Psychology 409B: The Unity Model of Marriage 5/02/06
A Male’s Excuses for the Internal Sensorimotor Self
By Carly Kanemaru
I. Introduction
-The topics in this outline are from Joshua Coleman’s “The Lazy Husband” pages 150-181.
-Coleman provides the “answers” and/or “excuses” on why men remain in their “supposedly clueless and selfish nature.”
II. Excuse Number One
-Status and the work environment are used as an explanation on why men are more self-centered than women.
-Men are in need for status because it determines “the quality of women they attract, amount of income they earn, and the respect received from other men.”
-Men want to be good and interactive fathers but the work force does not do much to support this.
-They are constantly motivated by their boss, family, wives and children to continue to strive for economic success and status.
III. Excuse Number Two
-Empathy is a female characteristic that is encouraged and nourished throughout a female’s lifetime.
-Males are programmed to be more assertive and aggressive, losing the “ability to sense or feel what others are thinking and feeling” and be more sensitive towards it.
-For a male to retain an empathetic characteristic would be seen as detrimental to their gender’s standards.
IV. Excuse Number Three
-Biologically, males and females are generally the same in basics, however, they do differ from each other significantly in particular areas.
a) Parenting- The male’s attitude towards parenting is not as great because of the successful reproduction rates in the past.
-Males are potentially able to reproduce and pass on their genes with each sexual encounter.
-This is why males do not invest as much time, effort and concern into their children, being that they could easily reproduce another one at any given moment.
-Females are the opposite because they are only given a certain number of eggs, can only release one egg a month and must carry the child for 9 months.
-Reproductive success rate is low and therefore women show more concern, effort and time into their gene carriers.
V. Excuse Number Four
-Men are not as interested in investing in their children due to past paternal uncertainty.
a) Males did not want to invest when he may be contributing to the success and survival of someone else’s genes.
b) Females are certain they are the mothers because they carry the children.
-This results in higher investment by the mother for the child.
VI. Excuse Number Five
-Men are concerned with autonomy, independence and status where as women are concerned with intimacy, consensus building, and cooperation.
-Any “hint of subordination” to a man is reflected in his mind as a suggestion for vulnerable actions, taking one step closer to the loss of their “manhood.”
-This is why women should expect their husbands to refrain from helping out around the house or with completing a simple request.
-When men are asked to do something, it makes them feel like their status has just decreased and their wives are trying to take control and steal their independence from them.
-Thus, a likely result from asking a request will be the refusal to complete the task or to refrain from immediate acceptance of the task in an effort to take control and “assert their independence.”
VII. Excuse Number Six
-Because it is a natural characteristic of men to need to hold onto their autonomy, women need to respect this aspect of a man, including the one they’re with.
-This can be done by:
a) Asking a man to do a favor instead of telling him what to do.
b) Understand and expect men to not be as involved with household activities and chores as a female.
c) Understand that males are sometimes ashamed with asking for help in concern for appearing weak. Do not place them in such a situation.
d) Understand that men are involved with their role as a father, just not involved in the same way as a mother.
e) Stop focusing the blame on the male and consider “how you subtly or overtly diminish your bargaining power in your marriage.
-I’m not assertive enough.
-I feel too guilty to make demands.
-I feel intimidated by my husband’s anger or threats.
-I believe that women should be responsible for the house and kids, no matter how little men do.
-I give up to easily when we negotiate.
-I don’t know how to negotiate.
VIII. Excuse Number Seven
-Men are very sexual creatures who are constantly consumed with the idea of sex.
-Women need more appreciation, emotion and romance to become aroused and ready for sex.
-Many men need sex in order to feel connected and close to their wives and to express their love towards their wife.
-In order for a working mother to get her husband to help and contribute to the domestic family life, they should create an environment for this change.
-The only way to create this motivating environment for change and help is through sex.
-However, if a male has a low sex drive, a wife should do the following steps.
1) Try to engage him in a conversation about his feelings and see if your sexual relationship is something he is WILLING to work on.
2) Encourage him to talk about this.
3) Seek a couple’s therapist if necessary.
4) If he is unwilling, accept your differences and prioritize what IS good in your life and marriage.
VIV. My Interpretation
-I feel that this book is a clever attempt at misleading a woman to disregard her emotions, feelings and respect for herself.
-The author cleverly disguises the sensorimotor acts of an independent male in a justifiable female perspective, hoping to result in acceptance and allowance for a man to continue in his independent and self-righteous manner.
-I feel that it is not about independence and status, it is about males being too insecure that they need to be in constant battle with their wives to convince themselves that they are important and worth something and have power over someone else. It’s pathetic.
-These are examples that demonstrate the self-centered nature of a male, not reasonable explanations for why “they are the way they are.”
Related Links
This website provides information on men’s flaws and issues in marriages.
This website provides information on how to fix a marriage.
www.retrouvaille.org/publicity/marriage_help/index.html
This website provides a guide to decide if a marriage is worth saving.
www.divorcesupport.om/divorce/Is-This-Marriage-Worth -Saving-371.html
My Home page:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/kanemaru/kanemaru-home.htm
Class Home Page
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm