Psychology 409B April 6, 2006

The Splendors of Marriage

By Lisa Tabon

Reverend Buss, Peter M., Marriage Love: The Vision and its Realization, Ref 6f, www.swedenborgproject.org/page.cfm?pageid=173

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

I. Romance: The Beginning, or Is That all There is?

a. Does the kind of love we watch in young people just fizzle out?

b. Is there nothing left after ten years of diapers, dishes, and bills?

c. Is love born in two people only to die in disillusionment

II. Most people have contradictory views on marriage

a. Part of us forms expectations based on our own experience

i. If our parents were happily married we have a hopeful attitude for ourselves

ii. If we’re close to someone who has had a bad experience, we suspect our partners

iii. We are also tempted to accept the opinion of the group among whom we live

iv. If your friends think highly of marriage, you are likely to do so too

b. Part of us wants marriage to be wonderful and ideal

i. We feel that romantic love ought to be the herald of something that lasts forever

III. the New Testament and the teachings of Swedenborg

a. the lord says that we can trust the promise of “they two shall be one flesh” –one desire, one love

b. marriage love can be perfect and eternal

i. this is the way the lord intended it to be from the beginning

ii. it was part of creation that there should be two different types of people who should be born to come together in marriage

c. the differences between men and women starts in the souls of each

i. they were made different but there is no question of inferiority—eternally equal, eternally different

ii. they were created with a deep-seated longing to be joined to each other

d. its part of the Lord’s love for his children that he made this one special love which is above every other love

i. we are made to long for one person who can share all levels of life with us

ii. love refined to the highest degree—instinctively we sense that that is what romance and love and marriage are all about

IV. Teach us to Love

a. If marriage ought to be an ideal relationship, why does it so go wrong?

i. Ignorance—people don’t know how to love

ii. We don’t know what love is at times

iii. Mankind needs to be told what true love is and how to experience it

1. this is what the Word of God is about

2. he told us to love one another and to imitate his love so we could learn how it should be shown

b. Conjugial Love and its three essential concepts

i. Marriage is forever in heaven after death

ii. It is the most perfect love two people can have

iii. It is from the Lord and therefore it can be trusted to keep on going

c. Swedenborg tells of that love as it is in heaven

i. People left this world and gone to heaven, and how they’ve enjoyed a complete and ever-deepening love for years

ii. Love goes on in the other world, and marriage love especially survives the grave and takes up where it left off

d. God is the author of marriage, and he has both the power and goodness to give us this gift in increasing measure

e. The ugly side of marriage

i. The hells attack it, various evils people can commit

ii. Only when we see our baser feelings for what they are can we reject them

V. Are there Different Rules for Marriage?

a. We tend to look on marriage as an institution which isn’t run by usual rules of charity

b. The rules of Swedenborg says

i. These rules of marriage are the same rules as those by which we get to heaven

ii. The principles of marriage and those of the Christian life are exactly the same

VI. Christian Principles

a. Honor

i. We make promises and give a great deal to each other while that love is strong

ii. It would not be honorable to break that promise because the benefits don’t excite us as much as they used to

b. Integrity

i. Part of the agreement of a couple who marries is to not look for love outside of their marriage

ii. People have little flirtations to liven up their lives and later say, “I didn’t ask to fall in love with another person” but it wouldn’t have happened if they had behaved with integrity

c. Honesty

i. We can love someone so much and yet say totally dishonest things when we’re angry

ii. A couple has their first quarrel and says “I hate you” to her husband just to hurt him at that moment

d. Gratitude

i. Its part of a moral life to be grateful and to remember what others have done for us

ii. A couple spend years giving to each other, helping, and supporting each other—an obligation is built up

iii. We don’t demand it of each other, we demand it of ourselves

iv. It’s so easy to forget obligations, to push someone else’s kindness to the back of the mind

e. Charity—the most important Christian virtue

i. Kindness, consideration, willing well to another in all things of life

ii. Marriage is duty; showing kindness when its not easy, acting from love when we feel selfish, honoring love which we promised even though it is not strongly felt at that particular moment

iii. Marriage is being a considerate and thoughtful human being, first and foremost to the person whose happiness is most dependent on you

f. Love isn’t only fun; there is the labor of love

i. If you’re only nice to your partner when you feel like it, thoughtful when it doesn’t cost you any effort, loving when you feel in the mood, regardless of what the other feels---than are you really a loving person?

VII. Faith and Charity make a true marriage Love

a. Faith: the firm belief that an everlasting, and totally kind love is possible

b. Charity: the total commitment to promoting the happiness of one person who is most precious

c. You can look on your marriage as a holy trust, and handle that person’s love with ever-growing charity

VIII. The Rewards of Total Love

a. Innocence

i. When two people love each other they are often like children—they enjoy playing together, share jokes, etc.

ii. They have an openness of feeling with each other

iii. Aren’t afraid to be helpless in the presence of their love, aren’t afraid to let their deepest loves be seen

iv. Married partners can learn to ask the things of love, and to offer them with total trust

v. Two people can share with each other their willingness to let the Lord lead them

b. Peace

i. You have tranquility when your love is certain

ii. A loved partner is a haven in the storms of life; peace is the positive joy of living in such a haven

iii. The delight of doing good things with your partner not a competitor

iv. The wonderful feeling inside of you when you know that no angry or hurtful feeling is going to come between you, that with this person you can live your life in safety

c. the most tangible rewards of marriage is friendship, and the confidence that goes with it

i. friendship in marriage has to be learned

ii. as two grow together, work on communication, learn to trust the other, and find ways to break through the barriers they give of themselves, and find deep pleasure in doing so, and they find a friendship that is on a higher plane

d. One more reward of true marriage love—the heartfelt wish to do whatever good things you can for your partner

i. That tender concern for the mind and body of the loved one is the most tangible blessing of a complete love

e. These are promises from the God of heaven and earth, He can make them happen

This website includes an article that discusses the makings of a Christian marriage. It goes over the definition of a Christian marriage, biblical expectations of marriage, biblical priorities and marriage, biblical assumptions and marriage, etc.

http://www.leaderu.com/offices/stoll/maturity/chap40.html

This article teaches us the biblical principles of Christian maturity in regards to relationships. A section is entitled “A weekend of reflection upon a life of relationship” which discusses the importance of a husband and wife spending quality time together.

http://www.westarkchurchofchrist.org/chadwell/book1c.htm

This article discusses the topic of ethical decisions about moral conduct based on Christian beliefs. It further discusses the origins of ethics and the three different categories of Christian ethics.

My Homepage is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/tabon/tabon-home.htm

Class Homepage is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm