Psychology 409B, January 29, 2007
Outline 2: The Unity Model of Marriage
Heather Gorman
Instructions for
this activity are found at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/g26-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Two main topics:
-The conjoint self.
-The Levels of conjunction.
I) The conjoint self:
A) The conjoint self refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the three fold self- affective (feeling, intentions), cognitive (thoughts and reasoning), and sensorimotor (sensations and responses).
1) Growing together through differentiation in reciprocity: each individual must change by leaving some traits, and acquiring some new ones, so that the couple fit together.
(a) Example of traits that males leave behind:
(1) Football Sunday, where only men get together to watch the big game and women are excluded.
(b) Example of traits that women abandon, that she perceives do not fit with her husbands personality:
(1) Learning to enjoy his hobbies, such as watching football on Sundays, which she may have never done before.
2) Synergistic Unit: The husband guiding his thinking into a direction that the woman will approve of. The woman can not convince him of something if he does not want to cooperate. The woman success is dependant to the husband responding to her attempts.
II) The Levels of Conjunction:
A) Initial or first Level of conjunction:
1) This level involves the sensorimotor portion of their threefold self.
(a) Examples: Doing things together such as dancing, touching each other, partying, camping, watching movies, eating out, driving, talking about favorite topics, etc.
2) These activities do not mean that they are in agreement with each other’s way of thinking. What is inside may be in opposition to each other.
3) Same Sex friendships, and activities:
(a) Women: women use their friendships as support when they can not get their man to listen to them.
(b) Men use their friendships to complain about women, and speak about them with disrespect. Example: Ball and chain, she nags me, etc. Men are still trying to maintain their affective independence, and by so they are also keeping secrets from their wife.
4) Reciprocals conjoining: In a reciprocal relationship, there is always a give and take, so that both sides fit together. Ex. Pot&handles. Key&key hole, shoe&lace, etc.
(a) Friendship example: I am good at English, you are good at Chemistry, I help you, you help me, to form a friendship unit. Not equal, but a good fit.
5) External Sensorimotor disjunction: interactions who motive is the opposite of intimacy and conjunction.
(a) For example, a wife may ask her husband where he has been, and why he wasn’t home for dinner, and he raises his voice, and yells at her, and says, “Don’t you trust me, and refuses to answer her question”
(b) Another example is even as simple at not helping a women carry a heavy load, or their child when she needs help.
B) The Second Level of Conjunction:
1) This level of conjunction involves the cognitive self of the two partners. How they think, reason, justify things, what is acceptable and not, their knowledge, basic philosophy of life, and religious beliefs. When a couple can see eye to eye on many things, and achieve this second level of conjunction their relationship is more satisfying and enriching.
2) Easier for women:
(a) This level is often easier for women who are already spiritually oriented towards conjunction. Women see this level as gaining togetherness.
3) Men resist the change:
(a) They have the desire to keep their old ideas; they see the conjoint self as giving up themselves. Men want control over their environment.
4) Cognitive Intimacy: builds conjunction.
(a) To achieve this a woman needs to know what a man is thinking. A man keeps secrets and accuses the female of meddling, pushy, and not trusting him, which are disjunctive behaviors and they prevent cognitive intimacy.
(b) The man must change the way that he is thinking about whatever they are talking about, or keep talking until they are both satisfied.
C) The Third Level of Conjunction:
1) This level involves the partners affective self, their feelings, motivations, and goals of happiness, and togetherness. This is the inmost level of intimacy.
2) Systematic and long term effort in reciprocal growth:
(a) The partners give up feelings, loyalties, goals, or involvements that are not conjoint, and exclude the partner. For example: Football Sunday, girl’s night out, etc.
In conclusion, as you begin the process of achieving the conjoint self, you are no longer a single individual, but part of a unit, and as you move through the stages you are getting closer to the Unity model of marriage, and achieving a marriage that will be eternal.
Web links:
http://www.seedsofunfolding.org/issues/xv/features_3_2.htm
This website addresses marriages on a spiritual level. It talks about the conjoint self, and men and women asking each other to change after they are married. It talks about seeing your marriage in god’s eyes.
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gorman/gorman-home.htm
Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm