Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Lauren Buchner

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm

I am answering questions 4, 6,7,10 and 13

I. The Question that I am answering is Question #4:

(a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each Generation 20, 21, 22 and 23, as listed in the Reading section of the Lecture Notes at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students.

(b) Summarize each of the selected reports.  Be sure to put a link to the student’s report.

(c) Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what each student did and said- (i) their ideas, (ii) their method, (iii) their explanations

(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports.

(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

Generation 20:

a). Shortcake: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report3.htm

b). Summary

Shortcake evaluated her marriage relationship in regards to the Unity Model of Marriage through application of the threefold self and making observations within her present marriage. Shortcake had been married before and had opted for a divorce from her ex-husband to ensure the well-being of herself and her children. She observed both her and her current husband’s behaviors and interactions with each other and evaluated these observations according to the Unity Model of Marriage. Her observations were focused around different situations each day and analyzed on each level of the threefold self. At the end of her relationship analysis, she determined that she and her current husband were heading in the right direction towards the Unity stage in the Unity Model of Marriage. By doing this experiment she is better able to focus on the areas that need improvement within her relationship in order to reach an eternal marriage.

c). General Conclusion

(i) Ideas: I enjoyed Shortcake’s report because of the fact that she was able to evaluate her relationship and her ideas based on the Unity Model of Marriage. In analyzing her relationship she was better able to understand and apply the model and through her deepened understanding, she was able to express herself clearly and interestingly.

(ii) Method: Her method for her report was to apply the Unity Model to her current marriage. Through her method of observation and analysis, she was able to see the downfalls and successes within her marriage. This gives her an opportunity to work on these areas in the future and her examples furthered my own understanding of the threefold self.

(iii) Explanation: Shortcake explained the concepts of the threefold self very clearly in the introduction of her report. Her explanation made it easier to understand how she analyzed the behaviors between herself and her current husband. Shortcake reiterated the point that in order for a couple to achieve the Unity Model of Marriage, they must be conjoined in each level of the threefold self.

d). What was gained by doing this report:

Shortcake’s observations helped her to understand her relationship better and to see which areas she and her husband would have to work on to attain a Unity marriage. She also felt that her observations helped to strengthen the bond between her and her current husband.

e). How I was influenced

I was influenced by Shortcake’s report in that I have more examples to help my understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage and the threefold self. By analyzing her marriage it helped me to observe areas that need improvement in my own relationship.

Generation 21:

a). Shari Arakawa-Longboy: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/

b). Summary

In Shari’s second report she answers questions 2, 5, 6, 4, and 1. She presents her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage in her first section by examining Deborah Tannen’s, Laura Schlessinger’s, and Dr. Leon James’s views on gender relationships. She then goes on to her observations of six student reports from generation 20 and presents her views on how these reports influenced her take on the Unity Model of Marriage. Shari makes reference to the table from Dr. Jame’s lecture notes entitled Making Field Observations. She gives a brief explanation of the table and then goes on to analyze and interpret a story about a husband and a wife. She offers her own opinion on the couple’s relationship based on her own personal experiences and the media’s influence.

c). General Conclusion

(i) Ideas: Shari believes that a healthy marriage is based on all three views expressed by Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and Dr. Leon James. She agrees with certain aspects of the Unity Model of Marriage but does not think that the responsibility should be put solely upon the husband. She believes that the wife needs to be supportive and that the wife will have to make changes along with the husband.

(ii) Methods: She was very in-depth in explaining her opinions and the observations made by her peers. Her report was very organized and followed directions excellently. She was able to apply what she was examining to her own personal relationship and she found that that helped further her understanding.

(iii) Explanation: I enjoyed Shari’s report because she was very opinionated and did not hesitate to disagree on any aspects of what she was discussing. She gave very good explanations on the three different marriage views and simplified each of them so that anyone could understand them.

d). What was gained by doing this report:

Shari has gained a deeper understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage and intimate relationships in general. Even though she does not totally agree with the Unity Model, she was able to apply it’s concepts to her marriage and pinpoint the areas that both she and her husband need to work on.

e). How I was influenced:

Shari’s report influenced me in that I am able to see a different perspective on the Unity Model of Marriage. Shari does not believe that only the husband should have to change within the relationship. I agree with her, however, this opinion is still in concordance with the Unity Model of Marriage because it is in the wife’s nature to always be accommodating to her husband. It is because of this that the husband needs to be the focus of the change within the relationship because the wife will naturally strive for the Unity model. By Shari expressing her view on the Unity Model of Marriage it helped me to analyze the model myself and judge my own understanding of the basis of the model.

Generation 22:

a). Michelle Horst: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/409b-g22-report2.htm

b). Summary:

The purpose of Michelle’s report was to demonstrate her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriege. In doing so she answers questions regarding the concept of the Unity Model of Marriage. For example, she starts off her report with how individuals in an intimate gender relationship will disrespect each other during a disagreement or a fight. In her response to this type of scenario, she says that if individuals apply the concepts of the Unity Model of Marriage to their relationship they will not be put in this predicament with the inevitability of hurting one another. She states that an understanding of the threefold self and the three levels of the Unity Model will help any marriage and to prove her point she applied many of the concepts to her own relationship.

c). General Conclusion:

(i) Ideas: Michelle demonstrated a great understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage and used her own relationship to illustrate her views. She was very clear throughout her entire report and made sure the reader understood the threefold self and the Unity Model of Marriage.

(ii) Method: I enjoyed her mini-experiment and thought that her doing one on her own relationship was an excellent way to show how the Unity Model of Marriage can be utilized.

(iii) Explanation: Michelle’s explanation and application of the Unity Model of Marriage enabled a very clear understanding of what the model is and how it can help intimate gender relationships.

d). What was gained by doing this report:

Michelle was able to gain a deeper understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage by applying it to her own relationship. She was able to analyze her relationship in regards to the Unity Model and thereby assess which model she was in and which areas she needed to focus on within her relationship.

e). How I was influenced:

Michelle’s report showed me how I could analyze and experiment with my own relationship. I already do try to apply the concepts of the Unity Model to my relationship however she brought to light a different method of doing so.

Generation 23

a). Linda Takahashi: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/takahashi/Takahashi-409b-g23-report2.htm

b). Summary

Linda examines several areas of conflict within gender interactions based on the views of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Deborah Tannen, Dr. Leon James, and herself. She contrasts the viewpoints of each person in regards to interruption, dominance, outward appearances, and underlying discord. She then goes on to document her interviews with 20 women on whether they support the idea that men are resistant to intimacy. She ends by answering questions about sexual blackmail and awareness of feelings and with observations that she has made in the media.

c). General Conclusion

(i) Ideas: Linda expressed her views very clearly and she is a firm believer in the Unity Model of Marriage. She believes that a relationship will naturally move on towards the Unity model in the Unity Model of Marriage if the wife is able to affect the course of the relationship. She also believes that if love is the driving force within the relationship than harmony will prevail and conflict will be obsolete.

(ii) Method: Linda’s method for displaying her and the three other views discussed previously was very concise and easy to follow. She was able to summarize each view within a few informative sentences without it getting to be too confusing.

(iii) Explanation: Linda gave excellent explanations on every topic she was discussing and always made sure to tie in the threefold self and the Unity Model of Marriage. Her explanations made it easy to compare and contrast the different views on gender interactions.

d). What was gained by doing this report:

In doing this report, Linda began to question the things that she had accepted as being normal (for example sexual blackmail). She said that the Unity model forced her to question what she was worth and why she was accepting certain negative behaviors. She made positive changes within her life because of her reanalyzing her situation.

e). How I was Influenced:

Although Linda’s report was clear and explained the concepts clearly, I was not influenced much other than by gaining her viewpoint on the several different gender interaction topics.

The Question I am answering is Question #7

(a) Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.  It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple

(b) Use some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple.

(c) How do these data help you in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the unity model?

(d) How do you explain these observations—what do they show or why are things this way with that couple?

(e) Explain how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture and spirituality.

a). http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations

b). I will be using the following tables as a guideline to analyze my own relationship with my boyfriend.

This is Table 5

Areas of Observation for

Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity

Zones 1, 4, 7

1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote

a. Because we are usually hanging out at my house, I get control of the remote first. However a problem for us is that he will turn the T.V. on automatically instead of taking some time to talk to each other about our day.

2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch

a. It is normally a toss up between us depending on who knows what type of movie they want to watch. He will normally go along with what I choose. That is to say that he will never say he doesn’t want to watch what I want to, but he will fall asleep during the movie without any hesitation.

3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to

a. I do because I have a tendency to be a picky eater and he eats anything. Sometimes I wish he would tell me where he wants to go but he always leaves it up to me.

4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.

a. I am normally the one asking him to shave if we are going out to dinner or reminding him to cut his hair when it gets too long. He usually picks out his clothes to match what I am wearing. He always tells me that I look beautiful and because of this I try hard to always look nice for him. I recently lost some weight and he has been going to the gym with me to support me and to better himself as well.

5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others

a. He was brought up within a very local Hawaiian style family structure. He has a close relationship with everyone in his family and he is extremely respectful when it comes to my family. My mom is very conservative and he keeps in mind to not have to much physical contact with me when she is present. Unlike most guys our age, he is very loving with me in front of our friends and he does not hesitate to invite me to go everywhere with him.

6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self

a. Communication is a low area in our relationship only because he stops himself from expressing his anger and hurt and telling me what I have done that upsets him. He holds things in until he just explodes. Other than that, I can tell him anything and he always makes eye contact and responds to what I am saying. In return I try to show him the same respect. I believe we have the ability and the capacity to communicate openly with each other.

7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react

a. As our relationship has progressed, so has our level of physical intimacy. Because we have been together for a while now and have become each other’s best friend, the need for a certain level of intimacy isn’t a priority. Yet we always seek out each other’s hand while walking or in the car and there is no shortage of physical affection.

8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other

a. Our movements parallel each other’s. He knows when I need to grab something and if he is blocking me from doing so he will grab it for me without me having to ask for it. He is very respectful and it is his habit to open doors for me and others and always seems to have my comfort in mind (for example clearing a seat so I can sit down).

9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together

a. We often catch each other’s eye and smile at each other even if we are alone. We laugh a lot and share a lot of inside jokes so there is always a lot of smiling going on.

10. What are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting

a. We both prefer garlicky and spicy foods. Our tastes are very similar in regards to what we like and what we don’t like.

11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics

a. We will usually talk about one topic until the conversation naturally changes course. If one of us has something different to talk about and we know the other isn’t quite done on the previous topic, we’ll apologize and then revert back to the old topic.

12. Who is attentive to the other

a. In actuality I think that he is more attentive to me than the other way around. There are times when I am only thinking about what I need to get done for work, school, or hula and he always seems to be thinking about me. There have been times when he chooses to forget something he promised to do, but if he promises to do something directly for me (like the safety check for my car) he will get it done. But if he says he will do something for himself that I have ask him to do (like fill a prescription) he will most likely not do it until I go with him.

13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

a. This is more so actions he performs when he is angry. I am guilty of this at times, but I have a huge problem with letting something go unresolved. He likes to let things drop or forget about it.

14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things

a. I express my anger through words and I try to be mindful of his feelings although I might hurt him sometimes. He expresses himself physically however never towards me, meaning I have never felt threatened by him. He hits himself or walls sometimes during his anger, but that seems to only be when he has been drinking.

15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers

a. I write things done in a calendar but he always remembers dates relating to our relationship. I like flowers on special occasions but he does not get them for me even though I have asked for them. However, he does always get me a card and he always writes his own message in there.

16. etc.

Areas of Observation for

Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity

Zones 2, 5, 8

1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how

a. I think that I control him more than he controls me and I think he would probably agree with me.

2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)

a. He has slowly begun to shoulder some of the responsibilities. I recently got my own place and he began to inch his way into living her with me. However he can’t afford to help me money wise. He helps with the manual yard labor and in the kitchen, however I am the provider for our relationship until he can increase his pay at work.

3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when  trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)

a. Our personalities and beliefs have changed to accommodate one another over the course of our relationship.

4. What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g., dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them, etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)

a. We both acknowledge each other’s views on every topic. If we disagree on something we usually voice our reasons for our particular view and we almost always change the other person’s perspective on the issue.

5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem

a. We always argue about money and his needing to be more responsible in doing what needs to get done whether it be around the house or for himself. I sometimes feel like his mother in how many times I have to remind him to call his doctor or make reservations. Money is a big issue because I don’t want to support anyone else right now and I feel that we should be more equal in that area.

6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife

a. We agree totally in being together in the afterlife. We both had a strong upbringing with God and although I am Christian and he is Catholic we have a strong common faith base.

7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas

a. One thing I love about him is his ability to assess any situation and find something witty to say about it. It shows his intelligence in being able to have such a great sense of humor. I love to share with him what I learned in school and he always listens intently and remembers what I have told him.

8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)

a. When we first started dating he had a drinking problem and was getting himself into trouble with other drugs. He hid it from me until one day I found out he had been asked to resign from his job due to his absences and lack of motivation. After that I made it a point to prove to him that I can’t be fooled and I didn’t hesitate to confront him with evidence on why I thought he was hiding something from me. Since then he has respected me and we are able to talk about everything even if he thinks I will be upset.

9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husbands need their own hobbies" etc.

a. We both believe that we each need to have our own hobby or interest. When we first met we both danced hula together. He has since stopped to pursue martial arts but hula is still a release for me. We are both extremely supportive of each other. He has a very good background for being a great husband because he has seen his parents go through hard times and make it in the end. His dad cheated on his mom when he was younger and they separated because of it. He saw how much hurt it caused his mother and he also saw how much love his parents had for each other to get back together and have two more children after him and to strengthen their marriage. My parents have been together my entire life. We do not believe in any marriage myths.

10. etc.

Areas of Observation for

Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity

Zones 3, 6, 9

1. How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events, preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)

a. We are both very motivated to remember what each other likes and dislikes. I love salad and vegetables and when he cooks dinner he’ll always cook what he wants (like hamburger steak) and then he’ll make something else for me like fish and a salad or grilled vegetables. For our anniversary he took me to the same restaurant I took him to the year before and said that he never forgot that night and he wanted us to go there each year so that we would never forget how it all started. In return I try to surprise him with tickets to fights at the Blaisdell or make sure we can go to his friend’s house so he can play music and hang out with them instead of always doing what I want to do.

2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.

a. He already puts me and our relationship as a top priority. If anything I have to focus more on our relationship because I get too wrapped up in school and work.

3. How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling free to raise and  talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other, and so on)

4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not

a. He has told me that he has had a bad relationship in the past and he doesn’t want to lose a good thing. Therefore he will do anything to keep our relationship strong. I have had many bad relationships and I feel only safety, love, and security with him. We want to bring out the best feelings in each other.

5. How much do the partners abuse or hurt each other (e.g., retaliation, punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)

a. We never have the intention of doing anything to hurt each other. If it has happened it has only been done unintentionally and that particular way of hurting the other person was never repeated.

6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)

a. He is very passionate towards me and never hesitates to make me feel loved or wanted. I need to work on expressing myself as much as he does in regards to how we feel towards each other.

7. How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can (e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies, house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own  (e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping separately)

a. We seem to always make sure that any free time we have is spent with each other. When he is busy at work and I have time then I will enjoy my alone time at the mall or at the beach. But because we rarely have time with each other during the day we are rarely apart when we could be together instead.

8. How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?

a. I always plan romantic getaways for us to pretend like we are on vacation. Sometimes it just involves a picnic or a day on the North Shore where our phones don’t get any service. He always makes me feel like I’m the only one for him and I try to do the same for him.

9. etc.

c). These tables help in the assessment of the quality of my relationship with my boyfriend in regards to the nine zones of the Unity model because I am able to see what zone and what level we are functioning at within our relationship. By being able to do this, I can take an objective view on my relationship and see which areas need to be worked on and how we can achieve the next level in the Unity Model of Marriage.

d). After using these tables to evaluate my relationship, I came to the conclusion that I am at the Equity stage of the Unity Model. There are instances when we are conjoined affectively, however for us to be in the Unity model we need to be conjoined on all three levels simultaneously and constantly. We are definitely conjoined cognitively because we intellectually stimulate each other and are not afraid to communicate with each other. We revert back to the Dominance model when he expresses his anger physically because, even if he doesn’t mean to threaten me, it is an act of aggression and a subconscious way to try to exert his dominance over the situation and me.

e).

Dominance

Dominance plays a major role in relationships especially in the beginning of the relationship. Neither individual (especially the man) wants to submit themself to the other person and therefore each person is trying to maintain or exert their dominance. According to the Unity Model of Marriage, the main goal of the wife or girlfriend is to eventually reach the Unity model within their relationship. Therefore she is usually the first to submit to the man and focus her wants and needs around what he needs.

Equity

Equity is possible within a relationship when the man and woman are conjoined on a sensorimotor level and cognitively. The man takes the focus off of himself for a good majority of the time and tries to do more to help the wife and let go of his independence. Most successful relationships are at this Equity level.

Unity

Unity is the final goal in intimate gender relationships. It is a point when the couple is conjoined spiritually, mentally, and physically and neither one of the individuals has any guards or walls up. Once a couple has reached the Unity model of marriage they will be able to be together eternally in the afterlife.

Biology

Biologically, men and women are different. According to the teachings of Swedenborg and the Unity Model of Marriage, men are intelligence surrounded by external love and women are external love surrounded by intelligence. This means that women are naturally able to see what needs to be done within their relationship in order to achieve an eternal marriage.

Culture

Culture plays an important role in every relationship because it dictates the norms and beliefs within the society. Culture determines how children are raised and what roles each person plays within their relationship. In our culture, masculinity is rewarded and expected. This holds a couple back from achieving Unity because it supports the man to maintain his dominance within the relationship.

Spirituality

Spirituality is the basis of Swedenborg’s teachings and the Unity Model of Marriage. Without a common belief and faith system in the Lord, a couple will never be able to achieve an eternal marriage or to conjoin affectively.

The Question I am answering is Question #10

(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction  It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?

(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics:

(i) housework

(ii) jealousy, and

(iii) a third area of your own choosing.

(d) Discuss what these data show or prove.

a).

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY	7	8	9
EQUITY	4	5	6
DOMINANCE	1	2	3

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 rational sensorimotor acts	8 rational cognitive processes	9 rational affective states
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 sensuous sensorimotor acts	5 sensuous cognitive processes	6 sensuous affective states
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 corporeal sensorimotor acts	2 corporeal cognitive processes	3 corporeal affective states

This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their mental unity	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve mental closeness
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their performance or achievement	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES  involved with thoughts about evaluation (How am I doing? Is it the best ever? Is this fair?  Different? Etc.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from the partner
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES  involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive

b). Sexual Blackmail

Sexual Blackmail is a form of dominance and control that is readily found in the Dominance model of the Unity Model of Marriage and can also be seen within the Equity model. Sexual blackmail is most commonly performed by the husband in an attempt to control his wife and to get his needs and wants fulfilled. It is a way to make the wife feel worthless and helpless and it is a method that is supported and practiced by society and the media.

One example of sexual blackmail is when a husband makes his wife think or feel that she is not satisfying him and thereby leads her to an assumption that he will leave her or be unfaithful to her because of this. When put in this position the wife is forced to either submit to her husband’s needs or run the risk of infidelity within the relationship. More often than not, a wife will submit to her husband and allow herself to be dominated and controlled by her fear of losing him.

Sexual blackmail is a prominent tool used by the husband within the Dominance model but it can also be seen in the Equity model. The only difference here is that the husband is not constantly trying to dominate his wife. Within the Equity model, the husband is striving to meet his wife half-way on many issues. The husband and the wife are conjoined both on a sensorimotor level and on a cognitive level. Therefore he has his wife’s interests at heart. What keeps the couple from achieving an affective conjunction is the husband’s need to hold on to his affective independence and control over the relationship. When his dominance is threatened in an area that he is not quite ready to relinquish his control in is when the couple reverts back to the Dominance model and the husband may use sexual blackmail to regain his control over the situation.

When I first heard the term “sexual blackmail,” I had a basic idea of how husbands may use this to control and dominate their wives. However, I had no idea how common it was in even the most basic of situations or how much it was supported by the media and society. For example, my friend called me the other day, crying because she had just gotten into a fight with her boyfriend. They were supposed to have a romantic dinner at home and because of this, the boyfriend assumed that they would be ending the night with some physical intimacy. However, after dinner, she suggested that they watch some T.V. but go to sleep early because she had to get up early for work in the morning. He got very upset because of this and tried to convince her to “fool around a little bit” before they went to sleep. She didn’t want to and therefore he called his friends and told them that he needed to go out and party. She was crying because she knows the friends that he called go out with a lot of girls and her boyfriend had turned off his phone after he left the house. This is a form of sexual blackmail because if this situation is ever to happen again, she will more than likely submit to his wants and needs instead of her own in order to avoid this from happening again.

When I explained the concept of sexual blackmail to a few of my friends and my boyfriend, they totally agreed that it is used and prevalent in our media and society today. One of my friends made reference to a reality show called “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” In this show, there is one young, engaged couple that is completely stuck in the Dominance model of their relationship. He wants her to be a housewife and to act the part of a rich socialite however she wants to work and enjoy her life because she is only twenty-four. In one episode she lost a friendly bet with him and in return she had to dress in a French maid costume and clean the house. This aroused him even though she did not want to do it for him. This made her look and feel like a prostitute and it showed his domination over her.

My boyfriend agrees that there is use of sexual blackmail by many men, although he argues that most men wouldn’t categorize it as being that. When I explained it to my father he said that it all comes down to where the man is in regards to his maturity level. A husband that is still in the Dominance model and uses sexual blackmail or other means to control his wife has not matured to the point to where he can connect with the opposite sex on the next level

c).

(i) Housework

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS total pleasure in helping the wife with the housework	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES thinking about what needs to be done and how it can be done to help the wife	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES always trying to get the housework done and not depending at all on the wife
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS feeling pleasure from helping around the house	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES  thinking about ways to even out the chores among themselves	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly trying to equal out the work load
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   Demands that the partner have the house clean, meals prepared, and clothes washed	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES  involved with thoughts on how to control the partner to do what they want around the house	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly trying to control the partner into submitting to being the maid

ii) Jealousy

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS opposite sex interaction is not necessary because of the connection with partner	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES no room for jealousy because all thoughts are rearding the partner and their love for eachother	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES trying to maintain their conjugal love and connection
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS wife is able to have opposite sex aquaintances but they fight when she comes home	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES  thinking that she might be unfaithful and therefore maybe he should even the score	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES trying to make the partner jealous as well
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   Having control over the partner by not allowing opposite sex interaction	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES  involved with thoughts about how to control the partner through jealousy	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES controlling partner’s actions through jealousy and distrust

(iii) Sex

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS focus is on the wife’s sexual needs and desires	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES constantly thinking of how to please the partner because their pleasure is satisfaction in itself	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly striving to please the partner and knowing the partner’s sexual intimacies, there are no selfish pleasurable thoughts present
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS still expecting to have his pleasures met, but keeping in mid the wife’s pleasures	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES  thinks about ways he can fulfill the desires of his partner while also thinking if it will in turn please him	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES motivated to please partner sexually but not unless he is still getting his desires met
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   using sex as a means to control partner (sexual blackmail)	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES  thoughts on how to use sex to control the partner	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly striving to control the partner through his own sexual desires

d). These charts and data of the threefold self show the different stages of a couple’s relationship in regard to the three levels of the Unity Model of Marriage-Dominance, Equity, and Unity- and the threefold self. Couples can use these charts to asses their relationship and to compare their actions towards each other in order to see where they are in their journey towards Unity.

The Question I am Answering is Question #13

(a) Describe the Web presence of Schlessigner, Tannen, Coleman and Swedenborg.  What does one find when looking them up with google?

(b) What do people say about them?

(c) Do they seem to have influence?

(d) Are they popular?

(e) How do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?

(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react. 

a). Google

There seems to be a very high web presence for Dr. Schlessinger, Deborah Tannen, and Emmanuel Swedenborg. Deborah Tannen is reference in many magazines and websites because of her research in gender interactions. She is most prominently found in relationship help websites where her research is being used by couples trying to improve their communication and understand each other. A search on Dr. Laura pulled up many sites as well because of her radio show and all of her books. She was also referenced in marriage help websites. Swedenborg did not have as many sites dedicated to his teachings, however www.newchurch.org was very easy to find and they focused their entire website around his story and his teachings. Josh Coleman also did not pull up a large number of websites, however he was referenced in couple’s help sites.

b). What is being said about them?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger:

- www.stopdrlaura.com: “Schlessinger had repeatedly called gays and lesbians "biological errors" and deviant — (one of our favorite Dr. Laura quotes: "How many letters have I read on the air from gay men who acknowledge that a huge portion of the male homosexual populace is predatory on young boys?'') — and we were outraged that Paramount would give a national platform to someone intent on spreading that kind of intolerance against a class of Americans.”

- www.snopes.com: “Dr. Schlessinger has attracted both adherents and detractors during her years of public life. Through her radio show, she dispenses advice to callers, usually from a conservative point of view...She is blunt and forthright in her replies, viewing most situations as inherently black or white, right or wrong...Laura Schlessinger is neither a medical doctor nor accredited in a discipline one would traditionally look to for the generation of expertise in moral, societal, or spiritual matters (such as divinity, psychology, or sociology).”

Deborah Tannen:

- www.paulagordon.com : “Deborah Tannen is the socio-linguist who gave general audiences a sense of how people communicate (That's Not What I Meant) and how women and men do it differently (You Just Don't Understand). Now she's looking much deeper. As a linguist, Dr. Tannen uses language is the entry-point of her analysis of relationships, while acknowledging the intertwining roles of non-verbal communication, emotions and ideas.”

- www.alibris.com : “Tannen draws on her extensive and groundbreaking research to show that women and men live in different worlds, made of different words. Men use language to protect their independence and negotiate status, while women use language to seek confirmation and reinforce intimacy.”

Joshua Coleman:

- www.joshuacoleman.net :“Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships.”

- www.smartmarriages.com : “"Coleman  isn't afraid to tell the truth: not all marriages can be joyful at all times, but that isn't a cause for divorce, especially with children involved. Even if your marriage is never going to be the one you dreamed of, you can still live happily ever after. With practical advice and genuine empathy, Coleman encourages spouses to stick it out: their marriage may not change drastically for the better, he says-but then again, it just might."

Emmanuel Swedenborg:

- www.swedenborg.newearth.org : “A noted Swedish scientist, philosopher and theologian, best known for his later writings, in which he presents ideas both Christian and ecumenical, for a new spiritual era or "new church" to be known as the New Jerusalem.”

- www.kingsgarden.org :“His works are a completely unified system of thought, cohering not only internally but also agreeing both with Scripture and also with modern science.”

c). Influence

Each of the authors seem to have a great deal of influence on a number of people. They may not be popular in every area of the world but the fact that they all are referenced and show prominence through a web search engine demonstrates their influence.

d). Popularity

I would have to say that each of the authors are very popular. Dr. Laura seems to be the most unliked of the four, however due to this she is also the most popular. I think people listen to her show just to hear the things she has to say and to disagree with them. It amazes me that she is a household name even here in Hawaii. Most people opt to listen to music while they drive and therefore I doubt many people listen to her show on a daily basis. However a lot of people know who she is and that surprises me.

e). Discussion

My father is from the mainland and every summer we fly into San Fransisco and drive about eight hours north to visit my grandparents. During this drive my dad would sometimes tune into Dr. Laura’s radio show and we would listen to it until my mom got irritated or my dad had had enough. He says that he can she where she is coming from but that sometimes she is a little over the top with her comments.

My close friend is a communication major and she is almost religious in her support of Deborah Tannen’s work. She loves to analyze relationship communication according to Tannen’s explanations. She believes that Tannen has an objective view of communication and that she makes very valid points regarding communication between men and women.

I explained to my dad the teachings of Swedenborg and how it applies to the concepts of the Unity model of marriage. Like most people, he got caught up on the fact that Swedenborg’s teachings are based around his time spent in heaven. After getting over that hurdle in our conversation, my dad actually agrees with Swedenborg’s philosophies. Unfortunately, my parents have not yet achieved a Unity marriage from my point of view, however they have a common spiritual faith and basis and are heading in the right direction.

My Advice to Future Generations

Don’t be like me!

What I mean by this is don’t wait till the last minute to get started on what needs to be done. In my first report I gave the same advice of not procrastinating and I didn’t even practice what I preached for my second report. Read through the guidelines at the beginning of the semester or after the first report is done and try to at least research or write on one point a week. It will be so much easier that way.

Talk with your friends

The concepts you will be learning in this class are out of the ordinary and you are going to be forced to think about things differently in order to understand them. Talking to your friends will help you understand what the Unity Model is all about. Let’s say you leave class one day and you just cannot grasp the fact that someone was able to live in heaven and on earth at the same time and then write all his teachings for us to follow. So you call your friend and say, “You’ll never guess what we talked about in class today...” Granted your friend will think what you’re telling them is weird as well, but in talking about it you are explaining it and thereby gaining a little bit more understanding on the topic. You will be explaining what he wrote about and that will help in your understanding. You may never know how he did it, but at least you will understand what he found out.

Go to class a little bit early

“Why would I want to do that?” you must be thinking. Because I can guarantee you that the concepts and the readings that you don’t understand, your classmates don’t totally understand either. They are also probably having the same file uploading problems that you are too. Talking with them will not only give you some insight on the topics and help solve some problems, but it will also give you a common ground to make friends with your fellow psych majors.

Don’t be afraid to ask Dr. James

It is his model after all. On the first day of class I was a little apprehensive of this course and I wasn’t sure how Dr. James was going to be either. But he is very open to questions regarding any area of the course and he always replies to your emails.

The key to this class is following the instructions, time management, and asking questions. Don’t be afraid to get involved!

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm

My Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/Buchner/buchner-home.htm