Psychology 409b February 10, 2006

A Wife’s Responsibility and Control

By Lisa Tabon

 

Schlessinger, Laura C., The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Harper Collins Publishers 2004 ( p. 55-67

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral.htm

Instructor:  Dr. Leon James

 

I.                    A Wife’s Responsibility

a.       Louise and her original family

                                                               i.      Her father was violent and mean; she feared and hated him

                                                             ii.      Her mother portrayed herself as a “victim”

                                                            iii.      Louise realized that her mother wasn’t a victim, instead she was a person who is responsible for her own choices/actions/behaviors.

**the choices you make determine the life you have**

b.      Don’t dwell on the negative

                                                               i.      Women’s groups encourage men-bashing as entertainment while denying personal responsibility

                                                             ii.      Some feminist-oriented psychotherapists say that a happy relationship with a man isn’t necessary

                                                            iii.      Gossiping with friends about the things that your husband does to annoy you

**The more you dwell on the negative, the farther you are from appreciating the positive**

c.       Pick your battles

                                                               i.      Don’t get worked up about the things that don’t really matter

                                                             ii.      Remind yourself of your priorities and whether or not the “small things” are worth arguing/fighting over.

d.      Men do it differently

                                                               i.      When men do things different from women’s ways of doing things, it is not a display of contempt

                                                             ii.      learn from their ways, and if the goal is reached then that’s all that matters since that was the initial purpose

                                                            iii.      Trust you husband, he has his own way of doing things; it doesn’t have to be done your way in order for it to be adequately done.

e.       Don’t Micromanage

                                                               i.      Micromanaging is about controlling

                                                             ii.      This issue of control makes husbands feel that they’re not the men their wives wished they’d married

f.         My Husband is Unacceptable

                                                               i.      Know who your husband is and accept him—non-acceptance implies a desire for another man who fits your preferences

                                                             ii.      Don’t assume that you can manipulate him until he becomes someone else—he is who he is.

 

II.                 The Misuse of “Feelings”

a.       The two expressed “feelings” that can bring a husband to his knees are “hurt” and “uncomfortable”—the misuse of these “feelings” are an attempt to control and dictate

b.      EX:  Brian and his 2nd wife

                                                               i.      Brian has a child with his first wife and two children with his current wife

                                                             ii.      Brian wants his first child to stay with them during the summer but his second wife says it would make her “uncomfortable”

1.      his wife was afraid of having his other child put before hers

2.      his wife is resentful of Brian’s time, affection, and financial resources being directed to his other child

                                                            iii.      she needs to accept the fact that it was her choice to marry a man with a previous child and has to deal with the consequences.

c.       Challenging ourselves with the unfamiliar is what life is about; we can’t control everyone and everything around us in order to feel secure.

 

III.               Stupid Power

a.       Its hard for women to see and be aware of the fact that they are the ones being controlling

b.      Whether or not the controlling of husbands by wives is bad/good depends on what’s in your heart, your intentions, and your actions.

                                                               i.      Pamela has been controlling her husband for 15 years

                                                             ii.      Her husband knew this and said that he liked the way she did:

1.      Love him unconditionally

2.      Be his best friend

3.      Respect him

4.      Make sure his needs are met both physically and emotionally

5.      Make him smile

                                                            iii.      In return for these things Pamela says he is loving, respectful, kind, etc.

c.       Giving is a more powerful tool than controlling as you receive the same gifts in return but with enthusiasm and love, not fear and resentment.

d.      The cruelest thing a wife can do is to never be happy.

**Treat your husband with respect rather than control**

 

IV.              Men Have Feelings Too!?

a.       Gender Abuse

                                                               i.      Wives’ inconsideration for their husband’s feelings which can lead them to stupid behaviors (i.e. affairs)

                                                             ii.      Men turn to those who make them feel a certain way about themselves—not hurt or pain.

b.      Men have a different approach to their feelings than women

                                                               i.      They’ll more likely talk about a challenge they’ve faced than their emotional status

                                                             ii.      recognize his hurt in his eyes, his stress from his posture, pain in their silence, etc.—men communicate their feelings in less obvious ways

 

 

Related Links:

 

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2001/003/14.8.html

This website directs you to an article that suggests ways for wives to please their husbands and keep their marriage interesting, implying that the success of a marriage is the responsibility of the wife.

 

http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/husbandcommunic.asp

This website offers ways for couples to communicate with each other.  However, there is a focus on how wives can communicate better with their husbands and ways in which a wife can change her ways to accommodate her husband.

 

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

This website is about a book called The Surrendered Wife.  It offers steps for women to follow in order to maintain intimacy in their marriages.  It assumes that wives are controlling, and they need to give up on controlling and criticizing their husbands in order to have a passionate union.

 

My Homepage is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/tabon/

Class Homepage is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm