Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
Striving for Unity
By Heather Renee Gorman

The instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm

I am answering Questions 6, 14, 7, 12, and 4.

The Question I am answering is Question # 6:

(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex  in the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.

(b) Go to Dr. Phil's Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378  and look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for example here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil's approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).

(c) State your conclusions and recommendations.

A. Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex

Sex, as Dr. James has addressed, is one of the most talked about things in this world. Many could argue that is the most desired thing in the world, and the most powerful. Sex is something that plays a vital role in a marriage. Sex and physical intimacy are very important at bringing a couple closer to each other. As we see in Dr. James’s Unity Model of marriage, there is a big difference between loving sex, and loving sex with one person who you are conjoined with. Dr. James calls these two types of love for sex: Love of the sex and Love of One of the Sex.

Love of the sex, is loving sex, the actually act of it, and not necessarily the particular person that you are having it with. This is the natural animalistic love of sex. It lacks the mental intimacy that sets us apart from the rest of the animal world. Sex without intimacy is a lower form of human pleasure and satisfaction than intimate sex. This kind of sex is often called “having sex” or “sexual intercourse.” Dr. James also refers to this kind of sex as non-exclusive sex. To love non-exclusive sex is to love one's own pleasure in the activity with whoever is available or suitable. The identity of the partner is unimportant relative to one's own pleasure. 

Love of the sex, that is loving sex non-exclusively is loving sex apart from the person, and it is in the mind at the affective level, which is the part of the mind that humans also share with other animals. Ultimately this is the love of one’s own pleasure. This is loving what makes you feel good, and not loving what also makes your partner feel good. This is sex without any spiritual content, and is not personal or intimate. This can also include a man wanting a woman to act sluty, and do things such as watch X rated movies while having sex. To the husband this is being sexy and a turn on to him. This leads to the loss of their ability to feel sexually aroused in the context of personal friendship and intimacy with one woman. When they are in a situation of sexual exclusivity with one woman, they begin to lose sexual interest in her.

A husband who has a mental attitude that encourages fantasizing about non-exclusive sex with other women, he is performing biological coupling with his wife, and this is not conjunctive or mentally intimate. This has nothing to do with closeness with his wife on a mentally intimate level, but has solely to do with his fulfillment of his pleasures. As Dr. James says, this kind of sexual attitude by a husband or boyfriend is not personal, not intimate, it is indiscriminate, mentally promiscuous, pornographic, and unchaste to the marriage vow of exclusivity with one woman for life. His sexuality is not personal or intimate with his wife.

Love of one of the sex, is loving sex and the experience of having sex with only one person. This person is someone who you are mentally intimate and are conjoined with. Sexual activity with mental intimacy and friendship gives the couple a connection that brings them together as soul mates in heaven and in eternity. The pleasure that you get from this kind of love is far more than any natural love or natural sex can give you. This type of pleasure extends to heaven. In the spiritual-sensuous portion of our mind, sexuality is entirely different from that in our natural-sensuous mind. This means that the sexuality that we experience on a spiritual level is in a completely different league than the natural.

This love is also referred to as an exclusive love. When you are at the spiritual level of rational consciousness, sexuality consists of the exclusive love of one of the sex and is a direct result of having love for others and showing an altruistic love. This is the kind of love where you give to give, not and do not just give to receive. The exclusive love of one of the sex is monogamous is marriage. This marriage is eternal, and sex within these marriages only solidifies the unity between the couple. They are conjoined into a conjoint self.

B. Dr. Phil’s marital sex advice

When examining the difference between love of the sex, and love of one of the sex, I examined the advice that Dr. Phil gave to many couples regarding the sex life within their marriage. I examined multiple examples of sexual problems within different marriages and whether or not Dr. Phil’s advice helps the couple to achieve love of the one sex, and ultimately in the direction of a Unity marriage. A woman discusses with Dr. Phil that her husband is not giving her enough physical intimacy, and it is hard for her to get him to have sex with her. Dr. Phil tells her, “The good news is, in a relationship it doesn't take both people working on it at the same time in order to start making changes," he says. He tells them a story about a woman who had been married for 50 years. He asked her what her secret was and she said, "As I look back over 50 years, we were never both out of love at the same time." How can he say that? How is a couple suppose to work on their marriage and their love life if they both are not working on it together? Dr. Phil is not taking into account that to have a good marriage, and good sex, that the couple needs to be able to conjoin together first at the cognitive, and affective level, to truly have good physical intimacy, which equals good sex.

In another example Dr Phil is talking with a woman who has lost her sex drive for her husband, because she says that she is too busy, and does not have the energy by the end of the day. She says that by the time she goes to bed, all she can think about is the fact that she has to wake up in 5 hours, and that sex is the last thing on her mind. Dr. Phil says to Tammy, "What would happen if you just went home and said, 'I'm going to make some choices. I'm going to ask to renegotiate the labor' ... where you actually took some downtime to refresh yourself?" He suggests that Dennis take care of the kids more at night and maybe change his work schedule to be home more often. "It's about choices,"

Dr. Phil reminds them. "If it's at the cost of even having enough energy to invest in each other, isn't that cost too high? Don't you have to learn to say no to somebody besides each other?" Tammy agrees and asks, "How do you turn off the switch from being a mommy to a wife, a lover?" "I'm not saying that it's easy, only that it's necessary," Dr. Phil tells her. "And the number one way that you do that is to get help from him. You don't have to do everything. "He continues: "You have to put yourself back up to the top of the priority list." She'll have to make sacrifices.

He tells them that the greatest gift you can give your children is to take care of the relationship between their mother and their father. The greatest gift you can give them is to keep that love alive. He acknowledges that it is hard work. "The more artificial it may seem to have to steer back toward each other, the more you need to do it," he tells them. "Try it for six months and you'll go, 'Oh my gosh. Look what we were missing.'" I feel that this is great advice at bringing the couple closer together, and closer at achieving Unity, and the love of one of the sex. As Dr. Phil says, their relationship needs to be placed as number one in their lives, before anything else. Tammy has not been doing that, and her relationship has been suffering.

Another couple that Dr. Phil talks are having an issue with whether or not having a threesome is good for their marriage. He says to Kelli, the wife that “If this is OK with you, you need help," and the audience applauds. When Dan reveals that he'd be comfortable bringing a man into their bedroom if that's what Kelii wanted, Dr. Phil looks at both of them and sternly says, "You don't ever solve a relationship problem by turning away from your partner." He warns them once again about bringing another person into the relationship. "Bringing a third party into your bedroom will not work," he says. "It might be fun at the time and even if she likes it at the time, I can tell you seriously, after 30 years of doing this Dan, it won't work.” "He suggests that they find other ways to put some fun, energy and excitement into their relationship, such as going to different rooms in the house and trying different positions. "But adding a third person, just isn't the answer," he cautions. I think that Dr. Phil is completely right, and bringing a third person into their sexual relationship, is definitely for Love of the sex instead of for the love of one of the sex. Having a threesome, does encourage unity, but disunity.

C. Conclusions and Recommendations

I think overall that Dr. Phil has some good advice for couples with marital sex problems, however I do not completely agree with all of his tactics, nor do I think that they are fit in to the Unity model of marriage. I think that Dr. Phil does seem to strive for the Love of One of sex, and discourages couples having Love of the sex in their marriages. I think that couples should always be having sex as an experience to pleasure each other, and thus they are pleasuring themselves through the pleasure of their partner. This is the true way towards unity through sex at all levels of the threefold self. Couples must always be growing together through any activity that they do, and continue to conjoin to each other.

The Question I am answering is Question #14:

(a) Explore the song analysis technique used by students in the 1982 generation:   www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?

(b) Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 students in 2006:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/ See their Report 1, section (e).
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?

(c) Read the article titled "Why Britney Spears Matters" at:   www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to the unity model and the three phases.

(e) What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters, young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with the situation?

A. Song analysis technique used by students in the 1982 generation

Songs and analysis located at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html

The Bond of Love

Analyzed by Richard Kim Wah Au

1. We are one in the bond of love. We are one in the bond of love;

We are now in integrated part in the logging activities and engage in intersubjectivity with the relation of love to another.

2. We have joined our spirit with the Spirit of God

The common and the bonding forces of the feeling when we joined our spiritual self with the Spirit of God.

3. We are one in the bond of love.

We will be led to spiritual understanding of love.

4. Let us sing now,

Singing is our self-serving acts at the present moment.

5. Ev-'ry-one.

Everybody, as enlightened human beings, would become the bonding force.

6. Let us feel His love begun;

There is a spiritual-awakening and fulfillment with the joy of love.

7. Let us join hands that the world will know

That lead us a motivational drive and become a witnessing data to ourselves and the society.

8. We are one in the bond of love

The bonding force of love is the transformation process of our inner spiritual self.

I think that Richard did a great analysis of this song, and that he showed a great translation and analysis of Unity Values. This shows show a couple who are bonding to each other. They have achieved mutual understanding, and they are striving got a relationship that will be eternal in heaven. This song uses good Unity words that express and show a couple that are conjoining together, that want to be one with each other, and one with heaven. The most powerful word in this song, I believe is the word bond, which id vital for any couple who wish to achieve unity. They most bond together to form a relationship that will last into Eternity. The technique that Richard used gave a clear translation of the verses in the song and connected them back to cognitive thought process that may have triggered that thought.

The Games People Play

Analyzed by Sue Broussard & Linda Ornovski

1. Oh the games people play now, every day and every night now.

GAME PLAYING OBJECTIVE SELF - GEORGE HERBERT MEAD

2. Never meaning what they say now, never saving what they mean.

DOUBLE MESSAGE - ERIC BERNE

3. And they while away the hours in their ivory towers.

SOCIAL ISOLATION - RUDOLPH STEINER

4. Till they're covered up with flowers in the back of a black limousine .

SPIRTUAL AWAKENING - HELEN KELLER

CHORUS La da da da da da da da La da da da da da da deTalking about you and me and the games people play.

5. Oh we make one another cry, break a heart then we say goodbye.

COGNITIVE DISONANCE - FESTINGER

6. Cross our hearts and we hope to die that the other was to blame.

PROJECTION - KARDINER

7. Neither one will ever give in, so we gaze at an eight by ten,

DIMENSIONS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS - DEUTSCH

8. Thinking about the things that might have been and it's a dirty rotten shame.

RATIONAL PSYCHOLOGY: EXTERNAL AND INTERIOR MEMORY - SWEDENBORG

9. People walking up to you singing "Glory Hallelujah".

SONG INFLUENCES - DIANE NAHL

10. Then they try to sock it to you in the name of the Lord.

RELIGIOUS BEHAVIORISM - EMANUEL SWEDENBORG

11. They gonna teach you how to meditate, read your horoscope, cheat your fate.

OCCULT SCIENCES - RUDOLPH STEINER

12. And further more to hell with hate, come on get on board.

TRANSFORMING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS - OUSPENSXY

Chorus:La da da da da da da da La da da da da da da deTalking about you and me and the games people play.

13. Look around, tell me what you see, what's happening to YOU and me?

INTERIOR DIAIOG - GEORGE HERBERT MEAD

14. God grant me the serenity to remember who I am.

UNCONSCIOUS IDENTIFICATION - SIGMUND FREUD

15. Cause your giving up your sanity for your pride and your vanity.

SPIRITUAL MADNESS AND HALLUCINATIONS - VAN DUSEN

16 Turn your back on humanity and you don't give a...

ANTISOCIALITY - RUDOLPH STEINER

This song seemed to be to be a song about someone who is not in a Unity marriage, but wants to be. They seems to recognize the error of their ways, and they want to change it, they just do not know how to. I think that Sue and Linda did a good job at identifying different cognitive thoughts that were behind the different statements of the author of the song. In verse #15: Cause you're giving up your sanity for your pride and your vanity, Sue and Linda site Spiritual Madness and Hallucinations, but I do not feel that is the cognitive function behind this verse. I feel that this verse means that you are giving up your clarity of what you know is right, by holding on to your pride and vanity. This person is not truly trying to conjoin, for they are putting their pride before their relationship. The fight for control in the game, keeps them from truly reaching a Unity relationship. Overall Linda and Sue had more general analyses technique of the song, but it was interesting to see it from that point of view. The technique showed the cognitive thought processes and connected it to different psychology theorists.

Goodbye

Analyzed by Nelson Lum & Grace Arakaki

1. Goodbye, that's the hardest thing I've had to say

Battle with the integrated self on what was the right thing to do

2. Goodbye, guess I'll Pack my things and run away

Dealing with negative emotions. Running away from life

3. Remember when we made the vow to stay together

Interpersonal commitment

4. All our friends said that we'd be the one's to last forever

Social group forces contributing to view on interpersonal relationships

5. Goodbye, It's so hard to think of me without you

Conflict between opposing forces. Feelings of love and feelings of that which once was

6. Goodbye, guess I'll have another drink or two

Drinking used to help alleviate inner conflict with self. Automatic self is ignored

7. If by chance I should see you again ~would my longing eyes betray me

External vs internal person, that would his eyes betray him and tell how he really feels

8. Or perhaps I could hide 'neath this cloud and Pretend to be carefree

Interior dialogue used to devise a plan to cover up true internal feelings and emotions

9. Goodbye, we have five good years of our lives we sang our song together

Reliving happy times by using positive biases

10. All our friends said that we'd be the ones to last forever

Disillusioning the integrated self by what group forces say and think

11. Goodbye

Statement of accepted reality

This song is sad to me, because from the lyrics, I can feel that this person wanted to conjoin to the other person, but something had pulled them apart. It seems as though they are trying to get closure, but instead they have only longing. I think that Nelson and Grace did a good analysis at thought processes that may have been behind these statements in the song. This song looks at internal, external, and social impacts on the relationship. The technique that was used to analyze this song was a good technique in that it gives the reader a deeper look into what the author may have been thinking while writing this song, even if the author wasn’t fully aware of his subconscious thoughts himself.

B. Song analysis technique used by G24 students in 2006

Generation 24 did their song analysis by taking different songs and examining both unity values and anti-unity values within different songs. I think that t hey did a good job at pointing out the effects that anti-unity values will play at changing the listener’s behavior. Music is tied to the emotions, and is therefore very powerful, and the students in generation 24 did a good job at identifying the effect that songs with ant-unity values can play on someone’s idea of how a relationship should be. They also gave a good examples of unity-values in songs, and the positive effect that these can have on encouraging unity. Below I will give three examples of analysis of song lyrics from generation 24, and discuss in detail the technique that was used, and the conclusion that was found.

“I’m Gonna Miss Her” By Brad Paisley

Analysis By: Jessica Pettit

Report located at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/pettit/pettit-409b-g24-report1.htm

Well, I love her
But I love to fish (Loves an activity more than his wife)
I spend all day out on this lake
And hell is all I catch
But today she met me at the door
Said I would have to choose (Choose to agree that he needs to pay attention to how she feels)
If I hit that fishin hole today
She'd be packin all her things
And she'd be gone by noon.
Chorus:
Well, I'm gonna miss her (Chooses the activity over his wife)
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite, all right!
Bridge:
Now there's a chance that if I hurry
I could beg her to stay (Begging isn’t important enough for him to accept responsibility for his relationship)
That water's right
And the weather's perfect
No tellin' what I might catch today.
2nd Chorus:
So I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, another bite
Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there I've got a bite...

The technique that Jessica used was to look at the lyrics and identify whether or not they were unity or anti-unity values. She pointed these out in red. Jessica felt that when people hear song lyrics with AUV’s contributes to the acceptance of certain negative values, especially among younger populations that listen to music without realizing the messages contained within the lyrics. She says that it ultimately tells society it is okay to objectify women and treat them like sexual objects, rather than equals. It also condones the use of negative language towards various groups of people within out society. She also thinks that music language can influence violence within relationships and give young males hypothetical roles they need to play in order to be considered masculine and tough. She also feels that this type of behavior can encourage sexual promiscuity in young adults as well.

“Making Memories of Us”, by Keith Urban
Analysis By: Adriel Stipek
Report located at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/stipek/stipek-409b-g24-report1.htm
 
 'm gonna be here for you baby
He’s going to be there to support her
I'll be a man of my word
He’ll be honest with her
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
Speak to her with kindness that she’s never experienced
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
He wants to be with her for his entire life, and he wants to be with her when he dies
 And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
He wants her to trust him, more and more, as they make memories together
 I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
He’s showing that he’ll respect her family
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been
He wants to keep things exciting for her, and make her always want him
 And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
He wants her to trust him, more and more, as they make memories together
 We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
 I'm gonna be here for you from now on
Showing that he hasn’t always been there for her in the past
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
He’s treated her wrong in the past (dominance or equity model), but he won’t from now until forever
And I'm gonna make you a promise 
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
He doesn’t know if there is an after-life, but if there is, he wants to be in it with her, and be the first 
one to greet her there. On his way to Unity possibly
 And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us
Ends the song by repeating message, and confirming to her how 
dedicated he is to doing this
 

Adriel examined this song by using a technique where he pointed out different unity values and anti-unity values, along with actions that would fit into the different models of either unity, equity, or dominance. Adriel I felt like this song could really make a positive impact on young people, and how they view their relationships. He said that it could possibly teach them the importance of respecting the parents of their partners and build trust through positive actions, and of loving someone unconditionally forever. He said that it could also teach them that everyone makes mistakes in relationships, but that all can work to make them better, and work their way towards a more unified relationship. He said that it can show them that it is possible to love one person for their entire life and into the after-life.

“Loving You” By: Jennifer Lopez

Analysis By: Naomi Wong

Report located at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/wong/wong-409b-g24-report1.htm

Lyric AUV

Would you mind If I took the time to get to know you Cause it's been a while Since all we've been through And even though I said my feelings wouldn't change Nothing stays the same Ooh... I can see when I look in your eyes You mean no harm It's just the way you manipulate me with your charm And I could tell the love I have for you is still strong And there ain't nothin wrong with me Still loving you... After all that we've been through I find myself still loving you But I think we need to take the time To get it right Cause I never give up on a good thing I never give up on the love we had Ooh.. We just need to take it slow In the past, you would act as if you don't really care You would fight and argue almost anywhere Looking back sometimes, I feel like such a fool For putting up with you Ooh... Baby please... Understand me if it seems I'm confused It's just it might take me some time To get used to you When I think of all the things we used to do Baby...I just find myself still loving you... After all that we've been through I find myself still loving you But I think we need to take the time To get it right Cause I never give up on a good thing Never gave up on the love we had, Baby...we just need to take it slow I believe you and me have the chance to make this right Oh baby if your heart is in it, I'm still with it Even after all this time has passed Ohh... I'm still loving you... After all that we've been through, yeah... I find myself still loving you But I think we need to take the time to get it right Cause I never give up on a good thing (Never give up on a good thing) I never gave up on the love we had, Baby...we just need to take it slow After all that we've been through I Find myself still loving you But I think we need to take the time to get it right Cause I never gave up on a good thing (Never give up) Never gave up on the love we had (Love we had) We just need to take it slow

This song is about a woman talking to her man trying to convince him that there’s something wrong in their relationship.  It’s one-sided emotion from the woman asking him to work things out. (AUV 19) Manipulating partner through deception.  He seems to be okay, but she is hurting. So there is something he did to her that made her feel bad. (AUV 21)  He is being dominant with his feelings and not showing what she wants to see. (AUV 19 + 20)  Making it look normal for a man to abuse woman.  Here he is abusing her verbally with arguing and disagreement in public which somewhat exploits her. (AUV 22)  When arguing it’s making what the woman say and think as less important. The overall song has a feeling of the woman being wrong and wanting the man to come back to her.  There is no harmony on the cognitive or affective level in this relationship.

Naomi did her analysis of this song by examining the song, and pointing out the anti-unity values within the song. She also specified which anti-unity value number each anti-unity value went with. She felt that this song lets young people know about relationships can be for women.  She thought that it made woman look bad and weak.  She said that there was an affective side of the woman trying to achieve affective unity but that the man is disconnected from her.  She said that this song also shows submissiveness.  I thought her analysis of the submissiveness was a good thing to pick up on, so many women become so submissive that they loose all sense of self.

C. "Why Britney Spears Matters"

Article located at: http://www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html

This is an article on Britney Spears, and the effect that her image is playing on the younger generations. There seems to be a growing concern that she is having a negative effect on how young girls view themselves, and how they view sex. In this article they argue that Britney has covered a wide range of different sex roles, but that she never addresses other roles that also shape who young girls are. It is argued that her young fans may get the idea that women can take care on many roles sexually and that her source of identification may lie soley on her sexuality. 

It seems that many young girls ages 6 to 10 have now made Britney their role model. Young girls are going around singing lyrics to her songs such as lyrics “I’m not that innocent,” when the girl is only 6 or 7, and should still be innocent. The article says that some critics have attributed the current rise in eating disorders among 10 and 11 year olds to the abundance of super thin super stars like Britney Spears. The only good thing that was mentioned was that they said that she allows for girls to explore their emerging sexuality through her song lyrics, and that this may make young girls feel less embarrassed and more confident about their emotions and sexuality, and this could lead to a stronger identity for these girls as they become women.

In correspondence to the three models of marriage I believe that the image that Britney Spears produces is a negative one, and that it may lead many girls into a dominance relationship with a man someday. She advertises submissiveness and even sometimes helplessness that is not a positive impact on girls. She does give off a very sexual image, and this image is not appropriate for young girls. Girls want boys, and they are exposed to things at too young of an age, and think that acting as if they are 10 years older than they really are, they will get the boy that they want. These types of images that are created in the media are anti-unity values and are having a negative effect on our younger generation. It is not just the girls, but the boys as well. They see girls on TV acting like this, and they think that all girls should, and they put pressure on the girls to do things that they normally would not do.

However, the media is not entirely to blame. I do think that parents should be controlling what there children are watching, and what they are listening too. When I was little, I was not allowed to watch MTV, or listen to certain music, and I was kept from being exposed to certain things until I was old enough. Britney Spears is not the first pop artist to influence young girls in a sexual manner. Are we all forgetting about Madonna? She was very much around while I was growing up, and yet she was kept out of my living room, and out of my CD player, and so she has no impact on me growing up. Parents need to start be careful at screening what their children are exposed to, at least until they are teenagers.

E. Social Implications

I think that there are serious social implications of AUV’s in the media as I have stated above. Girls are learning far too much, at too young of an age, and they do not yet have the cognitive skills to deal with all of the sexual things that normally they would not have to deal with until they are older. When you are a teenager, and even younger, all that you want is to be excepted, to be liked, especially by boys. You are still trying to figure out who you are, and you are searching everything for clues, including the media through songs, movies, and TV shows. It is our responsibility as a society to make sure that out children are being exposed to positive things, things that help to build their self-esteem and sense of self in a positive way. This however, does not end or begin with the media. It begins with in the home, at school, at church, or anywhere else that a chills goes to in search of real interaction and support. If a child gets a strong sense of self apart from the media, there is no song or film that can take that away from them.

The Question I am answering is Question 7:

(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you discuss the three phases in relation to conversational style (dominant style, equity style, and unity style).

(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)

(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.

A. Conversational styles of married partners

The conversational style of married partners can say a lot about what level of mental intimacy that they are at. Since mental intimacy is also an essential part of physical intimacy the conversational style between married couples can also greatly relate to the kind of sex that a couple is having. In lecture notes 17a Dr. Leon James refers to these types of conversational styles as sexy and unsexy types of conversation. Women need to feel that their husbands are listening to them, and that their voice is being heard. When a man talks over his wife or does not let her speak, then he using an un-sexy style of conversation, and their level of physical intimacy will suffer because of this.

The conversational style that you would typically see with a couple in the dominance model of marriage, would definitely be a un-sexy conversational style. This conversational style would include the husband talking over the wife, and not letting her speak when she tries to talk. The husband would also switch the conversation topic according to what he wants to talk about, and not necessarily what his wife wants to talk about. He may call her denigrating names and use harsh tones when speaking to her. The husband will use gestures and his body to intimidate her or to punish her when he does not like what she is doing. The husband would not be a good listener, and he would not show very much emotion when his wife is trying to express her concerns or feelings. The husband will also think that women are less intelligent than men and he will dismiss her views when it suits him.

Also in the dominance phase, the husband will also complain about his wife not giving him enough sex. The husband is forcing sexual blackmail on his wife, and the wife is having sex with her husband, even when she does not feel mental intimate with her husband. The woman in this relationship does not feel mentally intimate with her husband, and so she has less of a desire to have sex with her husband. The husband is constantly disagreeing with his wife and making her angry. The husband will love to dominate his wife more than to be intimate with her prefers the company of men to women. The intimacy in this phase is limited if non-existent, the dominant attitude of the husband makes it almost impossible for the wife to have mental intimacy with her husband, and also keeps their relationship from reaching a spiritual level.

The conversational style that you would typically see in the equity phase would vary more than in the dominance or the unity phases. The strive for equality in this marriage will cause you to see less dominant styles of communication, but there are not exactly unity styles either. In this phase the husband will talk like he is always out to defend his views,  rights, or conveniences and he will exaggerate and lie to control his wife and he will call her bad names and criticize her when he is mad or in a bad mood. The husband will think that his wife’s views are not as relevant to the specific situation that he addressing. He will consider his views fair and rational and he will hide his feelings to control his wife. He will still like to keep certain areas in his life where he can have independence and be separate from his wife. Where there may be more mental intimacy in this model of marriage, the strive for equality, and fact that the presence of male dominance still exists in this relationship, keeps the couple from achieving intimacy at the affective level, and the inmost self.

The conversational style of a couple who are in the Unity model of marriage would be that of a couple who are conjoined together at all three levels of the threefold self. The husband in this relationship will try to never talk to his wife in an unfriendly tone. He will not interrupt her when she is speaking. He will always appear interested, involved, animated and supportive of her when they are speaking. The husband will think that his views don't matter as much as his wife's views, since he is trying to adopt her views for the sake of unity in eternity. He will love to learn how to make his wife more important in his mind than himself. He will love mental intimacy with her as a woman. These styles of communication are considered to be a sexy conversational style. These conversation styles allow the wife to feel mentally intimate with her husband, and feel truly conjoined to him. This mental intimacy allows the couple to also achieve the highest level of physical intimacy as well.

B. Example Conversation

Sue: “Hi, Honey, I am so glad that you are home, it has been such a long day, and there is so much that I want to tell you about.”

John: “Is dinner ready?”

Sue: “Um, not yet, there were some things that…..”

John: (He cuts her off) “That is not what I asked you, I do not care what happened today, all you have to do is stay at home and take care of the kids, and have dinner ready when I come home. Is that so hard?

Sue: “Okay, I will go do it right now.” (She gives in and goes to the kitchen to make dinner.)

(Later at the dinner table after dinner is ready)

Sue: “So today, with kids, when we were at the park…”

John: (Interrupts her) “Did you catch the score of the Giants game?”

Sue: “No, sorry, but like I was saying, there was a little accident at the park today..”

John: “Are the kids okay?”

Sue: “Yes…”

John: “Well that’s all that I need to know. Honey, at the end of my busy day, the last thing that I want to hear about is your small problems of the day.”

Sue: “Okay.” She gives in submissively, unable to express her feelings, or stand up to her husband.

(She is almost in tears, but he ignores it, as if she is not upset at all)

John: “What is for desert?”

(Later in the bedroom when they are getting ready to go to bed, John starts to make advances towards her for sex.)

Sue: “Honey, you know, I am really tired, and like I was trying to tell you it has been a long day, and I am not really in the mood.”

John: “What? I work so hard all day, to bring home a good living for you and the kids, you can’t deny me my needs as a man, I need sex, or I feel all backed up inside, and I will not be able to function at work.”

Sue: “Okay, fine” She gives in, and lays there almost motion less while they have sex, and he ignores that she is emotionally checked out, as if she is not even there.

C. Analysis of this conversation

This conversation is an example of a conversation that you would see with a couple who are in the dominance model of marriage. This form of conversation is also what would be considered un-sexy. The husband is very overbaring over his wife. He constantly interrupts her when ever she tries to speak. He does not want to hear about her day, or anything that is important to her. He demands that she have dinner ready, and does not care what may have happened to have kept her from preparing dinner on time. He shifts the topic from what she is trying to talk about, to what is wants to talk about. At the end of night, he even commits sexual blackmail, by making her feel guilty, and making her have sex with him, when she was not mentally intimate with her husband. I think this a example of what all couples should strive to stay away from when communicating with each other.

The Question I am answering is Question #12:

(a) Select three couples that you know, in such a way that one is going to fail, one that is going to succeed, and one that has mixed components (success and failure, up and down).

(b)  Explain why you think that the couples are failing or succeeding. Show how the unity model (with three phases) helps you understand the relationship dynamics for each couple. Give specific examples of their behaviors in the threefold self regarding conjunctive and disjunctive interactions. How would you advise them to help them succeed?

A. Descriptions of Three Couples

Sarah and George

Sarah and George have been married for a little over five years now. They have two kids who are ages 2 and 4. George works in Construction, and Sarah stays home with the children. Before getting married, Sarah was a lawyer at one of the best firms in the city, and she was on her way to becoming partner. When she became pregnant, George insisted that she quit her job, because “No wife of his was going to work, and raise children at the same time.” Sarah had been making more money than George, and since she has quit her job, there has been a number of financial troubles that have arisen. They have just moved into a smaller house, since they could no longer afford living in the house that they were living in. Sarah has been put on a tight budget by George, and is now given a weekly allowance.

There have been many fights over the control of money, since George has insisted that he decide all matters concerning money, and that Sarah can have no say in it. He insists that since he is a man, that he knows best, and that he is the head of the family. He has also sold one of their cars, saying that there is no reason why she needs to travel around during the day, and that she can run all her arron's on the weekend, when he is off work, and can go with her. When George comes home at night, he expects the house to be clean, dinner to be ready, and his wife to be ready to have sex. Sarah says that anytime that she suggests different activities for them to do, he always says, no let’s do this, and states something that he wants to do. He does not listen to her when she tries to speak, and is constantly interrupting her when she talks. He says that this is the job of a wife, and it is her duty to comply. Sarah does not feel mentally connected to her husband, and feels that he never listens to what matters to her, or hears her voice. Sarah has become depressed, and is now seeing a Therapist, and taking anti-depressants.

Kendra and Mike

Kendra and Mike have been married for a little over 10 years. They have two children who are ages 7 and 9. Mike is a manager at a Business office, and Kendra teaches Kindergarten at her children’s school. She just recently went back to school after be a stay at home mom since her first child was born. Her husband approves of her working, but still expects her to keep the house clean, and have dinner ready when he gets home everyday. He thinks that this is a fair trade since he brings home the bulk of the family’s income, and allows Kendra to go on extravagant shopping sprees where she buys $300 designer purses, and $500 designer shoes.

When it comes to their sex life, Mike and Kendra have a strict reciprocal agreement as far as what they will do, or won’t do in bed. If Kendra agrees to give oral sex, then Mike agrees to give her oral sex as well. Everything should be fair, 50/50 he says. Kendra says that she wants things to be fair in the marriage, since so often women are not treated fairly, but she says that sometimes the line is thin, and she feels that striving for fairness takes out the sense of giving. She feels that there is something lacking in their relationship. Kendra feels that her husband listens to her, and tries to understand her feelings, but at the end of the day, he seems to always feel that he is right. She says she feels like he does a good job at appearing to care about what she says, but he still on occasion will shift the topic to what he wants to talk about. She says that she feels like he is sometimes not really listening to what she has to say.

Holly and John

Holly and John have been married for 7 years. They have one child who is 5 years old. John is an accountant, and sometimes has to work late hours, especially during the tax season. Holly is a stay at home mom, but it was by her choice. John had said that she could work or not work depending on whatever would make her happy. He had said that if necessary, he could lessen his hours at work, so he could be home more. Holly decided that she wanted to stay at home at least until her child was in high school. She has taken up writing, and has been writing a novel in her spare time. They enjoy many activities together including hiking, and rock climbing which they do often together. They go away one weekend a month together, because they feel that it is important to have alone time together, so that their relationship remains strong, and the number one thing in their life.

The money is shared equally, and John always discusses all financial matters with his wife, for he values her opinion even more than his own, for she is most in tuned with his true intentions. They discuss their feeling openly and freely, and John always takes his wife’s criticism, and tries to apply it to better himself, and be a good husband. He never forces sex on her, and if they are having a fight, they withhold any physical intimacy until they have worked through their problem. John, says that he is in this marriage for eternity, and he will do what ever it takes to make his wife happy, and be a good husband.

Failing or succeeding?

Sarah and George are a couple that I consider to be in the dominance model of marriage. I would also consider their marriage to be headed towards failure. George is extremely dominant over Sarah, and he controls every aspect of her life. He does not listen to what she has to say, or how she feels. George uses an un-sexy style of communication and constantly interrupting her when she talks. He also uses disjunctive behaviors by not listening to what she wants to do, and suggesting something that he wants to do. George is so dominant that they are unable to achieve mental intimacy, and yet George still demands sex from Sarah, forcing Sexual Blackmail on her. If this couple wants their marriage to succeed, then George needs to change his male dominant ways, and make an effort to conjoin to his wife and use conversational styles that show empathy and understanding.

Kendra and Mike are a couple that I consider to be in the equity model of marriage. They are striving for equality so much in their marriage that they are neither failing or succeeding. This effort for equality has taken away a level of intimacy that can only be achieved through unity and conjoining together. What they do not realize is that one whole isn’t two equal parts, but two parts that fit together in their own way to form their whole. Mike justifies his lack of helping out around the and communicating with his wife by allowing her to go on extravagant shopping sprees, which is not making her happy on a mentally intimate level, but in a superficial way that is hurting their relationship. I think that if they want their relationship to truly succeed and enter into the Unity model of marriage that they need to stop trying to make everything equal, and start providing each other with what they truly need in the relationship. Mike needs to listen to his wife’s needs, and trust that she is more aware of his intentions then he is.

Holly and John are a couple that I consider to be in the unity model of marriage. There marriage appears to be succeeding, and I think that they have a marriage that will last into eternity. John and Holly put their relationship and the number one priority in their life. He always checks with her before doing things, thus doing a conjoint behavior. John recognizes that his wife is more in tuned with his intentions then he is, and he always takes her criticism constructively and always tried to apply it to his behavior. They both understand that physical intimacy must follow mental intimacy. They use sexy, conjunctive styles when speaking to each other, which furthers their mental and physical intimacy. They have accomplished an eternal spiritual marriage, and are a great example for a successful marriage.

The Question I am answering is Question #4:

(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values .
It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy Marriage." Read and discuss the article.

(b) Are these good instances of unity values or not? Explain.

(c) Search the Web using Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.

A. Secrets to a Happy Marriage

This article gives couples what they say are the “Secrets to a Happy Marriage.” The first secret to a successful marriage that is given is the Full Disclosure of Moneys , that there should be no hidden accounts in the marriage. The couple should not keep any money separate from each other, or any money secret. The article says that bringing out the hidden things empowers each other and creates an environment in the family of equality and the sharing of power. This is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in the marriage relationship.

The second secret to a happy marriage is each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills. This means that each partner needs to work hard to understand each other’s communication levels, and adapt so that they can communicate well with each other. The third secret to a happy marriage is that words empower, and that you should praise your spouse often in public and in private. They say that it is important to let your spouse know how much you appreciate them in front of other people, and privately to them. In public, it helps to boost your partner’s ego and feel better about themselves.

B. Good Examples if Unity Values?

The first secret to a successful marriage that is given is the Full Disclosure of Moneys, that there should be no hidden accounts in the marriage, is not necessarily a good example of a unity value. If there is a specific need for the wife to have a separate account, such as if she was trying to build credit, then it should be okay, and the husband should realize that this is something that she needs. However if there is no real reason for the wife to have a separate account, and she is hiding it from him, then this would be an anti-unity value, and would not be in line with unity.

The second secret to a happy marriage is each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills; I think also may or may not be a unity value. If it is used by the husband to better understand his wife’s form of communication, then it could help in them conjoining. However if it is used by the husband as an excuse for what she needs to do to communicate with her, then it will not be in line with unity, and therefore it will be a anti-unity value. The example that they give when the couple tries to talk at the end of the day is not a unity value, because they husband needs to always try and listen to his wife, and connect with her when she is trying to connect with him.

The third secret to a happy marriage is that words empower, and that you should praise your spouse often in public and in private. I think that this again can be a unity value, but can also be a anti-unity value as well. I think that while it is good to give praise to your spouse, it is not good if you are not being truthful or allowing proper criticism that allows for constructive criticism, that can in turn help the relationship more, then just praise alone can. Praise is good if it comes from a genuine place, but if it feels forced, it will not have the same effect as if it was genuine.

C. Other Advice given to married couples

"Recipe for a Happy Marriage"
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

Located at: http://www.relationshipgold.com/Marriage/recipeforahappymarriage.htm

This website contains 7 simple suggestions to help you create your recipe for a happy marriage. Underneath each suggestion, I have critiqued how I think that they fit into the Unity model of marriage.

1. If you want to keep your marriage alive and growing, you have to really want to keep it that way. You have to decide that the marriage is important in your life and give it the time and attention it needs. As we've said before, it doesn't matter what you say or intend about your marriage. Your actions are what speak the loudest.

I think that this advice goes along well with the unity model of marriage. In the unity model of marriage, you must put your marriage as the first priority in your life, and it must come before anything else, including your children. This means giving it the time and attention that it needs, as stated in the above advice.

2. Focus on what you like and love about the person instead of what you don't like or gets on your nerves. We truly do get more of what we focus on. If you want to prevent infidelity, flirting with others outside the relationship, affairs, and even divorce and a relationship breakup, begin focusing on the positive in your relationship and not the negative.

I think that this does not go along with the unity model of marriage, If there is something that the husband is doing that is bothering the wife, then she needs to let the husband know, so that he can change his behavior and thus better conjoin to her. They need to work on their problems, and not just ignore what they do not like about each other.

3. Kindness matters in marriages, so be kind. Very often, people in relationships treat the people closest to them worse than they treat acquaintances or even total strangers. Several years ago we attended a presentation by Wayne Dyer and in it, he told us that if you are choosing whether to be "right" or to be kind, always choose kindness. We think that's great advice.

I think that this goes along with the unity model, for you need to put aside your pride, and put conjoining over being right. With that said, I think that this is something that should go with out being said, because of course you should be nice to your spouse, if you can not kind, then you should not get married.

4. Show appreciation for your spouse and what they mean to you. You may be thinking that you need to say "thank you" and just haven't taken the time or energy to do it. We urge you to make a habit of expressing appreciation. If you do, we think you'll find your marriage to be filled with much more happiness and joy.

Expressing appreciation for your spouse is an important part of the unity model. However, like what I addressed before, it must come from a genuine place, and appreciation must be given for the right reasons.

5. Ask for what you want. Most people expect the people who are in relationship with them to be mind readers. If you're expecting others to be psychics, you're in for a painful ride if you're in relationship with them. If you want your needs to be met, you have to tell people what these needs are. You also have to tell them in a way that they can hear them. Sometimes this takes courage, but we know that when you clearly ask for what you want, you bypass assumptions, resentments and miscommunications.

In the unity model of marriage, the wife should ask for what she wants, and let the husband know when he is not giving her what she needs. In the unity model of marriage it is for the wife to state when the husband is doing something wrong, that way he can fix it, and keep the unity within their marriage.

6. Listen without judging or getting defensive. Be open to the possibility that someone else's opinion or way of doing things may be just as valid or important as yours. Just because their way is different, doesn't make them or you wrong. If you're constantly judging, being defensive and building walls, you're not open to possibilities and to the love that is possible between two people.

This type of behavior would fit into the dominance model of marriage, and it is important to avoid this if you are trying to achieve a unity model of marriage. These are classic male behaviors, of a man who is trying to avoid conjoining with his wife.

7. Be willing to risk opening your heart and letting your spouse in. We can be in a relationship for many years and still not allow another person to penetrate our walls of protection. If you want to have a marriage that is alive and growing, being willing to risk is a prerequisite.

This is very important at establishing a marriage that will last into eternity. If your spouse does not know who you really are, how can they conjoin to you? Both partners need to let down their walls in order to conjoin, and the husband has to trust that the wife knows his intentions better then he does, and trust her intuition.

My Report on the Current Generation

Kaysha Blow

Report located at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/blow/blow-409b-g26-report1.htm

In Kaysha’s Report 1, she began the report by contrasting two films Prime, and Save the last Dance. She felt that these movies were similar in some ways, but very contrastive in others. She said that in the movie Prime, Dave and Rafi seem to be extremely connected at the sensorimotor dominance phase. Save the Last Dance, however, is a movie that she felt showed much more advanced interactions. She concluded that media in films such as these influence how people think about relationships.

Next, Kaysha examined the finding of a prior generation. Her reaction to their findings was that she felt that there were many commonalities. She said that all of the reports seemed to conclude that gender portrayals and anti-unity values in the media do have an effect on younger generations and society in general. She said that she agreed with their findings. She said that she agrees with this principle because she has a firm belief that children learn by example and if they do not have somebody in their life to learn from, they will adapt their beliefs from what they see in the media.

For her research findings, Kaysha looked at a journal articles “Who wants to Marry a Millionaire? by Zubriggen & Morgan (2006), “ The effects of sexually violent rock music on males’ acceptance of violence against women.” By St.Joyner (1991) , and an article that investigated what contribution watching television made to the gender role attitudes of latino adosescents. She found that all in all there seems to be ample evidence to support the argument that media effects society. She said that it is important that we educate our youth to make sure they understand there are different ways of entering into and being in a relationship other than how relationships are showed on TV and talked about in music.

She examined Conjunctive and Disjunctive behaviors. It was her opinon that that many couples can fall into a pattern of disjunctive interactions because they have a lack of trust. That they can be afraid that if they are vulnerable that their inner most thoughts and feelings may be used against them at a later time. She believes men especially, can be afraid to be vulnerable with their wife.

Her conclusion was sometimes it is difficult for her to put the Unity model of marriage into perspective, but that it is getting easier for her. She said that it has been interesting to learn about the different phases of marriage, male dominance, equity, and unity. She says that she has found herself analyzing the interactions between herself and her husband and she has been deciphering where things would fall on the ennead chart of interactions. She is enjoying applying the class material to real life situations.

Tiffany Wong

Report located at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-report%201.htm

In Tiffany’s Report 1, she contrasted two films Prime, and The Notebook. She said that it was easier for her to see disjunctive behaviors instead of conjunctive ones. In the Notebook, she said that Allie and Noah were always aware of their love. She said that they were true soul mates. She said that they were what the Unity phase is truly about: being together in eternity. She felt that both of these films with have an effect on young people, but the Notebook gives a more positive effect then Prime.

She examined the findings of a prior generation. She found that there were many points that where brought up by the previous generation that she has not thought of. She was fascinated by the personal stories that were told by students of the previous generation. She felt that they give insight on how to apply the concepts of the different phases of marriage, Dominance, Equity, and Unity. She said that while reading there findings that it made her also examine some of her relationships from her past. She does not think that the media has an impact on her life or her thought process. She found that the media does have an effect on children, and that they soak up everything from billboards to commercials.

Next, she looked at Conjunctive vs. Disjunctive behaviors. She agreed with the definitions of conjunctive and disjunctive verbal interactions. She defined a conjunctive verbal interaction as being where each partner is actively listening to what the other is say or not saying. She defined a disjunctive verbal interaction as when one partner is being attacked or ignored emotional, and their feelings are being put on the backburner. She then compared these to some of her past interactions that were both conjunctive and disjunctive behaviors.

Her conclusion was that she has learned so much about the dominance-equity-unity model of marriage. She feels that she has learned about why men and women communicate and think in different ways and the different phases of marriage. She is going to apply this new knowledge that she has gained from this class in her future relationships. She does not agree with the concept that children come second in her the unity model of marriage, and she does not feel that a wife should ignore her husband. She feels that the best way to apply the ideas in the course is to look at your own life, and relate it to that.

Advice to Future Generations

My advice to future generations first and foremost, is; Do not procrastinate! In order to get the most out of this report, it is important to start early and take your time at examining the questions and the corresponding reading from the books, and from the lectures. I found that the minimum amount of pages if 15, but if will take your more than 15 pages to answer all the questions with a good analysis. I also advise to future generations that they keep an open mind while studying all the aspects of the Unity Model of marriage. I think that this is a very new concept to most, and that it is especially hard for men to get used to, but I think that men especially, will be able to achieve better relationships if they apply the concepts that they have learned in this course.

My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gorman/gorman-home.htm

Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm