PSY 409b March 29, 2007

Men’s Dominance

By: Jane Kwon

Instructions for this activity can be found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/g26-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Coleman, Joshua Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin’s Press). Reviewing pages 160 to 180.

James, Leon. (2007). Lecture Notes on The Unity Model of Marriage for G26. Section 15 and 16.

Online at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

Part I:

• Communicating in Marriage:
• Listening:
• Women: use more eye contact, ask more questions, and are more engaging by smiling, laughing, and agreeing.
• Men: give advice, make statements, challenge to feel like an equal or superior.
• Men DO listen, but just in a different way.
• Biologically more testosterone has been correlated with less eye contact.
• Asking for help:
• Men: a sign of weakness and vulnerability
• Women: connect through the disclosure of vulnerabilities
• Rank, housework, and parenting:
• The first step to change is by understanding him and realizing how the traditional roles of housework may affect his ego as a man.
• Ask, don’t tell:
• Men don’t want to be told what to do and be made to feel like they are being forced to do a task that is below their capabilities.
• You have to approach it in a manner that makes him feel like he is doing it because he wants to, not because you told him to.
• Negotiate standards:
• He uses the example of parenting.
• Men: interaction with children is excitement and stimulation oriented, and will not constantly be actively interacting with them at all times.
• Women see this as neglect and bad parenting.
• Women: are ruining the relationship the father has with their children by having him do everything the way she wants it.
• She needs to step back and accept that he has a different way of doing things and letting him figure it out on his own will increase his bond with the child.
• And he may even do more housework.
• Managing without being a micromanager:
• Women have to be the manager of the house, but find a balance between not being too demanding and not being too submissive.

o Sex:

o Men rank sex as the top causes of marital satisfaction.

o For men sex is scarce, while women have more accessibility.

o The difference in availability accounts for the differing views on sex.

o Men express and experience their deepest emotions through lovemaking.

o For women the sex drive decreases after children and if you want to see the most change a semi active sex life will contribute.

o Women have a more sexual desire for men that do more housework, and men that receive more sex show more interest in doing housework.

o Strategies around sex:

§ Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis: Nike phrase “Just do it”

§ If you want to increase or maintain harmony and cooperation with your husband, you should have sex regardless of your mood.

§ Once you get started most women will become interested.

o Ways to boost your sex drive:

§ Make sure your getting enough rest and support

§ Don’t worry so much about the kids

§ Seek treatment if you have depression

§ Work on romance

§ Get help for past abuse or molestation

o If he’s the one with the low sex drive:

§ Be empathetic and encourage him to talk about his feelings and if that doesn’t work prioritize what other things are good in the marriage.

Part II:

• Communication in Marriage:

o In terms of the unity model of marriage, the relationship is fully matured in the dominance phase, because the wife constantly has to consider her husband’s feelings and thoughts over her own.

§ Dr. Coleman supports dominance, because he is basically telling women to accept how their husbands are and the only way to see change is through changing themselves to cater to their husbands needs.

· In terms of the Ennead chart:

· Zone 1(sensorimotor dominance): he will use less eye contact because it is biological and women need to recognize this fact and accept it

· Zone 2 (cognitive dominance): traditionally the wife is expected to take care of all household duties, while the husband only maintains his position as the breadwinner and so the wife should ask nicely if he would want to help her

· Zone 3 (affective dominance): the wife has to put aside her feelings to accommodate his and ensure that she is not upsetting or hurting his feelings.

§ The husband doesn’t have to sacrifice any of his beliefs, but a wife should if she wants a happy husband.

- Sex:

o In terms of the unity model, this is blatant sexual blackmail.

§ Related to the Ennead chart this is clearly in the dominance phase:

§ Zone 1: having sex whenever the man is in the mood

§ Zone 2: he needs sex so he has a higher marital satisfaction and men have a biological need to spread their seed

§ Zone 3: the woman’s mood is irrelevant and she needs to do things to increase her sex drive so that she can further please her husband

o In reading The Lazy Husband Dr. Coleman for the most part encourages an equity marriage, but after reading these last pages he seems no different than Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Related Links:

1. How to communicate in a marriage.

http://www.familydynamics.net/Communication.htm

This site highlights rules to good communication in a marriage stating that lack of communication is not only a problem, but bad communication is one as well. The rules listed are from six strong families: allow enough time, listen, check it out, get inside the other person’s world, keep the monsters in late-might movies, and keep it honest. Through their experiences these families have learned to eliminate unhealthy methods of communication for more beneficial ones.

2. Good marital communication.

http://www.aish.com/family/marriage/Communication_-_the_Key_to_a_Good_Marriage.asp

This site offers advice on communication in marriage by suggesting a more direct approach of saying what you want rather than playing a guessing game and then later blaming the other for not knowing intuitively. Letting the other person speak and actually listening can also alleviate many problems and open doors to realizing how much in common you actually have with your spouse. It coincides with the unity model on the aspect that communication is a way of creating oneness and quotes a Jewish scholar that wrote, “Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one … and not an independent limb.”

3. Sex beyond the physical act.

http://www.boloji.com/family/00122.htm

The writer Meera Chowdhry looks at sex in a marriage beyond the physical act and recognizes the mental role required for a satisfying sexual relationship. She quotes another author who writes, “The foreplay is outside the bedroom.” She feels that the pleasure experienced through sex is just a by-product. The desire one feels for their spouse is created not from a physical craving, but from a love and care for another’s emotions. Chowdhry is on the right track with the unity model, but takes a more general approach to the dynamics of the relationship.

My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kwon/kwon-home.htm

Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm