409b, April 24, 2007

The Secret of Success

By Lida Atkinson

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/g26-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

 

James, Leon. (2007). Lecture Notes on The Unity Model of Marriage for G26. Section 12. Online at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#threefold-self

 

Concept 1: Adding to mental stress

 

Concept 2: Easing mental stress

 

  1. How a Husband adds to the mental stress of his wife
    1. By becoming angry, blaming, or insulting to his wife

                                                               i.      This behavior is distressing in private but is even more so in public

                                                             ii.      He is showing a lack of respect for her

    1. By ignoring her, refusing to talk to her, or withholding mental intimacy from her

                                                               i.      This is man’s attempt to resist conjoining with his wife

                                                             ii.      His desire for independence is stronger than his desire to conjoin with her

    1. By demanding submission, manipulating her into doing something she does not wish to do, or negotiating for things she does wish to do

                                                               i.      This is all about control, his need to exert control over her

                                                             ii.      He feels his wants and needs are superior to his wife’s

 

  1. How a Husband can ease the mental stress on his wife
    1. The husband must monitor his behavior with his wife

                                                               i.      Recognizing the behavior and keeping a record may help reduce the stress

                                                             ii.      Asking his wife to help identify the behaviors that distress her

                                                            iii.      Recognize that his unsexy language and behavior has turned his wife “off” to him

    1. A concerted effort to change his behavior and language.

                                                               i.       The husband’s thoughts and feelings may need change first or may follow after the behavior has changed

                                                             ii.      The wife’s feelings will change after the behavior is changed

    1. Realize that his wife’s complaints are for the betterment of the marriage

                                                               i.      When a woman complains she is trying to tell her husband about things that are blocking mental intimacy

                                                             ii.      Her efforts for conjunction are not attempt for control.

                                                            iii.      The husband that feels his wife is controlling is resisting intimacy for independence

    1. A wife does not withhold sex from her husband

                                                               i.      His behaviors create stress that makes her feel that she is being used for sex

                                                             ii.      Sex for a wife is an expression of mental intimacy, if she does not feel the intimacy she will not feel like having sex

 

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/happy-marriage-no-nitpicking An article on WebMD that discusses how to have a happy marriage. The bulk of the article is based on Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by John Gottman, MD, psychologist, relationship researcher for 30 years, and founder of The Gottman Institute in Seattle.

 

http://www.simpletoremember.com/growth/20-key-ideas-for-happy-marriage.htm The article is a list of simple things that generally follow the Unity model of marriage. The idea is to use these things to give your marriage a check-up every now and then.

 

http://www.wholefamily.com/aboutyourmarriage/columns/drtobin/advice.html A list of things you should not do in your marriage. Most of these represent Anti-unity values and how to avoid them.

 

 

My home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/atkinson/atkinson-home.htm

Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj//leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm