Psychology 409b January 24, 2006

Psychology 409b January 24, 2006

The Bargaining Marriage

By Lisa Tabon

Coleman, Joshua, The Lazy Husband, St. Martin’s Press New York, 2005 (pages 25-48).

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

I. The Problem with Motherhood

a. The person who cares the most frequently has the least bargaining power

b. Nine months of pregnancy could predispose mothers to less bargaining power because of their greater relative investment in the child

c. Example of Karen and Carl:

i. Carl doesn’t respond as frequently to the baby’s crying as Karen

ii. Karen reacts at the first sign of distress while Carl takes a wait-and-see approach

iii. Carl has more bargaining power because he’s not as strongly motivated by the baby’s discomfort, while Karen is highly motivated and therefore she has less bargaining power

II. Male Status at the Bargaining Table

a. A husband doing his fair share isn’t a favor but an even exchange of services

b. Studies show that when men do favors, others feel that they should reciprocate more than when women do the same thing

c. To gain power in your household you need to grasp the ways in which you may subtly or overtly idealize men or their powers

III. Assert your wishes and need for change

a. Appeal to his sense of fair play—assuming that your partner has a sense of fair play and cares enough to be motivated by this principle

i. Request comes after stating appreciation and empathy for his perspective

ii. If not, he would go into a counterproductive mode of defending himself

b. Suggest that changing his behavior will benefit him in some way

i. If he does more he’ll get a happier wife in the process

ii. Benefits him because his taking on tasks may free up time and energy for you to spend on activities he values

c. Cash in on favor

i. Remind him of what you’ve done for him and how he owes you

ii. Make it clear that marriage and family life are a give and take

iii. Don’t use moralistic or shaming language because it could trigger defensiveness and resistance

d. Show him how much you’re contributing

i. Create a list, tell him, trade places for a day, etc.

ii. Showing him a list may affect his feelings of fair play and increase his participation

e. Disclose how unhappy you are with the current arrangement

i. Let him know how exhausted, resentful, or discouraged you are

ii. Some women have a hard time letting their partners know how unhappy they are because they believe they have no right to complain because:

1. they grew up watching a mother take on too much

2. their low self-esteem prevents them from feeling entitled

3. their views of what women are supposed to do prevents them from demanding more

f. Work with his priorities

i. Know your partner’s priorities and pet peeves improves your bargaining position in marriage

ii. Outwait him on tasks that you know are a high priority for him—this will free up time for you to do things that are a high priority for you

iii. This technique would not work with things your partner doesn’t care about

g. Consider eliminating some of the chores

i. Look closely at what is essential to your well-being and what you do out of habit or to please others

ii. How do I lower my standards?

1. important way to decrease your stress and increase your partner’s willingness to do more

2. simplify meals—the less time you spend cooking, the more time you have to do other things for you or your family

3. clean the house less frequently and less thoroughly

4. don’t bathe the kids every single day—reducing the frequency of baths can free up time

5. get the kids to do more—having regular responsibilities is useful for children’s developing sense of self-esteem, and feelings of accomplishment

h. Make trades

i. The more desperately you want your partner to do something, the greater the trade-off you have to make

ii. Consider things or behaviors that he values and is usually hard for you to give to him

i. Improve your bargaining position

i. Increase financial power in the marriage by going back to work

ii. Increasing attractiveness in the marriage marketplace to let both of them know of her value and the potential dangers of ignoring her wishes

IV. Divorce Culture and Bargaining Power

a. Freedom to divorce has increased women’s power in marriage because they don’t have to tolerate an unwanted situation

b. Consequences of divorce are worse for women because they have not secured their finances

c. Women are more compromised because 90% of the time, mothers become custodial parents

V. The Husband’s Power (or Lack Thereof)

a. Studies show that in those homes where the wife earns more than the husband, he typically does more parenting and housework

b. However, it isn’t solely an issue of finances, it’s also a function of who is more invested in the marriage