Report 2:

Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Andrea Montague

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm

I am answering Questions

The Question I am answering is Question 1

(a) Contrast the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband, and James in The Unity Model of Marriage.

(b) Your analysis should also include a chart or table that shows the differences between the four books in a systematic way

I thought carefully about what kind of gender relationship each of the four books depicted, and also what kind of relationship was seen as a good or model relationship. Then I came up with three general questions, which I believe will be helpful in distinguishing the four differing views. The first question is about who holds more of the power in the relationship. By this, I am asking whether each view believes the wife or the husband to be more influential over the other. The second question looks at what each view holds to be the major problem in most relationships and the third explores the way in which relationships may be improved.

This is Table 1

	Who holds the power in a relationship?	What is generally the problem in relationships/marriage?	How do you achieve and maintain a good relationship/marriage?
Dr. Leon James	In the unity model, it would be proper to say that the power is in the both of them. It is an equal relationship, and if the couple truly has reached the unity level of marriage, there should be no power struggle.	The problem would be the inability to achieve the unity model of marriage, which is the ultimate goal in marriages. This problem stems from the husbands unwillingness to give up his freedom and independence. Anything that prevents them from achieving all three levels of intimacy (anti-unity) would be a problem.	The key to a good marriage is to achieve sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective unity. The couple cannot be selfish but always have to do things in accordance with their spouse and have their happiness in mind at all times. They must refrain from any anti-unity values, which work to separate the two. A good marriage is the unity model of marriage.
Deborah Tannen	Although she does not necessarily say who holds the power, the gender differences in communication she explains suggests there is an unequal distribution of power, at least in the conversations.	Problems stem from differences in communication styles between the two. The differences may get in the way of communicating what they really want to and may be the cause of arguments and fights.	In order for a couple to be happy and keep a good marriage, they must learn to communicate better. Tannen believes there are inevitable differences in communication, so the key here is to understand those differences and to work towards better communication.
Joshua Coleman	Coleman claims that the woman holds the power to change the husband’s behaviors. Yet by blaming and suggesting that it is the woman’s responsibility to make all the changes, the power actually seems to be in the husband. This is the dominance model disguised as the equity model.	The problem is the inability of the woman to take a stance and to make changes in her husband. For example, the wife may feel overburdened with work and housework. Yet in this case, Coleman would probably suggest that the problem isn’t her stress but the wife’s lack of effort to do something about it.	Coleman believes that the key to a happy marriage is for the woman to use her power and skills to get her husband to do more. This may be by learning to be more assertive or using one’s bargaining power.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger	In Dr. Laura’s view, the power is very much in the husband’s hands. She believes this is justified by the effort the husband makes at working and supporting his family. Her advices suggest that, although not completely powerless, the woman has little power compared to her husband.	Dr. Laura thinks that most problems occur because of the wife doing something wrong. It may be that she is being lazy around the house or unappreciative and inattentive to her husband. If the problem was the husband’s affair, she may still concentrate on what the women was doing wrong.	Dr. Laura generally believes that since the husband is already being a “great” husband for working and supporting his family, the marriage would be wonderful as long as the wife does her part. In her view, the wife’s responsibility is to keep her husband satisfied and happy. These would be such things as keeping the house tidy, taking good care of the children, cooking delicious meals and giving him sex.

Dr. Leon James-

Although I was a bit confused at first about the unity model of marriage, now that I am familiar with it, I think it is the most respectable and wonderful form of marriage, one that I wish to attain myself. Once you reach the unity model, from whatever angle you look at it from, it is an honest and intimate relationship. I think most people would want to have this kind of relationship. It does not concentrate on making just one of the spouses happy, it is about the two of them conjoining to make each other happy.

To be honest, after learning about the unity model of marriage, I feel that it is definitely not easy to achieve this form of marriage. As we learned in class, most couples usually begin at the dominance or sometimes the equity model. It is up to the two of them to make an effort to progress higher. I am glad I was able to learn about the importance of achieving unity. But as I look back on my past relationships, I can see that achieving cognitive and affective unity is a rather difficult task. The part I like best about the unity model of marriage is that it gives me hope that there could be such thing as a wonderful, eternal marriage. The other readings kind of made me scared of becoming married.

Deborah Tannen-

I liked the fact that she addressed a very important issue, communication differences between the sexes. This is something that I have personally experienced many times before and I found what she had to say pretty helpful. Although I believe these differences shouldn’t be used as an excuse to get away with something in the marriage, I think it is important for people to see that these differences do exist. This way, we can come up with creative solutions which may help the couple become closer.

When I was thinking about how understanding the differences may bring a couple closer, I thought a lot about the unity model of marriage. I think it would be really hard to achieve cognitive and affective unity when a couple is having problems communicating to each other. In the dominance model, there isn’t much need for understanding each other on a deeper level, and I think this is where the couple will be stuck if they do not learn to communicate better.

Joshua Coleman-

I have to admit that when I first began reading this book, I kept thinking how great it was that a man was telling women that they had the power to change their husband’s behavior if necessary. I could not see how this was the dominance model disguised as the equity model. Yet, as I stated in the table, I feel as though this is actually blaming and putting all of the responsibility on the woman. Now I wonder why Coleman doesn’t address the issue of the husband’s lack of cooperation and selfishness. Now I am not saying that he should blame the husband, I am saying that both the husband and the wife should be making an effort to keep their marriage happy. Neither of them should be selfish.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

As I have explained in the table above, Dr. Laura believes that it is the wife’s responsibility to keep a marriage together and her husband happy. I don’t disagree with the part about wanting to make your spouse happy, in fact I think it is a really important aspect of a marriage. Even in the unity model of marriage, there is that motivation to make your spouse happy. But I think this should be balanced and supported by the husband’s efforts to make his wife happy as well. I don’t think a husband should necessarily be considered “great” just because he works hard and brings home money for his family, as Dr. Laura seems to believe.

It kind of bothers me that in her view, the wife has to constantly look good, cook great meals, cater to her husband’s needs, and give him amazing sex in order to be considered a “great” wife, when the husband only needs to go to work and not have an affair to be a “great” husband. It’s hard for me to understand how those things balance each other out. I also don’t really like the way she makes all of this sound like a responsibility or worse, an obligation, when it should be something that comes naturally when you are motivated to make your spouse happy.

(d) How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart?

My views prior to taking this course-

Prior to taking this course, most of my views on gender relationships and marriage were probably similar to the views of Joshua Coleman and Deborah Tannen, but not as extreme as the views of Dr. Laura Schlessinger. A lot of what I held to be true and thought as “common sense” was a result of all that I had absorbed throughout my childhood. Now that I look back on my childhood, my life was filled with messages that told me men and women were different and that the gender roles I saw were a result of that. If it was just that, I don’t think there is much problem, only the messages also told me that men had more power than women. I grew up thinking that sometimes you just had to listen to men, even if you thought they were wrong. This is something a bit scary to think about now.

Back then, I don’t think I would have been very surprised with some of the things Dr. Laura was saying on her radio shows. I would have accepted it as the way things are. I might have thought she was blunt, but I may have given her credit for telling people to appreciate what they had. The ideas of Joshua Coleman may have surprised me a bit, because of the fact that it is a man telling women that they have the power to change their husbands. Ideas of the Unity Model of Marriage would not have even crossed my mind. It would have been too “daring”.

My current views-

When look at the table and think about my own views now, I can be confident in saying that my ideas are similar to that in the unity model. Although I have somewhat similar views, the unity model is still a goal for me, a model that I would like to follow in search for happiness. I know that I will definitely incorporate these views in my relationships from now.

When I think about Dr. Laura’s views now, I can only say that it is upsetting. I know that was the way I used to think too but now that I have learned about the unity model, I don’t think there is a way I can go back to thinking that way. I don’t see myself very happy doing so. In fact, I often wonder if women who take her advice seriously are really happy.

I think Coleman and Tannen’s views are interesting. Although I don’t think I will necessarily follow these views, it is something I think I can learn from.

(e) How are your ideas influenced by each of these four perspectives on marriage?

Influence from the different views

1. Dr. Leon James

Dr. James’s view on marriage opened me up to believe that there could actually be a wonderful marriage. Some aspects of the unity model of marriage was completely new to me at first, some of them a bit surprising. I remember wondering if such things as an eternal marriage or conjoint self really existed. It was just a little hard for me to understand, probably because I have never heard of a model that believed in true and eternal love.

I can see how this view has influenced my ideas on marriage. Now I actually believe that you can have a happy marriage and that there is hope for a man who will give you unconditional and everlasting love. It has also had an influence on my attitude toward relationships in general. Now that I believe there is a chance to have a really happy, fulfilling marriage, it has made me want to work harder towards that goal. Using all of the skills I have learned in this class, I hope to better my own relationships in the future.

2. Deborah Tannen

Tannen’s views on gender relationship has forced me to look at the different aspects of communication in my relationships to see whether it had a positive or negative affect. I had never really thought about how our communication styles may specifically affect our relationships. I think the first important thing her view taught me to do was to acknowledge that there really is a difference in people’s communication styles, especially in men and women. This has given me the ability to think about communication styles and it’s influences in a more critical way.

I think improvements in our communication styles will be good because with better communication there is a greater chance at union with your partner. Without understanding what the other is thinking or feeling, it is hard to come together in all the levels of the self, the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective.

3. Joshua Coleman-

When I think about the ways in which Coleman influenced my views on marriage, I immediately think of what he had to say about being assertive. He believes that a women has to become assertive in her dealings with her husband. I don’t necessarily believe in some of the techniques he suggests, which sounded a little too manipulative for me, I do agree with him that women need to be more assertive when they communicate with men. It is not about taking control or showing that you are more powerful, it is about communicating your feelings in an effective and more straightforward way so that the husband can understand why you are feeling that way and come up with a solution if there is a problem. Again, this is about affective conjunction, a very important step towards the highest level of marriage.

4. Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura’s ideas sure had a lot of influence on me. But not the same kind of influence it would have had on me years ago. It is influential in that it motivates me to do whatever I can to avoid being stuck in a relationship based on values that are similar to hers. I just don’t see how anybody can be happy. After learning about the unity model, I began feeling sick reading Dr. Laura’s book. I simply could not believe some of the things she was writing.

I am glad I was exposed to her view, as well as an opposing one. It has also forced me to think very seriously about what kind of marriage I envisioned myself having. I don’t want to marry anyone like the men who write to Dr. Laura, complaining about their “unappreciative” wives. And I have been motivated to do everything in my power to prevent myself from marrying someone like that. Therefore, as appalling as it all is, her views have helped me in a different way.

The Question I am answering is Question 4

(a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, 22, and 23, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students

(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student’s report.

Generation 20

By Suzanne Howard Here is the link to her report:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report2.htm

Summary-

The general topic covered was gender relationships in relation to the different aspects of the unity model of marriage. The threefold self is the topic of focus throughout the report. She covers this in great detail by explaining what each of them is and how they relate to the three levels of marriage, the dominance, equity, and unity. She bases a lot of the report on the lecture notes and the Doctrine of the Wife.

She notes the importance of looking at both the husband and the wife and not just the individual, which I also believe to be very important.

While I was reading her report, I could tell that she gained new knowledge and insight. As she examined the components of the threefold self as they applied to her and her past relationship, she explained that she got a greater understanding of many things, including herself. One of the most interesting parts of this report was her self-examination and analysis of a journal she wrote at the beginning of her college career. After the careful examination of her journal, she believes that her relationship was in the equity stage.

General Conclusion-

Ideas-

The general idea discussed in this report is the importance of examining yourself and your relationship with the help of the different components of the threefold self. This will help you to understand everything better so that you can advance to the unity model. The key is to make sure you know where you are.

Methods-

One of the methods she used was what I mentioned above, the self-examination of her journal. She listed parts of her journal entries which included her boyfriend. Some were entries that talked about a fight and others were about something fun they did together. She then evaluated the event by looking at the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective aspects.

She also gained information for her report by reading and examining some of the prior generations reports.

Explanations-

Underlying her explanations was the belief that people have the power to advance their relationships to a higher level. Again, this involves looking carefully at the threefold self. She believes that it may be really hard to achieve unity, although it is something one should strive towards. She thinks this may be hard because it goes against what we were taught to believe.

Generation 21

By Leticia Valle Here is the link to her report:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/valle/409b-g21-report2.htm

Summary-

This report was focused on the three models of marriage, as explained in the Lecture Notes. She also went into detail talking about specific aspects of a relationship and how they related to the three models. She analyzed the different books that were assigned and explained what categories (models) they fell under and why. She incorporated the idea of differentiation and reciprocity in the unity model of marriage and went over the different anti-unity values as well. There is also a section where she looks at AUV’s portrayed in t.v shows.

General Conclusion

Ideas-

She had ideas that it would be hard to escape the beliefs we have developed in our childhood. The beliefs come from watching our own parents, people around us, and the media. We are exposed to so much of this that they become a part of us. There is also the idea that because we are taught all of this when we are young, it conditions women to think that abuse, or even sexual blackmail as something to be tolerated. It also prevents some women from advancing to the unity model because they feel satisfied at the dominance or the equity stage.

Methods-

In order to get all the information in the report, she analyzed books by Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and The Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James. To make it easier for us to understand, she classified these authors into categories in the three models of marriage. She listed Dr. Laura as representative of the dominance model, Tannen as equity, and of course, Dr. Leon James as the unity model. She also watched the t.v shows Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond, then reported the AUV’s she witnessed.

Explanations-

I really liked her analysis and insight into the complicated reality of media influences on all aspects of our threefold self. She believes that after years of seeing stereotyped gender behaviors, which at times are directed against women, it is hard to believe in the opposite or to strive for conjunction with your spouse. She also explained that the sometimes harsh jokes and sarcasm actually may reflect reality because on t.v shows, they say things people usually think but don’t say. This in turn makes people believe it is okay to say such things, even if they are hurtful. The common portrayal of harsh jokes and sarcasm as being “normal” helps to justify them in reality.

Generation 22

By Michelle Horst Here is the link to her report:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/409b-g22-report2.htm

Summary-

This report was also focused on the threefold self and the three levels of marriage. She examines what lies underneath a couple’s arguments and disagreement, what the true problem is. Then she also goes into how a couple can prevent or overcome that, and advance to a more conjoined state. She focuses a lot on what the husband can to do better the relationship. She talks about eternal love and enlightenment.

There is a section of mini-experiment, in which she looks at her own relationship with her boyfriend and analyzes aspects of it in terms of the unity model. She classifies them according to the three models of marriage.

General Conclusion-

Ideas-

The idea here is that between a husband and a wife (or boyfriend and girlfriend), there will be disagreements that surface every once in a while. There is a reason behind this that can only be understood upon careful consideration of the threefold self. All of the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective states must be examined. There is also the idea of enlightenment and eternal love, which is a really important concept the husband should grasp.

Methods-

She uses the Lecture Notes as a guide to understanding the threefold self and how it applies to problems between the husband and wife. She also does a mini-experiment, looking at her own relationship and then analyzing it.

Explanations-

The explanation for arguments or fights between the husband and wife can be seen a lack of cognitive and affective unity. The couple may appear to be happy, but anyone can look happy, as long as they are united at the sensorimotor level. This is the case of the couple who lok happy but fight all of a sudden. They are only united at the sensorimotor level, an external bond. The sensorimotor level includes such things as participating in the same activities and physical intimacy. These things can be done without knowing each other on the cognitive or affective level. But this isn’t a good place to be because fights and arguments are inevitable with only sensorimotor connection.

She explains that in searching for a solution to this type of problem, we should focus on the husband and see if he is willing to explore the idea of eternal love and enlightenment. Without him changing the way he thinks, the problem will be extremely difficult to resolve.

Generation 23

By Linda Takahashi Here is the link to her report:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/takahashi/Takahashi-409b-g23-report2.htm

Summary-

Her report covered a relatively wide variety of topics, from power, conversational styles, dominance, interruption, to a women’s outward appearance. She explained how each of these topics were covered in the assigned readings and how they differed with opposing views. There was also a part which talked about anti-intimacy values. She examined why men were less likely than women to resist intimacy, something that is really frustrating for the woman. There were examples of what women thought about men’s resistance to intimacy. Sexual blackmail is also addressed in this report.

General Conclusion

Ideas-

There was an idea that men are much more resistant to changing their attitudes about relationships. Men are likely to seek independence even when they are involved in a committed relationship and are in love. She believes it is important to educate men about this , so that they know what women want

Method-

She examined the books carefully and analyzed them. She was also able to get ideas about what most women thought about men’s resistance to intimacy. With sexual blackmail, she was able to get information from the Lecture Notes.

Explanation-

The explanation was that one, men in fact were much more resistant to intimacy and two, most women seemed to be aware of that. Not only were they aware of this fact, some of the women seemed to see is as “normal” or “just the way it is”. There was an idea in a lot of women that it is just something they need to deal with. While I was reviewing the quotes, I came across a couple of woman who actually seemed to prefer men that way. Perhaps because it is a “masculine” characteristic, it seems to be attractive to some women.

(d) Summarize what they gained from doing there reports.

As I understood and interpreted from what I read in the student reports, there seemed to be a great gain of knowledge about the unity model of marriage and the threefold self, which I believe is applicable to so many aspects of our lives. Some of the students reported having learned so much from this assignment, and that they will probably continue to use the knowledge they have gained. Also, by examining their own personalities and relationships with their boyfriends, they seemed to have gained a greater understanding of who they are and how they can improve their relationships.

The student’s overwhelming sense of accomplishment and the feeling that they have learned a lot about themselves seems to reflect their understanding of the threefold self. I noticed this in all of the reports I examined. The threefold self can be used to learn about a lot of things, they apply to every person and relationship.

(e) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

I was familiar with most of what they were writing about, only some of them expressed ideas about those issues that had not really crossed my mind before. For example, one of the reports talked about AUV’s in the media, and the idea that a cycle continued to keep abuse against women appear as though it were “normal”. In other words, the repeated exposure to these AUV’s and hurtful behaviors toward women makes people believe that it is all okay. This is something that I have not seriously considered or thought carefully about before. But I definitely see her point and agree that it does really happen.

Although I had been aware of the importance of the threefold self, reviewing the reports made me realize how important it really is. The reports all talked about the threefold self and used it to analyze themselves and their relationships.

The Question I am answering is Question 6

(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care an Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women.

Her perspective on marriage is clearly based on the traditional view, or as we refer to in this class, the dominance model of marriage. Her views reflect the most traditional views on marriage that a lot of people have done away with years ago. It is based on the idea that men are the dominant sex in the marriage, the one with all the power and authority. She preaches people that it is important for women to not forget that, and to work hard to make their husbands happy and satisfied, even if it meant sacrificing themselves. But of course, she does not see is as sacrificing or as something that will contribute to the wife’s unhappiness. Instead, she believes that women will become happier once they stop being “selfish” and putting more effort into their husband’s care.

Her basic view on the psychology of men and women should be noted as well. She believes men are very simple and do not require or demand any more than love, affection, and the respect from their wives. She repeatedly explains in her books that men will be satisfied as long as their wives put in enough energy towards their care and show them love and affection at all times, regardless of the way the husband is acting towards her. In fact, if a husband is not showing love and affection to his wife, she is quick to assume that it is a result of the wife’s inability to satisfy him. Therefore, problems in marriage almost always seem to stem from the wife not doing something right.

The basic assumption she gives about the psychology of women is that they are the more “selfish” sex. She believes that women generally make themselves unhappy in marriages because they hold such high expectations of men and are never satisfied. She sees women as constantly wishing for more and blind to the kindness and love of their husbands. I could tell this by reading her responses to the female callers on her radio shows. After hearing what the problem is, she immediately scolds the women for not appreciating what their husbands do for them.

One part of her philosophy which really upsets me is the one that sets a higher standard for women than men on becoming a “good spouse”. In other words, it is much easier for men to be considered a “good spouse” in Dr. Laura’s eyes. The criteria for a women to be considered a “good spouse” is her ability to keep her husband happy and satisfied. But this is not an easy task, at least by Dr. Laura’s standards. The wife is expected to keep the house impeccable, cook delicious meals, look fantastic and desirable, take great care of the children, and to give her husband unlimited sex. In other words, she is expected to be a perfect mother, a wonderful housekeeper, an amazing chef, and still remain the object of the husbands sexual desire.

(b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.

Quote 1

“One thing I find very frustrating is when my wife insists on digging out an answer or opinion when I’m not ready to talk--- or I haven’t figured out how to word the issue / opinion without her personalizing it.”

Analysis

This man’s speech tells me that his affective state is motivated by the desire to maintain independence and avoid conjunction with his wife. His cognitive processes is reflected in what he writes to Dr. Laura. He thinks his wife’s effort in reaching out to him is frustrating. The fact that he chooses to use the word “digging out” suggests he thinks his wife is doing something she shouldn’t be doing, when actually the wife is just trying to achieve cognitive and affective intimacy.

The man goes on to explain why he finds it frustrating. He says that it is because he “hasn’t figured out how to word the issue / opinion without her personalizing it”. I think this is a cover up of what he is actually feeling, the desire to maintain his independence.

Quote 2

“They run around in ‘mother attire’ all the time rather than what they used to when they were out fishing for ‘father’, and this continual visual turns most men off or pushes them elsewhere…”

Analysis

First of all I would like to note that there is heavy emphasis on the wife’s appearance. The husband explains that when wives look a certain way, it “turns most men off”, suggesting there is almost a requirement that a wife must meet in order to avoid being cheated on. This emphasis on appearance tells me that the couple has not achieved cognitive or affective conjunction. The man is talking from a strictly dominant view.

In the unity model, the husband would not be upset at the way his wife looks, but if anything will try to help her. This is because the husband is able to understand the wife at the cognitive and affective level.

Quote 3

“…she would demand, ‘What are you thinking?’ ‘I’m not thinking anything, dear.’ That was never good enough, and she would spend the rest of the date sulking and planning her retribution against male domination--- or something or other….”

Analysis

I think there is a need to pay special attention to some of the words he uses regarding his wife’s actions. First, the word “demand” implies that his wife was strongly suggesting, almost pushing for him to tell her what was on his mind. I think that the wife was “asking” him what he was thinking to better understand him. This is clearly an effort at cognitive conjunction, which the husband has rejected. Then, he explains that she was “sulking and planning her retribution against male domination…”. I think “sulking” would be better explained as “saddened”, which would only seem natural considering her husband had just shut her out.

The part that explains she was “planning her retribution against male domination…” was really interesting to me because I think this is probably something the husband came up with himself. I also think the “male domination” part is true, the husband is dominating her. He is controlling her by choosing not to say anything and make her worry. He is controlling her cognitive and affective aspects of her threefold self.

Quote 4

“I believe that most men do not want to leave their wives--- they are driven out by a lack of physical love, compassion, and understanding in the area of sexuality.”

Analysis

This man is suggesting that men will sometimes want to leave their wives if she doesn’t completely satisfy his sexual desire. This is almost like the sexual blackmail we have been talking about throughout this course. His affective state is driven by the motivation to satisfy his sexual urges and to keep his wife in a submissive position.

Quote 5

“A woman would do well to understand that an honest, faithful husband who goes on a three-week hunting trip is not telling her he doesn’t love her. He just wants to kill something.”

Analysis

If this is something that the husband actually did, I would have to say that there isn’t anything okay about the situation. I think this man is just trying to keep his independence. His sensorimotor act is the action of going on a hunting trip by himself. His cognitive processes would include thoughts on how to get her to say okay, in this case, it is that he “isn’t telling her he doesn’t love her. He just wants to kill something.” These two components of the threefold self is driven by the motivation to maintain independence, felt in his affective state.

Quote 6

“Men, whether husbands or bachelors, do not share their thoughts and feelings as readily as women. We do not see any need to bother others with our feelings.”

Analysis

This man is saying that men just don’t talk about their thoughts and feelings as much as women. I think this is a disguise to hide the real reason he does not want to communicate to his wife. His affective state is motivation to be independent. His cognitive processes include thinking of the excuse to not share his feelings. His sensorimotor act is the action of avoiding communication of his thoughts and feelings.

Quote 7

“She spent twenty-five years trying to make me somebody else. Know who your husband is and accept him.”

Analysis

The husband is saying this about his wife who did not come back home with the pair of pants he wanted. She instead brought home a pair of pants which she thought would look good on him. I think the husband sees this as a threat to his independence. He does not even want to try to wear something that his wife chose for him.

The motivation behind what this man is saying is the desire to avoid being changed by his wife, and instead to maintain control over her. In a unity relationship, a husband and wife is free to influence each other and they should be open to change for one another. This is part of the intimacy which takes place on all the levels of the threefold self. This husband is preventing this intimacy by telling his wife to accept him for who he is.

Quote 8

“[My wife] feels that if she doesn’t remind me again and again, something won’t get done. It’s degrading”

Analysis

I think this man is upset because he does not want his wife to tell him what he should be doing, when actually the wife is only trying to help him out. It is a threat to his independence. His affective state is the motivation to be in control, to dominate the relationship. His cognitive processes is reflected by what he says. He thinks it is degrading. The husband has not conjoined with his wife at the cognitive level, because he does not understand what she is thinking when she reminds him to do things.

Quote 9

“I am tired of women putting all men down for wanting and needing affection. Aren’t people in love supposed to want to kiss, hug, and make love? That just makes sense to me.”

Analysis

His affective state is his motivation to satisfy his sexual urges, which he cleverly refers to as a need for “affection”. When he says that women are unfair for not giving sex to men when they want it, he is enacting a form of sexual blackmail. If he were to say this to his wife, he would be telling her that if she didn’t give him sex when he wanted, she may not be in love to begin with or that she is being selfish in not considering her husband’s needs.

His cognitive processes is governed by the motive to satisfy his sexual urges, he thinks of ways in which he can get a women to believe that they are being unfair if they don’t give him sex. This husband clearly isn’t aware of why his wife feels like she doesn’t want to have sex, when she rejects him. He may listen to her, but he does not understand her on the affective level.

Quote 10

“We need more sex, once a day is fine.”

Analysis

It is easy to see what his affective state it is. He is driven to say such a thing with only one thing in mind, sex. His affective state is the desire to have sex. His cognitive processes, thinking about sex, is driven by this motive. The sensorimotor act involves his expression of “we need more sex.”

I have to admit that although it was really interesting to read her book and analyze her perspectives on marriage, I felt extremely uncomfortable reading what she had to say. First of all, I believe there is way too much emphasis on the women’s appearance and sex. I understand it is really important to keep your husband happy but I don’t think sex is everything. And if there are men out there who think so, I think they should find something else in the marriage to motivate them. In the unity model, the husband’s motivation is his desire to become closer to his wife in all the levels of the threefold self. He also aligns his feelings with his wife’s and does not have a requirement that she must meet in order to be loved by him.

Dr. Laura’s views are in accordance with the traditional views of marriage, which places the husband before his wife. The wife is in a submissive position and does not have much say in the marriage. She is expected to obey what her husband says. Dr. Laura not only promotes this type of marriage, she tells women that it is a privilege and that they should be happy. She tells them that the couple’s happiness is dependent on her, that it is her responsibility to keep a happy marriage.

My evaluation of her view is that she is way too biased. She never seems to ask men and women the same type of questions and always has a lot more to say to the wife about being “selfish” and “ungrateful” I have to wonder if she is telling women all those things to really help them or to keep them in their miserable, submissive, and helpless positions. When I listen to her approach, I feel as though she is telling women to simply give up their own lives and to live with the sole purpose of satisfying her husband. Everything she says is from the male dominant perspective.

From the unity perspective on marriage, everything she is doing is in support of anti-unity values. She is basically promoting cognitive and affective disjunction, and telling women that is just the way things are going to be that way. She does not even explore the possibility of conjunction. A really interesting thing I would like to note is the fact that she portrays women to be the one avoiding conjunction and intimacy with her husband. She explains that women are selfish and they do not show enough affection to their husbands. She likes to talk about how women stop looking nice and paying attention to their husbands once the children arrive.

She seems to misinterpret what a lot of the wives are actually doing. For example, she often talks about women who are constantly “complaining” about things to their husbands. She does not look into why the wife is “complaining” but rather tells her that she is just taking him for granted and not appreciating his good qualities. I think it is more likely that the wife is simply trying to put forward a really important issue that they need to work out. She is trying to avoid further conflict and wants to become more intimate with her husband. But Dr. Laura would never think so.

The Question I am answering is Question 10

(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction. It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as “sexual blackmail.” Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reaction and comments?

“Sexual blackmail” as discussed in class and Lecture Notes

“Sexual blackmail” is a means of controlling the woman. When a husband performs this “sexual blackmail”, whether it is his intention or not, he is controlling his wife. In other words, it is transformed into a kind of power that the husband uses against his wife, to attain all that he wants from her. In doing so, “sexual blackmail” actually gives woman the wrong idea that it is there responsibility to continuously please her husband. It is as though her needs or desires are less important and it puts a lot of pressure on the wife. It makes her afraid that if she doesn’t please him, he will no longer be there. In any way you look at it, “sexual blackmail” is extremely harmful to the woman.

My development of this concept, from initial reaction to now

First of all, I have to admit that until I took this course, I did not exactly give this issue any careful thought. Of course, I did think about it, but it wasn’t in the critical way that I am now capable of doing now. In fact, the issue did not seem to present a problem to me, it was something “natural”. In other words, I did not think of it as “sexual blackmail”, but saw it as something people simply experience in their lives. To me, it wasn’t something to be really concerned about. There was also the cultural aspect of it. For example, I think the idea of “sexual blackmail” (in its disguised form) is tolerated more in societies where women do not have as much power as the men.

It is also true, however, that once hearing about the harmful effects of “sexual blackmail” in this course, it wasn’t very hard for me to understand why. It was almost as though I had thought about it, but was scared to admit to it. I would think that it is something that most, if not all women think about. After learning more about this issue, I felt kind of relieved that I was able to admit that it in fact is a problem and it does hurt and disadvantage women. I also feel confident that because I am aware of this, I can prevent such thing from happening to myself.

To be honest, I am kind of saddened at the fact that so many women are disadvantaged because of this. Not only that, the fact that they cannot do anything about it because they do not even realize that what they are experiencing is “sexual blackmail” is also upsetting. I think in ours and many other cultures, there is a notion that it is important for a wife to please their husbands, and to think of their happiness first. This makes women vulnerable and more susceptible to such blackmail. Besides, it is really hard to challenge values and teachings that are part of one’s culture.

Some people may think of women who try to do something about this issue as “fighting the men”. But that is not the way I see it. I just see it as challenging a wrongful idea that has become so prevalent in many societies, hurting many women as a consequence. It is simply an effort to restore the women’s rights to happiness and a wonderful marriage. It is also a woman’s effort to try to achieve unity with her husband. There is no way the couple can achieve complete unity when the husband is attempting to control his wife.

I think it is really important for women to become aware of this “sexual blackmail”. I think they need to learn about it, as we do in this course, so that they can move from the dominance model into the unity model of marriage. What I am concerned about is that there are so many people out there who are reinforcing the ideas characteristic of the dominance model. Dr. Laura often does so to her female callers on her radio show.

How my friends reacted

Anna (female)-

I got a lot of reaction from my friend Anna. She was aware of her own mixed feelings and explained that she was really interested in all of this. Most of her reaction was characterized by anger and sadness, but there was also some confusion there. She was very upset to think that many men were doing this to women. Surprisingly, she said she was very much aware of this herself, partly due to the fact that she had once had a boyfriend who was very dominating and controlling. She could relate to all of this and could even understand why a lot of women don’t even see it as something bad. She told me she had felt that way herself.

She explained to me that she had experienced a “sexual blackmail” before, but admitted that she didn’t even see it as something bad. Instead, with all the pressure building up on her, she only made an effort to please her boyfriend for fear of losing him. After a very long time with this boyfriend, she learned her lesson and was finally able to move on. Now, she makes sure that whoever she dates does not take advantage of her. “But I think it’s really hard for women to realize it even is sexual blackmail. They just won’t know” is what she told me a number of times during our conversation.

When I asked her what she thought women should do if they were to experience such a thing, she explained a concern quite similar to mine. “Oh, they have do something about it, that’s for sure. They can’t just take it, they have to become powerful” she said. She was also concerned at the fact that men a lot of times prefer women who just listen to them and do things for them. So if they were to challenge that, even with the intention of becoming closer to her boyfriend/husband, the men might see it as something bad.

Ken (male)-

One of the biggest differences between Anna and Ken is that Ken simply had a harder time understanding everything I was explaining to him. He understood what I was telling him but I am unsure whether he was able to process that information on a deeper level. For a very long time, he didn’t even understand or want to see why certain behaviors may be considered “sexual blackmail”. He also began defending himself, claiming that he had never done something like that to his girlfriend.

After a number of attempts at getting him to understand the concept, he finally seemed to understand why it is called “sexual blackmail”. But even after understanding it, he was confident that men don’t do it intentionally. He was positive that men do things like that sometimes but he was sure that they did not know what they were doing. In other words, they had no intention whatsoever on harming women in any way, and they don’t necessarily see it as a way of control.

My interpretation of my friends reactions

It was really interesting listening to what each of my friends had to say about “sexual blackmail”. I was surprised at how different their responses were, but I am able to see why. Judging from what I learned from my friends, there are extreme differences in gender. Anna was simply relating to her own experience and could understand things very well. Ken, on the other hand wasn’t even sure about everything I was talking about. Even after he told me he understood, there seemed to be some uncomfortable feeling present.

I am able to see why Ken doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to admit that men sometimes do such things. I believe some of it is because they were raised with the belief that it is okay to do something like that. It isn’t even a big deal, although I think it should be.

(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics: housework, jealousy, and a third area of your choosing.

Housework

This is Table 2

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

SENSORIMOTOR

(external)

COGNITIVE

(internal)

AFFECTIVE

(inmost)

level 3

UNITY

Rational

Mentality

RATIONAL

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

Pleasure felt from knowing partner is happy because you are doing some of the chores

Ex. Pleasure felt from doing housework for the wife, from seeing that wife is happy

RATIONAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Thinking of how you can help your wife out with the household chores

Ex. The husband thinks of how he can help her out with the housework so that she is happier and they are able to come closer

RATIONAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

Motivated to do housework because you can feel your wife is overburdened

Ex. Motivated to tidy things up around the house to show his wife that he cares

level 2

EQUITY

Sensuous

Mentality

SENSOUS

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

Pleasure felt from “helping” the wife out with household chores

Ex. The husband feels pleasure in the fact that he accomplished something around the house, not because his wife is happy

SENSUOUS

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Thoughts assessing whether help is needed.

Ex. The husband thinks about whether he should “help” his wife out again

SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES

Motivated to help partner out but

for personal gain

Ex. Motivated to do things around the house only to use that as an excuse later on

level 1

DOMINANCE

Corporeal

Mentality

CORPOREAL

SENSORIMOTOR

ACTS

Pleasure felt from not having to do anything around the house. Wife does everything around the house

Ex. Husband is watching TV and is resting while his wife does the household chores

CORPOREAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Thoughts about how to keep getting wife to do all the housework. How to avoid it all

Ex. The husband is planning what to say as an excuse or how to fight back when his wife asks him to help

CORPOREAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

Motivated to keep all household responsibilities on wife

Ex. The husband feels he wants to keep his wife being in the submissive position she is in right now

*Housework-

I think housework is a good topic to cover in this table because it is a common topic. I think it is possible for everybody to relate with it, either with themselves or what they have witnessed their parents do. After filling the table with examples, I have come to understand the threefold self and the three models of marriage much better.

When I was working on the examples the dominance model, I immediately thought of my cousin and her husband. They both come from a traditional Japanese family and the husband is very dominating. Examining the way they act when they are at home, I can see so many aspects of their relationship influenced by the dominance model. Especially when it comes to housework, my cousin’s husband believes it has nothing to do with him. He will not even consider the idea of helping my cousin out. He believes that it is a woman’s job.

Not only does he not help, he even likes to relax, watch T.V., and generally have a good time while she is doing all of the housework. And when he wants her to get something, he will stay where he is and point to the object or worse, yell for her to get it. I think it is kind of sad because they are not even near the equity model. He does not help her out a bit, or even pretend to. He just does what he wants to, when he wants to.

Jealousy

This is Table 3

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

SENSORIMOTOR

(external)

COGNITIVE

(internal)

AFFECTIVE

(inmost)

level 3

UNITY

Rational

Mentality

RATIONAL

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

No actions which may cause jealousy is experienced because there is trust

RATIONAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Thinking or knowing that your spouse will never do anything to hurt you. Thinking that you trust your spouse

RATIONAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

Feeling that they don’t need anything else because they have each other. Trust. There really isn’t a problem with jealousy

level 2

EQUITY

Sensuous

Mentality

SENSOUS

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

Pleasure is felt from making partner jealous OR the husband may express his jealousy but with the hidden intention of maintaining control

SENSUOUS

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

The husband may think of ways to get the wife from doing anything that makes him jealous. May think of manipulative techniques

SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES

Motivated to control his wife and keep her where he wants her to be but disguises this intention so that it is unknown to the wife

level 1

DOMINANCE

Corporeal

Mentality

CORPOREAL

SENSORIMOTOR

ACTS

Performing actions which are purposefully targeted at making your spouse jealous OR physically preventing wife from being around other men because of jealousy. Physically controlling her actions.

CORPOREAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Thinking of ways to make your spouse jealous OR The husband thinking about how he can keep his wife away from other men. Manipulating his wife in ways that she will believe everything he says

CORPOREAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

Motivated to making spouse jealous OR

The husband is motivated to keep his wife in control

*Jealousy-

I have to admit that jealousy was a harder topic to work on than the topic of housework. I think this is because jealousy is a universally experienced but very complicated emotion, involving other emotions such as sadness, anger, or love. Not only that, one cannot actually “see” jealousy. Sure, you may be able to tell when one of your friends are jealous by what they say and other cues such as facial expressions, but those cues may be misleading and may not represent the actual subjective experience of the individual.

I thought of my really good friend when I was working on this topic. I think in relation to jealousy, her and her boyfriend are definitely in the dominance model. The boyfriend is constantly doing things that he knows will make my friend jealous. He will go out with a bunch of his female friends without taking his girlfriend with him, even though she tells him that she is always worried about him when he does this. The boyfriend does not seem to care and does not respond to her concern.

The two of them had a really big problem one time when the boyfriend insisted that he wanted to hang out with his female friends while she was away on a trip with her sister. The problem was not only that the friends were female, it was the fact that he had really liked one of the girls before and had made out with her while he was broken up with my friend. She got extremely upset and ended up making him promise that he would not see them while she was away. In relation to what we have learned in class, I think of what he did as a way of maintaining his independence. The fact that he will go out with his female friends even after being told that she didn’t like it, tells me that his independence is much more important to him than making his girlfriend feel comfortable and secure. This is characteristic of the dominance model.

I think during the dominance stage, there is a lot of jealousy experienced. I think these may be intentional sometimes, such as doing things you know will make your spouse jealous. This is something we should expect in the dominance stage because the husband and the wife are not conjoined. There is still too much focus on the individual, rather than the two of them as a couple.

Communication

This is Table 4

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

SENSORIMOTOR

(external)

COGNITIVE

(internal)

AFFECTIVE

(inmost)

level 3

UNITY

Rational

Mentality

RATIONAL

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

Husband and wife both communicate in ways that is preferable to the both of them

RATIONAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

Husband and wife are able to communicate about issues without a disagreement

RATIONAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

Husband and wife are able to communicate with their feelings aligned

level 2

EQUITY

Sensuous

Mentality

SENSOUS

SENSORIMOTOR ACTS

Husband talks to his wife in a way that is preferable or acceptable to his wife.

SENSUOUS

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

The husband thinks of way to talk to his wife in a way she prefers so that she will in turn do things for him

SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES

Husband is motivated by his desire to keep his wife under control and to get her to do things for her. (This intention is hidden from the wife)

level 1

DOMINANCE

Corporeal

Mentality

CORPOREAL

SENSORIMOTOR

Husbands manner of speech is very “masculine” He is controlling, ordering, and manipulating the wife through communication

The husband may say “get me that” in a non-caring and authoritative way when he wants something

CORPOREAL

COGNITIVE

PROCESSES

The husband may think of ways to be more controlling (to keep her in a submissive state) and think before he talks to her.

CORPOREAL

AFFECTIVE

STATES

The husband is motivated to keep his wife under control. This comes out in both the cognitive and sensorimotor aspects of his threefold self.

*Communication

There are several aspects of communication I would like to explore in relation to the threefold self and the unity model of marriage. First is way in which the couple talks or verbally communicates to each other, including such things as tone of voice, choice of words, facial expressions, and the intention. By intention I am talking about the real meaning to the conversation. What is the real underlying meaning to the husbands kind words? Are there any?

In the dominance model, communication is used as power and is a method of control. There may be verbal abuse and manipulative speech, aimed at maintaining the wife at a submissive state. Through communication, we may see the husbands efforts at maintaining his independence. His conversational style reflects disjunction. There is also a lot of ordering around, controlling, and manipulating. I think it is really important to understand that in the dominance model, the communication itself can lead to even more disjunction, depending on what the husband is willing to do and how motivated the wife is.

In the equity model, I still believe there to be manipulation and planning in the conversations. The husband may change his communication style to one that his wife prefers, but with the intention of controlling her future actions. For example, he may say some things which he knows will make her happy to get something from her later, like sex.

The situation is really different in the unity model, in which the husband communicates to his wife in a way she prefers, to make her happy. I don’t think this is really a challenge for the husband because in the unity model, the couple has already achieved unity in all the levels of the threefold self. A really important aspect of communication in relation to the unity model is that the communication is aimed at and achieves conjunction, not disjunction like in the dominance model.

With communication, I thought of my cousin and her husband again. As I mentioned above, they are very much in the dominance model of marriage and my cousin puts up with a lot of her husbands controlling behaviors. When they communicate to each other, there is always a lot of stress and tension in their voices. This is partly because the husband does not show any affection for her when he talks to her. Instead, he talks to her like he doesn’t even care about her that much, like she is just someone he lives with. I always find it very upsetting to hear him talk to her like that.

Another thing I noticed about them in regards to communication is that he expresses his independence through his words and tone of voice. For example, if she were to ask him whether he was going to eat dinner at home, he will answer “I’m going out to dinner with my friends”. I see this as clearly being anti-unity. First of all, by saying that, he is letting her know that he has already made up his mind to do so and she doesn’t have any say in this issue. While she is trying her best to make him happy (since she was ready to make whatever he wanted to eat for dinner), he responds coldly and rejects her efforts at conjunction.

(d) Discuss what these data show or prove

No matter what the area of marriage we are looking at, similar things are happening in each of the three models. In the dominance model, the husband is motivated by the desire to maintain his independence and keep his wife under his control. This affective state is then reflected in the cognitive and sensorimotor states as well. In other words, his thoughts and actions will be governed by his motivation to be independent and control his wife.

Things are a little better in the equity model. In the affective state, the husband is motivated by his desire to be more equal with his wife, but just because he feels he needs to because the two are married. And sometimes it is because he still has the desire to get things from his wife. He disguises his intention of attaining services from her with his efforts at kindness and understanding (at least more than the dominance model).

In the unity model, the kindness and understanding reflected in the husbands actions and thoughts are the result of a changed affective state. The husband is now spiritually enlightened and chooses to act in ways his wife prefers. The motivation which was to control and dominate, as was seen in the dominance and equity model, has shifted to achieving unity in all levels. The husband is now making an effort to align his feelings with his wife’s and to conjoin with her.

The Question I am answering is Question 13

(a) & (b) What people are saying on the Web

Dr. Laura Schlessinger-

It was relatively easy to find information on the Web about Dr. Laura, a lot people seemed to have something to say about her. On the positive side, people explained that her advice was very valuable, helpful, and meaningful. There were people who even suggested that her ideas were very common sense. They also explained that because her values are based on morals, she knows what is right and what is wrong.

On the other hand, there were people who held really negative views about her. People mentioned her personal life, and how some things she does goes against what she preaches to others. For example, they mentioned the fact that she has had extramarital affairs, has dated a man with three children, and posed for a nude picture. Divorce, pornography, and extramarital affairs are exactly the type of things she opposes, yet she does not seem to refrain from such things herself. One other issue which seemed of great concern to those opposing her, was the fact that she does not have a PhD in Psychology (she has a PhD in Physiology) yet still calls herself “doctor” and attempts to help people with problems.

There were also a lot of people who wrote about what they thought of her personality. Her ability to help people and her straightforwardness was the positive side of what people wrote about her. But that wasn’t it. People who are angry with her explained that she was too preachy, insensitive, and blunt. In relation to her radio shows, they mentioned that she hardly ever let the callers finish talking about there problems. Instead of listening to them, she immediately judged, and tried to force her ideas onto them. One of the biggest problems people seemed to have about Dr. Laura was the fact that she makes comments and attacks on homosexuals.

Deborah Tannen-

Although I was able to find information on her with relative ease, I did not find too much information which expressed opinion on her. There seemed to be an agreement that she is a very good sociolinguist, and that a lot the information she offered to people are in fact really helpful. I also did get a sense of feeling that people thought that she holds the key to improvements in our communication and ultimately, a more successful relationship. What I found on Deborah Tannen was very different to what I found when I looked up Dr. Laura Schlessinger in that people did not seem to dislike her. I did not find any information which opposed her views.

Joshua Coleman-

Unfortunately, I was not able to find too much information on Joshua Coleman, except that he is an expert in advising people on issues of parenting, couples, families, and relationships. Possibly because of the fact that I wasn’t able to find anything except his own website, I could not get an idea about whether people thought his ideas were good or bad.

Emanuel Swedenborg-

I got a sense of feeling that people thought of him as very important person and that his beliefs were very sacred. I found people saying that he was a genius. I found many people who wrote positive things about him and his accomplishments. I was not able to find anybody who said that they did not like Swedenborg.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger-

Yes, I definitely think that Dr. Laura is a very influential person, but both positively and negatively. Those that do support her seem to take her advices very seriously and make changes in their lives according to what she told them to do. I am not sure whether all of her supporters find happiness after doing so, but regardless, this is proof that she has strong influence on people’s lives. As for the people who are against her, even thought their reactions and behaviors are directed against her, I think she is influential in that she is driving them to actually work against her.

Deborah Tannen-

I would say that Deborah Tannen does have a lot of influence on people because she has written some books that have stayed on the best seller list for a very long time. Also due to the fact that I wasn’t able to find people who said they didn’t agree with her views, I am assuming that most people do agree with her or accept and incorporate her ideas. I was also able to find information on the internet that she has been guests on popular T.V and radio shows, and has even written in a lot of major magazines and newspapers. It explained that she has lectured in many places around the world and besides her books, has published essays, short stories, and even poetry. When I searched her name on the internet, I was able to find a lot of her essays, quotes, and even a site which featured her real interviews which could be listened to. Her book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, was a New York Times Bestseller for four years.

Joshua Coleman-

Just from the information I found about him on the internet, I would not be able to say for a fact whether he really is influential or not. Yet, I think it is okay to say that he is influential because of the fact that his books seem to be pretty popular and because his advice has been in many newspapers and magazines.

Emanuel Swedenborg-

Not too long after I began searching for Swedenborg’s information, I was able to see how influential he is. People wrote that he has great philosophical and religious influence and has impacted people greatly. People talked about how much he has contributed. Because I was not familiar with Swedenborg until I began taking this course, I must say that I was surprised at how much information was able on him. It really made me wonder why I have never heard of him before. When I looked him up on the Web, the list was endless, it just continued on and on. I was able to find much more information on him than any of the other people.

(d) Popularity

Dr. Laura Schlessinger-

I would say that she is popular because she does have a lot of fans supporters, as well as many who are against her. When I searched her on the internet, it was very easy to find information on her. A lot of the information I found about her were negative, but there were also a lot of sites that featured her advices. I would say that there was almost an equal amount of negative and positive messages about her. But some of the negative messages were very determined to let people know that her advice was not worth listening to or following. I even found one site that talked about having protests to work towards the cancellation of her T.V. show, which actually was cancelled. Another reason why I believe her to be popular is because she has a lot of advice books out, some of which are very popular.

Deborah Tannen-

I would say that she really is popular. This is because I was able to find a lot of information about her, but at the same time, I did not come across any criticisms about her or her ideas. I am guessing that many people like her.

Joshua Coleman-

I am not quite sure about Joshua Coleman’s popularity. I did not find anything that really showed support for him, but at the same time I did not find anything that went against him. Although he may not be as popular as the others , I would say that he still seems to have some popularity and support, especially in his books.

Emanuel Swedenborg-

I would definitely say that Swedenborg is really popular. Looking at the information I found on him, it was clear to me that many people take him an his ideas very seriously. I got a sense that so many people were in support of him. There is no doubt about his popularity.

(e) My reactions

If I had come across all of this information before taking this course and becoming familiar with the authors, I think many things would have surprised me. But now that I am familiar, I think all of it was pretty much what I had expected. I am able to see why I got the kind of results I got. I am a bit surprised, however, at how little I was able to find on Joshua Coleman. As with what I found out about Dr. Laura, although I had expected something similar to what I found, I was still surprised about some of the facts I couldn’t have come across unless I had actually searched her on the Web. I thought it was all very interesting.

(f) My friend’s reactions

I discussed the authors and their ideas with two of my closest friends. Here are the results:

Anna (female)-

As I talked about all of these with my friend Anna, I could immediately see that she was really uncomfortable with some of Dr. Laura’s views. She explained, however, that a lot of women did in fact think this way. One of the really interesting things she said was that she thought a lot of what Dr. Laura had to say was part of the culture. She believes that such views are deeply embedded into our culture that it wasn’t something you can just do away with.

Anna was raised in Japan, and because of that she was able to see a similarity in Dr. Laura’s views and the Japanese culture. She explained that although many Americans may think like that, the ideas are more prevalent in the Japanese culture. As surprised as she was that a women was saying all of this, she could relate to it because it is close to what people are taught to believe in Japan. She seemed to really like the ideas of Swedenborg and thought that the ideas of Coleman and Tannen could also be really helpful to people. Tannen’s work seemed to appeal to her a lot, and she explained that it would be great if people can all learn from her to communicate better in relationships.

Ken (male)-

My friend Ken thought all of the four people’s ideas were very interesting and could be of some help to people. He said that the ideas of Swedenborg were a little harder to understand than the rest, but was interesting. He did not necessarily seem to be upset with any of the views, including Dr. Laura’s.

Advice to Future Generations

In order to succeed in this course, I think it will be really helpful to keep an open mind. Things may not be really clear to you at first but be patient and you will start seeing things clearer. It is also really important to not procrastinate. Especially in writing the reports, you want to make sure you have plenty of time to think, plan, and organize before you actually write it out. They require a lot of thinking and time is needed. Be sure to start ahead of time.

In this course, you will be exposed to new concepts and methods of understanding marriage, which I believe will be extremely beneficial for both men and women. It will make you see marriage in a totally different light, one that is very positive, beautiful, and pure. It is up to each to student to decide what to make out of their new knowledge, but I know that I will use what I have gained in this class to strive for a unity model of marriage.

Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/montague/montague-home.htm