Psy 409b, 03/28/06

Psy 409b, 03/28/06

The Three Types of Marriages

By Jessica Pettit

The Lazy Husband by Joshua Coleman (St. Martin's Press, 2005), Pages 72-99.

Instructions for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Traditional Marriages:

Women are the primary caretakers of the home and children
Men are the breadwinners
Husband “helps” his with parenting and housework but does not “participate” equally
Children should be priority over career for the woman

Example: Mom is a homemaker and dad is the breadwinner who decides how money will be spent. Dad makes sure the cars work and is good at fixing things. Mom runs the household and is good at cooking and parenting.
Advantages: Specialized roles means there is less room for misinterpretation over who does what. Also may provide a more warm atmosphere at home
Disadvantages: Less bargaining power for women. Women may not learn important negotiating skills. Women may begin to feel resentment toward the household arrangement.

Transitional Marriages:

Wife has the right to a career, but still needs to put children before her work, meaning she will have to make adjustments if there are conflicts
Man wants to be an involved father
Woman controls parenting and household
Man is still “helping” his wife rather than “participating”

Example: Mom and dad both have jobs. Dad is involved in his child’s life, but mom is constantly supervising how dad “parents” their child. Mom and dad argue over the work that needs to be done in the household and how to parent the kids.
Advantages: Women can contribute financially to the family and dad is more active with his children
Disadvantages: Ambiguous roles lead to arguing over who does what, and how parenting should be carried out. Mixes messages may be sent because the women wants her husband to help out, yet also wants to control how he helps out.

Egalitarian Marriages:

Woman has right to a career and will provide family income
Assumption is not made that wife is a better parent over the husband
Husbands wants to be active in his children’s lives and considers his contribution equal to his wife’s
Both parents are equally responsible for making adjustments with work for scheduling conflicts (i.e. doctor’s appointments)

Example: Both mom and dad are educated and have careers. They agree to equal division of housework and parenting.
Advantages: Woman contributes to the household financially and father is equally responsible for childcare and housework.
Disadvantages: While the man agrees to do equal work, he may not follow through. This causes resentment. Tasks are also commonly gender divided. Men do the car repairs and yard work, while women do housework. Arguments arise over wife and husband having different “standards” of work.

Mixed Marriages:

Traditional man and transitional women

Causes problems if the woman wants to get job and husband resists change and refuses to do anything for the family other than work
Wife should try to get her husband to understand that she wants to make a greater contribution to the family, rather than making him feel inadequate.

Traditional man and egalitarian woman

May work peacefully until children become an issue
Traditional man often feels threatened by his lack of economic power over an egalitarian wife
Women increases her autonomy when husband tries to increase his control
This type of marriage is often very problematic

Transitional man and egalitarian woman

Arguments arise over husbands not doing “enough” work, although they are contributing somewhat
Man still believe that mothers are irreplaceable, while the woman thinks her husband can do just as well as herself with parenting

Conclusion: It is important for couples to come to an arrangement that that they both feel good about. Although every arrangement has its own “give and takes”, it is found that when men contribute more to childcare generally feel better about themselves, as do their wives. The household arrangement should be negotiated with the purpose of both partners being happy about the outcome.

This website describes a book written by Bebe Moore Campbell about egalitarian marriages. The book includes information about the author’s own marriage, as well as interviews with over 40 couples. The book is divided into three parts describing what goes wrong within these types of marriages, with the last section describing how to improve the situation couples often find themselves in (emphasizing communication).

“Dream Job: Stay at home mom” http://www.salary.com/careers/layouthtmls/crel_display_Cat10_Ser253_Par358.html This website is actually career oriented, yet is describes the typical life of a stay at home mom. The description points out how difficult this unpaid “labor of love”, using examples such as moms never having sick days and providing information about the salaries these moms would make provided they were being paid for the roles they carried (teacher, child care worker, cook, etc.)

“Sole Breadwinners Face Special Work-Life Angst” http://www.careerjournal.com/columnists/workfamily/20031017-workfamily.html This article describes how the ideal working father and stay at home mom family arrangement has begun to part from reality. The article describes how husbands are fighting to make enough money for their family, often at the expense of spending time with their families. With jobs no longer being your typical 9-5 hours, husbands are working longer and missing out on quality time with their families.

My Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/pettit/pettit-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm