Report 1
Monitoring
Anti-Unity Values in the Media
By Lauren
Teani Buchner
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report1.htm
Anti-Unity Values: How to Prevent a Spiritual Union
1. Living
together unmarried
2. Having
children out of wedlock
3. Making
each other jealous on purpose
4. Adultery
for various reasons
5. Promiscuity
and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy
dressing for men other than one's partner
7. Having
a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for
certain things
8. Having
a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition
for certain things
9. Same
sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their
partners
10. Flirting
with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate
interests and activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating
partner through deception
13. Accepting
the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting
the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them
with their faults, etc.
15. Girls
only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance
of the idea that men are more important
17. Promoting
the idea that men are more rational than women
18. Promoting
the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making
it look normal for a man to exploit women
20. Making
it look normal for a man to abuse women
21. Making it
look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept
and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being
dominant, etc.)
22. Making
it look like what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting
the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for
something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for
more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable"
etc.)
This table is from: Section 20, Table 9 in ÒThe Unity Model of Marriage,Ó Lectue
Notes version 11d by, Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl.
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations
Anti-Unity
Values are those which hinder a couple from entering an affective, spiritual
conjoining which can only be found in the Unity stage of the Unity Model of
Marriage. In order to fully
understand the importance AUVs have on a relationship, one must become familiar
with the basis of the Unity Model of Marriage and itÕs concepts.
There
are three stages within the Unity Model: Stage 1- The Dominance Model, Stage 2-
The Equity Model, and Stage 3- The Unity Model. Each stage runs parallel with the idea of the IndividualÕs
Threefold Self and the affective, congnitive, and sensorimotor domains of
behavior. The sensorimotor self
controls and operates the physicality of our relationships. It is in charge of what we do and say
towards one another and the basic sensations that we feel when with each
other.
The Dominance Model (Stage1) is the
idea of the sensorimotor selves of the wife and husband conjoining
together. This is the normal,
first step of many relationships and it is when the couple is discovering the
things and activities that they both enjoy doing together (for example:
surfing, dancing, reading, etc.).
This stage of the relationship is so named the Dominance model because
it is the stage in which the husband is the one exerting power within the
partnership by maintaining his independence from his wife.
The Equity Model (Stage 2) involves
the conjoining of not just the sensorimotor selves of each partner, but also
the cognitive selves of the individuals.
In the stage the husband is willing to partially let go of his
independence to understand the wife and Òmeet her halfway.Ó This model is what society would
probably refer to as a good marriage.
It is a relationship based on equality principles and externally the
husband and wife can seem unified.
However the husband still maintains his independence where and when he
chooses and the couple can easily fall back into the Dominance Model because of
this.
The Unity Model (Stage 3) is when
the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves of both partners finally
conjoin completely. It is the
final stage in earthly marriages and it is a spiritual marriage Òtill endless
eternity in the afterlife.Ó Both
partners are always acting and thinking as if the other is around. Nothing is hidden or kept from one
another and their relationship is the top priority and the most intimate in
both of their lives. The husband
always acts in regard to his wifeÕs feelings and well being and is not
self-centered or focused on his own needs or wants.
Anti
unity values are ways that individuals in relationships ruin or prevent their
progress towards the Unity Model of marriage. They are commonly showcased by
todayÕs media through movies and music and we have become so desensitized by
the mediaÕs constant negative portrayal of marriage that most of us would not
be able to easily point out an anti unity value without closer
examination.
For
example, Living Together Unmarried (A.U.V.#1) is extremely
commonplace in todayÕs society and Promiscuity and Bi-Sexuality (A.U.V.#5) is becoming
more acceptable. A few years ago,
two women kissing on screen was considered a highly controversial and
scandalous act. However Brokeback
Mountain, a story about a true homosexual love affair, is the most
critically acclaimed film of the year.
The times are changing and we are blind to the effects it may one day
have on our gender interactions.
I have chosen to focus on the reports of Cloe
Bernstein and Lacey Ethier from generation 23 to illustrate the use of Anti
Unity Values by the media through television shows. Both Cloe and Lacey did a great job of finding anti-unity
values by each closely examining three televion series or dramas and explaining
their findings in regards to the Unity Model of Marriage.
B.1) Lacey Ethier: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/ethier/etheir-409b-g23-report2.htm
Lacey
focused this portion of her report on The O.C., Desperate Housewives, and GreyÕs
Anatomy. Within The O.C. she found
the promotion of Promiscuity and Bi-Sexuality (A.U.V.#5), Making
Each Other Jealous On Purpose (A.U.V.#3), having Separate Interests and
Activities Accepted for Partners (A.U.V.#11), and the Promoting
of the Idea that Men are More Rational than Women (A.U.V#17).
Within Desperate Housewives she also
found numerous AUVs such as Adultery for Various Reasons (A.U.V.#4) being
performed by one wife and then being followed up by that wifeÕs husband. The Manipulating of the Partner
Through Deception (AUV#12), Living Together Unmarried (A.U.V.#1), and the Promoting
of the Idea that One Should Not Try to Change OneÕs Partner but Should Accept
Them with Their Faults, etc (A.U.V.#14). This last anti unity value was seen through one wifeÕs
desire to get back together with her ex-murderer husband.
Lastly, in GreyÕs Anatomy, she again
found the promotion of Living Together Unmarried (A.U.V.#1), Adultery
for Various Reasons (A.U.V.#4), Accepting Each OtherÕs Flaws
(A.U.V.#14), and Promiscuity (A.U.V.#5) through the sexual mixing of
partners within each episode.
I am surprised at how many anti
unity values can be found in shows that only run once or maybe twice a
week. It is disturbing that this
much sexual promiscuity is encouraged through these very popular shows and that
this could end up negatively affecting societyÕs influence on marriage
relations.
B.2) Cloe Bernstein: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/bernstein/bernstein-409b-g23-report2.htm
Cloe chose to examine
similar television shows to illustrate her understanding of anti unity values
and the Unity Model of Marriage.
These three show were Everybody Loves Raymond, Sex and the City, and
Desperate Housewives.
She found that in Everybody Love Raymond there was an
encouragement of male dominance within the marriage through an exhibition of a
womanÕs servitude and duty to her husband and his family. The husband and wifeÕs relationship is
not exclusively intimate in that RaymondÕs family members are always
involved. There is also a
promotion of Same Sex Friends Going Out as a Group for Fun and Entertainment
Without Their Partners (A.U.V.#9) and this can be seen through RayÕs golf trips
with his male friends.
In
Sex and the City, Living
Together Unmarried (A.U.V.#1) and Promiscuity and Bi-Sexuality (A.U.V. #5) are the most prevalent
anti unity values along with Having a Child Out of Wedlock (A.U.V.#2). In Desperate Housewives Cloe found many of the
same AUVs that Lacey mentioned finding, such as Adultery (A.U.V.#4) and Making Each
Other Jealous On Purpose (A.U.V.#3).
I
find it sad that these shows are so popular and have won numerous awards and
yet they hardly promote anything positive in regards to the Unity Model of Marriage. Many of the scenarios that these
television shows base their storylines on are from the lives of real
individuals and their relationships.
Adultery and divorce have become so common within our society that we
donÕt even bat an eye when we see these topics portrayed on television. Nowadays, having a child out of wedlock
and raising him or her well and on your own is a symbol of strength and
tenacity. I didnÕt realize how
prevalent anti unity values were in the media and in society because we are socialized
to accept them as the norm. This
is unfortunate and I only hope that one day it can change.
The
movie I have chosen to examine is The Story of Us, a film released in
1999, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeifer, that portrays the reality of
many of todayÕs marriages and how easy it is for couples to let life get in the
way of their relationship. I love
this movie because it grasps every aspect of gender relations and communication
through its witty dialogue and attention to detail. Ben (Willis) and Katie (Pfeifer) have been married for 15
years and have been fighting for the last five. They have two adolescent children together (Josh and Erin)
and throughout the movie focus their attention on hiding the failing marriage
from their perceptive children when they are all together. Anti-Unity Values are at the heart of
this entire movie and it is an excellent film to use in analyzing how the media
promotes these AUVs and also the Dominance and Equity model of marriage.
The
first few scenes of the film are clips of present and past stages of their
relationship and individual sessions in which Katie or Ben is discussing the
state of their relationship to the camera as if they were with a
counselor. One scene opens up with
their family at the dinner table, talking about their personal ÒhighsÓ and
ÒlowsÓ of the day. In all outward
appearances Ben and Katie have a comfortable marriage, however once the
children leave the table their smiles instantly disappear and it is as if a
wall goes up between them. They
talk briefly about their upcoming anniversary and that whatever they do they
just have to make sure that the children see them leaving the house
together. Another scene is then
shown from the very beginning of their relationship and it portrays a young,
spontaneous, and playful couple just enjoying each other for who they are and
for all their differences that at that time seemed to compliment each other. Each scene thereafter during the filmÕs
first few minutes shows how the marriage began to fall apart and how and why
they ended up detesting each other on their anniversary.
Another
cluster of scenes in the movie parallels the dissolution of the marriage with
the dwindling of sex within the relationship. In these scenes Katie is at lunch with her two girl friends
and they are discussing what cheating is and the differing views of sex between
a husband and a wife. At the same
time, Ben is at lunch with his guy friends discussing the same topics, however
the two men Ben is with are more focused on the sex that they arenÕt getting
and the two women Katie is with are more focused on the sex that they avoid
having. At one point in the menÕs
conversation the more vulgar of the friends describes the convenience of online
sex and attempts to justify his acts by saying that it does not constitute
cheating. One very important scene within these exchanges showcases an issue
that Katie still holds on to presently and brings up during some of their
arguments. In this scene they are
arguing because Katie feels that Ben has cheated on her. She describes walking in on him telling
a female co-worker intimate details about their relationship. She assumes that he must therefore have
an intimate relationship with his co-worker if they are close enough to talk
about his personal (and what should be private) relationship with his
wife.
Another
important group of scenes occur after they have taken their children to summer
camp. With the kids not there to
witness their marital problems, they are free to separate and Ben moves into a
motel and then eventually gets his own place. However the time apart from each other seems to offer a sort
of clarity in regards to their feelings for each other and they both show signs
of missing the other. After
finding an excuse to meet (Ben needed to pick up his dry cleaning) they agree
to have dinner at ÒtheirÓ house.
The dinner involves flirting and a rediscovery of their attraction for
each other. They make their way to
the bedroom in an attempt to consummate their newfound need for each other but
once they cross the threshold Katie tenses up and her uncomfortability with the
situation is apparent. They begin
to humorously discuss the quirks of their past marriage counselors and
eventually end up on the bed together.
After the discussing of a freudian counselor with a prostate problem,
the parents of Ben and Katie end up on the bed with them, portraying the effect
that their parents have had on the way they each approach the relationship and
interact within it. While Ben and
Katie continue their conversation the parents are throwing in their two cents
on what Ben and Katie are talking about.
What the parents end up saying is eventually repeated by either Ben or
Katie and an argument ensues, furiously escalating until Ben tells Katie that
she has become her mother (a dreadful, seemingly unaffectionate,
perfectionist). Reconciliation is
not the result of their night together and they decide to get divorced.
The
last few scenes of I want to illustrate are towards the end of the movie. In the first few scenes, both Ben and
Katie are receiving advice from their best friends (Rachel and Stan) who are
married to each other. Ben is complaining to Stan about the status of his
relationship and Stan in turn philosophizes happiness in a relationship as
being an illusion. He says that
fear and guilt are the only reasons that people stay together. ÒStaying together and living happily
ever after are an illusion...love is lust in disguise.Ó Following their interaction Rachel and Katie are
also discussing the status of the relationship and Katie blames it on BenÕs
immaturity and inability to grow up and change. To this Rachel responds that BenÕs playfulness and
spontaneity were some of the reasons Katie fell in love with him and that, ÒYou
are at 80 what you are at 8, people donÕt change.Ó At the end of the movie, when they go
to pick up the kidÕs from summer camp, Katie has a sort of revelation and
reviews all the cruel things they have said to each other during the course of
the last few years. After going
through everything she turns to him and you can tell that she is seeing him in
a different light. She sees that
the wiper fluid is still empty in his car (a sign of his irresponsibility that
was shown in the beginning of the movie) however she doesnÕt say anything and
even bites her tongue when about to give him directions (a way she used to
assert herself). In the end she
decides that she wants to save the relationship by accepting him for who he is
changing the person she has become.
ÒAnd they lived mostly happily ever after.Ó
During the first few
scenes it is obvious that the relationship between Ben and Katie became focused
around the children. Several clips
showed them running around the house, chasing after the children and not
talking to each other. Their
relationship was pushed down in the importance hierarchy and instead of
Òhusband and wife,Ó they became Òmom and dad.Ó ÒSometimes I donÕt know what we are to each other but
Josh and ErinÕs parentsÓ- Katie. In
order to ascend into the Unity model of marriage the husband and wife
relationship must be the most important and most intimate relationship.
Making it Look Normal for a Man to Exploit Women (AUV #19)
While
Ben is having lunch with his male friends, one of the guys begins talking about
having online sex with another woman while his wife is sleeping upstairs. He talks about this excitedly and sees
nothing wrong with doing it. He
comes to the conclusion that he is not cheating because there is no physical
contact except for the physical contact he has with himself. This promotes the idea of dominance
within the movie and within Ben and KatieÕs relationship because of the effect
his friendÕs views have on BenÕs dominant outlook on their relationship. Although there is no physical contact
between the two individuals, the husband is still withholding a part of himself
from his wife and destroying any affective bond they may have had by sharing an
intimate part of himself with another woman. By having another one of the male friends agree with this
husband, the movie is condoning this type of behavior.
Sex, Sex, Sex and Blackmail
The
scenes in the restaurants with both Ben and Katie having lunch with their same
sex friends do a great job of correlating the lack of sex in the relationship
with the poor state of their marriage.
As the men talk about sex within their relationships the scenes jump
back to the beginning of Katie and BenÕs relationship. In these scenes they are either very
flirtatious and happy or engaged in physically intimate acts. However when the women are talking
about sex in their relationships the scenes depict encounters from later in
their marriage when they are fighting about his irresponsibility or her need to
be in control and arguing about BenÕs being in an intimate relationship with
another woman. If physical
intimacy is engaged in any one of ÒKatieÕsÓ scenes, it is disrupted by her
focusing on something that needs to be done with the children or around the
house and then leads into an argument.
The movie attempts to show that their fighting increased and their
marriage worsened when their sex life decreased. It is promoting the idea of sexual blackmail through these
scenes by putting across that if Katie doesnÕt want to have sex then they will
fight and the marriage will eventually fall apart or Ben will leave her for
another woman. BenÕs explanation
for talking about the intimate details of their marriage to this other woman
was that he just needed someone to talk to. This is an attempt at justifying his actions by putting the
blame on Katie. Because Katie did
not feel comfortable having sex with Ben due to the pent up resentment from
past arguments and his actions, she led him to turn to another woman for
comfort. This is also an example
of Adultery for various reasons (AUV #4). Although he
is not physical with this woman it is adulterous to the relationship that he
has with Katie which should be his focus and where Katie should be the person
he turns to not someone else.
Making it
look normal for a man to abuse women (AUV #20)
Ben put a lot of emphasis on spontaneity and
saying that he wished Katie was the fun girl that he used to know. By doing this he degraded her morale
and made her feel unworthy. ÒYouÕre
so critical.Ó ÒYou never do anything fun anymore.Ó ÒYou turned into your
goddamn mother.Ó ÒYou hold on to everything.Ó This shows dominance within their
relationship because Ben is exerting his control by abusing Katie mentally and
emotionally and is exercising his independence through their arguments. They argue because Ben does not want to
let Katie be assertive and express herself. He does not listen or do the things that she asks because
they are only conjoined in the sensorimotor stage and Ben is unwilling to
conjoin with Katie past that stage to understand that to do what she is
suggesting will be better for him in the long run. What is amazing in the film is that although Ben is verbally
abusive and outright hurtful to Katie, the filmmakers still manage to make the
audience see it as KatieÕs fault.
That she is the one destroying the marriage with her ÒnaggingÓ and
unwillingness to let go and have fun.
What they never touch on is the fact that she is almost incapable of
being carefree because of BenÕs treatment of her and that she has to be the
sole caretaker of the house and the children because he is not willing to carry
the responsibility equally. In
this way they make it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks
that women should accept and honor (AUV #21).
Maintaining Independence
Throughout the entire
film Ben is maintaining his independence and avoiding conjoining affectively,
and sometimes even cognitively, with Katie. He does not listen when they argue and he is only throwing
out insults at her to fight her struggle for power in the relationship. She is trying to move them into the
next stage of the relationship, the Equity model, but he is resistant because
he doesnÕt want to relinquish any of his independence and therefore they are
constantly at odds. She is tired
of having to be submissive to him and she is trying to assert herself and he
will not allow it. He senses her
trying to gain some power and he knows that if he hurts her feelings through
insulting her that she will walk away and will stop for the time being.
Promoting the
idea that one should not try to change oneÕs partner but should accept them
with their faults, etc. (AUV #14)
ÒYou
are at 80 what you are at 8, people donÕt change!Ó- Rachel. Throughout the entire movie the
negative aspects of both Ben and Katie were brought to the forefront through
their arguing and talking with friends.
Katie brought up the fact that her favorite book was Harold and the
Purple Crayon,
in which Harold drew the world as he wanted to see it. She compared Ben to Harold and said
that his outlook on life and his carefree nature was one of the reasons she
married him. However as the
relationship progressed she realized that those qualities were what eventually
drew them apart and caused her to be Òthe designated driver of the
relationship.Ó At the end of the movie she notices
that he has not changed (or at least even changed the wiper fluid) and yet she
still decides against the divorce.
She decides to accept him with all his faults and allow him to continue
to hold on to his independence and power in the relationship.
It
is obvious throughout the entire film that Ben and Katie are stuck in the
Dominance model of marriage. They
are only conjoined at the first level, which is solely external and
sensorimotor, and this can be seen in one way through their fighting. In the beginning of their relationship
they would argue with each other and then they would make up (ÒThe best part
of a fight is playing Ôhide the salamiÕ afterwardsÓ-BenÕs mother). They would openly express their anger
and resentment towards each other and the Òcognitive disrespect and affective
dislike recede again into the underlying invisible state, lurking there until
the next fight at which time the abuse and disrespect come out againÓ (James, www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonjpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Introduction). Ben complaining about Katie to his
friends and the need Katie has to bond with her girlfriends over her distress
can also illustrate the level of their relationship. Ben does not show respect for Katie and in the end has still
held on to his independence by not having to change. His power in the
relationship forces her back into submission and this enables him to keep Katie
in a marriage where they live Òmostly happily ever after.Ó
Section D
I
have enjoyed watching The Story of Us several times over the past few years before
having to analyze it in regards to the Unity Model of Marriage. Before examining the movie more closely
and being able to discover the underlying problems within Ben and KatieÕs
marriage I always felt that the way the movie ended was how it should have
ended. I found myself holding
Katie to blame for the problems in their relationship and agreeing with Ben and
his frustration. I couldnÕt
understand why she wouldnÕt just let go of her inhibitions and enjoy life and
her marriage a little more. I felt
for her and her distress over BenÕs irresponsibility, but I had the idea that
love meant accepting the other person for who they are, the good and the bad,
and moving on together from there.
After
delving deeper into what the film was actually depicting, I started to get
frustrated with the characters and their never-ending struggle with each
other. I also kept getting angry
at the advice that they were getting from friends, family members, and
counselors on how to repair their marriage. One counselor said that sex was the key to the relationship
and one of BenÕs friends suggested lowering his standards for the marriage
because happiness is just an illusion.
Not once did anyone suggest that maybe the problem wasnÕt Katie but that
it was Ben. The movie did an
excellent job focusing the root of their problems around Katie and using other
factors to justify BenÕs behavior towards her and their relationship. I was really surprised to be able to
find so many Anti-Unity Values throughout the film. When I first began thinking about relevant interactions
contrary to developing into the Unity marriage I could only come up with a
couple of AUVs. However as I began
to write about my findings, more and more AUVs stood out from the movie. I couldnÕt believe how many were hidden
behind common media portrayals of gender interactions.
Due
to the fact that I had seen the movie a few times before and that I knew it was
an excellent film to examine different aspects of a relationship, I thought it
would be interesting to have my boyfriend watch it with me. He didnÕt know that I was observing his
reactions to certain parts of the movie or the opinions I held towards Ben and
KatieÕs marriage so I was able to make sure that he was answering my questions
truthfully and without bias.
ÒWhat did
you think about their relationship?Ó
ÒI
thought they were both being stubborn.Ó
ÒWho was
more at fault?Ó
ÒMore
her than him. She held on to a lot
of stuff [their problems] and didnÕt try to move on from it.Ó
ÒDid he
[Ben] do anything wrong?Ó
ÒYeah,
he didnÕt really completely listen to her when they would talk.Ó
ÒWhat do
you think about the end, how he didnÕt have to change but she did.Ó
ÒHe
did change or at least he made an effort to change because he bought a watch
[BenÕs effort to show responsibility].
But he didnÕt change as much as she said she was going to change
herself.Ó
ÒAnd is
that right?Ó
ÒNo.
ÒThey tried
to make sex the most important aspect of the marriage, do you think that it
should have been portrayed that way?Ó
ÒNo. Communication should have been the most
important part of their relationship.Ó
ÒWhat do
you think about them living Ômostly happily ever after?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know. ItÕs better than they
were before. I mean, everybody
fights. YouÕre not going to be
happy all the time.Ó
Fortunately
for our relationship, he tries to help me keep us happy all of the time. However, in regards to the movie, I
found that my boyfriendÕs views on the mediaÕs portrayal of most gender
interactions were common amongst my girl friends as well. I explained to them the gist of the
storyline and tried my best to illustrate Ben and KatieÕs arguments and the
reasons behind them. They too felt
that Katie should have stopped ÒnaggingÓ Ben about everything and try to move
past the grudges she held against him.
They felt that Katie was trying to find something wrong in order to
start an argument with him. ÒMaybe
she just needs the drama.Ó I then attempted to explain to both my
boyfriend and my friends what the Unity Model of Marriage was all about and
what AUVs are. I explained how
different scenes throughout the movie showcased certain AUVs and I asked their
opinion on the mediaÕs portrayal of gender interactions knowing that it
promoted these AUVs.
ÒWell,
if the media promotes those things in marriage its probably because society
promotes it in real life.Ó-
female friend
ÒI
agree that most of those things [AUVs] would hurt a marriage, but the way they
were in the movie [gender interactions] is how people act normally. It makes me
mad to think that the media might be making things worse for us [women] by
encouraging them but most people donÕt know any better.Ó Ð female friend
ÒIf
its something thatÕs making the marriage worse and the media is saying that
itÕs good, then thatÕs wrong. But
how many guys do you know will actually let their girlfriend or wife be right
all the time?Ó Ð boyfriend
D.4)
Interpretation in regards to the Unity Model
Their
reactions illustrate how society and the media have shaped our outlook on
marriage and gender relationships in general. As women we are raised with the expectation that we will be
mistreated and that we will have to bite our tongue instead of asserting
ourselves in order to keep the peace in the relationship. The media promotes this through popular
T.V. shows and movies all the time, however because we have grown up with this
mind-set, we donÕt notice the negative influence it has on our
relationships.
D.3)
Consequences on TodayÕs Couples
a. Wives lowering their expectations in the
relationship
With
the media portrayal of a marriage working against a coupleÕs attempt to reach
the Unity model of marriage, women are going to grow up and enter their
relationships with lower standards for what they deserve. They wonÕt speak their minds as often
because they know, through the media showing how men complain about women, that
it makes their husbands angry. Men
will be able to freely exert their dominance and control over their wives.
b. Increases likelihood of abuse in the
relationship
In
The Story of Us, Ben
openly verbally and mentally abused Katie. He said hurtful things to her and the movie made it seem
that he was justified in doing so because she pushed him to do it. With movies promoting this type of
behavior through justification, it tells men that it is okay to respond and
react during an argument in this way and it is telling women that they
shouldnÕt speak out and lead their husbands or boyfriends to get that angry or
they will hurt your feelings on purpose.
c. Increase of cheating in the relationship
The
Story of Us also
justified BenÕs intimacy with another woman by making sure that it was not
physical intimacy and by putting Katie at fault for driving him to turn to
another woman for support. This is
commonly portrayed in many popular shows and movies in which the man or woman
is unhappy in their current relationship and will turn to another person
(physically or emotionally) for comfort.
By making it seem okay and warranted to do so, the media is promoting
breaking the intimate bonds of marriage and opening the doors for the use of
sexual blackmail.
a.
Earlier
age for sexual activity
Sex has been at the forefront of media
portrayals for more than a decade.
One of the things that young women and adolescents want to do is grow up
as fast as possible. By showing
that sex is one of the most important features of a relationship they are going
to think that they should have sex in order for their relationships to be real
and that they have to have sex in order to keep their boyfriends. Kids in todayÕs world are aging faster
because they are performing rites of passage much sooner than the generations
before them.
b.
Lack
of Assertiveness
Assertion by females is not promoted in the
media for marriages and intimate relationships. The media encourages assertive females in the workplace and
other areas of society however once you cross the threshold of your home you
must become or return to being the soft and submissive wife. Girls see this and begin to think that
they shouldnÕt assert themselves within their relationships because it will
lead to arguments and will make their husbands unhappy.
Section E
The
media does not only work its influence through television and movies but also,
and sometimes more effectively, through music. With the wide use of ipods and the increased availability of
downloadable songs and videos, the media is able to reach the minds of all
ages, 24 hours a day.
The
lyrics of todayÕs popular songs range from murderous to seductive with most
artists trying to sound meaningful but usually saying nothing at all. I have chosen to examine the lyrics of
two artists, Mos Def and Common, each of whom I highly respect and have the
ability to speak multitudes within a few lines. However for the purpose of discovering AUVs as they are
portrayed through their lyrics, I have chosen songs that bring to light the way
society sees the role of women.
ÒYo,
in she came with the same type game the type of girl givin out the fake cell
phone and name/Big fame, she like cats with big thangs jewel chip, money clip,
phone flip, the six range/I seen on the ave/ spotted her more than once/Ass so
fat that you could see it from the front...Ó
You can instantly tell
how women are being portrayed in this song just by reading the title, ÒMs. Fat
Booty.Ó In the first few lines of
his rap he makes reference to the girlÕs preference for men with a lot of money
and who like to show it off, thereby making her look good. In this way he is promoting the idea
that women are generally frivolous as a part of their nature (AUV #18). She likes men that have the
ability to wine and dine her and that is the only thing that interests
her. Towards the end of these few
first lines he also makes reference to her behind, pointing out that that was
one of the first things that made him notice her, thereby making her seem like
a sexual object and not an individual.
This does not promote the Unity model because it is degrading for the
main focus of a woman to be her physical attributes and promotes the idea that
sex is most important. It also
makes it seem normal for a man to exploit women (AUV #19) in this way.
ÒShe
spot me like paparazzi/Shot me a glance in that catwoman stance with the fat
booty pants Hot damn!/What your name love, where you came from?/Neck and wrist
laced up very little makeup/The slims at the Reebok gym tone your frame up/Is
sugar and spice the only thing that you made of?....IÕm tight polite but now
IÕm looking at her skeptically/Cause baby girl got all the right weaponry/Designer
fabric, shoes, and accessories/Chinky eyes, sweet voice is f****ing on me
mentally....She touched my eyelids, the room fell silent/She walked away smilin
singing Gregory Isaacs like Ôif I donÕt, if I donÕt, if I donÕt/Showing me that
tan line and her tatoo plating SadeÕs ÔSweetest Taboo/Burnin candles all my
other plans got cancelled/Man I smashed it like an Idaho potato/She call me at
my J.O., Ôcome nowÕ I canÕt say no....I need more than to knock it down IÕm
really tryin to lock it down/Midnight we hook up and go at it/Burn is over, let
her know, sweetheart I got to have it/She tellin me commitment is something she
canÕt manage/Wake up the next morning, and she gone like it was magic...Sharice
at the kitty club with some banging ass Asian playing lay it down and lick me
up.Ó
The rest of the lyrics continue to make
reference to her sexually and how she entices him with her sexual and feminine
wiles. The song makes it seem that
he became enraptured with her solely because of these superficial and physical
reasons. In the last line of the
song the girl has left him because she cannot handle a committed
relationship. He is unable to get
a hold of her but finds out that she was spotted at a strip club with someone
else. It does not say whether the
other person is male or female, however the option is left open and it still promotes
promiscuity and bi-sexuality (AUV #5). By
having her in the position of not wanting to commit to the relationship and him
left behind, it is attempting to justify his earlier behavior. It is okay that he only saw her
sexually because, in the end, all she was, was promiscuous and therefore the
only way she should be represented is sexually.
E.2)
ÒFaithfulÓ- Common, Be
ÒI was rollin around, in my mind it occurred/What if God was a her?/Would I treat her the same?/Would I still be runnin game on her?/In what type of ways would I want her?/Would I want her for mind or for her heavenly body?/CouldnÕt be out gettin bogus with someone so godly/If I was with her would I be wantin my ex/The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex/WouldnÕt be ashamed to give her part of my check/Wearin her cross, I mean the heart on my neck...CouldnÕt be jealous because other brothers worship her/Walk this earth for her, glory, IÕm grateful/To be in her presence I try to stay faithful...Ó
The beginning of this
song portrays women in total contrast to the way they were portrayed in ÒMs.
Fat Booty.Ó Common poses the
question that if God were a woman would she still be mistreated by himself and
others like him. By doing so he
brings to light the fact that woman in todayÕs society and media are
disrespected and not treated the way that God expected them to be treated.
ÒHe worked with her, she was his ladyÕs best friend/Even if they donÕt try some ladies test men/And this was a test that was bigger than him/Some believe its the nature that is given to men/He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home/One reason or another couldnÕt find peace at home/She asked,ÕWhy do men always have to stray?Õ/ ÔI used to take em out to eat but they wasnÕt really eatinÕ/Mighta got a little head but I wasnÕt really cheatinÕ/Its hard when your lady donÕt believe what you say/And what you did in the past you gotta live with today/She asked if they could spend the night together/He thought, and said,ÕIÕm trying to get my life togetherÕ/Went home to his lady, these were his confessions/ÕBaby you a blessin and my best friend.Ó
Common explains a
scenario between a man and his wifeÕs best friend. He is unhappy at home and is given the opportunity to have
sex with this woman. Common also
talks about how some think it is menÕs nature to cheat on their significant
others and look elsewhere for satisfaction. This is an attempt to justify the behavior of these men retaining
their independence from their wives.
Showing that a man unhappy at home even though he has everything he
could ever want waiting for him there and that him getting Òa little head
but...Ó
he ÒwasnÕt really cheatin,ÕÓ promotes the dominance model of marriage. The husband has cheated on his wife,
however because he is regretting it in the end it makes everything okay.
Many
of the effects that the lyrics of todayÕs songs will have on the youth are
similar to those that are due to movies.
The media is able to affect the minds of individuals through many
means. Therefore the biased view
held by society and the media will transcend across these areas of influence
and will have the same effect on people whether they are singing along to the
radio or enjoying their favorite movie.
a. Superficial
means = beauty
Through the Anti-Unity Values portrayed through
the media, adolescent and young women grow up with the assumption that beauty
is only external. They attain this
view by observing the types of women men find attractive and call
beautiful. The lyrics of ÒMs. Fat
BootyÓ promote the idea that a toned frame, designer clothes and shoes will
make them beautiful in the eyes of men and society. Very rarely does the media, in movies or music, portray the
true beauty of a woman through her character and goodness.
b. Sex.
Sex is also used as a
means to communicate attractiveness and relationship status and stability by
the media. In ÒMs. Fat Booty,Ó the
girlÕs sexual appeal and sexual abilities attracted the man to her and kept him
there. The lyrics proposed the
idea that he was unable to Òkeep his coolÓ because she was so sexy and the song
drew most of its reference from the coupleÕs sexual relationship. In ÒFaithful,Ó sex is what attracted
the man to the other woman. He is
unhappy at home and cheated on his wife because of this. Young women are going to interpret this
as saying that they will have to keep their men happy sexually so that they do
not cheat on them. They are going
to feel that their worth is determined by their sexual relationship.
I
discussed the anti-unity values I found in the two songs I examined with my
friends and my boyfriend and they all had never really thought that deeply
about the lyrics.
ÒI
know that a lot of songs nowadays degrade women but I just figured that it was
specific to certain genres. You
know, like, gangster rap or whatever.
These songs arenÕt like those songs so IÕm surprised that those things
[AUVs] are in there.Ó- female friend
ÒPeople
sing along to songs and know that the things being said arenÕt always
right. But we just think that
everyone should know better than to act like that so we ignore it. I guess people should think more about
how it affects the youth.Ó Ð boyfriend
The unfortunate thing about the effects the
media has on women growing up in todayÕs society is that it begins and
stimulates a negative cycle. Girls
arenÕt the only ones affected by the movies and lyrics, boys are too. When AUVs are prevalent and male
dominance is positively portrayed, boys and young men have a skewed perspective
on how women and their significant others should be treated. This makes the Dominance model of the
relationship a norm and thereby reinforces the mediaÕs illustrations of gender
interactions in relationships.
People think that everyone should know better than to really listen and
follow through with what is being said in todayÕs song, but what they donÕt
realize is that with such a negative cycle being generated, one day there wonÕt
be anyone to tell people what better is.
Section F
The
technological advances over the past few years have made the internet
accessible to people everywhere; whether in the car, at home, at school, or on
the bus. There are websites for
information on almost anything you can imagine (and some things you wish you
couldnÕt) and people are able to get help and communicate with each other
globally. Message boards are one
way for people to pose questions and get advice or support from anyone willing
to answer. Marriage and
relationships are an extremely popular topic and many women openly let out
their frustrations and worries on these message boards.
F.1)
ÒivillageÓ message boards
The
link for this message board can be found at www.messageboards.ivillage.com
I
focused my search under the ÒHappily MarriedÓ category to assess what was
considered happily married and what types of problems these wives had, if any,
and what advice they had to give to the unhappy.
One of the first questions posed was entitled,
ÒIÕm selfish, how to change?Ó The
woman writing explained that she was unhappy with the status of her marriage
because of the lack of affection.
Her husband used to be very loving and openly affectionate while they
were dating and in the beginning of the marriage, however over time that
changed and she missed his intimate attentions.
One
responder wrote:
ÒIf
youÕre missing the good morning kiss and hug why donÕt you make another time
for it...Life can always get hectic, if you miss out on the grocery shopping
during the week you just do it on the weekend right? Think of it like
that. Missing a morning hug isnÕt
going to doom your marriage, expecting DH [Dear Husband] to rearrange his
schedule constantly to fit your wants may though.Ó
The
advice this person is giving this woman is telling her to lower her
standards. It is supporting the
Dominance model of marriage for the relationship because it is being suggested
that the wife ignore her wants and her needs and allow her husband to use his
affections to control her. The person
goes on to write:
Ò...it
may well just be that you need to consciously tell yourself to be more giving,
more patient, and more flexible.
Just remember it takes time to find that balance. I find with DH that the more
accommodating I am the more he is and the more stubborn I am the more he is. Perhaps if you make an effort to be more
flexible for you DH he in turn will naturally try to make up for this in his
own way.Ó
I was so surprised to
read this advice being given. At
no time was the wifeÕs needs ever addressed and it was like they shouldnÕt even
exist. She is being told to change
her desires and become submissive and passive. It is as if her husband went online and wrote the response
to her question because it is solely supporting his role in the
relationship. The wife is tired of
having her needs ignored is striving to move her relationship out of the
Dominance model by looking for a cognitive or even affective conjoining with
her husband. Instead, someone she
considers to be her peer is ultimately telling her that she does not deserve
that or should not expect it.
Another
message posted was entitled, ÒFalling off his pedestal,Ó and in it a wife
described that she was disappointed in her husband because he is proving
himself to be untrustworthy and is therefore falling off the pedestal she had
originally put him on. She found
her husband looking at pornography on the computer that his friend had sent him
via e-mail. She in turn asked him
to delete all the pictures he had ever gotten from his friend and to ask his
friend not to send him anymore.
She felt betrayed and hurt by what he did.
One
reader wrote:
ÒWhat
evidence do you have that he was untrustworthy? Just because he was looking at
raunchy pictures? That in and of itself isnÕt indicative of being
untrustworthy...When you two talked today...you chose to pick a fight. ItÕs not a secret that we disappoint
our s.o.Õs [significant others] and they us, but the adult forgives because
they know no one is perfect. The
childish one turns things into a blame game and finding fault and being right.Ó
This writer is comparing the wife to a
child because she was angry that her husband was looking at pornography. In accordance with the Unity Model of
Marriage, pornography destroys the intimate bonds of marriage and no couple can
progress to the Unity model unless they are completely bonded in the threefold
self. The reader is expecting the
wife to forgive her husband for his actions and sweep the issue under the
rug. However this will only lead
to further disintegration of the marriage because the hurt and anger will stay
there until their next argument causes it to resurface.
Another
reader writes:
ÒYou
assumed that because he was Ôyour husbandÕ he shared your standards, values,
priorities, goals, principles, and beliefs...and he obviously doesnÕt. People do what they do because they
want to do it. Their values,
principles, and standards justify and entitle them to their actions...heÕs had
to do a lot of things behind your back...in order to have a normal, social,
fulfilling life WITHOUT pursuing other women...HeÕs disappointed in you being
so immature and shallow...but heÕs more disappointed that he doesnÕt have a
partner in life- he has a raving lunatic that he has to call a Ôwife.Õ And youÕve realized that nothing you do
or no matter what restriction or limitation you put out there...you canÕt
control him-and because youÕre so lacking in self worth-you believe if you
canÕt control him-you canÕt trust him.Ó
Ouch. A number of things are being represented in this response
that are against progressing to the Unity model of marriage. This writer is promoting the idea
that one should not try to change oneÕs partner but should accept them with
their faults, etc. (AUV#14). She is scolding the wife for assuming
that she and her husband were on the same page morally and emotionally. The wife thought that she and her
husband were at least conjoined cognitively and she was disappointed to learn
that they werenÕt even close to that level. She has a right to be disappointed and hurt by this
discovery. The writer is also
promoting the Dominance model by attempting to justify the husbandÕs actions
because of his wifeÕs insecurities.
Because she is insecure and emotionally unstable he is unhappy in his
marriage and therefore found solace in pornography. Instead of the wife being blamed, the husband needs to be
focused on because what he is doing is what is causing the insecurities in his
wife, not the other way around.
The writer, through the verbal abuse to the wife, is promoting the
Dominance model. The wife was
looking for support and instead found what she is also getting at home,
abuse. This will cause her to
lower her self-esteem even further and will allow her husband to do as he
pleases. Further support for the
Dominance model is seen through the writerÕs promotion of sexual
blackmail. This individual is
suggesting that the husband has hidden more from his wife than she is aware of. He must be doing more behind the wifeÕs
back because that is the only way he has been able to have a normal, productive
life while dealing with his wifeÕs insecurities. The husbandÕs actions and behaviors are being justified yet
again.
I
was very disappointed to find such prevalent support for male dominance within
marriages. It was not clear or
proven that the responders were women, however the names of the responders were
socially accepted female names.
ItÕs sad that, if they are female, wives seeking support and
understanding cannot even find it from their own gender.
Section G
With
the success of self-help moguls such as Tim Robbins and popular T.V. help
sources like Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth, our society has developed a do-it-yourself
mentality when it comes to self and relationship improvement. At www.Amazon.com,
anyone can search for books and other resources to ÒcureÓ their marriage
problems and solve their relationship woes.
G.1)
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and
After) You Marry, by Leslie Parrott, Les Parrott III
This
particular book takes the Equity view of the Unity Model of Marriage. It encourages honesty, understanding,
and respect from both parties of the relationship and does not discriminate
between one partner giving more than the other. However it still leaves room for the husband to maintain his
independence because it reinforces that men and women are different and have
different needs and communication styles.
This leaves the door open for men to fall back one this behavior
justification and use it to avoid from conjoining cognitively and affectively
with his wife. The book does leave
opportunity for the couple to ascend into the Unity model because it emphasizes
the importance of having a spiritual relationship with each other and with
God. Thus making it possible for
them to conjoin in the affective self.
G.2)
Boundaries in Marriage, by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend
This
book is most certainly an advocate for an Equity relationship.
It holds to
the view that each individual should maintain predetermined boundaries within
their relationship.
ÒWhen
boundaries are not established at the beginning of the marriage, or when they
breakdown, marriages breakdown as well.
Or such marriages donÕt grow past the initial attraction and transform
into real intimacy. They never
reach the true ÒknowingÓ of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love
and to grow as individuals and as a couple- the long-term fulfillment that was
GodÕs design.Ó
A boundary is defined as
a property line and it therefore denotes the beginning and the end of
something. In a sense it is the
ownership of oneÕs feeling, attitudes, and behaviors. It can all get a bit complicated, but the main point here is
that a marriage cannot become a Unity marriage if there are any boundaries
between the partners. A Unity
marriage is only possible with the complete conjoining on all levels of the
threefold self and this does not permit Òproperty lines.Ó
G.3)
Covenant Marriage: Building Communication & Intimacy, by Gary D. Chapman
This
particular book was the closest one I could find that promoted the Unity model
of the Unity Model of Marriage. It
states that,
Ò...the
marriage relationship is seen as the most intimate of all relationships. It supercedes with an individualÕs
relationship with parents, for in marriage the Scriptures teach that we are to
leave our parents. The marriage
relationship is more abiding that the parent-child relationship because
eventually the children will leave.Ó
This goes hand in hand
with the ideals of the Unity Model of Marriage. The marriage relationship should be the most intimate with
the deepest bonds. It also goes on
to say that,
ÒSo
intimate is the marriage relationship that the two are declared to become Ôone
fleshÕ...The idea of Biblical oneness involves not only sex but also
intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and social oneness.Ó
This also depicts the
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective conjoinings of partners across the three
dimensions of the Unity marriage model.
This book is a strong support for the Unity model of marriage and also
had the most positive ratings for success according to readersÕ responses.
Section H
In
examining the Unity Model of Marriage and analyzing different ways Anti Unity
Values are portrayed by society and the media, I have learned to better
discriminate the ÒrightÓ way and the ÒwrongÓ way to interact and engage in an
intimate relationship. The Unity
Model of marriage is a totally different approach to the idea of marriage than
I am accustomed to. While there
are a number of things I agree with, there are some areas of the model that I
think some relationships today will have a hard time fulfilling. For example, getting the husband to
want to relinquish all of his independence and, in return, getting the wife to
let go of all of her hurts and insecurities from past relationships. In order to reach the Unity Model in
the Unity Model of marriage, the husband has to be willing to conjoin on all
levels of the threefold self.
However, what if the wife, although acting from her inner wisdom and
always focusing on her husband, has not moved on from a bad experience in her
past or is affected by uber-feminists or self-reliant social norms? WouldnÕt that hold the couple back as
well?
I
strongly agree with the premise behind the Unity Model of marriage and itÕs not
just because IÕm female. I believe
that women and men are put together differently cognitively and emotionally to
compliment each other, not oppose each other, which is what is normally seen in
todayÕs society. Through the Unity
Model I have learned to take a closer look at other peopleÕs intimate
relationships and even my own. I
find myself analyzing every interaction between my boyfriend and I and IÕve
gained a greater positive understanding of our relationship in being able to do
so. I have also attained a greater
appreciation for him because, through my research, I have discovered that IÕm
lucky and I havenÕt got it half as bad as I thought I did.
H.2) My
Advice to You
Keep an
Open Mind
The Unity Model is different from what we
are used to and thatÕs what makes it so special. If the way we were socialized to interact within our
relationships was working we wouldnÕt have been drawn to take this course
(aside from those credit requirements : )
). During the first few
classes I had a hard time grasping the basis for the Model (i.e. Swedenborg)
and I wasnÕt sure if I was going to see eye to eye with everything. But I gave it a chance and IÕm happy I
did. You may not agree with
everything, however I can guarantee youÕll find it interesting!
Carry a Pen
and Paper
In preparing to write your paper try to
always keep a pen and paper handy.
The guidelines for the report will be given to you however I found it
easier to write on the topic if I could relate it to examples from my own life
or the lives of my friends and relatives.
When I would see a couple interacting within what I perceived as a
Dominance Model I would write down what he or she was doing so that while I was
writing my paper I would have real-life examples to refer to.
Start
researching now
Actually writing the paper is the least
of your worries. The research
portion takes the longest and it is where you want to spend most of your
time. For example, in regards to
the message boards portion of the report I spent at least a total of one week
online with those women. I even
posed a few questions of my own to see how they would respond. It made the paper easier to write for me
because I was able to put myself in the position of a wife in a submissive
relationship and I was able to better differentiate good advice from bad
advice.
H.3)
Suggestions on Educating Future Students
The
Unity Model is an ingenious and refreshing way to approach the subject of
marriage and the problems many people face in their relationships today. I think that anything that will promote
the studentÕs ability to associate with the model will help to further the
understanding of the model as well.
I also think it would be interesting to have students examine and
analyze a marriage or relationship of friends or family members or maybe even
their own marriage or intimate relationship in regards to the Unity Model. I think that would increase their
awareness of anti unity values and also increase the studentsÕ understanding of
the topic.
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/buchner/buchner-home.htm
My Class Home
Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm