Psychology 409b April 7, 2006

ÒFor the Husband

By Skip Saito

 

Joshua Coleman, The Lazy Husband, St. MartinÕs Press, New York, 2005, Pages 182-206

Instructions for this Activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

 

I.                      Housework and Sex

a.        Sex is often one of the most important predictors for menÕs satisfaction in marriage.

                                                                               i.       Women are more interested in having sex when theyÕre married to men who are more willing to do housework.

b.       Differences among genders

                                                                               i.       A good sex life makes men feel important, cared about, and connected to their wives.

                                                                                 ii.       For women, a good sex life is further down the list below a manÕs affection, caring, communication, and his interest in the kids and house.

c.        WhatÕs scarce for women isnÕt a man whoÕs willing to have sex, itÕs a man whoÕs willing to help raise children, do housework, talk about his feelings, and be affectionate.

                                                                               i.       When a guy does housework it has several effects on a womanÕs sexuality

                                                                                 ii.       It makes her feel cared about.

                                                                                   iii.       It is important to a womanÕs desire because it decreases her stress levels.

II.                   When you canÕt meet her standards for housework

a.        Write out a list with her of what sheÕd like you to do

                                                                               i.       The goal is to cooperatively and affectionately begin to brainstorm ideas for going forward in a more productive way

                                                                                 ii.       Make sure itÕs not to have a fight about whoÕs doing what for whom.

b.       See if there are bargains that can be made

                                                                               i.       ThereÕs almost always a win-win solution in every household, and in most situations.

                                                                                 ii.       If you want to barter for something you really want, it has to be fair market value for what she wants.

c.        DonÕt fight with her so much

                                                                               i.       Couples who had the best marriages were those where the husband didnÕt fight his wifeÕs influence.

                                                                                 ii.       Homes where the husband stubbornly insisted on being right al of the time, or insisted on always getting his way, were rated as far less satisfying by both members of the couple.

III.                Parenting

a.        There are common differences between how men and women parent, regardless of the motherÕs behavior.

                                                                               i.       Men tend to respond less quickly to childrenÕs frustrations or cries of distress.

                                                                                 ii.       Men are also more likely to want their children to have experiences that emphasize risk and adventure than are women. 

                                                                                   iii.       Men are also less likely to experience as many changes in identity with the birth of a child. 

b.       Many marriages get into trouble when differences arenÕt respected.

                                                                               i.       A common scenario is that a woman feels troubled by her husbandÕs lower level of responsiveness, and reacts with criticism or excessive direction.

                                                                                 ii.       The husband, who already feels somewhat less informed or experienced as a parent, defers to his wife, but also feels criticized and shamed by her complaints.

                                                                                   iii.       As a result, he withdraws from being a parent.

c.        Children who are raised by involved fathers do better in life, have a greater sense of emotional security, and are far closer to their fathers when theyÕre older that children raised by uninvolved fathers.

d.       Some simple suggestions

                                                                               i.       Tell your wife that youÕd like to be more involved as a parent, but that you would like less involvement from her

                                                                                 ii.       Tell her that youÕd like the opportunity to make your own mistakes in parenting and she can offer her feedback if you request it.

IV.                Conclusions

a.        Husbands need to be involved with their marriages as well as with their children.

                                                                               i.       Husbands that are involved with their wives are better off sexually and emotionally.

                                                                                 ii.       Children who are raised by involved fathers make for a better society because they will most likely produce sons who want to be involved as dads.

                                                                                   iii.       Women raised by involved fathers will have higher expectations that their husbands will participate as fathers than women raised by dads who stood on the parental sidelines.

 

 

Related Links:

1. http://www.fathers.com/ :  This website is one that I highly recommend to every father.  Although every father out there doesnÕt think that they need advise or help, I guarantee that this site will help them in some way.  This site includes tips, programs, training, and a press room.  They stress that every child needs a father they can count on.  Children thrive when they have an involved father; someone who loves them, knows them, guides them and helps them achieve their destiny.

 

2. http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/children/06/16/father.studies/index.html :  This CNN website is about a study that was done at the University of Maryland and it determined that children who have fathers in their lives learn better, have higher self-esteem and show fewer signs of depression than children without fathers.  The study did not address whether a bad father is better that no father at al.  And the findings donÕt necessarily mean that children who grow up in single-parent homes canÕt be successful.  This website goes to show that there is a significant difference in children that donÕt have fathers or father figures in their lives.  Men should think about this before they decide to have children or not.  Maybe a test should be first if they can be a involved husband or not.

 

3. http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmproblems/0,,8zr,00.html :  This website was basically everything and more of what was said in the book.  It gave a list of 10 solutions to get your husbands to help out around the house.  These solutions consisted of: make a list and check it twice, be passive-aggressive, talk it out, think sexy, make it a game, get mischievous, make ultimatums, butter him up, accept and be merry, and finally find good help.  These are relevant solutions because they come directly from wives that have husbands that needed to change and help out around the house.

 

 

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-home.htm

 

Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm