PSY 409B, April 26, 2006
Outline #5 – Childhood Revisited
By: Anthony Lagondino
The Lazy Husband by Joshua Coleman Ph.D. (St. Martin’s Press, 2005), pages 100-111
Instructions
for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
I. Marriages are influenced by the childhoods each spouse had while growing up
a. Understanding your childhood is crucial to your well being and getting the husband to do more
b. Our ability to communicate is heavily influenced by what we observed and how we were treated when we were young
c. Strength and affection can be affected by our childhoods as well
i. Ideal to have balance of both strength and affection
ii. Realistically one usually suffers from having too little or too much
II. Men and women have been socialized in very different ways
a. Women are socialized to be more empathetic and understanding
i. More likely to err on the side of giving in than standing firm
ii. Also more likely to get walked on and ignored
b. Men are socialized to be self-interested
i. Commonly need to work on being more sensitive and accommodating
ii. Less likely to need to be more assertive
III. We often look at our parent’s relationship and identify with one parent more than the other
a. A husband may identify with their mother more and a wife may identify more with her father
i. This may result in a wife being timid because her mother was treated poorly by her father
ii. Or a wife may vow not to be like her mother and ultimately become her father
b. Critical parents can make a child too critical of others or too intimidated by them
i. Enslavement to fear of criticism restricts freedom
ii. Need to learn to tolerate others’ judgments and to know you have a right to be happy
IV. Women have been socialized to believe they are supposed to give more in life than receive
a. Reinforcement of this belief may have arisen because one was raised in a home where the parents reinforced it
b. If raised in a home with needy, self-centered or depressed parent(s) the child may believe that others’ needs are more important than their own
i. More likely to feel excessive guilt
ii. More likely to feel obligated to be sensitive to others’ feelings
1. While compromising their own well-being and happiness
2. Ultimately these feelings are brought into their marriage
V. Questions to consider how your childhood could be affecting your marriage and bargaining power
a. How did your mother treat your father and how did your father treat your mother?
i. Affectionate, Unaffectionate, Involved, Uninvolved?
b. In what ways are you similar to your mother and/or your father?
c. What were your mother’s strengths and weaknesses? Your father’s?
d. What might you conclude about how men should be treated on the basis of observing your mother and how women should be treated on the basis of observing your father?
e. How did your mother and father treat you?
f. What might have you concluded about what you deserve in life on the basis of your mother’s and father’s treatment of you?
Related Links:
http://www.marriagequest.org/effective.html - This link takes you to an article, “Becoming a More Affective Father” written by Israel Helfand, M.S., Ph.D. The article initially talks about the fear that some fathers have with respect to becoming a father. It also discusses what to expect, how you might feel, and the importance of spending time with your children. There is a very key point that is also made, “It is important for us to address our issues with our own fathers and come to terms with the struggles of our own childhoods. Our training to be a father begins as a child being fathered by our own fathers, or surrogate fathers.” I think this sums up the chapter in Joshua Coleman’s book entitled, Childhood Revisited.
http://www.biblicalperspectives.com/books/marriage/1.html - This link takes you to the study entitled, THE MARRIAGE COVENANT: A BIBLICAL STUDY ON MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, AND REMARRIAGE, Chapter 1, THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE by Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D. There is a part that discusses what a husband and wife must do to form a healthy marriage and that is “leaving.” Leaving our parents, our friends, our hobbies – not cut out or cut ties but more cut back to focus on the marriage. And there is a part that states, “Perhaps the most difficult things to leave behind are the inner wounds and hurts of our childhoods. We come to our marriages with the good and bad emotional experiences of the first two decades of our lives. Through the healing power of the Holy Spirit, we can be delivered from the past wounds that can infect our marital relationships.” I think this also supplements the thoughts of Joshua Coleman quite well.
http://www.couples-place.com/articles_advice/articles_list.asp?Key=childhood – This link takes you to a homepage entitled, Marriage Support.com – It has articles for purchase on hundreds of topics related to marriage. This particular link has articles (brief synopses) about the effects childhood has on marriage. An interesting point brought up is to welcome the inner child because it is very present in our lives and to realize that in a marriage there are four people, two adults, and two children interacting. These articles may have some with slightly different views about how childhood affects our marriages but nonetheless they are interesting and insightful.
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lagondino/lagondino-home.htm
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm