Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
From Traditional to Eternal
By Jane Kwon
The instructions for this
report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 6, 8, 11, and 13.
The Question I am
answering is Question 3:
(a) Select at
least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22
as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize
each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
Generation 20: Jennifer
Combs Jennifer did her report by
conducting an experiment with her own marriage to see areas that are in the
dominant, equity, or unity phase. She asked questions that fell in any of the
three categories and then recorded her husband’s as well as her own responses.
For the first portion she asked questions that fell in the dominant phase and
dealt with control areas. She found that half of the time they negotiated on
decisions and the other half she would step back and allow her husband to
behave in a way that she did not agree with, but would not say anything about
them to him. When it came to questions that dealt with negotiation areas they
were not as equitable as the dominant questions. Her husband seemed set in his
ways and she would make excuses for his behavior. In terms of the unity phase
and questions about trust and mutual dependence, she states that her husband
will do things and remember dates but not to the same extent that she
would.
Link to Jennifer’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/combs/report%202.htm
Generation 21: Shari Arakawa-Longboy
In one portion of Shari’s report she contrasts the
views of gender relationships of Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and
Dr. Leon James. She places Dr. Laura’s views in the dominance phase, because
the woman should mold herself according to what the man wants. Tannen is
considered to be in the equity phase, because it is found “that the
individuals’ style of communicating results in a balance of power.” Dr. James’s
views are in the unity phase, because together a husband and wife will become
one person through being connected in the sensorimotor, cognitive, and
affective levels.
For the next portion she analyzed past generations
reports and wrote how their ideas influenced herself. She agreed for the most
part with what the student wrote and gained a more clear understanding of the
unity model and generally how the values of the unity model can benefit all
types of relationships. Next she made a table showing Behavioral Indicators of
One’s Relationship Model and found that 75% of the responses overlapped
dominance and equity, 20% overlapped equity and unity, while 10% overlapped all
three models. Concluding that the unity model is the most difficult to achieve
and that this table could help couples better understand where their
relationship stands.
She then observed a couple and their interaction
during a conversation. Her results showed that the couple was obviously in the
dominant phase, because he refused to compromise and understand his girlfriend
even though she tried to get him to see her point of view. The girl did not
become upset, but just simply wants to be understood by her partner. From her
data she concluded that he was nowhere near ready to give in to unity or even
equity. The last topic she discusses is the false notion that men have fewer
feelings than women. She disputes that men and women have a different level of
awareness for their feelings and this causes them to react differently. The
impact of culture and society also has a large influence on how we express
emotions. She goes on further to say that a couple cannot grow unless both
partners are at the same level of emotional awareness.
Link to Shari’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/report2.htm
Generation 22: Stephanie Lea Regucera
Stephanie’s first topic is how it is wrongly asserted
that men have fewer feelings than women. She explains how this notion is
untrue, because boys have been brought up to hide their emotions. A man
displays his attraction mainly through nonverbal communication, which falls
under the sensorimotor level. Women have a stronger awareness of their
feelings, while men have a difficult time expressing them. A male’s withdrawal
from expressing himself can lead to a lack of communication that will
ultimately cause many problems for the relationship. Next she discusses when a
couple may argue after having a good time. She writes that this occurs when the
relationship is in the sensorimotor level and that each partner needs to
recognize the others thoughts and not be disrespectful. She believes that
having separate activities is healthy, even though it is not according to the
unity model. A couple could avoid disputes by not rushing into marriage, but
work towards the affective level first.
For her next topic she creates a table of behaviors
found in a relationship and divides them into the three models. She finds
overlaps between the three models, which proves how interrelated each phase is.
This table is helpful in creating a more open communication by having them
agree on activities and a step to unity. She then analyzed The Proper Care
and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and found that she
contradicted herself often, thus reducing her credibility on the subject. She
then took ten quotes written by husbands from the book and analyzed them
according to the unity model. She views Dr. Laura as coming from a very
traditional style and so promotes the dominance model.
She then discusses anti-unity values seen in the
media and takes three programs to illustrate how they portray negative gender
interactions. She chose to analyze Sex and the City and found that after
watching a few episodes found it depressing, because these four women were
constantly having relationships without discovering anything meaningful. Many
anti-unity values are portrayed, because it is a common perception of
relationships and we can relate to them. This creates a sense of normalcy and
so we accept them. Lastly she discusses the presence and popularity of Dr.
Laura Schlessinger and Deborah Tannen. Dr. Laura has more of a following and more
and more people are seeking her advice to mend their broken relationships. As
for Tannen she still has a following, because many find that communication is
vital.
Link to Stephanie’s report: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/regucera/409b-g22-report2.htm
(c) Summarize
what they say they gained from doing their reports.
Jennifer
seems to have gained a better understanding of her marriage not only in the
present, but also the past. She is able to see more clearly the aspects of her
relationship that are good and others that may require some work. She feels
overall that she has an equity phase marriage, due to the fact that they
negotiate ideas most of the time. Being that they don’t always agree and that
her husband may not be putting as much effort into the relationship as she is,
she still feels that they are strong in trust and mutual dependence. She does
admit that her views have changed since taking this course and that she desires
reaching the unity model, however, she can recognize the difficulty in reaching
unity and feels that disagreements are acceptable because men and women are
different.
Shari
sees the unity model as helpful, but does not agree that to attain unity it is
entirely up to the husband. It should be both the husband and wife that need to
work towards unity and a woman should not sit back and have the man do all the
work. She can see that in her own marriage they are not in unity, but she also
does not agree with the unity model. Yet she does have a better understanding
on how to have a more healthy relationship and that in studying this course it
has impacted her marriage.
Stephanie
has definitely gained a better understanding of the unity model through doing
this report as well as talking about it to friends and family. She especially
notes the relationship of her grandparents, which at first she believed to be
dominant but has found that they are in unity. Of course though with effort as
she sees that her grandmother pushed for equity early on in their relationship
and reached a point where her family is quite matriarchal and her husband not
only adores but also respects her. This course has helped her realize the
potential of an enduring bond.
(d) How do their
ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
I
would have to say that I do not feel that much of what was discussed in these
three reports influenced what I thought about these issues. Many of the points
that they covered were ideas I have already learned in class and built my own
opinions on. However what I took from these three students were their
experiences in learning the unity model and how their lives were affected, not
only personally but also in the relationships around them. Seeing how it
affected every single one of their lives shows how much impact the knowledge of
this model could have on all of society.
My
own ideas on marriage after learning about the unity model is that marriage is
not so much as a comparison of how much work each partner puts into the
relationship, but more about the commitment to one another that drives them to
be together for eternity. Falling in love with someone may actually be the
easiest part of a relationship. The hard thing is not only keeping the feeling
of being in love, but building upon it further into the highest state of
affective unity.
(e) Would it be
useful to teach this course to high school students? Explain.
I
do believe that it would be useful to teach this to high school students, but I
do not think that it would have much of an effect on them. Primarily due to the
fact that in high school students deal with too many pressures from school and
from their peers, though it does have the potential of being either highly influential
or immediately rejected. Yet today adolescents are submersed in stereotypes
from the media and it is the glitz and glamour of Hollywood that will have a
greater impact than a course taught in school. Their priorities are skewed to
the artificial lives on the screen. However approaching our youth is the best
way to change our future, because they are in the point of their lives of
discovery who they are and will become as adults. It is the messages they
choose that will determine everyone’s future and giving them the option of
deciding whether the unity model is right for them or not is better than having
them go through life without ever knowing it.
The Question I am
answering is Question 6:
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs.
Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
Non-exclusive
love of the sex is when sexual arousal can come from anyone and from multiple
partners. It is purely just physical pleasure and is the natural form of sex,
something that we have in common with animals. It is void of any intimacy and
is considered the lowest form of human pleasure and satisfaction. Non-exclusive
sex is focused on one’s self and the pleasures and sensations they are
receiving, thus making it exploitive and abusive. It separates oneself from the
other person and basically indiscriminate of the person, condition, or
situation involved. This form of sex is temporary in pleasure, thus causing
promiscuity in the person to constantly seek out another partner to revitalize
the sensations. When a partner participates in sexual activities without any
mental intimacy they are subjected to sexual blackmail.
On
the other hand there is love of one of the sex and this involves mental
intimacy at the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective levels. It is spiritual
and intimate and something completely unique to humans. When a couple achieves
the highest sexual mental intimacy they will encounter the most gratifying
sexual experiences of their lives that will only enhance through eternity. What
makes this form of sex lasting is its context of friendship and intimacy and
once the relationship crosses the threshold into the spiritual phase of
conjunction it will be everlasting and indestructible. Sex is associated with
the love of others for the sake of others, solidifying a couple so that they
are conjoined as one conjoint self.
(b) Go to Dr. Phil's Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378 and
look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice
on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for
example here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil's
approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).
Dr.
Phil’s approach to a couple’s sex life mainly deals with the principals of love
of the sex. On one hand he does not support a couple having threesomes to spice
up their sex life and on the other hand he does not support more mental
intimacy. When it came to a married couple where the husband turned sour at his
wife when she refused to have another threesome, Dr. Phil did come to her
defense telling the husband that a threesome will never help a marriage. Yet
when he proceeded to give advice he directed it solely at the wife telling her
that she needs to change and be more assertive in telling her husband what she
is not comfortable in doing. Nothing was directed at the husband to change his
attitude and the way he treats his wife, it was expected that she should change
in order to see any change. Dr. Phil acknowledged the non-exclusive love that
the husband sought, but once it was addressed it was from then ignored. This is
an instance where Dr. Phil is advocating less non-exclusive love, but not
encouraging enough exclusive love.
Another
couple that sought Dr. Phil’s help was dealing with issues where the wife was
burned out after a long day and was too tired for any sexual activities when
her husband had an increased sexual drive due to the testosterone he was
taking. Dr. Phil once again focused his attention on the wife telling her that
she needs to set aside some of her duties to relax more so that she can invest
more time on her husband. He explains to her how she needs to approach her
husband for more help around the house in order to become a better wife and
lover. He does not speak to the husband at all when he is giving any advice on
how to fix their marriage; his focus is getting the wife to do all the work. He
may slap the husband’s wrist once for any fault, but the wives receive all the
lashings. He does not promote any mental intimacy, because he asks nothing of
the husbands and everything of the wives.
(c) State your conclusions and recommendations.
Dr.
Phil has very few sound advices for these couples, because he doesn’t address
the couples’ problem but only the wives problem. Looking at his methods very
broadly his motives mean well, but his approach will only solve a problem
temporarily leaving it open for other issues to eventually arise. Of course he
does not support any extramarital affairs, but he does not confront the issues
the husbands may have. What I would recommend for the couple that is dealing
with the issue of a threesome is that the husband has to stop focusing on his
own sexual gratification and start respecting his wife’s feelings and thoughts.
Currently he is treating her as nothing but an object for his pleasure clearly
saying that he needs another woman, because he wants to have sex four or five
times when his wife tires after one time. As for the couple where the wife is
too exhausted to be interested in sex, the husband should first stop taking
testosterone to bring down his sexual appetite so he can focus on helping his
wife more around the house. When he starts to support her, he will see the
effects and have his loving wife once again.
The Question I am answering is
Question 8:
(a)
In your own
words, describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the
couple's threefold self.
The unity model of marriage is a way for couples to achieve the highest level of love and togetherness through a better understanding of themselves and more so of their partner. Every couple goes through this process in the hopes of reaching eternity in the afterlife together by means of the dominance, equity and unity phase. Within each phase there is also the couple’s threefold self, which consists of sensorimotor acts, cognitive processes, and affective states. Women innately have this desire to conjoin with their partner and it is men that are resistant to it. Once men relinquish their dominant tendencies and are committed to life in eternity with their partner, they can then move forward towards working to unity.
The first phase is dominance where all the influences of societies culture and tradition dictates the way the relationship functions. The man is domineering and expects submission from the woman. The woman in this phase is trying to please the man, because she cares for him and wants to make him happy, while the man does not see the sacrifice on the woman’s part and sees her behavior as necessary. The first stage of the threefold self in dominance is authoritarian sensorimotor acts. Examples of this are using a harsh tone while talking, having sex when only one partner is in the mood, physically harm, and lying. The next stage is cognitive processes where the man’s thoughts are only focused on keeping control and suppressing his partner. Then there is the affective state where the man’s motivation is to keep himself as superior above his wife or girlfriend.
The equity phase has more negotiations and deal making within a couple, but the man still can excise some dominant behaviors. The woman feels more freedom to express her feelings and thoughts, because of this there will be many more disagreements and arguments within this phase as the man is challenged. In sensorimotor equity the husband does not try to control her as much and they have sensations and pleasures as a result of their mutual interaction. In cognitive equity both partners think about each other, considering things such as fairness, any differences, and evaluating all situations. In affective equity each partners’ motivation is to compete with each other. Each wants something more from the other, but in their equitable state it comes down to negotiating.
In unity the husband has realized that he should not focus on himself, but focus on his wife. He has given up his dominant behaviors realizing that they harm his wife physically and mentally. At this point he is now rational enough to see that through his wife’s happiness, together they can achieve the highest level of love that will pass onto their next life in heaven. Sensorimotor unity is where the couple experiences the best physical pleasure with each other through their now close mental intimacy. The husband will try to hold and maintain his wife above all else, although he may regress back to equity or even possible dominance a few times he will recognize and correct his actions and his wife will always be ready and willing to forgive him. In cognitive unity he will align his thoughts with hers, never to put down her opinions and through this she will also value even more his wisdom. In affective unity he is continuously motivated to please his wife in pursuit of attaining an even closer mental intimacy with her.
(b) Describe any
difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model,
including
(i) The idea of a
unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
What was a bit troubling for me to accept with the fact that a unity couple is at a higher state of life than all others is that it seems as though a single person is nothing without a significant other. I could understand that it is God’s wish to see us with the person that completes us, but it kind of places more pressure to find the person that you could go to heaven with due to the many levels a couple has to work through. I do feel that when you find someone that makes you stronger and makes you feel loved, it does put you in a higher state. We are social creatures so it does make reasonable sense that a unit is more powerful than an individual.
(ii) The
eternal significance of marriage
The thought of an eternal marriage with the one that
is your true love is an incredible thought. To achieve such a bond with another
person that you become essentially one person in heaven is wonderful, knowing
that it is God’s desire to see us united in that way. Yet in the Bible it does
state that the only relationship one will have in heaven will be with God, and
so when you regard your wife or husband so highly doesn’t it interfere with
one’s relationship with God? This would have to be the only issue I have with
marriage in eternity, because other than that I could only hope that I would be
able to reach unity with someone and live in eternal bliss in heaven.
(iii) Swedenborg's observations of marriages in
heaven.
Swedenborg’s accounts of marriages in heaven is an aspect
of the unity model that I am the most skeptical about, because he claims to be
the only person to be in this world to enter theirs. What I would like to know
is why Swedenborg was given such an opportunity and why he is the only person
to be able enter heaven and then return to this world? I try to keep a positive
bias, but it is difficult to accept it when he is the only source. His
observations of couples are remarkable and from what he writes about I truly
hope that it is what occurs after we leave this world.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell
them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the
Swedenborg reports.
I have spoken to a few friends about the unity model and the reactions that they gave me were expected, as females were very receptive and inspired to learn more about the model and the one male that I spoke to was very cynical and doubtful of it. I must say that I feel that I did not explain the unity model as well as it should have been explained, but for my female friends they could agree with me that it is a desirable way for a relationship to be.
When I spoke to my male friend and tried to explain to him the unity model the best that I could, he could only question it constantly so much so that I could not answer the majority of his questions. So he took it that in my inability to justify and reason its existence it was not valid. He also had a very negative bias approach and likes to see hard evidence of Swedenborg’s reports, which is unavailable because only Swedenborg entered the realm of heaven and witnessed couples interactions there. He presumed that my instructor was a woman, but when I told him it was a man he instantly assumed something was mentally wrong with him. After studying the unity model I can see how my friend was acting in a very dominant manner, because he constantly questioned in trying to disprove the model in trying to affirm that his knowledge is right and superior.
When I spoke to my female friends they were open to hear what I had to say about the unity model and also had questions, but not to refute it. They were more interested in learning more and were supporting me to elaborate more. Of course they were very drawn to how a woman’s actions were not for her own selfish reasons, but for the couple. When they thought they were nagging, they now see that they just wanted to get closer to their boyfriends. Unlike the conversation that I was attempting to have with my male friend, which only lasted for about five minutes, the conversation I had with my female friends lasted far longer. One of my female friends was so fascinated that she wanted to learn more, so I gave her the address to our class notes.
The contrasting reactions from a male compared to a female exhibit how clear the unity model actually is. My male friend is obviously in a dominance state where he must challenge and have the upper hand. On the other hand my female friends wanted to know more about a model that could improve their own relationships, because they innately have a desire to conjoin with their partners.
(d) How has the
unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class
members acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have
suggestions on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
The unity model has definitely influenced my thinking, because I now can see the potential a relationship can achieve. I realize now how the many negative behaviors in a man are not permanent and that through knowledge of the unity model he can change to become a better person not only for his wife or girlfriend, but also for himself. I now can analyze my past relationships to see that I was accused when I was actually the victim of trying to become mentally intimate. A couple of my friends are in a relationship where they are giving in to their boyfriends dominance, and through informing them of this model I hope to be helping their relationships.
The benefit I think that class members will acquire from studying the unity model is that they get a better understanding for their own behaviors in a relationship. Realizing that they either should not be accused for their actions or that they need to change how they behave. Being able to learn from an informed instructor and have questions answered is more valuable than just reading the material, for every member of the class will be able to take so much more from the course. Through the oral presentations given and the projects, we are able to practice the use and observance of a couple’s interaction.
My suggestion on how to teach the unity model to couples is to have them exposed to it. I feel that it does not matter whether they have just begun to date or whether they have been married for decades, every couple should be made aware of the unity model. When parents learn of it and hopefully attain unity they would be able to teach their children by providing them a healthy example of a unity relationship, so that when they begin dating they will know how to treat each other.
The Question I am answering is
Question 11:
(a) Inspect the Outlines written by students for
this course for G25, G24, and G23 (see Prior Generations link on Class
Home Page). Select a total of 15 Related Links (or more), along with the
annotations given, that are found at the end of each Outline, choosing them in
such a way that you can organize them into three distinct topic areas,
with five links in each.
(b) Copy and paste the three sets of five links into your
report, arranged according to the three topics you made up. Put the title of
your topic in Bold, then the five links
underneath. Then list the Web addresses of the reports from which you
selected the 15 links, along with the student authors.
Dominant Related
Websites:
This
article asks men of many different professions what they think women do to
drive men away. One of the things the
author says women need to do is give their men more space. He explains that some women have a
choke-hold on their men and it is not healthy.
He also explains that men need their independence and it drives them
away when they feel they are not free to be independent. This goes directly against the Unity Model
and falls into the Dominance Model, because it encourages women to allow men to
have independent prerogatives. It also
involves woman bashing because it claims that these women have “problems” for
wanting to be united with their partners instead of independent.
Link to Angela’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-outline6.htm
Christina Delapena: “Accept Him As He Is” http://members.tripod.com/~frankysj/fwlsn03.html
This
website talks about how woman should just accept their man who he is. It claims that a man's most fundamental
need in marriage is for his wife to accept him and not try to change him. It gives several reasons why trying changing
him won't work.
Link to Christina’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/delapena/delapena-outline10.htm
Lauren Buchner:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2000/002/15.44.html
This website showcases an article about
“his” marriage. It explains why men
need marriage in their lives and how they can benefit from marriage. One of its points is that marriage infringes
on a man’s freedom, but it turns it around to say that it restrains men from
slavery to other impulses. It takes a
very religious view to marriage and I thought it would be interesting to have
another viewpoint on marriage.
Anthony Lagondino: http://www2.oprah.com/omagazine/200306/omag_200306_phil_b.jhtml
This link takes you to the Oprah Winfrey website,
with a discussion by Dr. Phil called, Dr. Phil’s
"MAN-UAL": Men Express Their Feelings through the Currency They
Value. I thought this was interesting because he brings up a lot of valid
points. One of these points being, that if you
want to know how a man really feels, pay attention to how he treats what he
values. And an important question he raises to women is, “Do you want
your man to really love you, or do you want him to love you the way you would
love you?” I think that this discussion supplements the section of Dr.
Laura’s book very well.
Link to Anthony’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lagondino/lagondino-outline6.htm
Bao Mien Lau: http://www.gillistriplett.com/marriage/wifesubmit.html
The
final website I chose is an extremely good example of the Dominance Model in
the Unity Model of Marriage. Men write to this marriage counseling site
complaining that their wives will not submit to their leadership. Dr.
David Stephens, the man who answers the complaints, resembles a male Dr.
Schlessinger. There are also links to other examples of the Dominance
Model.
Link to Bao’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lau/lau-outline1.htm
Equity Related Websites:
This article gave insight on a woman who basically
takes on all chores in the house. She
explained that she never had time for herself to practice her talents or even
develop new ones. She sat her husband
down and explained that she needed more help around the house from him and he
willingly agreed to take on the responsibilities. I found it interesting because she wanted more time to work on
her talents and her husband was understanding and thought it was a good idea
for her to do so.
Link to Makalapua’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/monteilh/monteilh-outline1.htm
Michael Malala: “Top Ten Ways to Avoid Arguing With
Your Wife” http://1stholistic.com/reading/prose/A2004/liv_top-10-ways-to-avoid.htm
This article made me laugh because I know there are
people out there who follow these guidelines. The first thing I noticed is that
there just techniques to “avoid” arguing, they don’t solve any problems that
you are having with your wife. Instead of pretending to be interested or to
shut your mouth when you want to say something you should change your thought
process and do those things because you love your wife not because you don’t
want to have an argument.
Link to Michael’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/malala/malala-outline5.htm
Paige Kim: “Men and housework” http://www.positive-way.com/men,.htm
This
site illustrates an equity model of marriage opinion. It promotes the idea that wives and husbands are happier when
chores are divided equally. Any
inequities in chore division will make the woman happy, in turn affecting the
quality of marriage for the man. It
suggests that men should do housework because it is good for their health and
will reduce their stress. I picked this
article because I thought it was a good representation of the equity model.
However, I think this article is kind of bribing a husband into doing housework
(because it is good for their health).
Husbands should take the Unity model of marriage outlook and do
housework because it pleases their wives.
Link to Paige’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/kim/kim-outline4.htm
Christine Gora: “How to build an equal marriage”
http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmbuild.html
This
internet article enhances and promotes equality in a marriage. It’s basically
stating the rights of women in a relationship and how it should be equal for
both men and women to participate as being just on the principles of individual
fulfillment. This article attempts to provide guidelines in order for a
marriage to be successful. I don’t believe entirely on this site because I feel
that the men need to relinquish their reign of thoughts and feelings in
accommodation to his wife.
Link to Christine’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-outline9.htm
Skip Saito: http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13c.htm
This
website is very helpful for couples that have problems communicating or
empathizing with each other. They
define empathy as understanding another person so well that you identify with
him/her, you feel like he/she does.
This gives a couple steps to increase their empathy for one another and
to communicate better. It also gives
levels of empathy responding. This
supports the equity model of marriage because it tells couples how to better
understand each other and change to benefit their marriage.
Link to Skip’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-outline10.htm
Unity Related Websites:
Ashlee Matsui: “Growing Marriage” http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/spiritualmarriage.htm
I choose
this website because it relates to what the first section of the unity model
is. The site contains information on how to help ones marriage grow and
form an everlasting bond. It also gives interested people resources and a
chat room to discuss their thoughts.
Link to Ashlee’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/matsui/matsui-outline1.htm
Ardith Eden Biacan: “How to Make Your Wife
Happy” http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/060314_happy_marriage.html
This
article is pretty short but it puts certain points into perspective. The first statement in this article presents
an important element of unity in marriage: the emotional/effective level. It also addresses “fairness” in marriages
which reflects reciprocity in the unity model of marriage. Although this article is short, there are
links right below it that provide even more relevant information to this
section.
Link to Ardith’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/biacan/biacan-outline2.htm
Andrea Montague: http://www.mynippon.com/MYNIPPON0707/story135.htm
I
thought this site would be a valuable part of understanding more about unity marriages
because they offer information on intimacy in marriages. There are a lot
of things that are not unity at all, such as the large amount of attention paid
to the sensorimotor aspect of the marriage. Some advice about how to deal
with certain problems are definitely helpful and other anti-unity values may
help us understand some ways of thinking which may prevent us from achieving a
happy marriage.
Link to Andrea’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/montague/montague-outline9.htm
Lisa Tabon: http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm
This
site discusses the idea of marital intimacy on an emotional, mental/social,
spiritual, and physical level. It also
includes what marital intimacy is and how we can experience it.
Link to Lisa’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/tabon/tabon-outline3.htm
Naomi Wong: http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/How_to_Make_a_Woman_Happy.aspx
This
link talks about how to make a woman happy.
It states the three A’s that a woman needs: appreciation, attention, and
affection. With these three keys, it
will strengthen the relationship so much more.
Link to Naomi’s outline: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/wong/wong-outline9.htm
(c) Give
a coherent explanation of how the three topics you constructed fit together in
relation to the Lecture Notes.
The three topics that I chose are the three phases in the unity model of marriage, which are dominance, equity, and unity. I decided to create these three categories, because I feel that these websites chosen from the previous generations will help in understanding the unity model of marriage. The five websites within each category are not derived from the unity model of marriage or from teachings of Swedenborg, however, they give perspectives similar to the three phases.
The dominant related websites are centered on the man and how his needs must be met and how women can accomplish that. Some of these sites tell of how women drive men away, a woman should just accept her man as he is, and even telling women that they need to submit to a man’s leadership. The equity related websites focuses on keeping a relationship fair and how to understand your partner better. These sites promote more empathy towards one another, start with sharing household duties, and the basic right to have equality in the relationship. The unity related websites deals with more the emotional and spiritual aspect of a relationship and how important it is to have a happy marriage. These websites focus on internal connection between a husband and wife, the emotional and mental bond, and one site even mentions mental intimacy.
The Question I am answering is
Question 13:
(a) Go to this site: www.ard.net/Inspirational/Marriage_Stages/marriage_stages.shtml
You will see a brief article The Four Distinct Stages of Marriage.
Analyze each stage in relation to the nine zones of the ennead chart. What is
missing in each stage they describe? How could their Stage 4 be modified (or Stage
5 added) in order to indicate even greater success of the marriage?
The
first stage is called the romance stage where both partners are blind to each
other’s faults due to their infatuation with believing that they have the
person of their dreams. In terms of the ennead chart I would equate this with
zone 2, because instead of focusing on who their partner really is, they chose
to believe and hold them up to a false standard. This stage has a person
thinking of their partner in a way that is their ideal and is essentially a
self-centered thought. When someone repeatedly considers a person to be one way
only to find out that they are not it will only cause disappointment and a
sense of betrayal. Once they open their eyes to truly learn about one another
they might find someone not to their liking. What is missing from this stage is
the fact that the beginning of a relationship is under the control of the man
due to the societal and traditional roles of courting. He will pick the
restaurant and the activities, while the woman follows as she is swept off her
feet.
The
second stage is the tug-of-war period of the relationship when a couple is
awakened out of the romance stage to realize the actual person they have married.
Their self-expression becomes a battleground for justifying themselves as well
as having expectations of each other that may result in rebellion. They
recognize their own individuality and destinies that they hold as supreme and
if it coincides with their partner’s then it does, and if it doesn’t then it
simply doesn’t. This stage coincides with zone 6 of the ennead chart, because
they are each “striving to justify oneself to the partner and succeeding.” This
stage is basically saying that you have to accept me because you have no
choice. This stage is equitable in that partners can express themselves, but it
lacks any negotiation and is instead just a constant fight.
The
third stage is described as when partners begin to give up on each other and start
to live a life separate from their partner to focus more on themselves. Their
paths cross every now and then and they slowly begin to respect the person for
who they are instead of trying to change them into what they want. This stage
definitely regresses down the ennead chart back to zone 5 where they start to
think that they are not right for each other. The relationship is at a delicate
point where it could either fall apart or become stronger. In the positive
aspect of this stage the couple learns to respect their partner more and is
more recognizable to what the equity model strives for. The negative aspect is
that it suggests that separation is needed in order for growth, which is not in
accordance with the unity model because the couple must grow together. Doing
things individually supports less mental intimacy when the partner is kept out
of his or her life.
The
fourth stage is a new type of romance where the couple is only beginning to
treasure each other’s interests and values more and more. In the ennead chart I
would have to say that this stage falls in zone 7, because the couple is only
starting to be driven to value each other. They are more interested in
encouraging each other and recognizing whom their partner is. What is
definitely missing is the mental intimacy between a couple and not only whether
they show interest in their partner’s likes and dislikes, but sharing a deep
mental connection that binds them physically, mentally, and emotionally. This
stage is too broadly stated for a couple follow unlike the unity model which
breaks down each stage even further to show the many aspects of a relationship.
(b) Analyze the
seven stages of marriage in this Readers Digest article on the Web: www.rd.com/openContentCategory.do?contentCategoryId=703 For
each stage, look at the list of items provided and evaluate them from the
perspective of the unity model. Be sure to analyze them or group them in terms
of the threefold self and the type of interaction (phase).
The passion stage is clearly in the sensorimotor dominance phase, where the focus is only on physical pleasure. At this time you blind yourself from your partner’s flaws and do anything to please them, under the premise that you are deeply in love. All of your focus is directed towards making your partner satisfied through physical senses.
The realization stage is relatable to sensorimotor equity, because the couple is beginning to negotiate about things. They start to question whether they are with the right person and they start to notice irritating habits about one another. Coming straight out of dominance they must now establish themselves as equals and must explain themselves to be understood, while still battling some domineering behaviors. They are building rules in the relationship to learn about each other’s boundaries.
The rebellion stage coincides with the cognitive equity phase of the unity model, because the couple is now giving each other more respect as well as receiving it in return and thus causing a power struggle. They will each still hold on to their individual thoughts and values, while learning more about their partner’s thoughts and values. They slowly feel the itch of wanting independence and may result in a couple having separate lives away from the relationship.
The cooperation stage is similar to affective equity, where a couple has accepted each other for who they are. They work together as equals, while still remaining competitive on numerous things. The household is functional is a give and take relationship where there is no dominant and no submissive partner. The couple now has a system that flows more smoothly after going through their period of figuring each other out.
The reunion stage takes place after the children leave the home and the couple’s focus is once again only on each other. I would have to equate this stage to be in between affective equity and sensorimotor unity, because they are focusing more intently on one another though they do not consider themselves to be exactly soul mates. They try to avoid interruptions during a conversation and can also have a full conversation. This stage is when a couple has the wisdom from going through dominance and equity to know who their partner is to shift from seeing them as an equal companion and move towards a more mentally intimate relationship.
The explosion stage occurs from a major event or experience. This does not focus on the couple, but is more of an external factor to the relationship. I can’t necessarily compare it to the unity model, because the interaction of the couple is not seen. Whether the event or experience is positive or negative, how the couple treats each other is the determining factor for where this stage would lie within the ennead chart.
The completion stage may possible fall under cognitive unity, because any outside factors are not their priorities. The amount of fights is at the most minimal levels it has ever reached. The well-being and happiness of your partner are your priorities above all else and their thoughts are no longer focused on themselves. The couple has endured a long time together and are still working on making their relationship better and attempting to get closer mentally more and more.
My Report on the
Current Generation:
Jamie Gomes:
Jamie’s first topic was comparing the film Prime
to 50 First Dates and then applying the ennead chart to find instances
throughout the movie that fell in any of the nine zones. She found that the
couple in Prime was in the dominant phase for the majority of the film,
because of their vast age difference and mentally at different maturities.
Their goals in life did not coincide and so their relationship was doomed to
never progress any higher than cognitive dominance. On the other hand she felt
that 50 First Dates had a couple that immediately jumped into the unity
phase skipping dominance and equity. Due to the female’s loss of a short-term
memory the male goes the distance to have her fall in love with him everyday.
Jamie goes on to write that she feels that the dominant form of movies are
accepted by society as the norm, while many of the great love stories that
reflect a unity style marriage are seen as unattainable.
Jamie then analyzes a report from the past generation
and agrees with what the student writes about the many negative portrayals in
the media are now no longer shocking, but are the standard. Our youth are
coming to age learning of the negative depictions of women and so boys
disrespect girls and girls feel as though they must objectify themselves to be
loved. She admits to never noticing the many anti-unity values within the media
and is surprised how our society consents to them. She also mentions how our
basic right to freedom of speech is backfiring with all the sex and violence
liberally shown on television. She feels that the entertainment industry has a
responsibility to what they put out for the public and that our society is
confusing more and more what is fiction and what is reality. She is appalled at
the young children she sees that act provocatively like the twenty year old
actors and singers.
Her next topic discusses a few resources of
psychological literature related to youths and the effects of the media upon
them. She then discusses the differences between sexy and unsexy conversational
styles. She applies what she learns from this to her relationship with her
boyfriend and she feels that he is not attempting to communicate better with
her, because he feels that he shouldn’t change anything. She feels that her
relationship is filled with unsexy conversational styles and her boyfriend has
no intentions of changing to make her happy. Her last topic analyzes a few
dialogues from Gender and Discourse. The benefits she takes from this
course is that the unity model can apply to every interaction and not only
relationships. In her own relationship she is now able to express herself when
before she didn’t know how to truly get across to her boyfriend what she wants
to say.
Link to Jamie’s report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gomes/gomes-409b-g26-report1.htm
Samantha Voss:
Samantha first discusses and compares the movies Prime
and A Knights Tale in accordance to the ennead chart and the nine zones.
She found that A Knights Tale displayed a more unity relationship,
because the male was constantly trying to please the female. She returned his
love, because he never tried to dominate her and he made her feel safe to speak
freely while being friendly and caring. While for the movie Prime
Samantha felt that both partners in the relationship was putting themselves
before the other, using each other for a “sexual ride.” In terms of the media’s
influence she feels that we need to start teaching respect of women to children
and to also educate them about the unity model.
For her next topic she analyzes a number of reports
from the previous generation and she finds that they too have similar views on
the media’s impact on our youths. All the students were in agreement that the
media influenced how adolescents view themselves and that education is the way
to change. Parents have a responsibility to inform their children on how to
behave appropriately and how to treat others, because they are their role
models and if they don’t set an example their children will find an unsuitable
role model. Personally as a child she was never exposed to a lot of media and
grew up under the heavy influence of her family. Her family has taught her to
respect others and she can see the impact of the media in her boyfriend’s
family. Being from an area near LA she gets shocked whenever she visits home at
all the materialistic driven girls.
She then lists a few websites on research of the
media’s influence on society and then she discusses disjunctive and conjunctive
verbal interactions. Within her own relationship she is confident in saying
that her boyfriend interacts with her in a very conjunctive way. She feels that
if the situation were disjunctive they would not have lasted as long as they
have been together presently. For her last topic she analyzes dialogue taken
from Gender and Discourse according to the unity model. What Samantha takes
away from this class is a greater appreciation for the loving boyfriend she has
in her life and the admirable marriage of her parents.
Link to Samantha’s report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/voss/voss-409b-g26-report1.htm
Advice to Future
Generations:
This course is a very educational one and while the
course work may seem overwhelming at first, the knowledge that you take from
this course is well worth the labor. The reports are not to be taken lightly
and especially not put off, because Dr. James provides more than ample time for
you to organize and write out an excellent report. Every portion of the report
assists you in furthering your understanding of the unity model of marriage and
so every sentence written should be significant. To get the full benefit of the
course you need to read all the assigned pages and attend every class, because
you will get docked points for missing a class. No excuses. The first
impression of the course is overwhelming, but once you get into the habit of
doing outlines and giving presentations the class is very enjoyable. So don’t
procrastinate and upload your files.
The most valuable thing you will get out of this course
is not only a better understanding of how to interact with your romantic
partner, but a healthier way to approach and interact with others. Within my
own relationship I would have the hardest time trying to express my feelings
and thoughts to my boyfriend, but after taking this course I know how to
communicate better in a way that will not make him feel like I am attacking
him. Understanding the uniqueness of each gender is a lesson that you can take
everywhere you go.
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kwon/kwon-home.htm