith in her relationship and hope that one day it would reach the unity level within each of their affective and cognitive selves but for now she seems comfortable within the equity level of their cognitive and affective selves and unity within their sensorimotor selves. She believes that there is eternal happiness and peace.

(e) Influences that I have gained from Kwan’s report

I found that her future generation tip of following the directions exactly and precisely is a must. I also agree with her on not waiting to the last minute to complete the assignments because they are very time consuming.

From generation 23, I have chosen Takahashi:

(a) www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/takahashi/Takahashi-409b-g23-report2.htm

(b) My summary of Takahashi’s report 2

She starts off her report on Power and how each is applied within the views of the people she chose to discuss. For example: Dr. Laura says that the wives have the power within the marriage but misuse it to manipulate and control their husbands. She then discusses the different conversational styles, interruptions, sexual blackmail, and her reactions to previous reports as well.

I enjoyed her layout on each concept. It made it real easy to follow and understand. One of the things that I liked was her interpretation of power after the other four that she reported on. She clearly states that the wives have the power to better their relationships if only the husbands would trust and give it to them.

(d) My summary of what Takahashi gained from her report

It seems as if she learned that real, true love could and should possibly overcome the differences of each individual’s conversational style. It also seems that she has gained the knowledge of prodding within a relationship in a kind and caring manner, so that the men will interpret it as a positive trait rather than a negative one. A major gain that Takahashi has stated was her aware of sexual blackmail being present within her current situation which in turn she made some changes. (Thank goodness)

(e) Influences from Takahashi’s report

To remember that unity works from the outside to the inside of the inmost self. Couples who still live in a flip-flop style of interaction (happiness/hatred) are not connected at all three levels. But that doesn’t mean that they are not connected at maybe one of the unity levels. By reading this and thinking about my relationship I came to realize that we are possibly in the between levels of equity and unity but looking back to the beginning I recall some dominance. I am not saying that I am satisfied with the equity level but I am happy with progress of our relationship which gives me hope that we may one day reach unity at all three levels.

I am answering Question 10

Question 10:

(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?

(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics:

(i) housework
(ii) jealousy, and
(iii) a third area of your own choosing.

My answers:

Provided is a link to section 6 (part A) and section 7 where tables 1a, 1b and 1c are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#conjunction

(a) This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY	7	8	9
EQUITY	4	5	6
DOMINANCE	1	2	3

(a) In table 1a, this ennead chart is read from bottom up and gives each block a zone number which represents the threefold self and the model that governs their interactions. Keep track your daily interactions and which zone it falls under to better your relationship.

The first phase of each model is zones 1, 4, 7 and they consist of the sensorimotor self (external). Then the second phase is zones 2, 5, 8 which is in the cognitive self (internal) and last but highest phase three, zones 3, 6, 9 the affective self (inmost).

This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 rational sensorimotor acts	8 rational cognitive processes	9 rational affective states
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 sensuous sensorimotor acts	5 sensuous cognitive processes	6 sensuous affective states
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 corporeal sensorimotor acts	2 corporeal cognitive processes	3 corporeal affective states

(a) Table 1b, identifies the psychological characteristics that creates a preference for one of the three models.

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their mental unity	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve mental closeness
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their performance or achievement	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about evaluation (How am I doing? Is it the best ever? Is this fair? Different? Etc.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from the partner
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive

(a) Table 1c has sexual behavior applied to each zone of the chart. Now that you have read through an example, replace the characteristics with your own examples of sexual behavior from your own relationship or another couple that you know. After replace the sexual behavior with other topics such as money or lifestyle.

(b) My understanding of Sexual Blackmail

According to the lecture notes, sexual blackmail is basically a dominant act by the husband. This is when the husband puts the wife in a bind that if she doesn’t put out whenever he wants it than he will make her life miserable. Usually the husband will become silent and give the wife the cold shoulder until she gives in. The husband is forcing his wife to give up her human rights of dignity, freedom and sanity.

Many times in class as we go over Dr. Laura’s views within the readings of her book The Proper care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. James will point out how she is supporting this sexual blackmail concept that wives should give their husbands sex whenever he wants it whether they are in the mood or not because he is working hard providing for the family and her. That is basically one of the wives responsibilities to fulfill.

I have to admit that when I had first heard this concept mentioned in class, I was in disbelief. It was hard at first for me to consider this could exist in a marriage but as class went on and more and more situations occurred within the readings that were pointed out as sexual blackmail against the wife, I started to accept the possibility. Now that I am aware of this concept, I had quickly pointed out as I watched Tina Turner’s movie of her life with Ike and now I do believe that there can be such a thing as sexual blackmail or rape within a marriage. I was very appalled by this actually occurring within relationships.

My male friend is totally in the dominant model meaning that he thinks a wife or girlfriend should give sex to the husband or boyfriend whenever he is in the mood because that is how she will show him that she loves him. He states that he will by all means get her in the mood to put out and he usually gets his way. When I had asked him about mental intimacy in exchange, he had no clue what that was. So I had concluded that is why he is always with different girls because when they finally realize that they are not gaining anything from him they leave.

My female friend had the same reactions as I did when I had first informed her about this concept. After giving her some examples she then could recall some sexual blackmail situations that her ex-boyfriend had put her in. Thus we concluded that is why they are not together anymore.

(i) Housework

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS pleasures of sharing the housework	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the importance of housework	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to get the housework done
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS physical pleasures in return for helping with the housework	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about evaluation (comparison of work load? Is this the right way? Etc.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with partner of how much is being done
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Demands that the partner have the house clean, meals prepared, and clothes washed	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner that things aren’t clean enough or done properly	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be his maid

(ii) Jealousy

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS no need for opposite sex interaction, partner is good enough	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about conjuction and there is no room for jealousy	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve closeness within eachother
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS still some fights about opposite sex interaction	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about other fishes in the sea	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to create that jealous feeling aroused in partner
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Having control over the partner by not allowing opposite sex interaction	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner through jealousy	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to control partner through jealousy

(iii) Childcare

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS pleasures of sharing the child care load	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their children’s wellbeing	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve closeness to one another and children
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS physical pleasures when helping out with child care	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about evaluation (comparison of amount of work? Is this fair? Who’s doing what? Etc.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with partner of how much has been done already
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Having the partner do all the child care needed	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to watch the children	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be a mother and a wife

(d) Data collection

The above tables are examples of the threefold self within the unity model of marriage and how to achieve each level or zone. No step can be skipped to a higher one; couples must go through each in order for their relationship to grow together. And of course a wife is always striving for unity, so just a reminder the tables above are the male’s perspectives meaning that the male wants the partner to do the housework, cook the meals and wash the clothes.

I am answering Question 13

Question 13:

(a) Describe the Web presence of Schlessinger, Tannen, Coleman, and Swedenborg. What does one find when looking them up with google?

(b) What do people say about them?

(d) Are they popular?

(e) How do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?

(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.

My answers:

(a) Findings within Google on Schlessinger, Tannen, Coleman and Swedenborg

Laura Schlessinger: Her books are the first link, then her website, a definition according to Wikipedia, and then some mix links of fans for Laura’s views and some against her views.

Deborah Tannen: The first link is to her web page and then selections of her pieces, there is a biography site on her, her books and quotes.

Joshua Coleman: The first link is to his web page displaying his books. There is a lot of websites that have a younger picture of him and a little recap on his life as a child.

Emanuel Swedenborg: I found a lot of church websites that are practicing Swedenborg’s theories and concepts. There are quite a few churches that has taken in Swedenborg’s findings.

(b) Responses of the public:

Laura Schlessinger: this one website states that Laura does not deserve to be called doctor because she is not a physician nor does she have a PhD. This site claims that Laura used fake guests on her short-lived TV show. Another site is the lesbian and gay activism, StopDrLaura.com link.

Deborah Tannen: There were quite a few papers on Tannen’s work. It seems that people use her material in their papers to discuss discourse between genders.

Joshua Coleman: People seem to like to talk about how Coleman was a good student and they seem to like to show his youthful side.

Emanuel Swedenborg: Swedenborg is known as a philosopher and spiritual explorer. They also claim that his writings represent a ‘new church’ and a new spiritual era.

Laura Schlessinger: the StopDrLaura.com site has generated 14 million+ hits since the March 1 launch. I am assuming that her website attracts a lot of online mothers and surely influences them. On her website there are many books and also an exercise with mother Laura tips section.

Deborah Tannen: Tannen influenced people to take a look at communication styles and conversations. She brings to the surface that we all have our own styles but it is how we take notice of other’s in order to communicate better and more effectively.

Joshua Coleman: He got a lot of rave on his first feature-film “Games people play: New York.” Statements that he did a great job and seemed loose, funny and charismatic were found on almost all of the websites.

Emanuel Swedenborg: Swedenborg has influenced the religions to believe a new idea and to form a new belief. It seems that many people take his writings countable because of his background and take on things scientifically.

(d) Are they popular?

Laura Schlessinger: I haven’t heard about Dr. Laura until this class but now that I am aware that she exists I hear more and more about her radio show. I still have not listened to her radio show yet but a few of my classmates have and said that they had to turn her off soon after tuning to her.

Deborah Tannen: It seems as if she is quite popular especially as a reference to write a paper on.

Joshua Coleman: It seems that after that first feature-film audition it has made him a little popluar.

Emanuel Swedenborg: It seems among the church scene, he really is popluar.

(e) My reactions to the Web information

Laura Schlessinger: I honestly do not think that people should follow her views and concepts. She is not adding to the gender equality that we are striving for in the society these present days. Women should not be the house mothers and they should not be fully responsible to maintain it all by themselves. These days since women are going out and making half and if not even more of the household income the household duties should be equal between the husband and wife. I hope that her website is not popular because I see her views as a step-back to human kind.

Deborah Tannen: Although she tries to keep her points of views equal and to not take sides, she still seems to be more on the women’s back in changing. Or at times she may misinterpret how a women communicates and seems more lenient on men.

Joshua Coleman: I probably would not have known that Coleman was an actor and an author if I wasn’t in this course. So this was information that maybe useful later but right now it isn’t.

Emanuel Swedenborg: Getting a background of Swedenborg scientifically and his findings and theories.

(f) Reactions of my friends on ideas from:

Laura Schlessinger: My sister does not agree with her views that woman should be the one to maintain the household duties all by her self but she can see how that traditional mind set can still play a role within the present society. She used our grandmother as an example, stating that our grandmother would be a perfect candidate for Laura’s model wife. She thinks that if the younger generations pick up on their grandparents’ relationships, there could be some who will end up as a wife that does everything.

Deborah Tannen: Some reactions of my friends is that she tries to keep the grounds equal but if you look into what she really is saying, she tends to criticize women more harshly than the men.

Joshua Coleman: My friends believed that he was just covering up how he really feels about women needing to change to make their marriage work. He tries to manipulate women by using similar communication styles in order to make women think that there are in his best interest but he really is speaking for men.

Emanuel Swedenborg: Common reactions towards Swedenborg are that there were many others who had similar concepts before his views. His concepts are not new just in a different point of view and perspective.

I am answering Question 7

Question 7:

(a) Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple.

(b) Use some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple.

(c) How do these data help you in assess the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the unity model?

(d) How do you explain these observations--what do they show or why are things this way with that couple?

(e) Explain how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture, and spirituality.

My answers to Question 7:

(a) Table 5 from the lecture notes given by Dr. Leon James, will be used for answering Question 7.

Here are some possible areas of observation for the threefold self of husband and wife.

This is Table 5

Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4 ,7

1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote

2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch

3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to

4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.

5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others

6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self

7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react

8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other

9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together

10. What are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting

11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics

12. Who is attentive to the other

13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things

15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers

16. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8

1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how

2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)

3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)

4. What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g., dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them, etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)

5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem

6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife

7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas

8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)

9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husands need thier own hobbies" etc.

10. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9

1. How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events, preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)

2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.

3. How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling free to raise and talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other, and so on)

4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not

5. How much do the partners abuse or hurt each other (e.g., retaliation, punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)

6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)

7. How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can (e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies, house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own (e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping separately)

8. How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?

9. etc.

(b) My observations of my relationship within the threefold self

Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4, 7

1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote

o He wants to hold the remote control however he’ll turn it to what I want to watch

2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch

o We each chose a video we want to watch and watch them together

3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to

o I usually choose because he asks where I want to go

4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.

o He would ask what I’m going to wear when we go out and then he asks if what he chooses matches

5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others

o None of us requested any changes but I believe that we had just adapted each other’s behavior

6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self

o I feel as if he is still in the cognitive and affective equity model. He tends to at times make me feel like my views are wrong and his are correct no matter what. But usually over time the same situation would arise and he would see my views are best. As for his affective self, I’ve noticed that he tends to keep things from me even I ask for more details or information.

7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react

o I believe it is consensual

8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other

o We either walk side-by-side or he has me walk in front if we are single-file. We usually hold hands or link arms and walk as one. As for tasks at home, I’ve noticed that if he starts to do chores I’ll chip in but if I start chores usually he won’t budge. As for sitting beside each other, I personally like to cuddle and be close however he likes his space. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll cuddle or hold me for awhile but he will soon let go after awhile.

9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together

o We usually are doing our own things (him watching tv, playing video games, cooking and I’m usually doing homework, paper work for work or watching tv), so we are preoccupied. But when watching tv together, we would almost always turn to each other or say similar things at the same moments of the show.

10. What are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting

o As for tastes the one thing that we both had in common been not eating seafood but he’s now eating more of it (could be due to my family being seafood eaters). We both enjoy sweets, especially together (ice cream, cake). As for colors, we both like dark and earthy shades. We pick out his colognes together or I buy him a bottle as a gift.

11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics

o Usually he changes the subject or becomes silent.

12. Who is attentive to the other

o I pay more attention to the day to day situations, conversations, feelings/emotions, events but he surprises me whenever I least expect it. For instance, this semester I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with my classes and he will ask me at the end of the day how my presentations went or how my papers are going. He also almost always gets me what I want for Christmas and my birthday. So I guess to answer the question, we both are attentive towards each other in our own ways.

13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

o He usually doesn’t answer or looks away and avoids. As for me, I am the one to ignore and/or walk away.

14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things

o Throughout all of the years that we have been together we have not thrown things and only once he had gotten so angry that he had punched the door to our closet. Screaming and yelling-no but rising of the voice-yes a few times. As for hurtful words, I am guilty of that meaning that I have said more than one occasion for him to pack up his things and leave because he did not make me feel like I was on the top of his priority list. And I must admit I said that because I new that it would hurt him, which it did.

15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers

o We both do it is just that I write them in an organizer and he marks it in his mind. He knows and has never forgotten the day we started dating (anniversary), he knows what we did, where we went on our first date, and he hasn’t failed yet to bring me flowers on Valentine’s Day.

16. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8

1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how

o We do not seem to think that anyone controls the other however we just do whatever for the sake of making the other happy (for the most part)

2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)

o I believe we are more of equity with a little unity model, as for sharing work he usually does the bathroom/maintains the cars/cooks & I do the dishes/tend to our cat/vacuum, we both have full time jobs, our finances are separate for now and as far as responsibilities I believe it is for the most part equal

3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)

o The most often thing that is influenced among each other is family, I am very family oriented where he is not. So he comments on why we have to do everything with my family and I comment on not doing enough with his. He doesn’t understand at times why I feel I have to be so loyal to my family because he isn’t

o I think that we are for the most part happy with each other’s own personality and habits however I catch myself trying to get him to be more polite to others

o I noticed even more (after this course) that he at times doesn’t respond to my views. There are some topics that he seems interested in and I try to show him that I enjoy when he responds but I guess he hasn’t picked up on it yet

5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem

o We haven’t had a serious disagreement that we couldn’t resolve yet

6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife

o During this course, I asked him if he thinks that we’ll be together in the afterlife but he just smiled at me without any answer. So I explained what I learned in the class but he still hasn’t given me an answer

7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas

o It seems as if he only likes to hear about certain areas that I learn about (e.g., different personalities/disorders) and I think that I pretend well enough that I like to hear about cars/sports/etc.

8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)

o It seems to me that he has touchy or sensitive topics that he doesn’t share much about when the topic arises. Every so often he may give share more and more but then drops the subject. I noticed that I share almost everything with him

9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husbands need their own hobbies" etc.

o It seems as if neither of us believes in the marriage myths however we also don’t think that just because we are married we don’t need to be “opihi’s”, meaning doing everything together or not doing something because the other doesn’t want to

10. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9

o I must admit that he is very good with remembering important dates/events and my preferences. And of course I know and I also log those dates/events in my calendar.

2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.

o I would like to say that I feel I put him before anyone or anything first however he has voiced before that I tend to favor my family a little more at times. As for him, there has been some big improvements with showing me that I come before his friends because there has been some issues along those lines before.

o We still have things to work on and we both agreed in trying.

4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not

o I would like to say that my motivation to put each other ahead of everything else is to make the other feel important and cared about.

o I would have to say that we need some work in this area, meaning that we give each other the silent treatment sometimes or make uncalled for remarks and comments.

6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)

o We stop what we are doing to give each other a kiss before leaving for work and when we come home from work. We hold hands or give each other tight squeezes. He on special occasions still does something romantic and unexpected (anniversary, Valentine’s day, etc).

o On the weekdays during the day, we are separate because we go to work or school. On the weekends or on our days off together we do things together-grocery shopping, lunch, surfing, each other’s soccer game, watching t.v. shows/movies together, mall, etc.

8. How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?

o I believe that he is my ideal man, at this point of my life I do not see myself with another man. I believe that I am his ideal woman because during a few of our past fights when I had threatened him to pack his things and leave, he had told me that “he wouldn’t be able to live without me and that I am his everything”.

9. etc.

I am answering Question 6

Question 6:

(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women.

(b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.

My answer to Question 6