Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Bao Mien Lau
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 4, 6, 10, 11, 13.
The Question I am answering is Question 4:
(a)
Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21,
22, and 23, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
(c) Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what each student did and said –
(i)
their ideas,
(ii) their method,
(iii) their explanations.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
G20: Shortcake http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report2.htm
Generation 20 was asked to map the Threefold Self in Gender Relationships. The purpose of her report was to examine the threefold-self in-dept. This generation was lucky enough to have a guest lecturer because Shortcake said that it helped her to understand the True/Whole/Complete Human in which Swedenborg referred to.
i. Ideas
To examine the three-fold self, Shortcake observed her relationship with her husband according the three areas. Shortcake felt that she had to understand herself before she really was able to write her report. What I notice about Shortcake’s report was that it was different from the way the future generations report. The charts and lecture notes look very different and I assume it was due to Dr. James revising and editing it.
ii. Method
Shortcake was required to do an experiment. She chose to examine her relationship with her husband. Shortcake felt that her husband would be opened minded and able to consider this Unity model in order to give her some feedback.
iii. Explanation
Shortcake started first to discuss these ideas during the nightly walks that she and her husband takes. They usually discuss the events of the day and their problems during these walks. She started by discussing her project for this class by explaining the report she had to do. He responded by being a bit surprised, but at the same time not. He assumed that because she was a psychology major, that was what she always did. Shortcake further explained about the Unity Model of Marriage.
The next part of her experiment required the gathering of data to answer the sensorimotor section of the report. Shortcake chose to use the questions in the lecture notes as a guide for her report. These questions were who gets to: hold the remote, choose a movie, choose the restaurant, and lastly, how much influence they both have in regards to appearance.
From Shortcakes answers, I felt that their relationship was closer to an equity relationship. I feel this way because they both consult each most of the time before making decisions. There seems to be very minimal conflict between the couple, but yet they both have not reached the unity model yet. Although unity couples are suppose to rely on each other for their thoughts, feelings, and opinions, it seems that they are not doing it in a unity fashion. Each person at a moment in their relationship gets to make a decision and therefore their relationship still resembles equity.
Another part of her report dealt with examining the cognitive self. For this section, she paid attention to questions such as: how they see each other’s dominance or control motivations, what they both seriously disagree about, and how much they influence each other intellectually,
From these answers pertaining to the cognitive self, I feel that Shortcake has a good understanding of their relationship. She felt that there weren’t too many areas in which they had disagreements about. Shortcake felt that when there were any disagreements, she knew the reasons behind it. At the same time, she realizes that her husband is very forgiving and patient man. She appreciates that very much.
Lastly, Shortcake examines the affective self. To answer this question, she examined how motivated they were in: remembering special dates, putting their partner ahead of themselves, and how committed they were to creating a unity relationship.
Shortcake’s husband seems to be in tune to his wife. When he knows she’s had a bad day, he will do things such as getting her flowers or a card to make her feel better. When they were dating, they both did some traveling in order to be with each other. Finally, she does not really address the commitment to unity. Shortcake discusses the equality in their relationship. She feels that there are unsaid rules that they follow in order for the household and relationship to run smoothly.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
Shortcakes observations helped her to predict how her relationship would be. She felt that there was a lot of reciprocity in the relationship. Shortcake felt that these observations also help to strengthen the bond between them. She hopes by learning these things, she and her husband will have conjugial love that will last for eternity.
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
After reading Shortcake’s report, I feel that her ideas have not really influenced me. I only feel that she has been able to understand their relationship as a couple. Lastly, she also could see things in their relationship that may need improvement.
G21: Corpuz http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/corpuz/409b-g21-report2.htm
I choose Mark Corpuz’s report from Generation 21. I noticed a change in the way the report was written. This generation was required to answer a few questions instead of examining a few elements of the Unity Model of Marriage.
Corpuz answered Questions 2, 5, 6, 9, and 13.
(i) Their Ideas
Corpuz was require to answer five questions instead of an experiment like Shortcake did. I felt that except for his first question, he was able to understand the Unity Model of Marriage. He put his own ideas into his report, but mostly used Dr. James lecture notes to refer to.
(ii) Their Method
I felt that Corpuz could have done more to his report. He did not answer his first question, but sufficiently worked on all of the other questions. For the rest of the question that he did answer, he did a thorough job according to the required elements of the question.
(iii) Their Explanations.
The first question Corpuz was required to answer was Question 2, but he did not answer this question.
The second question he answered was Question 5. This required him to review six students’ report from Generation 20. Corpuz took into consideration the ideas from each of the students, but make sure to express his own thoughts and feelings about the report. He also critiqued the organization and clarity of each report.
For Corpuz’s third question, Question 6, he was required to analyze a table in regards to making his own field observations. He was able to explain sufficiently what the idea of this question and chart was. An explanation of the three models of marriage was also presented. He then created his own table and calculate a percentage overlap. Corpuz felt that this chart would help couples in their relationship.
Question 9 asked Corpuz to create ennead tables using certain concepts and to specify details in relation to himself, or a couple he knows in real life or on television.
Lastly, Corpuz answered Question 13. He was asked to create three dialogues between a husband and wife according to one of the models of marriage discussed in the lecture notes. For each dialogue, he had to analyze it to the threefold self. Corpuz created dialogues similar to mine. He used the same couple and modified it according to one of the models, dominance, equity, or unity. He also analyzed certain interactions between the husband and wife for each model.
At first I thought his dialogue for unity was unrealistic. As I read it again, I realized that my relationship is similar to that dialogue. It was only different in the last of his lines in which the couple states that “we are one and we will be together forever!” I thought this was unrealistic. For my relationship, we usually say, “I hope we stay together for ever!” I realize that this word “hope” shows that we may not believe in the afterlife.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
Corpuz felt that taking this course in marriage can help a person to understand the type of relationship a person is in. In addition, a couple who studies this model of marriage may strive for some sort of goal, I would assume unity, in their relationship. Corpuz felt that although this course was difficult, he gained knowledge from it.
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
I also did not feel that I really gained anything from Corpuz’s report. I feel that I was able to understand another person’s view of the Marriage model. I feel that I have a different understanding of this marriage model.
G22: Kwan http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm
I chose Jenny Kwan’s Report 2 for Generation 22. She was also required to answer five questions as the previous generation did. Kwan chose to answer Questions 3, 6, 7, 12, and 14.
(i) Their ideas
Kwan agreed with the Unity Model of Marriage and compared her own relationship to this model. In her report, she states that she feels her current relationship was in the equity model.
(ii) Their method
Jenny Kwan’s Report 2 was very organized and well thought out. Each question was thoroughly answered according to each element required. Kwan also contributed her own thoughts and ideas which was very beneficial to read. At times, I felt that Kwan’s true feelings were in doubt. Although she stated her agreement towards the Unity Model, she discusses her lack of religion and how difficult it would be for men to actually accomplish the goal of unity.
(iii) Their explanations.
For her first question, Question 3, she discussed a situation between a married couple that seems to be good on the outside, but internally is not. Kwan was required to discuss the situation in relation to the lecture notes and the threefold self.
Kwan felt that this couple is in a constant battle of his and her rights in the relationship. She feels that they may seem to be in unity at some points, but during fights they are not a true unity couple. Kwan goes on to explain how a couple can be unity, equity, or dominant within the threefold self: sensorimotor, affective, and cognitive. Although the couple in question is in some type of unity, they are not entirely in unity. In order for this couple to achieve full fledge unity, they must be unity within all aspects of the threefold self. In order for this couple to reach Unity, the husband must allow his wife’s inner wisdom to guide their relationship and his own intelligence.
According to Kwan, this couple must commit to achieving unity in order for the relationship to not go through this flip flop cycle. The husband must willingly conjoin himself to his wife eternally in order for the relationship to be successful.
Kwan feels that when a couple has reached the unity model, the threefold self will also be in unity as well. They will enjoy every activity they do on a sensorimotor level. On a cognitive unity level, the couple understands each other thoughts, opinions, and justifications. The husband especially will better understand what his wife wants and thinks. On the affective level, the husband will be aware of his and his wife’s feeling. He will strive to have the same feelings as his wife’s. Other expectations of the husband are to love his wife, provide for her needs, and to be loyal to her.
Question 6 asked Kwan to explain Table 6. Kwan did this by showing the different behaviors in relation to how it fits the dominance, equity, or unity model. She also gave an explanation of the three models of marriage.
Lastly, for this question, Kwan discussed what her results showed. She felt that the percentage overlap for each model was different from another model and this illustrated how similar or different each model is to another. Kwan feels that by analyzing this table and the percentage overlap, it can help couples to be more aware of their interaction patterns.
Kwan believes that it is important for couples to be more aware of their interactions in order to move up the levels on the table. She also feels that couples who accept the unity model will be able to appreciate each other and will have a deeper sense of love for one another.
Another question Kwan answered was Question 7. This question asked her to analyze the book, the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Schlessinger. She picked ten quotes from the book and analyzed it through the threefold self.
Kwan felt that the purpose of Dr. Schlessinger’s book was to teach husband’s and wives their responsibilities in a marriage. This book contains her ideas on what is needed in order to have a relatively happy marriage. Kwan uses the word traditional to describe Dr. Schlessinger, I feel that this translates into the dominance model. Dr. Schlessinger feels that it is the woman’s responsibility to change for her husband and that this is what will make the marriage good.
Kwan analyzed ten quotes written by men in Dr. Schlessinger’s book. What Kwan noticed was that: (1) Contrary to the Unity Model, women are suppose to give sex to their husband because he deserves it. (2) Men feel the need to need to be acknowledged as the bread winner. (3) Men need to change their way of thinking, otherwise the relationship will not reach unity. (4) Men think women are nags, when in actuality they are not. (5) A couple can reach unity if they strive to make each other happy. (6) Men do not attempt to understand a women’s way of thinking.
Kwan does not agree with Dr. Schlessinger’s way of thinking because it is very one sided. Kwan feels that the relationship should be equal. There was not one idea that Kwan agreed with in the book and she had a hard time reading the book.
Question 12 required Kwan to consider Anti-Unity Values in the media. For this question, she chose Friends, and two Korean dramas: I’m sorry I Loved You and Full House.
For the show Friends, she analyzed Chandler and Monica’s secret relationship. Their relationship is secret and none of their friends know they are dating. Monica gets set up on a blind date, but did not agree to the date yet. When Chandler finds out about the date he gets upset and says out of anger that maybe they should date other people. To make Chandler jealous, Monica agrees to go on the date.
In another episode, another couple, Ross and Rachel get into a fight. Rachel decides to take a break from their relationship. This causes Ross to become depressed and goes to a bar for drinks. There he meets another woman and ends up sleeping with her. As soon as Rachel finds out, their relationship is over.
In the first Korean drama, I’m sorry I Love You, there are many anti-unity values between a couple Eun-Chae (male) and Moo-Hyun (female). Eun-Chae has a need for revenge towards his mother. He planned to retaliate by seducing his half-brother’s girlfriend. Eun-Chae’s revenge is more important than his love for Moo-Hyun. He deceives her till the end.
In the second Korean drama, Full House, Kwan noticed many anti-unity values. First, the unmarried characters life together. Ji-Eun (female) was the housekeeper of Young-Jae (male). Young-Jae was not very nice to Ji-Eun, he made her do all the chores in the house and cook dinner for him. He often called her his rice-cooker and demanded food when he was hungry. Although Young-Jae knew he was mean to her, he did not feel obligated to apologize. It was not until she leaves, that he realized he loved her. Kwan believes that it is because of Young-Jae
After examining these television shows, Kwan explained other aspects of these shows by discussing the threefold self. Kwan was also required to explain her reactions to her observations. She realized that it was impossible to find characters who are in true unity of their threefold self. Kwan goes on to say that it is because of modernization, most couples are in the equity model of marriage.
Lastly, Kwan answered Question 14 which required her to describe the Unity Model in relation to the external significance of marriage and the mental state of the couple’s threefold self. Kwan mentions how a unity marriage is the highest state in a couple’s relationship and that a man must take responsibility in order for unity to be reached.
Kwan believes that unity sounds perfect, but the only thing that stands in the way of unity is men. She feels that men like to dominate and that they do not want to consult their wife or girlfriend before acting upon anything. She feels that unity is the only way that a couple can truly be happy together.
Kwan also feels that religion stands in the way of understanding the Unity Model because a person must believe in the afterlife. Although she agrees with the Unity Model, I find that she does somewhat contradict what she feels because of the religion factor. Kwan also had to do report on the current generation. She examined Tiffany Lee, Michelle Ching, and Tawny Antonio from her own generation.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
Kwan agreed with the Unity Model of Marriage. As stated earlier, I feel that although Kwan agrees with the Unity Model, she still is hesitant in accepting it. She gained a lot of insight into her own relationship, but has doubts on whether she and her boyfriend will be able to achieve unity. I feel that Kwan gained another way to understand relationships by doing this report.
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
I still feel that no one can really influence how I feel about the issue of Unity, Marriage, and Relationships. On another note, by reading other peoples report, I am able to understand the Unity Model of Marriage better and to see another person’s point of view.
Generation 23: Neil Tsukiyama http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/tsukiyama/tsukiyama-409b-g23report2.doc
The first report I chose from Generation 23 was from Neil Tsukiyama. He answered questions 2, 3, 11, 7, and 14.
(i)
Their ideas,
Neil used his own ideas as well as
the idea’s from the Unity Model of Marriage to complete his question. Neil agreed
with the Unity Model of Marriage on all of the questions.
(ii) Their method
I
felt that Neil worked very hard to get his ideas out, but at sometimes was
careless in his typing. Neil used the positive bias so that he could better
understand this model of marriage better.
(iii) Their explanations.
Question 2 required Neil to contrast the four views of gender relationship expressed in four readings: Gender Issues by Tannen, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Schlessinger, The Lazy Husband by Coleman, and The Unity Model of Marriage (Lecture Notes) by Dr. James.
Neil felt that all the readings were different and contrasted according to the Unity Model of Marriage. He liked the Lecture Notes written by Dr. James the most because it was the most interesting. Tannen’s book, Gender Issues appeared to be the equity model, but was really a hidden dominance model. As for Dr. Schlessinger’s book Neil felt that her ideas were also from the dominant model. The ideas of Dr. Schlessinger were strongly biased towards men because all problems or disagreements were the fault of the woman. The last book, The Lazy Husband was more equity because it held both men and woman responsible for problems in a relationship.
Neil created a table to explain a few examples of different ideas in relationship and contrasted the ideas visually. He used the threefold self to explain the relationship. Part of the threefold self is the sensorimotor, which controls actions, the affective, which controls emotions and feelings, and lastly, the cognitive which controls our thoughts. Neil feels that the reason this couple does not get along is because they are only basing each other’s actions on the surface, which is the sensorimotor. If the couple takes into consideration the affective and cognitive, them they may not fight as much.
Question 11 required Neil to consider the idea of sexual behavior. First Neil explained that sexual black mail is an idea that involves the use of sex in the dominance model. Sex is used as power and it is mostly the man using sex as power. Neil says that normally men want sex more than woman. Woman feel that they need to give sex to their men because they fear them leaving or having an affair.
Another question Neil answered was Question 14. This question asked him to describe the unity model in relation to the eternal significance of marriage and the mental state of the couple's threefold self. Neil also had to describe any resistance he felt while he considered the Unity Model.
Neil also had to describe to two friends the Unity Model. He chose his girlfriend and his roommate. His girlfriend felt that she liked it because it was more agreeable with women. His roommate felt that it was more like a female dominance model. The roommate thought the equity model was better. As for Neil’s opinion, he agreed with the unity model, but still felt as though it is natural that we question this marriage model
Lastly, he answered Question 7. He had to choose ten quotes from Dr. Schlessinger’s book and analyzes each one showing the character of the threefold self.
First, Neil felt the book was sexist, that it went against the unity model, and that it was fully dominance model. He felt that all Dr. Schlessinger wanted was for a woman to keep her man happy. Although Neil does analyze these quotes, he does not go beyond dominance, equity, and unity. He does not contrast it using the threefold self.
I found Neil’s report to be very interesting. I thought that he could have put more thought into his report. Most of the time, he does go into detail. Another suggestion I have was to have some one edit his paper to eliminate grammatical errors and typos. In general, I did enjoy reading his thoughts.
(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports?
I feel that Neil gained another perspective on relationships and marriage. At the same time, he mentions that a person must find the right partner in order to have the goal of unity.
(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
Again, I do not feel influenced by Neil’s idea on marriage or the unity model. I feel that my relationship has allowed me to be the happiest I can be and that I have found a person who loves me for my true self. Best of all, my boyfriend cares about my happiness, he says that it is the most important thing to him and that he strives everyday to make sure I am happy. I guess this is the real reason I do not feel influenced by anyone’s ideas. I am in a happy and great time in my life and would not change it for anything. I truly feel I have found my soul mate.
The Question I am answering is Question 6
(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women.
(b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.
(c) How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is your evaluation of it?
(a)
Dr. Laura perspective comes totally from the dominant model. She is trapped in lies that were told to her from a long time ago. It seems as if she cannot escape from this tradition and continues to preach to other women. To me, tradition translates into dominance. Tradition is when men are the ones who are expected to have a career, pay for the needs of the family, and to do maintenance of the house.
Back when women did not work, they were expected to be in “traditional” roles and become housewives, take care of the family, cook, clean, and provide her husband with sex. Now as times changed, women are still expected to have these same obligations and have a career. It is a double standard and Dr, Laura promotes this.
What is surprising about Dr. Laura is that she blames almost every problem on the female. Dr. Laura believes that men are simple creatures. I do not agree to this at all. If all women believe that men are simple, it’s as if women are dumbing men down and making excuses for them. I don’t think all men are simple and in fact, I feel that men are quite complicated. All the evidence is around us because there are so many books about the behaviors of men.
(b)
1. “Whatever happened to sweetness? If you act like a b*tch, you will be treat like a bi*ch. I ask my wife once if she wanted to do something, as she was being unusually nice. She angrily said to me, ‘I would never be nice to anyone to get them to do something for me. That is sucking up!’ So, what is the alternative? Treat them like Shi*? A man takes care of his woman and a woman should take care of her man! What a concept!” p.5
In regards to the above quote, the first thought that comes to my mind is equity. The husband is simply attempting to say that a person will get treated the same was as they act. In relation to the threefold self, this phase is related to the sensorimotor conjunction. The husband is exercising dominance towards the wife by choosing to have power over the situation of his wife being unusually nice. It is he who wants to think that she wants something in return. His wife is angry at the fact that her husband thinks this way about her.
My second thought deals with cognitive conjunction. At this level of interaction, the woman takes lead of the relationship and strives to take the man’s perspective. By the wife saying that she would never be nice to get them to do something for her, is an example of cognitive conjunction. We can assume that the wife has taken the time to learn her husband’s personality, but the husband has not taken the time to learn about his wife in the same manner.
The husband on the other hand, is focused on himself and his ideas. He is most pleased when his wife demonstrates her knowledge of these ideas. For instance, in this dialogue, the wife must have noticed something of the husband that made her to act extremely nice. The husband misinterpreted this as she was being nice in order to get something. This is the reason why his wife was angry at him.
2. “My wife feels that if she doesn’t remind me again and again, something won’t get done. But the fact is, it makes me feel like her child and that mommy needs to check up on me. It’s degrading. I want to be admired. I want to be acknowledged for being the breadwinner and making sure that we are all well taken care of. My greatest pleasure is when I feel like her hero. Like her ‘man’ Not her boy.” p.31
My first thought concerning this quote reminds me of two terms, Solidarity and Power. I feel that the husband is taking the wife’s concern wrong. He feels that she is exercising power over him by reminding him over and over again, but in fact this could be solidarity. She could realize that the husband forgets things and just wants to help out. If she helps in out then it solidifies their relationship.
In the sensorimotor aspect of the relationship, the activity of the relationship may depend on what the husband needs to do. Also, this could be the reason why she constantly reminds him to do something. At the same time, the husband is also exercising dominance over the wife by complaining about her actions. On a cognitive level, she may already understand how her husband is and such that he needs constant reminding in order to remember tasks that need to be done.
This complaint of the husband illustrates his need to be affectively independent. He wants to be the hero, be the “man” and not her child. He demonstrates this by maintaining his independence from her.
3. “Honey, it is part of your job as my wife to remind me of any duties I am not fulfilling, just as it is my job as a husband to remind you of your duties. You know I try my best, but if I don’t know what I’m not doing, how can I do it, much less do it right? There is a difference between complaining and informing, between criticizing and reminding.” p. 37
Again this above quote reminds me about equity. The husband plainly states that it is his job to remind her and her job to remind him of their duties. He does not understand his wife at all and according to this statement, he does not seem to want to understand her.
The wife feels that reminding her husband demonstrates her understanding of her husband’s ideas. The husband is right about one thing, the difference between complaining and informing. He does not realize that his wife is simply informing him, not complaining. Additionally, the wife is assumed to have a superior perception and understanding of their relationship (cognitive conjunction). This may be another reason why the wife would inform and remind the husband of how things need to be done.
If the husband gave up his affective independence, the relationship would go to another level. Both the husband and wife would be at their happiest in their union. In this case, the husband does not want give up his independence to learn from his wife. I’m sure his wife has shown him many times how to do something, but he still does not do it that way. If she is complaining about his actions, it is his fault for not knowing.
4. “I have always had superlative evaluations on my performance. AT HOME I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I sometimes spend several minutes in thought on a task at hand, trying to decide exactly what to do. After weighing in the pros and cons, I make a decision and act. Almost invariably I get, ‘Who put the ??? here?’ or sometimes I get a straight out ‘That’s stupid.’ Many times my wife weighs in on a narrowly defeated second or third option while trashing whatever I had selected. Explanations are not wanted, and if I point out that I have just been called stupid, an argument is more likely than an apology. It is something that wears you down like erosion.” p. 40
On a sensorimotor level, the husband is only paying attention to his performance from other people. He does not consider his wife’s opinion. Only his wife truly knows how his performance is. This husband is only assumes he knows how to do things where as the wife definitely knows. If the husband would take the time to ask his wife to show him how to do certain things, she would not scold him and they would not argue. The wife only wants the relationship to continue to a deeper level.
At the same time on a cognitive level, the wife is taking the lead in their relationship and this requires teaching him how to do certain tasks. She only scolds him because she totally understands who he is. The husband at this point is only focused on himself. This quote is a perfect example of cognitive conjunction because the man is only focused on himself and his ways of doing things.
On an affective level, the wife understands that they need to get past both the sensorimotor and cognitive aspects of their relationship. The Lecture notes are right about the affective level being more difficult to notice because for the other three previous notes, I had a hard time distinguishing the affective aspects of the relationship. In the above quote, it is obvious that the man has to align his feelings with his wife. He still keeps his affective independence instead of conjoining it with his wife.
5. “If I had to summarize, I’d say, please ladies, recognize that we men do love you, and although you may not think we do much around the house, we do the ugly stuff like change the oil and mow the lawn and get up early when it snows to shovel a path to your car and start the car so it will be warm when you get it. We would walk through fire for you to get you a quart of cookie-dough ice cream in the middle of the night, because we love you.” p. 47
This quote above troubles me only because I feel that this man is only showing his affection through doing certain “ugly” jobs or going to get ice cream in the middle of the night. To me this is not true unity. There are other actions that can be done such as simply conjoining his thoughts with his wife’s. On a sensorimotor level, the husband only states external activities that he does for his wife. He exerts his dominance by saying that this is how we are and accept it. I realize that he may not be directly saying all of this, but I feel as a female, this is what it translates to.
Again on a cognitive level, I feel that he husband in this quote is also truly focusing on himself. He is basically telling his wife, this is how we men love women; accept it for what it is. He does not consider how women feel what love is.
The man in this case also is not depending on his woman for his feelings. He is buying into society’s view that he is providing for her needs, supporting her, and being decent to her by doing chores. He does not become dependent on his woman for their relationship. This man is also keeping his affective independence from his woman. If he continues this type of behavior and thinking, their relationship will not reach unity.
6. “Trust your husband. Recognize that he has his own ways of doing things. They don’t have to be done your way to be adequately done. If the toilet ends up clean, it does it matter if he didn’t give it your ‘special touch’, if he has the kids so that you can’t attend a baby shower don’t leave list of detailed instructions. As long as the two of you share the same rules you should trust him to create his own relationship and caring style with his children without your intervention.”
A woman does not trust her husband to do things correctly because things need to be done according to how she wants it done. This is so that the couple can unify themselves on all three levels of the self. In this situation, the wife may go along with the husband in order to get along. After awhile, she will probably aim to move the relationship to a higher level and this may be the cause of her trust in the husband. She needs her husband to do things in the manner that she does it even if it’s just cleaning the toilet and watching the kids.
From the cognitive perspective, the wife probably has taking her husband’s perspective and knows the details of his ways of doing things. Because of this, she knows that she cannot trust him doing certain things.
The husband is only focused on how he thinks he is correctly doing certain tasks. He does not consider what his wife normally does in each situation. For instance, with the children maybe the reason why she leaves such a long list is because each child’s needs are different. There could be allergies involved or certain behaviors in which only she knows how to deal with. The husband needs to understand that. He may not spend much time in caring for the children and need instructions in order to care for them. The wife understands this and does things to help him.
7. “I get angry over something she has said or done and have the temerity to express my feelings she just dismisses it as me being overtired or some other trite toss off. This is akin to a guy seeing a woman and saying, “I guess is that time of the month again!”. p. 79
The only reason why he is angry with his wife is because he doesn’t understand her motives behind her responses. He may express his feelings and she will dismiss it because she understands her husband well. She probably understands that he is truly tired and complaining for no reason at all.
I would have to say that this couple is past the sensorimotor level because the wife is not going along with what the husband says. She is not following her husband’s dominance in order to keep the relationship going anymore because she wants to elevate their relationship to a higher level. Although the wife is not showing harmony in this situation, she knows his ideas and is able to dismiss certain things said by her husband.
If this man aligns his feelings to his wife, they will achieve affective conjunction. What stands in the way of their relationship reaching this is his ideas that are based on society. His comment on seeing an angry women and blaming their anger on having PMS is an example of the influence of society. Most men attribute an angry female to PMS, but it could be anger towards their partner. Their partner may have done something to destroy her goal of reaching unity. Men need to understand their women first before assuming anything.
Lastly, he expects her to be dependent on his feelings, not the other way around. He could see this as a sign of loyalty, but it is not. A female is loyal from the moment she is with her partner. If he continues to believe that she should depend on him for her feelings, they will never reach unity.
8. “She says that I don’t want to cuddle her without having sex, because I get aroused when we touch. I say that if someone is starving and you put a plate of food in front of them, you can’t expect them to just nibble on it. Give them a full stomach, then they will snack.” p.134
My first thought in regards to this though is sexual blackmailing because the husband is basically saying that if they start cuddling, they will have sex. His wife may want to only cuddle because she feels that this will lead to mental intimacy. When mental intimacy is reached I’m sure she will always desire him in sexual ways. This statement reveals that this couple has definitely not reach a state of mental intimacy. The husband is not thinking deeper into their relationship. Maybe he does things that pushes her a way from sex. I don’t feel that his food comparison is a valid explanation. Of course one has to eat, but does one necessarily have to have sex?
On a sensorimotor level, they both enjoy the cuddling. He is focused on himself and the result of sex from cuddling. The wife is motivated to elevate their relationship through cuddling, but he does not see it this way.
I totally understand the purpose of cuddling. My fiancé and I both like to spend time during this period talking about the events of the day, our goals, and our relationship. We cuddle several times through out the day during the time we wake up, sometimes during the afternoon, and before going to bed. We find that this allows us to talk on a deeper level and that helps us to become closer as a couple. During this period for us, sex is not an issue.
On a cognitive level the wife is taking the lead of the relationship by not allowing sex without reaching mental intimacy. She strives for this to conjoin her husband to her. He is only focused on himself and the goal of having sex. If he were to think from her perspective, they may reach a state of mental intimacy and his wife may willingly want more sex.
For their relationship to become perfect, they need to reach a state of affective conjunction. This man clearly does not understand that he needs to align his feelings with his wife. Once he does so, their sex life will improve and he will wonder why he didn’t do so in the beginning.
9. “When I am feeling the most rejected, I ask myself, ‘Why am I here?’ and ‘Who cares for me?’ To me, I am still doing my job of protecting and providing, but I get nothing in return. When months pass without sex or affection, the message that I get is that I am undesired and have to no value. If I were appreciated, I would be loved. Caring and nurturing is what I need to feel healthy and happy. p.132
This husband says that he feels rejected. In order to understand this, he may have to look at reason on the sensorimotor level. He may be doing things that his wife doesn’t like and she may reject him for these reasons. On another thought, how is he protecting and providing? If he is doing so on a dominant level, his wife could reject him for this reason. Regarding the sex issue, have they both reached a state of mental intimacy? Probably not because she is still rejecting him.
On a cognitive level, he is only focusing on how his wife is giving him nothing in return. He needs to re-examine what she does and to note down these things. By doing this, he may realize that she does many things for him. This may help the husband to realize that she is constantly analyzing his perspective. If he just pays more attention to his wife instead of his need to feel loved and wanted, their relationship has a chance of reaching unity.
10. “I am tired of women putting all men down for wanting and needing affection. Aren’t people in love suppose to want to kiss, hug, and make love? That just makes sense to me.” p. 129
On a sensorimotor level, a man wants to women to stop putting down men for wanting to kiss, hug, and make love. These activities mentioned are just a few external things that a couple may like to do. In this instance, the man is complaining that women put down men who want affection. From a sensorimotor level, women do want these qualities in men. I feel that in some instances, the man may want these things on a superficial level. The woman being smart, knows this and rejects all his advances.
In the beginning, a woman may do all these things so that their relationship can go on a higher and deeper level. She agrees to these activities just for the relationship. As we can see both the man and woman have different motives.
As the relationship progresses further, the woman may not want to continue this activity without more from the man. Her goal is unity and also affective conjunction. If the man does not meet the woman in this goal, she of course will reject his advances.
As the relationship continues further, the man is still focused on himself. In this case, he feels that men are given a bad reputation as over wanting affection and sex. It only makes sense to him that these activities make him feel loved. As for the woman’s way of thinking, sex is not necessarily what makes the relationship grow. She is working really hard to keep the relationship going and for it to reach the necessary goals in order for them both to be happy.
I feel that this couple, especially the man, do not have cognitive conjunction. They have not exchanged ideas about how he feels and the man also does not strive to have any conjunction with the woman.
(c) How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is your evaluation of it?
As I mentioned many times before, I see Dr. Laura’s approach as traditional which truly translate into dominance. She has adopted society’s view that men are just men. As I read and study her views in her book, I have come to realize that many of her views are simply on the sensorimotor level. It is just on the surface. She does not address any of her audiences’ problems in a mental way. Mostly, I find that she first blames the female for her problem and then state a million reasons why her relationship wrong.
Often times, the woman has given up on the relationship and as a last resort, gives in to Dr. Laura’s suggestions. These women need to realize that the reason their relationship is failing is not their fault. It is the fault of the man for not conjoining himself to his woman.
It is really hard sometimes to pinpoint exactly what Dr. Laura is thinking or believing. At times I wonder where she got all of her ideas from. Generally most people who study the Unity Model of Marriage disagree with her views on how a relationship should be., but I don’t listen to her radio
The Question I am answering is Question 11
(a) Create three dialogues between a husband and wife. Each dialog should represent one of the three models of marriage discussed in the Lecture Notes. Each dialog should contain at least 10 numbered talking turns by each of the two partners, and no more than 20 each. A talking turn can be as brief as a nod or grunt, and as long as several sentences. Preface each dialog with a paragraph explaining the context of the conversation and the topic.
(b) Analyze and contrast the dialogues to show how they each illustrate one of the models. Focus on the threefold self (this is a requirement). Use the entire ennead chart, or parts thereof, to discuss and contrast the dialog segments you analyze.
This is table 1d
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 Relationship at the PARTICULAR |
zone 7 ------- |
zone 8 ------- |
zone 9 ------- |
|
level 2 ------- Relationship at the PERSONAL |
zone 4 ------- |
zone 5 ------- e.g., partners know but often disagree with each other's opinions and justifications |
zone 6 ------- e.g., partners take turns giving in even if they don't agree
|
|
level 1 ------- Relationship at the GENERAL |
zone 1 ------- e.g., the wife's movements are directed by the husband using force, threat, or intimidation |
zone 2 ------- |
zone 3 ------- e.g., the partners' interactions are governed by the expectations of tradition and family |
Summary Table from Section 5 Part C
|
PRINCIPLES BY WHICH HUSBAND
GOVERNS HIS BEHAVIOR |
CHARACTER OF THE PARTNERSHIP |
HOW THEY BEHAVE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER AND CONSEQUENCES ON WIFE |
|
|
follows the |
spiritual |
reciprocity with
differentiation |
husband chooses to always
act from his wife’s feelings and preferences, |
|
follows the |
natural progressive |
agreeing with |
the two make up consensual
arrangements, |
|
follows the |
natural traditional |
consociation by male
dominated norms, |
wife is submissive and
obedient to husband and his family , |
Husband and Wife 1: Dominant Model Conversation
*Each dialogue will modified according to one of the three models of marriage using Table 1d.
A wife and husband have a conversation over the house chores. She wants help with certain chores, but he being the dominant one, ignores her requests and instead does only what he wants to do.
1.
Husband: (eating dinner)
Wife: Dear, would you mind helping me take out the trash later this evening?
2.
Husband: (with food in his mouth) mmmmmk....
Wife: I’m sorry honey, I didn’t hear you. Can you help—
3.
Husband: Didn’t you hear me? I said I would!
Wife: (nicely, but her feelings hurt) I’m sorry I couldn’t understand you with all that food in your mouth.
(Later that evening...she is washing dishes and he is watching T.V.)
4.
Wife: What’s on T.V.? Dear?
Husband: (ignores her and continues to watch television)
5.
Wife: Dear?
Husband: Yeah, What? Can’t you see I’m busy?
6.
Wife: Well...didn’t you remember that I asked you to take out the trash earlier?
Husband: (mumbles something)
7.
Wife: Dear?
Husband: I heard you woman! I’ll do it when I want to do it.
8.
Wife: (nicely, but hurt) Okay dear...thank you. Do you think you could spray the-(gets cut off)
Husband: (finishes her sentence) Lysol??? I know how to do it! Jeeze!
(Later that evening in bed)
9.
Wife: (timidly) Thanks for helping me out earlier, the trash is so heavy sometimes.
Husband: Maybe you should exercise so you can have more muscles! Besides, I think you let yourself go ever since we got married.
10.
Wife: That’s not nice! Are you kidding me?
Husband: No, do I ever kid with you? Good night!
(b) Explanation of Sexual Blackmailing
This dialogue illustrates the dominance model by showing how the wife is submissive and obedient to her husband. The husband is only concerned for himself. During the entire dialogue she does not even try to defend herself against her husband’s dominance.
To examine this through the threefold self using Table 1d, we can see that at Zone 1, the sensorimotor level, the wife’s behavior is controlled by the husband using intimidation. In this case the intimidation is not physical threat, but rather intimidation by the tone of his voice. In addition, I feel that the husband is mentally abusing his wife by disrespecting her. Instead of using her name or some pet name he calls her a general name, “woman.”
In Zone 2, cognitive level, the wife is scared of the husband and submits to him in fear of retaliation. In this case, she accepts the fact that he wants to take out the trash on his own time. She clearly knows that he is that way, that’s why in her request she asks for him to do it later in the evening. He obviously does not pay attention to her use of words. He assumes she wants it done now.
In Zone 3, affective level, I assume that the husband comes from a traditional family (dominance). From the beginning of their marriage, his wife may have come to learn this by her husband not wanting to do chores around the house. In a way, their behaviors are set and everyone in the family assumes their roles.
Husband and Wife 2: Equity Model Conversation
A wife and husband have a conversation over the house chores. She wants help with certain chores, but because the relationship is in the equity model, he feels that since she is asking him for a favor, he also can ask for a favor as well.
1.
Husband: (eating dinner)
Wife: Dear, would you mind helping me take out the trash?
2.
Husband: (with food in his mouth) okay, can I do it after I finish dinner?
Wife: Sure honey that’s fine with me as long as you do it tonight.
3.
Husband: Of course I’ll do it tonight. Dear? Would you mind washing my black dress pants tonight as well? I have a big presentation to do tomorrow morning and I want to look good.
Wife: (jokingly) Okay, I guess I’ll wash your pants tonight since you helping me with the trash.
(Later that evening...she is washing dishes and he is watching T.V.)
4.
Wife: Dear?
Husband: Yeah?
5.
Wife: Did you happen to take out the trash like I asked?
Husband: Yes. Did you wash my pants yet?
6.
Wife: No, not yet, but I will as soon as I finish these dishes.
Husband: Okay, thanks Honey.
7.
Wife: (joins him watching T.V)
Husband: I thought you were going to do my pants tonight?
8.
Wife: I’m sorry, I forgot after doing the dishes tonight!
Husband: Its okay, why don’t you watch this show with me first.
9.
Wife: No, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do and your dress pants is going to take a while.
Husband: Okay, I just thought you wanted to rest a little before you started all that.
10.
Wife: that’s thoughtful of you,
Husband: of course, since you are helping me with my pants.
In this dialogue the husband is treating his wife a little bit better. In exchange for the husband taking out the trash he has asked her to wash his pants. According to Zone 4, sensorimotor level, husband and wife are more competitive with each other. I am assuming in this case, the husband and wife are keeping tabs on who does what for each other. Since she is asking for a favor, he feels that he can request a favor as well.
In Zone 5, cognitive level, the partners know but often disagree with each other’s opinions and justifications. One idea that comes to mind is from line 6 where the wife jokes with the husband. My understanding of this is that taking out the trash is a relatively easy job, no thought is really required to complete this task. Washing dress pants requires more work because you have to make sure you check out the care instructions of the pants. Then in addition to washing and drying, his wife must make sure she irons it as well. So the wife’s jokingly tone reflects her disagreement with each requirement of the favor.
Zone 6 is about partners taking turns even if they don’t agree with one another. This is related to the explanation for Zone 5. In order for their relationship to be peaceful, they take turns doing favors for one another even if it’s unequal.
Husband and Wife 3: Unity
A wife and husband have a conversation over the house chores. She wants help with certain chores and being that the husband has taken on the responsibility to achieve a unity relationship, he does what she asks willingly. Also, he knows what she likes to do after taking out a trash bag.
1.
Husband: (eating dinner)
Wife: Dear, would you mind helping me take out the trash later this evening?
2.
Husband: Of course I will.
Wife: I’m sorry honey, I didn’t hear you.
3.
Husband: (nicely) You didn’t hear me? I’m sorry, I said of course I will.
Wife: Thanks Dear you’re the best.
4.
Wife: How’s dinner?
Husband: You always make a great dinner honey! I love eating your cooking.
(Later that evening...she is washing dishes and he is watching T.V.)
5.
Wife: Dear?
Husband: Yes hon?
6.
Wife: Did you take out the trash like I asked earlier during dinner?
Husband: Yes, I did it immediately right after I ate. I also sprayed the trash container with that Lysol thing. That way we can keep the container clean.
7.
Wife: Oh dear! Thank you so much!
Husband: It’s no problem at all! I know that its hard for you to do it, the trash is so heavy at times.
8.
Wife: You are so thoughtful!
Husband: It’s nothing, I just want to help you in anyway possible.
9.
Husband: Oh, I noticed that the trash bags are low. Shall I go get some at Costco tomorrow?
Wife: Yes, please do so. I totally forgot to tell you the other day. It’s like you read my mind.
10.
Husband: Okay, I’ll go right after work tomorrow.
Wife: Thank you so much! You know how much I hate going shopping. I love you forever!
In this dialogue, the couple has reached the goal of unity. Zone 7 describes how each partner’s movement are coordinated to each other. In this situation, I feel that just the simple event of taking out the trash is an example of this. The husband has taken responsibility to conjoin his thoughts and feelings with his wife. Because of this, he knows how she wants the trash to be taken out and how to prep the container for the trash.
In Zone 8, the couple strives to agree with each other’s opinions. In this case, they both like to keep the trash container clean. The husband knows this and achieves their goal by spraying Lysol. The husband also knows that taking out the trash is hard for his wife because of the weight. Because of his understanding he doesn’t object to this chore. I’m sure that he even enjoys this task because he knows it makes his wife happy.
Lastly, we examine Zone 9 in relation to this unity dialogue. Zone 9 describes the husband who always strives to align his feelings and desires to his wife’s. During this entire conversation, there is not one instance in which the husband disagrees with his wife or how she does things. Even she realizes this and comments on how thoughtful he is. She realizes that he takes the time and effort to do chores, in this case taking out trash, to how she would to want it done. The husband does all of this willingly without complaint.
The Question I am answer is Question 10:
(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction it shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.
(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?
(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics:
(i)
housework
(ii) jealousy, and
(iii) a third area of your own choosing.
(c) Discuss what these data show or prove.
(b)
One topic discussed during the course of lectures with Dr. James was Sexual Blackmail. What I understand from our lectures regarding this topic is related to Dr. Schlessinger’s book. Simply put, it’s a husband demanding, wanting, or expecting his wife to give him sex. The husband may feel that he works hard to bring home the “bacon” and because of this, his wife should want to give him sex.
The wife should be obligated and want to give her husband sex because he works so hard to support the household. Besides the obligation to have sex with her husband when ever he wants it, she should that it is her job to provide sex for him. In a sense, in hearing it in the first place, it’s sort of the equity model in sex, but in actuality it is not. The husband dominates over the wife and forcers her to do things she doesn’t want to. The basic idea in this is that I work hard for you, now you must give me sex. This is the general idea of sexual blackmail.
Now getting back to Dr. Schlessinger, she promotes sexual blackmail through out her book. When reading her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, we can find sexual black mail on almost every single page.
For those who are not familiar with Dr. Schlessinger, she promotes herself as a marriage therapist. In my opinion, I would have to say that she complains more about how women have to cater to their men. One of which was stated previously concerning sex. Other ideas that she promotes are: women must always look beautiful for their men, children are not as important as the husband, and lastly, if a women has a career, she should not forget about her household responsibilities.
Dr. James has mentioned in class that women are treated bad and not appreciated enough. I agree with him. Women nowadays are expected to have it all. Careers and being a housewife is expected. After a woman has finished her own paying job, she must go and start her non-paying job at home. At home she is Superwife/mother. She is expected to create a tasty and nutritious home cooked meal in a short amount of time, do all the household chores, take care of a few children, and make time for her husband.
Yes, I must address the fact that I am sounding a bit sarcastic. In some ways while writing my report, I find that I have so much anger in me when I think about these things. I do feel that women are not appreciated enough for their hard work. Men do need to help out willingly without complaint. According to the Unity Model, they should want to help out their wives and to learn how their wives do things because they have reason for doing so.
I asked my boyfriend what he thought of sexual blackmail. I explained sexual blackmailing and mental intimacy to him so that he had a better understanding of this idea. His was surprised that other men would expect their wife to provide sex. He simply put it as, “They are Losers!” I thought this was very cute to hear!
He agreed that women should not provide sex just because they have to. Then he countered back to me by asking if I would tolerate it from him. I immediately told him that I would tell him to leave if he ever did that to me. His response was, “See?” From my understanding of his interpretation, I feel that he understood the basic idea of sexual blackmailing and mental intimacy. I also feel that he does not approve of obligatory sex.
(c) What the data shows
1. Housework
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 Husband and Wife make sure each assigned chore is done by that person. |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband lets the wife be responsible for all of the household chores. |
2 The husband makes the wife feel guilty if she asks for help |
3 Makes sure his wife does not find a job and just stays home. |
The data in this table discusses the idea of housework based on the threefold self. Zones 1, 4, and 7, illustrate the sensorimotor aspect of the dominance model. By going through the table, a person can understand how the couple acts on each behavior is different on each level. If we compare 1, 4, and 7, we can see the difference of each level in the way a couple can act.
This is similar for charts 2, 5, and 8. On each level, we can see how a couple would act towards each other on different levels of the threefold self. this is the same for levels 3, 6, and 9.
Now going back to level 1, we can see how the husband would treat his wife. The husband stays independent from his wife and makes her do all the house chores. As we move above level 1, we see that they both share in the work.
Now on level 2, on a dominant level, the husband uses guilt to keep the wife from asking for help. Higher on this table we can see on an equity level, they keep mental score of who does what. In the highest level 7 of that column, we can see that chores are not longer an issue. The couple is more concerned about their relationship rather than chores.
Upon examining level 3, we can see that the husband exercising his dominance by keeping the wife at home. Higher in the column both the husband and wife do their chores accordingly. As the level gets higher up the column we can see how the husband accepts and gives in himself in order for unity to take place.
2. Jealousy
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 Knowing they will be together for eternity they strive to maintain a unity relationship |
9 Always making sure they know what each other is thinking in order to maintain mental intimacy |
|
level 2 |
4 Both husband and wife keep tabs on each other to
make sure they remain faithful. |
5
|
6 AFFECTIVE Motivated to compete with partner for being faithful |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband get suspicious of wife’s actions with other men. |
2 Thinks of ways to make sure his wife stays faithful. |
3 Motivated to come up with ways to make sure his wife does not stray. |
In this Table, we can see the results of jealousy through the threefold self. From a sensorimotor view, we can see that the husband gets suspicious over the wife’s actions with other men. I would have to assume that he knows he is not treating his wife correctly and knows that she may want to leave him.
In Zone 4, we can see how a couple would treat each other in the equity model through the threefold self. Instead of just the husband keeping tabs on the wife, they both are keeping an eye on each other. It is though they do not have trust in each other.
In Zone 7, we see how the couple thinks. They are concerned over the consequences of their actions instead of keeping watch on each other.
In Zone 2, the husband thinks of ways to keep his wife faithful because he wants to dominate over her and to control her behavior. This behavior of the husband will cause the wife to be extremely unhappy and their relationship will not reach unity if this continues.
In Zone 5 the equity model and cognitive level, they both are concerned whether they stay faithful to each other. The husband and wife at this point have moved from dominance towards a relationship that is more equal.
In Zone 8, we can see how a couple is more concerned with conjoining their thoughts and opinions. The couple now in unity, is no longer concerned over equity or dominating one another.
Lastly we examine the affective level. In Zone 3, the husband is motivated to think of ways to keep his wife from cheating because he is jealous. In my opinion, the only reason why a husband feels this way is because he knows he is not treating his wife in the best possible way. He knows that eventually out of desperation, she could cheat on him.
In Zone 6, the couple is now in competition with each other to see who can stay faithful the longest. It is most likely the husband would be the one cheating on his wife. If the wife decides to cheat, it would only be out of desperation.
In the most highest level of the relationship is in Zone 9. The couple is now not worry about making each other jealous or doing things to keep tabs on each other. They are now working to conjoin their ideas and opinions to reach mental intimacy.
3. Sex
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 Husband and wife wants to truly please each other |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 Wife feels that she should at least try to enjoy the act of sex even if she didn’t want to in the first place. |
5 Husband and wife take turns initiating sex with each other |
6 AFFECTIVE Husband and wife keep score on who initiates sex first |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband wants to have sex with wife mainly for his pleasure. |
2 Wife continues to have sex with the husband because she feels she has to. |
3 |
We can examine sex through this table to see how a couple or husband will go through these levels in a relationship. Starting in the sensorimotor column, in zone 1, we can see how the husband is selfish for his own pleasure.
As we get higher in the column in zone 4, we can see the wife attempting to want have sex with her husband even though she doesn’t want to. She puts on a front to pretend she wants to have sex when she really does not want to.
In zone 7, both the husband want to truly please each other. At this moment, they are not being selfish. They both want each other to enjoy this intimate moment together.
In zone 2, we can understand cognitively why the wife would continue to have sex with her husband. She may not be working so she feels that the only way to contribute is to give sex. Above zone 2, we see zone 5. Now we are in the equity model, the husband and wife not take turns compromising for each other. They both initiate sex, but this does not mean the wife wants to have sex.
In zone 8, the husband and wife are now working on ways to have mental intimacy. The reason why a couple may not have sex is mental intimacy. A woman needs mental intimacy in order for her to want to be sexually intimate with a man. In this zone, they both are working towards this goal.
Moving on to zone 3, we can see that the wife submits to the husband and has sex whenever he wants to. She does this out of fear of the husband. In the same column, we can examine zone 6. in this level, we can see how the relationship has grown. Instead of the husband being motivated by pleasure for sex, the couple now keeps score on who initiates sex first. This does not necessarily mean that the wife wants to have sex. It just means that she could initiate sex in order to appear to want sex on a somewhat regular basis.
Finally we examine zone 9. This is the highest state a couple can reach. In this zone they have reached unity and are in the most mentally intimate level. Sex is no longer the most important activity. The couple is now motivated by conjoining themselves and their thoughts. A couple in this zone has achieve mental intimacy.
The Question I am answering is Question 13:
(a) Describe the Web presence of Schlessinger, Tannen, Coleman, and Swedenborg. What does one find when looking them up with Google?
(b) What do people say about them?
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
(d) Are they popular?
(e) How do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I first searched for Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Google and found her official website. This site is mainly about what herself, what she does, where to buy her books, where to listen to her, and other links that may help people in their relationship problems Another feature of her website is a fitness tip for the day. I found this to be a little strange because I thought she was only a relationship therapist.
Besides her own official website, there is a StopDr.Laura website. It seems to be supported by a gay and lesbian association. They want to stop her website because they feel that she is against homosexuality.
Another website I visited was wikipedia.com. This is a like a public informal web encyclopedia. Entries are written by people and submitted. The information I read about her was unbiased. It gave basic information, a picture, and a history of the shows or books she wrote.
(b) What do people say about them?
Each person seems to have their own opinion of her. I found many negative comments about her and a site even posted an unappealing picture of her. This site complained about her degree, they said that it’s not a Post-Doctorate in her field (she preaches about marriage and relationship, but her degree is in Physiology) and that she should not call herself Dr. Laura. In addition to this, this website brings up the issue of Dr. Laura against homosexuality. The person who displayed this information was extremely negative towards Dr. Laura and I was not surprised to find swearing on the site.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
Yes, Dr. Laura does seem to have a big influence on both women and men. Women come to her for advice because they have become desperate and lost in their dominant relationship. Men go to her because Dr. Laura will tell them that they are right in how they feel. She basically enforces that men are correct in their feelings.
(d) Are they popular?
Dr. Laura is very popular, when I search for Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Google, I found 529,000 matches. Almost all of these websites referred to Dr. Laura in both positive and negative aspects.
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
I asked a neighbor about Dr. Laura after discussing her views with her. She thought Dr. Laura was not intelligent because of her views with who is in charge in a relationship. She said that she could never be submissive towards a man.
Deborah Tannen
When I did a search on Google for Deborah Tannen, I found 518,000 listed sites for her. This was less than the search for Dr. Laura.
(b) What do people say about them?
The first website listed on my Google search was Tannen’s own official website. Her site gave basic information such as her education, biography, and her publications. Most of the websites I visited focused on her books and the topic of gender language styles. I could not find any negative opinions of her. What I found was that many people discuss her ideas as a sociolinguist. They often refer to her on this topic.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
One website I visited sold Tannen’s books, this was amazon.com. I was able to look at customer and editorial reviews of her book. From this, I gathered that she may have some influence on people, but not much. Many of the customers and editorial reviews stated that she analyzes everything from every angle. These same reviews stated that she only brought up the obvious topics in her books.
(d) Are they popular?
Deborah Tannen seems to be popular enough. When you type in her name pretty much all of the sites shown are about her and what she studies.
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
I decided to discuss Tannen with a friend who lives on the mainland. After I explained what Tannen studied, we discussed her ideas. She felt that women and men do have speaking styles. I also brought up the lecture notes and how they related to Tannen’s ideas. She felt that Tannen’s ideas were at first the equity model, but yet there was dominance hidden in her ideas.
Joshua Coleman
According to Dr. Joshua Coleman’s official website, he is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on numerous televised programs worldwide and internationally. His advice has been featured in many popular newspapers. His books are available internationally. When I typed Joshua Coleman, I was able to find over eight million sites. Not all of these sites were for the actual person I was searching for.
(b) What do people say about them?
People seem to like Coleman more than Schlessinger and Tannen. One person felt that Coleman’s approach towards marriage was realistic. According to the reviews, most people approach relationships and marriage in a fairy tale like manner.
These people feel that Coleman addressed many types of ideas on why relationships fail or do not work. The topics range from childhood to adulthood problems.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
I feel that people who do need advice or help for their marriage or relationship may find his books while searching the internet. They may be influenced by him because of the good reviews that are shown. I was not able to find anything negative about him.
(d) Are they popular?
I don’t feel that he has as much popularity as Schlessinger and Tannen. He doesn’t seem to have followers like how Dr. Laura has. When I searched for his name I got 270,000 matches, that’s only half as much as Schlessinger and Tannen. Overall, I feel that Coleman is somewhat popular.
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
I also discussed Coleman with my same friend from the mainland. I explained the book and the views of Joshua Coleman to her. After my explanation, she felt that Coleman at times seemed to be in the unity model of marriage, but hidden in that was the equity model. I feel that the reason for this was for my condense explanation to her. I feel that if I had more time to explain everything, she would maybe have had a different explanation for me.
Swedenborg
When I searched for Swedenborg, I type in Emmanuel Swedenborg. I was able to find at least 80,000 sites about him. The first site that I found was sort of like an official website. This site had links to a bibliography, his contributions to science, theology, and a discussion page.
(b) What do people say about them?
What I found mostly from the websites were biographies. From these biographies I was able to learn about Swedenborg life. The impression I was left with was that he was a genius with what some say had an IQ of at least 200. Most normal people have an I.Q. around the hundreds.
I had a hard time finding any opinion for Swedenborg, If I had to guess I would say opinions for him would be either neutral or more towards a positive attitude.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
I would have to say that Swedenborg does have an influence on people. I’ve seen many pages based on Swedenborg and they mostly talk about a religious aspect of him. I feel that religion has a strong influence over people and being that Swedenborg talked about the spiritual aspects of things, I’m sure he has and influence over people.
(d) Are they popular?
From the results that I got when I searched for Swedenborg, I would have to say that he is not as popular as the rest of the three people I searched for. I have to say this because other people had more opinions towards the other three writers than towards Swedenborg.
(e) How do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?
My reaction to the web information I found was not surprising. I feel that controversial people like Dr. Laura will have more sites. Also, people are more likely to dislike her and to make comments for or against her ideas.
Each time I searched for a new person, the results got lower and lower. I was a little surprised to find this because I thought these people were all well known.
(f) Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
Lastly, I discussed Swedenborg ideas with my brother. My brother is not very open-minded at all and felt that Swedenborg was a crazy person who had some mental disease. I tried to explain who Swedenborg was, but my brother did not change his mind.
I feel that Swedenborg’s ideas were hard to understand at first and people will react the way my brother did. If people take the time to read and examine his ideas, they may change their minds.
Advice to Future Generations
My advice to future generations is to start early in doing their oral presentations, reports, and reading. Besides this general bit of information, I feel that a student taking this course needs to have an open mind to learn Dr. James’s Unity Model of Marriage. He tells all students at the beginning of the semester that they need to keep a positive bias in order to study his marriage model. I highly suggest that all students taking this course to do so.
In the beginning, if you have a strong faith already, it may be hard to shut out your beliefs and opinions, but it is the best way to learn what is being taught. If it is too hard to do this, just remember that Dr. James is not forcing you to believe what is being taught. He just asks that you learn what he is teaching.
I also suggest that students read as much as possible of the books and his lecture notes. This is because it is easier to write what you already know rather than looking up terms. Other than the homework, reading, being open-minded, and writing, the work is not too rough.
My last suggest to future generations is regarding the ftp procedure. The instructions were hard to understand for me and a bit too detailed. The instructions include words such as download and upload which many people in my class had a hard time understanding. For those who may be having a hard time, here are a few pointers.
First, make sure you type in the address of the site correctly or else you will go to the social sciences homepage. Next, after signing in, you will see the two items that need to be clicked and dragged into your new folder. For all the uploading of reports and outlines, you just need to have the two windows open and just click and drag whatever documents you want to the intended folder. Then, make sure you go to your website so that you are sure you have uploaded the item correctly. I hope you find these instructions helpful.
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lau/lau-home.htm