Report 2:
The Unity Model of
Marriage:
Advice for Relationships
By: Jenna Kawasugi
The instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 6, 14, 7, 8 and 2
Introduction: What is Report 2?
The purpose of this Report 2 is to provide and appreciate as
well as promote the Unity Model of Marriage in relationships. It is essential for the couple to realize the
disjunctive and conjunctive conversation styles which they employ daily since
language is the livelihoods of all successful marriages through conversation. This perspective is mostly taken from the
level of unity in a conjoined marriage. However,
it also covers previous levels of marriage that are required to pass in order
to reach the ultimate goal of total unity in a marriage relationship.
This report also covers the effects of the popular media
through lyrical analysis of popular songs in society and its effects on our
perceptions of others, including its impression on our subconscious mental
frameworks possibly resulting in disjunctive future relationships.
The Question I am answering is Question 6
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love
of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as
explained there.
(b) Go to Dr. Phil’s Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378
and look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his
advice on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their
husbands. As for example here:
http://www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now
analyze Dr. Phil's approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).
(c) State your conclusions and recommendations.
(a) Summary of Unity 5.1
In the lecture notes by Dr. Leon James, Love of the Sex
refers to loving physical intimacy. This
refers to more casual relationships where people just love to have sex with
multiple partners never creating an emotional connection with someone. These types of relationships are more
commonly thought of as animalistic mating practices. On the other hand, the Love of One of the Sex
refers to loving a person uniting in mental intimacy which is a prerequisite
for physical intimacy or the sexual act and it is only then that the couple
will have a lasting marriage that will transcend into the unity model of
marriage if that is the couple’s ultimate goal.
If you just love to have sex, then you will never have
lasting relationships because it will be based on a physical connection that
can only take you so far. You will have
sex with multiple partners resembling those in the animal kingdom. You will never establish a stronger
connection like mental intimacy.
Emmanuel Swedenborg was able to exist in two worlds at the
same time, the afterlife and the physical life on earth. He promoted those couples who found their
soul mates on earth to be conjoined in the afterlife in Heaven. The afterlife was so much more beautiful with
happy couples existing together for eternity growing in love as each day
passes. They are able to exist amongst
the angels of the Heavens who serve God as they do.
Dr. James takes these findings of Swedenborg and
incorporates them with his own notes creating the Unity Model of Marriage,
which will be the basis for analyzing all interactions between couples to
assess their particular circumstances in relation to the Unity Model of
Marriage.
(b) Analysis of Dr. Phil’s Advice
These women have husbands who are unmotivated and unwilling
to be intimate with their wives both mentally and physically, claiming to be
too tired to feeling sorry for themselves.
The women on the other hand are trying to create a harmonious
relationship with their husbands’, but feel rejected and “starved”. They are not getting the emotional and
physical intimacy they desire and some have tried to find that outside of their
marriage.
Dr. Phil refers to a statement made by a woman who had been
married for 50 years, where she said, “… we were never both out of love at the
same time” and that is his advice for maintaining a long and loving
marriage. He also states, “The good news
is, in a relationship it doesn't take both people working on it at the same
time in order to start making changes.”
That must be the reason why he’s only giving advice to the wives
(sarcastic remark). Although he does
speak to one husband who is using his wife’s affair as something he cannot get
over.
The husband states that he wants to be the husband that his
wife wants him to be, but he just cannot get over the affair when he was
deployed in
(c) My Conclusions and Recommendations
Once this couple establishes mental intimacy, they can then
begin to make positive changes in their relationship. I feel that Dr. Phil gives the couple the
direction on what to say and what to do on a sensorimotor (external) level
rather than getting to the root of the issue.
Really, I find it hard to believe that in order to help a
struggling marriage both the husband and the wife need to be out of love at
different times throughout their marriage.
That does not make any sense to me.
So for these wives, they are the ones who are in love with their
husband’s at this point in time, however, they seem really unhappy in their
marriage. So how can they continue on
like that? This does not at all relate to
the unity model of marriage, but is more of a dominance phase in the
marriage. This is very disjunctive.
Both the husband and the wife need to want to save the
marriage and be in love with one another.
If it is just one sided, of course, the marriage will fail because the
other does not care enough to make changes and sacrifices. Blaming someone else or something else like
an affair is not going to helpful in trying to reconcile your marriage.
According to Dr. Phil it is arguably usually the wife who
needs to make the changes in the marriage.
This is taken from the dominance perspective. The advice he gives for these women are
geared more towards accepting and promoting their self-esteem. He is also telling the husband how to respond
to his wife’s needs and desires (dominance perspective) because he’s trying to
solve the problem instead of giving helpful ideas or letting the couple
communicate.
The Question I am answering is Question 14
(a) Explore the song analysis technique used by students in
the 1982 generation: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?
(b) Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 students
in 2006:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/
See their Report 1, section (e).
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?
(c) Read the article titled "Why Britney Spears
Matters" at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to
the unity model and the three phases.
(d) What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for
you, your sisters, young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with
the situation?
(a) 1982 Song Analysis Techniques
In 1982 students had to analyze lyrics from a song line by
line, descriptively interpreting the each line below the lyrics. However this is done from their perspective
according to their course materials. The
songs chosen for many of these groups to analyze I have never heard of since
this is before I was born. However
through their analysis techniques it is easy to follow the direction of the
lyrics.
This is one song I have heard of, “The Greatest Love of All”
analyzed by Authea Au & Lynelle Akana, (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/16.html). This song promotes the self and finding the
strength to persevere through life’s trials and tribulations. Whatever happens in your life, whatever it
may be, you should look to your inner self to guide you. While growing up children are taught to love
themselves and that is the greatest love of all. This is what the song lyrics and analysis
depicts. The analysis is clear and
concise according to cognitive labels.
For this particular song I think it has a lot of Unity
Values (UVs) that promote a positive outlook on life. The analysis of the lyrics do not attempt to
go further in relation to the positive or negative effects of the song. I think their analysis was simplistic and
short compared to the extensive analysis in comparison with G24’s analysis of
lyrics (sub-section b, below).
(b) G24 Song Analysis Techniques
The songs chosen for this generation are much more
provocative and create a negative aspect to relationships. The songs acknowledge adultery and promote
telling your partner only after they have caught you. The songs are discussed and generalized
according to the AUVs.
I can easily identify with G24’s analysis because there are
AUVs to reference that correspond with some of the lyrics of the song. There is also an analysis of the song
relating it to the AUVs. Another reason
why my reactions to the AUVs are easier for me to relate to is due to the songs
of the times referring to my generation as popular music.
(c) Article discussion in relation to the unity model.
The article on Britney Spears compares her to the Shirelles,
a girl group of the 1960s. It notes the
differences both positive and negative.
The demographic of the fan base of the time is a major point of concern
where these pre-teens are looking for something they can identify with. It is difficult to make comparisons between
different eras for the reason that society’s standards have changed along with
the music industry. Nonetheless, it can
be noted that young girls are embracing this shift in sexual identity without
even comprehending their actions.
The Shirelles, in the 1960s had subtle sexual undertones to
identify with the era where society was more conservative. Whereas Britney Spears blatantly dresses in
sexual attire promoting her sexual promiscuity.
In this day and age, this has become the norm for society, and is
accepted. That same performance would
not have been tolerated 40 years ago. It
just goes to show how desensitized we as an industrial nation has lead to
this. The effects on this generation of
adolescents have yet to be determined.
Only time will tell.
It is not only Britney Spears that influences these young
adoring fans, but many other popular artists like Christina Aguilera, Jessica
Simpson, Mandy Moore, etc. are all pop icons that send messages to their
fans. Sex often becomes condensed in
their lyrics as well as dressing provocatively and with sensual connotations
unknowing youngsters imitate. This
creates positive and negative effects on youngsters.
The positive and negative effects include knowledge of
sexual expression, someone to identify with, providing an outlet that does not
require much commitment, etc. depending on what perspective you take on the
situation. These effects could be due to
the demand of these artists by these pre-teens.
The success of these artists, are primarily due to these adolescent
fans. They like it and crave more.
These children are not capable of mentally disregarding the
negative effects of these popular artists.
Yet they are able to sing along with the lyrics and perform all the
dance moves (sensorimotor) for the particular song without fully comprehending
what they are actually doing (no cognitive and affective thought). In that same sense, they are just mimicking
what they see and do not understand what the lyrics are implying. The beat and lyrics of the song are
catchy. These youngsters don’t know why
they like singing along to these popular songs.
They are too young to even know the definitions of some of the words
used in the songs, yet they repeat them.
In the future, these girls will think that dressing sexy is
the only way to dress because they grew up doing it and it is the popular
fashion at the time. That is all they
know. Their perception of these artists
will play a large role in their development into adults and the development of
the image of themselves. Based on how
they grew up and social influences will determine their future selves. If they grow up thinking that they will
always have to sell themselves and value themselves by what other people think,
then they will not create lasting relationships because they will lack the self
confidence and self-esteem.
Therefore, they will not be able to establish mental
intimacy before physical intimacy. This
will become a major downfall for today’s misguided youth. They will always be promoting themselves
towards physical intimacy first rather than sharing and creating mental
intimacy in their relationships.
Consequently, they will not be able to create positive relationships
with others that strive for the unity model of marriage.
(d) Social Implications & Dealing with the Situation
I think the social implications have created a generation
where dressing and acting “sexy” is the normal perception of a young girl. These youngsters mimic and emulate these
popular stars by the way they dress, act, and view themselves. They believe that in order to be sexy you
must be paper thin with big boobs so that the opposite sex will desire you. To me this is sad but true.
If I saw my younger cousins dressing and acting like that I
would not allow that type of behavior.
Adolescence is a time where youngsters are impressionable and need
appropriate guidance. I think it is up
to the parents to take an active roll in their child’s life. Parents should watch what their children
watch and listen to the songs. The songs
on the radio also send negative messages to these children. I think as children grow up, we forget how
old they really are because they are acting more mature, yet developmentally
they are not equipped to handle the mental schemes needed to differentiate
between what is and is not appropriate behavior for their age.
This is where parents need take an active role in child
rearing. They need to be the one to set
boundaries that guide their children in the right direction, providing them
with morals and values which will influence their judgments. This is what I think will make a difference
in the social perceptions and implications of popular media and artists. The adolescents will be able to acknowledge
its promiscuous behaviors and decide whether or not it will influence their
behavior for themselves.
The Question I am answering is Question 7
(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife
reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you
discuss the three phases in relation to conversational style (dominant style,
equity style, and unity style).
(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several
elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of
married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are
needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use
borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you
need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)
(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers what its
elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.
(a) Unity 17a Summary
Disjunctive conversations are behaviors by husband that are
hurtful to the relationship such as negations, denial, and refusal to accept
another perspective outside their own. He imposes and argues his views above his
wife’s, talks to others about his wife without speaking to her first, tells her
lies to control her, raises his voice and calls her degrading names, swears at
her, and just apologizes and expects his behavior to be forgiven. These behaviors are what make the husband unsexy to his wife.
In conjunctive conversations the husband agrees with wife no
matter what because he knows that she is right, talks to his wife before
sharing anything with anyone else and speaks as though she were in the room
after he talks to her when he is talking to others he never shares what she
considers personal (between the two of them), he never swears at her or calls
her degrading names or raises his voice to her, and makes up with her in a way
that she considers adequate. These acts
are considered sexy to a wife because the husband is treating her with respect.
Dominant conversational style follows the dominance
phase or level of marriage. At this
phase it is the husband who maintains the dominant role in the
relationship. Here he is unwilling to
even acknowledge that you have an opinion.
He is only concerned about himself and believes that his thoughts and
needs take precedence over yours as a wife.
Conversations are considered disjunctive and unsexy
to wives because they do not promote unity.
He loves to dominate and control wife by thinking women are less
intelligent by interrupting her and calling her degrading names.
If you attempt to share your opinion he will speak over you,
yell and swear calling you derogatory names that put you down, tell you that
your opinion does not matter, he will not listen to what you are saying
(ignoring you), he will insist that his view of the situation is right,
etc. All these behavioral acts are part
of the dominance phase of marriage.
Body language and posture are also part of a conversational
style. His body language for example, he
will be facing the television instead of looking at you, he will give you a
gesture with his hand to be quiet, etc.
These behavioral acts are all disjunctive to a marriage.
Equity conversational style is one tier above the
dominance phase so husbands in transition to this phase will at times revert
back when in anger, but will later realize his behavior. That is something that husbands in the dominance
phase would never consider. In this
phase of marriage the main underlying standard is equality. Conversations in this stage are equally
disjunctive and unsexy as they are conjunctive and
sexy.
In this phase, the husband wants independence at times and
thinks that her views are not as relevant as his own by lying to her and talks
like he is defending his views or rights and calls her degrading names when he
is mad (reverting back to the dominance phase), he listens to her because he
feels he has to otherwise she will keep nagging him to do something.
In a conversation a husband will argue with his wife and
allow his wife to speak and voice her opinions.
He may not want to hear her opinions, but he will because if he does
not, then he will never hear the end of it and to avoid that he will listen to
her. Here in this stage, his body
language is facing her. Take the
television example, instead of giving her a hand gesture to quiet her, he will
instead lower the volume and turn to her, perhaps keeping one eye on the
game. If they were arguing about
something, he will insist that he is right, then later realize that he is wrong
and will admit to it and side with his wife because she was right, as usual.
The husband will not speak about his wife to others without
speaking to his wife and sharing only what she wants him to share. He will speak about his wife as if she were
there in the room and could hear everything he is saying about her. This is so that nothing she feels is personal
that should be kept private and becomes public knowledge.
In this level of marriage the conversation style is shared
and tolerated. The amount and level of
disjunctive acts are equivalent to those of conjunctive acts. He may raise his voice at her and later
acknowledge that it was disjunctive and make it up to her in a way that she
feels is sufficient.
Unity conversational style the husband knows that his
wife knows all because she is guided by God.
Therefore, in order for them to reach affective unity in their relationship
he must first put his faith in her hands.
He is her best friend that always encourages her and actively engages in
conversation appearing to be animated when they are engaging in mental
intimacy. The husband will acknowledge
his wife’s presence in a room every time she enters whether it is a verbal
welcome or body gesture. He will speak
to her in a loving and caring tone never defying or raising his voice at her
because he respects her. He puts her
thoughts and needs above his own. He
will speak to others only after he speaks to his wife.
They have no secrets between one another with one
exception. The only secrets in the
relationship are held by the wife but this is due to her divine knowledge in a
spiritual sense. Eventually she will share
these secrets with her husband when she feels he is ready and able to handle
them when they are conjoined in unity.
If she shares them too early, the husband may become afraid of
conjunction and revert back into the equity model away from being conjoined
with his wife in an endless eternity.
Husbands are not allowed to retain any secrets because those secrets are
of lies and deceptions of a physical nature.
In this stage of the unity model of marriage the husband
will always adhere to these conjunctive behavioral acts with his wife because
he wants to spend eternity with her. He
makes her happy, and if she is happy then that makes him happy giving him the
energy to continue to make her happy. He
is considered sexy in her eyes.
Referring back to the examples in the previous levels of
conversation according to the unity model of marriage, here the husband will
turn off the television whenever his wife wants to have a conversation with him
even if it is the last moments of the greatest gave he has ever seen. He will give her his full attention because
he knows that this is beneficial for their conjugial
love in the afterlife. Besides, she is
the most important being to him furthermore, this
conversation will only enhance their relationship.
(b) A Conversation between Husband and Wife
(H=Husband, W=Wife, N=Notes)
Line
1 – H= Babe, I bought tickets to your favorite musical.
2 – W= You hate going to those plays; you said they are fake and
you would rather watch a foreign film.
3 – H= That was the old me.
4 – W= You just told me that last
week.
5 – H= Oh yeah, I forgot.
Well, this is the new me, the caring and thoughtful husband.
6 – W= Okay, what did you do?
7 – H=
Nothing! Can’t a husband do something
romantic for his wife without her jumping to conclusions?! I just thought you had a hard couple of days
and I thought this might cheer you up. (Pause)
I’m sorry I raised my voice.
(Sweet tone) Will you do me the
honor of accompanying me to the Lion King?
This night comes complete with dinner and desert.
8 – W= Wow, I’m
speechless! It’s been a little while
since we went out on a date. Of course
I’ll join you! I’m so excited! Where are we going to dinner?
9 – H = Guess!
10 – W= Umm…either you’re going to cook for me!
11 – H= Actually,
I was thinking we’d go to McDonalds. But
if you’d rather I cook for you, I can make my famous grilled steaks.
12 – W= Ooh,
honey, I love McDonalds! I was torn
between my two favorites. Maybe you can
make desert at home? That way I can have
both.
13 – H= So, Roasted
marshmallows, it is! We can sit near the
fire and talk all night like we used to.
14 – W= You know me so well!
15 – H= I know, and I love you!
16 – W= I love you, too!
(c) Analyzing the Conversation
The husband and wife are in an equity marriage. In line 7, the husband snaps at his wife,
which is reverting back to the dominance phase of marriage. However recovers from his outburst
apologizing and trying to reconcile with being sweet and asking her out on a
date. The wife in line 8, shows her happiness over his surprise date and romantic
gesture. In lines 10-14, the husband
shows that he knows his wife so well that he can anticipate her reactions. This touches more of the unity phase of
marriage because he knows what she wants and tries to make her happy. He has a mental representation of his wife in
his head as if she were telling him exactly what she wanted (lines 13-14).
This shows the couple is not fully embracing or practicing
the unity model of marriage, but they are on their way to it. They need to stop reverting back to the
dominance phase when the husband gets angry.
The wife should also not jump to conclusions, but she will do this by
her husband’s continual desire to make her happy. Their mutual love for one another will create
a lasting bond in the marriage. He is
actively engaging in a need to establish mental intimacy. He does not bring up physical intimacy or
expect it. He just wanted to make his
wife happy. Therefore, he is happy.
The Question I am answering is Question 8
(a) In your own words, describe the unity model of marriage
and the mental states of the couple's threefold self.
(b) Describe any difficulty or resistance you have
experienced regarding the unity model, including
(i) the
idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg's observations of marriages in
heaven.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell them
about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the
Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the unity model influenced your thinking? What
benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the unity model in
this course? Do you have suggestions on how to teach the unity model to
couples, and at what age?
(a) In My Own Words – The Unity Model of Marriage
This perspective was first discovered and shared with the
world by Emmanuel Swedenborg. His
theistic approach to marriage caught the attention of Dr. Leon James. Dr. James now shares his combined knowledge
with his students in an attempt to create relationships that are healthy and
happy. His teachings are simple, yet
hard to maintain, but with practice, determination and an endless love married
couples are able to attain this ideal marriage.
The Unity Model of Marriage is a stage where you treat your
significant other with the utmost respect.
The husband regards the wife as a divine spirit that has been given the
ability to follow God’s wishes that they become a conjoined self through the
threefold self in the unity model of marriage and maintain their conjugial love into the afterlife for an endless eternity.
They reach this pinnacle in their marriage by journeying
through the previous stages of the dominance and equity phases in
correspondence with the threefold self.
The threefold self consists of the sensorimotor zone of external and
physical acts, the cognitive which is thinking, and the affective wherein lies
your emotional motivations that influence your thinking (cognitive) resulting
in a physical response (sensorimotor).
The couple follows the threefold self throughout the different levels of
the unity model of marriage until reaching their desired goal of the unity
model of marriage.
In the Unity model the husband devotes himself to his
wife. She wants to conjoin with him so
their love will transcend into the afterlife, and he is more than willing to
create that conjugial love in the spiritual
world.
(b) My Thoughts on the Unity Model of Marriage
The difficulty I have with the unity model lies within the
acceptance of the souls living on in the afterlife established by a mental
intimacy when they were alive as a physical human being on earth. Rationally that concept escapes me. I cannot accept that notion, on the other
hand I can and I do believe in the afterlife.
The difference for me is the belief that God created the afterlife of
heaven not just for celestial couples, but for everyone with a good heart. Therefore, the afterlife of Heaven should be
available to everyone not just married couples even though this is called the
unity model of marriage.
Also, I am highly doubtful of Swedenborg’s
reports of the afterlife and the couples he has interviewed while in the
afterlife. I cannot grasp this
perspective with rational thought. It
reminds me of astral-projection or near death experiences. His ideals in combination with Dr. James’,
result in simple rules that everyone should adhere to. Even though the rules of interaction are
simple, actually employing these methods are difficult when everything around
us in our society has taught us to focus our attentions on negative aspects of
relationships.
(c) Reactions of Friends
When I talk to friends about the unity model of marriage and
the idea of marriages in heaven according to the Swedenborg reports their
reactions are essentially positive and accepting. Majority of my friends are affiliated with
religious factions so they are open and more willing to learn about the
afterlife.
Their main concerns are typically the AUVs and the
disjunctive behaviors by their boyfriends.
They can find many disjunctive acts within their own relationships that
they want to fix. The unity model gives
them direction and something to strive for in the future since their boyfriends
will probably be the one’s who will become their husbands. So they can definitely benefit from this
newly introduced perspective on marriage and relationships.
(d) Unity for Me
As far as the unity model’s influence on my own thinking, it
has definitely become a useful asset to my relationships and has made me aware
of the different perspectives that men and women have towards one another. I think the values taught within the unity
model of marriage should be taught to children, perhaps without the religious
connotations, but the overall message of respect and conjunctive behaviors
would be beneficial to our society.
With all the negative effects influencing the younger
generation it would be nice to know, in the future, when I am old and gray,
society has managed to bypass the lucky few enabling them to acquire solidarity
and respect amongst the adverse of trials and tribulations of the times. Higher cognitive functioning would be an added
bonus.
I think for this particular course, class members should
keep an open mind or a positive bias because you will definitely need it. Without maintaining a positive bias or just
accepting portions of the material will hinder your ability to adequately
complete your assignments. Even if you
do maintain a positive bias the material requires a lot of abstract and
critical thinking when relating it to the real world or the afterlife for that
matter.
The unity model of marriage should become a mandatory course
before marriage is even granted. Perhaps
if completion of this course were a prerequisite for marriage, then could
possible be less divorce and disassociation within a marriage. The basic underlying message is simple enough
to understand, just show honest respect and learn to verbalize your feelings,
in addition to actively listening to your partner, and refraining from
committing disjunctive acts.
Not only should this perspective of marriage relationships
be implemented upon the population in a relationship, but young children as I
have previously stated. If we were to
start at a really young age, then society would have to adhere to the masses,
which would be the next generation of respectful youngsters. If we continue on our current trend of
destruction, we as a human race will crumble to the brink of chaos and
self-inflicted extinction.
The Question I am answering is Question 2
A husband and wife seem to get along real well together,
enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then
they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred
for each other.
(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. You must use some aspect of the theory
given in the Lecture Notes.
(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop
cycle so that it occurs less and less frequently in their interactions. In your
explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self,
and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
(c) The unity model says that men are initially resistant to
mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data
to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview some women and some
men of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of
10 items that highlight what the women and men have said about their
experiences regarding intimacy in couples.
(d) Discuss the list and the compare the views of the men and the women.
(a) Why a turnabout?
The turnabout in this couple’s relationship is the result of
only remaining in the sensorimotor zones of the threefold self in the dominance
and equity phases of marriage. This
exchange happens mostly in the dominance phase of marriage because in this
level of commitment the man merely thinks of himself and does not actively want
to conjoin with his wife. You can see
this disjunctive behavior in that little snippet because in the equity phase
the husband would admit and adhere to his wife’s perspective rather than his
own, thus eliminating and defusing their fight.
Showing disrespect and hatred for one another is a common
occurrence in the dominance phase of marriage.
This is evident by the joy that is elicited through sensorimotor activities
and when they have a fight everything is negative. Also they quickly turn to disrespectful
behavior assuming yelling, swearing and degrading the other person. Mental intimacy has yet to be established in
this particular relationship, and as a result the fights between this couple will have the same outcome escalating each time.
Although you have a great physical attraction to your
partner the relationship will not last if mental intimacy is not
established. Without it, your
relationship is destined for failure.
(b) Advice to Reversing the Flip-Flop Cycle
Married couples can reverse this flip-flop cycle by slowly
making subtle changes in their communication so that it will promote more
positive interactions and lead towards mental intimacy. A goal for the couple would be to eventually
reach the unity model of marriage where the couple conjoins from two separate
beings into one unit creating a lasting marriage that will last for eternity in
the afterlife.
To reach this desired goal the couple will go through the
different zones of the ennead chart of the threefold self (sensorimotor,
cognitive, affective).
The sensorimotor stage acts are purely physical. Cognitive stage has to do with thinking. The affective stage is the motivations of
one’s emotions. Through these stages
within the levels of the unity model of marriage beginning at the bottom with
the dominance, equity, and unity phases of marriage encompass the ennead
chart.
By making progress through each completed zone the couple
creates a stronger bond which results in a conjoined self. As I have stated before a conjoint self is
the result of a couple that now operates as a cohesive unit. They work together, they strive for
happiness, respects and encourages the other, the husband puts the needs of his
wife before his own, etc.
(c) Couple’s Intimacy Checklist
The list below is not in any particular order.
(d) Checklist Discussion and Comparison
According to the list provided above, the results were the same, however the reasons and thoughts behind them
differed. Women want to be romanced and
feel like she is the center of his world.
The men know that the women want this, but whenever they attempt to be
romantic they are rejected. They feel
like whatever they do, at times it is never good
enough. Each act needs to be more
romantic then the last, which makes their life difficult always trying to
create extravagant nights when their attempts may be snubbed.
This also creates a monetary aspect that does not
essentially promote a romantic night but a huge debt. As the man tries to pay for his romantic
gestures he is accused of not spending enough time with his lady. On the other hand, the woman also works and
doesn’t think the man needs to spend large amounts of money on her to have a
romantic night out. But she still
secretly wants jewelry occasionally.
They both want to be respected and sometimes they loose
sight of that and get lost in their daily lives. One thing for sure is that they love each
other. Sometimes they want to share
their feelings with one another, but they just can’t find the right words, and
it comes out wrong. This is something
the couple needs to work on. Also, each
needs to be more assertive instead of just going along with whatever is
easier. They can do this by showing
affection and doing little things like holding hands while walking or hugging or
expressing their emotions more physically by having sex.
Majority of these views of men and women are the result of
misunderstandings due to miscommunication.
Both do not maintain a level of mutual respect and appreciation for one
another, getting caught up in their separate lives as they go to work. They both view things as implicit knowledge
when really the other has no idea what the other wants. This is where things get hectic within their
relationship. The only way to resolve
this is for them to listen to the other and not interrupt. If they need to, they should tape record
their conversation so they can listen to themselves and explain what they
really meant. Establish good
communication.
My Report on the Current Generation (G26)
(a) Select 2 or 3 students from this generation and
summarize what they did for their Report 1.
(a) G26 Report 1 Summary
Jamie Gomes – (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gomes/gomes-409b-g26-report1.htm)
In her report, she noted that the media’s effect on society
is reflecting in today’s youth and media depictions of relationships. She chose to compare a disjunctive movie Prime
that stays in the dominance and equity phases of marriage to a more conjunctive
movie like 50 First Dates which progresses throughout the stages of the
unity model of marriage.
She noted that because of the media people young, old, and
everywhere in-between have this notion that there is an unattainable love, the
unity model of marriage in a relationship.
Those types of marriages only exist in the movies. She also states that equality is a desired
stage in a marriage because it agrees with the time, where society expresses
equality amongst the sexes.
Another interesting statement was divorce. Divorce is a common trend in society today. Many of these divorcees are from Anti-Unity
Values, also due to the dominance phase in a marriage which contains a lot of
disjunctive behaviors. Communication in
a relationship that is disjunctive will result in a couple that always fights
because they can never understand one another effectively to adequately make up
and think in a cohesive manner.
Nicole May – (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-409b-g26-report1.htm)
She brings up really good points that strengthen the
argument that Jamie has taken on the influences of the media on the younger
generation. An interesting point that I
had forgotten about long ago was about the Disney animated movies contained
subliminal sexual content imbedded in the film.
I remember watching these classic movies as a child like the Lion King
and out of curiosity I tried to look for these hidden animations, but I could
never find them.
Another instance was a night where my brother’s friend came
over and said that he knew exactly where in the Disney movie, Aladdin
contained the sexual message. I forgot
what it said, but I remember that you had to turn the volume all the way up and
it lasted less than a few seconds. I was
surprised because if he had not pointed it out, I never would have known. In relation to Nicole’s article she mentioned
about Disney movies negatively influencing children only proves the fact that
popular media does have an effect on the younger generation.
My brother’s friend is four years younger than I am and this
was before they were in high school so he was aware of this when he was in
middle school where relationships are starting to arise. I do not know what he is doing now, but if he
has continued on their damaging trend, the outcome of his future relationships
look bleak, which is a shame because he was such a fun and good hearted
kid. What do you expect when your
elderly grandparents are raising you and your other two siblings?
Both reports state the same findings which are; media’s
effect on the younger generation with its negative connotations found in lyrics
to a song, on the television, movies, etc., degrading AUVs that hinder
relationships from progressing to the next stages of the unity model of
marriage, and advice to future
generations not to procrastinate, etc.
Advice to Future Generations
My advice to future generations regarding this report would be to start as soon
as the questions are posted or just gather all your information and think about
it. Start slowly like writing your name
and setting up the format of your report.
It is really important for you to read and follow all of Dr. James’s
directions. The smallest infraction will
cost you points that you probably cannot afford to loose. Be sure to check all your links.
Make sure that you have enough time to keep up with the
readings and keep up with the class syllabus.
The due dates for everything in this class come very quickly. They also require a lot of work and
understanding. After the Report 1 was
due, I thought I would have enough time to breathe and catch up on my outlines but
that was not the case. I would not like
you to make the same mistakes so make sure that you keep up with everything in
the course. If at all possible, do not
procrastinate. If you do, then I hope
you like coffee.
Before this course I had not even dreamed about writing a 15
page minimum report not to mention publish it online. I am not at all computer savvy so this became
a problem for me. This is why if you are
reading my report and it is pain black and white. But the main thing is that the information
provided is available, easy to read, beneficial for you in some way and
hopefully somewhat interesting.
At this point in the course you should have a basic
understanding of the material and be able to apply it to different situations
whether or not you are in a relationship.
Every time I see a scene on a television show or over hear a couple
talking in a coffee shop or walking the mall I make comments to myself, of
course, like, “oh, that is so disjunctive” followed by the thought of the
couple needing to resolve their issues and go through the zones of the ennead
chart, while also placing these couples within the specific zones of the ennead
chart as if I were a marriage counselor.
It is good for me to be applying what I have learned from
this course because it will enable me to establish lasting relationships by
treating others with respect. So the
information provided here in this class and this report will hopefully benefit
your relationships with everyone you come into contact with everyday. Hopefully, if you take anything away from
this report, you will have a greater appreciation and understanding for others.
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kawasugi/kawasugi-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm