Report 1
Disjunctive vs.
Conjunctive
Discourse and
Behavior in Couples
By: Jenna Kawasugi
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm
G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Introduction: What is this Report?
This Report is about using what we have learned so far in the course about the Unity Model of Marriage using the ennead chart and identifying conjunctive (positive) and disjunctive (negative) behavior in interactions among couples. It also looks at the root of the problems within marriages starting with the younger generation and the anti-unity values (AUVs) that degrade others as the basis for social perceptions that depict certain gender roles through the mass media, influencing developing minds.
What is G26?
G26
refers to Generation 26 (Spring 2007).
It also represents the 26th course that Dr. Leon James has
taught at the
What is Section A?
In Section A, I will analyze and contrast two movies corresponding with the ennead chart (below). The first movie is Prime. The second movie is My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The purpose of this section is to illustrate the differences in the interactions between couples according to the different zones of the ennead chart while also listing the examples from each movie.
Section A:
Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart
Ennead Chart (read from bottom – up)
|
Unity Model of
Marriage & the Three Fold Self |
Sensorimotor (physical sensations & responses) |
Cognitive (thoughts & reasoning) |
Affective (feelings & interactions) |
|
Unity (Level 3) |
Zone 7 |
Zone 8 |
Zone 9 |
|
Equity (Level 2) |
Zone 4 |
Zone 5 |
Zone 6 |
|
Dominance (Level 1) |
Zone 1 |
Zone 2 |
Zone 3 |
Synopsis of two movies– Prime & My Big Fat Greek
Wedding
Movie 1 - Prime (Starring: Meryl Streep, Uma Thurman, Bryan Greenberg)
A week after signing divorce papers from her lying and cheating husband of 9 years, 37 year old Rafael aka Rafi (Thurman) starts a relationship with 23 year old, David aka Dave (Greenberg). Unbeknownst to the new couple, they have an unknown link between them, David’s mother, Dr. Lisa Metzger (Streep) who incidentally is also Rafi’s therapist. The 14 year age difference between the couple becomes more and more evident as their relationship progresses. As much love for one another they have, it is not enough to bridge the age gap that separates their lives at this particular point in time. They are at different points in their separate lives and neither can really accept one way of life over the other without maintaining resentment towards the other.
Movie 2 - My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Starring: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett)
Toula (Vardalos), a 30 year old, unwed, second generation Greek-American transforms from a predominantly traditional Greek culture where Greeks marry Greeks and have Greek babies - wants to earn a college degree and change r image of herself so she can find love. After her self discovery and transformation into an industrialized working American woman, she meets the man of her dreams, Ian (Corbett). There is only one problem he is not Greek in anyway. However, he is the perfect man for her. He makes her feel like a perfect woman and loves her for everything that she is. He gives her the confidence to conquer all obstacles that lies before them as they will face them together especially marriage.
Contrasting Data between Prime and My Big Fat Greek
Wedding
Zone 1 –Sensorimotor Dominance
Prime – As their second date, Dave meets Rafi at her house and brings her soup. While at her apartment she is washing the dishes, he pushes himself up against her and turns off the water, turns her around so he can passionately touch and kiss her. There is no dialogue involved just his desire to touch and kiss her.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – An example of sensorimotor in the dominance phase of marriage can be seen in the scene where Ian wants to take Toula out to dinner and automatically assumes that since she is Greek, she would want to eat Greek food. She says “No”, but he persists by saying, “No, listen.”
Zone 2 – Cognitive Dominance
Prime –She asks him if he slept with Sue in the two weeks that they were broken up. He does not answer and tries to avoid answering the question as if he was not listening to what she just said. His facial expression shows his guilt and regret. After they got back together he did not tell her that he had a one night fling with her co-worker. This shows his dominance in not wanting to tell her something that could possibly end their newly restored relationship, which will also hurt her more than anything else.
Another example, Prime – He does not want to give Rafi his license because he thinks that she will think that he is too young for her. He tries to change the subject and give her the run around.
Prime – He is fighting with Rafi over his mother’s ethics. He defends his mother’s actions and jokes about it. Rafi is clearly upset that he is not mad and it making jokes about the situation.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Ian wants to take Toula to the Greek restaurant “Dancing Zorbas”, but she still says no. He persists and does not accept her answer without an explanation, until he is satisfied.
Zone 3 – Affective Dominance
Prime – At one of her parties, Rafi interacts with a 1 year old baby and he doesn’t like the idea that she wants a baby so he walks away without mentioning it to her. He just leaves the area, not the party.
Another example, Prime – She tells him that she said he was an artist. He immediately corrects her, stating that it’s just a hobby and he still needs to pay the bills so he needs a job too.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Ian is staring at Toula trying to remember where he was seen her when he refers to her as “that waitress” and she replies with “seating hostess.” He says that he remembers her.
Another example, My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Although he never forces her, after many failed attempts he takes the initiative, instead of driving Toula home, he drives her to his apartment and invites her upstairs.
Zone 4 – Sensorimotor Equity
Prime – An example of sensorimotor disjunction in the equity phase of marriage can be seen in the scene previously shown, David has not left the house for the whole day and has been lazily sleeping in and watching television all day. He did not even pick up after himself. The house is a mess. She comes home and looks disappointed and a little bit angry, but dismisses it until it blows up later in this scene.
She yells at Dave for not pulling his share of the work around the house. That is all she is asking of him, that he at least pick up after himself.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – At a party Ian embraces Toula’s Greek culture and tries to learn Greek phrases and dances.
Zone 5 – Cognitive Equity
Prime –He is apologizing to her for hurting her. He wants to be the person that she sees in him every so often and he wants to be that guy for her because he loves her. He’s trying so hard, and there will be times where he will not always get it right, but he needs her help to guide him because he is certain that one day in the future he will be that perfect guy for her. She just needs to give him a chance. She does not verbally give him an answer, but walks towards him, indicating a desire to conjoin with him. They passionately kiss.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Toula wants to elope and marry Ian, but he will not let her do that because he knows that her family is important to her and it would be like they were ashamed of their union. She agrees that her family is important to her.
Zone 6 – Affective Equity
Prime –During sex, she asks him why he decided now to give her what she has wanted more than anything referring to a baby. His reply indicates a desire to conjoin with her, and make a baby. She says that she cannot let him do that because they both know that he’s not ready and he will always regret that decision and she could not do that to him because she loves him.
Another example, Prime – Dave sets up a dinner at his work place. He painted a giant replica of her favorite piece of art serving as the backdrop for the center focal point of their candle lit dinner.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Ian tells Toula that he loves her and asks to marry her. She says that she does want to marry him and she loves him too.
Zone 7 – Sensorimotor Unity
Prime – One year after the breakup he forgets his hat and goes back to the restaurant and at that very same restaurant she just so happens to be there too. He leaves and looks in through the snowy window as she catches a glimpse of his face. There is an unspoken remembrance of their relationship which was not always good, but it has taught them what and how to love.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – They get married in the Greek Orthodox Church. He doesn’t really understand what the pastor is saying, but she guides him through the process since he cannot speak Greek yet. They take their first steps together as husband and wife.
Another example, My Big Fat Greek Wedding – In the limo they both reveal to each other that they both had huge zits on their face that morning.
Zone 8 – Cognitive Unity
Prime – In their relationship, Rafi and Dave do not reach cognitive unity.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Ian wants to be baptized in the Greek Orthodox Church so that he can marry Toula the way that she wants to be married.
Zone 9 – Affective Unity
Prime – In their relationship, Rafi and Dave do not reach affective unity.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – They get married and start a life together. In the end they have a daughter and teach her the importance of her Greek heritage together. They are a Greek couple that have conjoined.
Conclusion and Effects of Media on Relationships
The slogan on the DVD for Prime says, “The Year’s Best Romantic Comedy.” If consistent fighting, bickering, lying, and not being honest with one another is a criteria for a romantic relationship, then relationships will not last. If you think about who will watch this movie, the demographic will most likely be teenagers or young adults who are exploring new relationships. So a movie like this will definitely affect their understandings and views on relationships especially their own.
In this movie, Prime, the couple does not see eye to eye on my aspects of their relationship. Rafi wants to have a baby and fears that Dave is too young and not ready for that type of life commitment yet. She also verbally insults him by constantly bringing up his age and calling him a “preschooler” and jokes about calling a “pediatrician” as a doctor for him because he is so young.
Dave also takes her request of “seeing other people” as very literal and sleeps with her co-worker soon after they break up. After he continually says that he loves her so much. If you love someone that much why would you do something that will hurt them and end your relationship indefinitely? Even if they were broken up there still would have been a possibility that they could have made their relationship work if they were both willing to be honest with one another and follow the ennead chart.
A more realistic romantic comedy is My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where both people in the relationship want to conjoin in marriage from the beginning. It is the extended family that has a problem with their union because of the differences between their cultures and ideas of the perfect person for their family member. Ian exemplifies the importance of Toula’s familial obligation and does everything within his power to become part of the large Greek family. This is a movie that should be influencing young budding romances in a more positive manner.
Culture and family played a large role in these movies. In Prime, it was the Jewish faith. In My Big Fat Greek Wedding, it was the Greek Orthodox Church. While Ian was more than willing to conjoin with Toula and change religions, Rafi was not willing to become Jewish.
Rafi wanted Dave to be “that guy” for her, but they both knew that at that specific point in time he was not ready to conjoin with her and give her everything that she needed. Whereas Ian and Toula knew from the very beginning that they were perfect for each other even if their families did not entirely agree. They showed their families that their love and commitment towards one another was everything they needed to gain the acceptance of their union.
Majority of the movies in this day and age predominantly maintain a misrepresentation of relationships. Production companies want movies that will sell at the box office only looking at potential monetary gain, while they fail to consider the effects of these types of movies that deface men and women. Today we have become desensitized as “cheating” or “affairs” has become a regular occurrence among young relationships. Movies and other forms of media are also aiding in this epidemic. We learn by example and this is a prevalent example that continues to appear in popular culture.
Section B:
Findings of a Prior Generation (25)
Methods and Findings of G25– “Effects of Gender
Portrayals on Younger Generations”
By: Katie Ide – (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm)
Katie found articles on the web that emphasizes a correlation between popular media sources like music specifically rap music that continuously portray women as merely sexual objects instead of human beings with feelings. Teenagers are most at risk to these types of demoralization typically found among women because they idolize these figures with the lean, fit bodies, wealth, popularity, perfect skin, sexual prowess, etc.
In the first example of effects on the youngsters today, “The article expects that just by listening to
rap lyrics, teenagers will commit some sort of sexual act 2 years sooner than
those who don’t listen to those type of songs. The article also describes the
teenage brain being in constant construction and that a teen that has more
exposure to sexually explicit songs is obviously going to be at greater
risk.” (http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/08/07/news/teens.php)
In another article
that Katie cited relates to another popular form of the media, more
specifically print media or advertisements.
There are gender differences in print advertisements. Women are portrayed as sexual fiends that
should be subservient to men whereas men employ more of a dominant stance with
their muscles displaying power and their arms crossed representing a sort of
stern dominance.
The gender
differences portrayed by print media influence those impressionable young
readers who view those advertisements with gender portrayals. Boys will behave in dominant acts and treat
women as subservient subjects that have to succumb to their wants and needs as
the dominant male, leading to the conceptualization of that they saw in the
print advertisement. It is this
perspective that also influences the livelihood of women and girls.
The girls develop
the impression that they have to acquire a perfect toned body. The posters of the models posed in sexual
positions pinned on the walls of the rooms of teenage boys gives the girls the
belief that they need to look like models in order to attract a boyfriend. This not only influences the girls in a
negative demeaning way but also gives a direction towards their future
self. In a sense this persona that the
media takes will ultimately influence the masses essentially society.
The third article (http://www.inthesetimes.com/site/main/article/2526/)
discussed was a comparison of men in the 1950s to 15 year olds today. It essentially depicted all of the Anti-Unity
Values (AUVs) that negatively influence the manner in which you treat and view
your partner. Specifically citing
examples of males having a boys night out and degrade or complain about their
mates. Men also purchase expensive
electronic devices that often times provide no link to conjoining with their
wife. These AUVs create sensorimotor and
cognitive disjunction within the Unity Model of Marriage, hindering advancement
for the husband to become conjoined with his wife.
This avoidance and
independence from conjoining with one’s wife or girlfriend impacts views held
by younger generations. They are being
taught to hang out with their same sex friends so that they can avoid having a
deep and meaningful conversation with their prospective mates and partners. They see this time to be used for “checking
out” those who are not their wives or girlfriends. This prospective is portrayed in the media,
which in turn has a lasting effect on the people who view them. It resembles brain washing where images are
repeatedly shown and imbedded into your subconscious.
Some typical behavior could be categorized by AUVs 7-11 which are: 7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things; 8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things;
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners; 10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason); 11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners.
In the last and
final article (http://www.nbc10.com/news/2619696/detail.html),
it shows an epidemic of promiscuity hidden within the secret society of
teenagers. Girls will wear what seems to
be merely a bracelet as an accessory that doubles as criteria for sexual acts
they have done. Different colors
represent different sexual acts. If a
boy wanted a particular sexual act to be conducted on him, then all he has to
do is take the bracelet off of the girl.
Then to redeem it all he needs to do is use it like a coupon.
My Thoughts in Relation to G25’s Findings
I agree with the points that media does influence people’s perception of relationships. Everyone is guilty of it because it is everywhere. Even if you deny it and say that you do not watch television or read tabloid magazines at the checkout counter, the fact is that majority of the population does and they show it by popular fashions, products at the malls, billboards (when you’re driving on the road don’t tell me that you aren’t looking ahead or at your surroundings), cars on the road, music on the radio, food in the stores, etc. each of these factors are beyond our control in our society today. Exposure is inevitable the only thing that we can do is realize these harmful effects and not let it dictate our lives.
I hear that in rehab the first step is to acknowledge you have a problem, that approach could become a universal standard for all types of situations. It is important to be able to acknowledge that popular media does influence the choices you make in everyday life especially those done subconsciously.
I definitely agree with what Katie was saying especially in the second article. Males have an image of these unattainable goddess type models imbedded in their minds of what embodies the perfect woman, while on the other hand females view the models as perfect unattainable body that they strive for day in and day out, without ever getting the same results. As a result, the females have this innate belief that eats away at their self-esteem at the very instance they need it the most.
Furthermore creating a never ending battle amongst the select few of the population and those who idolize them who are merely average, which they have been taught by the mass media is not good enough. A sort of “cradle to the grave” marketing campaign that targets young children and molds their judgment to these marking schemes that will solicit more business in the future.
When you think about beauty as an industry, it generates millions of dollars each year maybe even billions, and for what reason? In my opinion, it is society and its view of being beautiful through the eyes of everyone around you that started influencing you at a young age by the mass media. This could even be the reason for many suicides, murders and eating disorders found among young adults today, the detrimental effects of popular culture. The price society pays for beauty.
In the third article, by using these AUVs in your relationship, it hinders your ability to commit to your relationship and also affects how you view and treat your significant other, which should be with the utmost respect and admiration. Which coincidentally is oppositely employed by the AUVs.
In the last and final article, I found it amazing that high school students could come up with this system without being caught. If you think about it, it is actually really creative. Using a simple and cheap bracelet that is supposed to be used as an accessory can double as an indicator to essentially sell yourself for sexual acts without being viewed as a slut or a whore through gossip, (just) sexual conquests. If only they could channel that creative ingenuity for something that could benefit others rather than hinder and degrade themselves. It is amazing what people will go through just to gain acceptance in high school, people who you may never see again.
I’m sure that some people will look back on those high school days and regret every decision they did not think through as they sit in a hospital waiting room because they contracted an STD. While others my relish the fact that they were the most popular person in high school and believe that the time they spent there as the homecoming queen is everything they could have dreamed of because they fooled around with the entire football team. Naturally she was the most popular girl that wore all the “pretty” bracelets, which doesn’t say much for her self-esteem.
Relevance in Everyday Life
These findings are evident in my everyday life because I am a part of society and the effects of the popular media have affected me as well. I can openly admit that. However, it has become apparent to me in view of the fact that I have been learning about its effects for a few semesters now that the only thing that I can do to stop its influence on me is to elevate my self-esteem and just be happy with myself. I can strive for greatness and as long as I do everything in my power I know that anything is possible. If not, there is always surgery (joke - effects of popular media).
I can look at a magazine and know that in real life those models, actors, actresses, sports figures, artists, etc. do not look like that in real life. They are human just like everybody else on earth and computers are fancy machines that can alter whatever you want. In their case it is retouching their blemishes, making them look flawless, skinny or muscular, basically the ideal person. Realistically I know that the picture that I see is not in its original state, yet for a split second I cannot help but wonder if I could ever become that ideal person in that picture.
Young girls and boys without adequate structure and guidance will become easily influences by the negative effects of the mass media. I was fortunate enough to have a loving and caring family that encourages me to be myself, work hard, think before I act and that is all they can ask for. Many people lack that essential support found in my family, and succumb to the negative effects such as employing the AUVs on those who they claim to “love.” If you did love them, then you would encourage and not degrade them or do anything to potentially hurt them.
Psychological Literature and Research
In the book written by Dr. Joshua Coleman, The Lazy Husband, he states that you are “shaped by the family in which you grew up” (page 98). “The messages from your parents affect how you communicate and what you fell entitled to demand in marriage. Communicating productively is critical when trying to get someone to do something they don’t want to do” (page 98-99).
Traditional marriages operated under the male dominance perspective which was often the family that you grew up in especially if you are of the older generation. Today we have more emphasis on equality in a marriage and its partners. This can be viewed by those who are in relationships where everything is divided equally so that each partner knows exactly what their duty is. This gives growing boys and girls a basis of the views that society has exercised for them to utilize in their future relationships.
“From the 1920s to the 1970s, Americans steadily shifted their child-rearing emphasis from valuing conformity, church loyalty, and obedience to focusing on children’s autonomy, tolerance, and the ability to think for themselves” (page 11). With the shift in differing parenting styles children have been the ones who suffer. These children are left to fend for themselves while the parents are busy at work worrying about themselves. No one is really there to help guide the child and devote time to establishing good self-esteem. So the void is being filled with empty sexual acts that give them the attention they desire.
“My daughter, now a young adult, discusses her life with me in a way that I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing with my parents” (page 12). His Daughter is able to speak to her father in a way that makes them peers at times. It is a way for him to know what her life is like. Good communication is developed. He mentioned that he often goes to her for music advice like what are good songs that is current. While she is educating him on the new songs of the time, he is also listening to the same music as she does and can better monitor the songs that she chooses to listen to. This is something that the teens are lacking in society today.
Article – full text
Morrow,
This psychological literature is taken from the
These effects could damage a child’s impressionable mind at a very young age which will in turn lead to future problems with self-esteem and negative effects depicted through the verbalizations of inadequacy as they have learned throughout their lives from the popular media. Verbalizations like mentioning to another person that their clothes are “ugly,” establishes the negative effects of popular media.
Article – full text
Chapin, John R. Adolescence; Winter2000, Vol. 35 Issue 140, p799, 13p.
This article depicts the effects of gender roles in relation to sexual content found in popular media like popular television shows made for adolescent viewers. From these depictions of behaviors on the shows results in sexual perceptions by its viewers which are predominantly adolescents. Instead of asking their parents for advice on sex, adolescents are more likely to look for answers through the popular media.
Section C:
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions
Unity Section 17a:
Conjunctive and Disjunctive Verbal Interactions
From the lecture notes, Unity 17a states the differences between conjunctive and disjunctive verbal interactions of couples in marriage or in a relationship.
The husband needs to want to listen and be a friend to his wife otherwise she will get the attention she deserves and wants from someone else. Most likely a friend who is the same sex, but more often then not the “best friend” is of the opposite sex. This is viewed as unsexy behavior displayed by the husband. The wife is only fulfilling a need that the husband did not want to satisfy because he was too preoccupied with fulfilling his own desires and his unwillingness to conjoin with his wife.
Men often do not realize that by not giving his undivided attention to his wife he is actually being viewed and evaluated as being unsexy. If his wife views him as less sexy then she will be less inclined to have sexy with him.
Having a sexy conversation does not mean having a conversation with sexual connotations or references, but rather “refers to whether his thoughts are focused on self, the topic or the wife.” By focusing on himself, he is really employing an unsexy conversation style. Especially in the dominance phase of marriage the husband embodies an unsexy conversation style because he does not care about her wants or needs, just as long as he gets what he needs, when he wants it. He doesn’t care if she’s talking to him and he hasn’t taken in a word she said, maintaining a very selfish attitude.
To maintain or establish a sexy conversation style the husband must desire to conjoin with his wife. And in doing so he will want to listen to whatever she has to say and actively engage in conversation with her. He needs to make her feel like he is genuinely interested in what she has to say. He cannot take a dominance stance on the situation and tell her what she should do to fix her problem. He also should not try to rush her when she is talking, however he does need to be actively engaged in the conversation. His wife will view his attentiveness as sexy.
“’Unsexy’ means that her feeling of conjunction and intimacy with her husband has been broken and needs fixing. When a man disagrees with his wife or girlfriend, he is breaking intimacy with her.” It is fundamentally the husband’s duty to fulfill the wants and desires of his wife by simply making her happy. He should want to conjoin with her and reach the unity model of marriage so they can live on throughout eternity together as one. In her mind, God has created a conjugial heaven which the husband can now become a part of as long as he conjoins with his wife.
To reach this plateau, the husband must first diminish all use of unsexy behavior as well as avoiding sexual blackmail in his conversations with her. Unsexy behavior such as: his posture, tone of voice, stance, gestures, attention, focus, not giving her his undivided attention, and not actively engaging in whatever she has to say.
There are four rules of conjugial conversation. First, the husband must be “reactive and friendly whenever his wife is talking to him.” For example, when he was dating her, he was really perceptive and proved to her that he was a good man. This is a characteristic that he must employ honestly at all times. Second, “deny himself the right to express disagreement with her,” which means not saying “no” to her because he does not want to do it.
Third, “create a conversational atmosphere in which his wife feels unoppressed, free, and safe because he shows her that he cherishes everything about her.” He needs to relinquish all power and give it to her so that he can become her best friend and supporter of her wishes. Finally, “use the conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in heart and stimulated in mind.” When the husband focuses his attention on his wife, she in turn sees him as sexy. It is her husband who possesses truth, intelligence and rationality that will enable herself to conjoin with him.
She values his input when he maintains his intelligence and rationality. However he must not impose his thoughts above hers, but find a subtle and respectful way of stating his feelings and opinions. He must show her that he is actively trying hard to master this until it becomes part of his subconscious. Her happiness and hope for the future depends on his desire to change for the conjugial marriage while he acquires and maintains the unity model of marriage.
In My Own Words
In my opinion, the definitions of conjunctive and disjunctive acts are similar to the lecture notes of Unity Section 17a. I agree that the husband is responsible for making his wife happy and by doing so he needs to relinquish all preconceived attitudes that he has acquired throughout his life. He needs to honestly want to create a loving and healthy relationship where they can flourish and live happily ever after.
He cannot tell her that she is the most beautiful being on earth while his attention is being captivated by watching a model on television. That is unsexy and disjunctive, not to mention the furthest conversational behavior from becoming conjoined in a conjugial marriage in the unity model of marriage.
It makes perfect sense for the wife to want to share her feelings with her husband, but if he is not willing to give her the attention she needs, then she will find other facets to vent her frustrations. However, she will talk to those who will listen to her like friends but they cannot give her sexual intimacy. Only a husband or partner in the relationship can give that to her.
Dr. Deborah Tannen author of Gender Discourse –
Conjunctive or Disjunctive
In this book, conjunctive and disjunctive behavior can be seen through the interactive dialogues presenter as snippets are found in Gender Discourse by Dr. Deborah Tannen.
Snippet 1 – (Page 37)
Isadora: “Why do you turn on me? What did I do?”
Silence.
Bennett: “What did I do?”
He looks at her as if her not knowing were another injury.
Bennett: “Look, let’s just go to sleep now. Let’s just forget it.”
Isadora: “Forget what?”
He says nothing.
… (omitted text)
“It wasn’t in the movie, wasn’t it?”
“What, in the movie?”
“…It was the funeral scene. … The little boy looking at his dead mother. Something got you there. That was when you got depressed.”
Silence.
“Well, wasn’t it?”
Silence.
Isadora: “Oh come on, Bennett, you’re making me furious. Please tell me. Please.”
Bennett displays male dominance using silence to get Isadora to submit to him. He is disjunctive by him walking away when she is trying to talk to him. He angers her further by being vague and his inability to communicate effectively with her. This effect can be due to different cultures.
Snippet 2 – (Page 58)
Female: So uh you really can’t bitch when you’ve got all those on the same day (4.2) but uh I asked my physics professor it I couldn’t chan[ge that ]
Male: [Don’t ] touch that
Female: What?
(#)
Male: I’ve got everything jus’how I want it in that notebook (#) you’ll screw it up leafin’ through it like that.
This dialogue presented above is very disjunctive because the male is very dominant and acts as though the female is bothering him. He interrupts her so that she cannot even finish her thoughts and talk to him about it. He rushes her and is not listening to her. He is being very disjunctive. He does not give her eye contact. He only notices what she is touching because it interrupts his routine and orderliness, viewed more as a thing that is annoying him.
Snippet 3 – (Page 97-98)
Todd: What the hell we supposed to talk about? I mean you know what’s bugging me.
Richard: What’s bugging you?
Todd: [snicker] That we don’t talk.
Richard: Who don’t
talk?
…
Todd: We’re doing it again.
Richard: What?
Todd: Not talking.
Richard: I know. Well, go.
Todd: We’re not even making small talk anymore.
[laugh]
Richard: Right, okay. (3.4)
I mean you know.
What can I say? (3.6)
I mean,
If you meant everything you said last weekend,
And I meant everything I said. (1.0)
Todd: Well of course I did.
But I mean I don’t know.
I guess we’re growing up.
I mean- I don’t know.
I guess I live in the past or something.
I really enjoyed those times
When we used to stay up all night long
And just you know
Spend the nights over someone else’s house
Just to talk all night.
Richard: mhm
Todd: They were kinda fun.
Richard: Yeah that was fun.
(2.2)
Todd: But now we’re lucky if we say anything
to each other in the hall.
Richard: Oh, all right! [challenging intonation]
Todd: I’m serious.
I remember walking in the hall
And I’d say “Hi” to you
And you’d say “Hi there”
Or sometimes you’ll push me in the locker,
If I’m lucky.
[laugh]
(1.4)
Richard: We ta:lk. [protesting]
Todd: Not the same way anymore.
(4.8)
Richard: I never knew you wanted to talk.
This is an example of dialogue between two boys. This one is difficult to analyze because Richard acknowledges that the relationship that Todd and he had when they were younger was a time where they had fun. Even if at first he was avoiding and not listening to what Todd was trying to say. However his actions seem to be more in line with disjunctive behavior because he is first not listening or paying any attention to what Todd is trying to say. In the end he loosens up and bit, but that is not sufficient enough interaction to be classified as conjunctive behavior.
There are gender differences found between men and women when engaged in conversation. Women are more likely to display closer physical proximity with one another, whereas men are less aligned with their posture towards one another. Gender differences are important to understand that when engaged in conversation between a man and a woman, even though the man does not physically engage in the conversation exactly like the woman that does not mean that he is not listening or engaging in the conversation.
Section D:
Conclusion and Advice to Future Generations
Three Models of Marriage – What I’ve learned
I have learned that there are three Models of Marriage. Each marriage or relationship can be categorized within the zones ranging from 1-9 seen in the ennead chart. The first begins at the dominance phase (zones 1-3) at the bottom of the chart working its way up a level to the equity phase (zones 4-6), and finally at the pinnacle of all successful marriage relationships is the unity phase (zones 7-9) where you will conjoin with one another for endless eternity as one.
The dominance phase (Level 1) represents the traditional marriage where the man signifies autonomy over his wife in both physical and emotional aspects of her life. When referring to the dominance phase of marriage it is automatically assumed that it is male dominance that engulfs the marriage relationship. It is in this phase where the man only thinks of himself, his wants and needs that come before hers.
The equity phase (Level 2) represents a marriage where everything is divided and shared equally based on the premise of equality which is seen more often in current relationships today especially in American society. This phase also represents the marriage in a physical sense, which can be exemplified by the saying, “till death do us part.” You are only joined together in the physical world on earth. However, in the final and next phase the couple can live on together after death.
The unity phase (Level 3) extends into an “endless eternity” because the couple has established a spiritual and mental connection where they will live in marriage and eternal love throughout time. This level can only be acquired if the couple have successfully gone through the first two stages and have conjoined from two separate people into one entity. It also requires that the husband should be so conjoined with his wife that he knows exactly her wants, needs and desires, he can also provide them for her.
Within the ennead chart, that corresponds with the Three Levels of Marriage is the Three Fold Self, which consists of: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves. Within each level the couple, mostly the husband or boyfriend must past through each of the three fold self which will lead them through the levels and ultimately reaching their goal of conjoining in the unity phase of marriage.
Sensorimotor can be explained by all things that are just physical like sensations and responses. Cognitive actions have to do with thoughts and reasoning. Finally, the affective has to do with feelings and intentions. All of the three fold self corresponds with each of the three levels of marriage found in the ennead chart.
Another concept for this model of marriage is obtaining mental intimacy before physical intimacy. If you do not acquire mental intimacy, then sex with your wife could become sexual blackmail. The term sexual blackmail refers to something slightly different than we initially think as it is portrayed in the media, for instance, according to the lecture notes from Dr. James, the term states that if the woman gives into the sexual pressure imposed by her husband without the basis of acquiring mental intimacy, then it is viewed as sexual blackmail.
The information presented within this course has been beneficial, in a sense that you could use the Three Models of Marriage and apply it to personal situations. Even though in this case it is specifically for marriages, if you just treat others in the same fashion with respect and care, then you will become a better person, which in turn will result in a clearer understanding and relationship with those around you. So if you are not currently in a relationship the information will help you identify, rectify, understand, and change your perceptions for the better.
It has been beneficial for me because I can better understand my actions towards others and create better relationships for a more harmonious existence without animosity or degradation. Personally, I have a really hard time accepting new concepts and beliefs. I have been told that I am, “the most resistant person” referring to my inability to listen - let alone accept anything new that I am not interested in. However, from what I have learned in the course has allowed me to expand my horizons and retain a positive bias. A positive bias is having an open mind and exploring all the facets to a particular theory, model, or situation before you discount its validity.
Majority of people today operate on a negative bias as I did in the beginning, however there are things that seem like they will never interest you, but really you have not given it a chance so, you would not know whether to reject or accept it. Mainly for this course, it is required that you “adopt” the positive bias in order for you to adequately complete your assignments and grasp the concepts.
An aspect of the course which may cause some confusion would be the distinction you need to make between the different zones of the ennead chart. There are so many different sub-stages for each zone that its complexity ultimately leads to your confusion when you need to relate your situations in these particular zones. A way to possibly rectify this confusing dilemma would be to have either a skit or visual aid such as a clip from a movie or television show that would give you a more realistic or visual example in applying these concepts in the zones.
This would definitely help me since I am a more visual person. It would have also been helpful because it would have been good preparation for relating the concepts from class to the two movies in Section A.
Another part that I had difficulty in was at the beginning when the concepts were being introduced from the “father” of this marriage theology and the basis for Dr. James’s lecture notes is Emanuel Swedenborg. This 18th Century philosopher stated that he could exist in two different worlds, the physical here on earth and the spiritual world of heaven and hell. He based his revelations on religion and the belief of God.
Advice to Future Generations
If you are a procrastinator like myself, then you should really start early even if it is just completing little things at a time because when the deadline approaches all you need to do is combine your notes. Even doing little by little you will need to put in a lot more time to complete the report. For me, fifteen pages to write a report far exceeds any paper that I have written before. However, Dr. James gives detailed instructions and is available for questions.
I suggest that if you do not understand a certain concept you immediately seek help before it’s too late. If you do not fully understand a concept it will be difficult for you to complete a report similar to this one. Even if you do have a good grasp of the information, then you may still have trouble.
The course material is somewhat confusing in the beginning because it is new in many aspects. The three fold self and the three models of marriage seen through the ennead chart makes the information within those cells or zones even more complex. Each action a person in a relationship makes can be categorized and analyzed. This is what this particular report represented, the course materials in relation to findings of past generations, our own interpretations, and how we as a society perceive relationships to be.
Whether you would like to believe that the media or popular entertainment does not affect your perceptions of how a relationship should be, the fact is, that it does. This can be seen through Section A of this report. If you tried to think of a movie that actively portrayed a relationship without faults or errors in judgment, not very many would be inclined to watch it.
The love stories today start off with betrayal and end in love, but what about maintaining that love throughout eternity? The information presented in this course can help in maintaining the marriage relationship where you start off in the traditional marriage of male dominance and work your way up to Unity. It will also enable you to argue less with your partner because you will know what their motives are without having to say anything. Basically, your overall communication with one another will improve dramatically.
Lastly, this course requires a lot of attention and open-mindedness not to mention complex charts which need to be analyzed and contrasted with other materials. If you are up to the task, then this course should be no problem for you. For future generations, when your time comes for you to write a report similar to this one, I hope that you will find the material as enlightening as I have. It is a lot of work, but the information will help you grow as a person.
Section E: Links
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kawasugi/kawasugi-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm