PSY 409B – April 28, 2006
For the Husbands
Coleman, Joshua, The Lazy Husband, St. Martin’s Press, New York, 2005, (pages 182-206).
Instructions for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm
Introduction
· Research by John Gottman explains that wives are more interested in sex when men are more willing to do housework.
· If the husband help relieve some of the housework stress off the wife, she will be more happy and more giving to the husband in bed.
· Sex for a husband makes him feel important.
· Sex for a wife is the result of marital satisfaction. Something she is also looking for in a man is someone who is willing to help raise children, do housework, talk about this feelings and be affectionate.
· But I can’t meet her standards for housework
-men shouldn’t use her high standards as reasons not to help out
-he should tell her with love that he would like to help out by saying, “I understand that this is really important to you, and your happiness is important to me. Because of these two facts, I’m glad to think about ways that I can do more around the house.”
· Methods:
1. Write out a list with her of what she’d like you to do
2. See if there are bargains that can be made
3. Don’t fight with her so much
· Another thing is men need to be stronger with his wife and not let her fun over him or else he’ll retreat from her and parenting.
· Remember that people act the way they are because of how they were raised and what they learned from their former life.
· Fathers may be less involved with their kids because the mother may be overly involved.
· Men tend to be less responsive with it comes to kids because they want their kids to experience risk, adventure, and a sense of anxiety.
· Fathers who are more involved with their children have children that do better in life, have a greater sense of emotional security, and are far closer to their fathers when they are older.
· Fathers should try to be more involved and communicate with his wife that he wants to take part of his children’s lives.
· Appreciations are the most important thing.
-Means that the husband doesn’t take the wife for granted
-Means that the husband loves her
· Appreciating her for herself
-What’s meaningful to her
-Areas she’s vulnerable in
-Reassure her of her anxiety and self-criticism
· What if she really bugs?
-Structure the compliant
a. Begin with an appreciation
b. Say how serious it is on a scale of 1-10
c. Use nonblaming language
d. Take responsibility for you end of the problem
e. Ask for solutions
f. Thank her for listening
· Don’t be so defensive
-Listen to her
-Be affectionate with her
-Don’t get defensive
-Ask questions so to be helpful
· The Download
-Listen to her day even if you’re not interested
-“The secret to marital success isn’t voicing every rude thought or reaction you have.”
-She’ll be happier if she knows that you believe her feelings are important to you
· The Stone Wall
-This is when the man withdraws and puts up a wall of silent.
-Wives don’t like husband to close up because it make them go nuts and it shows that the men isn’t involved in the marriage.
-If men complain, it makes the wives know that they are engaged in the marriage
-It’s not good to put up a wall because this will built distance and then withdrawal from the marriage.
· Talk about feelings
-This is a way for husbands and wives to connect.
-Talk about anything and everything. It doesn’t mean the husband has to talk about emotional things all the time.
-The wife just wants someone to talk to.
· Be affectionate
-Showing affections are the number one important thing they seek in a man.
· Change takes time.
My Thoughts:
I thought that all the things Coleman covered were important, and it made sense logically. When I think about the unity model, I find that Coleman stands at an equity level. He addressed the wives about her issues and tells the men how to change. In a way he is working with both persons in one marriage. One thing that stuck to me when I was reading this was I was comparing my father to the men Coleman are talking about. My father has some good characteristics of a husband in him because of his past experience. He went to work from 6am to 6pm and still came home to take care of the housework, cook, and took care of us (the kids). I know that he’s always very tired at the end of the day, but he says that he does all these things because he can, because he wants to help my mom out, and because if he doesn’t do it, no one will do it. My mom worked many late nights, so he was the one to take care of us. I think one thing my father lacks is the emotional and physical loving with my mom. He’s one of those men that doesn’t show affection, maybe because of our cultural background. In the Chinese culture, neither of the parents show much of physical affection to their children, but they however, encourages and puts shame on the kids to do well in school. Another thing about my father is that is doesn’t know how to talk. I say this because his form of love to his family is through action and not words, so it’s difficult to say, “I love you,” or any emotional things out loud. I think this also has to do with the gender and culture.
Links:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,164441,00.html
This link is an article by foxnew.com about husbands and fathers in society. It also states many quotes from authors who have written books to men and about lazy husbands. Another thing is this article brings in the childhood experiences and different examples in the media about men.
http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/How_to_Make_a_Woman_Happy.aspx
This link talks about how to make a woman happy. It states the three A’s that a woman needs: appreciation, attention, and affection. With these three keys, it will strengthen the relationship so much more.
http://www.womenof.com/Articles/fc_6_28_04.asp
This link is interesting in how it tells parents how they should make time for each person. The most important person to set time for is the spouse. This also brings the kids into the picture in helping the marriage be happier. For example, letting the kids know that there’s “mommy and daddy,” and they can’t disturb them. In addition to these time, they also have “family day,” so that everyone in the family is happy.
My Home Page:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/wong/wong-home.htm
Class Home Page is:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm