Psychology 409b March 17, 2006

ÒIs This Your Husband?Ó

By Skip Saito

 

Joshua Coleman, The Lazy Husband, St. MartinÕs Press, New York, 2005, Pages 124-137

Instructions for this Activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

 

I.                      The Worried Husband

A.      While excessive worry is a more common feature among women, many men also have this problem.

B.      In most cases, if you experience your parents worrying about care or finances, you are likely to experience it when you have a family of your own.

                                                                               i.       An example was that Mark experienced his parents constantly worry about their finances and often asked him for advice. 

                                                                                 ii.       When he had a family, his wife experienced his worry over her and the children as an appealing form of care.

                                                                                   iii.       However, as the children became older, she began to feel more weighed down by his constant worries and inability to relax and enjoy the many things for which they had to be grateful.

C.      What to do if your husband expresses worry

                                                                               i.       DonÕt criticize him for his worry

                                                                                 ii.       Tease him if heÕll let you

                                                                                   iii.       DonÕt allow his worries to rule the roost

                                                                                   iv.       Have him talk to his doctor about a medication evaluation

II.                   The Perfectionistic Wife

A.      Perfectionists often have a hard time enjoying their lives or their marriages

                                                                               i.       They constantly hold themselves and others to a standard where the bar is always being raised.

                                                                                 ii.       Being a perfectionist is stressful because it makes you more likely to believe, often irrationally, that your partner is also holding you to this impossible standard.

                                                                                   iii.       There is an important perception to gain control over since both men and women feel unhappier in their marriages and communicate less effectively when they expect perfection of themselves.

B.      A recent study by Michelle Haring and Paul Hewitt at the University of British Columbia found that wives whom had perfectionistic expectations of their husbands had lower marital satisfaction that wives with more moderate expectations.

                                                                               i.       They found that this might be because menÕs sensitivity to any hint of dominance could cause them to react more negatively to communications about their imperfections. 

                                                                                 ii.       People with perfectionistic expectations of themselves are:

1.       Less likely to use appreciation, complimenting, affection, and encouragement

2.       More likely to use negative approaches such as criticism, contempt, blame, and defensiveness.

III.                The Perfectionist Husband

A.      Living with a husband who has perfectionistic expectations of you may cause you to feel controlled, dominated, or blamed.

B.      You may feel frustrated that he has a hard time relaxing or feeling good about himself.

                                                                               i.       Men who are perfectionists are less likely to be lazy husbands, since perfectionists tend to be hardworking and obsessive.

                                                                                 ii.       However, you may be married to a lazy husband who, while not a perfectionist, has perfectionistic expectations of you.

IV.                The Angry Husband

A.      Living with a hostile or abusive spouse can make you feel depressed, inadequate, anxious, or afraid.

B.      An angry husband may treat you in a controlling, belittling, or domineering way.

                                                                               i.       He may use his size, loudness, or tone of voice to intimidate you.

                                                                                 ii.       He may be extremely jealous and make you accountable to him in ways that are neither fair nor reasonable.

                                                                                   iii.       His behavior may extend to restricting your time with your friends or family members.

                                                                                   iv.       He may use intimidation to get you to be sexual when you donÕt want to be.

 

 

Related Links:

1. http://www.babycenter.com/dilemma/baby/babyfinance/1295325.html : This website was one that I should have used for my report 1 because it is a place that wives post problems with their marriages on the web and readers post their concerns and advice.  This particular link was one of a wife that was concerned that her husband was too worried with his work and financial situation, that he wasnÕt paying much attention to her and their daughter.  There are lots of advices that do not relate to the unity model of marriage but will pertain to the book, ÒThe Lazy HusbandÓ.

 

2. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20000226-000001.html : With this website, I felt that I was reading the book all over again.  This gave lots of facts on the ÒperfectionistÓ.  It focused on both the husband and the wife and was similar in the fact that they believed that a marriage would not work if one or both were perfectionists. 

 

3. http://www.healthboards.com/boards/archive/index.php/t-26799.html : Again, I wish that I used this website for my report.  This website seemed very popular in the sense that a lot of people, wives, respond to others in need of help with their marriages.  This particular site focused on a marriage that involved an angry husband.  She was scared of him and the way he treated her and their daughter.  The advice was genuine and was closely related to the advice given in the book.

 

 

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-home.htm

 

Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm