Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage
My Interpretation and Understanding of the Unity
Model
By: Jamie Gomes
The instructions for this
report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
I
am answering Questions 6, 14, 12, 13, & 10
Five Questions: 6, 14, 12, 13, & 10
The Question I am answering is Question 6.
a) Dr. James’ Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the
Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex
In
Dr. Leon James lecture notes of Section 5.1 titled Sexuality: Love of the Sex
vs. Love of One of the Sex, he described the difference between the types of
loves. I will begin with the meaning
behind these phrases and then the differences.
We
can begin with what is “Love of the Sex”?
Love of the Sex is exactly that—a love for sex as an act vs. an intimate
act with someone you care for. This
would be considered non-exclusive sex.
When one loves non-exclusive sex, they are only considering their own pleasure
in the activity with whomever is available or
suitable. They are indiscriminate with
their partners, and are thought to be similar to the liking of animals.
Now
that we know what “Love of the Sex” means, I will now begin to explain what
“Love of One of the Sex” means. This can
be thought of as exclusive sex with one person.
In exclusive sex, the couple achieves great satisfaction, more so than
just raw, physical feeling because it is backed by the cognitive and affective
selves. There is a spiritual meaning to
the physical act of sex which makes it very intimate and gratifying. This is what individuals classify as “making
love” differing from “having sex” or “sexual intercourse.”
Of
the two different types of love, it is quite obvious which is more satisfying
for the couple as a whole. The first, only satisfying one’s own pleasure vs. the greater of the two by the pleasuring of both. This intimacy also pushes them closer and
closer to the Unity Model.
b) Dr. Phil’s Website
We will be looking at Dr. Phil’s advice on how some married
couples can improve their sexual relationship.
In the first scenario, there is dissatisfaction on the husband’s part
and wants his wife to participate in a threesome. She had allowed it the first time, and is now
pressured by her husband to keep this up.
He gets angry and frustrated with her that she won’t perpetuate these
fantasies he has and uses his diagnosis of leukemia as a weapon against his
wife. The husband expressed his
frustration also because he feels deceived when he says his wife had mentioned
earlier in the marriage that she had dreams of being with other girls,
therefore starting the fantasy of the threesome.
It looks from this one couple
that Dr. Phil expresses concern with a third party getting involved sexually,
and that he is against this similar to that of Love of One of the Sex in Dr. James’ notes. Dr. Phil believes similarly that the sex
should be between only that of the married couple, and no other
individuals—exclusive sex.
However, he also does tell
the women to appreciate the act of sex like that Love of the Sex. He coaxes
to talk it over with each other and come to compromises—everything coming out
in an equal stance. Dr. Phil believes
that if the sex isn’t there, the relationship will wilter. However, Dr. James believes that the
relationship itself is in fact the base for satisfying sex in its entirety.
c) My Conclusions and Recommendations
I really liked the type of love as Love of One of the Sex. I
think everyone should strive for intimacy and intimate sex, because if there is
nothing beyond just the physical there is really nothing great about it. The intimacy is the most important part of
the sexual act that makes it much more special.
The intimacy comes only when the couple is gauged
towards the Unity phase and are coming from their cognitive and
affective selves. This would mean that
if there are problems within the relationship, that
would need to be addressed first if they think it is creating problems in the
bedroom. After all, the acts in the
bedroom fully reflect how the woman and man feel towards each other within the
relationship.
My recommendations for those
poor women on Dr. Phil would probably be similar to his advice given. It should only be fair to talk to the men and
have them meet them halfway in their feelings and try their best to understand. If there is unwillingness on either end, it
will not succeed and they are likely to be stuck in the rut they are in. They should be focusing much more on the
actual relationship if there are problems there, perhaps trust issues, or past
unresolved issues that were never settled.
The Question I am answering is Question 14
a) Song Analysis Technique used
by Students in 1982 Generation
The technique they are using for their song analysis is
basically using meaningful song lyrics and interpreting them according to Dr.
James’ Threefold self, social psychology vocabulary, and reflections of the
student.
Their conclusions were their own interpretations of what the
song meant. They number the lyric lines
and write the interpretation according to Dr. James’ teachings right below it.
My reaction to their song lyrics were mostly according to the
unity values. The song lyrics were quite
positive of love and by the students’ interpretations follow accordingly. There was one noticeable song “Prisoner” that
had anti-unity values in it analyzed by Talia Nicolai. “I’m like a
prisoner; Captured by your eyes”—with low self-esteem. In the song, the musician write of how he’s
been taken (enslaved) and that he’s like a prisoner.
b) Song Analysis used by G24
students in 2006
I looked at Brandon Loo’s section E at his discussion of the song “It Wasn’t
Me” by Shaggy. His song analysis
technique was to give the lyrics of the song for the readers to understand what
it was he was discussing. Next, he went
into depth of how this song’s lyrics could possibly affect today’s youth. He
discussed the song’s lyrics with his brother, and came to the conclusion that
it is just a song. Yet, they are older
and can differentiate between what is acceptable and what is put out there specifically
for humor’s sake.
I think the song “It wasn’t
me” that
c) “Why Britney Spears Matters” article
This article was written to point out Britney Spears’ affect
on her young teen fans and the messages that are getting out to the girls
within her lyrics. The author of this
article discusses the difference between the messages that Britney Spears is
putting out now compared to the girl groups of the 60’s such as the Shirelles, a popular African-American girl group of the
time.
It’s quite obvious to any that Britney Spears’ lyrics are
specifically of sexuality. Her songs
promote this and so does her demeanor.
The problem with this is that her target audience is of young pre-teen
girls. They are soon turning into even
younger girls at the ripe age of 6 singing “Oops I did it again”. The ideas their getting from Spears is that
for a woman to achieve power, she uses her sexuality. She promotes the idea that by using her
scantily clad outfits and promiscuity that she has the power, although she
promotes different identities through her songs of being unsure of
herself.
The author states that Spears’ messages are quite different
from that of the Shirelles in the 60’s. They too were young women singing of their
sexuality where the teens could identify with them. They were dressed more conservative than of the
celebrities today and serving as positive models for teen girls of any race to
emulate. These girl groups of the 60’s
also provided knowledge in sexuality that the teens were unaware of at the time
because it was a time when girls were not supposed to be asking certain
questions.
The author comes to the conclusion that even though Britney
Spears and the Shirelles both promoted the same type
of sexual themes to their songs, Spears’ target audience and the way in which
it is conducted is dangerous to such a young audience. We are at a time when our society heavily
involves the sexuality of females, and we wouldn’t want to promote that the
only way for a woman to get ahead in life is to be thought of highly in sexual
terms.
With the image that Britney Spears is portraying to the young
teens is that for women to be sexual is considered essential and that this is
where their power lies. According to the
Unity Model, this puts the man in control for the couple to be stuck in the
Dominance Phase. When the woman learns
that she needs to remain sexual to seduce and please her husband and this is
her only great attribute, she is leaving much room for her husband to remain
dominant. There will be no progression
towards Equity nor Unity if the woman is stuck in this
subconscious thinking.
In regards to Britney and the three phases of self, she
portrays the Sensorimotor
self to be the most important. She is
focusing on the outside self and how a girl portrays herself physically, which
all falls under Sensorimotor. Spears is not
promoting positive messages about the self in terms of the woman’s thinking
(cognitive) or emotions (the affective self).
d)
Social implications of all of this
As we have seen the dramatic
changes amongst the lyrics of the generation of 1982 and the lyrics of today,
there is a sense of worry amongst parents of today’s youth. They are faced with the challenge of
providing a positive view of sexuality before the media puts their influences
on what is considered “normal behavior.”
It is upsetting to realize
that these images and behavior is promoted to us daily through the
entertainment industry and is then perpetuated by society as a whole. It is extremely dangerous to young women out
there who are trying to identify with a role model and has Britney Spears placed
in front of her to mimic. The young girl
then idealizes Spears by attempting to be thin, dress scantily like she does,
and mimic her behaviors in public (which are sometimes very inappropriate). I believe it to be quite a challenge for any
good parent to filter everything that goes into the home and to explain the
importance of a healthy sense of self.
The
Question I am answering is Question 12
a) Select 3 couples that you know- one to fail,
one to succeed, and one with mixed components.
1.) Kirsten and Sandy Cohen from the series The OC
2.) Slim and Mitch from the movie Enough
3.) Ross and Rachel from the series Friends
b) Why are they failing or succeeding with
understanding of the Unity Model?
1.) This
couple, Kirsten and Sandy Cohen, is obviously succeeding when it comes to
understanding the Unity Model. They have
gone through hard times since the beginning of the show. An example of this is when Sandy (the dad),
brings home Ryan from a juvenile facility as Ryan’s last hope. Kirsten obviously worried that this young
convict might be a safety hazard to her son and family is reluctant to let him
stay, but trusts
Their marriage was even tested by Rebecca,
In Kirsten’s time of need, when she begun to have a
drinking problem,
The drinking for Kirsten was a reaction of how she
was feeling.
Other than these difficult times, Kirsten and Sandy
always remain respectful of one another’s decisions and opinions. I think they are close to achieving the Unity
Model, if they aren’t actually there yet.
Like any marriage, they have problems.
I believe it is how they handled the problems and that it was so
successful that makes them such a great couple for the Unity Model. They’re always thinking of each other, and
what the other might say or feel. When
Sandy or Kirsten is talking to another individual about each other, they always
begin with this great love story of how they both weren’t exactly matching when
they met at UC Berkeley, but it was love.
One can feel that these two will be together in the afterlife because
they’ve built up their lives around happiness with each other.
2.) In the
movie Enough, Slim played by J Lo is
a waitress who falls for one of her customers by thinking that he’s saved her
from a jerk. It was actually he who
conned her to make him look like the good guy, while it was his friend who
pretended to be the jerk. They were
married and had a baby. Soon after, she
realized that her husband Mitch, was cheating on
her. Mitch plays a dominant husband that
gets what he wants because financially he provides for the family. Slim is hurt by this and begins yelling at
him for respect because she is his wife.
He slaps her as she falls to the ground saying that he loves her and warns
not to do anything stupid. Now he
doesn’t need to sneak around anymore, and says that men need to be
satisfied.
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In the earlier scenes of movie, Mitch is so nice to
Slim before they get married. It started
as a game, but he feels he loves her.
Mitch later shows his ugly side by showing his dominance towards
Slim. His attitude towards the adultery
is that there’s nothing wrong with it, and that he doesn’t plan to stop. He takes her keys and phone so that she can’t
go anywhere. When she tries to run, he
cancels all her credit cards that are obviously under his name as well. He uses his power and money, and threatens
that if she tries to leave him, he will take away their daughter framing her to
be an unfit mother.
Slim and Mitch are stuck in the Dominance phase
where Mitch continues to serve only himself after he’s already married to
Slim. All of the acts that he does
towards Slim are disjunctive--he explains he has a large sexual appetite and
that he will continue to see other women, he slaps and abuses her, becomes
distant with his wife because of the affairs he’s having, and threatens her of
taking away their daughter and coming after her. Mitch views his wife as property now and she
no longer can leave as she wishes.
My advice to this couple is for Slim to get out of
the marriage. She ends up killing her
husband in the end because she knows he’ll continue to come after her. This is a very unhealthy relationship where
it involves a child and a woman’s life.
They are put at risk because of Mitch’s abusive ways and begin to live
in fear. There is no trying to work
towards a Unity model for this couple.
3.) Ross and
Rachel, the infamous couple on the set of Friends,
is known to have had their ups and downs.
Over the past 7 seasons, they were always missing each other when it
came to who was crushing on whom. It
would start off with Ross crushing on Rachel since they were in high school,
but Rachel didn’t see Ross that way.
There would be interference when the array of lovers
come in one by one hurting their chance of becoming a happy couple. The first scene of Rachel’s understanding of
Ross’ love for her was when he left her a thoughtful, expensive birthday gift
before leaving for a trip to
They would do hurtful things to the other to get back
for their hurt feelings and then trying to make up for it with nice, thoughtful
things. When together, Ross and Rachel
do sweet things for each other and are happy together. They are thoughtful of each other, but do
remain in their own identity where they have conflicts rise occasionally. This leads me to believe they are in the
Equity stage of their relationship. And
as we’ve learned, this couple tends to slip back into the Dominance stage with
disjunctive acts like how Ross tells Rachel he doesn’t like tattoos and that
she shouldn’t get one, or how they both yell angry, hurtful words at each other
when upset, and many of the choices to be made by Ross, although it doesn’t
seem too much that he is dominating but rather that he just wants to make Rachel
happy.
I think my advice to this couple would just be to
remain happy. Perhaps they aren’t
exactly in the correct state to be settling down with only one person just yet,
but if they were, it would probably be with each other. The history between them is immense and for
some reason they continue to drift back to one another. I think something other than just being
friends holds them tightly together, yet they aren’t fully ready to commit to
one another. They aren’t exactly in any state to be trying
to work towards the Unity Model because they aren’t even fully committed to
each other in the first place.
The
Question I am answering is Question 13.
a) Read article on The Four Distinct Stages of Marriage. Analyze each stage to the 9 zones in Ennead
chart.
The
first stage or Romance period is an equivalent to Sensorimotor
Dominance. It states that “they do not
fully know each other, nor do they care know each other,” this meaning that they have not
reached each other Cognitively yet. It
states that they are happy with each other because of their expectations of
their ideal mate, having nothing necessarily to do with their real mate. This isn’t quite Cognitive Dominance yet
because they aren’t trying to change each other,
rather they’re using the illusion of what they want their other partner to be
ideally.
In the
second stage, the couple begins to realize the deceit in the marriage and in
their partner. They feel like they’ve
been defrauded in their marriage to each other because they discover that they
haven’t fulfilled or doesn’t seem interested in
fulfilling their expectations of their ideal mate. This appears to be Cognitive dominance.
It
then goes on to say that within the second stage it is a “tug-of-war” between
the partners to find conflict over values and expectations they each hold
dear. This leads me to believe that they
are in a cognitive equity because both are equally sharing their unhappiness
with the each other and the relationship.
It does however, recede back into the Dominance phase where they
continue to remain individual and express resentment towards each other. It explains the importance of communicating
with one another of how they feel about each other’s expectations, but to agree
on not expecting the other to actually attempt to fulfill those
expectations. This again stresses
Cognitive Equity being able to communicate each of their expectations, but
recognizing that it won’t necessarily progress in that manner.
In
Stage Three, it says that they begin to give up on each other and looks at
their own weaknesses instead of blaming the other. They discover more about themselves and begin
focusing on self-improvement. I believe
this would go back to the first zone of the ennead chart being Sensorimotor Dominance, except that it doesn’t even involve
the other partner. It does fall into the
Dominance category because they are solely thinking of themselves in this
stage.
They
stress to communicate and share your interests with your loved one to avoid the
total separation of lifestyles. By
suggesting this, they are recommending the zone of Cognitive Equity. They are both respecting each other’s
individual lifestyle, even if the other doesn’t participate with them. They suggest bringing your partner out if
possible to remain in touch and not too distant. This gains a mutual respect and accepting
them for who they are and not who they want them to be, which then turns into
Affective Equity.
In
Stage Four, the partners begin to realize that it is okay to assist in the
other’s life when needed because you care.
This again is the Affective Equity because you see the care each has for
the other now. The romance that develops
now is based on the awareness of who the other is and not who we want them to
become.
Even
in this fourth stage, the couple still has not reached the Unity phase because
they continue to remain individual in their thoughts. The husband has chosen to become respectful
of his wife’s values and expectations, yet he doesn’t want to fully conjoin
with her. Within these stages, they
missed the parts where the couple does things together in Sensorimotor
Equity. I think this is key in how they will not reach the Unity phase because
really they aren’t fully conjoined but only respectful of the other.
A
Stage Five could be added to stress the togetherness as a couple. They could turn the respect for each other’s
individuality into a curiosity and desire to be one with their partner because
they actually want to make them happy, as opposed to just because they will be
spending the rest of their lives together.
This will progress towards a spiritual connectedness in thinking and
consideration of their spouse’s thoughts and feelings all the time. This would be the greatest stage of
marriage.
b) Analyze Seven Stages of Marriage in Readers Digest
1.)
Passion Stage
a.
I feel that
this is relatable to the Equity phase of marriage in the Affective self because
it obvious they truly are happy, care for one another equally, and one is not
being put first before the other. They
enjoy each other’s presence and are in a honeymoon type state.
2.)
Realization
Stage
a.
I feel in this
stage they are waking up to reality and regressing into the Cognitive Equity
phase where you need to explain things about yourself to your partner, argue
about things, establishing rules, and realizing that he/she has flaws. It even goes as far back as to the Sensorimotor Equity zone where you find your spouse
irritating, annoying and even boring.
3.)
Rebellion
Stage
a.
In the
rebellion stage, it takes the couple as far back as to the Dominance phase in
the Unity Model. They have power
struggles, considering having an affair, need for independence from one another
and maintain individuality, and doing disjunctive things like running away from
problems in marriage and not wanting to deal with the problems nor your spouse.
4.)
Cooperation
Stage
a.
This stage
goes in accordance to Sensorimotor Equity because
there are things the couple needs to agree on because of their circumstances such
as each having a career, having children, buying a house, money management, and
things to do on a daily basis.
5.)
a.
I see this
stage as somewhat Cognitive Equity, although there is a loss of romantic
feeling towards their spouse and more of a friendly, business partner type of
relationship.
6.)
Explosion
Stage
a.
I think this
would fall under the Sensorimotor Dominance zone
because a huge event, whether good or bad, is affecting the relationship to
make it change for the worst.
7.)
Completion
Stage
a.
They have
finally reached the Affective Equity stage where they can be content in their
life’s achievements over the years—the kids, career, and saving for the
future. The couple doesn’t fight as much
and their health and happiness are very important to them.
The
Question I am answering is Question 10
a) Share
list of Confessions with family, friends, and boyfriend.
List was shared with Mom, my sister, my friend James, and my
boyfriend.
b) What
is the difference in the reaction between men and women? Discuss items with boyfriend of what you
disagree on and why?
The difference I observed in the reaction between
men and women is that the men seemed to be more forgiving of themselves in
their behaviors towards their girlfriends or wives. What I mean by this, is that they are likely
to agree with less things on the confessions list, however their girlfriend or
wife would vouch differently and consider more things that he does on that
confession list. Say for instance I ask
my friend James to circle on the list things he agrees with. If I were to ask his ex-girlfriend, whom he
parted with amicably, to circle the things that he did while in the
relationship, it would be a lot fuller than what he actually had admitted
himself. This is only natural because
most times they don’t fully recognize they are doing such disjunctive acts
towards their girlfriend or wife.
The women on the other hand are very quick to point out all
of the things that their man seemed to leave out. I notice that the women tend to pick up on
more of the emotional and mental disjunctive acts that the men don’t realize
are harmful to the relationship. The
women also tend to agree with the man’s disjunctive physical acts towards
her.
I discussed the items with my boyfriend and
realized he had done the same thing that the other boys had done when asked to
view the list. He merely skipped over
the hurtful emotional and mental things he did to me, but went on to admit the
physical disjunctive acts he performed such as “When she drives me nuts, I stay
away from her”, or “If I get annoyed at her, I don’t mind showing it”, or “When
things get impossible with her, I just walk off.”
I felt that he missed things
like, “When I make her cry, I wait more than five minutes to come to her
rescue”, or “I’m not upset if I forget to do something I promised her, and I
don’t try to own up to my mistake and make her feel better about it”, or “I lie
to her when I decide its OK to do that”.
When asked to consider it again, he did come to the conclusion that he
does tend to do those things and wasn’t aware it bothered me that much.
I believe doing this activity
has given me a bit more insight into our relationship because now I know what I
have problems with and he knows what he needs to be more aware of like
consideration of my feelings. This also
has taught me to maybe take a look at my own actions within the relationship as
well.
c) How can this be validated empirically? How
can it be used in relationship counseling or therapy?
I don’t know if this could be validated empirically other
than possibly doing research showing men to respond to basic physical
disjunctions they are capable of. I
think a lot of this falls under a theoretical approach to understanding
relationship dynamics. And this is
exactly how it can be used in relationship counseling or therapy—based on
theory and the list. The counselor could
have both parties evaluate the list, and then talk about the disagreements it
what they’ve marked down and why they believe this to be so. They should talk about how they feel towards
these acts and what can be done to prevent this type of behavior and possibly
compromise.
My Report
on the Current Generation.
Jenna Kawasugi
The first report I looked at
was of Jenna Kawasugi’s. For her section A, she analyzed the two
movies, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Prime.
She lists My Big Fat Greek
Wedding as a contrast to Prime
because this couple is geared more towards the Unity Model. The couple suffers the conflict of Toula’s very Greek family wanting her to marry a Greek, however the American she falls in love with is not,
but loves her very much. They go on to
conquer all obstacles.
She then analyzes findings of
a prior generation where it is seen that popular media portrays women as sexual
objects. They find print media and
advertising perpetuate this demeaning subjection of women. Jenna agrees with the points that G25 makes
that media does influence people’s perception of relationships.
Much of Jenna’s opinions in
her report 1, I would have to agree with.
To begin, the popular media viewing women as sexual objects and that it
does have an affect on relationships I definitely would have to agree
with. And like her, I do enjoy watching
movies and television shows that depict these same images. But now with the knowledge from this class,
we know the difference between anti-unity values and how much of it portrayed
on television just for entertainment value.
Nicole
May
The second report was from Nicole May. She began Section A covering Prime and The Notebook. She uses The Notebook as her movie choice for a
couple representing more of Unity phase because of the ending of the movie
where the couple, Allie and Noah, despite their differences
are found to be spiritually connected.
They die together in each other’s arms Allie first and Noah to follow
within the same night.
I’d like to agree with Nicole’s opinions of the same that the
media has a lot of influence on society’s thoughts and actions. I would agree that many mimic the actions of
celebrities or movie characters that they idolize. I think she brings up a very good point that there’s many disjunctive behaviors that are thought to be
okay after watching these types of movies.
I too believe that children’s minds are extremely impressionable and
susceptible to everything in the media.
In her reaction to the shock factor of the “sexual bracelets”
that teens were now wearing from Katie Ide’s report,
you would also find me in agreement.
After reading the article, I too was disgusted that these children find
these bracelets as a fashion statement.
This is horrifying to learn that children’s sexuality is acceptable to
display right on their wrist, and their parents wouldn’t even know what these
bracelets symbolize.
I especially enjoyed the section on how the media affects
her. She applied common day songs and
attitudes to what we were learning as anti-unity values. She actually analyzed lyrics of songs
constantly played on the radio and concluded that society has influenced her,
as well as many other girls out there, to think that they aren’t desirable
unless they’re sexually seducing men.
Advice to Future Generations.
I will begin by offering you the greatest piece of advice one
can give for this class—DO NOT PROCRASTINATE!!!
It is very important for you to start EARLY on all assignments and do
not wait till the last minute!
Turn in outlines on time and
make early deadlines for yourself. You
wouldn’t think that they are such a big deal, and that they’re not very hard to
do, but the Related Links part is actually the hardest part of the outline
which does take some time.
Start Reports possibly a week
ahead if you have the time. The reports
are mainly reflections of what you’ve learned and the more time you have to
spend on them, the better it will turn out.
You would really want to consider everything you’ve learned and use it
to your best knowledge. Also, the
reading you need to do to complete each assignment becomes quite lengthy so you
need adequate time to answer sufficiently.
Attend class regularly to
hear how others prepare their Oral reports and to get the main ideas out of the
notes and readings they’re reporting on.
It is also important to give your classmates courtesy because you’d also
want a full class paying attention when it is time to give your oral
presentation.
You can expect to learn a
different way of thinking about your romantic relationships and possible future
ones. You will learn that your actions
mean a lot more than you think, and perhaps create better choices for yourself
in the future with your partner. You
will learn to recognize disjunctive and conjunctive acts and the effects the
media has on portraying anti-unity values.
Last but not least you will understand the Unity Model by the end of the
course, and maybe in hopes of pursuing the Unity Model with your loved
one.
Links:
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gomes/gomes-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm