Psychology 409b March 16, 2006

Psychology 409b March 15, 2006

Mental Abuse and Mental Intimacy

By Lisa Tabon

Dr. James, Leon and Dr Nalh, Diane; The Unity Model of Marriage version 11e, University of Hawaii 2006, 2006 Sections 11-12) http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

I. Mental abuse of Wives

a. In the case of the wife not being reciprocal of her husband’s sexual advances

i. Male dominance model blames the wife

ii. Equity model blames both the husband and the wife

iii. Unity model blames the husband

b. From the unity model perspective:

i. The husband stands in the way of having mental intimacy with his wife

ii. The husband resists mental intimacy because he finds it aversive

iii. According the unity model, the husband is self-centered and so desires sexual relief rather than a more couple-centered or wife-centered aspect

1. the husband tries to maintain his independence and fights against mental conjunction with his wife

c. Sexual Blackmail

i. From a woman’s perspective, sexual intimacy is a delightful consequence of mental intimacy with the husband she loves and wants to conjoin herself with

ii. The wife refuses to have sexual intimacy with her husband only when her husband refuses to have mental intimacy

iii. His self-centeredness or genital-centeredness is what causes her to be cold to him

d. How does the unity model view sexual blackmail?

i. In the unity model is unhealthy for a woman to have sex with a man that refuses mental intimacy with her

ii. It is unhealthy because it damages her self-respect and human dignity; it is also cruel to the wife and damaging to the marriage relationship

e. feminine perspective vs. masculine perspective

i. the masculine perspective wants to separate mental intimacy and sexual intimacy

1. men bring into the marriage the idea that mental intimacy is not needed

2. many therapists support this view even though it is harmful to the wife and the marriage

ii. the feminine perspective is that mental intimacy comes first then physical intimacy

1. sex should only be because it is the consequence of mental intimacy

2. if the husband continues to resist this, it is harmful to him because he cannot have real intimacy and conjunction

**Common forms of mental abuse**

a. Verbally expressing denigration and name calling

b. Talking with a threatening voice or implication

c. Maintaining silence and refusing to talk

d. Walking out in anger

e. Forcing physical intimacy without adequately preparing her for receptivity

f. Making her feel neglected and not appreciated

g. Showing disapproval or making her feel guilty about herself

h. Deliberately trying to confuse her so he can get his way with her

i. Breaking promises

j. Interrupting to prevent her from talking

k. Using her sexually than discarding her

l. Keeping her from expressing her true self

m. Keeping her from reaching her cherished goals

n. Showing disinterest in her

o. Exploiting her by making her work hard to do things for him

p. Damaging her reputation by gossiping about her

II. Developing Mental Intimacy

a. An example of a husband preventing mental intimacy from Dr. Laura’s radio show: The husband accused his wife of not caring about him because she is teaching Sunday school while he goes to Church with the family. Her main reason for teaching was because her child is in one of the classes. The wife said that she did appreciate him going to church rather than playing golf, but sometimes he doesn’t want to go and sometimes he doesn’t.

i. From a dominant model perspective

1. The wife should appreciate the fact that her husband chooses to go to church over playing golf

2. She is not being a good wife by choosing some other task (teaching) over her husband.

3. The wife is being selfish and foolish; it is just a reasonable demand by the husband

ii. From an equity and unity model perspective

1. The husband does not respect her religion if he feels that he can just stay at home whenever he doesn’t feel like going and expects her to stay home too

2. He doesn’t respect her since he’s willing to end her teaching at Sunday school; this is a mental abuse

3. The husband is being selfish and foolish.

iii. What if he asks for sex later that week?

1. he demands that she be physically intimate even though he refuses to be mentally intimate

2. she is turned on by his touch but also turned off; this makes her feel dirty to give in to him for fear of his consequences

3. from the dominant model perspective, she is stupid for not having sex with a good husband who makes the money and wants her instead of another woman

b. We all start at the dominance model

i. Men and women culturally, spiritually, and socially inherit the dominance model

1. women quickly figure it out and do the best with the man they have, however, men are resistant

2. men wish to hold on to the male dominance model of interaction with women because they love it; this is why they accuse women of nagging them for not accepting them for who they are

3. men pressure women to back off into silence and obedience—men refuse to be mentally intimate while demanding physical intimacy

ii. Many men discover that they like mental intimacy with women

1. men have to then voluntarily put aside their culturally inherited tendency to denigrate women

2. men begin to move into the equity model as the wife is able negotiate

3. the wife will remain unfulfilled unless the husband is willing and able to act from the unity model