Report 1

Monitoring Anti-Unity Values in the Media

By Carly Kanemaru

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report1.htm

Defining Anti-Unity Values

Anti-Unity Values are qualities, traits, actions, beliefs and attitudes that inevitably prevent a successful and happy relationship and marriage.  Although they are so common in everyday life, anti-unity values are not normal and typical ways of behaving in a relationship.  They prevent both spouses from uniting and bonding together by forcing each spouse to remain separated from each other or even pushing them apart.  These values are often overlooked but they are most often referred to as the typical reasons why couples begin to argue and find conflict with each other and dissatisfaction within their marriage.  To achieve the highest level of marital satisfaction, it is imperative that anti-unity values are not only recognized but addressed and changed in the relationship.  These values disguisingly promote negative feelings for both spouses and eventually trigger negative actions which both spouses may regret and will suffer from.  The damage done to the relationship will continue to occur should anti-unity values persistently exist in the relationship, even if it is only in one spouse. 

Some personality characteristics that I feel are associated as Anti-Unity Values are those of negative attributes.  I have created a list of them below with these AUV characteristics, dictionary definitions according to Webster dictionary, and an explanation on why I believe them to be detrimental to the relationship. 

Anti-Unity Value Personality Characteristics

1. Dishonest- Characterized by lack of truth, honesty and trustworthiness.  One of the most important things in a relationship is to have trust.  To be dishonest breaks the trust between spouses which is essential in order for spouses to unify with one another.  Dishonesty prevents both partners from coming together but rather pushes them apart in anger, disappointment and frustration.
2. Manipulative- To control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious for one's own advantage.  A marriage is successful with the main goal as to serve happiness and create happiness for the other whom you unconditionally love.  With this, both spouses will be taking care and understanding the other providing a feeling of dependency and emotional, mental and physical bond to each other.  Both will provide for the others needs and wants thus, ensuring the health and most importantly the happiness of the other.  Manipulative qualities goes completely against this by not only focusing on one’s own needs and desires but by using and abusing the other to get what one wants.  The manipulative character is not thinking of the other and thus not taking care of the other’s needs, wants and happiness.  Instead, the manipulative individual is only consumed within themselves which will doom the relationship and hurt the spouse.
3. Temperamental- Unpredictable in behavior or performance.  To create a Unity marriage, it is essential to understand your spouse completely.  To keep them happy and unconditionally love them you need to understand them.  Temperamental characters prevent this bond from occurring and thus prevent the unity marriage by preventing your spouse from understanding you and being able to predict you due to your erratic behavior and moods.  The stress placed upon the spouse to keep up and understand this type of characteristic is overwhelming and cruel.
4. Possessive- The desire to dominate.  Domination over a partner creates a negative environment which provokes negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.  Being overprotective and controlling prevents your spouse from being who they are and what they naturally do and instead are manipulated into doing or acting how the other demands them to in efforts to please the other.  Once again, possessive behavior starts with the intention and thought of one’s own wants and desires instead of focusing on the well-being and satisfaction of the one you love.
5. Jealous- Vigilant in guarding a possession.  The root for jealousy is insecurity and distrust.  Both trust and security within the relationship and within each other are undisputable necessities for the marital satisfaction.  To lack this causes jealousy which will in turn destroy the relationship and prevent both spouses from unifying with one another.
6. Critical- Given to making or expressing unfavorable judgments about things.   By judging and remaining unsupportive, one fills the spouse with pessimistic treatment and reference to.  This is the opposite of happiness which prevents the spouse from feeling good about themselves as well as about what they have to offer to the relationship and tests the competency of what they feel they can bring to the relationship with only negative feedback directed at them.
7. Abusive- Using harsh insulting language or physically injurious.  Abusive characters hurt their partners physically and mentally both directly and indirectly.  This is straight out BAD!!  Need I say more?!?!
8. Pretentious- Expressive of affected, unwarranted, or exaggerated importance, worth, or stature.  The core to being pretentious is the focus on one’s own self.  By doing this, the main goal of a successful relationship is set aside for personal gratification of one’s self.  This prevents the correct focus remaining on one’s spouse rather than one’s self.  By being pretentious, it is at the cost of your partner’s well-being and happiness.
9. Selfish- Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.  Obviously, by focusing only one’s self and tending to one’s own desires without the regard for others is at the expense of your spouse.  By focusing on only yourself, this prevents one from tending to the other and leaves one’s spouse unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and lacking the necessities of their own well-being which is dependent on you.

Examples of Anti-Unity Values (AUVs) -- Table 9

 This table is from: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209

Section 20

Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:

This is Table 9

1. Living together unmarried

2. Having children out of wedlock

3. Making each other jealous on purpose

4. Adultery for various reasons

5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12. Manipulating partner through deception

13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

The Understanding of AUVs by Generation 23

I’ve found one student named Woo, who’s understanding of the anti-unity values in the media was that “men and women are portrayed the same in the media.”  She believes that men are confused in what it is they want and thus display anti-unity values of trying to dominate and remain in control over the woman but the woman is the one who truly knows what they want.  She believes this is true in real life and is portrayed exactly the same in the movies.  She has based this conclusion on the television programs and movies she has watched.  I beg to differ with her and as you read my report, you will discover the many reasons why.

Another student named Tenneson believes that it is very rare to see the unity model of marriage portrayed in the media.  More often than not, the dominance model is likely to be shown in the media and the characters in movies and television shows.  She feels that on occasion, there will be the equity model portrayed as the relationship model of choice but anti-unity values are most often portrayed in the media.  The AUVs are in the media and I strongly agree.  As you read on, you will see my proof through my own observations.

Anti-Unity Values in the Movies

I have chosen a movie called “Unfaithful” which stars popular actress, Diane Lane, as a housewife who is rather unsatisfied with her marriage with her husband, Richard Gere.  In a act of chance she encounters a man who is younger and physically attractive to her.  In a rather innocent manner, she is invited into his house to clean off her cut knee and finds herself attracted to the attention and aggressive personality of this young man named Peter Martel.  He strongly pursues her and provides a rapture in which she begins a marital affair with him.  She craves attention, love and affection from her husband who does love her very much but is a business man who is often busy. Instead of talking things over with him, she ignores the problem and tries to “pretend it doesn’t exist and their marriage is fine.”  Her husband, in turn, notices her beginning distance and different personality towards him and suspects the problem but does not address it with her either.  Instead he hires a detective to follow her. 

There are many Anti-unity values in this movie.  The first of course, being the most obvious is the marital affair that she has with Peter.  By engaging in sexual acts with another man, it definitely displays dishonesty and unfaithfulness to your spouse.  To dig deeper into the root of this problem is the actions (adultery) occur due to the engaging of one’s own personal desires needs and wants instead of focusing on the needs, wants and desires of your spouse.  This dishonesty and betrayal hurts the other and causes an immediate withdrawal or love, trust and emotions towards their lover.  By committing adultery, Diane buys new lingerie for Peter in which she displays anti-unity values of dressing sexy for the benefit of someone other than her own spouse.  This betrays and hurts the spouse.  It is also displaying the anti-unity value of flirting with the opposite sex for any various reasons.  By doing so, this causes the separation of bonding between both spouses because one is engaging in forming a seductive bond or lust with another man resulting in the withdrawl of closeness to the spouse.  In turn, these anti-unity values will cause the relationship to be destroyed because the other spouse will feel left out and unwanted as their partner pulls away from them.  This hurts the spouse and damages their emotions and feelings.  The well-being and happiness of both partners will only be damaged by anti-unity values. 

In another scene, Diane Lane lies to her husband about her whereabouts and deceives him when he attempts to “make things better” by spending time with her.  She turns him away instead of talking with him.  The anti-unity values observed her are the lack of communication, the manipulation of the other through deception and accepting that it’s okay to agree to disagree.  Communication is very essential to marital satisfaction and success and with the lack of it, spouses may become lost, confused and misinterpret information leading them to pull away from each other in concern of being hurt and ultimately confrontation which could lead to the ending of the relationship.  Issues must be brought up and to do this communication is needed.  To agree to disagree is to agree that it is okay to be different and not unite as one.   By doing so, you are agreeing to not have a unity marriage because you need to unify with each other in order to have a unity marriage.  You must agree to agree. 

Throughout this movie, Richard Gere is portrayed as the innocent husband who is so good to his wife and faithful to her and portrays the woman as the conniving and wrongful person.  This anti-unity value of promoting the idea that men are more rational than women is ever so defined and displayed throughout the whole movie.  This prevents a unity marriage because both must be seen as equals, not one as more superior than the other.  By one being more than the other, it displays inequality and therefore inferiority in one partner which shows over-powerment.  

Reactions and Analysis to AUV’s in the Movies

My initial reactions to this movie were that the woman was so wrong and was at fault.  I immediately felt sorry for the husband and thought, “how could someone do that to such a great husband.”  However, after taking this class and learning about the unity model of marriage and the concepts and developing a few of my own, I chose to analyze this movie and watched it once more.  I discovered that anti-unity values are everywhere in this movie as well as in the media and I fail to recognize so many of them.  It amazes me that so many movies portray women as the “evil and manipulating” ones.  This movie was the perfect example.  It is important for people to realize that the anti-unity values within the marriage between Diane and Richard were evident before the promiscuity and the affair even took place.  The two had agreed to disagree, lacked communication, has separate interest and activities accepted for each partner, accepted the idea that men are more important, promoted the idea that one should not change their partner but rather accept them for who them with their faults instead of addressing and fixing flaws, promoting the idea that men are more rational than women and promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender. There are so many anti-unity values present in Unfaithful and the media in general that illustrate to the public about the “common characteristics of women and how they behave and should behave in relationships.”  I discussed this movie with two friends and have their reactions listed below.

My Friend’s Reactions to AUV’s in the Movies

Sori- “I think that movie was messed up.  She, Diane, should have talked to her husband about what she wanted or was lacking in the relationship and it wasn’t like he was unapproachable.  He was good to her and faithful and she was the one who cheated on him and had the affair and that’s just wrong.  She had no excuse because it wasn’t like he was mean or bad to her and wouldn’t have listened.”

I then, asked her if she felt the entire fault was on her or if the husband could have had a role in fault as well in at least leading to the ultimate infidelity act and she replied, “I guess he could have been at fault a little for her initial dissatisfaction in their marriage which lead to the cheating but ultimately, she was the one who cheated and is at fault.  The husband even tried to make it up to her by taking her to lunch and she was the one who wouldn’t let him and pushed him away. 

I asked her why she felt the media portrayed anti-unity values so often and she replied,”I feel that the media displays infidelity and cheating often in the media because it is taboo and something that many people do or have thought about doing but no one really talks about so it interests people to see how it all turns out.”

I asked her if she feels it effects her or other people and she replied, “I don’t feel like it really has an effect on me just because I’m so used to seeing it in the media.  I definitely believe that by showing all these infidelity characteristics in women in the media that it is degrading to women.  People begin to see women as the bad people or manipulative ones and once we show one quality that is similar to the cheating woman characters in the movies, men label us with names that have negative attachments to them and its kinda not fair.  I think that men are the ones that are more likely to cheat in the first place and are the ones that hurt and try to dominate women in the relationship.  Women always have to fight and argue for what they want and then when we do, we are labeled as bossy or naggy.  It’s like, how are women supposed to win.”

Yukie- “I thought that movie was messed up.  I think cheating is so wrong and she totally messed up their marriage and he was so good to her.  He totally loved her and just because he was busy and didn’t spend that much time with her, she cheated on him.  I mean, give me a break.  I would love to have a husband who worked hard so that I could be a stay-at-home-mom like she was and go shopping whenever I felt like and do whatever I want all day.  He loved her too and she should understand that he is busy with work.  If he wasn’t, they wouldn’t have money and then how would they survive cause she sure ain’t working and making income for her family.”

I asked her if she felt the entire fault was on the wife and she replied, “Totally!  She cheated on him.  She slept and flirted with another man.  Her husband was faithful to her.  She’s totally at fault and she’s stupid to do so.”

I asked her why she thinks that the media displays anti-unity values so often and she replied, “Cause it’s interesting to watch and people like to see conflict and drama.  That’s what makes a show exciting.  If it’s perfect then no one is going to want to watch it cause no one’s life is perfect and so they won’t be able to relate to the characters and will get bored.  Right?  I mean who wants to watch a perfect life show.  You gotta have drama to appeal to people.”

I then, asked her if she feels it effects her or other people and she replied, “No, not really cause everyone knows its just a show.  It’s not real and people know that so I don’t think it really matters.  It’s just entertainment.”

My Own Analysis to AUV’s in the Movies

After talking it over with my two best friends, I realized that anti-unity values seem to be almost ingrained into us and are so much present everywhere in society that we don’t even realize they are there and when addressed, many of us do not even think they are detrimental to relationships.  Anti-unity values are accepted.  It came as a shock to me and a disappointment.  It made me stop to think, “what is society coming to that we can’t even realize the negative actions, beliefs and thoughts around us that we are probably going to partake in and are ultimately going lead us to disaster and dissatisfaction.”  It then made me sad and upset.  Even my friends did not notice it, especially Yukie.  She completely is absorbed in anti-unity values and “brainwashed” to think that women are at fault and that all of these negative values portrayed against women in the media are normal and have no effect on the way people think and see women.  I strongly believe that AUV’s in the media DO affect our thinking.  They are probably one of the main reasons why everyone seems to think that it is okay to agree to disagree and that women are manipulative and should be dominated by the man and that flirting is okay and a man having benefits such as “only men activities” and “having a person of the opposite sex as a best friend and more important than your spouse is okay” and “accepting that people should not have to change their flaws but should be accepted strictly for how they are.”  We, as a society, are so brainwashed that we don’t even realize them anymore and consider them as “a natural part of life.”  It honestly disturbs me and fills me with concern for women both now and especially in the future generations to come. 

Discovering AUV’s in Music

The movies are not the only area where AUV’s are being displayed and sent out to us.  Music is ever so popularly filled with AUV’s and many of us sing the lyrics without even realizing what we are saying and the true message of the song.  Those who do realize the message of the song, overlook it and still like the song despite the disturbing messages!

The song “secret lovers” by the popular group, Atlantic Star is a perfect example of anti-unity values portrayed in the music.  I have listed the lyrics below. 

Atlantic Starr
Secret Lovers

Here we are the two of us together
Taking this crazy chance to be all alone
We both know that we should not be together
Cause if they found out
It could mess up both our happy homes
 
I hate to think about us all meeting up together
As soon as I looked at you it would show on my face
Then they'll know that we've been loving each other
They can never know, oh no, we can't leave a trace
 
Secret lovers that's what we are, we shouldn't be together
But we can't let it go, oh no, cause we love each other so
 
Sittin at home I do nothing all day
But think about you and hope that you’re okay
Hoping you'll call before anyone gets home
I'll wait anxiously, alone...by the phone
 
How could something so wrong be so right
I wish we didn't have to keep our love out of sight
Living two lives just ain't easy at all
But we gotta hang on and after all
 
Secret lovers that's what we are
Trying so hard to hide the way we feel
Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can't let it go, cause what we feel is oh so real
So real...so real...
 
You and me, are we fair
Is this cruel, or do we care
Can they tell what's in our minds
Maybe they've had secret love all of the time
 
In the middle of makin' love we notice the time
We both get nervous cause it's way after nine
Even though we hate it, we know it's time that we go
We gotta be careful, so that no one will know
 
Secret lovers, that's what we are
Trying so hard to hide the way we feel
Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can't let it go
Cause what we feel is oh so real
So real...so real...so real...so real!

This popular song that is played everywhere from restaurants to doctor’s offices to grocery stores and hotel music is about committing adultery and lying to the one your married to.  It displays that it is okay to cheat on your spouse as long as the other does not find out for as long as the other does not discover it, they will not get hurt.  It also displays that they think about each other and “wait anxiously by the phone” for each other’s call which shows anti-unity values of choosing someone over the preference of your spouse.  It devalues the relationship and vows taken by partners and prevents the spouses from uniting together into a happy and unified marriage because the attention, affection and love is being distributed to someone else other than their own spouse.  This divides the spouses and not only prevents a bond between the married partners but also risks the chance of breaking the bond that already exists between the spouses should they discover the love affair.  The spouse would be emotionally, mentally, and physically betrayed and hurt preventing trust and unification between both the husband and wife. 

Another popular song called “Big pimpin” by popular rapper Jay-Z features a limitless amount of examples of anti-unity values in his song listed below.

"Big Pimpin"
It's big pimpin baby..
It's big pimpin, spendin G's
Feel me.

You know I - thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don't fuckin need em
Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed em
First time they fuss I'm breezin
Talkin bout, "What's the reasons?"
I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Better trust than believe em
In the cut where I keep em
til I need a nut, til I need to beat the guts
Then it's, beep beep and I'm pickin em up
Let em play with the dick in the truck
Many chicks wanna put Jigga fist in cuffs
Divorce him and split his bucks
Just because you got good head, I'ma break bread
so you can be livin it up? Shit I..
parts with nothin, y'all be frontin
Me give my heart to a woman?
Not for nothin, never happen
I'll be forever mackin
Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion
I got no patience
And I hate waitin..
Hoe get yo' ass in here
And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE.. check em out now
RI-I-I-I-I-IDE, yeah
And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE.. check em out now
RI-I-I-I-I-IDE, yeah

We doin.. big pimpin, we spendin cheese
Check em out now
Big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s
We doin.. big pimpin up in N.Y.C.
It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B
Yo yo yo.. big pimpin, spendin cheese
We doin - big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s
We doin.. big pimpin up in N.Y.C.
It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B

[Bun B]
Nigga it's the - big Southern rap impresario
Comin straight up out the black bar-rio
Makes a mill' up off a sorry hoe
Then sit back and peep my sce-nawr-e-oh
Oops, my bad, that's my scenario
No I can't fuck a scary hoe
Now every time, every place, everywhere we go
Hoes start pointin - they say, "There he go!"
Now these motherfuckers know we carry mo' heat than a little bit
We don't pull it out over little shit
And if you catch a lick when I spit, then it won't be a little hit
Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up yo' vocab
Don't be surprised if yo' hoe stab out with me
and you see us comin down on yo' slab
Livin ghetto-fabulous, so mad, you just can't take it
But nigga if you hatin I
then you wait while I get yo' bitch butt-naked, just break it
You gotta pay like you weigh wet wit two pairs of clothes on
Now get yo' ass to the back as I'm flyin to the track
Timbaland let me spit my pro's on
Pump it up in the pro-zone
That's the track that we breakin these hoes on
Ain't the track that we flow's on
But when shit get hot, then the glock start poppin like ozone
We keep hoes crunk like Trigger-man
Fo' real it don't get no bigger man
Don't trip, let's flip, gettin throwed on the flip
Gettin blowed with the motherfuckin Jigga Man, fool

We be.. big pimpin, spendin cheese
We be.. big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s
We be.. big pimpin down in P.A.T.
It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B
Cause we be.. big pimpin, spendin cheese
And we be.. big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s
Cause we be.. big pimpin in P.A.T.
It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B.. nigga

[Pimp C]
Uhh.. smokin out, throwin up, keepin lean up in my cup
All my car got leather and wood, in my hood we call it buck
Everybody wanna ball, holla at broads at the mall
If he up, watch him fall, nigga I can't fuck witch'all
If I wasn't rappin baby, I would still be ridin Mercedes
Chromin shinin sippin daily, no rest until whitey pay me
Uhhh, now what y'all know bout them Texas boys
Comin down in candied toys, smokin weed and talkin noise

[Jay-Z]
On a canopy my stamina be enough for Pamela Anderson Lee
MTV jam of the week
Made my money quick then back to the streets but
Still sittin on blades... sippin that ray...
Standin on the corner of my block hustlin
Still gettin that cane
half what I paid slippin right through customs
It'll sell by night its extra white...
I got so many grams if the man find out
it will land me in jail for life
But im still big pimpin spendin chesse
with B.U.N. B, Pimp C, and Timothy
We got bitches in the back of the truck, laughin it up
Jigga Man that's what's up

This song was on the top of Billboard charts for months and still remains as one of the classic rap/ hip-hop songs played on the radio and in the nightclubs.  Yet when you listen to the words, they complete degrade women and portray men as the dominant beings in society and women as the frivolous gendered beings.  It demonstrates that not only is it okay to dominate, abuse and use women but it is cool and even portrays the idea that women don’t mind being used.  The rapper portrays women as inferior to men and able to be dominated and controlled and shows the easy ways he manipulates them.  These are all anti-unity values which are beliefs and actions that are definitely going to prevent a successful reach to the unity model of marriage.  How is a women and man going to unify within themselves to become equal parts within each other if the woman is seen as inferior or lacking merit and worthiness in comparison to the man.  Unification requires equal participation and value from each spouse.  By using and abusing the woman, this creates a negative environment for the woman and pushes her away from even attempting to bond with a man who views her as inferior and unimportant.  She feels unappreciated and undervalued and will not gain marital satisfaction from a spouse who views her as such a person. 

The Effects of AUV’s in Music

The effects of AUV’s so often shown in music is so detrimental to women and in turn to society because married couples are widely dispersed in our society.  When people drive or shop or even work, they are exposed to music.  Music is very much a part of almost every individuals life.  Therefore, to constantly have AUV’s in music and streaming through our minds influences us, whether we recognize it or not.  If we understand the lyrics and the message of the song then it enters our head and we think about it subconsciously.  After being exposed over and over to different songs all portraying anti-unity values, we become accustomed to it and begin to overlook the meaning and the significant impact it has on the our views towards females and males and how we should be treated.  If we do not recognize the lyrics, it is often because we are so used to these types of views that it does not even phase us anymore and possibly, we have been brainwashed to see it as normal views and actions when in reality, they are not.  These values being portrayed will lead us to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in marital life as well as towards possible friendships and relationships with others. 

I discussed these two popular songs with my two best friends as well and asked them what they thought about it and if they even realized what they were singing and their reaction.  Here is what they had to say:

My Friend’s Reactions to AUV’s in Music

Sori- “I knew that was what they were saying and the message of the song but I like the beats and I still like the song.  I just remind myself that they are not talking about me and I would not want to be in that type of situation but its just a song.  I can see why it is seen as negative, especially towards women because it degrades us and makes it seem like women are often used and abused and that’s what the stars are doing.  By musicians singing with anti-unity values, they are showing people that this is what the celebrities and lots of other people are doing and this is how they feel too about women.  It makes infidelity and degrading women seem normal, like it happens all the time.”

Yukie- “I knew what they were saying but I still like the songs.  I don’t really care cause its just a song.  I like the way it sounds and the beats and stuff so I don’t mind.  It is degrading and talks about women really negatively but it’s not me and I don’t feel like just because I like the song that men are going to think that they can use and abuse me, you know.  Its just music.”

My Reaction and Analysis to AUV’s in Music

Once again, I realize that AUV’s are so commonly overlooked by almost everyone in society, including my friends.  They don’t realize the impact it really has on society.  I’m saddened to thin that my friends don’t see what I’m talking about when I try to convince them that it is important to recognize AUV’s and realize that it is not normal behavior and values.  These are things that hurt us and we are singing along with it, degrading ourselves.  My friends all plan to be married someday with a family so these AUV’s affect them!  This is how society portrays women and how men in society are going to portray and treat us and if we are going to be married, it is so important to realize these AUV’s and stop them from ruining the way our future spouse is going to treat us and view us.

Discovering the Common Model of Marriage Society Resides In

I have searched a website called iVillage.com for postings on relationships and found an interesting posting under the marriage category of “happily married.”  The posting that I chose to analyze is listed at this web address:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhappilymar&msg=21038.1&ctx=512

In this posting, a woman discusses her thought that maybe marriages either have passion or respect for each other but not both.  She feels that her marriage is one in which both she and her husband are willing to do whatever it takes to make the other happy and that they have lots of respect for each other and like each other very much but they do not have passion.  She misses the passion in the relationship and is asking for advice from others on how to create the passion and if there actually are people who are married who have both passion and respect in their marriages. 

Most all of the responses posted admit to having both passion and respect but most importantly respect in their marriage.  They all agree that respect is essential in a marriage and that a marriage cannot survive without it.  Some people advise that passion is not as important because the sex is great but it comes with “drama and baggage” that hurt the marriage more than anything.  After reading the advice from people, I realize that I don’t see any advice coming from people that appear to be in a unity model of marriage.  They either appear to be in a dominance model or equity model.  Many seem to be in an equity model because they stress that both partners in a marriage should equally respect each other in order for the marriage to work.  They are seeing things from a “you meet me half way and I’ll meet you half way” outlook.  Some people seem to give advice coming from a dominance model because they claim that sometimes, you need to demand respect which creates the passion.  This shows acts of dominance and an effort to demand something in order to gain marital satisfaction. 

The Common Model of Marriage Self-Help Marriage Books Suggest

I searched amazon.com for books on marriage in an effort to analyze the feedback from those who have read it and how these books relate to the unity model of marriage.  When first searching for these marriage books, I was shown the top choices in marriage books chosen by amazon.com shoppers.  I have listed these three top selling books below as well as editorial reviews, the feedback provided by those who have read it and provide my analysis in relation to the unity model of marriage below. 

1.The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert -- by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver; Paperback

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com
According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review
"An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent -- and long-lasting -- marriage."        
-- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
-- Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way

"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic."        
-- Newsweek

"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today

"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer

"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World

"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com

After reading the editorial review and the reviews from others, I have come to think that this book is all about using anti-unity values as a way to describe a “healthy and happy” marriage.  By displaying that it is okay to “agree to disagree” and that it benefits the marriage is completely the opposite of the unity model of marriage.  This book seems to display more themes from the dominance model of marriage.  It is okay for the couples to disagree and not communicate with one another and to accept each other as they are and that they don’t need to change are main themes of the book.  I’m shocked at the highly agreeing reviews that this author has received from variable qualifiedly resources.  It disturbs me to think that if I was in a marriage and needed information and help that this is the top recommended book to me for fixing my marriage.  IT’S FILLED WITH ANTI-UNITY VALUES FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!!

2. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry -- by Leslie Parrott, Les Parrott III; Hardcover

Editorial Reviews

From AudioFile
Two married mental health pros offer a compact guide to tuning up your marriage. It's billed as a pre-marriage diagnostic tool, but it's mainly a primer on the common problems men and women have in long-term relationships. Women are process-oriented and think out loud. Men are more egotistical and goal-oriented, and prefer fighting battles to understanding them. It's Mars and Venus revisited, along with some interesting insights on why marriages go wrong. The writing is authoritative, but the gentle narration speaks to the heart. A final section on including God in your marriage is tastefully presented and contributes to making the program a nice guide for anyone whose marriage is threatening to go off course. T.W. © AudioFile 2001, Portland, Maine-- Copyright © AudioFile, Portland, Maine --This text refers to the Audio Cassette edition.

My analysis of this second rated book is that they present themes from a dominance model of marriage and is also filled with AUV’s.  The book focuses on providing understanding that women and men are just naturally different and that is the way it is.  It is agreeing to disagree and displays the idea that couples need to understand, recognize and accept that the opposite sex is different and shows the different types of ways that couples try to change each other rather than just “dealing with it.”  These are all anti-unity values that are being shown as the solution to marriage problems and as guides on how to prevent an unhealthy marriage but they all go against the unity model of marriage.

3. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised -- by Howard J. Markman, et al; Paperback

Editorial Reviews

Review
To this new edition (the original came out in 1994), the authors have added current research on marriage and societal changes. At its core, however, remains the program that Markman and Scott Stanley, codirectors of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, created to help couples overcome nuptial difficulties: the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). Based on empirical research, PREP emphasizes teaching couples to handle conflict better by using the speaker-listener technique, which involves having one person speak at a time while the other actively listens. Because of the authors' unfortunate attempts at humor and some rather unncessary and slapdash-looking cartoon, this is perhaps not to most appealing manual on the subject. Nonetheless, it's still recommended for public and social work libraries owing to the tried-and-true methodology it explains. (Library Journal, November 15, 2001)

"Just about everyone can improve their marriage.... They can learn skills to help them handle negative emotions in marriage. It's the discord that hurts kids," (USA Today, December 13, 2001)

"…Finally, 'Staying the Course' deals with marriage maintenance and has excellent chapters on the need for realistic expectations and forgiveness; the latter includes an imaginative programme-one of the book's many excellent exercises-to make it a practical reality. Highly recommended…" (Sexual & Relationship Therapy, Vol.17, No. 4, 2002)

Review
"A divorce prevention society should be formed to place a copy of this book in every hotel room in Niagara Falls-scratch that, every hotel room in this country. Every wife or husband struggling to say married, especially happily married, should read this book." — Maggie Gallagher, coauthor, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, & Better Off Financially

"I love this book! If you want to be happily, successfully married, buy it, master it, and it's all you'll every need. While you're at it, buy a copy for every couple you love. You won't need one for your kids, they'll learn by watching you." — Diane Sollee, founder and director, Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education

My analysis on this book is that the concepts come from the equity model because they focus on teaching couples on how to take turns speaking and listening so that the other is not interrupted.  This creates equality between each spouse and gives them equal opportunity to say how they feel and express what they think.  It does not seem to show concepts of the unity model of marriage because it seems to stay on the cognitive level rather than attempting to elevate the couple to the affective level of conjugal love.  If it were demonstrating the unity model of marriage then it would be emphasizing the concepts of allowing the other to speak because you want to hear what they are thinking and feeling, not because you want to listen so that it will soon be their turn to listen to you. 

My Analysis on AUV’s in Self-Help Marriage Books

My overall analysis over the rest of the books is that most marriage help books are coming from the dominance model and very few come from the equity model of marriage.  I found none that I believe to be representing the unity model of marriage which really disappointed me.  It’s sad to think that society has placed all these AUV’s everywhere and that we continue to run into problems because of them and with the positive intentions on solving the marital problems we run into because of AUV’s, we are guided by books based on teaching you how to improve through AUV strategies!  It’s like the blind leading the blind. 

My Concept of AUV’s

After taking this course and learning what anti-unity values are and learning how to recognize them, I see them everywhere and hear them everywhere and it is so discouraging and upsetting.  Especially because they devalue women and being a girl, I see the constant effort of devaluing of females accepted in society.  That scares me because it makes me wonder if there is even a chance that I can find a man who is able to recognize these values as well and is willing to change and treat me properly, going against what the media has brainwashed him to think and act.  Even I did not notice it so there is major concern about anti-unity values.  I can now see why it is so important to recognize AUV’s to stop them in their course of destroying our chance at marital bliss and satisfaction.  I can also see why it is so important that those who take the class publish their findings in these reports because we are teaching others in society something most people overlook and don’t realize.  AUV’s are so controversial and although you need an open mind to slowly realize how they are everywhere and affecting us, it is something that you will always recognize after you understand them.  I feel like a stronger and wiser person because I know what AUV’s are now. 

If I had to explain my understanding of AUV’s to someone now, it would be like this:

Anti-unity values are values and qualities that lead to the prevention of marital satisfaction.  They are values and beliefs that separate spouses and prevent them from forming bonds together and unifying within each other, preventing the highest level of relationship success. 

My Concept of the Unity Model of Marriage

The Unity model of marriage is the highest stage of marriage and provides the highest level of marital satisfaction.  It is a marriage in which both partners have complete respect and unconditional love for each other reaching the affective level of marriage.  It is only in this model that a marriage can experience pure conjugal love.  This model of marriage goes beyond equity but selflessly continues to provides their spouse with the most happiness that they can offer by catering to the other’s wants, needs and desires.  By both giving 100% instead of 50/50, complete marital satisfaction is achieved through trust and dependency.  The two spouses will unite as one within each other giving into each other in the pursuit of the other’s happiness.  A purely satisfactual marriage can only be obtained through the unity model of marriage.

Tips To The Next Generation

As a message to those in the next generation, I would say that my tip to you is to keep an open mind.  I understand that these AUV’s go against everything you know as fact and as natural and that’s fine.  However, you will not understand and see the concepts of the unity model of marriage without keeping your mind fully open.  With each concept, try to see how it could possibly relate to you and those that you know and take it a step at a time.  Also, use Google for searching for things on the web.  It’s a good way access information according to what you are looking for. 

My Suggestion to Teaching AUV’s and the Unity Model of Marriage

My suggestion in regards to teaching the unity model of marriage to college students is to remind students that it is only when we unlearn what we have learned that you will begin to recognize and understand the anti-unity values and their true effects on society.

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G24 Class Home Page:                  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm