Report 2:

Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing
by Lida Atkinson

Love is a many-splendored thing,

It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,

Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,

The golden crown that makes a man a king.

Once on a high and windy hill,

In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,

Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,

Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing.

The instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 6, 14, 7, 13 and 15.

The Question I am answering is Question 6:

(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.

(b) Go to Dr. Phil's Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378 and look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for example here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
you can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil's approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).

IS SEX HEAVEN OR HELL?

Humans seem to recognize that there is a difference between sex, the physical act, and sex, the act of making love. The physical act is the same, but the emotions are different. There have been many attempts to coin phrases that explain or illustrate the differences. Crude language is often used to describe the act of sex without emotional attachment between partners, for example ;( WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE) fucking, screwing, banging, getting laid. The language used to describe sex with an emotion connection is florid, for example; making-love, marital bliss, wooing, romance, passion. In Dr. James’ Unity Model of Marriage, he describes the difference as one belonging “to our heavenly mind of higher nature, the other to our hellish mind or lower nature.”

In a study of brain activity associated with love, it was found that different regions of the brain are active for people that are “in-love” verses just sexually attracted. (Aron, 2005) This same study also noted that the brain activity altered and increased with the length of the relationship. This kind of data seems to back up Dr. James diagram in section 5.1 that illustrates the progression of a unity marriage. His idea of the three-fold self, the sensorimotor, the cognitive and the affective, combined with the three phases of a unity marriage, the dominance phase, the equity phase and the unity phase, seem to follow a pattern that researchers are just beginning to understand in terms of neurological activity.

The combination of the three-fold self with the three phases of unity marriage model is divided into the four phases of sexuality. Dr. James adds a “Phase 0” to indicate the level of sexuality that is common for most modern people to start with. This phase was described to me in a sex education class as “sexual experimentation,” a time when people have many sexual experiences with many different partners. The American lexicon has even given this behavior a label, anonymous sex. This phase lacks a connection on the affective, cognitive and even sensorimotor level because the partner is relegated to an inanimate object. I would add masturbation to this phase because of the lack of involvement of the three-fold self.

“Phase 1” consists of sensorimotor involvement only. This is the act of sex between two people that are monogamous, but have not progresses to higher levels of intimacy. The cognitive and affective parts of the couple are either not involved or are not at the same level. This is considered the male dominance phase of the Unity Model because it is the man that resists joining his cognitive and affective self to the relationship.

The equity phase of marriage is where we find “Phase 2” sexuality. The couple is trying to produce a relationship that is equal, where both parties give and get the same amount of intimacy. The man has now learned to say and do the things that will get him what he needs, but he still resists involving his affective self. His feelings are concentrated on the equality of the intimacy he is getting verses the intimacy he is giving.

It is not until the man releases his affective self to his wife that the couple is in unity and experiencing “Phase 3” sexuality. At this phase the couple is complete unity with each other and intimacy reflects this with a heightened sexual satisfaction. This is the phase that inspires great love songs, stories and innovation. A person in the unity phase of marriage and intimacy is free of self-imposed mental roadblocks. They are more than an individual, they have the other half of themselves to help them be and do more.

So this brings us back to the differences between sex and making love. Dr. James explains that Swedenborg teaches the difference as the “love of sex” is an outward projection aimed at many while the “love of one of the sex and with one” is an inner bonding of eternal love that transcends human existence. The first is selfish while the second is selfless.

THE DOCTOR IS IN THE HOUSE

(b) Go to Dr. Phil's Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378 and look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for example here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil's approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).

Dr. Phil McGraw is a clinical psychologist that has earned a reputation for his down-home, common sense style of counseling. He has won fame for television show and his many books. His relationship advice is widely sought by viewers and celebrities, alike. He provides advice on his web site on a number of topics. I choose to use his advice titled “Your Troubled Sex Life” to highlight what I have learned in this class.

In this article Dr. Phil is giving his advice to both men and women about their joint sexuality. If first suggestion is to not use sex for the foundation of a relationship, but to first create a good relationship and the sex will follow. This does not stray to far from the Unity model, which views problems in sex as a symptom of problems in mental intimacy.

Dr. Phil describes sex as “an act that can flow freely only with mental, emotional and physical trust”. This is very much like Dr. James’ three sexual phases, the mental is the cognitive phase, the emotional is the affective phase and the physical is the sensorimotor phase. Dr. Phil encourages couples to ask themselves “Are you creating an environment of giving, receiving, trust and relaxation?” The major difference in Dr. Phil’s advice is that it is directed to both the man and the woman.

Dr. James feels that a woman naturally seeks conjugial love that does not require her to change her views on the marriage. Her sexual desire is a direct reflection of her husband’s commitment of his three-fold self. Both feel that sex should not be compulsory but should be an expression of their conjoint selves, but Dr. Phil seems to believe that both men and women desire and resist conjugial love equally.

MY THOUGHTS

I have never really watched or read anything by Dr. Phil, so I thought that Dr. James was sending us to this web site as example of male dominance counseling. What I found surprised me. Dr. Phil’s advice was very similar to the Unity Model. His exploration of what women want from a relationship was best put into words by one of his guest, “There's a need for us to have a connection. It's not this fast grope, grab, go ... An intimacy. A give and take. Conversation. Be interested in what I'm saying, and communicate. That seems to be a lost concept."

The biggest difference that I found was the lack of spirituality. Eternity is never mentioned and the idea of a soul-mate is used more as a joke than an incentive to acquire a unity relationship. Another difference was that while Dr. Phil acknowledges there are differences between men and women, he dispenses his advice equally to both. In his good-old-boy style he says “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

The Question I am answering is Question 14:

(a) Explore the song analysis technique used by students in the 1982 generation: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?

(b) Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 students in 2006:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/ See their Report 1, section (e).
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?

(c) Read the article titled "Why Britney Spears Matters" at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to the unity model and the three phases.

(e) What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters, young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with the situation?

LOVE IN SONGS

The songs presented on this site are analyzed by and earlier class of Dr. James. I believe that the class was a social psychology class and the analyses reflect the songs’ relevance to societal themes. When viewed under the auspices Unity Values and Anti-Unity values we begin to see a more person connection. We begin to associate the words in the song with our personal experiences.

In the song The Stranger analyzed by Gareth Hataye & Susan Kaguni the first line of the song talks about secret faces that we all have.

1. Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever

The social psychological analysis: WE ALL HAVE PARTS OF OUR PERSONALITIES THAT WE HIDE: INTERNAL PERSON

Anti-Unity Values analysis: 11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners 12. Manipulating partner through deception

In the song The Bond of Love analyzed by Richard Kim Wah Au the love is proclaimed by counting the couples spirit as one entity and joining that entity with the heavenly realm.

2. We have joined our spirit with the Spirit of God

The social psychological analysis: The common and the bonding forces of the feeling when we joined our spiritual self with the Spirit of God.

Unity Value analysis: Romantic love and sexual passion progressively increase throughout the years of marriage, and then afterward in eternity

LOVE IN SONGS II

In Monitoring Anti-Unity Values in the Media by Cynthia Adams, she writes that she had seen many examples of anti-unity values in songs and chose to pick relatively mild songs. She analyzed the song When Love Comes to Town by U2. Her analysis is of the entire song and note line by line as in the previous generation.

She states that “The lyrics of this song reflect several anti unity values about having sex and then being left and abandon”. I agree that this is the general sentiment of the song but I would go a little further and list the AUV’s.

I was a sailor, I was lost at sea
I was under the waves
Before love rescued me
I was a fighter, I could turn on a thread
Now I stand accused of the things I’ve said

To me this section shows that the man recognized that he had a chance at conjugial love but let his resistance to conjunction drive away his love. He created an atmosphere of anger by saying things he did not mean.

Love comes to town I’m gonna jump that train
When love comes to town I’m gonna catch that flame
Maybe I was wrong to ever let you down
But I did what I did before love came to town

This shows that the man was willing to use the woman for his own pleasures before he realized that he could conjoin with her and because of that he feels that she will never forgive him.

I used to make love under a red sunset
I was making promises I was soon to forget
She was pale as the lace of her wedding gown
But I left her standing before love came to town

Again, the man was willing to lie to the woman for his own pleasure. He even went as far to make vows with her when he never had any intention of keeping them.

BRITNEY IS THE ROLE MODEL OF TODAY

c) Read the article titled "Why Britney Spears Matters" at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to the unity model and the three phases.

In this article the author is trying answer the question of whether Britney Spears is a positive role model for young girls of today. She looks to the girl groups of the 60’s to provide a litmus test of the impact of female pop rock stars have on women. She concludes that acts such as the Shirelles and the Supremes helped a generation of women cross sexual and cultural barriers, while, at the same time, providing a bonding experience for a whole generation of women.

She agrees that Spears’ songs may provide the same bonding experience and allow young women to feel more comfortable that others may feel as they do, but she is concerned the sexually explicit nature of Spears’ songs are too mature for the marketed audience. She feels the sexuality of the songs may be instructional for older girls who wish to experiment with different identities, but that it may cause younger girls to see themselves only as sexual beings.

It seems that this author is fine with Spears’ sexually explicit lyrics and videos; it is just the age of her target audience that bothers her. She feels that 12 is the appropriate age for young girls to try out their sexual passiveness or aggression but that it might cause girls of 6 to 10 to view themselves only as sex objects for men with no other value. The author makes the suggestion the Spears “expand her image to include intellectual, career-driven, or athletic facets” to put her on par with the “girl” groups of 60’s.

NOT FOR CHILDREN

(e) What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters, young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with the situation?

Britney Spears’ songs and videos are entertainment. They do not matter. If you like it watch it, if you do not like it do not watch it. We, as adults, can make these choices. When it comes to children, we have to teach them the difference between fantasy and reality. I do not believe we can keep our children from seeing videos and listening to music that objectify and denigrate women, but we can certainly teach them to recognize it when they see it. With recognition, we can teach them to become careful consumers.

Do I think everyone will take the time to teach their children? No, but I can encourage the people I know to not consume crap and maybe they will convince a few more. If people stop buying and watching this stuff then TV and music companies will quit making it. Free enterprise at its best!

The Question I am answering is Question 7:

(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you discuss the three phases in relation to conversational style (dominant style, equity style, and unity style).

(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)

LOVE TALK

Have you ever had an argument and by the end of the argument you could not remember what you were originally arguing about? Have you ever said things to your partner that you knew were just mean? Have you ever turned away from an argument because you could not figure out how to win? These examples, and there are many more, are common mistakes made by couples that have not reached unity in their marriage.

Conversation is everything to humans. It is what separates us from other animal. It is how we relate to the community and society around us and how we conjoin with another person in marriage. Within the 3 models of marriage, dominance, equity and unity, conversation between husband and wife changes style. It is differences in style that allow us to gage unity in our selves and others. Since we cannot see the thoughts and feelings behind someone else’s words, we can only observe the behavior or sensorimotor part of another.

In the dominance model the man is trying to remain independent from his wife. He wishes and preferences must take precedence in order to remain separate. His conversational style will reflect this by his willingness to interrupt her, to yell at her and to physically impose his views and will on her. Most of us have encountered this, if not in our lives then in someone else’s life. I can remember being at function for my husbands work and meeting a couple. When my husband introduced me to the wife, I ask her what she “did”. Before she could ever open her mouth, the husband piped-up “oh, she doesn’t do anything but sit at home on the couch”. I was appalled and when I looked at the woman she was shamed. I reached over to the woman and patted her hand and said “That” motioning to her husband “would not inspire me to get up off the couch either.”

Hopefully, a marriage quickly passes into the equity model. The husband is still resistant to unity but thinks he has found a happy medium. He now feels that he should “win” some arguments while his wife should “win” some also. He is trying to make it 50/50. He still wants his independence but is willing to negotiate for it. For example, he might advocate that he have a “Guys” night out on the same day she should have a “Girls” night out. He will resist imposing his views on her, but will defend them to the bitter end. He has learned to be more subversive to get what he wants through the use of lies and manipulations.

When the unity model is reached the husband truly cares and is interested in what his wife has to say. He is welcoming and dynamic in their conversations. I find that it is easier to identify a man in a unity marriage when he is not in her presence. A husband that talks about his wife in glowing terms and can tell you what her interests and activities are is a man that listens to his wife. He takes no opportunity to promote himself over his wife and considers her insight as guide for himself.

THE IMATURE MAN

I am going to use excerpts from Good Will Hunting to illustrate conversational styles in the dominance and equity phases of conversation.

SCENE 1

Skylar and Will are on their second date and she is trying to get to know him.

1. SKYLAR: Do you got lots of brothers and sisters?

She is propping for personal information in order to determine their ability to conjoin.

2. WILL: Do I have a lot of brothers and sisters?

He is using evasive maneuvers in order to not reveal the embracement of being a poor and abused orphan.

3. SKYLAR: That's what I said.

4. WILL: Well, I'm Irish Catholic. What do you think?

5. SKYLAR: Oh...That's right. But how many?

6. WILL: Aw, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

7. SKYLAR: Why? Go on. What? Five? Seven? Eight? How many?

8. WILL: I have twelve big brothers.

She has resisted his efforts to evade the question and now lies to her.

9. SKYLAR: What're they called?

She suspects a lie but allows herself to be convinced.

10. WILL: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.

SCENE 2

Skylar has professed her love for Will and has asked him to move to California with her. He is resisting.

11. SKYLAR: Then why? Why won't you come? What are you so scared of?

She has correctly identified that will is scared and genuinely wants to know why so that she may alleviate those fears.

12. WILL: What am I so scared of?

Will is yelling now and is standing over her, intimidating her.

13. SKYLAR: Well, what aren't you scared of? You live in this safe little world where no one challenges you and you're scared shitless to do anything else but defend yourself because that would mean you'd hafta' change.

She is now pointing out a flaw in Will that he has recently discovered but is still unwilling to change.

14. WILL: Oh no. Don't, don't, don't tell me about my world. Don't tell me about my world! I mean you just wanna have you fling with like the guy from the other side of town. Then you're going to go off to Stanford, you're going to marry some rich prick who your parents will approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund babies and talk about how you went slumming too, once.

Will’s unwillingness to change is making him push her further away. Although, he does not call her names he calls her a “trust fund baby” which he knows hurts her. He also denigrates her proffered declaration of love by accusing her of “slumming”.

WHAT IT ALL MEANS

In the first scene, the conversational style between the couple in the equity model because of the newness of the relationship. They are just beginning to know one and other and interest is equal on both sides. Even though this should be a time for truth, Will is withholding his past and lying so that he can retain control of the courtship. Lines 2 through 8 are all diversionary tactics. He is trying to make up his mind about how much of his true self he is willing to share with her.

In scene 2 Skylar is trying bring them closer to unity by asking him to move to California with her. His disagreement with her prompts her to probe a little deeper into his motivations for retaining his independence. Will’s response is one of total dominance. By line 12 he is prepared to dominate her rather than opening up to her. By line 14 he is does not care how she feels and physically dominating her by yelling, name calling and physically wild gestures and movements.

The Question I am answering is Question 13:

(a) Go to this site: www.ard.net/Inspirational/Marriage_Stages/marriage_stages.shtml You will see a brief article The Four Distinct Stages of Marriage. Analyze each stage in relation to the nine zones of the ennead chart. What is missing in each stage they describe? How could their Stage 4 be modified (or Stage 5 added) in order to indicate even greater success of the marriage?

(b) Analyze the seven stages of marriage in this Readers Digest article on the Web:
www.rd.com/openContentCategory.do?contentCategoryId=703 For each stage, look at the list of items provided and evaluate them from the perspective of the unity model. Be sure to analyze them or group them in terms of the threefold self and the type of interaction (phase).

WHAT IS MISSING IN MARRIAGE

Stage 1: Romance Period

The author suggests that the courting and time immediately following is the time of romance. He feels the romance develops and is perpetuated because the partners have created fantasies and expectations about each other that may not be real. He claims that the couples do not really care to know the other person, but instead prefer the fantasy. At first blush the author seems to identify a very common problem in marriages, as you read further you begin to discover that, although the author is addressing both partners, that his language and suggestions are aimed at women.

I interoperate the first stage to be saying that women come into a relationship with a romantic expectation of the man and that they will fool themselves into believing their own fantasy. Looking at it from the unity model, the man tries to hide his true self from the woman in order to remain independence. The first stage of marriage should be one of discovery. This is the time when the partners should explore their values and beliefs to see if they are compatible. Since so many marriages do not start this way we end up with most of them in the dominance model. The man tries to control the woman while at the same time remain independent from her. Of course she feels like he did not live up to her expectations and she becomes unhappy and then he feels she did not live up to his expectations.

Stage 2: Tug-of-war

The author describes a period of deep discontentment when faced with the reality of the person they married. The level of anger he describes is truly freighting. He believes that the partners will try to fill some of expectations but will resent that they are forced to do so and will tug back and forth to fight for their views. Once again, the author is addressing both partners but I can not help feeling that he is aiming this at women in an attempt to make them accept their fate. His advice is that both parties keep the lines of communication open and share their desires and expectations, but that they remain separate in their independent lives.

This sounds like a description of the equity model but I believe there are still affective and cognitive dominance in what the author describes. For example, while suggesting that a couple have open communication he also reminds the readers that “This type of communication can assist the partners in recognizing the individuality of each other as being supreme”. He accuses any partner (I believe he really means women) that feels threatened by the values of the other of insecurities. So if you are a wife that feels threatened by your husband’s value of remaining friends with old girlfriends, it is just your own insecurity and your husband should not feel guilt for your torment.

Stage 3: I Give Up

The frustrations that have built up in the first two stages have caused the partners to give up the fight (I would think so!). The author says that the partners turn away from each other and begin to work on themselves. He believes that this is a good thing, that individual growth is necessary even if it removes you from the marriage. Remember the author believes that the “individual is supreme.” He suggests that the partners begin to develop a path of life separate from their mate. He admits that there is some danger in growing so far apart that the partners have nothing left in common, but thinks that if in the small amount of time that their individual lives come together they communicate, all will be well.

I do not believe that this stage has any corresponding stage in the unity model. At this point the partners are married in name only. I find it interesting that the author never mentions sex in this article. Because if you are in this stage of marriage when do you find time to have sex and why would you want to? There is no dominance, no equity, and certainly no unity at this stage. You would have more unity with co-workers or your neighbors. The author even warns against “giving in on certain values” (he does not name the certain values) because of its threat to individuality.

Stage 4: Ideal Marriage

If you make through the first 3 stages (which is doubtful) the author promises that you will begin to look at each other for what you truly are. He believes after the long separation the partners will gain a new interest in each other, a respect of their individual talents and interests. He does not say how this develops, just that it happens. The author’s description of cognitive and the affective are in the unity model, but the separate individualism is part of the sensorimotor equity model. This model of marriage seems to be a model for failure. The emphasis on remaining two separate entities seems counterintuitive to the unity model

YOU MIGHT BE MARRIED IF…

STAGE 1: PASSION

· You see yourselves as newlyweds

o Affective and Cognitive, the phase is harder to say because you may think and feel this way in the dominance and unity phases.

· You feel madly in love

o Affective, Unity phase

· You crave your partner when you're apart, and when you're together, you live in your own private romantic world

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· Your relationship is all about passion, excitement, sex, and intimacy

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· You have a hard time focusing on things other than your relationship

o Cognitive, Dominance phase

· You've been married for two years or less (though some couples report the honeymoon phase lasting five years or longer!)

STAGE 2: REALIZATION

· You find yourselves negotiating things you never worried about before

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· You are frequently explaining things about yourself to your partner

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· You spend lots of time establishing rules for how you'll function as partners

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· Your partner suddenly seems less than perfect -- you discover he or she has flaws and imperfections just like everybody else

o Cognitive, Dominance phase

· For the first time, you find your spouse irritating, annoying, even boring

o Affective, Dominance phase

· You have asked yourself recently if you made the right choice in a mate

o Cognitive, Dominance phase

· You've been married for at least six months (couples may start experiencing the challenges of the Realization stage even sooner, or as long as two years after marrying)

STAGE 3: REBELLION

· You and your spouse are having regular power struggles

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· You or your spouse has had an affair -- or is close to having one

o Sensorimotor, Cognitive, Affective, Dominance phase

· One or both of you feel a consistent desire for freedom and independence to pursue individual interests

o Cognitive, Affective, Equity phase

· You find yourself backing away from your spouse and your marriage

o Affective, Dominance phase

· You've been married for at least two years -- although the Rebellion stage can start early in a marriage (especially if you lived together first or dated for a long time before your marriage) and last for years or even decades

STAGE 4: COOPERATION

· You have children living at home

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· You have bought a house or condominium in the past five years

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· Both you and your spouse have dynamic professional careers

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· Money management is a big issue due to lots of money either coming into or going out of your accounts

o Sensorimotor, Cognitive, Equity phase

· Your to-do list on any given day is so long it could never be completed in 24 hours

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase

· You've been happily married for more than five years

STAGE 5: REUNION

· Your children have left home or can take care of themselves

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· Your careers are running smoothly

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase, Unity phase

· You have more time for yourselves

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· Your finances are at least somewhat secure

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase, Unity phase

· The two of you can start and finish a conversation without frequent interruptions

o Sensorimotor, Equity phase, Unity phase

· You perceive your spouse more as a business partner than as a soul mate

o Cognitive, Affective, Unity phase

· You've been married 15 to 25 years

STAGE 6: EXPLOSION

· You or your spouse has just experienced a major career, health, or parenting crisis

o Sensorimotor, can happen in any phase

· Catastrophe has struck your home or family

o Sensorimotor, can happen in any phase

· A major positive experience has just happened, like winning a lottery or getting a promotion that dramatically changes your role at work and at home

o Sensorimotor, can happen in any phase

STAGE 7: COMPLETION

· The "building" stages of your marriage -- kids, career, saving for the future -- are over

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· Health and happiness are more important issues today than career and child-raising

o Sensorimotor, Cognitive, Affective, Unity phase

· Fighting between you and your spouse has declined substantially in recent years

o Sensorimotor, Unity phase

· You've been married more than 25 years

The Question I am answering is Question 15:

(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?

(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that are popular.

(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?

FINDING YOUR SOUL-MATE

(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?

Evolutionary psychology looks at mate selection in terms of trait selection. Certain traits are preferable or necessary for survival. This is often used to explain why men prefer young nubile women and women prefer older and more secure men. The man is trying give himself the best chance at producing offspring, which may also explain his rather poor history with monogamy. If the goal is to just produce offspring then you want to mate with as many females as possible. If you want to ensure that you have offspring and that live to have offspring of their own then you find a monogamous relationship. Not an easy choice for men.

Women seem to describe in one of two ways, either choosy of not-choosy. Most of the focus of research is on the choosy females because it is thought that they contribute the most to natural selection. A choose peahen will choose the peacock with biggest and brightest tail feathers (Hewett). Presumably, this is because his tail feathers are an indication of his fitness and virility. By this same theory a choosy woman will look for a big, strong, viral husband and try to keep him around until the kids are grow.

I can kind of see the parallel between the peahen/peacock theory and humans, but we live much longer than we use to. When the peahen was done with the peacock she did not care that his plumage made him a target for predators, but if we want a monogamous life relationship then we will probably be together 40 or 50 years. So the traits that made him or her good parents and producers/providers may not be the same traits that will allow a couple to live together forever.

Dr. James says that a belief in eternity is necessary for a unity marriage. You must believe that you be with a person in what ever comes after life in order to conjoin fully. This is not a new idea, in fact, it is rather old. It is a rather ambiguous statistic but about 80% of Americans believe in God. The world wide number is similar if not a little higher. So I can say that most people believe that there is something that happens to us after death besides being nailed in a box. I believe that this belief is reflected in our desire to the perfect mate that will love us through all time but that our biology fights us in its desire to find the perfect mate that will give us the best chance of offspring as quickly as possible. Our biology does not care if we spend the rest of our lives together. It is done with us as soon as we cannot produce offspring.

HOW DO YOU FIGHT BIOLOGY

If biology is pulling one way and spirituality and morals are pulling another, what are we to do? I think we end up just where we are, with un-wed teenage mothers with no father in sight at one end of the spectrum and happily married couples celebrating their 80^th anniversaries on the other end of the spectrum. I think the trick is to not fight spirituality or biology, but to recognize that both are exerting a tremendous amount of force. Try to make you choices to satisfy both your biological and spiritual need.

As computers have become more popular so has on-line dating. It has had some major flaws but still gains in popularity. I believe this is because it works with both biology and spirituality. Because of the number of potential mates and the variety of gene pools found on-line our biological needs are happy and because we can eliminate potential mates whose values and morals are not compatible our spiritual needs are happy.

CAN WE IMPROVE ON GOD OR NATURE

(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?

It seems to me that we humans have been doing a pretty good job in populating the earth. Where we seem to fall a bit short is in the long-term happiness department. We have no problems coming up with things that make us temporarily happy such as, games, entertainment, sex, but do not seem to know what to do with the relative comfort and longevity that modern life has provided.

Statistically speaking, finding a soul mate does make us happier, healthier, and more creative. So can we improve on what God and nature has given us? My answer is yes and no. No, we can not change our biological imperatives, but yes we can become better educated on how to get all that we need. Besides the reasons I mentioned above, one of the reasons that on-line dating web sites are so successful is that they provide articles and research that allows you to better understand what it is that you are truly seeking. Arranged marriages are often successful because the parents are looking for more than lust.

If we can take ourselves out of the mindset that “love just happens” and proactively train for it, seek it, and work on it then I believe that our chances of a unity bond would be much higher. Just because biology has made us do some stupid things in the past does not mean that we have no chance of success. The process can begin at any age and still be successful. My Godfather was married to my Godmother for over fifty years. They loved each other and supported each other through good times and bad. About a year after my Godmother died, my Godfather started a relationship with a woman he had dated in college. They married and were blissfully happy until their deaths which were very close together.

My Report on the Current Generation

Add a Section called My Report on the Current Generation. Select two or three students from this generation (G26), and summarize what they did for their Report 1. The G26 /409b class folders are at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/

Caitlin Fields

Report 1 by Caitlin Fields in Generation 25 follows the proscribed format and comes to the same general conclusions as most of the students. She listed the anti-unity values and provided us with insightful analysis of the ones that she felt need special attention. She took the time really consider whether she agreed or disagreed with others opinions in her review on Generation 24 and she was confident in her writing and opinions. What surprised me was the personal responsibility she took in removing AUV’s from her life considering the pressures that her peers placed on her. After becoming sensitive to the profusion of AUV’s in media, she changed music listening habits and stop buying magazines.

I enjoyed Ms. Fields review of the Wonder Years and Hitch and it is always interesting to see different people interpret the same material. I could almost kick my self for not remembering the movie Hitch for my own report. I love this movie and think that it is an excellent choice to highlight UV’s and AUV’s. I found her friend Dallas’ reaction telling. Essentially, he proved his dominance by making his listening to a woman contingent on her listening to him first. I disagreed with her analysis of the “cheating” scene, she felt that because the movie showed a man cheating and “getting away with it” that it is anti-unity. I felt like this was an example of what not to do and how wrong it is to focus on women for sex only. By the way, he did not get away with his behavior because the lead female character meets him later and knees him in the groin.

I am sad that she feels that unity is a rare thing. I do not believe that my self, I think it is very precious but not necessarily rare. I agree with her assessment of the equity phase, it does seem to fall into either mild dominance or new unity. To me, equity is impossible. No couple can give exactly 50% to the relationship and the frustration in trying may well drive them apart. Maybe it is a necessary step towards unity for some but I find that it is easier to contribute 100% to a relationship from day one.

Angela Murray

I her Report 1 from Generation 25, Angela Murray starts with a very detailed description of anti-unity values. I feel that she slightly misses on the first AUV, living together without marriage. She feels that the reason that it is an AUV is because either partner can leave with little fuss. While this is true, it does not hit the core issue and that is that when a man lives with a woman and they are not bonded in marriage, it is disrespectful to the woman. She is just there for sex and few odd jobs around the house. She will grow to resent it and even if they eventually marry she will know that he truly does not respect her. I believe that this why the divorce rate is much higher for couples that live together before marriage.

I enjoyed Ms. Murray’s friend Ronald’s perspective. His opinion that most TV shows were “bad for the soul” is one that I share. He chooses to not watch and I respect that choice. My own choice was rather opposite from Ronald. I choose to watch some shows that were funny and entertaining but had very poor values. When I would watch these shows I would always point out a poor choice or a bad value and discuss it with my family. In this way we created tools for all of us to guard against being negatively influenced by the media. I found this much more educational than abstaining completely.

Advice to Future Generations

Add a Section called Advice to Future Generations. Tell them what they should know to succeed in this course and what they can expect to get out of it.

For the next generations that take this class, I say that you need to be very organized in this class. There is not one assignment in this class that can be completed in one night of cramming. The internet plays an integral part of this class and all assignments are posted there. If you are not knowledgeable about creating web pages, I would advise you to find someone in the class to help you. Presenting you work in a web format and making sure that your links are correct and active will be large portion of your grade.

Dr. James’ instructions for writing and presenting your work are clear and easily followed if you take the time to read the instructions several times and are good at paying attention to details. He does not lay the instructions out in a 1-2-3 format, his lessons are through out his web pages and require the student remember what was instructed in earlier assignments and build on that learning. The student that is self-motivated and enjoys learning at their own pace will be well satisfied by this course and the student that needs structure and guidance will find this class difficult.

Citations:

Arthur Aron, Helen Fisher, Debra J. Mashek, Greg Strong, Haifang Li, and Lucy L. Brown. Reward, Motivation, and Emotion Systems Associated With Early-Stage Intense Romantic Love. J Neurophysiol, Jul 2005; 94: 327 - 337. Retrieved from http://jn.physiology.org/cgi/reprint/94/1/327, March 30, 2007.

Hewett, Casper. Theory of Sexual Selection - The Human Mind and the Peacock's Tale. Retrieve from: http://www.thegreatdebate.org.uk/sexualselection.html, on April 14, 2007.

McGraw, Phil. What Do Women Want? Retrieved from http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/100 on March 21, 2007

My home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/atkinson/atkinson-home.htm

Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj//leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm