Report 1
Monitoring Anti-Unity Values
in the Media
By Naomi Wong
Instructions for this report
are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report1.htm
Introduction
The
Unity Model of Marriage is a framework of what a happy successful marriage
should be like. However, since we are
different individual humans that have different life experiences, different
personality, different embedded stereotypes, and different this and that. When two individuals meet, they learn to
connect with each other on the physical level, cognitive level, and affective
level. These three levels are known as
the Threefold Self. The physical level
is the external connection of doing things together such as talking, hugging,
touching, and doing activities together.
The cognitive level is the mental thinking alike and the two people understand
what the other person is saying and their reasoning. The affective level is the highest level of a person. This is the internal feeling of a person
such as the soul or the emotion feelings.
Within these three levels of the self, there are also sublevels of
dominance, equity, and affective models that can be applied to the couple’s
relationship.
The
three models will demonstrate whether the couple is happy or having a
successful relationship. The Dominance
Model is the level where the man is usually dominant in the relationship. He is the one that controls the woman
physically (i.e. physical abuse), makes the woman thinks she’s unimportant (i.e. calls her names and makes her think she’s
nothing), and makes her feel horrible (i.e. hurts her emotionally and not
thinking about her needs). This model
is definitely not the best level to be at because usually the woman isn’t happy
and the man is abusing her. There is disjunction at all levels of the Threefold
Self. However, everyone starts out at this level until they understand and know
each more when they start to show more loving to the equity level.
The
Equity Model is where the two persons contribute to the relationship. One the physical level, each gets to do what
they like. This is where the woman
begins to connect with man. For
example, when he slowly moves his body closer to her body when they are sitting
together, she would actually move towards him to connect. At the cognitive level, the two would start
to finish each other’s sentences. The
affective level of where the two are connects in their hearts. They both love each other and continue to
move on to a higher level.
The
highest level and the best model for the couple is the Unity Model. This is when the man gives up his affective
independence and learns to tend to his woman’s physical needs, encourages and
thinks that her opinions are important, and loves her so much that she doesn’t
have to ask him. This is where
conjunction is practiced at all three levels of the Threefold Self.
In the
following report, you can see how the unity model is contradicted by the norms
of society. The term for this is
Anti-Unity Values (AUV).
A. Anti-Unity Values is Society’s view of norm
Examples
of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:
This is Table 9
|
1.
Living
together unmarried |
|
2.
Having
children out of wedlock |
|
3.
Making
each other jealous on purpose |
|
4.
Adultery
for various reasons |
|
5.
Promiscuity
and bi-sexuality |
|
6.
Sexy
dressing for men other than one's partner |
|
7.
Having a
same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for
certain things |
|
8.
Having a
heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition
for certain things |
|
9.
Same sex
friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners |
|
10.
Flirting
with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason) |
|
11.
Separate
interests and activities accepted for partners |
|
12.
Manipulating
partner through deception |
|
13.
Accepting
the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things |
|
14.
Promoting
the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept
them with their faults, etc. |
|
15.
Girls
only or boys only entertainment |
|
16.
Acceptance
of the idea that men are more important |
|
17.
Promoting
the idea that men are more rational than women |
|
18.
Promoting
the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender |
|
19.
Making it
look normal for a man to exploit women |
|
20.
Making it
look normal for a man to abuse women |
|
21.
Making it
look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept
and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being
dominant, etc.) |
|
22.
Making it
look like what women say and think as less important |
|
23.
Accepting
the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes
for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask
for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being
"unreasonable" etc.) |
This Table is from:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209
According to
Dr. James in the “Unity Model of Marriage,” there is harmony between the man
and the woman or some sort on all three levels: Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and
Affective. However, all these AUV shows
the selfishness of either of the partners and lifting his ego or her ego up in
order to dominate or to hurt the other partner. Looking at the table, numbers 16-23 shows the male dominance
level of in a relationship. All of
these shows how unimportant woman are and what are okay for men to do,
according to society. The woman’s
feelings are disregarded and overlooked.
Numbers 7-9, 11, 14, and 15 shows the independent self at the
sensorimotor and cognitive level. All these examples are obviously
contradictory to the unity model at all levels. The views of society have become a strong norm in comparison to
what a real Unity Marriage should be.
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B. Thoughts from Generation 23
Student 1: Christina Ramiraz
She uses three examples from tv series to illustrate AUV between gender interaction. All three of the examples she used fit the AUV model exactly. Christina explains and gives solutions to these three couples in order to fit the unity model. When I first saw the “Gilmore Girls” scene, I didn’t know what to make of it. I thought that it was fine for the husband not to tell his wife; however, Christina makes a good point on how the couple’s been married for over 20 years. He should have really put his wife’s feelings into consideration. Also, in “The George Lopez Show,” same thing about considering the partner’s feelings, but this time on the wife’s side. I didn’t really think of the number of years a couple have been together would be a huge factor, but having that brought up makes sense. The saying of, “I have a lifetime to learn about my girl when we are married,” comes to mind. As people living together longer, they should share more and be more open with each other in order to fulfill the affective level in the unity model. Another thing Christina tried to show was communications between the people in “Desperate Housewives.” All the explanations given by her make sense to me and made me more aware of other factors in a relationship.
Student 2: Emilee Patinio
She also uses three tv series to illustrate AUV between gender interaction. I think she picked the three best illustrations to show the various AUV in society. Her results were: living together unmarried, promoting the idea that men are more rational than women, making it look like what women say and think as less important, making each other jealous on purpose, adultery for various reasons, promiscuity, flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason), having children out of wedlock, separate interests and activities accepted for partners, and lying to the partner in general. She tackled all these issues and showed how they are portrayed in the tv series. I was really surprise that all these AUV portrayed. When I was younger, I just watched the shows not knowing what was going on and trying understanding what was going on at the same time. All that I did think about and didn’t think about was explained quite well by Emilee.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
C. Movie Contrary to Unity Marriage:
Movie:
Love Actually-2004
Scene 1:
The husband (Harry) and his wife (Karen) have a family with two children. Harry has an affair with his secretary, and Karen finds out because of a company Christmas party when she sees them dancing intimately together. A confirmation of this affair is when Karen confronts Harry by asking him a rhetorical question of what would he do if a husband bought a gold necklace and didn’t give it to his wife for Christmas. He says that he’s made a fool of himself, and she tells him he made a fool of her and her life.
Scene 2:
Karl and Sarah are co-workers, whom Sarah have had a crush on Karl for over 2 years since she started working at the company. When the company Christmas party comes around, she finally gets to talk to him and more, but she answers the phone twice while having sex. This stops the fun and the possible relationship between her and Karl because her brother is not well and always needs her. She ends up giving up Karl to take care of her brother.
Scene 3:
Daniel is a single stepfather of a son name Sam. The scene is when he is in the hallway and bumps into a single mother walking the opposite direction. They had a connection. At the end, the movie shows them standing together at the airport gate waiting for Sam’s girlfriend Joann.
D. Reactions on the movie
(a) Discussion with Friends
My reactions for these scenes line up with the unity model; however, my friends think different. This scene fits the AUV for number 4, which is having adultery for various reasons. I know why Harry made the choice to have an affair, but he was clearly not thinking of his wife’s feelings. He kind of decided to let his secretary move in between him and his wife. A male friend wasn’t surprise that these things happen. He said it was “normal” for Harry to have a close relationship with their sexy secretary. Of course, he thought that it was wrong of Harry to have done what he did. He said that Harry was being selfish and wasn’t thinking. A female friend said, “shame on the man for having the affair,” and “shame on the woman for not confronting him when she first suspected something going on.” The wife should not have waited for him to tell her, but at the end it was good that she confronted him.
For the second scene, it fits into the AUV number 8 of having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things, but in this case the friend is her brother. In this situation, I thought it was harder on Sarah because she has to take on family responsibilities first and to neglect her own life as in pursuing her own relationship. I thought that it was unfair for the Carol not to consider Sarah’s feelings and her life. I thought that if it weren’t her brother calling, she would have left the phone ringing off the hook. Since this guy didn’t pursue after that one night, she should find someone who will understand her needs and will be willing to help her with her brother. My female friend thought that it’s okay if this guy doesn’t want her because she loves her brother more. She said that there are many guys out there and she doesn’t have to settle for him. On the other hand, he should have been more understanding of her situation and not worry about having sex at the moment. He could have waited and learn more about her situation before putting up the wall to her.
The third scene has been a social norm for a long time. In all my discussions with my friends, they thought that it’s okay for someone to remarry and be happy together. They didn’t think of the after life, but when I brought up the unity model about the after life, they disagreed. Some didn’t believe in an after life and others questioned about what about those who have more than one spouse. I somewhat follow the unity model and do believe in the after life, but I cannot say for sure what happens to those with more than one spouse.
(b) Why
did they think this way?
Most of the reactions I got from my friends, I expected. There reactions are mostly portrayed through the medias; however one of my friends is very strong in her ways of thinking and doesn’t follow the social norm. She keeps bringing up “it depends on the individual” and doesn’t believe in the after life. She is open to all the possibilities and doesn’t put a restrain on it. I didn’t judge their reaction and was open to what they had to say. The way they reacted was based on their past experiences in their lives, her parent’s lives, media, and other sources the society has huge influence over. These thought influences couples and societies in majority of negative reinforcement. They think that lots of these AUV are “okay” to do, such as the norm of the people having open affairs. The consequences for society to think this way affects adolescents and young women more because they are the next generation of people to come into society, they want to fit in, they want to survive, and they are probably the most vulnerable to these views. Peers and society put the most pressure on them to act a certain way and to live a life style acceptable according to them. The results of these ideas corrupt the unity model in people that’s why the percentage of divorce, having children out of wedlock, and affairs are so high.
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E. Songs Contrary to Unity Marriage
Song 1 Lyrics:
Loving You- Jennifer Lopez
Lyric AUV
|
Would you mind I can see when I look in your
eyes After all that we've been
through In the past, you would act as
if you don't really care Baby please... After all that we've been
through I believe you and me have the
chance to make this right After all that we've been
through, yeah... After all that we've been
through |
This song is about a woman talking to her man trying to convince him that there’s something wrong in their relationship. It’s one-sided emotion from the woman asking him to work things out. (AUV 19) Manipulating partner through deception. He seems to be okay, but she is hurting. So there is something he did to her that made her feel bad. (AUV 21) He is being dominant with his feelings and not showing what she wants to see. (AUV 19 + 20) Making it look normal for a man to abuse woman. Here he is abusing her verbally with arguing and disagreement in public which somewhat exploits her. (AUV 22) When arguing it’s making what the woman say and think as less important.
The overall song has a feeling of the woman being wrong and wanting the man to come back to her. There is no harmony on the cognitive or affective level in this relationship. |
Discussion:
This song lets young people know about relationships can be for women. It makes the woman look bad and weak. I see the affective side of the woman trying to achieve affective unity, however the man is disconnected from her. I feeling of this song also show the submissiveness of the woman to want the man back. She would do anything to understand him and to make things work. The male friends thought that this song wasn’t very good. They looked down on her for chasing after a love that was never meant to be. The man already left her and the part with them arguing anywhere shows that there’s disagreement between them. She should just let go. The female group I talked to was agreeing with the males. They thought that the woman is logical in trying to talk things out and understand what happen. On the other hand, it was clear that the man didn’t want her anymore, and she is chasing an empty “soul.” The AUV explained to these friends made them realize what was happening between the man and the woman. Most of them thought that it was the woman’s fault for doing something, but really it was the man not aligning his feeling with the woman’s. She tries to understand him but he puts up a wall between them. Their reactions were the same as mine before I went through the words. We all didn’t know what the song was about except that the woman is asking for the man to come back to her.
Song
2 Lyrics:
I’m
Gonna Miss Her-‘The Fishin’ Song’- Brad Paisley
Lyrics AUV
|
Well
I love her Well I'm gonna
miss her Now there's a
chance that if I hurry Well I'm gonna
miss her Yeah, I'm gonna miss her |
This song shows the dominance of society in how this is a man’s world and he does what he wants. (AUV 15) girls only or boys only entertainment, (AUV 7-9), but in this case, the best friend is an activity that is in competition with the wife/woman. (AUV 14) This couple doesn’t change for each other to have unity because they don’t influence each other resulting the unhappiness and leaving of the woman. The man has accepted it fact that fishing is more important than she is; therefore making distance between them. The assumption is that she left him because of his self desire to go fishing. (AUV 21) At this moment, he is doing what he likes, and contemplating the consequence of his decision, but he is still focused on pleasing himself with fishing. (AUV 23), accepting the idea that a man does not need to “grovel” when he apologizes for something bad he did to her. In this stanza, he says he can beg, but doesn’t, so he continue to do what he likes. (AUV 21) Affective Independence. |
Discussion:
The idea in this song is letting young people, mainly men, know that they can do what they want. In the song, it’s Brad Paisley’s voice singing with guys in the background cheering him on when he sings, “Well I’m gonna miss her.” This provokes and encourages the man to do what he wants. In addition, it portrays the dominance of a man in society that his wants are more important than the woman’s and it’s okay for her to leave him. He’ll be happy with his boys and his activities. This also shows that relationship isn’t important to him and her emotions are not important to him. The male friend thought that this song was AUV thinking that it was stupid to choose fishing over the girl. However, they said that she should have gone with him, which isn’t the point I was trying to make. The point was which is more important to the man, fishing or his lover. The female friends had more or less the same feelings saying that the guys are stupid and thick headed. She is confronting him about their relationship, but he ignores her thinking it’s okay. One friend said, if she really loved him, she should have stopped him from going. Maybe she’s tired of him neglecting her, so it was good that the woman left him to show him she’s serious about his decision of fishing is more important to him.
Overall:
Majority of my friends said that when they listen to music, they usually listen to the melody and how catchy the song is. They don’t realize what the song’s underline meaning is, what the words are, and don’t really pay much attention to it. When I presented them with these two songs, they said that consciously they aren’t even paying attention to the lyrics. It’s almost automatic when the song comes on they just know the words and only the words itself. Many of them were surprise to hear that these songs show AUV. They didn’t even know what AUV was until I explained it to them. I am not surprise by their reaction because I was the same way before I have to listen to the words and analyze the meaning of it.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. What’s online?
Forum
Links:
1. http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=start&lgnF=y&webtag=ab-marriage
2. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f6/
3. http://www.familylife.com/community/forums/ubb/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=forum;f=4
4. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/forumdisplay.php?forumid=13
When I was going through these sites, I realized that all of the people posting have some sort of problem in their marriage, fear in the marriage, fearful thoughts that might hinder the marriage, looking for advice about certain feelings towards their spouse, asking questions if something is okay, and it just seems like a lot of marriages with small problems.
For example, taking the first site, the forum title, “Are we hanging on for the right reasons?” is a man expressing his feelings for his wife. They love each other very much and have three children. The problem with this marriage is he feels that there is something missing or there is someone else out there for him. He says that his wife isn’t his “soul mate.” From his long blog, according to the equity model in the lecture notes, they don’t have cognitive harmony. He talks about his interests, his likes, his preference, but she doesn’t seem to find any of them to her liking and she back away from them. He gives her credit for the things she does, but on the level of knowledge interest, there doesn’t seem like anything is there. When he felt like there’s something missing, he went ahead to have an affair with a co-worker. Later he told his wife everything considering her feelings. The unity model talk about the man at the affective level considers and understands his wife’s feelings. This brings them to marriage counseling in helping him feel better but doesn’t help them feel better.
Another example of marriage problem is from link 2, forum title “BF and H HATE Each other!” This’ BF’ is best friend and the ‘H’ stands for husband. In this case, the wife is putting the best friend in higher priority than the husband. She is portraying AUV 7, where she tells her best friend everything about the marriage and asks her advice. He doesn’t like that and is hates the best friend. Other people commented on this affair, and I would agree with them. The wife has to put her husband’s feelings first in order for them to have affective harmony. Right now, she has her husband is not agreeing cognitively about how she tells her best friend everything about the marriage. The unity model explains that the man and the woman’s feelings are supposed to be aligned so that there is no disagreement. This also means that the priority of each other is first instead of someone else interfering in the marriage.
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G. Books out there
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Paperback) by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver
This book is related to the unity model by giving solutions for couple to achieve the unity model. It gives 4 martial killers and 7 principles for couples to read, learn, and use. Many of the reviews on this book were positive. One of the reviews talked about “turning to your partner,” which means recognizing the partner’s need and when they want to connect. With these levels in mind, the dominance model and equity model are also discussed here. This is moving on to the affective level of the unity model.
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry (Hardcover) by Leslie Parrott, Les Parrott III
This book seems like it helps the couple develop into the affective level. It helps all couple at all stages of their lives, but mostly for unmarried couples who are planning on spending the rest of their lives together. Pastors have used this book for marriage counseling, but they say that the principles in it aren’t just for religious people. It’s spiritual in a sense where the two people become one. I think this book will help couples to be conjugial cognitively and affectively.
WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL: AND HOW YOU CAN MAKE YOURS
LAST (Paperback)
by John Gottman
This book talks on all three levels of unity model: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. It gives advice on the habits of the couple, how to communicate better, and finally on the feelings and psychology of the two. It is also beneifial for the men to read the book in order to understand the women and how the marriage works. There are solutions in ways to work out conflict between the couples. If they don’t work out the solutions then there is no love between them. Basically, this book is another one to help a couple better their marriage on all three levels of their lives.
Other books you can look at:
Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of
Questions for Couples (Paperback)
by Corey Donaldson
Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing
Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised (Paperback)
by Howard
J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg
Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How
Love Conquered Marriage (Hardcover)
by Stephanie Coontz
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H. What to do! What not to do!
My
Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/wong/wong-home.htm
G24
Class Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm