Report 1
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By Jane Kwon
Instructions for this report
are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm
G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Section A:
Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart
(a) A Brief Synopsis and analysis of two movies:
Prime:
This film is about an older woman
(Rafi) that meets a younger man (David) and their ensuing relationship. However
Rafi is seeing a therapist who just happens to be the mother of the young man
she just began dating. Rafi’s therapist soon figures out that her patient is
dating her son and is extremely concerned not because she is older, but because
she is not Jewish. Eventually the therapist tells Rafi that she is dating her
son and they end their medical relationship. The rest of the movie deals with
the relationship between Rafi and David struggling with their age difference
and whether the relationship is what they both need at their current statuses
in life. Ultimately they discover that sometimes love isn’t enough to make a
relationship work.
In one scene David had to move out of his apartment
and move in with Rafi until he found his own place. One day while Rafi is out he
invites one of his friends over to see her apartment. As they are sitting down
for a beer they hear Rafi entering and David forces his friend to hide in the
closet, because he did not tell Rafi that he was going to have company over.
She soon discovers his friend hiding and they begin to argue. Rafi’s standpoint
is that she asks simple things from him such as, helping to keep the apartment
clean and informing her when he is bringing someone over to her apartment.
David on the other hand becomes defensive and claims that she treats him like
an inmate and that him hiding his friend in the closet and lying to her is not
a big deal. He then says he can’t handle it anymore and walks out.
At this point they are in the equity phase, because
she is accommodating to his needs and all he can think about are his feelings.
In terms of the Ennead Chart, Dave is clearly exhibiting in the argument
between them zone 4 sensorimotor equity. He doesn’t stop to consider her point
of view or feelings and selfishly claims that he is being treated like a
prisoner when he is the one living at her home without a job. All Rafi wants is
for him to respect her space and not lie to her about such a small issue as
having a friend over. Rather than apologizing David accuses her of not treating
him with respect. All he seems to care about is what is beneficial to him and
him alone as oppose to their needs as a couple. If it doesn’t coincide with his
rationale than something is wrong with her. When he finally walks out on her,
he is further ignoring resolution and preventing any growth in their
relationship.
After the argument Rafi decides that they should see
other people, so David and his friend go to a club where he sees one of the
models Rafi works with and makes out with her on the dance floor. He ends up
sleeping with the model that night. Later on Rafi and David get back together
and Rafi discovers at work what had occurred between David and the model. When
she goes to confront David about it he has nothing to say. He then talks to his
friend about the situation furious that Rafi is punishing him after saying they
should see other people. It is David’s friend that reveals to him that the
problem doesn’t lie with the fact that he went out, but it is about whom he
went out with.
David is in zone 4 and continues to behave in a
manner that is utterly selfish. Even though in his mind he misses Rafi and does
know he wants to get back together with her, he does nothing to stop the model
from kissing him and preventing the further happenings of that night. When he
and Rafi get back together he never mentions what happened with the model and
so further damages their relationship by keeping such a secret. Then after Rafi
finds out and confronts him he doesn’t say anything, showing how he is so stubborn
to admit to a wrongdoing and apologize profusely. He is so blinded in his
thinking that his pie-throwing friend had to point out what he did wrong.
David needs to learn that when he makes a mistake he should
own up to it, instead of waiting till it becomes an issue and allowing it to
escalate. He needs to get out of zone 4 and realize that Rafi is not trying to
control him, but avidly trying to help him become a better man. Rafi’s ability
to forgive him for all his mistakes shows how devoted she is to him and David
fails to see this. She was open to going into unity with him, but his
persistence in remaining in equity halts any progression no matter how deeply
she desires it.
Zones of the Ennead Chart where the interactions of Rafi
and David fall under:
Zone 1: Seeks personal pleasure.
- After Rafi tells him that they should see other people, he goes
out and sleeps with another woman. He does this without thinking, in a way to
spite her.
Zone 4: Acts out in anger.
-
David complains about living
with Rafi to his friend after learning that his mother is also his girlfriend’s
therapist. He says disjunctive comments such as, “she is now impossible to live
with” and “I’m paying in other ways.” He is talking negatively about her behind
her back purely out of anger.
-
He lies and then accuses her
of treating him like a prisoner when he had a friend over to her apartment
without telling her first. He then walks out on the argument.
-
He gets defensive after Rafi
finds out about his affair and claims that she shouldn’t be mad after she told
him that they should see other people. He is justifying his actions, because he
can’t admit that he was wrong and apologize.
Zone 5: He thinks only from his perspective.
-
David insults one of Rafi’s
co-workers, while she is at work. He doesn’t stop to think that he is at her
workplace and that his actions will make her look bad.
-
After Rafi discovers that her
therapist is also David’s mother and is expressing her feelings to him, he
still defends his mother and disagrees with Rafi that his mother is trying to
control him. He doesn’t immediately take her side and tries to reason that
perhaps Rafi is wrong.
-
He doesn’t tell Rafi that he
slept with a model she works with. Withholding this information and keeping it
a secret is for his own benefit, because he doesn’t want to be the one that
made a mistake.
Zone 6: Does things for his own immediate
happiness.
-
David chooses to continue to
play his video games even after Rafi asks if he is coming to bed. He tries to compromise
with her that he will go to bed after the game is finished. Thus showing her
that the game comes first then her.
-
He wants to give Rafi a baby,
but even she realizes that deep down inside he knows he will regret it. He is
willing to do this just to keep her happy at that very moment and she knows
this.
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason:
This movie is the sequel to Bridget Jones’s Diary
and begins where the first movie ended with the beginning of Bridget and Mark’s
relationship. Throughout the relationship Bridget has to deal with Mark’s
friends and colleagues who are quite different from her; she is especially
bothered by Rebecca, Mark’s tall and slender colleague that seems to have a
suspiciously close friendship with Mark. Their contrasting personalities cause
obstacles within their relationship, which unfortunately comes to an end.
Bridget then encounters an ex-boyfriend, Daniel, who is a liar and has hurt
Bridget in the past. Through some very unlucky predicaments Bridget and Mark
reunite and soon after they became engaged.
On their way home after Mark’s law council dinner
party, Bridget asks him why he was ignoring her most of the night. Mark
responds by saying that at these parties he has to talk with other people and that
it is expected of him. When she says that she will never fit in with his
friends, he agrees with her. He then says that she was acting ridiculous at the
party, to which she responds by calling him an arrogant ass. After the way she
has been treated by him all night, she leaves him to walk home by herself and
he watches her walks off.
By ignoring Bridget most of the night to talk with
his work colleagues and friends, he is exhibiting sensorimotor dominance by
purposely excluding her from any conversation. He is dismissing her views and
is afraid she will not only make a fool of herself, but of him also. He further
solidifies his dominance stance by defending his actions instead of apologizing
and trying to make it up to her. He remains in sensorimotor dominance by
telling her that she is acting ridiculous for her views and feelings. In
calling her a degrading name he is belittling her to enhance his superiority.
When he does nothing as she leaves him to walk home alone, he is showing her
that he is still justifying his behavior and disregarding her feelings.
After having lunch with both their parents they
return to his apartment where Bridget overhears a suspicious message left by
Rebecca, while Mark was in the bathroom. She then confronts him on whether he
is having an affair with Rebecca and he replies by saying “I won’t dignify that
question with an answer.” She then goes on to tell him how he is not
spontaneous or even a bit affectionate with her and that she feels as though he
is waiting to find someone else. He responds by saying that her claims are
absurd and is unable to say anything else. She then says, “You can never muster
the strength to fight for me.” She then waits for him to respond and when he
just stares back at her she walks out.
Mark clearly does not seem to care about Bridget’s
feelings, because whenever she feels insecure he does nothing to reassure her.
So when he refuses to answer her about whether he is cheating with Rebecca, he
is in her mind verifying that he is and he allows her to believe it. He behaves
coldly around her and this demonstrates to her that he wants to appear
available to find someone better. He always reacts defensively and thinks that
her feelings are unjustified, thus exhibiting cognitive dominance. When he
can’t stand up and fight for their relationship, he is showing her that he does
not really care if he lets her slip away so easily.
Zones of the Ennead Chart where the interactions of Mark
and Bridget fall under:
Zone 1: He treats her as if she is
unimportant.
-
At a dinner party with Mark’s
colleagues, he ignores Bridget most of the night to avoid having her say
something that would embarrass him. He basically disregards her and makes her
feel worthless.
-
Mark tells Bridget that she is
acting ridiculous for having an opinion that doesn’t match up with his.
-
He is not affectionate with
her when she wants affection and does nothing about it.
-
He interrupts her while she is
thinking of possible baby names, because he does not like the names she is
mentioning.
Zone 2: He disregards her feelings.
-
When Bridget asks whether he
is cheating with Rebecca he chooses not to answer, because he feels that her
asking it is foolish.
-
Mark gets defensive when she
feels troubled with their relationship, because he doesn’t think so.
Zone
4: He feels that she can take care of herself.
-
He leaves her alone on top a
ski slope to ski down with friends after she tells him she is fine and he is
aware of her clumsiness and lack of skiing skills. He is treating her more like
a buddy than a girlfriend by choosing to do things separately.
Zone
5: He likes to retain his own opinions.
-
When they go on a ski trip
together he doesn’t mention that his colleagues invited themselves along with them,
because he didn’t think she needed to know until the last minute.
-
They argue due to their
differing views on how to raise children, instead of trying to understand or
even to just listen to her views on child rearing.
Zone
6: He chooses other obligations over her.
-
He wants to spend time alone
with her, but he has to work late.
Zone 7: He does things to make her feel loved.
-
Makes her feel comfortable in
her skin by complimenting her when she feels insecure.
-
When she is falsely imprisoned
in Thailand, he does everything in his power to set her free by flying to a
couple of different countries trying to find the perpetrator that placed her in
jail.
(b) The Contrasts Within these Movies:
These
two films differ in the phases the relationships are in and how their problems are
dealt with. In Prime I felt that David and Rafi were more in the equity
phase,
due
to the fact that David is younger and not as established as Rafi in terms of
career. This being said he couldn’t exhibit much dominance over her, because in
terms of maturity and financial situation he needed to show more respect to
Rafi cause he lacked in both of them. When he placed himself in a situation in
which he felt reasonable in his actions, he would become defensive because it
was an instance where he could show some dominance. Their relationship
occasionally regressed into dominance, but I do not feel that they were able to
attain unity. For David everything he did was a test, a lesson to be learned,
so he would not know how to reach unity with her. After being with Rafi, however,
I think that he could reach unity with someone else now that he knows what to
do and what not to do.
In
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason the relationship between Bridget and
Mark had to endure the dominance phase for the most part. Him being a highly
respected
defense lawyer and she being a bumbling news reporter, the differences in terms
of superiority and inferiority are somewhat obvious. He would make Bridget feel
unimportant and disregard her feelings and thoughts instead of trying to
understand who she is and where she is coming from. When she would confront him
about how he made her feel, he did not agree with her or even really try to
defend himself. He would never really say anything at all. Their relationship
had many ups and downs, but I do feel that they were able to reach unity in
zone 7 due to their deep love and commitment for each other. After going
through a very rocky patch, they have both learned and will be able to grow
together into affective unity.
The major contrast is that David and
Rafi were unable to handle and change together from the fights they had, while
Bridget and Mark were. Mark had to struggle with his dominance and start
respecting Bridget more as not only his girlfriend, but as a person as well.
They went through dominance and then equity and then back to dominance, but
they were devoted and were able to prove to each other that they were willing
to work to improve their relationship. David and Rafi seemed like a couple that
only enjoyed the happiness that the relationship was giving them. They placed
so many doubts instead of trying to work it out. She was unable to get past his
age and he was unable to think about her in his actions. David and Rafi were
not only at different stages in their lives, but they were also looking for
different things in their future.
(c) My Conclusion on How Influential Movies Are:
Movies and the many other forms of media are everywhere in our society and culture. The presence is unavoidable, especially for adolescents and children that are
trying
to form an identity and looking towards role models on how to behave. The plots
within movies always thrive on negative and violent portrayals, because for
some reason they draw in more consumers. While we want our future generations
to grow up with good morals, the media is increasingly becoming an impediment.
The normal protocol for a movie depicting a relationship or marriage begins
positively and ends with a happy conclusion. Yet the bulk of the plot deals
with all the disputes and problems the couple goes through.
This message teaches children that you can treat your
partner a certain way and it is okay, because there will always be a happy
ending. The more children are exposed to these portrayals the more standard it
will appear. Then it will only be a matter of time before they start to apply
what they see to what they do. This ultimately becomes ingrained into their
thought processing and encourages the demand for more harmful images in movies
and thus fueling this problem to be more influential on their children.
In my own experiences when I see something on the
television or in a movie and I can relate to it, I focus more on how they
resolve the conflict. Even though I am fully aware that I am watching something
fictitious, I still believe that the resolution shown has some validity to it.
When an issue is left unresolved and ignored I take comfort in seeing it in
another relationship, because it ensures me in some way that my situation is
not abnormal and that sometimes just letting it go is okay. I now realize the
major error in ignoring and walking away from a problem. This is just one
example of how even adults can look to scripted shows on what may be acceptable
behavior in a relationship. For the most part the reason why one of my friends
loves a particular movie is because of the emotions it invokes due a relatable
predicament. We start to sympathize instead of disagreeing with problems,
looking for a happy resolution rather than a preventative measure.
(a) Interpretations of a Past Generation:
Laura
C. Moa:
Laura has observed through research and
studies that there exists a high correlation with the media and its influence
upon youths in terms of negative attitudes and beliefs. She uses rap music as a
prime example of how lyrics that objectify women and use profane language can
affect their future beliefs. Suggesting that negative exposures such as rap
music can carry onto romantic relationships for young impressionable minds.
Through her own observations many anti-unity values have become so common that
they are seen as norms and this very fact is something that should be of
importance.
Link to Laura’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm
Tiffany Akiyama:
Tiffany references a variety of television sitcoms
and how she views the messages that are being portrayed and their influences
upon young adults. Through observing children playing and referring back to her
lecture notes, she notes “TV plays a role in what the children deem is okay.”
Thus any type of rough play that involves hitting is shrugged off as an
accident or innocent play. When she asked children whether they thought the underlying
messages were positive or negative, they were able to recognize the negative
portrayals of marriage and agree that they are wrong. Nevertheless it did not
hinder them from watching, because they enjoy the entertainment value of the
show. She feels that more “old-school” types of family shows are needed,
because they show more positive interactions that do not always contain
arguments. Overall she believes that television shows have a significant impact
on children and parents need to step in to explain which interactions are
suitable and which are not.
Link to Tiffany’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm
Crystal Bulda:
Crystal writes that young boys and girls are
constantly looking for role models in their environment. They only have their
parents and the media for references on how to behave, how to treat others, how
others are viewed, and what the ideal physical appearance is to fit into our
society. The media is everywhere and virtually unavoidable and whatever it
depicts is what our youths are living up to. Therefore numerous young girls are
dressing more provocatively and behaving in a sexy manner to mimic the images
seen in the media. Boys on the other hand are learning to be dominant and see
girls as inferior.
Link to Crystal’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm
Angela Murray:
Angela uses the relationship of her sister’s marriage
and how it shapes their three daughters’ attitudes and values. Angela’s sister
is subjugated to abuse from her husband and in turn is teaching her daughters
that it is acceptable to be abused. Every time she asked her husband for
something he would refuse, thus training her daughters to learn that their
voice is of no importance. She sympathizes with her sister’s situation, because
of the anti-unity values they have grown up with. Growing up her sister has
come to believe that men are more valuable and that she should always give in
to a man’s demands. Nowadays girls are surrounded by male domination not only
from their mothers, but also from movies and songs that endorse the suppression
of women.
Link to Angela’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report1.htm
Christine Gora:
Christine comes from a very religious upbringing and
holds strong beliefs on marriage and relations before or outside marriage.
Within her own ancestry children have been conceived at a young age, of around
15 and 16, out of wedlock. She is aware of the impact due to the pattern of
this occurring from mother to daughter. Women who are continually living in
this male dominant world are only further weakened and thus more likely to be
unable to think that a unity model exists. In this day and age the many
anti-unity values portrayed are now the norm and consequently validates its
continuation. The only way to break this chain is by educating and infusing
values that support more unity values in all environments of a child’s life.
Link to Christine’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm
Katie Ide:
Katie sees a world where children are forced to
mature at a much faster pace. Being exposed to so many anti-unity values in all
forms such as: toys, makeup, clothing, movies, and music. Parents seem to be
doing nothing to prevent their children from exposing themselves to subjects
not suitable for their age. The issue with so many girls having a negative
image of themselves has required a campaign to increase their self-esteem, a
campaign that would not be necessary if our society as a whole promoted more
healthy interactions between men and women. She feels that younger generations
will be incapable of having secure relationships due to the fact that they have
never been exposed to one. Our society does nothing to stop anti-unity values
from airing throughout out mass media, but then left baffled as to why girls
are being abused and raped.
Link to Katie’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm
Christina Afonin:
Christina believes that young adolescents are not
aware of the anti-unity values depicted in the media. They are confused about
societal rules and so are heavily influenced by what the media depicts. When
youths accept what they see as the norm and begin to conduct themselves in that
manner, they are perpetuating negative attitudes without consciously noticing.
Being exposed to so many negative views makes it challenging for adolescents to
differentiate between positive and negative behaviors. Until they are made
aware of the destructive messages within the media, they will unknowingly pass
on such harmful views without an awareness of what unity values can provide.
Link to Christina’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-report1.htm
(b) My Reaction:
Before
taking this course I always felt that the media had a negative affect upon
young impressionable minds, but only concerning the issue of violence and
sexual
exposure.
I never considered the values it was instilling, such as male dominance and how
it effects our interaction in future romantic relationships. In my mind I felt
capable of being able to separate what I saw in movies and television from how
I behaved in my own life, I mean after all its just fiction. Many of the shows
I enjoy watching are for pure entertainment and when a couple walked away from
a fight or ignored a behavior that bothered them it was just plain funny. I
never stopped to think that something was wrong and that by watching this
couple, being played by beautiful actors, it was something I might
subconsciously want. All television sitcoms take place in a beautiful home with
beautiful children and fabulous hair and makeup. It couldn’t paint a more
perfect picture for the ideal American family.
After reading these findings from
the previous generation it is understandable to see how the underlying problems
within relationships are due to the manipulation of the media. Tiffany Akiyama
made an interesting observation on the popularity of certain television shows.
She found more viewers were drawn to a show that portrayed more anti-unity
values (Family Guy) than a show with a more unity marriage (Yes, Dear), which
was unfamiliar to a lot of the people she knew. Perhaps this is due to our own
sick nature for pain and suffering or the values we have come to identify with.
All of the students were in agreement with the fact that the media has a
negative impact and that our youth needs to be educated with positive values. I
would also have to agree with them, because our media is already too saturated
with anti-unity values. The divorce rate is at a high percentage, boys are
learning to degrade and devalue girls at a younger age, and girls are being
trained to accept their roles in our society as sexual objects.
My current position on this issue is that there needs to be a drastic change in the way we view entertainment. We need to step away from shows that attract viewers with sex and violence and promote shows with loving and unity centered relationships. The problem is that many parents are away from home due to their careers and many children are left at home with the television as their babysitter. The only constant role model seems to be the characters on television shows and movies, and so the influences of the parents’ starts to wane as more posters go up upon their children’s walls. Personally I feel that the media forms many of our attitudes and values. I am aware that my own sense of what is beautiful and attractive has been formed from the images I have seen in television and movies. Likewise for many people they admire and want to duplicate the glamorous Hollywood stars.
We seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle where the
media promotes anti-unity values, which are found within a lot of reality shows
that depict values most likely learned from the media. Now being able to
recognize many of the anti-unity values, I feel that it will impact my life and
those that I share this information with. The first real step to changing is
being able to pinpoint what is anti-unity and avoid duplicating it.
(c) How This Applies to Everyday Life:
In my everyday life I can see the influences the media has not only on our youth, but also in every person. At home my parents have a male dominance marriage, but not so much due to the effects of the media than traditional societal rules. My interaction with my two older brothers however would exhibit the persuasion of the media. Growing up there was a clear distinction between how my brothers would play and how I would play. They would run around as ninjas with t-shirts over their heads and I played with my Barbies. Although I would occasionally run around as a ninja to engage in play, they however would never dare to play with my dolls except to dismember them. With the many commercials being aired on the television, advertisers make it clear to children the distinction between toys for boys and toys for girls. I also feel that this early separation from my brothers have created a further rift with our relationship today. We have less in common and thus less to talk about.
Part-time I am a tutor to mainly elementary school children and I have noticed within my workplace a bias that a female is best suited to handle pre-kindergartners. It’s a common belief that teachers are majority female, based upon our biological need to nurture. We see it in movies, television, commercials, and even in music. It is such a norm that for a man to become an elementary teacher he is seen as incredibly sensitive and caring, while it is almost predictable for a woman to become an elementary teacher. As a result young boys and girls grow to observe this trend and accept it, so that the future occupations they desire will be firefighters for boys and teachers for girls.
In public-places how you present yourself basically dictates the views other people have of you. In most cases people present themselves as how they want to be perceived. This could not be shown clearer than in the many cliques formed throughout high school. In this period of extreme transitional phases of trying to figure out one’s identity, adolescents are vulnerable to the many influences of the media and peer pressure. No one seems to understand them and so they find solace in television programming where they feel that they can relate to a character, a fabrication. In some cases instead of tuning in to who they really are, they mimic who they would like to be. From my own observations most often than not the popular kids are the ones who modify themselves the most to be accepted.
(d) Psychological Viewpoint:
Adolescent
Sexuality and the Media:
The research found in this journal
seems to validate many of the findings of the students from the previous generation.
It mentions that the amount of sexual activities in television is four times
more frequent between unmarried individuals than married ones. The sexual
messages are being presented in a positive light excluding the unpleasant
consequences, such as sexually transmitted diseases. In this age with so many
technological devices, adolescents are using the media as a source of
information and learning more so than from their family or friends. Those that
watched the most amount of television were more likely to accept the labels of
gender roles to be accurate. For many girls they are educating themselves on
romance and relationships from the difference scenarios presented in many
shows. The authors of this journal agree that parents should take a more active
role in monitoring what their children are watching and be there to reveal the
underlying messages.
Grube, Joel W., and Enid
Gruber. “Adolescent Sexuality and the Media.” Western Journal of Medicine.
March 2000. BMJ Publishing Group. 10 March 2007.
<http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1070813>
Television Viewing and Adolescents’ Sexual Behavior:
The sample for this study was taken from a junior
high school in North Carolina. The researchers found that there was a
substantial relationship between the sexual programming that adolescents
watched and their sexual activity status. Non-virgins were drawn more to
television shows that had a higher concentration of sexual activity. These
results supported the hypothesis that viewing a more sexually saturated show
leads to sexual activity, however, it still does not discount the hypothesis
that more experience with sexual activity leads to watching more sexually
saturated shows. The researchers see that alternative sources for sexual
information need to be made available to adjust the effects from television.
They also suggested two theories that could account
for this relationship between adolescents’ sexual behavior and the media, but
they lack empirical data. The first is Bandura’s theory of social learning,
which people observe others acting in a certain manner and take on similar
behaviors. The other is a cultivation theory where we see something so
repeatedly that we come to consider it a norm.
Brown,
J., and S. Newcomer. “Television Viewing and Adolescents’ Sexual Behavior.” Journal
of Homosexuality. 1991. 10 March 2007.
<http://comm2.fsu.edu/faculty/comm/Sapolsky/sexinmed/Readings/TViewingAdoleSexBeh.DOC>
Exposure to the Mass Media and Weight Concerns Among
Girls:
This study sought whether the media had an impact on
girls’ own body image and their perception of the ideal body shape. It was
found that the dissatisfaction of body image was clearly related to the
frequency of reading fashion magazines. This correlation was so strong that
even girls that only infrequently read fashion magazines still had a rate of
60% feeling as though the media was influencing their impression of the ideal
body. Even though this form of print media has driven girls to diet, it has led
them to seek a healthy alternative of physical activity as a means of weight control.
Cheung,
Lilian, Graham A. Colditz, Alison E. Field, Steven L. Gortmaker, David B.
Herzog, and Anne M. Wolf. “Exposure to the Mass Media and Weight
Concerns Among Girls.” Pediatrics. March 1999.
American Academy of Pediatrics. 10 March 2007.
<http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/103/3/e36>
(a) Summary of Conjunctive and Disjunctive Verbal Interactions:
Disjunctive replies given by husbands or boyfriends
are shown through negation, denial, refusal, disloyalty, secrecy, lies, abuse,
swearing, yelling, and not making up sufficiently after disturbing his wife.
This occurs mainly in the dominance phases, but may also appear occasionally in
the unity model as well. Women put up with this abuse with the hope that their
partner will soon become enlightened and want to move forward into the unity
model where she will be treated with the kindness and respect she deserves.
Conjunctive responses, on the other hand, are when the husband refrains from
disjunctive responses in a desire to become more mentally intimate with his
wife. Through conjunctive replies the romantic tension between husband and wife
can be maintained. The “conjunctive self of a couple in conjugial unity, is
incredibly superior and empowered.”
One aspect that may be viewed as disjunctive is when
the wife keeps secrets, but these cannot be identified as the same secrets men
keep. Men keep secrets for the purpose of deceiving and to keep his thoughts
away from her and so they cannot be fully united in eternity, because he lacks
complete mental unity with her. Yet a woman keeps spiritual secrets, which are
entirely dissimilar to the lies and deceptions men use to keep secrets.
Spiritual secrets are conjunctive ones that are neither physical nor social
secrets. They are a woman’s perception of her husband’s “unconscious or
subconscious affections, desires, proclivities, and inner make up” given to her
by God. It is at the wife’s discretion whether to reveal these spiritual
secrets to her husband more and more as he grows further into the unity model.
The husband has to come to terms that he will become
a more happier and masculine man if he places his wife before everything else.
“For the husband to serve God through his wife is to honor God’s highest
purpose for creating him.”
(b) My Personal Understanding and Relevance:
Disjunctive and conjunctive interactions are seen in every relationship and interaction. Many disjunctive responses stand out and are clearly identifiable while others may be viewed as harmless and are consequently ignored. These types of verbal interactions are not only hurtful to the woman, but also detrimental to the relationship. They occur when the husband or boyfriend speaks to their partner in a way that does not support or promote an understanding of what she is saying. In turn she is left to feel rejected and unloved. The habits he has acquired through society and culture has given him the false beliefs on what he should expect and how he should treat his spouse. If the man is able to acknowledge and avoid disjunctive behaviors, his transition towards conjunction should be smooth.
Conjunctive interaction is a gateway to mental intimacy and so allowing the couple to join on a level that will enhance all other areas of intimacy as well. These responses help mend the anguish the woman has previously endured and provides the man the necessary tools to ensure that his spouse is pleased. When a husband makes his wife happy, he will in turn obtain joy through her delight. He learns how to approach her, respond to her, understand where she is coming from, and so gain a more loving and nurturing connection with benefits that outlast time.
From what I have experienced and heard from friends, there are always going to be ups and downs and nothing will ever be perfect. As pessimistic as this may sound, this is the reality that many or all people live in. Applied to my own relationship I can recognize now how often I have been subjected to disjunctive responses rather than conjunctive ones. I can now pinpoint how this lack of mental intimacy has affected other areas of my relationship, especially the physical intimacy aspect. Even though conjunctive replies cannot erase the past they are a way to make-up for time wasted in dominance. Of course there will be disagreements and disputes, but by recognizing our disjunctive and conjunctive reactions a couple can work towards a life of bliss in eternity.
(c) Connection to Deborah Tannen’s Gender Discourse:
The
following are dialogues taken from Deborah Tannen’s book Gender Discourse.
I will use each to display disjunctive and conjunctive interactions between a
man and woman.
This
dialogue has been taken from Erica Jong’s novel Fear of Flying and is
between Isadora and her husband Bennett. (On page 37 from Gender Discourse)
“Why do
you turn on me? What did I do?”
Silence
“What did I do?”
He looks at her
as if her not knowing were another injury.
“Look,
let’s just go to sleep now. Let’s just forget it.”
“Forget
what?”
He says
nothing.
.
. .
“It
was something in the movie, wasn’t it?”
“What, in
the movie?”
“. . . It was the funeral scene. …
The little boy looking at his dead mother. Something got you there. That was
when you got depressed.”
Silence
“Well, wasn’t it?”
Silence
“Oh, come on, Bennett, you’re making
me furious. Please tell me. Please.”
Isadora is pleading with her husband that he explain
to her what he is thinking and his silence is a clear disjunctive act that is
keeping her from his thoughts. By not communicating there can be no resolution
to the problem and Isadora will have to struggle with this until Bennet lets
her in. Silence is a way that he is holding control over her, because she wants
to understand how he feels and thinks and her pleading makes her appear weak
and desperate. There is something he is trying to keep from her and his secrecy
is yet another disjunctive act. He uses the typical male response by saying,
“let’s forget it” a way in his mind to avoid conflict, but for her an adamant
refusal to allow growth in their relationship towards unity. Her persistence to
overcome his disjunctive behavior is futile if he is unwilling to become
mentally intimate with her.
Bennet could prevent future frustration within his
wife if he allows himself to communicate conjunctively. Rather than shutting
her out by using the silence treatment he should address the situation at hand.
He should respond when she asks a question, because she only wants to connect
more intimately with him. He needs to give her respect, look her in the eyes
and open up to her. Instead of storing his emotions inside he can liberate himself
of the burden he is carrying and so benefiting them both. He needs to recognize
that his wife’s happiness will in turn result in his own happiness.
Similar
to the dialogue above is a conversation between another married couple,
Marianne and Johan who are discussing their openness with each other; all the
while Johan has been having an affair with another woman. (On page 145 – 146 in
Gender Discourse)
Marianne:
(Searchingly) Has something happened, Johan?
Johan:
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I swear.
Marianne:
We’re pretty honest with each other, you and I. Aren’t we?
Johan:
I think so.
Marianne:
It’s awful to go around bottling things up. One must speak out, however painful
it is. Don’t you think?
Johan:
(Irritably) Hell, yes. What time is it?
Marianne:
One fifteen.
Johan:
My watch is always stopping. What were you saying? Oh yes, honesty. I suppose
you mean over sex, to put it bluntly.
Marianne: Sometimes I think we …
Johan:
People can’t always live cheek by jowl. It would be too tiring.
Marianne:
Yes, that is the big question.
Johan: Anyway, I must go now.
In this conversation Marianne is trying to
communicate with her husband regarding their relationship by focusing on the
issue of honesty. Now during this very brief dialogue every response that Johan
gives is disjunctive. First of all when Marianne asks if something has happened
Johan lies by saying “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” He is trying to sidestep
this topic by denying anything is wrong, even though he is cheating on his
wife. He then continues to respond with an irritable tone, undoubtedly showing
what little respect he has for what his wife is saying and then changes the
subject by asking what time it is. Johan even interrupts her while she is in
the middle of a sentence and does not notice nor apologize for doing so.
Finally he exits the conversation and leaves his wife without saying goodbye or
even informing Marianne of where he is off to.
With every disjunctive response Johan has said there
are conjunctive solutions that would make Marianne feel loved and appreciated.
Yet in this situation I feel that Johan simply does not care for his wife any
longer and is neither in the unity, equity, nor dominance phase. She is more a
roommate than a spouse to him. However if Johan wished to attain unity with
Marianne he needs to give her what she needs. He must openly communicate and
not hold back his feelings and definitely not keep any secrets from her. His
tone should always be calm and pleasant. He should never interrupt her, but
wait until she is finished to give his response and never leave the
conversation until she is satisfied. He also need to sufficiently make-up for
the pain he has caused her so she can forgive him and together they can move
towards uniting.
(a) My Personal Gains:
In studying the dominance-equity-unity model I have been made aware of how deep a relationship can go. In the first stage of a relationship a couple is in the dominance phase where in lies all the societal and traditional values that hold men as superior over women. Next is equity, where the couple is more equal and prone to more arguments. Lastly is the unity phase where the husband has willingly become one with his wife in understanding that her best interests are his and with his cooperation they can be truly in love for all eternity in heaven. Within every phase there are different stages that lead to the next phase, those stages are sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. Sensorimotor encompasses all the external and physical sensations such as touch, the tone of voice used, and body gestures. The cognitive stage involves internal thoughts and attitudes and lastly is affective, which are the inmost desires.
Since taking this course I have learned how everlasting love can be and that it is not just about love at first sight, but it is about a commitment and working towards unity. You cannot and should not settle for a man that does not respect you, treat you well, and want to understand your every thought and live in eternity with you. The unity model has helped me with my own relationship and has made me more aware of the direction I want to head in. During class with every topic brought up I was able to assess my own relationship and see that the small disputes I had with my boyfriend were nothing to be ignored and walked away from. I understand that nothing is ever a quick fix, but I am starting to see a change for the better.
I assume the positive bias in this course, but being agnostic I am not so sure about living in eternity in heaven conjoined to another. The thought of it is quite wonderful and I don’t doubt the possibility of it, but being in a transitional stage I am hesitant to put so much confidence in it as well. I can only hope that one day I could achieve a relationship that encompasses everything that a unity marriage is comprised of, but as of now it seems like a dream to aspire to. However sharing this newfound information is something that needs to be told, so many of my friends would benefit and I hope that they would find eternal love and happiness.
(b) To Future Generations:
This
is one assignment that you should not procrastinate on not only due to its
length, but the fact that this report will reflect your own understanding of
the material. If you
don’t
comprehend it, it only hurts yourself in your own romantic relationships and
not to mention your grade as well. The benefits from doing this report will
give you a deeper grasp of the unity model of marriage and enlighten you
further than just listening in class to other people’s oral presentations. It
will help you notice the disjunctive aspects of your own relationships and how
to it can be changed to be more conjunctive. Overall the unity model shows you
the ups and downs of a relationship and how all the arguments and disagreements
are just phases that need to be worked on in order to get past them and head
towards unity.
In preparing for this report you
should read all the notes assigned and make sure you understand them and if you
don’t ask Dr. Leon James for clarification. You should not slack off, because
before you know it the multiple weeks you had to work on the report will be
gone. Time flies by fast and be sure to take into account any other classes
that you might have assignments for as well, because the worst situation to put
yourself in is staying up all night to just finish and turn in a substandard
report.
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kwon/kwon-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm