Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By: Anthony Lagondino
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 2, 4, 10, 11, 13
The Question I am answering is Question #2
A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.
(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what its cause is. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
The ability for a husband and wife to attain pure happiness does not just come naturally there is work to be done in the marriage. Each spouse has the ability to help the marriage unit achieve conjugial love. The husband and wife in the above example may not have reached a unified state on all three levels of the three-fold self and therefore there is still room for each spouse to react to one another with disrespect and hatred. It seems that they are only in the first level of unity which is referred to as sensorimotor consociation and involves what the couple does together externally or socially. By the above example only mentioning what the couple does socially it leads me to believe that they have not quite gotten to the second level which is called cognitive affiliation.
“Cognitive affiliation would involve how they each think and to what extent they agree in definitions and beliefs. The third and deepest level - affective conjunction, involves what they feel for each other and whether they are striving for the same goals. This includes what they are motivated to achieve, whether for instance, they are willing to make their unification as the most important element in their life, more important than anything else.” Once the couple is able to move into the next stage of the three-fold self and the next level of the unity model they will be able to successfully disagree without turning to disrespect and hatred.
(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
The unity model, as I mentioned above has three levels, first being the sensorimotor consociation which involves the couple’s social activities together. This is the simplest level. The second level is called cognitive affiliation and involves the couple’s agreement and definition of beliefs together. The last, deepest level is affective conjunction which involves if they have the same goals. By referring to the unity model a couple can avoid an argument like the one above, continuing to do things they enjoy together. Hike, dance, bowl anything that the two enjoy should be continued this can reaffirm the bond being in the first level of the unity model.
Moving toward the second level of unity can be easier for the woman because they are mentally oriented towards conjunction. “This includes how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, what philosophy of life and religion. These cognitive behaviors and habits are more resistant to mutual adaptation and reciprocity in the relationship.” When a man and a woman achieve this second level unity, they can love each other more deeply and the relationship continues to grow and become more satisfying and enriching. Once this level can be attained it would be safe to assume that fewer if any arguments like the one mentioned above would take place.
If the couples plan to avoid the same arguments and more importantly reach the third level of unity, they must agree on the same goals. The Lecture notes discuss “Affective Reciprocity as the basis of an eternal unity between husband and wife. Only conjoint feelings, loves, desires, or goals are allowed to remain operational in their mind. This is achieved by a systematic and long term effort in reciprocal growth. The partners abandon their feelings, loyalties, goals, or involvements that are not conjoint and exclude the other partner.” In the real world this would mean the above mentioned couple would need to spend less time with people other than their spouse. Spending too much time away from your spouse does not contribute to unity in marriage, but slows the process down or acts against it.
The three-fold self has three stages that a married couple may go through. The first level is dominance, the second is equity and the third is unity. This third and final level is where all married couples strive to be. It means that they are fully coordinated with one another, they value each other’s opinions and the husband strives to align his feelings with his wife’s. Cognitive unity is gradually achieved through such a process, as long as both partners are sincere rather than just manipulative. If a couple can reach this state or at least make a valiant effort the room for anger, hatred, and distrust becomes so small that they can only focus on the positives.
According to the "unity" model of marriage, the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates. Couples at this state of unity have already achieved all three levels of the three-fold self. At this stage they have abandoned the separate ways and have decided, vowed to entertain themselves, physically, mentally and spiritually with each other. The married couple mentioned in the example above obviously has a long way to go until they develop a conjoint self but it is possible. It is the best possible outcome for a marriage with two willing partners.
(c) The unity model says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview several women of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of 10 to 20 items that highlight what the women have said about their experiences with men's resistance to intimacy. Discuss the list and what it can be used for.
I posed two questions to 3 different women ages; Lisa - 27, Adrienne - 36 and Roberta - 52. The questions I asked were, “Why do you think are men resistant to intimacy and conjugial unity?” and “What have been your experiences with men and their inability to maintain intimacy?” I first had to explain what conjugial unity was, not one person I mentioned the term to knew what it meant. Here are some responses I got:
1. Adrienne – Men are selfish and have a hard time looking at things from a woman’s point of view. I mean, we have to put ourselves in their shoes sometimes but it seems impossible for them to do the same.
2. Lisa – I think that men actually have a different brain from us. They obviously do not think in the same manner as women.
3. Adrienne – They just do not know the meaning of intimacy.
4. Roberta – They immediately think that intimacy means “sex.”
5. Lisa – They are conditioned by society to be manly and being intimate to them means not being manly.
6. Roberta – Men don’t know that we have far different emotions and reactions to them than they do.
7. Adrienne – I may be a bad example, but because my ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant I feel that maybe they are just too much about procreation as opposed to deep intimacy or conjugial love with one woman. The whole need to spread his seed mentality
8. Lisa – My boyfriend and I seem to have a great level of intimacy, is it on par with the conjugial love or does it have the potential of getting there, I don’t know, probably not.
9. Adrienne – I am not sure that the whole conjugial thing exists. I think that we all find a man that gives us the right level of intimacy and there is no “straight across the board” level of intimacy that is right for everyone.
10. Lisa – The conjugial unity seems to be more of a religious thing and I guess you cannot reach it without being religious but I know plenty of couples who seem to have a great relationship but aren’t church goers.
11. Roberta – I don’t think men are incapable of learning to be more intimate. We kind of have to teach them.
12. Adrienne – Men want different things from a relationship. They want a happy home and wife on their terms. They try to get by with as little intimacy and as much sex as possible.
I found the answers given by the women above to be very enlightening. I probably should have interviewed my wife to see what her opinions are on men and intimacy, but they may have been a heated discussion! I think that even though their answers were different the feeling was the same. Women feel that make are nearly incapable of having a sense of intimacy about them. I think that I am probably a much more “intimate” man than most, definitely more so than many of my friends but I agree that our view on the subject is very different from a woman’s. I think that the only way to fin out how women really feel about men and intimacy is to ask them and should any researcher choose to take on the topic of men and intimacy he would need to go straight o the horse’s mouth to get any real type of understanding.
The Question I am answering is Question #4
a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, 22, and 23, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students
The four student reports that I chose to review are:
Generation 20 – My Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV) by Suzanne Howard
Generation 21 – My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage by Cheryl Sabey
Generation 22 – My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage by Jenny Kwan
Generation 23 – My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage by Cloe Bernstein
(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
Suzanne Howard (G20)
The first section of Suzanne’s report deals with her reviews of three student reports from previous generations that discuss gender relationships. She summarizes each students reports and this is then followed by her report introduction. She states, “I feel the purpose of this course is not to be persuaded to believe these concepts, but to keep a positive bias by knowing that they are possible.” She then gives a brief annotated bibliography where she summarizes five articles and books that she used in the course, this section was labeled “Category 1.” The next section, “Category 2” discusses two prior students’ reports and there is a brief commentary by Suzanne of how she felt about the reports.
The third section, “Category 3” summarizes two articles by Dr. James’ and Suzanne also states what she learned or fells about the articles. The last section “Category 4” is the summary of a semi-autobiographical account of a prior Dr. James student. Suzanne concludes her report by stating, “I have a greater understanding of the differences between men and women and of gender relationships in general. I believe that if someone truly understands this material and puts effort into incorporating the concept of a “unity” relationship into one’s life, this can help the person in achieving a great relationship with their significant other.”
The Link to Suzanne’s report is: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report3.htm
Cheryl Sabey (G21)
The first part of Cheryl’s report answered a question that asked her to compare and contrast three authors’ books/articles, make a chart and give her opinions. I thought that the information was very clear and easy to understand. The next part of her report dealt with her selection of six prior student reports with similar guidelines to the question that I am answering right now. I felt she did a good job in relaying enough information to summarize but not too much to overwhelm the reader if they had not read the report. The next section asked Cheryl to give 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model and create a similar table of 20 new items that she made up herself. Her explanation was very much in detail and the chart that she prepared for the items she came up with was well put together.
The next section asked Cheryl to analyze Dr. Laura Schelssinger’s book and quotes within it. I actually remember some of the quotes from having read the book and I thought her interpretation or analysis of the quotes was well done. The next part had her consider the Threefold Self chart and to create two similar tables using the concepts "being close" and "not getting along." The charts she came up with were concise and put the information she learned into a model. She finished the report with a conclusion and her advice to other students in the future who will take Dr. Leon James’ class(es).
The Link to Cheryl’s report is: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm
Jenny Kwan (G22)
The first part of Jenny’s report answered the same question that I answered above, regarding the example of a couple who has fight out of nowhere and what could cause this to happen and how could it be prevented. She then relates her answers to the threefold self, the conjoint self and the unity model. She also gives her own opinion on the question by relating it to her relationship with her significant other. The next part, Jenny is asked to consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself and analyze the data.
In the next section Jenny analyzes Dr. Laura’s books and gives 10 quotes form the book and explains how she feels about the quotes. She then evaluates Dr. Laura’s opinion of the quotes and relates the information to the lectures notes. The next section asks Jenny to consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes and select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows and briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. She reviews Friends, I’m Sorry I Love You, and Full House and explains how they portray AUVs within them.
The last part of the report is where Jenny reports on other students of the same generation and gives advice to future generations. She states, “you should always follow directions EXACTLY and carefully, keep up with the readings, and do not procrastinate on the outlines and reports.” I agree completely.
The Link to Jenny’s report is: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm
Cloe Bernstein (G23)
The first section Cloe contrasts the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband, and James in The Unity Model of Marriage. I think se did a good job a comparing and also analyzing all four and she had a lot of good opinions as well. The second section as with many of the other reports asks Cloe to answer how a couple can avoid a huge fight over what seems to be nothing and relate her answer to the threefold self model, the unity model and the conjoint self.
The next portion of her report deals with Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, the explanation of "sexual blackmail" and then she relates the unity model to housework, jealousy and sex. She used the same topics that I did and she did a good job with her examples. In the next section Cloe is asked to consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes and select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. Her three shows that she analyzed were The O.C., Desperate Housewives, and Grey’s Anatomy. She then described the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions.
One of the last portions of her report asked her to “Google” the authors whose books she read and explain their web presence, their influence and her opinion on what she found. She also was asked to report on students’ reports from the previous generation and give advice to future generations.
The Link to Cloe’s report is: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/bernstein/bernstein-409b-g23-report2.htm
(c) Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what each student did and said –
(i)
their ideas,
(ii) their method,
(iii) their explanations.
Suzanne Howard (G20)
(i) I felt that the report overall was a summary of other peoples’ work. There was not a whole lot of material that dealt with the author, Suzanne Howard’s opinions. The conclusion was the only part of the report that I felt Suzanne relayed what her opinions were. Although, I do agree with a statement that she made, “I feel that if this idea (the definition of romantic relationships) spreads, gender role stereotypes may persist and may even worsen.”
(ii) Her method was very straight forward when it came to summarizing each student report, article or book. It was very easy to read and understand. The layout of the material made it clear to understand who or what she was analyzing. I thought that there could have been more interpretation of the material she had read, but overall I believe she gave a good summation of everything she read.
(iii) She explained a lot of material and was able to do so without leaving the reader (me) in the dark. Meaning, although I had not read some of the things she was discussing, I felt that I got an overall gist of the report, article etc… I can also validate this because there are books that she analyzed that we read for this class and I felt she gave a good interpretation of the material.
Cheryl Sabey (G21)
(i) I thought that her report was extremely well put together and it had one of the best layouts of all the reports that I have read. The report had a lot of summarization but the questions she chose to answer also had a lot of room for analysis and her opinion. Her ideas, I felt were in line with what I felt and because some of the material she read I was familiar with I could validate her findings.
(ii) Her method to relaying her answers to the selected questions seemed straight-forward and concise which is not a bad thing but rather refreshing. I found she was able to analyze the material and attribute to the lecture notes or real life and do so by not dragging her thoughts out too long.
(iii) Her explanations of the material were very similar to what I was thinking as I read the material and thought of the question posed to her. I thought that the explanations were limited to nice sized paragraphs and were not overwhelming to read. I thought that she put thought into her answers and related the material to either the lecture notes or charts well.
Jenny Kwan (G22)
(i) I thought her report was actually very clear and concise but it was a little difficult to determine where one question ended and the next began. The layout has a huge affect on how the reader can interpret the material and if it is difficult to read the reader may become lost.
(ii) Her method of relaying the information was good in that there were some areas that she correlated the material to her own life. I think by showing real life examples is always the best way t o understand something and to try and make someone else understand the information you are relaying.
(iii) As I mentioned above she explanations were very well organized and well thought out. I thought that she made good points and related her answers to the lecture notes well and also seemed like she knew about the topics she wrote about. Her explanations would be easy to follow if you had never heard about or read any of the books/articles mentioned.
Cloe Bernstein (G23)
(i) I thought that her ideas were very well thought about and had a lot of personal commentary which makes the report more interesting. Having read and written about most of the information she mentions it is nice to read about real life examples instead of the same information form the lecture notes.
(ii) I think her method of relaying her answers was very similar to the rest of class. I think she did interpret the material a lot better than other reports that I read because of the fact she gave more real life examples.
(iii) I think that her explanations were very good. I did find it hard to get to the good points of her report because the colors were difficult to sort through. The color scheme that she chose detracted from the substance behind her explanations.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
Suzanne Howard (G20)
Suzanne states that she feels that she has a better understanding of differences between men and women and gender relationships overall. She feels that by people learning the unity model of marriage they can then incorporate the information into their own relationships and it has the possibility of having a huge impact on society at large. She feels that the information learned has t he potential of changing the way society, men in general, treat women. It seems that she feels that women are the ones to benefit most from the information she learned.
Cheryl Sabey (G21)
Cheryl states that, “The models that were presented in class helped me to look into my own relationship and figure out which model I fall into. It also helped me to understand how things in society and the media interfere with the realities of life.” I thought that this was a good sign because it meant that she thought about the material and was applying or at least considering the material in relation to her own life. She also felt that the information she learned will help her in her current and future relationships.
Jenny Kwan (G22)
Jenny states, “Because I’m not very religious, I’m not sure about the eternal significance of marriage. I don’t know if there if marriage or love will last forever even after death. It is hard for me to believe sometimes because I can’t imagine how it will be when life comes to an end.” She also states that she hopes that she can reach the level of the unity model with her boyfriend one day. She also feels that she learned a lot in the class and, “I strongly do think that this class should be taken by every psychology and non-psychology majors because it is such an interesting and useful class in which you can actually learn about relationships.”
Cloe Bernstein (G23)
After reading some of Cloe’s thoughts like, “I think it is important for both partners to have their feelings heard. This way they are on an equal level and everything is put on to the table. This makes it easier for problems to get worked out. Women are commonly categorized as the ones who always want to spill their feelings, but I think if men did the same, women wouldn’t go so crazy trying to figure out what their men are feeling.” It seems to me that she has learned a lot about the interactions between men and women. Obviously she knows some about the relationships between men and women because she is a women and has a boyfriend but I think she feels, as I do that this course gives you a different perspective on the relationships.
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
Suzanne Howard (G20)
For the most part I do agree with Suzanne’s opinions. I feel that her advice to future generations is useful as well. She states that Dr. James is not trying to force feed the information given just to open your mind to them. I agree that a lot of the material discussed will seem far-fetched and nearly impossible. But by learning the information it enables you to look at the world in a slightly different light. She also thinks that the information taught benefits women. I think it definitely does, almost to the point of having a negative impact on men. But this is as with everything open for debate.
Cheryl Sabey (G21)
I think that the question she answered, the material she read and summarized, and the reports and charts she read and analyzed all had a balance and there was a lot of room for interpretation. I think Cheryl put in a lot of thought and I agree with many of her opinions. I do not think that her opinions influenced me per say; however they posed good questions that enabled me to look at the material and form her perspective and compare it to my own.
Jenny Kwan (G22)
I do not think that anything in this report had a huge impact on my feelings on the issues discussed in her report. I feel similarly to her on some of the questions raised and I actually answered some of the same questions she did and found that out opinions did not differ that much. She did a good job I think at relating the material to herself and trying to use that as a model for someone who has never read any of the material discussed.
Cloe Bernstein (G23)
I think that I agree with most of the answers that Cloe reported. The first section of her report had the most opinion in it and I found that I agreed with all of it. She discusses how she learned about the different ways of understanding men/women relationships, how to look for them in her own relationships and that she actually learned quite a bit in the course. I do not think that her specific answers influence how I think I just found that we thought similarly in many of the issues raised.
The Question I am answering is Question #10
(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction. It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.
This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
level 1 |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner |
2 involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant |
3 |
(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?
Prior to reading the section on Sexual Blackmail, my initial thought was it was when the husband says, “have sex with me or else.” After reading the section I found that it is not so simple. Sexual Blackmail refers directly to the male dominance model. The lecture notes state, “The male dominance model has from time immemorial promoted the sexual slavery of women.” Basically Sexual Blackmail means that if a wife has a husband who brings home a paycheck and has no marital affairs she indebted to do want her wants physically. There is pressure women feel from their husbands, boyfriends, media experts, and social norms, all of which operate to support the male dominance model of interaction between men and women. “Mothers raise their daughters to cater to their father and brothers, and when they begin to date there is enormous pressure on them to "please" the boy they are going with, which means to engage in sexual behavior with him.”
I think that yes, there can be pressure from husbands, boyfriends, and society for women to feel that they must engage physically with a man to please him but I also think that the parenting is a huge issue. If parents raise their daughters with self-esteem, morals and values we would not have to worry about our country’s women feeling the overwhelming pressure to do as men say. I also think parents need to raise their sons to have more respect for women. By instilling respect at a young age we will have less men trying to use the sexual blackmail idea to dominate their significant others.
I discussed this topic with my wife and she agrees with me in that the way women are treated starts in the home. Some of the things that she thought were: Women see how their fathers treat their mothers and how mothers treat their fathers. It has a huge impact on ultimately how women are treated by men and how women allow themselves to be treated by men. Dignity should be instilled in both young men and women. Morals are important. Church, whatever church you wish to attend instills valuable morals. And ultimately as parents, we should try to rear children, both girls and boys who respect their own sex as well as the opposite sex.
I very much agree with all of the points that my wife made above. I think also that we need to place a little less lame on society and the media for the relationship problems in our country and more on the parents. I understand that parenting is not an easy job, but I do feel that one requirement is to try and instill good values and morals and to respect everyone, especially women. If more parents taught this at home I really feel we would have stronger, smarter men and women in the world.
(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics:
(i) HOUSEWORK
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Wife is expected to complete all of the household chores, no exceptions |
2 The wife is criticized by her husband if she does not complete all household chores |
3 |
(ii) JEALOUSY
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 Husband and wife make the rules of the relationship together there may still be jealousy issues between them |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband controls his wife’s interactions with other men, also tries to make wife jealous on purpose |
2 Husband pressures wife to stay away from other men, may try to think of ways to keep wife away from other men |
3 |
(iii) SEX
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband manipulates wife so as to force her to have sex with him |
2 Wife submits to husbands sexual demands because she feel that she has to |
3 |
(c) Discuss what these data show or prove.
The data shown in the above chart demonstrates that there is an evolution that every couple goes through to attain the greatest stage in marriage, the unity model. It also shows that the dominance model, equity model, and unity model can be applied to all aspects of the marriage. It does not just mean how they treat one another, but how they implement how they feel about each other into daily activities such as housework and sex. It shows that the man must make a huge effort to elevate himself from the dominance model into the equity model. The husband has a harder time than the wife during this change because wives tend to already want to please their husbands and be an equal with him. Ultimately, if they evolve together and make a strong effort to be each other’s best friend they can acquire the unity model of marriage.
The Question I am answering is Question #11
(a) Create three dialogues between a husband and wife. Each dialog should represent one of the three models of marriage discussed in the Lecture Notes. Each dialog should contain at least 10 numbered talking turns by each of the two partners, and no more than 20 each. A talking turn can be as brief as a nod or grunt, and as long as several sentences. Preface each dialog with a paragraph explaining the context of the conversation and the topic.
Dialogue #1 (Dominance Model)
Elizabeth and Parker
Parker and Elizabeth are a married couple, who have been married for 8 years and have no children. Parker has his own contracting business, and Elizabeth is a dental hygienist. This conversation below occurs when Elizabeth gets home from a long day at the dental office. She finds her husband has been home since 2:00pm and finds the house is a mess and he had already cooked and eaten dinner without any leftovers. Elizabeth asks how his day was, what he has been up to all day, and if the load of laundry is in that she asked him to wash when he got home.
Elizabeth #1: Hey babe, how was your day?
Parker #1: (As he watches T.V.) What?
Elizabeth #2: Whatcha been up to all day?
Parker #2: What is that supposed to mean?
Elizabeth#3: Nothing, just what did you do today?
Parker #3: I worked. As I do every other day. What is with all of the questions, I am watching T.V. right now.
Elizabeth#4: Okay. I see you cooked hamburgers… any left?
Parker #4: Nope.
Elizabeth#5: Oh…that’s alright I’ll just eat a T.V. dinner. Did you happen to throw in that load of laundry in that I left by the washer…I wore my last pair of scrubs today.
Parker#5: Nope, I was tired when I got home.
Elizabeth #6: Oh, well I did tell you that I needed your help with that because I was running late this morning and I knew I would have a full day of patients and I have to leave extra early tomorrow…
Parker#6: Well you should have thought about that yesterday then. It isn’t my job to do your laundry.
Elizabeth #7: I know it’s not your job, but I just thought you could help…
Parker#7: Well, I think I help a lot when I go to work everyday and bring home a nice paycheck after a big job. I think I help a lot when you get to buy those nice shoes and bags that you want. I do my job, now you need to do yours.
Elizabeth #8: I appreciate those things, but I work too, sometimes six days a week and you don’t have to work everyday and I’m tired…
Parker #8: What do you mean I don’t work everyday…and you call your job a job…you clean teeth! (He stands up from the couch and glares at her)
Elizabeth #9: Oh goodness…never mind, I’ll go do the laundry.
Parker#9: YOUR laundry! Bring me back a beer from the garage refrigerator; we’re all out in here.
Elizabeth#10: Okay…
Parker #10: See isn’t that easier…just do what I ask and this ship will sail smoothly.
Dialogue #2 (Equity Model)
Kara and Joseph
This conversation takes place on a Thursday evening both Kara and Joseph have just gotten home from work. Kara does not feel like cooking a whole meal by herself because she had along day and there is still laundry to do. She asks her husband for help in the kitchen so dinner can be prepared more quickly and she can get to the other chores she likes to get done before going to bed. Joseph although he is not happy about helping because he is tired he ultimately submits to helping her with dinner.
Kara #1: Hey hun, did you just get home?
Joseph #1:(sigh), Yeah I just walked in.
Kara #2: You look tired…did you have a hard day? Mine was chaotic today, usually the chaos has subsided by Thursdays.
Joseph #2: Yeah, I just want to relax. What’s for dinner?
Kara #3: Well I was thinking we could make spaghetti and a salad and some garlic bread. Would you mind helping me?
Joseph #3: Yeah, I’ll be in in a little bit.
Kara #4: Okay.
Kara #5: (ten minutes have passed) Babe, can you come help with the salad now?
Joseph #5: Yeah I’ll be in as soon as the commercial comes on…
Kara #5: …I really need your help now, if you could just make the salad that would really help.
Joseph #6: Okay, I’m coming. (walks up with a pouty face and sighs)
Kara #6: Thanks babe, I know you’re tired.
Joseph #7: I am, you’re probably tired though too…but since I am helping can I get a neck massage later?
Kara #7: A neck massage for making a salad?
Joseph #8: Well, there are probably plenty of husbands who wouldn’t even get off the couch to help, and since I am not one of those husbands I think I deserve a little reward.
Kara #8: Your reward is that you have any dinner at all…(giggles)
Joseph #9: I suppose you have a good point.
Kara #9: I know I do…there might be a bunch of wives who don’t even think about making dinner instead they just order pizza.
Joseph #10: At least the pizza is sure to taste good…(pokes her and laughs)
Kara #10: You can call Domino’s if you like…(slightly snidely)
Dialogue #3 (Unity Model)
Mark and Mary
Mark and Mary are in their sixties and all of their children have grown up and gone on to marry. Mark and Mary have been married for 29 years and have reached the unity model of marriage. They enjoy being with each other and like the other’s companionship. They often tell each other they love the other and express it in actions. This conversation takes place on a Saturday morning. They are trying to decide what to do for their upcoming 30th year anniversary. She wants to have a big party while Mark would prefer to take a road trip cross country. This could cause for an argument, but not Mark and Mary they have learned through the years to respect each other and Mark knows to listen to things important to Mary. Mark is able to see that Mary has inner wisdom and he values her thoughts and opinions especially when it comes to her opinions on the celebration of their beautiful marriage. In the end Mark decides to have a big party for Mary. Mary responds by saying lets take a road trip around Thanksgiving?
Mary #1: So dear, I have been thinking…
Mark #1: What have you been wrapping you pretty little head around?
Mary #2: Well, as you know 30 years is coming up and I was hoping to have a big, well semi-big party with our friends and family.
Mark #2: Hmmm, well I thought we had discussed taking the RV cross country. We’ve always wanted to do that just the two of us.
Mary #3: Yes, we did talk about that but I thought it would be nice to have the kids come in from Florida and help celebrate. I miss them sp much ever since they moved.
Mark #3: Well what about taking the RV down to Florida and we can have a party down there?
Mary #4: That sounds nice, but we wouldn’t be able to have all of our friends take part in our celebration. You know George and Beverly would want to come, I mean we’ve known them since before we were married.
Mark #4: You’ve got a good point. How big of a party were you thinking?
Mary #5: Oh, about 60 people give or take a few.
Mark #5: Is that all, here I am thinking when you said a “big” party you were gonna invite the whole town.
Mary #6: Don’t be silly! I just want the people who are most important there. The kids, our friends, a few people from church…
Mark #6: Okay, that actually sounds fun. And we haven’t seen George and Bev in a few months since they moved up to Cincinnati; it’ll be nice to catch up.
Mary #7: I was thinking we could have the party in the backyard, get a small band and maybe have Betsy’s cater it.
Mark #7: Oooh, I love Betsy’s, the Cajun food there is so tasty…
Mary #8: I know that’s why I picked it!
Mark #8: Maybe we should eat dinner there tonight as a matter of fact. If Betsy is in we can talk to her about it, because the date is coming up quick.
Mary #9: Oh honey, that sounds great! I’ll go make reservations.
Mark #9: Okay…hey sweetheart did you still need me to take the trash out.
Mary #10: No, I already took it out…it was a light one so I didn’t want to bother you with it…Hey Honey, what about taking the RV down to Florida around Thanksgiving so we can take that road trip and share the holiday with the kids?
Mark #10: You always know how to make everything work out for both of us dontcha? I think that sounds great.
(b) Analyze and contrast the dialogues to show how they each illustrate one of the models. Focus on the threefold self (this is a requirement). Use the entire ennead chart, or parts thereof, to discuss and contrast the dialog segments you analyze.
Dialogue #1
In the first dialogue, Parker and Elizabeth are very obviously in the dominance model of marriage. They are clearly in the sensorimotor conjunction phase. “In this phase the man often takes the lead and exerts a dominant role. The woman follows in order to keep the relationship going. Her motive is higher than the man's. His motive is to please himself; her motive is to continue the relationship going to a deeper level.” The dialogue between Parker and Elizabeth shows her being obedient and accepting societal sanctioned abuse. Parker is not trying to connect with his wife on any level other than sensorimotor; he does not even want to get off of the couch to get himself a beer. He demands this of her instead. This reiterates the fact that, “His focus is then on himself, not his wife.”
Parker is a prime example of a male trying to dominate his wife. Parker’s actions very clearly place him in Zone 1, 2, and 3. Parker obviously knows he has control over his wife and does not take steps to form an equal partnership but instead manipulates her to stay submissive.
Dialogue #2
In this second dialogue, Kara and Joseph’s communication style is much friendlier and seems more equal. Initially they seem to be on the same plane with one another. It would appear as though they are in the equity model of marriage. The equity model basically means that the two spouses are more equal in the relationship, there is no clear dominant spouse but, the husband’s intentions are still based on him trying to get what he wants or a “favor” in return. It may mean that he will do something if he gets something in return. Joseph manifests this concept when he asks for a massage for helping Kara in the kitchen. Kara tries to lightly brush it off but Jospeh jokingly, but seriously feels that he deserves a massage. Joseph, at this stage he is still thinking about himself and not exactly of Kara’s feelings or emotions.
Dialogue #3
Mark and Mary have obviously reached the highest level of marriage – the Unity Model. Mark is an obvious supporter of his wife’s thoughts, feelings, emotions and needs. And not only is he aware of them he encourages them. His actions show that he wants her to be happy and is willing to give up what he may want to please her. They are clearly best friends and they want to spend time together. Mark and Mary are a prime example of being in the Unity Model (zones 7, 8, and 9) in the ennead chart. They seem to be operating mostly in zone 9 where they automatically being empathetic towards the other and doing things that are not agreeable but beneficial to the relationship.
Mary also shows her respect for Mark’s feelings and wants by telling him that it might be nice to take the RV trip he wanted around Thanksgiving. This gives a clear picture that she respects the fact that he supports her decisions and she is willing to also make him happy by doing something that is important to him. This couple is what every couple should strive to be. It is a relationship full of respect and ultimately it is a relationship of two best friends.
The Question I am answering is Question #13
(a) Describe the Web presence of Schlessinger, Tannen, Coleman, and Swedenborg. What does one find when looking them up with Google?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
When I “Googled” Laura Schelssinger, the first website that pops up is, of course, her own – Dr Laura.com. There is also a link for books by Dr. Laura and has a brief listing of the books available. The next website is Wikipedia that has a mention of her in this free online encyclopedia. One website I found interesting was a really “dark” website called, Stop Dr. Laura. It is a gay and lesbian website that made it a mission to have Paramount Television cancel her television show and take it off the air. I guess it worked. There are other sites that have excerpts from her books, or links to purchase her books as well as sites that favor her opinion.
Deborah Tannen
Deborah Tannen seems to have a far less obvious presence on the web and a less impressive one. She has a small website that is linked through Georgetown University but it is very limited in what it offers. The rest of the web links that pulled up under my search mostly were excerpts from her books and a few links where you could purchase them. I didn’t come across any that had negative things to say but her work is far different than that of Dr. Laura.
Joshua Coleman
Joshua Coleman had what seems to me only one website that was directly related to him. I did do a search under just his name, not the title of his book which may have had more relative hits. But the website that was first listed was his own, JoshuaColeman.net. It is a link to his personal website where his books are discussed, you can contact him and sign up for newsletters. This site although fairly basic has some good information about Joshua Coleman.
Swedenborg
When I searched for “Swedenborg” I was very surprised to find that this search by far had the most directly relative websites. There was Swedenborg.com and links to numerous religious organizations that follow the beliefs of Swedenborg. There were biographies about Swedenborg, a link to the Swedenborg Association in Australia and numerous other countries. I found other links to online magazines that had The Writings in them.
(b) What do people say about them?
Dr. Laura Schelssinger
It seems like it is kind of a mixed bag on the opinions of Dr. Laura. There are a lot of conservative people out there who like her traditional views on marriage and support her theories. However, just based on the simple search I did you can also see that there is quite a bit of opposition to her beliefs, one of them being the Stop Dr. Laura website. I did not find many other websites of the same nature but reviews and articles showed that there are people who wish that Dr. Laura did not have such a loud voice that is heard by many.
Deborah Tannen
There was no real discussion that I could find that talked about Deborah Tannen or Joshua Coleman directly. There were only a few websites to begin with and none of them had any personal thoughts or opinions on Deborah Tannen or her works. The most that I could find were some comments and reviews on her books at Amazon.com. Most of these reviews that I read were favorable saying that her book was fascinating or a must-read.
Joshua Coleman
I actually did not come across any public opinion about Joshua Coleman (the author). There were many other Joshua Colemans that pulled up but none were about this particular author.
Swedenborg
This search came back with many links to many different types of websites but none that I could find had a real discussion about the concept of Swedenborg. Most of the websites were more informational and did not have the opinions of any one person. I probably could have further my search and found something like a chat room or message board but after a few attempts I came back with nothing.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
Dr. Laura Schelssinger
I would say that Dr. Laura definitely seems to have people out there that have an influence over her objectives. With the above mentioned Stop Dr. Laura.com website they were able to take her television program off the air. But the feelings of Dr. Laura are not hers alone, many Christian folk and those who are Republican carry the same views. So any disgust with Dr. Laura could be given to Christians or Republicans alike.
Deborah Tannen
I think that even though Deborah Tannen’s web presence was minimal she probably has a fairly large impact on the students she teaches and the people to whom she gives presentations or speeches. Sometimes this influence can more heavy than having a few extra links associated with your name on the web.
Joshua Coleman
My thoughts are that overall he probably does not have a huge impact or influence on people. However, I do not know how many books he has sold or how many clients he has helped in office or over the internet. These things could dramatically change my opinion. If I were to make a judgment solely on his presence on the web I would say he does not have much influence.
Swedenborg
I think that Swedenborg does have influence just because of the huge web presence. I think because it revolves around religion more people are attracted to it and perhaps more easily affected by it. It seems to me that there are probably a lot of people out there who believe in the teachings of Swedenborg and are thus affected by it daily.
(d) Are they popular?
Dr. Laura Schelssinger
I think that Dr. Laura’s website was second in popularity only to Swedenborg and the other two authors came in a distant third and fourth, and in no particular order. I still believe that Dr. Laura is popular because the word popular does not necessarily mean liked. There are a lot of people who know Dr. Laura, and I would say overall there are more people who know about her more than any of the other authors and Swedenborg.
Deborah Tannen
I do not think that Deborah Tannen is hugely popular, just based on her web presence. She may be more popular in different parts of the country and perhaps at Georgetown. But in comparison to the others mentioned here she does not seem to be that popular.
Joshua Coleman
I feel that Joshua Coleman’s popularity resembles that of Deborah Tannen. There is not a large web presence, not one at all really. Hi presence s basic which leads me to believe he is only popular perhaps amongst other therapists in his field or people in hi area seeking his help.
Swedenborg
I think that Swedenborg is very popular. Like I mentioned before, I had never heard of him before but the overwhelming amount of websites dedicated to him leads me to believe that Swedenborg is quite popular. I also thought that it might be something that is accepted more so overseas than in America. We tend to be Christian to the “T” and I am not sure how Swedenborg would fit into the average American religious view.
(e) How do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?
Dr. Laura Schelssinger
I was aware of Dr. Laura prior to taking this class. I have heard on the radio many times and having come from a conservative home I was familiar with her thoughts on men, women, the family and the home. I knew that there was some debate on her views on marriage but I did not know that there were organizations trying to “stop” her from furthering her “agenda.” Although I do not believe in everything she says there is some value to her work. It gives a different perspective to the relationships between men and women and at least we can learn from her advice.
Deborah Tannen
I expected to see a little more of a web presence for Deborah Tannen. I thought that by her being a professor at Georgetown she would have more links to article or papers she had written. But I mostly came across really brief summations of some of her works or her homepage at the University.
Joshua Coleman
I felt that the web presence for Joshua Coleman was what I had expected. Just based on the book we read and after viewing his website and the other books he has written his message or opinion is not controversial it is more self-help related. And his views seem to be pretty main stream. So I was not surprised to find no opposition and no real website presence at all.
Swedenborg
I was most surprised by the overwhelming presence of Swedenborg on the website. Prior to taking this class I had never even heard of the name and had never done a Google search for Swedenborg. Dr. Laura was the only individual who I knew anything about so I thought her presence would most substantial. I am not surprised however, that a topic like Swedenborg is so popular because many people are religious or actively seeking a religion and this might be something that someone would be interested in.
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
Dr. Laura Schelssinger
I briefly discussed Dr. Laura with my wife and she has similar views to me. She agrees with some of the material that Dr. Laura theorizes and as with many things there are views that she disagrees with. She can see how the gay and lesbian population could want to stop Dr. Laura but there are also many who strongly believe in her heavily conservative opinions. My wife too came from a conservative household and many of the views Dr. Laura expresses she is familiar with.
Deborah Tannen
My wife took it upon her self to read a bit if Deborah Tannen’s book, Gender & Discourse and she felt confused by it. She thought that there were some good points about how men and women interact with each other but the chapter she read was probably one of the more confusing ones. She thought that the book would perhaps be more interesting to those studying similar theories.
Joshua Coleman
My wife said that she had never heard of Joshua Coleman and neither had my father. I briefly described some points from his book, The Lazy Husband and my wife agreed with everything that I mentioned to her. The values and lifestyles that Coleman endorses are nothing beneficial to the married couple. I mentioned the section on how childhoods affect both people within the marriage to her and she thought that was a very good point especially the point about there being four people in a marriage the two adults and the two children.
Swedenborg
My wife read quite a bit of the lecture notes on Swedenborg and glanced at some of the websites about the Writings online. She was not convinced at all. She thought it was a very interesting theory but could not take the teachings as truth. She said she had never heard of Swedenborg before I started taking the class but she thought that that did not necessarily mean that there were not a lot of followers of Swedenborg. She did acknowledge that some of the principles (Unity Model, AUVs…) were good and relevant whether or not you believed the Writings about Swedenborg himself.
My Report on the Previous Generation
Generation 22
Hiroko answers the first question about how a seemingly happy couple gets into a huge fight and is asked how couples can avoid future fights. Hiroko gives a very good, detailed answer to this question. The question asks Hiroko to consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes and to create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself. I think that this question is posed to every generation because I have seen this question numerous times all with very similar answers. The items Hiroko came up with very also very good. The next section asks Hiroko to consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, regarding AUVs. She analyzed three television series, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Family Guy. Her reporting on this was very simple to read and very clear. The lay out was clear and concise. I also thought that her analysis was very good and well though out.
The section where Hiroko is asked to report on six different student reports from prior generations is well done. It thought it was given a lot of thought and was by far some of the longest, most in depth answers out of all of the reports that I read. I thought, again the layout was important in being able to keep the reader on the right path. Even though the answers were long it was clear what question was being answered. The last question Hiroko answered was regarding Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple. The examples given were very good and the charts were simple and to the point.
The very last section, as in all student reports dealt with discussing prior generations’ reports and giving advice to future generations. Her advice was exactly the same as mine, “Start Early!!!” I think there is no better advice that can be given for this class.
Generation 23
“My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage” by Cloe Bernstein
The first section Cloe contrasts the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband, and James in The Unity Model of Marriage. I think se did a good job a comparing and also analyzing all four and she had a lot of good opinions as well. The second section as with many of the other reports asks Cloe to answer how a couple can avoid a huge fight over what seems to be nothing and relate her answer to the threefold self model, the unity model and the conjoint self.
The next portion of her report deals with Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, the explanation of "sexual blackmail" and then she relates the unity model to housework, jealousy and sex. She used the same topics that I did and she did a good job with her examples. In the next section Cloe is asked to consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes and select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. Her three shows that she analyzed were The O.C., Desperate Housewives, and Grey’s Anatomy. She then described the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions.
One of the last portions of her report asked her to “Google” the authors whose books she read and explain their web presence, their influence and her opinion on what she found. She also was asked to report on students’ reports from the previous generation and give advice to future generations.
My Advice to Future Generations
The advice I have to give to future generations is to get started right away. This class does have a lot of reading and writing so it is best not to procrastinate. The information may also be completely unfamiliar to you. It may also seem completely outrageous. What you have to keep in mind is that you are not asked to believe the material only to understand it. Once you get past your own biases the material becomes interesting. It is important to try and do any outlines that you have to do right away. It can be difficult to prepare an outline if you read the material three weeks prior. It will result in you having to re-read the material and it will take up more of your time. Lastly, I would say to go to class everyday, the little attendance points help your grade by just being there and the presentations help in doing your outlines and parts of you reports. You will definitely have learned something in this class even if you do not believe in the material.
Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm
My Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lagondino/lagondino-home.htm