Report 1
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By Nicole May
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm
G26 Lecture notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Introduction:
This report is for the class, Psychology 409b: The Unity Model of Marriage taught by Dr. Leon James. The lecture notes for this class can be read above. “G26” means that our class is the 26th generation of students who have taken this course with Dr. James. The instructions for this report can also be clicked on above, and will give you an idea of what this report, “Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse and Behavior in Couples,” is about. For an overview, Report 1 is about disjunctive ways in which couples engage in discourse and behaviors with each other. Most couples using disjunctive behaviors are in the dominance and equity phases of their relationship and will not be able to be unified because of these behaviors. It is in the unity phase where conjunctive behaviors are mostly seen, and thus the couple is happy and unified with each other in eternal heaven.
Section A below will begin this report and will further discuss the issues of disjunctive and conjunctive behaviors by using the Ennead Chart to help you understand how a couple moves through the stages of their relationship. The chart has nine stages, having three stages, sensorimotor, cognitive and affective in each of the three phases of the relationship, dominance, equity and unity. By using two movies, Prime and The Notebook, I compare and contrast these couples’ interactions according to this ennead chart. I also discuss how movies like these can positively and negatively impact the youth of society, and disjunctive behaviors shown in the media, give youth the idea that it is ok to act in this way with your significant other. Several other sections of this report will further discuss disjunctive behaviors and how the media helps to send out the wrong messages to children as well as adults in our society today.
Section A: Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead
Chart:
“Basic Ennead Chart of Interactions”
Table Found at http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#ennead-chart
This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
The ennead chart above shows the sequence of stages that a couple goes through in their relationship, starting with the 1st section, sensorimotor dominance and working all the way up to the 9th section, affective unity. The first phase of their relationship is called dominance, where the couple acts, (sensorimotor), thinks, (cognitive) and feels, (affective) according to the husband. Society, tradition and culture enforces the concept that the male is the one who is dominant and in control of the relationship. The wife is then taught to submit to the dominance of the husband and to please him in any way she can. Through stages 1, 2, and 3, the wife is placed second to the husband, and is not given an opportunity to express her thoughts and feelings.
If the man decides to move a step further away from dominance, the couple will enter the equity phase. Stages 4, 5 and 6 show negotiated interactions where the couple will argue and compromise with each other to achieve some sort of equality or balance. But in reality, they are not equal and the man slips back into the dominance model whenever he feels like it. In order for the couple to move forward in their relationship, the man has to get rid of his cognitive and affective dominance, as well as his independence so he can become conjoined with her and dependent on her.
The last phase is unity, and this level can only be reached if the man conjoins with his wife and achieves mental intimacy with her. To begin at stage 7, the man is still thinking from the external first. It is still possible for him to slip back into dominance. But if he is enlightened and wants to become one with his wife, he will start thinking like women do, and will act affectively first. It is only from stage 9 that husband and wife can truly become conjoined and unified with each other, and thus are united for eternity.
I will discuss two movies, one showing mostly disjunctive anti-unity behaviors and the other showing more positive conjunctive behaviors, and compare these couple’s interactions with the ennead chart. The first movie is Prime, starring Uma Thurman, Merill Streep and Byan Greenberg. The second movie is The Notebook, starring Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, James Garner and Gena Rowlands.
A. Prime and The
Notebook
Prime is about a 37yr old divorcee named Rafi, who has relations with a 23yr old Jewish boy named Dave. Shortly after Rafi and Dave meet, they date and soon engage in sex. Rafi tells her therapist her innermost thoughts about her situation with Dave, and how she is embarrassed about the age difference. The therapist encourages this relationship to help Rafi have some fun and move on from her ex-husband. What the therapist does not know, but soon finds out, is that the man Rafi is sleeping with, is her son. The lust affair gets more complicated shortly after everyone finds out about the therapist-son family relations.
The stress from being from two different religious backgrounds puts a hold on their relationship, as well as the fact that there is a huge difference in their age. They try to make it work but in reality, Dave can not give Rafi what she needs in a relationship. They both decide to agree to disagree, and break things off. In the end they both know that they had something special with each other, but it was not enough to allow an adequate relationship to grow from it.
The Notebook is about two young teenagers, Allie and Noah, who fall in love with each other, despite the fact that Allie’s family is from high social status and Noah is of lower status. The couple becomes inseparable and they share everything with each other. Even though they have their arguments, Noah and Allie are closer than most other couples their age. Allie’s parents separate them at the end of the summer and act like it was just a summer fling. Several years later, Allie gets engaged to a man of equal status as her. Before she gets married though, Allie unites with Noah once again, and realizes that her heart still belongs to him. In their elder years together, Allie suffers from memory loss, and Noah reads her their life story every day, in hopes that she would remember. In the end, they die together in each other’s arms, uniting their souls once again.
B. Analysis using the ennead chart
Using the different stages of the ennead chart, I will compare and contrast these two movies and show that one has more disjunctive behaviors than the other.
Male Supremacy
(Stages 1, 2, 3)
Prime:
In the male dominance phase, society and culture play a significant role in couple’s relationships. In the movie Prime, Dave’s family is Jewish, which Rafi is not. Since Dave’s family believes that religion is very important, and that he should be with a girl who believes the same religion that he does, the tension between, Dave, his family and Rafi ultimately causes great distress to the relationship. By letting the family get in between the couple’s thoughts and actions, dominance is ruling their relationship.
On a physical level, Rafi and Dave had sex before they had mental intimacy with each other. It seems that Rafi did not mind this sexual black mail, thus showing that neither of them was conjoined with each other. Also, Rafi does not have total confidence in Dave’s capabilities as more than a “short time” mate. She continuously tells her therapist that she knows that Dave “can not give her what she needs” due to his young age. However, after losing his job, Rafi allows Dave to move in with her. He does not contribute money towards the expenses, nor does he clean up after himself. He plays video games instead of spending time with her and acts like an immature boy instead of the caring, enlightened man he should be.
The Notebook:
In The Notebook, when Allie and Noah first started talking, he asked her to dance with him even though there was no music. They could not have had mental intimacy yet for they just met, so this is an example of a sensorimotor interaction. They loved being with each other and soon developed cognitive intimacy by talking about poetry and other mind stimulating conversations.
In the dominance phase, family and tradition also gets in the way of Noah and Allie’s relationship. Because they are not of equal status, Allie’s family’s disapproval causes them to fight several times. When they fight, Noah does express some dominance with Allie. In the instance where he overheard Allie’s parents tell her that he is not good enough for her, he told Allie that it’s not going to work out between them because he will never have the status that she has. They get into a fight and Allie breaks up with him, pushes him into his truck and tells him to leave. Then she tries to get reassurance from him that they really aren’t over, but he just drives away instead of making things better with her.
Later in the story when they get back together, they start fighting again because Allie was now engaged to someone else, but still loves Noah. Allie tells him that she hates him, and instead of diffusing the fight, Noah shows dominance and says, “I hate you too. If you leave me, I’ll hate you.” Hate is such a strong word to say, and by fighting back with Allie instead of easing her mental distress shows Noah in the dominance phase of their relationship.
Negotiations of
equality (Stages 4, 5, 6)
Prime:
In the equity phase, Rafi and Dave start to negotiate more and thus they start fighting with each other. In one instance, Dave brings his friend over to the apartment, even though Rafi asked him not to bring anyone over. She becomes upset because not only did he dismiss her request, but he tried to hide his friend in the closet and lie about having anyone over. Rafi tells Dave that it is not fair that she does all the work and all he does is stay home all day. She makes a comment about him being like a pre-schooler and he becomes angry. He dares to bring up the fact that he is not like her ex husband and is not cheating on her. Instead of easing her mental distress, he just added more to it.
Dave reverts to the dominance model again by yelling back at her and then storming out of the apartment saying that if she wants to control something she should get a dog. He calls her to try and make things better and when he goes to a club with his friend, all he can do is think of Rafi and how much he misses her. But soon after, he reverts back to dominance and ends up listening to his friend’s advice to sleep with another woman that Rafi knows. Despite Dave’s efforts to negotiate and make things better, male dominance once again rules over the man’s actions.
The Notebook:
Since Allie and Noah argued a lot, they were in the equity stage (4, 5, and 6), because soon after they would fight, they would negotiate to make things better. Noah did slip back into the dominance phase though, allowing Noah to be angered and storm off when they fought. Even though they fought, Noah continued to show his love and support for Allie, trying to be her equal. They were always together, (sensorimotor equity), he made her laugh with his witty remarks, (cognitive equity) and showed her that culture and status could not stop them from loving each other, (affective equity). But because they were so young, Allies parents were able to pull them away from each other.
When they were united again, they started to fight once more. Noah tells her to stay with him instead of going back to her fiancé. She says “Why? Look we are already fighting.” And Noah responds that fighting is what they do. It is inevitable that they fight, (which does not occur in unity), but their fights do not last long. He tells her that it is going to be hard for them to be together but he is willing to make it work because he wants to be with her. In the end Allie realizes that Noah is who her heart belongs to and they are together again, taking the next step into the unity phase of their relationship.
United Forever
(Stages 7, 8, 9)
Prime:
Even though Dave expresses his sincere apologies and vows to give Rafi every thing she wants and needs, Rafi knows that the age difference will not allow him to be the father of her children. Dave is willing to give her a child, but is not financially stable and thus Rafi ends the relationship before they can even get to the unity phase. They were passionately connected by sex but were not mentally intimate with each other. With out this mental intimacy, conjunction can not occur and thus, Dave and Rafi could not be unified as one.
The Notebook:
Allie and Noah on the other hand had mental intimacy with each other. Even though they were not physically together, they were connected by mind. While Noah was with another woman, he did not give his all to her and used dominance to just have sex with her because his love still belonged to Allie. He wrote her a letter every day for a year showing his commitment but Allie’s mother hid the letters and thus, Allie was forced to move on thinking that Noah gave up. Even though Allie found another man who was suitable for her, she still had her mind on Noah. That is why she went to go see Noah before she got married to Lon. Their connection was so strong that even though they were with other people, they still were with each other spiritually.
Another aspect that showed they were in unity was that they achieved cognitive and mental intimacy before they had sex. While they were first together, the almost had sex, but Allie pulled away because she knew she was not completely ready. Noah respected this and did not push the issue. It was not until several years later that they had sex for the first time, and this physical union was only enhanced by the mental intimacy that they had. Noah made her feel special and gave her flowers, and set up a place for her to continue her passion, which was painting. Even as they were older, Noah still made romantic dinners for Allie to show that she still was the love of his life, even though she doesn’t remember at times.
Also they show cognitive and affective unity when Allie asked Noah if he believed that she was a bird in another life. She made him say that she was a bird, and he did as she asked. She then said “Now say you are a bird,” and his loving response was, “If you’re a bird, then I’m a bird,” showing that no matter what, they would be together forever. In the end, even though Allie suffered from memory loss, her affective self allowed her to be connected once again to Noah. He devotedly stayed by her side through out their marriage, and when others put them down, he stayed strong. Finally Allie remembered how much she loved Noah, and their souls were completely united again. They peacefully died together in each others arms and entered into eternity together as one unified, conjoined couple.
C. How movies can
influence youth
I have always thought that movies could influence society’s thoughts and actions. It is very obvious that many people, especially kids, mimic what they see in movies and on TV. The Notebook is a movie that young females love, and sometimes people feel that it is overrated because true love like this does not exist often in society today. But the reason why I picked this movie is because it allows younger generations to see that loving spiritual relationships really can be achieved. By watching this movie, the notation of finding true love is embedded into the minds of females, and even males can see that they too can find spiritual love with someone without expressing pure domination like society tells them to. As society strives to teach youth about dominance and sex, spiritual love like this allows people to be reminded that unity is what should be achieved.
If a child was to only watch the movie Prime, and not the Notebook, they will probably grow up thinking that it is ok for men and women to live together without being married, to have sex with each other right after they meet, and for them to fight, and storm off on each other like they really don’t care. The message that younger generations are getting is that disjunctive behavior is acceptable and desired. Psychologically, whatever a child learns growing up, from the media or family members, is what they believe is the truth. Most children will not question authority, and will just believe what they are told. At a certain age, their minds are impressionable and society needs to be careful what they allow children to be exposed to or else unhealthy marriages and relationships will continue to exist.
I have witnessed a boy push a girl to the ground because she
would not do what he wanted her to do.
When I asked him why he did that, he said, “That’s what boys are suppose
to do when girls are bad and don’t listen.
I’m a pirate and that’s what pirates do.” Obviously the Pirates of the
Section B: Findings of a Prior Generation:
A. “Effects of Gender
Portrayals on Younger Generations”
In the previous generation, students discussed Anti-Unity Values and how they are portrayed in the media today. The complete list of AUVs can be found here: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209. Basically what AUVs represent are ways that the man and the woman are not engaging in mental intimacy with each other. According to the previous generation, many songs, TV. shows and movies express AUVs and since they have become so frequently used, it is now almost accepted by society to live by these values.
Laura Moa, http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm , talks about a “double standard” that occurs in society when the men are praised for being a “player,” but if a woman engages in the same types of actions that the men do, she is seen as a “whore” or a “slut” and is frowned upon. She also describes how men are labeled as “whipped” if they listen to their wives and start living for the betterment of their marriage instead of the betterment of his friendships. Whipped men are seen as weak, and dominant men are seen as strong.
This type of outlook that society has is influential to the way younger generations portray members of the opposite sex. Moa explains that youth will mimic people they look up to, and those they consider to be their “heroes.” Rappers for example are becoming well known and are admired by many youth through out the country. The lyrics to their songs however show “extreme disjunctive language toward women,” says Moa. The more the youth listen to these messages, the more they will think it is ok to treat their loved ones this way.
Katie Ide, http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm , also agrees that music can have a negative influence on kids. Music and movies are now considered to be major sources of communication and if the media is communicating to these children that it is ok for men to dominate women, then they will tend to act this way with their lovers when they grow older. Young boys are striving to be “pimps” and young girls are thinking that this is ok. When they get older, they will continue to act in this way because society and the media approves of it.
Ide also discusses how the media makes girls feel like they need to be 98 pounds and have fake boobs in order to be pretty and accepted in society. Songs help portray these messages by saying that girls are only hot if they look a certain way, and are thus viewed as sexual objects, and are not beautiful by any means other than what is on the outside. Ide states that AUVS are every where and people are not thinking about how much these disjunctive messages are influencing their children. People understand to a certain extent that the media does have some influence, but I don’t think people really realize just how much children are brain washed by these “role models.”
Crystal Bulda’s, http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm report supports what Ide says by saying that many kids today act and pretend to be adults. Young girls wear makeup and wear revealing clothes because the media tells them that this is what a girl should do in order to be accepted in society. Girls are told that they should be skinny and “hot” that way they can be attractive to boys. It really is crazy to see how many young boys are dressing like “pimps” and how many young girls are dressing like “pop stars.” I don’t understand how their parents can be ok with this, but I guess it’s because society tells them that it is acceptable for this to occur.
Many people believe that children act in this way because of the increase in access to media and less attention and education from the parents. Christine Gora, http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm , states that many girls are getting pregnant at younger ages and thus decreasing the age difference between parent and child. To me, if the parent is young they will have a harder time controlling the actions of their children, especially if the youth watches TV. or listens to music. Since the parent is young they are still learning things out for themselves and may have a harder time teaching their kids about the fallacies of the media, because they themselves still practice the AUVs that society portrays.
B. My Reactions to their findings
I agree with the findings of the prior generation and was shocked by some of the things that they discussed in their reports. For example Gora explains that she knew a girl who had three children with a man who was married to someone else. I could not believe that a woman would be so naďve to let a man control her, impregnate her (3 times) and continue to keep her on the side while he is married to someone else. This girl obviously did not have the support that she needed for her friends and family and did not have a childhood that taught her that this was wrong. I’m sure she knew to some degree, but obviously she felt that it was acceptable enough by society’s standards to stay in this unhealthy relationship. This just shocks me.
I also was shocked to read Ide’s
findings on “sexual bracelets” that teenage girls wear to show how far they
have gotten with boys. Yellow means a
hug, Purple means a kiss, Red means a lap dance, Blue means oral sex, and Black
means intercourse. The report can be found
here: http://www.nbc10.com/news/2619696/detail.html. I can’t believe that children this young are being taught that it is a
fashion statement to wear these bracelets.
I guess it just goes to show why young girls are getting pregnant so
young. In my high school class of close
to 500 students, I can not even begin to tell you how many people have kids
already. We were called the “baby boom”
class because by senior year, and the first year after we graduated, many
babies were already born.
A co-worker of mine,
who is a nurse, told me about an 11 yr old girl who gave birth to her first
child because her mother did not believe in birth control. A year later, this girl had another kid, and
although the mother is to blame for not giving her child birth control, yet
alone the proper education to know that she shouldn’t be having sex that young
anyway, society is also to blame for teaching these kids that sex is something
that should be experienced by all. I
agree that it is, but no one places emphasis on the fact that they should be
mentally intimate first before they engage in sex. Let’s be honest, 11 yr olds do not have the
capacity to be that mentally intimate with someone. They are more concerned about what clothes to
wear and what the next cool thing to buy is.
Wake up parents and
start taking responsibility for your children, because if you don’t, the media
will, and we all know how that will turn out.
Let’s look at MTV’s show, Engaged and Underage. So many parents do not agree with the fact
that their underage children are getting married, but they do not do anything
to stop them. Despite their
disapprovals, they support their children’s decision and allow the marriage to
take place. The kids obviously do not
have the proper knowledge to know that they are just too young, and that they
do not have the conjunction needed to be unified, because if they did, they
would not be fighting. The only reason
that MTV is airing their story is because they have drama, and we all know,
violence, sex and drama sells.
In one episode, a couple had bachelor/bachelorette parties and were seduced by strippers. This really made me think, because most men and women feel the urge to have one last fling before they are “tied down to one person forever.” Why would people put themselves through this mental agony? If they are about to be married, they should have a mental picture of their lover in their head saying that their partner would not approve of this disjunctive behavior. I told my boyfriend that if he and I were to get married, there would be no bachelor/bachelorette parties. He agreed that it is an unhealthy tradition and that he would not need to have one last “hurrah” before we were unified. Hopefully everyone who watches shows like this will not be influenced to think that just because people on TV do it, that it is ok for everyone else to.
C. How the media affects me
After learning more about how the media affects people like
me, I decided to take a look at some songs that I have listened to, to see if
disjunctive messages are portrayed. The
“Thong Song” by Sisqo, “Magic Stick” by Lil Kim, and “Shake your moneymaker” by Ludacris,
all promote sex and show that women are only seen as sex objects. “Hoes in different area codes” and “You’s a Hoe,” also by Ludacris
degrade women and teach men that it is ok to be players, especially if the
women are in different area codes. I
personally used to like
Now even woman singers are promoting these anti-unity values by singing songs like “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me,” by The Pussycat Dolls. Songs like “Dirty” by Christina Aguilera, which says “Sweat'n til my clothes come off” and Brittney Spears’s “I’m a Slave for you,” all show that these hot role models promote seducing men, being sexual and being men’s slave are the new cool things to do. I admit that while I was single, I have been influenced by songs like these to get dressed up and go out dancing with my friends because it makes you feel good to know that men are checking you out. I now realize how much I let society degrade me and influence me to think that I am not desirable unless I’m sexually seducing men.
On MTV’s Total Request Live, the top songs that are requested every day mostly all have anti-unity values. On March 13, 2007’s show, the top five songs were 5. Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend, 4. Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around, 3. Christina Aguilera – Candyman, 2. Hilary Duff - With Love and 1. Beyonce & Shakira - Beautiful Liar. I could write many more pages to discuss how this influences youth but since I do not usually watch TRL, I will talk about the songs on the radio, which I listen to everyday, and give you the chance to find out for yourself why these songs/music videos are disjunctive.
On the radio station, 102.7 Da
bomb, some of the top songs are 1. Lloyd/Lil'Wayne
– You, 2. Pretty Ricky - On the Hotline, 3. Omarion - Ice
Box, 4. Nelly Furtado - Say It Right, 5. MIMS
- This Is Why I'm Hot, 6. Jim Jones - We Fly High (Remix), and 7. Beyonce –
Irreplaceable. These songs talk
about “Lovin is pimpin,”
how women are only good for sex, “Lets Talk A Lil
Phone Sex Baby On The Hotline”, how men sometimes can’t give their all to women
because they have been hurt, “Ice box where my heart use to be,” how men are
not important to women, “No you don't mean nothing at all to me,” how money is
important and to be hot, you need to be fly, and how men seem to think that
they are irreplaceable thus they can treat woman however they want to.
I now am going to be more aware of the songs that I listen to and make sure that I do not get influenced by society as much as I have before this class.
D. Related literature
and research
Disney:
Are Disney Movies Poisoning Our Youth? http://www.x-entertainment.com/messages/187.html
The topic of movies influencing youth can be seen in even movies that are suppose to be “innocent.” The famous Disney movies are a perfect example. There are so many subliminal messages that are in these movies that promote sex and anti unity values. Most characters come from broken families. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel does not have a mother, Cinderella has an evil step mother who promotes women being slaves, Princess Jasmine in Aladin does not have a mother either, and the list goes on.
Many couples fight in these movies, and display anti-unity values and disjunctive interactions. There are also a lot of references to sex and if it is coming from Disney, chances are that children will think that it is ok to follow in these character’s footsteps. In the website, Are Disney Movies Poisoning Our Youth?, there are several pictures and examples of Disney sending disjunctive subliminal messages. If you do not believe this article, I encourage you to re-watch all the classic Disney movies because I can vouch for the fact that there are messages in there that will most likely influence the youth who watch it. It is sad to see that my favorite movies are corrupted but I’m not that shocked considering all that I have learned about the media’s influence on society.
“Media Influence
on Youth”:
Crisis Connection, Girls, Women + Media Project . http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/teens/mediainfluence.htm
In this site, you can find a lot of statistics that show that the media has a big impact on youth. “The average young TV viewer will see about 14,000 references to sex each year. Of the roughly 14,0000 references to sex a teen will see on TV each year, only a small fraction (165) will include any reference to abstinence or delay of sex, birth control, risk of pregnancy, or sexually transmitted disease.” It is really sad to here these kinds of statistics but it is good to be aware of things like this.
Besides sexual references, unhealthy body image is also
talked about. “In a 1992 study of female students at
With regards to degrading women, this site states, “Use of words derogatory to girls and women like "bitch," "slut," "whore," and "ho" can be heard on many TV and radio programs, especially those watched and listened to by kids, including WWF (wrestling) programs, That 70’s Show, and Boston Public, as well as on the radio.” There are so many different instances where disjunction and dominance are shown throughout the media. Taking a look at this website will only further support the fact that the media has lots of control over our society.
Section C: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal
Interactions:
A. To
be Sexy or Unsexy, That is the question
According to Dr. Leon James’s Lecture notes on the Unity Model of Marriage, men tend to use unsexy conversational styles with their wives and girlfriends. “A sexy conversational style for the husband or boyfriend refers to whether his thoughts are focused on self, the topic or the wife.” If the man is focusing on himself and not his wife, he is being unsexy and thus is creating disjunction. The man needs to focus on his wife and become interested in the topics that she focuses on. He must also show that he is having a good time with her and make her feel like he is really her best friend and soul mate, and not just a sexual lover. If he can achieve this, he will be more sexy with his wife, and conjunction can occur.
Dr. James states that the most unsexy thing a man can do is to disagree with his wife. By doing this, the intimacy is broken and disjunctive interactions occur. To be conjugial partners, there can be NO disagreements. “Learning a sexy conjugial conversational style with the wife is therefore the husband’s first big task.” He must act like he is on a permanent date with his wife and treat her how he did when they first started dating. To be open and dependent on his wife will allow dominance to fade and conjunction to occur.
B. Opinion about the
definition above and its relevance to my environment
I agree that men should learn to be more sexy with their interactions with women. If they did, relationships would be stronger and would last longer. I also know that it will be hard for men to learn these conjunctive behaviors because society has instilled disjunctive behaviors for so long. It takes a lot of time and effort for the man to slowly change his ways, and it takes a lot of support and patience from the woman to help guide her man into the unity phase.
When my boyfriend and I first started going out, he was very dominant because his father was like this with his mother. He grew up knowing pain and neglect, and witnessed psychological and emotional abuse. Even though he says that he did not want to be like his father, he instinctively acted that way. Slowly, I showed him that he does not need to be angry all the time and that by changing his way of thinking, he can be happier with life, and his relationships with others. It does take time but if the man really wants to change, he will.
Before, if I was stressed out about homework, he would not help to ease my stress, and would just sit and watch TV while I complained about not having enough time to make dinner because I had to meet a deadline. We would end up fighting because of this. Now that we have grown closer, he takes the time to ease my stress. In fact, since he knew that I was stressed out about this report, he made dinner for me before I got home, gave me massages while I typed and encouraged me to keep going when I was ready to give up and just turn this in late. When I think about the guy that he use to be, it seems like they are two different people. This class has helped us to change our thoughts and actions and has allowed use to use more conjunctive interactions with each other.
C. Snippets from Gender and Discourse
From Deborah Tannen’s book, Gender and Discourse, we can read several snippets were the husband interacts disjunctively with his wife.
The following example is of an unsexy, disjunctive conversation between a wife and her husband. Pg. 145-146
Marianne: (searchingly) Has something happened, Johan?
Johan: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I swear.
Marianne: We’re pretty honest with each other, you and
Johan: I think so.
Marianne: It’s awful to go around bottling up things. One must speak out, however painful it is. Don’t you think?
Johan: (Irritably) Hell, yes. What time is it?
Marianne:
Johan: My watch is always stopping. What were you saying? Oh yes, honesty. I suppose you mean over sex, to put it bluntly.
Marianne: Sometimes I think we…
Johan: People can’t always live cheek by jowl. It would be too tiring.
Marianne: Yes, that is the big question.
Johan: Anyway, I must go now.
Here the wife Marianne is trying to talk to her husband about their problems and how she feels that he is not being open with her, and keeping the communication lines shut. This is disjunctive behavior because he is not respecting the topic that she has brought up, and is focusing on himself and not his wife. In Dr. Leon James’s lecture notes we learn that when a man keeps his thoughts to his self, he is trying to keep his independence and is not allowing mental intimacy with his wife to occur. She feels left in the dark and feels unloved.
If Johan took the time to listen to what Marianne had to say and let her know how he felt about it, she would feel that he cares more. By respecting her feelings, he would engage in the conversation with her, and agree to everything that she is talking about. He must now be more open with her that way he eases her mental distress, and allows her to feel loved again. By doing this he is allowing conjunction to occur. Also by being open about topics such as sex, he is relaying to his wife that she is not just a sexual object to her, and that he wants to take the time to please her in any way that he can because being unified means mental intimacy comes first.
In this next snippet we will examine the way a man can think conjunctively and disjunctively by saying the simple word, “Ok.”
Pg. 185- 186
A couple had the following conversation:
Wife: John’s having a party. Wanna go?
Husband: Ok
Wife: I’ll call and tell him we’re coming.
Tannen explains that there are two things that the husband was possibly thinking when he said “ok.” The first is “My wife wants to go to this party, since she asked. I’ll go to make her happy.” The second is “My wife is asking if I want to go to a party. I feel like going so I’ll say yes.” The first is an example of being conjunctive. He is putting his wife’s thoughts and feelings before his and conjunctively agrees to go with her to the party. In the second, he is thinking of himself first, and this is being disjunctive because he is only agreeing to go because HE wants to go.
Later, the same couple had this conversation:
Wife: Are you sure you want to go to the party?
Husband: Ok, let’s not go. I’m tired anyway.
From this Tannen states another two ways of thinking. First, “It sounds like my wife doesn’t really want to go, since she’s asking about it again. I’ll say I’m tired, so we don’t have to go, and she won’t feel bad about preventing me from going.” The second is, “Now that I think about it again, I don’t really feel like going to a party because I’m tired.”
The first one seems more like a conjunctive thought because he perceives that his wife is indirectly telling him that she does not want to go anymore, and even though he wants to go, he will think of his wife first and agree not to go. In the second one, the husband is being disjunctive because he is thinking of himself first, and takes back the statement earlier that he wanted to go.
However, even though the first one is more conjunctive, the husband should have communicated more with his wife instead of assuming that she was indirectly saying she didn’t want to go. She could have asked him if he wanted to go one more time to receive reassurance that he really wanted to go. If he was more open and asked her about her thoughts on the issue before he acted, then he would have been conjunctive to agree to stay home if she stated she didn’t want to go. By assuming what her intentions are could get him in trouble and could cause disjunctive interactions even though he meant it to be more conjunctive.
Section D: Conclusion and Advice to Future
Generations:
A. What I learned so far
I have learned so much about how society really influences us and how majority of the time, we do not even question what society tells us. By taking this class I have learned about the negative bias and the positive bias way of thinking and that by allowing yourself to change the way you think and perceive things, it allows you to open your mind, body and soul to a new life.
Although I may not agree with all the anti unity values, I do agree with most of them and realize how damaging they can be to a relationship. I also agree with disjunctive and conjunctive behaviors, thoughts and feelings and that by learning about it in this class, I have changed the way that I have approached certain obstacles, trying to be more conjunctive in my dealings. In return, my boyfriend feeds off of this change, and engages in conjunctive actions as well. We are not at the unity stage yet because he does slip into the dominance phase from time to time, but he is quick to learn from it and make changes to make sure he does not do it again.
Overall, I am glad that I have taken this class because it has opened me up to new ideas about relationships that I didn’t really think about before. I think this class is beneficial to everyone who takes it, even if they do not agree so much in the spiritual aspect because there are still many parts of this class that can be taken and applied to relationships, and friendships as well. Hopefully I will continue to learn more about my self and my relationship with my boyfriend and engage more in conjunctive unity interactions. One day maybe we will get this right and reach unity, but only time will tell.
B. DON’T PROCRASTINATE
I know every single person that has ever written this report has said “do not procrastinate,” and it was for good reason. I can honestly say that I am the biggest procrastinator ever, and I thought I could do the same things I have always done, for this report. Don’t do what I did, and what everyone else in this class probably did, which is put this off until the last minute. This report is intimidating I know, but trust me; it is not worth more mental distress if it can be avoided. As soon as report 2 is up, get on it. It feels more gratifying to finish something that you put a lot of time and energy into, instead of crammed to get done.
Also, keep your mind open to the things that this class is teaching. Many people may not agree with what is being said, but majority of the time there is still an important value that you can learn if you just allow yourself to take down that wall and hear what people have to say. There isn’t a wall that is put up when you listen to disjunctive songs or watch movies that show anti unity values, therefore do not put a wall up to something in this class just because it is something you don’t want to hear. Just give it time, and in the end if you still don’t agree, then at least you tried. By doing this you are also practicing being open to new things and will allow you to have easier relationships with people who think differently than you do.
Overall, my advice is to have fun with this material, learn all that you can, use judgment for those things in life that may be disjunctive and…. DON”T PROCRASTINATE.
Section E: Links:
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm