Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
Society and Intimacy
Due:
By Nicole
May
The instructions for this
report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
G26 Lecture notes on the
Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
I am answering Questions 2,
6, 8, 12, and 14
Introduction:
The following is my Report 2 in Dr. Leon James’s Psychology
409b: The Unity Model of Marriage class here at the
The instructions for this report and the lecture notes on
the Unity Model of Marriage class can be found at the above links. My report 1, (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-409b-g26-report1.htm)
as well as my outlines for this class can be found on my home page (www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-home.htm).
Overall, this report is about the ways in which the couple must obtain mental intimacy to achieve unity in their marriage. To have physical intimacy first will result in “sexual blackmail.” Another big part of this report is how intimacy and the unity model fits into society’s ideas and norms. The media portrays a lot of things that go against the unity model, and discussed are ways in which this affects women, men and the younger children of our generation, and the generations to come.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Question I am answering is Question 2:
A husband and wife seem to get along real well
together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends,
etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and
hatred for each other.
(a)
Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. You must use some
aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
(b)
Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it occurs
less and less frequently in their interactions. In your explanation be sure to
apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint
self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
(d)
The unity model says that men are initially resistant to mental intimacy and to
conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction.
Interview some women and some men of varying ages (to the extent possible).
Make up a checklist consisting of 10 items that highlight what the women and
men have said about their experiences regarding intimacy in couples.
(e)
Discuss the list and the compare the views of the men and the women.
(A) Why this can happen:
This is Table 4 (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
Found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#Table%204
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7b |
<------8b CU |
<------ 9b |
|
EQUITY |
4b |
<------ 5b |
<------ 6b |
|
DOMINANCE |
1b |
<------ 2b |
<------ 3b |
When a husband and a wife have fun doing activities together and being social with other people, the couple is acting from the physical aspect of their relationship. According to the Unity Model’s lecture notes, people interact with others by using their threefold self, which are the sensorimotor, cognitive and affective aspects of themselves. The first is sensorimotor consociation, which refers to the physical, external side of the relationship. Next is cognitive affiliation, which refers to the internal beliefs that each has and how each thinks about certain topics. Lastly, affective conjunction refers to how they feel for each other and reflects their innermost motivations and goals.
In regards to the example above, what the couple does together externally or socially (ex. Having fun together and being popular with friends) is an example of their sensorimotor selves. In the beginning stages of a relationship, the couple enters the first phase of the marriage, which is Dominance. This is Zone 1 of the chart above and as you can see SD stands for Sensorimotor Dominance. As the couple gets to know each other better, they move into Cognitive Dominance (CD-Zone 2) and then Affective Dominance (AD- Zone 3).
Usually in the dominance model, the man is the one who is in control of the relationship and his traditions and ideas take precedence over the wife’s. The relationship is not equal, and the woman has very little say in what goes on in the relationship. In the next model, Equity, the woman is now allowed to voice her opinions but it does not mean that the husband will agree. They will continue to fight and negotiate until they can come to an agreement about the issue. The man can still revert back to dominance, and disregard what the wife has to say.
In the example, the couple was expressing sensorimotor dominance and possibly sensorimotor equity as well by having fun with each other on an external level. By disagreeing, arguing and showing hatred towards each other the couple was in the equity model. Although the example says that both husband and wife was acting in this manner and not only the husband, male dominance is still seen because he allows the fight to continue instead of avoiding the fight or stopping it once it starts. If he were in the unity model, there would be no arguments or fights in the first place.
(B) Reverse
the Flip-Flop
Another aspect to this table is that the arrows that point to the right (1a, 2a, 3a) show the path that men follow where as the opposite (3b, 2b, 1b) is the path women follow. Women feel first (affective), then think (cognitive) and then act (sensorimotor), where as men act first, then thinks, then feels. According to the unity model of marriage, if the man wants to become one with his wife, he must think and feel like her as well. By using his affective self first before his cognitive and sensorimotor self, the husband is on the same level as his wife and it allows them to move through the stages with more ease. Once he fully commits himself to his wife by getting rid of his independence and adopting her motivations and goals, the couple can reach the highest level of this chart, zone 9.
Just like those in the example the couple in unity would also be having fun and getting along but this is only because they have affective and cognitive intimacy with each other first. By being mentally and spiritually connected with each other, the couple can have more fun because they are in unison and do not argue over anything. By holding on to his independence like society tells him to do, the man will slip back into dominance, cause fights and will make the marriage unhappy with conflict. When he does this, he is creating disjunctive behaviors and makes the wife unhappy.
Dr. James’s lecture notes tell us that in order for the man to become enlightened, he must take on the thoughts and ways of the wife for she is already enlightened by God. By getting rid of his independence and devoting everything to her, he is conjoining himself to her. The man in unity makes sure that his wife is happy no matter what, because when she is happy, he is happy, and he can become enlightened because of this.
(C) This section is missing from the
original question
(D) Making a list…
For this section, I interviewed my Grandma who is 80yrs old, my Mom who is 52, my co-worker who is 35 and my friend who is 21. For the male list, I asked my Grandpa who is 75 yrs old, my dad who is 54, my friend who is 25, and my roommate who is 21. When I asked them to tell me some of the issues that they had concerning intimacy with their partners, they had a lot to say. Below is a list of ten of those intimacy problems that they had; one list for the women and one for the men. I will not specify who said what item that way judgments and inferences cannot be made. These are not in any order what so ever.
Women’s List:
1. He wouldn’t accept me for who I was
2. He liked to always be in control of everything
3. He still loved his ex and tried to mold me to be like her
4. He didn’t want to open up to me because he was afraid of being hurt
5. He was not on the same intelligence level
6. He liked to email other girls and flirt with my friends
7. He wouldn’t call to say where he was or whom he was with
8. He would not make any sacrifices
9. He didn’t want to give up his independence and wanted to hang out with his friends all the time
10. He expected me to do all the housework and only showed affection when he wanted sex
Men’s List:
1. She was too independent and would let anyone help her
2. She was too naggy and pushy which caused me to get irritated with her all the time
3. She was too controlling and wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends and wouldn’t let me drink and relax
4. She would expect me to know what she was thinking without her telling me directly
5. She still wanted to go out to clubs with her friends even though she knows I don’t like that scene
6. She wouldn’t give me my space and wanted to be with me all the time
7. She always wants to talk about something. Sometimes I just want to watch TV and not talk.
8. She just wanted me for my money
9. She was too emotional and would cry every time we fought
10.
She is too moody and is grumpy and mad when things don’t go her way
(E) … And checking it twice:
It seems that both men and women report that their partner had some resistance to mental intimacy. Starting with the women, majority of the things listed dealt with men trying to keep their independence. By being controlling, he is the one who is in charge and is dominant in the relationship. Hanging out with his friends all the time, and not calling or letting her know what is going on, are examples of him trying to keep his independence which leaves his partner thinking that she is not loved or respected. Expecting his wife to do all the housework also shows his un-appreciation for her and only adds to her mental distress instead of trying to help alleviate it. By only showing affection when he wants sex is an example of using sexual blackmail because he has no mental intimacy with his wife when he acts in this dominant manner.
Flirting and talking to other women shows non-exclusive love of the sex and resists mental intimacy from forming. It also makes the woman feel unloved and shows that he is not ready to be in a marriage, let alone a relationship. Saying that he does not want to open up because he doesn’t want to get hurt is a cover up and an excuse for him not wanting to get mentally intimate with his woman. By not accepting his wife for who she is and trying to make her be someone she is not is disjunctive behavior. For a man to become enlightened he must follow the ways of his wife, and mold himself to be more like her, not the other way around. He must make sacrifices and lose his independence so he can conjoin with his wife and use his affective self to create mental intimacy with her.
Dr. James’s lecture notes tell us that the woman is the one who wants to conjoin with her man first, therefore she tries to think more like him in the beginning and tries to get him to want to become one with her too. Once she has made all the necessary changes to herself, it is now the man’s turn. There are times when the woman is not ready to be in a unity relationship and in these cases we can see her trying to be independent and going out with her friends to bars and clubs and meeting men to use them for their money, as stated in the men’s list above. However if she does want to conjoin with her man, some of the things on this list seem like the men are trying to blame the wife for their resistance to mental intimacy.
For example, when the man says that she is being too controlling or naggy, it usually means that he is just trying to keep his independence and is being defensive when she wants to spend more time with him and he wants his space. When he says that she is too emotional and cries all the time, maybe it is because he is saying things and doing things that is hurting her and causing disjunctive behaviors. In unity the man would not fight with his wife, therefore she would not need to cry. Being moody and grumpy is a natural occurrence with women, especially around that time of month, however using the excuse that it’s just because she is a crybaby when things won’t go her way is just showing him to be dominant. Yes some women may be like but according to the unity model, the man should do things the way the woman wants them to be done because by disagreeing with her, fights will occur and there will be no mental intimacy.
But most of all, the comment about the man not wanting to talk and communicate with his partner was disturbing. He said that he lives with her, and sees her everyday therefore he can’t talk to her all the time, because some times there is nothing to talk about. In unity the couple is not only lovers but they are best friends as well which means that they can talk about anything at anytime. Communication is especially important to women and the lack of it means that the man is trying to resist mental intimacy. Men who are not in unity want sex more than they want to talk because they are using their sensorimotor self first. Women use their affective first, and yearn for communication and mental intimacy before they engage in sex. Once the man gets rid of his independence and realizes that he wants to do everything that he can to make his wife happy, the couple can achieve mental intimacy and become conjoined together.
Overall both men and women listed examples of dominant relationships where the partner wanted to keep their independence and refused to conjoin by creating mental intimacy with their lovers. I believe a lot of this has to do with how society portrays dominance and anti-unity values in the media and people do not even second-guess the things that they are being exposed to. After I explained the unity model to these friends and family members, they mostly agreed that men take pride in keeping their independence and resisting mental intimacy because that is how society has taught them that it should be.
The Question I am answering is Question 6:
(a)
Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in
the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
(b)
Go to Dr. Phil’s Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378 and
look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice
on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for
example here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil’s
approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).
(c)
State your conclusions and recommendations.
(A) Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex:
Love of the sex refers to the fact that people in general love the opposite sex. Dr. James says that even animals think in this way for male species “love” female species and vice versa. The problem with the love of the sex is that it does not involve intimacy. More than one partner at a time is considered better than just having one partner. By not having intimacy, the relationship is only shallow and external, and not deep and spiritual. If the husband is looking and thinking of other women, or is having sex with other women then he is practicing non-exclusive love of the sex.
To have love of one of the sex means that the man and the woman are in an exclusive relationship with each other and no other person outside of this marriage engage in sex with them. They use their threefold self and are connected with their affective self first before they use their sensorimotor self. By using all three intimacies, affective, cognitive and sensorimotor, the couple is engaging in sexual activity in the unity model. If there is only cognitive and sensorimotor conjunction but no affective conjunction then they are in equity. To only have sensorimotor conjunction shows dominance and refers to the love of the sex, not the love of one of the sex.
When there is no mental intimacy between the couple, if the man tries to get a woman to have sex with him, this is considered sexual blackmail. The woman and man must be mentally intimate with each other in order to be practicing exclusive love of one of the sex. This sexual conjunction with mental intimacy is far more gratifying than just the physical intimacy. It is only when the husband creates mental intimacy with his wife, and thinks of no one else then he will be practicing exclusive love of one of the sex, which is especially human and not animalistic.
(B) Dr. Phil’s “Get Real” Advice:
There are several stories on Dr. Phil’s website (www.drphil.com/shows/show/378) that talks about the problems that woman are having sexually with their husbands. Mellisa who has been married for six years says that her husband shows her no affection. “There’s no intimacy,” she says. “It’s kind of like he did the deed and now he can go to sleep. You just lay there and feel sorry for yourself.” This is a perfect example of how women feel hurt and rejected when their husbands just want to have sex and do not give them the mental intimacy that they need in the marriage.
The above story is a typical example that is seen frequently in many marriages; However, I was particularly surprised to read the following story. Kelli who has been married to her husband for 14 years has felt like she was losing her connection with her husband. He suggested that they carry out the sexual fantasy of him having a threesome with two women. Since Kelli felt that she should do anything to save her marriage, she gave in and gave him his fantasy. After the first threesome, Dan treated Kelli “like a queen” and since she liked this attention, when he asked for another one, even though she didn’t want to, she did it again. Now Dan is asking for a third encounter and since Kelli doesn’t want to, they are constantly fighting about it.
When Dr. Phil asks Dan why he wants to continue these fantasies he replies; “Having a threesome with my wife makes me feel intimate with my wife.” Also he states that he wants to have sex three or four times in a row and Kelli cannot do it more than once, therefore having another woman there so he can have sex with her makes him more sexually satisfied. Since Kelli is still unsure about having another threesome, Dan threatened her. He says, “I’ve given Kelli a 30-day ultimatum: Find another woman for another threesome, or this marriage is over.”
The first thing I thought of when I read this was, WHAT THE HELL!?! I cannot believe this man is making his wife go through all of this just because he is being selfish and wants to have more sex with other women. He blames his wife for being a tease and uses dominance to threaten his wife so she is coerced into doing what he wants her to do because she loves him. This relationship needs a lot of help, and it makes me really upset to hear that problems like this is actually going on in marriages today, especially after 14 years of marriage!
It seems like some women will do anything to make their men happy, even to the extent of having threesomes. Kelli says, “Truly, I don’t want to, but I will because ... I want my marriage to work and I want to know why I can’t give him everything he wants.” For Kelli to have this mentality shows that she is allowing her man to dominate her even though she deserves so much more. I totally agree with Dr. Phil when he says, “If this is OK with you, you need help.”
In
relation to section A:
Dr. Phil’s advice to Kelli and Dan was for Kelli to express
her feelings to her husband and tell him NO to the threesomes. It is unhealthy for her to keep things in and
not stand up for herself in this situation.
The couple has different sexual “appetites” and that they need to negotiate
this problem and figure out some way that they can both be satisfied. The ultimate thing that Dr. Phil told them
was that bringing another person into their relationship is never the way to
solve their problems.
By bringing someone else in, the couple is engaging in
non-exclusive sex. No mental intimacy
can be achieved with his wife when Dan is having sex with another woman. Obviously Kelli was happy when Dan treated
her like a queen after the first threesome, but she should not have to go
through all of that to get the love an attention that she deserves from her
husband. The sexual blackmail that Dan
used on Kelli was taken to another level when he brought other girls into the
picture. It made Kelli feel like she
wasn’t good enough on her own and upset her so much to the extreme point of
airing it on national television and seeking the advice of the famous Dr. Phil.
The following statement is advice that Dr. Phil gives to women in general, a side from the Kelli and Dan catastrophe: “Talk to your husband about your concerns. Remember to be sensitive when bringing the subject up and pick an appropriate time — not when you are in the middle of an argument. Your husband may resist the conversation because there may be underlying issues such as stress, depression or medication that are interfering with his sex drive, but be supportive. If he is reluctant to be open about it, encourage him to look within himself in order to gain insight into his issues. If all else fails, ask him to participate in one session of couple’s therapy so you can start making changes.”
In this statement we can see that Dr. Phil is talking from
the equity model of marriage. He says
not to bring up issues when the couple is in the middle of a fight. In unity, the couple doesn’t fight and the
husband does not “resist the conversation.”
By doing this he is trying to keep his independence and is resisting
mental intimacy, which is needed for exclusive love of one of the sex. Another statement that he says in support of
equity and not unity is “Relationships are about negotiation and compromise —
and it never stops. It’s OK for couples to argue. In fact, it can be healthy
and constructive. But there’s a way to fight fair.”
Even though Dr. Phil is not in unity, he still reminds his clients that the relationship is not based on sex. “You need love, compassion and caring — and then sex can be a reflection of that.” Here he shows that the affective needs to happen first before the sensorimotor or physical self. By thinking in this way, mental intimacy can be achieved. Ultimately, he also tells men that “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” This refers to unity’s ideas that if the man really wants to be conjoined with his wife, he will gain intimacy with her and will devote all his love exclusively to her. When he has love of one of the sex, he will make her happy in all ways possible because when his wife is happy then he will be happy and will become eternally happy in heaven with her.
(C) Conclusions on sex within the
relationship:
After reading about Kelli and Dan’s sex problems, I realized that not only does society tell men that it is ok to deprive their woman of mental intimacy and ultimately act exclusively in the dominance model, but society also says that the woman must deal with what the man subjects her to, if she really loves him. Society and the media put the fantasy of other women into Dan’s head and Kelli was not strong enough to tell Dan that this is not how their relationship is suppose to be. People like Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil do not agree at all that other people should be involved with the marriage. While Dr. Laura takes more of a dominance approach to the relationship and Dr. Phil takes more of an equity standpoint, neither of them gives advice to their listeners that reflect the spiritual and enlightened side of the marriage, called unity.
Dr. James’s lecture notes helped me to sort out the difference between fact and fiction in society’s portrayal of the “perfect relationship.” Being “sexy,” thinking in a non-exclusive love of the sex way, using sexual blackmail, and resisting mental intimacy are all ways that will not lead to a healthy and prosperous marriage. Porn, and threesomes are definitely not the way to go either. Sex within the relationship should be intimate, exclusive and spiritual, involving the connection of all three selves, affective, cognitive and sensorimotor. I agree that having affective intimacy first while having sex is more gratifying than just physical sex. If Dr. Phil could teach his viewers about unity, maybe more people would actually be happier in their marriage, and would not have to go on national television to seek help involving their non-intimate sex lives. But then again, if Dr. Phil did this, he would be out of a job.
The Question I am answering is Question 8:
(a) In your own words,
describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the couple’s
threefold self.
(b) Describe any
difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model,
including
(i) the idea of a
unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven.
(c) Describe the
reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of
marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the unity
model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members
acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions
on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
(A) The Unity Model of Marriage:
The unity model of marriage is a type of relationship that seems to strive for the best a marriage can be. In the beginning of the relationship, in dominance (where the man has the most say) and equity (where the couple fights and negotiates), the woman molds her self to be more like her man. She has the ultimate goal of conjoining with him and wants him to feel the same as she does. In unity, the man realizes that in order for their relationship to work and be happy, he has to get rid of his independence and mold himself to be more like his wife. By doing this, he breaks away from what society has taught him and allows his wife to lead their relationship into heaven.
All his life, the man was taught to act physically first, then to think cognitively and then to feel affectively. The woman however is the opposite and tries to teach her man that when he is affective first, the spiritual and mental connection is more pleasurable and rewarding than just the shallow level of touch. The affective self is the hardest for the man to achieve, especially since he has be programmed to act with his sensorimotor self first, however, after a long motivated struggle, the man realizes that it is easier for him to act in this level and make his wife happy, than to hurt her and revert back to his independent dominant ways.
(B)
Difficulty with this model
In regards to the unity couple as being in a higher state of life than all others, I agree that this is so, because it is a spiritual connection and not just a physical one. The unity model makes sense overall and the implication that the couple are so conjoined that they are one and will always be one even after death shows just how strong this spiritual bond is. I personally believe that there is a life after death therefore it was easier for me to understand and accept the unity model. However, those who do not believe in the afterlife, find it much harder to come to terms with what the unity model is trying to teach.
Those who are religious will uphold their ideas of the afterlife though and will disregard the unity’s religion. I feel like people who already have a religion will not be completely ok with what unity has to say, however those who are willing to accept the unity as a whole, will view the unity model as a religion in itself. The unity model has a set of rules that each person must follow in the marriage, kind of like the commandments from the bible or the teaching of the Torah for the Jewish. Since unity believes in heaven and hell, it seems like it could be a branch of religion off of Christianity or some other similar religion, for Swedenborg does reference the bible in his writings.
The fact that Swedenborg went to heaven and interviewed the unity couples there and then came back to earth and wrote 30 volumes about it kind of seems like a stretch to me. There is no evidence that Swedenborg really did this, and if he did, is there ways that other people could do the same and see these unity couples for themselves if they do not believe him? If I have not been taught a different religion when I was young, and I was taught about the unity model, then I would be able to believe Swedenborg’s reports more for I would not have a negative bias already implanted in me.
Because of Swedenborg’s remarkable journey to heaven, we can parallel this to the many other remarkable things that people have done in the bible. Since some people may believe that everything in the bible is made up, people can also say that Swedenborg’s reports are made up as well. But since the point of religion is to believe in something and to follow the teachings of this religion, that way your life can be good and righteous, reading Swedenborgs reports and following the ways of the unity model will be just as affective and gratifying as those who read the bible and follow the ways of God.
(C) Reactions to Unity
When I tell people about what I am learning with the unity model and the reports given by Swedenborg, all of them agreed that Swedenborg’s reports must be made up, however, they liked that fact that marriages can exist in heaven. The women like what the unity model has to say about the men not fighting with them, and how the men does whatever he can to make her happy. They like that he must give up his independence, and must give her mental intimacy first before engaging in physical intimacy. Most of them however did not like the fact that the woman has all the say. Being able to negotiate and resolve their problems in an equal matter seems more practical to them. Overall, most women like the unity model but feel that it is too ideal because men never have and never will act in this manner anyway.
The men agreed with some parts of the unity model as well and said that the dominance model is not the best way to be. However most of these men promoted the equity model, with some aspects of dominance mixed in, like keeping his independence. The men took the unity model to be more like a female dominance approach and quickly went into defensive mode and rejected these aspects of unity. Despite wanting to keep their independence, they still supported the fact that they could become spiritually connected with their woman and remain this way in heaven. Men like to “have their cake and eat it too,” as women would say. The male response to this is “why would you have cake if you could not eat it?”
(D) How it affects me, and future couples
Ever since I have learned about the unity model, I have noticed myself analyzing couples’ interactions, as well as my boyfriend’s interactions with me. I also tell my self, “He just engaged in a disjunctive behavior,” or “That was an anti-unity value.” It makes me open my eyes to the things that women are forced to deal with because society says that it is ok for men, and even women to be this way. By studying this model, the students, myself included, all gain the benefits of being exposed to the positive bias and allowing their minds to think in ways that they did not think were possible. Hopefully if the female students agree with unity, they now can go out there and find someone who is close to unity. Hopefully as well the male students will adjust their thinking and practice at least some things that the unity model teaches. A little change can go a long way.
Overall, besides the religious aspects of the unity model, I like the idea that the man has to get rid of his independence and devote himself completely to his wife. I like the fact that the couple does not fight and that they are so unified that they think as one instead of two individuals. Life would be so much better if no one fought and there were no marital problems. I agree that women hurt emotionally and sometimes physically during the dominance phase and I feel like society has not promoted anything higher than the equity phase, making it seem like there is either the traditional dominance way, or the equity way, and nothing else. Unity shows that humans have the potential to be so much more than dominant/oppressive fighting sexual machines. Even though the media will probably not be promoting unity anytime soon, the idea of this marriage is still there. I feel however that most men will disregard unity and stick to what they have known all their lives, equity and male dominance.
I feel that learning about unity by taking this class is a good way to expose them to this model. By making everyone take a class like this, men and women learn about unity, but still have the decision to not follow it if they do not want to. However after learning so much about it, unity is bound to be integrated into their relationships in someway or another and that is better than not having any aspects of unity at all. It is hard to say which age unity should be taught. If it is taught early, like religions are, then these children will grow up with the unity model in mind. But sometimes if it is forced on them like religion is when they are young, they might grow up disliking unity because they feel like they were brainwashed, as some people feel about their religion today. If they learn it when they are starting to date, then they can be prepared for the mental and spiritual aspects of it and might not be so caught up in the physical aspects of the relationship like teens today do.
The Question I am answering is Question 12:
(a) Select three couples that you know, in such a way that one is going to fail, one that is going to succeed, and one that has mixed components (success and failure, up and down).
(b) Explain why
you think that the couples are failing or succeeding. Show how the unity model
(with three phases) helps you understand the relationship dynamics for each
couple. Give specific examples of their behaviors in the threefold self
regarding conjunctive and disjunctive interactions. How would you advise them
to help them succeed?
(A) I pick you to succeed, and I pick you to fail…
It is easy to pick couples that I know who are going to fail, or has mixed components of failure and success. Most of my friends are in these types of relationships right now. One of my closest friends is in a relationship that will most likely fail soon. They are both 22yrs old and have been together for three years. She allows him to be dominant over her, despite the fact that she tells all of us that he doesn’t. We will call them C and S.
The
next couple just recently got married, even though they definitely were not
ready to. They have been together, on
and off for five plus years I believe and had a baby together when they were
19. Their daughter is almost two, and
even though they fight A LOT, their daughter is what is keeping them motivated
to try and make things better. Before
they got married I would have put them in the “likely to fail” category because
there was not one night that I saw them together where they did not get into a
huge fight over something stupid. But
since they got married, they are fighting less, (still more than they should
though) and are actually getting along better than before. We will call them M and B.
When it comes to picking a couple that is going to succeed and has the components of unity in it, I was stumped. In fact, I sat here for a while and thought of all the people that I know, and have not found one couple that is in unity. The two most influential people in my life are my mother and my grandma, and my mom and dad are not together, and my grandma and grandpa divorced before he died. Also all my aunties and uncles do not have good marriages as well, proving that I come from a dysfunctional family, (doesn’t everybody). I therefore have not grown up with examples of how couples should be in unity. Going with the closest I could find, I will use my friend L and her boyfriend R as the couple who will most likely succeed. They have been together for a year and a half, and are planning to get married at the ending of this year.
(B) The Ups and Downs
C (female)
and S (male):
C and S started dating when they were introduced to each other through a mutual friend, (who C was talking to at the time). C was working here at home, while S was going to school in the mainland. After being “together” for six months, of fighting and cheating, they decided that the distance was not going to make their relationship work. So C moved to where S was even though she wanted to stay here at home. C lives up there with no friends or family and sacrificed everything just so they could be together. She does not go to school, and only works so she can help him pay for their living expenses.
S is up there for a football scholarship. He has many friends and likes to party and have fun. Even though C wants to spend time with S, after all he is why she moved up there, S still wants his independence and would rather hang out with his friends instead of devote his time to C. She constantly calls me up crying about how she feels alone and feels like he is only nice to her when his friends are not around, or when he is drunk and wants affection. He is using his sensorimotor self first, and sometimes will use his cognitive self, but never uses his affective self. C wants to be connected to him in all ways possible and strives for that mental intimacy and affection, but S is not capable of giving that to her right now.
Even though everyone tells her that she should come home because he is being selfish and is taking advantage of the situation, C stays in the hopes that S will change. She has moved back home this past summer, but he convinced her to move back up there again. She believes that after her graduates this semester, he will settle down more and will be more willing to give up his independence. I don’t believe he will, and hopefully if he doesn’t, C has enough courage to move on and come back home that way she can find a man who is willing to give here the things that she needs. At this point, there is nothing that anyone can say to her that will make her change her mind, and she just needs to come to the conclusion on her own when she feels enough is enough. Hopefully it is soon.
B (female) and M (male):
As
I stated earlier B and M fight a lot, and thus is in the equity phase of their
relationship. When I first met them they
were still in the dominance phase, where what M said was the final word. He was verbally mean to her and every single
time they hung out with my boyfriend and I, they would get into huge
fights. These fights created scenes and
B would drive off mad and M would throw his phone at a wall because he was so
pissed. I could not believe that these
two had a kid. They were immature with
each other, and I could only imagine how they were when it came to the
responsibility of being parents.
M would always say that B irritated him because she was always naggy and bitchy. I could see why she was this way, because M was mean to her and disregarded her feelings in front of everyone. He called her names and ignored her at times. One time we were all at a BBQ, and my boyfriend made a plate of food for me to eat and brought it over to me when I was sitting next to her. She then turned to M and said that she was hungry. He told her to get up and go get food then. Not only did he make her feel unloved, but to see other boyfriends treating their girlfriends better than M treated B made her feel even worse. M was being very dominant, and wanted to keep his independence by not allowing his friends to think that he was “whipped” over her. Yet later that night when he was drunk, he was nicer to her because he want to have sex. His sensorimotor self was prominent and he hid his affective self from her, which made her long for mental intimacy even more.
Eventually he started being nicer to her and they agreed to try and make things better between them. They were finally able to have conversations that didn’t end in fights and they achieved some cognitive intimacy as well. He proposed to her on Valentines Day and they got married a week later. Since I have been busy with school, we have not hung out that much together, but they seem to be getting a long a little better, even though M does show his dominance here and there. They are progressing, at a slow rate, but eventually they will mature and grow together and will be a good couple because they are trying to be good parents for their daughter. They have their ups and downs and hopefully they can eventually achieve mental intimacy together and become the great couple that they are striving to be.
L
(female) and R (male):
Considering that I do not know any couples in the unity
model, I will use L and R because they barely even fight, and when they do, R
is quick to apologize. L is from
Some aspects of their relationship that I do not feel are
unity is the fact that L has picked up the habit of whining when she wants him
to do something and he says no at first.
For example, when they came to
I have brought this to her attention and she says it is
because her previous boyfriends were the ones in control and now that she at
least has a say in the way things go she takes it to the extreme
sometimes. L has broken this habit, and
R will agree to do something the first time that way L doesn’t have to
manipulate him into doing it. Other than
this, I have not seen any other signs of anti-unity, except for they live
together and they are not married yet.
They are engaged and are planning on getting married with in the year.
Besides this, they do everything together, and he has given up his
independence, except for the times he slips back into dominance by saying no to
L, (like when trying new food in
R really will do anything for L and does ease her mental distress at all times. L’s ex contacted her and said that his mom wanted to have lunch with her. Since L and the mom were good friends before, she could not say no, but felt that it would be very uncomfortable because she would talk about her son the whole time. To make things more comfortable for L, R agreed to come along so the mom would be less likely to make L feel uncomfortable about her ex. To me, R must be ready for unity to do something like this because society has taught men to say “Hell no, I won’t go,” in this situation. But R supported L and did not give her a hard time about it because he knew that she needed closure with the mother.
Overall, L and R seem to be on the right path to unity. They still have some details that they need
to work on but they are only 21 and have the time to get things right when they
get married. Dr. James took many years
for him to break his dominant ways to finally reach unity. R seems to already be breaking the “idea” of
traditional male dominance, and is dedicated to putting his all into this
relationship. I hope nothing but the
best for them, and when they do get married and reach unity, I can say that I
at least know one couple that is “one” and will be in eternal heaven together,
forever.
The Question I am answering is Question 14:
(a)
Explore the song analysis technique used by students in the 1982
generation: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and Uvs?
(b)
Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 students in 2006:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/
See their Report 1, section (e).
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and Uvs?
(c)
Read the article titled “Why Britney Spears Matters” at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to
the unity model and the three phases.
(e)
What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters,
young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with the situation?
(A) Going Back to 1982:
When clicking on the link provided in the question above (www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html ), the students of 1982’s song index pops up. There are 19 songs listed that the students have analysized according to the things that they have learned in their class with Dr. James. It does not specifically say anywhere on this site what criteria or teachings they were basing their analysis on, but by reading through all of them, I have seen several topics that have appeared in more than one song analysis. Some of these topics include, spiritual awakening, negative emotions, positive bias, cupidity, external vs. internal person, delusions, compassionate love, intimidation, and societal norms.
Now since I was not born until 1985, I do not know most of
these songs. I have picked two songs
that I would like to comment on however because I feel that their analysis made
the most sense in relation to the lyrics. The first is “The Grand Illusion”
analyzed by Cody Kuniyoshi & Joanne Nishimoto. Not only did they give a title for each line
of the song but they also described why they used it and how it applies to our
daily lives. For example:
Line
6: Wishing secretly you were a star
(FALSE SELF-CONCEPT & ROLETAKING)
You have a secret
fantasy of being someone of high status and recognition. A star has fame and
fortune, and you admire those who have it.
Line
7. But don't be fooled by the radio, the T.V. or the magazines
(MEDIA INTIMITATION)
The media can be very misleading. It has the power to
brainwash you into seeing their point of view. It can play-up a small story to
make it seem major, and it can attack an issue or an individual. Or it can
simply persuade you to buy a product. And you need to be aware of what the
facts really are.
They showed that wanting to be like people in the media is a false self-concept and that we must be aware of what the media has to say because they can brainwash us into believing certain things. I relate this to the unity model in the sense that in order for the man to become conjoined with his wife, he needs to get rid of the independence that society tells him he should keep. By letting go of the false-concept of himself he can ignore media intimidation and become one with his wife.
The next song is “Prisoner” analyzed by Talia Nicolai. Here we see the feelings that some women feel
when they are in a male dominance relationship.
In Line 17. You want to keep me here forever, I
can't escape, Nicolai says that this is an
“Obsessive, possessive
and domineering kind of love”. 18. One minute's so sincere, 19. Then you
completely turn against me 20. And I'm afraid.
Lines 18, 19 and 20 show how
the man flip flops back and forth from being nice to being mean and letting his
dominance rule over the relationship. By
doing this, the woman feels afraid, intimidated, unloved and lost.
In lines 21 and 22, (21. You don't have to say you love me, 22.
'Cause if you want me, I'll stay) we
see the same type of feelings that Kelli had with her husband Dan in the Dr.
Phil example (question 6). She stayed
with him and loved him even if he didn’t treat her the way that she deserved to
be treated. She is so desperate for some
kind of attention that she will stay even if it is just to receive physical
satisfaction and not mental intimacy because she is “so in love.” This shows that the man is not in unity,
other wise the singer would not be a “prisoner” and would be happy with her
man.
(B) AUVs in 2006:
Most of the students of 1982 were not as clear on the anti unity and
unity values in those songs and thus it was hard for me to follow what they
were saying. Now since I am aware of
these songs that the students in 2006 analyzed (www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/), I feel like I have a better understanding
of what is anti unity values in these songs.
Alton Antonio analysized the song “Creep” by TLC. Creep talks about a woman who knows that her
man is cheating on her and knows that he lies straight to her face, but says
that it is ok. She in turn is cheating
on him because she needs to get attention from someone other than her man.
The AUVs that Antonio recognizes is “3. Making each other jealous on purpose 5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality 11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners 12. Manipulating the partner through deception 14. Promoting the idea that one should try not to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults, etc. 18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender 19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women 20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women 21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor and 23. Accepting that idea that a man does not need to “grovel” when he apologizes for something bad he did to her.”
I remember when I was a little girl and I would sing this song because I
thought it was cool. Now I realize that
I was singing a song that promoted non-exclusive love of the sex and an
anti-unity relationship. This just goes
to show that songs influence young generations without people really realizing
it.
In my report 1 I talked about some songs that I had on my computer that
promoted AUVs. Ryken Ako also talked about one of those songs, “Different Area
Codes” by Ludacris and Tani Asato talked about the “Thong Song” by
Sisqo. What I didn’t think of was the
song “Summer Nights from the soundtrack to Grease. I loved that song when it first came out but
did not realize just how bad that song was until I read Constance DeCaires’s report. Danny
was singing to his friends about how he hooked up with
The song “It wasn’t me” by
Shaggy talks about how his girlfriend caught him having sex with someone else
and all he kept saying was that it wasn’t him.
These songs tell men that it is ok to lie and deceive their women that
way they can practice non-exclusive love of the sex. Also Jessica
Pettit wrote about the song “I’m in love with a stripper” by T Pain. I did not like that song at all when it came
out because he obviously does not “love” a stripper. By allowing listeners to think that it is ok
for men to go to strip clubs and “love” girls who are exposing themselves for
money shows that anti-unity values and promiscuity are prevailing in today’s
society.
(C) Hit Me Baby One More Time:
The author of “Why Britney Spears Matters” talks about the idea that Britney and other young pop stars like Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore are promoting girl power like the girl group of the 60s, the Shirelles. By singing about their sexuality, young girls are learning that it is ok to feel the way that they do because these pop stars have felt that way too. The author states, “It is good for them to know that someone else feels the same way.”
While agree that music does allow people to share in the emotional experience of the singer and has a special way of enhancing certain emotions, I feel that there are some “emotions” and experiences that young boys and girls should not be exposed to yet. The author’s example of her six year old cousin singing “I’m not that innocent,” shows that these pop stars really do have a huge impact on their listeners, and unfortunately this can happen at a really young age.
By allowing young girls to copy them and make these girls look and feel sexy sends out the message “That sex appeal is the only thing that makes a woman powerful,” which of course is not. This shows that society is thinking in the dominance model in which the sensorimotor self is expressed and the physical aspects of a woman is the only appealing thing to men. When women sing about girl power they allow girls and women to re-evaluate their life and realize that they must stand up for their rights. The equity model is thus enforced, which makes the women feel like they have more power, when really the man can revert to dominance at any point.
The women however never sing about unity and how the man needs to achieve mental intimacy with his wife first before they have sex. The songs never reflect on the fact that women do not need to look like these pop stars and that what matters on the inside counts more for what is on the out. Parents always tell their kids this, but kids will not listen to their parents when there are cool pop stars telling them otherwise. I know I wanted to be like Britney when I was in high school. I even died my hair blonde and danced for our school’s performance company. But now look at her. I am glad I am not like her because she has a kid, and is separated from her man… and is BALD.
(D) This section is missing from the
original question.
(E) Social Implications:
As stated
repeatedly, I feel that the media has a negative impact on the people in
society, especially younger generations.
While I do not have any sisters, I feel that I still would not want
young girls acting and dressing the way that pop stars are acting and dressing
today. It allows men to be dominanting
and think of women as only sexual beings, and it allows women to think that it
is ok for this to happen.
Looking at the
picture above, we see that pop stars like Jessica Simpson is doing such a great
job at being a “role model” that even men want to be like her. Watching her on her show “The Newlyweds” made
me very disappointed that she was acting the way that she was. She was whiny and didn’t even know how to
wash her own clothes. While this shows
that women do not always have to be the ones who are doing the housework, it is
also is showing that it is ok for other people to do everything for you, and it
is ok for women to be unintelligent, as long as you look hot. There was also a rumor going around that she
was just “acting” dumb so more people would want to watch the show. If this is the case, she is not only dumb for
acting dumb, but she is not promoting “girl power” and is promoting anti-unity
values, like being sexual for other men besides her husband.
Overall, I think
that there is little that can be done to help change this “idea” that the media
imposes on society. Everyone would have
to change their ways of thinking, delete “being sexy/slutty” from their
vocabulary, think more with unity values and throw away male dominance and
fighting. This will never happen because
sex and violence sells, and what sells increases money, which everyone needs in
order to survive. It is a vicious
circle, and it will continue until people are ready to break it. For now, those who are aware of the negative
messages that are being portrayed in the media need to educate others about
it. Educate people about the unity model
and maybe people will start to change their thoughts and actions, which can
eventually change society’s ideas and behaviors. One day it could all be possible.
My Report on the Current Generation:
In reviewing the current generation’s report 1 I have found that Tiffany Wong (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-report%201.htm) picked the same movie as I did to compare to the movie Prime. She agrees with me that The Notebook is a movie that reflects unity towards the end of the movie and that this movie shows more positive aspects of a relationship than the movie Prime. I like how she uses her grandparents as an example of unity as well by showing that her grandpa remained by her grandma’s bed when she had lung cancer. “Even when he was hungry or she was sleeping, he would sit in a chair by her bed and watch her sleep. He told me that he didn’t want her to wake up alone and become scared.”
She also agrees with my report 1 in the sense that the media has AUVs all the time and since “kids are like sponges,” and they soak up things they learn, television shows, movies, music etc., should watch what they are teaching the younger generations. Wong says that children of our generation are growing up much faster than before and soon children will have a lifestyle where they have “lost their innocence before they even had a chance to enjoy it.” Young kids today all have cell phones, and want so desperately to be adults. Before they know it, they will be looking back on their life and will say, “I wish I was a kid again, when things didn’t stress me out as much.”
Jenna Kawasugi (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kawasugi/kawasugi-409b-g26-report1.htm) wrote in her report as well that the media has negative impacts on our society. She talks about the fact that women in magazines are flawless and makes young women, as well as old, feel that they want to be this way as well. She brings up a good point in saying that these pictures that we see in the magazines are not in their original state. They are digitally altered to make the person look flawless. They are also wearing a lot of makeup to make them look better. Have you seen some of these “stars” without makeup on? They are not as flawless as they look when they are in the lime light. This just goes to show that NO ONE is perfect and everyone needs to stop striving to be perfect because it does not exist.
Kawasugi also states, “I hear that in rehab the first step is to acknowledge you have a problem.” This fits well with what I just talked about in the section above. Society may realize that they have a problem when it comes to the media’s portrayals of AUVS and male dominance, but they will not do anything about it until someone acknowledges the problem. Once the media has openly admitted to this problem, then and only then can they make the proper changes. Until that time, we all just need to stick to what we know is right and to not let society and the media brainwash us into thinking that dominance, disjunctive behaviors, and anti-unity values are the right way to a happy and healthy relationship.
Advice to Future Generations:
As stated in my last report, and in everyone else’s report as well, procrastination is not a good fit for these reports. To create a good comprehensive project, you are going to need time to put things together and make it flow like you want it to. Procrastination is just adding more stress than you need right now and especially since it is the end of the semester, I guarantee that this is not going to be the only thing you have to turn in around the same time. I have this report due on Tuesday, a medical ethics paper due on that Wednesday and a religion paper that is due on Thursday, not to mention other homework and responsibilities like work, hula practice, and a relationship that I have to deal with all at the same time. Most of you will be in the same boat, or a canoe similar to it, so try to divide up your time wisely. The best thing to do is start on this as soon as the instructions are up that way you are not trying to jam it all into a day or two.
Also, have fun with these reports. It is very interesting when you can apply the things that you learn in this class to your daily lives. Once it is all over, you still will be finding ways that people are using anti-unity values, and being disjunctive and dominant. I have noticed that I learned a great amount of stuff in this class and use it everyday, whether I purposely try to or not. The knowledge that I have received has made me re-evaluate my relationships and has given me the courage to break free from society’s norms and start thinking more like the unity model.
Mostly, try not to get too frustrated and caught up with the politics of the class and allow yourself to learn the things that apply to you that way you can use it in your life in some way. Even if the only thing that you come away with is to make sure that you do not believe everything you hear and make yourself evaluate the details first before you reach a conclusion about something is a good lesson learned. Everything in life is an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself and the world around you. Learn and have fun doing it. I’ll live with saying this one last time…don’t procrastinate!
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-home.htm