Report 1

Monitoring Anti-Unity Values in the Media

By Skip Saito

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report1.htm

ANTI UNITY VALUES (AUV’S)

This Table is from: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209

1. Living together unmarried

2. Having children out of wedlock

3. Making each other jealous on purpose

4. Adultery for various reasons

5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in

competition for certain things

8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in

competition for certain things

9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without

their partners

10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other

reason)

11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12. Manipulating partner through deception

13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but

should accept them with their faults, etc.

15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their

gender

19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women

should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter

what, being dominant, etc.)

22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he

apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and

she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is

being "unreasonable" etc.)

Relation to the Unity Model of Marriage:

The unity model of marriage is a timeline in a marriage that set in such a way that if followed, will assure you a marriage that will last for eternity. This model requires a lot of time and understanding from both husband and wife. There is one underlying factor in the unity model of marriage and that is for the husband to be willing to drop all of the stereotypical standards that are put forth for “men”. The husband has to be willing to let go of his dominance role and to put himself in a position where his wife is his “everything”. The anti unity values are put forth because if a couple is to reach the unity stage in their marriage, they have to be able to say and show that none of the above pertains to them. If any of these values relate to a marriage, the couple is not fully in an affective, unity marriage. The anti unity values pretty much speak for itself.

Emanuel Swedenborg believes that if a marriage is to reach the unity stage, the couple has conjugial love for each other and will remain together in the afterlife. He has experienced the heavens and the hells personally and has observed the relationships there. According to Swedenborg, if a couple has a unified marriage, no matter what happens, they will be together in the afterlife. Even if one dies earlier, which is in most cases, he/she will be waiting in heaven for their spouse. When both of them finally reach heaven, they will then enter the “marriage heaven” where they will be together for eternity.

Putting AUV’s into perspective:

A good example that is common in lots of marriages is the notion of “accepting your spouse as you met him or her” (number 14). This is apparent because no one, especially men, don’t want to be changed. Men, especially don’t want a woman to tell them how to dress, what to do, or who to be friends with. There are often times when the husband has to change for the betterment of the relationship, but according to the unity model of marriage, that shouldn’t be the case. If a couple is in a marriage that is in the unity model, they both have to be willing to change themselves for the betterment of each other. What the unity model of marriage states is that the wife is already changing herself from the beginning so it is up to the husband to get out of his dominance, or macho, role and to change for his wife.

Just by reading over the list of anti unity values, some leave you thinking, “do I really have to feel this way?” but for the most part the others are pretty straightforward. Most of these values are grounds for separation or divorce. Adultery, retaliation, flirting, or even manipulation, are all things that could lead your wife or husband to leave you. The one thing to remember is that if you were in a unity marriage, you wouldn’t even think about any of those things. As a husband, your number one priority is your wife.

The Dominator:

As stated in the unity model of marriage, the first model of marriage is the dominance model. In this model, the marriage is based on reward and punishment. The couple has yet to reach the cognitive and affective levels of conjoining, they are at the sensorimotor level. They have not gotten out of the stage where their thoughts and feelings are conjoined. In this model, there are lots of fluctuations between intimacy and hostility. One day you could be celebrating your wedding anniversary, the next you could be fighting about something, and the following day you make up and express your love for one another. This model has a lot to deal with the husband. The husband is not willing to give up lots of things that were important to him throughout his male life. Men are embedded with a dominance attitude that they are superior to women and that things should revolve around them. AUV’s 16-23 are good examples of what could occur in this model. As you will see later, in order to reach the unity model, the husband has to be able to contradict all of the anti unity values.

Equality is not the way to go:

The second model in the unity model of marriage is Equity. This is a huge step up from the dominance model. In this model, husband and wife experience their marriage through negotiation and agreement. This creates a link between the two because they are now able to create similar ideas and beliefs and can have a similar reasoning process. They are able to negotiate and come to consensual agreements. This allows them to get along better and to understand each other on a different level. They can also influence each other on different ideas and discussions. However, there are still arguments and disagreements. The husband still verbally abuses his wife and is not willing to change himself for the benefit of his wife. The husband is able to go back into the dominance level that causes no equity in the marriage. As I explained earlier, AUV 14 is a huge factor in determining whether the marriage is in the unity model or not.

GENERATION 23 ON AUV’S

Generation 23 students were asked to: (a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists two dozen AUV's – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama.  (b) Select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage.  (c) Now describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions.  (d) What are your reactions to these observations?  (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions are portrayed so often?  (f) What might be the consequences for couples and society?  (g) Anything else you have to say.

Emilee Patinio:

I found a very well written report prepared by Emilee Patinio. She found three T.V. shows that related to the anti unity values and critiqued them all with great detail. The three shows were, “Rosanne”, “Friends”, and “Living Single”.

Emilee was trying to show that in one scene of a show, you could find several anti unity values. She chose a scene that involved three AUV’s and then broke the scene down in relation to the threefold self. Her method was excellent in the fact that she was well organized and had very important, well thought out explanations.

Wives know best!!:

In this particular episode, Rosanne, the mother, decides to take her daughters boyfriend in to their house because his mother was physically and mentally abusive. The catch to all of this is that Rosanne acted without consulting with her husband, Dan. Dan gets very angry with Rosanne for not discussing the issue with him before acting but finally realizes the magnitude of the situation and sides with his wife.

The three AUV’s that Emilee found in this situation were: living together unmarried (Darlene and David), Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women (Dan to Roseanne), and Making it look like what women say and think as less important (Dan to Roseanne).

Emilee concluded that Rosanne and Dan’s marriage was in the equity model. They were able to come to an agreement however, with some arguing. She stated that, “If they were united Dan would have known Roseanne would not make such a decision to jeopardize their relationship”. She also enlightened that fact that this was a prime example of the AUV, making it look like what women say and think as less important. Men are always viewed as the dominant species of the household and in this episode; Dan immediately viewed Rosanne’s decision as irrational. This made it seem like his dominance was threatened.

Men are dogs!!:

Emilee’s second show was “Friends”. In this episode, Rachael (girlfriend) wants to take a small break in her relationship with Ross (boyfriend). After a couple of days, she realizes what a big mistake she has made and wants to get back together with Ross. She goes over to his house and finds him with another woman. Rachael ends up really breaking up with Ross.

The AUV’s that Emilee found in this episode were: Making each other jealous on purpose, adultery for various reasons, promiscuity, and flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason).

Her conclusion was that Rachael did the right thing. Ross needs to work out some issues because obviously he wasn’t a loyal companion in the relationship. The couple were together for a while and had gotten through the dominance model but now they are right back to square one and can’t have trust in their relationship. This is a good example that some of the AUV’s could ruin or even end your relationships or marriages.

Living Single, not for long!!:

The final show that Emilee discussed was, “Living Single”. This episode was about Max finding out that she is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, Kyle. He moved away and is coming back to visit. Max doesn’t want to tell him that the baby is his but Kyle finds out anyway and takes full responsibility.

She mentioned the obvious AUV’s that were encountered: Having children out of wedlock, separate interests and activities accepted for partners, and lying to the partner in general.

Emilee was correct in stating that this couple is the farthest away from unity. They deny being with each other, lie, and sleep with other people but still remain friends and care for each other. They are having a child together and already have separate lives. This is a situation of disaster.

Reactions:

I thought that Emilee covered everything very well. I agree with all of her findings and could have not explained it better. She clearly diagnosed this show to great detail and understood the aspects involved that pertained to the unity model of marriage. I personally wouldn’t have noticed any of this prior to taking this class. The media has a strong influence on the population. You can relate each of Emilee’s discussions to today’s society. There are lots of children being abused, cheating or adultery, and pre-marital pregnancies or single parents. It puts a lot of things into perspective that I will now notice in my relationship as well as others.

Christina Ramirez:

The second report that I found from G23 was from Christina Ramirez. She discussed three T.V. shows, “Gilmore Girls”, “Desperate Housewives”, and “The George Lopez Show”. She failed to list the AUV’s that were involved in each show but it was apparent to which values were mistreated. Her discussions were well organized and she expressed her feelings toward each situation.

The Dreaded Ex!!:

In this episode of “Gilmore Girls”, a wife finds out that her husband was having lunch with his ex girlfriend for more that 20 years. She felt very betrayed and wanted a separation. The husband, however, felt that he did nothing wrong and thought that he was just having lunch with an old friend.

The AUV’s that were found in this show were: Adultery for various reasons, Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things, Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason).

Christina had sort of a bias towards this topic. She related this situation to herself because she is married. Of course she is going to be totally against this because she is taking the side of the wife. Don’t get me wrong. What the husband did was wrong and considered adultery in some aspect. However, I feel that this type of situation could have been talked about more in depth. She could have discussed the relation to the unity model of marriage and state what level or model they are in and what needs to be improved. In this show, this couple is obviously in the dominance model of marriage. The husband is only thinking about his own feelings and doesn’t take in to consideration his wife. He knows deep down inside that if he told his wife earlier, she would have never let it happen. He obviously still has feelings for his ex girlfriend and is using his wife.

No attention leads to no LOVE!!:

The second show that Christina viewed was “Desperate Housewives”. This particular episode was about a wife sleeping around on her husband because she feels that she isn’t getting any attention. Her husband works long hours and fails to give his wife the attention that she deserves.

The AUV’s that were apparent in this show were: Making each other jealous on purpose, Adultery for various reasons, Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason), Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

Christina explained that communication was what this relationship was missing. The wife should have told her husband how she was feeling instead of retaliating by sleeping around. The husband should have been able to tell what was wrong with his wife. What was not mentioned was that the husband shouldn’t have, in the first place got married if his number one priority in his life was work. If a marriage is to reach the unity model, the husband has to but his wife first.

Men have feelings too!!:

Christina’s final show was “The George Lopez Show”. The episode that she talks about has to deal with in-laws. George’s mother lives with him and his family. George gets into a fight with her and wants her to leave their house. George’s wife tells him that she has nowhere to go and that she wants her to stay. He offers an ultimatum of, he stays or she stays. The wife told him to leave and he went to live with a friend.

Some AUV’s that were apparent in this show were: Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things, and Separate interests and activities accepted for partners.

This one was had to grasp. Christina stated that the wife should have sided with the husband and that she should have recognized that her husband has feelings also. This is true in the fact that she shouldn’t have chosen her mother in-law over her own husband but it shouldn’t have been like that in the first place. Anytime that you bring your parents in to your household it could put a strain or pose difficulties in your marriage. This couple was obviously in the dominance model still because they didn’t see eye to eye. Their arguing over something that had nothing to do with their marriage, had a good possibility of ending it.

Reaction:

I felt that Christina did a very good job in analyzing each television show. It would have been interesting to see what AUV’s she actually thought was involved in each. I also would have wanted to see how each situation dealt with the unity model of marriage. Obviously all of these are in the dominance model and need lots of improvement. As far as the choice of shows, I think that using “Desperate Housewives” is pretty extreme. This is a show that obviously has marriage problems like adultery, revenge, and lack of sex. This show makes housewives seem like sex craving animals that cheat on their husbands.

Media and Unity???:

Gender relations in the media is often portrayed is such a way that there are so many problems with marriage that always seem to be resolved or made up at the end. The media portrays marriages in the dominance model because there is always some kind of arguing or male dominance going on. To tell you the truth, before taking in to consideration the unity model of marriage, I thought that the marriages in the media were basically how our society is. The fact of the matter is that the media has a huge influence on how lots of couples live their marriages. I thought that marriages needed arguments and disagreements but when you think about it, we could be doing it because superstars do it and do it well. We see that couples overcome their differences and think that we are able to do it. These shows in the media are only a half hour to an hour and that is no way near the magnitude of a real life situation. A couple could go through many transitions, both good and bad, mostly with good outcomes, but all in an hour. Sometimes wives stay mad at their husbands for days. However, we see these things in the media and believe them to be the “way it should be”. The unity model of marriage would contradict everything in the media. Reading the reports of generation 23 really opened my eyes and made me realize that there are so many couples in the media that would not make it in society. Without them being at least in the equity model, their marriage would most likely not make it.

“Mr. And Mrs. Smith” on Unity:

A brief summary:

This full-featured movie has a lot of significance with the topic of marriage. “Mr. And Mrs. Smith” features Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and is a story of a couple that meet and both live secret, hit man, lives. They each work for agencies and are hired to kill very important people. The catch is that eventually they are both hired to kill each other. This is when they find out about each other’s secret lives and are content on killing. The story ends when they both realize that they are better off alive together. The irony of this movie is that after filming this movie is when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston and hooked up with Angelina Jolie. Was it that there was just so much passion and sex that they both found irresistible or did they actually find some attributes in each other that followed the unity model of marriage???

AUV scenes:

There are a lot of important scenes in this movie that are contrary to the unity model of marriage but the one thing that obviously stands out is the fact that they are living secret lives and are pretty much lying to each other. They often display the AUV, Manipulating partner through deception. When they were both trying to kill each other, they realized that after so many tries, the manipulating didn’t work because they knew each other’s next moves. The funny part through all of this was that they were still married.

There was a point in the movie where they both knew of each other’s secret lives but didn’t want to say anything about it. Brad Pitt, John, suspected that Angelina Jolie, Jane, was going to kill him without him even knowing it. This particular scene was at the dinner table and John wouldn’t eat his food because he thought Jane poisoned it. But at the same time, he didn’t want her to know that he suspected her of trying to kill him. This type of mistrust is far off of the unity model of marriage. This couple probably has a very slim chance of becoming unified because it is going to be really hard to trust one another here after.

On a smaller note, there are some short scenes that are contrary to the unity model of marriage. In one scene, John came home and there were new curtains on his windows. They had decided earlier that they were going to discuss it first before purchasing them. Jane went ahead and bought curtains in spite of her husbands disagreement. John hated the curtains and told her that he didn’t like them. If they were in the unity model of marriage, there wouldn’t be a disagreement. In the first place, Jane wouldn’t have gone without John to get the curtains. However, even if she did, John would have to be supportive to her decisions. The unity model is wife-centric and relies on the husband to change. The model states that the wife is already striving towards unity at it is up to the husband to release his dominant traits and conform to the wife’s ways of unity.

Another thing that is apparent in this movie is the space between them. It’s so bad to hear every word out of their mouths because they are all lies. They lie about their whole day. They have secret gadgets in the house that hide their weapons and money. Jane’s weapons come out of the stove and John is hiding his things under the tool shed. The funny part of all this is that if they didn’t see each other at the same killing site, they wouldn’t have known about the secret lives and they probably would have gotten away with it. They were both so good at hiding their secret lives and could have done it for the rest of their lives.

All of these observations that I have made so far would probably be apparent to everyone that takes this class. These are simple observations that have a huge influence on the unity model of marriage. Without taking this class, I probably wouldn’t even have thought about these things and would just take it for what it is.

Biased Friends:

This was the fun part of this report. Asking my friends to react and discuss my findings in this movie was so predictable. Everyone that I asked saw the movie and enjoyed it. They liked the deception and the action. They all thought that it was a cleaver way of showing how a husband and wife can go through extreme situations and remain together at the end. The fun part of this was that the males and the females had totally opposite reactions. As expected, the females loved the fact of the unity model of marriage while the males were left confused and bitter. The commotion was arisen when we discussed the scene with the curtains. All of my male friends were confused at the fact that they are just supposed to live with their wives decisions and that we have to listen to them. They couldn’t respect the fact that the wife, from the beginning, is striving for the unity model and that the husband is the one that has to change to reach that level. On the other side of the gender role, the females were thrilled at the fact that they can pretty much control their husband. They were like, “that’s right, if I want pink curtains, we are having pink curtains!!!” My explanation of the unity model of marriage to the females made them want to get married. This is funny because its neat to see how such a model could influence a whole group of females to get married.

To me, these females are going to get married for all the wrong reasons and really abuse this model. After discussing the model to my friends, it kind of opened their minds about gender differences in the media. They didn’t know that you could diagnose a movie and compare it with a concept in such depth. This goes to show that the things that happen in the movies are perceived as normal to the audience. We see things in the media and believe that it is the way that we are supposed to live our lives. There are hardly any movies out there that portray the unity model of marriage and that is why there is so much corruption in marriages and so many anti unity values that are used. It was interesting to see that none of my friends thought that nothing was wrong in the curtain scene. They saw it as the wife went against her husband’s wishes and that he got angry. They probably will work it out later. They failed to see that the husband was promoting his dominance by disagreeing with his wife; something that you would understand ONLY if you understood the unity model of marriage.

Couples and society view these types of movies and believe that this is the ideal way of marriage. One common thing is that we view marriage as a bond with another person that is filled with love, disagreements, and the skills to overcome these differences. We see this in the media so much, which leads us to believe that it’s the way to go. Almost every movie has some kind of disagreement and ends up with the making up or “unity” of each other. This type of unity is not the type that is involved with the unity model of marriage. I believe that the media has a huge influence on adolescent and young women. Media often takes the side of “wining and dining” wives. It is all a fairy tale type of portrayal that every female wants to take part in. For them, why not look up and follow someone that is the envy of all young females.

HOW THE MUSIC INDUSTRY RELATES TO MARRIAGE:

Eminem – Jealousy Woes II:

Men singing:

Jealous! (8X)

Girls voice: (Talking over the singing)

Jealous!?! What he mean jealous, know what I'm saying?

He just mad cause he got with some ugly hoes, know what I'm saying?

Girls don't buy him no clothes, He bought that ho some clothes!!

He don't buy me no clothes, ***** ain't got no money, no vibe, no ****

I mean, What do I got to be jealous for?

He ain't gonna make it no where, he ain't got no type of time

He has no career move, I mean...

Verse 1:

I come home every single day from working double shifts

And stop along the way to pick you up a couple gifts

I come inside and you pretend you miss me when you kiss me

Then you diss me and we strenuously fight continuously

Again you frisk me, for numbers trying to bust me

It must be only just because you never learned to trust me

Plus we only grovel only irrelevant issues

To many tissues, for my feelings you misuse

I buy you jewelry, you make a fool of me

I bring you diamond rings you say I'm bad at timing things

So what's a man to do when all i hand to you is handed back to me

You act to be this gangsta *****, that ain't what first attracted me

I used to love your company now you always bugging me

For information and you tell your friends you plan on dumping me

So I'ma wait for your evacuation

Cause every accusation makes me wanna smack your face in

See I've never been so sure, and your just insecure

So my solution to your jealousy presents a cure

I recommend you take your things and check them in

Look at the nervous wreck I'm in, I need my second wind, Say What?

Chorus: Men Singing

Jealous, Jealousy, Jealousy (8X)

Women's Voice: (Talking over singing)

**** you and what you going through

**** Eminem, he just mad cause I left that ***** for another man

Me and Eminem don't need nothing but my and his money

Immature, Me? ***** ain't got no ****, no swang in his thang

Know what I'm saying? He just mad cause I'm getting it all night

Jealous of me, know what I'm saying? That's what I'm talking about

Mother ****** just trying to get his

Verse 2:

I used to be a puppet and a sucker for your silent treatments

I used to be intoxicated with your sweet sense

Until the day I started following your feetprints

And tapping in your phone conversations through the heat vents

It made complete sense, there's someone else you like

So I confronted you and asked you who was Mike?

And you was like, (sampled) **I need a new man**

Someone rich that I could follow

And you'll be over me by the time you see tomorrow

Leaving me in sorrow, Brandy never felt so broken hearted

I fell apart when you departed then the joking started

I was an open target, you play comedian

And I became the laughing stock. but now I'm on my feet again

And so we meet again, your acting like an ex-wife

All in my sex life, I got a message from Phife

He goes, "You didn't want me to see you then, I don't want you now"

Take a towel, wipe your brow, quit trying to hunt me down

You run me down and now your trying to apologize

For all the lies and everytime you made me ball my eyes

Because I got a bigger wallet size, you wanna swing it

Jealousy is in the house ya'll, Fellas sing it...

Chorus: Men Singing

Jealous, Jealousy, Jealousy (12X)

Eminem’s AUV’s:

The anti unity values that are portrayed in this song are: Making each other jealous on purpose, Adultery for various reasons, and Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason). This song was all about a wife that cheats on her husband regardless on how much he takes care of her. This leaves him jealous and wondering what he has done to deserve this. The song is contrary to the unity model of marriage because there is adultery and basically no love in their marriage. There is a lot of hatred towards each other and probably no way that this couple will ever get out of the dominance model.

Usher – Confessions:

Watch this...

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I dont know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 1]

Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do

Got me talkin' to myself askin' how I'm gon' tell you

'bout that chick on part 1 I told ya'll I was creepin' with, creepin' with

Said she's 3 months pregnant and she's keepin' it

The first thing that came to mind was you

Second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true

Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did

How I ain't ready for no kid and bye bye to our relationship

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 2]

See when this stuff goes through be tryna figure out

When, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth

Said it ain't gon' be easy

But I need to stop thinkin', contemplatin'

Be a man and get it over with (over with)

I'm ridin' in my whip

Racin' to her place

Talkin' to myself

Preparin' to tell her to her face

She open up the door and didn't want to come near me

I said why ? baby?

Please hear me

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Breakdown]

This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do

To tell you, the woman I love

That I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know

I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this

And hopefully you'll give me another chance

This ain't about my career

This ain't about my life

It's about us

Please

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

Usher’s AUV’s:

The anti unity values that are portrayed in this song are: Having children out of wedlock, and Adultery for various reasons. This song is just morally wrong. This guy cheated on his wife and is telling her that the other woman is pregnant. He wants to tell her this because he wants her to forgive him. I personally don’t know any woman that would forgive a man that is going to have a baby with another woman while married to you. This husband obviously is deep into his dominance model and has to really change for his wife to forgive him. This is probably one hole that he won't get out of.

Lyrics and its influence:

Lyrics in this day and age cannot compare to the lyrics of the past. Hip-hop has grown to the point where songs reflect violence, sex, and drugs. Society has a major influence on how and why artists write such hateful lyrics. Most of these hip hop artists have been through the dangers of the low-income communities and have witnessed violence and drugs. Music is a way that these artists can reflect their experiences. This is also a way of letting the rest of the society of the struggles that they had to encounter. Apart from the educational purposes of these lyrics, young people can view this as inspiration or even motivation to fulfill these meanings. By hearing about violence, sex, and drugs, it could leave the youth curious at to what it is like to be a part of it. What is it like to shoot someone? What does it feel like to have sex? And what does it feel like to be high? Curiosity and experimentation are key factors in why our society is so corrupt today. Drugs and sex are becoming common in teenagers and are causing addiction and teen pregnancies.

Discussing the impact of these lyrics with friends was an awakening experience. I personally listen to songs and memorize them without even knowing the meanings of the words. I just like the way it sounds. I understand the basic theme of the songs but I don’t understand the internal meanings. My friends however choose their favorite songs for the meanings of the lyrics. They often ask me if I heard of a certain song. When I say no, they proceed by saying, “listen to the lyrics, it’s good”. They are able to both listen to the style of music and understand the lyrics. The thing that got them confused was when I asked them if they recognized any anti unity values in these songs. They didn’t know what that was but when I explained it to them, they could immediately tell me because they already knew and understood the lyrics. I on the other hand had to go through these lyrics several times just to find what AUV’s were incorporated. My friends agree that lyrics have a huge influence on the way society is. A good example that one of my friends noted was that athletes use lyrics to get pumped up for a game. This goes to show that lyrics do actually have an influence on people.

WEB COUNSELING:

The place to “Let it All Out”:

http://marriagepartner.com/ is a website that everyone in this class should visit. The issues that are stated in some of these discussions make you evaluate it and want to tell them what they are doing wrong. These husbands and wives fail to realize the unity model of marriage. Its just funny to see that when I see these discussions, I can point out the AUV’s and tell them what they are doing wrong. I would have never expected myself to do these types of things. The following is a comment posted by a husband that is not happy in his relationship. It is followed by a comment by another viewer trying to give him advice. Again, it is so funny that I can read this and right away see what is wrong with his marriage. It’s as if this class has brainwashed me. Anyway, this husband is deep in to the dominance level. He needs to stop thinking that he is the man of the house and start wondering why his wife doesn’t listen to him.

This website is mainly for husbands and wives that are having problems in their relationship and need help. Some of the advice presented is far off of what the unity model of marriage states. For instance, the passages below state that NONAME is having problems because he is not giving her much attention and affection that she wants. That is important but not the correct advise. Mr. J should tell him that he needs to change himself for the benefit of his wife. He needs to start doing things for her and not for himself. His ego is the biggest problem that is ruining his marriage. He needs to get out of the dominance level and first try to be at an equal level as his wife. Here is the discussion:

By NONAME on Friday, November 29, 2002 - 11:06 am:

Sorry for my bad English.

I am 28 yrs old and I married a 23 yrs old woman a few months ago. We had lived together for about one year before we got married. She has great problems showing me respect and she has a very bad habit arguing as a defense when she knows she is wrong instead of admitting her mistakes.

No, I don’t want a woman being like a dog doing everything I say, I want a woman who listens to me and show that I am the head of the family.

I support us both on a rather crappy income but yet I somehow manage to get all we need, including nice vacations and all. Sometimes when a decision is needed to be made, we don’t agree, which is normal, but we must make ONE decision and if it has to do with what food to eat during a day its not so important of course but if its a very important thing and I believe her opinion is not a good one, she can never accept that.

How can I make my woman understand that we must act and be as one when comes to important things and that she must show me that I am the head of the family? I have tried and just take a decision, and ignore her fighting’s but then she just go silent for hours or days and since she is so goddamn cute and really looks like a kid when she wants, I usually end up saying I am sorry when she should really be the one saying that.

I am the one working and bringing in the cash and I feel a great responsibility whereas she don’t need to worry at all, its like she thinks I will fix it somehow. Whenever she screws something up she tries to blame it on me and starts a huge fight that usually ends up in me not being able to work that day (I have a job where I must be 100% in a mentally good mood). She lives with her parents till she met me when she was 22.

Any ideas? I am a sucker for her, I know that already.

By MR J on Monday, January 6, 2003 - 02:47 pm:

RESPONSE TO NONAME: Your situation is similar to mine, Believe it or not, You think you love your wife more than she does the truth is that she loves you more. (women always act out the opposite of their true feelings sometimes). She’s causing you trouble because all she wants is your attention. Her silent treatment is kind of her way of telling you that she is not really a trouble maker and all she wants is your love and affection (basically she wants you to beg her , women are fond of this kind of teasing it makes them feel wanted and desired). Women always want to feel desired by men (who ever said women don’t have an ego of their own) just the way you want to be able to make your decisions as head of the home she knows this and is attacking your ego in order have her ego boosted as well. So what you should do is ask for her input about decisions even if you don’t take them seriously, thank her and complement her about how pretty she is and surprise her with gifts now and then. That way she feels appreciated and her ego is boosted. When u buy stuff for her she will feel guilty and start talking to you. By panicking over her shows her you care already. She just needs affection. A lot of times women feel that you might be showing too much affection to kids or work and neglecting them. Don’t worry she is only doing it because she is going to be extremely loving soon. And she will show u how much she loves you by doing everything you say and more (basically giving you your ego back). It is kind of like denial (or abstinence from sex). She holds back and then when she’s back to loving you it will be more intense.

This was probably the hardest part of the report. I had a hard time finding a site on the web that gave you the opportunity to comment on someone’s marriage hardships. I found others but not to this magnitude. Marriagepartner.com was by far the most popular and had rational advice rather than the others that had advise like, “just leave her” or “it’s not worth it”. This website lets you get advice from people that are in similar situations with you and can help you get through your problems instead of just taking the easy way out of just ending it. The only problem with this website in relation to the unity model of marriage is some of the advice. I’m sure if Dr. James or anyone that agrees with the unity model of marriage, were to go on this site and give advise to these husbands and wives, they would be able to fix their marriages with ease.

AMAZON.COM:

Time for a Better Marriage: Training in Marriage Enrichment (Rebuilding Books) (Paperback):

This book was found at www.amazon.com and had an average customer review of four and a half out of five stars. This book is highly recommended to newlyweds or anyone in a marriage that is looking to make things better. The unity model of marriage is made up of the dominance, equity, and unity models. This book shows you the basis of a marriage that starts in the equity model. Things like communication, listening, and encouragement is the basis of this book. One of the reviews gave a chapter breakdown: “The contents of the first three chapters describe the basis for forming a solid relationship( understanding, encouragement). In chapters 4-7 the focus is on the importance of honesty, openness, appropriate choices and the development of effective communication. These chapters are pretty much the heart of the book, with ample examples, exercises and guidance for developing skill in this area. Chapters 8 and 9 provide guidance in dealing with and resolving conflict. The final chapter provides instruction on maintaining the gains from solving marital dilemmas.” This kind of gives you a good idea on what to expect when reading this book. By the looks of it, this book, if followed will provide the necessary foundation for the unity model of marriage. Something that really stood out in these reviews and pertained closely to what we are learning on AUV’s is a quote from one of the reviewers, "You can only change yourself. Even without cooperation a relationship can improve when one person begins to change. One partner's growth and change often provides motivation for the other partner to change." You have to be willing to change for the benefit of your husband or wife.

The Husband Book Guy's Guide To Marriage:

The title of this book really speaks for itself. A happily married husband and father wrote this book. He gives advice to husbands that will make their wives appreciate them more. This relates to the unity model of marriage because in the model, it is required that the husband change. It requires that the husbands realize and understand what the wife’s wants and needs are. Reading this book will educate the husband how to remove himself out of the dominance role and how to have a marriage that is wife-centric. All of the reviews are, not surprisingly, written by wives who saw a change in their marriage after their husbands read this book. This book must be a start to the unity model of marriage without all of the spiritual beliefs. It is just important to realize that in order for a marriage to be unified, the husband needs to change.

Overall analysis:

Amazon.com is a website that offers everything and anything that you want to view or purchase. This particular search on “Books on Marriage” gave me 3,008 results. That means that I had an opportunity to view three thousand and eight books and that is, only the books on marriage. This shows the magnitude of this website. Most of the books didn’t have any customer reviews so I just focused on the one’s that did. This gave me a better insight on what the books were about. The books that I mentioned above were the two that stood out the most as far as the unity model of marriage was concerned. I would recommend this website to anyone because it basically has everything. You don’t have to waste time searching for things, all you have to do is search for it on Amazon.com.

The Unity Model of Marriage

Being a part of this class has been an experience that I never thought that I would have. I would have never thought of such a model of marriage that is so one sided. That is, that the husband determines where the couple stands in the model. Although I don’t fully believe in this model, it is really interesting and educational to know. I understand and agree with most of the model and see why it might work. However, I still believe that the husband doesn’t need to change totally in order to benefit the wife. There are couples out there that need a little disagreement so that they can get everything off their chest and have a clean slate again. Also, nothing is wrong with “making up”. Another thing that I find hard to believe is the findings of Emanuel Swedenborg. He is the only one in history that has said to have spent 20 years of his life in the spiritual world. He has visited the heavens and the hells and spoke with spirits. However, you can’t fully argue that what he says is bogus because most of it seems rational.

Aside from all of my disagreements, I am enjoying learning about this new concept. This has opened my mind and has made me evaluate things more, especially from this report. I now look at movies, and can tell what are the portrayals of gender interactions that are contrary to developing a unity marriage. I have learned that the unity model of marriage allows both husband and wife to assure that they will be together not only “till death do you part” but “till endless eternity”.

Some helpful hints:

To future generations:

I am going to give you this advice even though you will probably hear it from Dr. James and read it in everyone else’s reports…DON’T PROCRASTINATE!!! That’s all I’m going to say about that because its pretty self explanatory. Something that I can help you on is about finding things on the Internet. You have to allow yourself some time when searching for things. Don’t be satisfied with what you find first because there are lots of other things out there. The more you search, the more confident you can be in your findings. Comparing your earlier findings with the one you actually use in your report will make you appreciate the time and effort you put into it. Also I think that Dr. James will appreciate that you took the time to ensure that your report was of good quality. The Internet has so much information so don’t just limit yourself to google.com. I am guilty of this and I know you are too. If I want to find anything I always google it. Like I said before, just give yourself time to surf the web. Its pretty interesting to see all of the information that is out there in the world. Anyway, I hope that this report was helpful in educating you about the unity model of marriage and gave you advise on your experiences.

Learning about marriage psychology in college is perfect, timing wise. It is pretty common that couples get married at around the “after college” age. Being introduced to the marriage concepts now, will prepare me for the next step in my life. The way our class is going so far is pretty good. I just wish we could learn about the negative bias more than just the unity model. We read about the view of Dr. Laura Schlessinger but we don’t discuss it much. I like how we have oral presentations where we can learn and teach each other. These reports are pretty lengthy but it is an upper division writing intensive class. Another thing that I like is the small class. Especially when you have to give oral presentations, it is better to have a smaller audience. You are more comfortable and by the end of the semester, you will be comfortable in front of everyone. Other than all of that, the curriculum fulfills all of the requirements and is a good skill to have for the future.

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-home.htm

G24 Class Home Page: 

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm