Psy 409b, 03/12/06

Proper Communication and Remembering to be a Girl

By Jessica Pettit

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger (Harper/Collins Publishers, 2001), pages 110-123

Instructions for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James

v Women’s Overanalysis of Men

Ø Men are not that complicated, what they say should be take at face value

Ø Women need to respect that just because a guy has different ways of doing something does not equate their behavior as “inadequate”

v Common Communication Mistakes Women Make with their Husbands

Ø Dropping subtle hints when they want something and getting frustrated when their husbands don’t understand their “hint”

Ø Expecting their husbands to know the difference between venting and wanting advice

§ Men look for solutions, how are they supposed to know when they should just be listening?

Ø Not communicating correctly by nagging or expecting their husband to be a mind reader

§ Women need to let their needs and wants be know without nagging

§ i.e. Hold his hand and say, “We need to discuss something very important to me.”

Ø Assuming your husband is uncaring before he even acts as though he is

§ Instead women need to be direct so that their husbands won’t resent it when they are manipulated into spending time with or doing something for them

Ø Leading up to a subject instead of starting with it

§ Hints are often hard to follow, so once again, be direct

Ø Expecting men to know what they did wrong

§ Giving the silent treatment and saying “nothing” is wrong will not help a problem that the husband is unaware of

v Husbands Don’t Intentionally Irritate

Ø Women need to understand that their husbands are intentionally trying to irritate them, it’s just how the wives are interpreting their actions and behaviors… incorrectly

Ø Wives, instead, need to think positive and believe that their husbands have their welfare in mind

Ø Do not keep score with “gotcha” points of compliments, concentrate on giving rather then nagging about receiving

v A Husband’s List for Women who want to Communicate Better

Ø Honesty instead of manipulation

Ø Sincere short requests instead of complicated ones

Ø Treat your husband like an expert (ego-boost)

Ø Ask in a loving manner and reward with appreciation, approval, affection, and/or admiration

Ø Distractions occur, so if wives need to repeat a request, do it in the same loving manner

v Be A Girl (wives)

Ø Don’t contract the “frump syndrome”

§ Flannel pajamas

§ Sweatpants and oversized shirts

§ Not shaving legs; not washing/styling/combing hair

§ Taking off instead of freshening up your makeup for you husband

§ Using the toilet with him in the room

§ Never putting on sexy outfits or never using perfume or body oil

Ø It’s hard to romance a ‘hag’ (woman caller’s advice)

§ What attracts men to women is their femininity

· Appearance and behaviors

Ø Romancing is a two-way street, ladies

§ Women need to tune out themselves and tune in to their husbands wants

§ Throw out all the annoyances and treat him desirable

Related Links

“The Secret to Motivating a Husband” http://www.family.org/married/comm/a0035307.cfm This article discusses the problem that most husbands and wives have with their communication. It’s not that husbands don’t love their wives; it’s that they get discouraged if their wives aren’t showing or acting like they respect him.

“On Listening and Other Rare, Exotic habits” http://www.family.org/married/comm/a0025578.cfm  This article describes what men (contrasting to Dr. Laura) need to do to fulfill the needs of their wives. Instead of offering advice or trying to fix a problem, men should show their wives that they understand and/ or care about the way they are feeling.

“'New Wives' look at Generation X and ask: why?” http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/01/23/1074732597940.html?from=storyrhs This article describes the new trend of women who are educated and could have a job, but choose otherwise in order to stay home, have sex, and be pretty for their husbands. The article references Dr. Laura’s book, “Like the authors who came before her, Dr Laura, as she is known to the fans who tune into the 500 stations that carry her program, says there are no secrets to a happy marriage. On the contrary, the solutions to your problems are obvious: just be nicer to your guy.”

My Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/pettit/pettit-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm