PSY 409B – February 22, 2006

Men have feelings too you know?

Naomi Wong-outline 5

Schlessinger, Laura, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Harper Collins Publishers, Inc., 2001, pages 110-123.

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

A. Men’s feelings

Warning to women, men have feelings too. Most men just want to be heard, hugged, and supported. Women have to realize that men don’t naturally ‘open up’ about their feelings, and when they do, these responds should be taken at face value. Not everything they say are deep, so overanalyzing something they say may bring trouble. Another thing is that men and women have different ways in judging things; so respect is the key to remember.
Mistakes Women make in communicating with their husbands:

a) Dropping subtle hints when they want something- results in only being sensitive to their own feelings and not needs and not to their husbands.

b) When wanting advice or venting- results in men not knowing what to do, either help find solution or listen? When do to what?

c) Not telling what she wants- results men doesn’t read minds, be blunt

d) Assumptions of what the man will do and complains- results the man from actually making a decision because she somehow already knew what he was going to do when he doesn’t even know himself

e) Not being direct with her husband, dropping hints that are hard to follow or unintelligible- results in men not knowing what she wants to talk about or what’s wrong

f) Making assumptions that men should automatically and magically know how and what the woman needs and desires are

Women should keep this in mind: “Actually believing that a husband has a wife’s welfare in mind, actually believing that he doesn’t intend to hurt or disappoint, and being able to see the positive amidst the negative are the keys to the good feelings a wife can have about her husband.”

a) Treating a husband well

b) Try giving him some of what the woman likes

c) Look at life from his perspective

Women should keep in mind that it is not effect to get a man to do something is by: arguing, nagging, threatening, condemning, punishing, or getting angry, they should approach the man in a positive and lovely way. He will then be more than happy to help her.
Solutions for Women

a) Men are impressed by honesty, not manipulation

b) Wives should make sincere, short requests or else the husband will forget or lose interest

c) Treat men as experts to solve tough problems. Lift their egos up.

d) Reward them when they do something

e) Loving reminders. Don’t nag or get mad.

B. Where’s the woman I dated?

Many women seem to contract the “Frump syndrome” when they become mothers. This is when she starts to wear pajamas, socks, and oversized shirts around the house with no make-up, uncombed hair, and just not as sexy as she used to be during the dating period. In addition to these symptoms, she also think that their husbands are suppose to love her, adored her, protect her, etc. without thinking it should be reciprocated. Therefore she is unhappy with the marriage.
However, the solution to this is for the woman to change her attitude, looks, and mood to being more feminine in order to attract her husband. She needs to think of her husband’s need, which is giving herself to him and to make herself presentable for his pleasure. The wife should tune into her husband’s needs for them to share the happiness that was lacked when she was all caught up in house chores and other things that may separate a husband and a wife.

My thoughts:

This chapter is directed to the women. It’s all the do(s) and don’t(s) in a relationship that’s been happening in unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. All the things are were mentioned here seems to be can go both ways. In this I mean that men can act the same way as women in dropping subtle hints and not being direct with their women. They both have a responsibility in communicating with each. It is not all the women’s fault in not realizing men have feelings. Society sets up a framework for men to act a certain way and that is where the stereotypes come from. Men should keep in mind that they have a choice in how they act and how they treat their other half. They cannot just sit there and say that my other half does this wrong or my other half does this without realizing. In a way that is selfish. They have to think about the woman and how she feels. All the first part of this section is putting the woman down. In the Unity Model, men are the one who tends to the woman and the ones to make her happy. If they complain about what they are doing wrong, it’s his fault. The second part of this chapter, I would have to agree with Dr. Laura. A woman should not fall back from her appearance for her husband after she gets married. Although she does get busy with work at home with the house chores and the children, she must not forget she is first a wife to her husband. He comes before anything else, but at the same time, the husband should realize what his wife is going through. They must communicate to each other their feelings in order to meet each other’s needs.

Links:

http://www.celebratelove.com/support.htm

This link explains why men don’t should their feelings because they are not brought up to share, and why they come home after a hard day to “dump” on their wives. It also brings up the men support group how they are helpful for men to express their feelings. In this support group, men only listen and not one person can give advice or pass judgment. This also improves men in their personal lives.

http://www.lib.sk.ca/booksinfo/DailyHerald/DH1995/dh950121.html

This links talks about men not knowing how to express their feelings, and how they are focused on physical concrete things. It also talks about how it is not good for men not to know how to talk about his emotions and that a men’s group is helpful to improve him. It’s interesting having a man write this article explain the feelings of a man.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40092/

This links is like a message board for people to ask questions and advice about sex life and marriage. A man talks about how his wife of three pushes him away when he’s asking for sex, and always answers that she is just too tired. Someone else would response with the same experience having experience it or being the one not giving sex. It seems to be a very good place to discuss these problems with people who are going through the same thing.

My Home Page:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/wong/wong-home.htm

Class Home Page is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm