Report 1

Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive

Discourse and Behavior in Couples

By Sean Mosier

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm

G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

Introduction

This report is going to look at disjunctive and conjunctive discourse and behavior in couples. Disjunctive discourse is when the husband refuses to do something that the wife wants to do, or contradicts her; or when he keeps secrets, or lies; when he is verbally abusive or swears; and refuses to make up adequately after a fight. Conjunctive discourse is the opposite: he agrees with her, is open and honest with her, is calm and supportive, and always makes up adequately after fighting with her. Conjunctive behavior is born from altruistic feelings, thoughts, and sensations, while self-centered or intellectual feelings, thoughts, and sensations can potentially cause disjunctive behavior. Conjunctive behavior shows that you want to be one with your wife, whereas disjunctive behavior is usually a struggle to keep part of your self separate from your wife.

I am part of the 26^th generation of students who have written similar reports on this subject. Each generation has their work put online to generate an authentic atmosphere that makes a person’s work “public and official.” This sense of validation helps students to assimilate the material and apply their knowledge into what they write for class. My report below is the application of what I have learned thus far in this class.

Section A: Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY conjunctive interactions	7	8	9
EQUITY negotiated interactions	4	5	6
DOMINANCE coercive interactions	1	2	3

Table 1a found online at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#ennead-chart

In section (a), I will be using the ennead chart (Table 1a) to categorize the verbal and non-verbal interactions between Rafi and Bryan in the movie Prime, as well as the interactions between Elizabeth and David in Just Like Heaven. These interactions will be broken up into the 9 zones contained in the ennead chart. Through the interactions, the plot of the two movies will be summarized, while the specific act that defines which zone the couple is in, will be summarized in the Ennead chart below (Table 1b ). In addition, in section (b), the two movies will be analyzed and contrasted based on the data in section (a). Finally, in section (c), I mention a major problem with how these types of movies and TV shows portray relationships, and the potential affect it can have on a younger generation.

The nine zones that couples proceed through to achieve unity is contained in the ennead chart (Table 1a), and numbered in the order of the couple’s progression. A couple’s interaction progresses through phases, namely dominance, equity, and unity. Dominance is characterized by male dominant, or coercive interactions, equity is characterized by disagreements, bargaining, and negotiated interactions, while unity is characterized by harmony, agreement, and conjunctive interactions

At each phase, the couple has three domains of behavior to progress through – sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. Sensorimotor is characterized by what you do, or your external interactions, cognitive is characterized by what you think, or your internal interactions, and affective is characterized by how you feel, or inmost interactions). However, a couple’s interactions can be at any one of the zones depending on the situation, although ideally the interactions would stay in zones 7, 8, and 9 (unity). Bolded numbers in the cell represent the zone of interaction in which the husband is closest to his wife.

This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY conjunctive interactions	7 · Heaven: David tries to steal Elizabeth’s body to save her	8 · Heaven: David chooses to eat better like Elizabeth was telling him to, uses a coaster	9 · Heaven: David just wants to make her happy and keep her alive
EQUITY negotiated interactions	4 · Prime: Dave is supposed to clean up the apartment while Rafi works · Heaven: David agrees to help Elizabeth so she’ll leave him alone	5 · Prime: They’re both thinking of each other, so they stay apart · Heaven: David has to decide between Elizabeth and Katrina	6 · Prime: They both care for each other · Heaven: They both share their feelings on the roof
DOMINANCE coercive interactions	1 · Prime: Dave and Rafi have sex without achieving cognitive or affective intimacy · Heaven: David tried to drink alcohol, but Elizabeth didn’t want him to	2 · Prime: Dave is only thinking about himself when he insults Rafi’s boss · Heaven: David only cared about how stupid he looked in front of others	3 · Prime: Dave didn’t want to deal with Rafi when she was upset or interested in babies · Heaven: When Elizabeth was worried, David was only concerned about money

(a) Story Details Divided into the Nine Zones

Zone 1: External Coercive Interactions

Prime: In Prime, Rafi is a 37 year old with a therapist getting over a divorce. When she meets 23 year old Dave, she starts to have fun in a relationship again, and her therapist encourages her to keep at it. They both get more flirtatious, and on their third date, they have sex.

Heaven: Elizabeth is apparently a spirit living in David’s apartment, which was her apartment before her accident. David tries to confront her with the fact that she’s dead, but she is refusing to listen. A psychic that David hired tells him that his real problem is the wife he lost. After having to confront his wife’s death, David decides to go to a bar and drink. Elizabeth says he better not dare, and to not drink his feelings away, but David refuses. She keeps telling him not to drink, and when he tries to drink, she possesses his body and stops him from drinking while slapping him in the face. She then throws his drink into a woman’s face.

Zone 2: Internal Coercive Interactions

Prime: After Rafi and Dave had sex, Rafi tells her therapist all about it, and the therapist realizes that Rafi’s Dave is her son! Rafi continues to spill intimate details about their life and sex life, and then Dave discovers that he’ll have to move because his grandparents traded condos with a couple in Miami, and his hours at work were cut to 1 hour a week. So when a guy at Rafi’s workplace calls him a model, he insults him back, calling the guy a hairdresser. However, the “hairdresser” turns out to be Rafi’s boss, and she tells him that what he did was uncool, and “Who was he to talk to her fellow workers like that?”

Heaven: Elizabeth had thrown David around to prevent him from drinking because it wouldn’t solve his problem (about his wife’s death). Although, Elizabeth tried to help David by stopping him from drinking, he only complained about looking like a lunatic in front of all the people in the bar.

Zone 3: Inmost Coercive Interactions

Prime: Because Dave doesn’t have place to stay, Rafi invites him to stay at her place. They try to get to know each other’s hang outs and friends better, but Rafi’s friends express concern about how much younger Dave is than Rafi. Rafi also tries to introduce Dave to an art manager, but she gets caught up with a couple’s baby. Although she expresses a lot of interest, Dave rolls his eyes and walks away. The therapist also confesses that the person Rafi is seeing is the therapist’s son, and that she knew it for 5 weeks. Rafi is very upset, but Dave isn’t very supportive. When Rafi wanted Dave to be upset, Dave instead tried to smooth things over to her face, but behind her back yelled at his mother. Also, he was upset with Rafi and couldn’t handle her because she was upset about her therapist betraying her trust.

Heaven: David agrees to help Elizabeth find her identity so that he won’t have to deal with her anymore, and he won’t have to admit that he’s talking to himself and is crazy. While trying to help Elizabeth find her memories, David ran into a guy who was cheating on his wife, and David thought the guy was cheating with Elizabeth. While she was concerned about her reputation (she didn’t want to be labeled a lonely home wrecking slut who did that old man), all David cared about was that the man was going to pay him off for not telling the wife about the affair and thus ignored her feelings.

Zone 4: External Negotiated Interactions

Prime: Dave and Rafi get into a huge fight when Rafi discovers that Dave was trying to hide his friend in her apartment. She’s primarily upset because she feels she can’t trust him, and because he won’t do things around the apartment and just sits around all day. The only two things she wants from him is to tell her when someone’s coming over and to clean up the apartment, but he failed at both. Dave argues he feels pinned down, and that she doesn’t give him enough space, while Rafi complains that she doesn’t get enough privacy when she comes home because he’s always there.

Heaven: After the bar incident, David is mad at Elizabeth for making him look like a lunatic. While Elizabeth is wondering why her spirit is still on earth, David tries to cut her short. When she said she’s scared that she might be dead, David is sympathetic. Elizabeth asks him for help finding her identity, and when he refuses, she says that he can either think of their situation as: (1) she unconventionally appeared to him, or (2) he’s crazy. So he decides to help her so that she’ll be free to leave him alone.

Zone 5: Internal Negotiated Interactions

Prime: After their fight, she tells him that she thinks they should be able to see other people. She says it’s not working out and that she can’t trust him anymore. The art manager gets back to Dave, and says that Dave’s art is great. He buys paintings for $2000 and tries to book an art show for Dave. Dave manages to get his own apartment; however, Rafi still won’t return his calls. Dave hooks up with a girl that Rafi works with, and has sex with her. Dave then manages to get back together with Rafi, and Rafi is even accepted by his family. However, when Rafi finds out that Dave had sex with one of her workers, she breaks up with him. When they meet up again, they kiss, but Rafi says that she wants more- she wants a family. Even though David is willing, she says that he’ll regret it, and that his willingness shows his love for her.

Heaven: Elizabeth has found out that she was a doctor, and that she isn’t dead, but her body is in a coma. Although Elizabeth was unable to get back into her body, she decides to stay with her body in the hospital instead of going back to her apartment with David. While David is sad now that she’s gone, Katrina invites herself over. Katrina is very forward, and undresses in David’s bedroom, and says that she’s waiting for him. Meanwhile, Elizabeth comes back to the apartment, with news that the doctors want to take her body off life support. Katrina comes out in a towel and says she’s lonely and wants to be with him. Elizabeth says that David should be with Katrina because it’s what Katrina and he both want, and that Katrina’s right in front of her (whereas she can’t be with him physically). However, he wants to be with her and goes after her.

Zone 6: Inmost Negotiated Interactions

Prime: After their final break up he sees Rafi a year later. But when he sees her, he still has feelings for her – he first rushes out trying not to be seen, but then stares at her through the window. Although they both see each other, they both know that they can’t let their emotions get the better of them, and he walks away.

Heaven: After David leaves Katrina, and chases after Elizabeth, David opens up about his wife who died. He tells her about how she died, and how he never got to say good-bye. When Elizabeth asks what his wife was like, he lists complaints with a smile, and although he says those things made him mad, he cried. He then shows his concern over Elizabeth’s life, because the doctors won’t pull the plug on her body unless her sister says it’s okay. He asks if Elizabeth’s sister would actually sign the papers, and Elizabeth only answers that she hopes her sister won’t sign them.

Zone 7: External Conjunctive Interactions

Prime: Unfortunately, Dave and Rafi didn’t manage to get into the unity phase at all (Zone 7, 8, or 9) because they were too focused on negotiating with one another. David did love Rafi, but he didn’t like being “pinned down” in her home and couldn’t put her above all else. And, although Rafi did love Dave, he simply didn’t take enough responsibility to be her man. She wanted someone who would settle down and have children, and although he said he would do that for her, Rafi knew that it would just ruin his life and “pin him down”.

Heaven: David visits with Elizabeth’s sister, but she already signed the papers saying that she approves of taking Elizabeth’s body off of life support. Because he’s desperate to save her, he and his friend break into the hospital and steal Elizabeth’s body. This way, they won’t be able to take Elizabeth off of life support and it’ll give Elizabeth more time to return to her body.

Zone 8: Internal Conjunctive Interactions

Heaven: When Elizabeth left her apartment to stay with her body in the hospital, David comes back to the empty apartment, and is terribly sad, missing her. Although he initially reaches for the potato chips, he remembers Elizabeth telling him to take better care of himself, and instead fries up two eggs. As he was about to put his drink down, he also remembered that she didn’t like him putting his drinks on the table without a coaster, and grabs a coaster.

Zone 9: Inmost Conjunctive Interactions

Heaven: Since David can’t get Elizabeth’s sister to stop unplugging Elizabeth’s body, he tries to save her by stealing her body to give her time to recover. When his friend reminds him of how much trouble he could get into, that he could be thrown in jail, David says he doesn’t care- he’s doing it because he loves her.

(b) Analysis and Contrast of Prime and Just Like Heaven

Prime was a movie about two mismatched couples – one 37 year-old Rafi and a 23 year-old Dave. This couple started in the dominance phase, which was obvious by their preoccupation with sex, and little else (zone 1). However, when Rafi wanted to learn more about Dave – for instance, about why he didn’t want to paint for a living, or why he hid his paintings, he was very secretive. He only wanted her to see one side of him, and wasn’t ready to fully conjoin. Although they often though of each other (zone 5) he had problems pulling his weight (zone 4) and often fell into zone 3, where he didn’t care about her feelings, like when he insulted Rafi’s boss, or blurted out that she knew a lot of liars, or when he wasn’t understanding about Rafi’s foul mood after learning her therapist betrayed her trust (zone 2). Although they both loved each other, and wanted to make each other happy at the end (with her wanting him to be free, and him wanting to have a baby with her), Dave kept reverting to the dominance phase, and Rafi knew that even if Dave could be happy with her now, he may regret it later. She knew their relationship could go no further than equity, and the reason she said they might be able to have a relationship later is because maybe in time, when he’s ready to settle down and focus on conjoining with her, could their relationship work out “happily ever after”.

Just Like Heaven was a movie about a guy and a girl thrown together by fate. The guy, David, was the only one who could see the spirit of the girl (Elizabeth) who lived in his apartment. Although at first he only wanted to be rid of her, through her help and her concern, she managed to mend his heart, which had been broken from losing his wife. Although he knew her for only a short time, David grew to love her. And despite the dangers and the consequences, he risked everything he had to save her life when the doctors were able to remove life support from Elizabeth’s comatose body. Although these two weren’t your ordinary couple, they shared a love for each other that not only gave Elizabeth life by reuniting her soul with her body, but gave her a reason to live, besides work. He gave her romance, and fun, things she couldn’t recall having. Needless to say, David and Elizabeth’s love was grounded in the unity phase, with both willing to do anything for the other. Although the ending of Just Like Heaven seemed like it would end terribly, as Elizabeth didn’t remember David after she was reunited with her body, when she awoke she realized she was missing something. At the very end, David fulfilled Elizabeth’s dream of building a garden on the rooftop of her apartment, and in one monumental flashback, she remembered everything that had happened while her soul was separated from her body – especially the love they shared.

These two movies were actually almost polar opposites. While Rafi and Dave’s budding relationship took off with passion and sex, David and Elizabeth started off fighting about whose apartment they were in, and whether or not he should be drinking alcohol. And while Dave and Rafi’s relationship stonewalled because Dave couldn’t commit to the unity model, David and Elizabeth constantly did things for each other’s benefit. And while Rafi realized her relationship with Dave could go no further, and had to break up with him, Elizabeth realized that David was exactly what she was missing in her life all along.

(c) Movies’ Effects on Relationships and Marriage

There are many problems with the media, starting with how they portray things to always work out in the end-that as long as you love someone, that’s enough, and how they promote the dominance model and arguments in the equity model. The biggest problem with the media that people don’t understand is that the media is simply trying to make things as interesting as possible. As a result, they cram episodes with arguments, conflicts, and unnecessary drama, which usually wouldn’t happen in real life. By promoting these relationships with characters constantly fighting and then having “make-up sex”, they are saying that fighting isn’t a problem. Before the end of the episode, you know that the couple will get back together and be carrying on as usual. By promoting arguments as normal, they are encouraging disjunctive acts between couples, destroying their togetherness and chance to conjoin. And by showing that fighting is normal, the audience begins to think of a

life of conjugal heaven on earth as nothing more than a dream.

This reasoning is exactly the same as what I’ve heard from my friends. When I discussed this with my friends, most of them agreed with the media’s perception: that couples fighting is something that’s perfectly normal and natural – even healthy! This is positively terrible, because if they think that fighting is fine, and that whenever they want something they should argue for it, then they’ll never achieve a unity marriage. However, one of my female friends did agree that fighting and constant negotiation in a marriage is bad – she felt that the couple should be striving to do things for each other, and that by doing things for one another, they should be happy. Although my friend did believe in this unity, and thought that it was the best way a marriage could work out, she had been influenced by the media as well, and believed that this unity was nothing more than an ideal or dream – not reality. This is the terrible effect that movies displaying couples in dominance phase and equity phase relationships can have on everyone – it makes heaven on earth nothing more than a dream.

Section B: Findings of a Prior Generation

Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:

This is Table 9

1. Living together unmarried

2. Having children out of wedlock

3. Making each other jealous on purpose

4. Adultery for various reasons

5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12. Manipulating partner through deception

13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

This Table is found at http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209

Laura Moa (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm): Laura discusses AUV #6, “dressing sexy for men other than one’s partner”. She says that this often happens in the media, and because men are constantly exposed to unreasonably sexy women in the media, it “encourages men to expect pornographic behavior from their wives”, causing the wife to feel insecure. She also relates AUV #6 to AUV #3 (“making each other jealous on purpose”) by saying that a wife may dress sexy for other men because she wants to make her husband jealous. She also talks about how the media promotes AUV #7 and #8 (“placing a same sex friend ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things” and ”having a heterosexual best friend who is placed in front of the partner, or in competition for certain things”, respectively). She says the media and society say that having close friendships or relationships with others leads to a healthy lifestyle, but that time is actually best spent “developing a ‘best friend’ relationship with one’s spouse.

Tiffany Akiyama (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm): Tiffany talks about AUV #11 (“separate interests and activities accepted for partners”) and discusses how maintaining this anti-unity value keeps the husband independent from his wife, so that they can’t achieve unity. She talks about how this AUV allows the man to escape from his relationship with his wife, which will lead to avoidance and separation in their relationship. Just as Laura did, Tiffany talks about AUV #8 (“having a heterosexual best friend who is placed in front of the partner, or in competition for certain things”) and how it allows for the husband to be influenced by many factors other than his wife. She says that achieving a conjoined self, where they are dependant on each other, isn’t possible if the husband is being influenced by other anti-unity values that the heterosexual best friend may be reinforcing. By giving the friend a place in front of his partner, the husband shows that the wife isn’t his first priority, forcing her to compete for his love and attention. Tiffany also talks about how different anti-unity values interrelate to one another, and in her section, she related AUV #11 and 8 to a whole variety of other anti-unity values such as 13, 22, and 23.

Crystal Bulda (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm): She relates her own experiences of her friends who were influenced by anti-unity values. For instance, she relates that it’s common to see same sex friends go out for entertainment together and leave the spouse at home. She says that the fun they are seeking, without the partner is a hellish intention, because it can lead to a feeling of independence from the partner. She also talks about how men exploit women in the media, all because our culture allows women to be exploited as sex symbols, dependent on men.

Angela Murray (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report1.htm): Angela talks about AUV #1, (living together unmarried) and says that it is against the unity model because it involves not committing to each other or the sanctity of marriage. By doing this, Angela says the couple is missing out on their chance to conjoin with one another. Angela says having children out of wedlock (AUV #2) is even more complicated because the couple has the choice of continuing to live together, or breaking off their relationship. Either way is terrible for the child, and strains the parents. Angela also talks about AUV #8, (placing a heterosexual best friend above one’s partner) in regards to her boyfriend, who in the beginning of their relationship was totally devoted to her. However, Angela’s boyfriend starting paying more attention to his friend’s girlfriend, and excluded her when they spent time together. In addition, she talks about how separate activities and interests (AUV #11) were shown to have a negative effect on a marriage on the show Super Nanny, because of the disjunctive effect on the couple. As for AUV #13 and 14 (agreeing to disagree and not trying to change one’s partner) she felt that not everything about a couple can change, and that it will take time. So if the husband is always argumentative, expect it not to change soon. However, she does agree that change is something that should come in time. And finally, she talks about how adultery (AUV #4) is always wrong.

Christine Gora (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm) : Christine says that the AUV “illustrates that there is no reciprocity in gender rather the man are dominant and permitted to be aggressive and degrading towards women.” She says that if the man continues to exhibit anti-unity values, he will never be conjoined to his wife in the afterlife, and their relationship will remain in the dominance phase. She talks about an experience she sees often: a couple having a baby out of wedlock. She says that when the wife’s attention is diverted to the child, the husband becomes jealous, abusive, tempered, and manipulative towards the wife.

Katie Ida (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm): Katie talks about values that she found in the list that surprised her – because she perpetrated them. For example, she talks about AUV #9 (same sex friends going out for fun without the partner), and how she never thought anything was wrong with it. However, she defends herself stating that she acts differently when she’s alone with her girlfriends, and that the person’s intentions behind AUV #9 is what really matters (going to a social gathering, or doing something you wouldn’t normally do with your partner). She also talks about AUV #7, (putting same sex friends before one’s partner), and says that depending on the depth of the relationship, she does put her girlfriends above her boyfriend because if she loses her boyfriend, she doesn’t want to have no friends to fall back on.

Christina Afonin (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-report1.htm) : Angela lists values from those that are very obvious (like unmarried couples, children out of wedlock, adultery, etc. She also mentions simple anti-unity values such as placing a friend above your partner, excluding the partner in events with friends, lying, manipulation, saying men are more important, more rational than women, and that women are lighthearted, men can exploit women, etc. She also describes values that she didn’t think were obvious, such as having separate interests agreeing to disagree, or not changing one’s partner. She says that changing someone is best because it would be better for that person, or the couple as a whole. Christina also says that everyone is guilty of having a girl or guy’s night out, but that it can lead to resentment from either partner.

(a) Harmful Effects of Gender Portrayals in Younger Children

In the section “Effects of Gender Portrayals in Younger Children” the general consensus seemed to be that gender portrayals in society and the media are very harmful to young impressionable children. Laura Moa (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htmhttp://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm) made the point that the children are very impressionable as they imitate their heroes and peers. Unfortunately many children look up to rappers who sing lyrics that are insulting or abusive towards women. Laura backs up this information with facts – she uses studies with a strong correlation that suggest that the media has an effect on children.

While Christine Gora also talked about how children have been negatively affected by the media’s portrayal of sex and that men should get it, she also talked about something else: prevention. Christine Gora (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm) said that her mother emphasized strong values that you must be married before having sex, and to find your soulmate. Her mother said that if she waited, she will be together with their partner in heaven (like unity!). Although Christine interpreted this to mean she should protect herself when engaging in pre-marital sex, it did help escape pregnancy before marriage (an anti-unity value). Christine said that cycles of being bullied into sex at a young age are difficult, but to escape them, you have to “educate and instill value in the later generations by encouraging positive behaviors at home, school, and extra curricular [activities].” Interestingly enough, though, she seemed to think it was acceptable living life with anti-unity values because they were acceptable to society (even though it was no way to achieve unity in marriage).

(b) My Impressions of Gender Portrayals in Younger Children

Personally, I agree with most of what the other students said. Because children are often impressionable and mimic those who are older than then, or those they see on TV, it makes it all that much more important for parents to be good role models. That said, I do believe that only part of the blame falls on the media. In movies or TV shows with too much sex, violence (especially against women), etc. all of these important points are labeled. Each movie or TV show is rated to indicate how violent it is, or whether or not there is swearing. When parents aren’t watching out for what their children are watching, it is the parents’ own fault. However, there are lots of things that fly under the radar, or that movies don’t fully report or watch out for. For instance, when couples are portrayed to be angry all the time, arguing, or portrayed so the man dominates the woman - these are serious things to watch out for! Unfortunately, even if you restrict the ratings on your cable box, you won’t stop your children from picking up on the wrong kind of gender portrayals. But of course, this is why parents are supposed to protect the children. From my developmental psychology course, I learned that the first time your child watches a new show, you both should watch it together, so you know if you approve of its content. Also, if the content isn’t something you approve of, you need to show your disapproval. This way, the child knows that such content is considered bad, while not being ordered to not watch it (in which case, they may rebel by doing what you don’t want them to do).

While most of my media-bashing surrounded TV and movies, music is an even larger problem. For one thing, it’s much harder to ban your children from listening to a particular CD, because they can buy it themselves, often with no restrictions (unlike, say, buying an R rated movie). Also, it’s very easy for friends to bring over their CDs, or for your child to go out listening to CDs with their friends. And to top it off, some of the worst, most female-degrading trash is in music. Rappers who sing about “hitting that”, beating up the girlfriend, or lovin’ and leavin’ are often the worst. Personally, I bypass the whole mess by listening to Oldies Radio (107.9), which I’ve always enjoyed. Although there is some male-dominant behavior even on those songs, I find that they are far more tame than the music coming out today.

Frankly, I’ve always felt that these gender portrayals that are degrading to women, such as being obedient, are very harmful for young children to be hearing. However, this course was very useful to exposing me to many behaviors which I hadn’t considered to be male-dominant, simply because I had seen them in so many TV shows. For instance, I thought that the husband expecting to have dinner when he comes home, and being upset if he doesn’t was perfectly okay. Why? I had seen the same thing on many TV shows – All in the Family, Family Ties, etc (yes, I like old sitcoms too!). I was shocked that the little everyday things I had considered normal were actually perpetuating an undeserved female stereotype. And it’s in part because of how wrong I realized I was that I feel that paying attention to media influences is even more important to protecting children from gender portrayals. Because although I knew that some things were wrong about the TV shows I watched, it was what I didn’t know that was so much more important. Because what I didn’t notice were little habits and expectations that I was picking up that I shouldn’t have. I think a large part of the reason I had my head on straight, though, was because my mother is very much a feminist, and believes that that type of outdated thinking on All in the Family is for the birds. Because my mother watched those TV shows with me, and expressed her disapproval, I learned from her how I should act if I wanted to be in a real relationship.

(c) The Relevance of Gender Portrayals in All Things

My mother was largely responsible for clearing up the crazy gender portrayals I had seen on TV. Instead, she taught me to always treat women properly (with respect and consideration). She also taught me to be very polite, especially to my elders. Because of that, I hadn’t really had many problems when I’m at work or school. And because I was taught many ways of how boys and girls should behave from my mother, I had no problems interacting at home, but at times had embarrassing interactions outside of the home. For instance, my upbringing has made me uncomfortable with today’s normal situations. One example is when I meet with a professor, it’s hard for me to be anything but serious and direct. For instance, once I was meeting with a professor in his office. I stood, waiting for him to tell me to sit down, but as we had been talking a while, and he didn’t, I thought about sitting down anyways. However, when I did so he said that it was his dog’s seat. Horrified that I offended him, I got up, but it turns out he was only joking. Because I was always taught that a boy should be polite and gracious towards his elders, it backfired on me when I met a professor who didn’t draw such a strict line between us. Also, I had been taught that girls were supposed to be sweet, kind, and quiet. I was in for quite a rude awakening when I hit intermediate school. I found that girls I thought were nice frequently talked poorly of others behind their backs, or that some girls didn’t like my more indirect attitude when talking to them.

Overall though, I think that the portrayals that boys should be polite, and that girls should be nice isn’t a bad thing. Although in many situations I can be considered “too polite”, I would rather be considered “too polite” than “too rude”. And certainly men being kind and compassionate towards woman is the ideal! Because of this, I think that future generations could learn the same principles I had been taught. Although it certainly is old fashioned, the advantage is that you can deviate from it without offending anybody. And based on my experiences, kids certainly will deviate from it.

(d) Psychology Literature Review

In the literature review, I found an article entitled The Development of Gender Stereotype Components (Carol Lynn Martin, Carolyn H. Wood, and Jane K. Little (1990, December). “The Development of Gender Stereotype Components”. Child Development Vol 61 Issue 6.) They studied a group of 4-6 year olds and a group of 6, 8, and 10 year olds. They first studied the 4-6 year olds and asked them if a child liked a particular kind of toy (masculine or feminine) then would how interested would they be in other toys? Then, they described one trait from one of four categories (appearance, personality, occupation, toys) that is considered to be feminine or masculine, and asked the older group of children to rate how likely it is that someone with that trait would have feminine or masculine traits from the same category and from different categories. From this they reached the conclusion that children first learn stereotypes related to their own sex, and later learn them for the opposite sex. This means that stereotypes continue to develop into middle childhood. They explain this by suggesting that children move through a series of stages in stereotype development. In the first stage, they learn things that are directly associated with each sex - like dolls with girls and cars with boys. The 4-6 year olds in the study were in the second stage, where they’re learning more complex stereotypes about their own gender. And the final stage was reached by 8 year olds, which is where they learn complex stereotypes about the opposite gender. Carol Lynn Martin et al. also reported that as children get older, they make more stereotypical assumptions based on gender or interests.

I was kind of surprised that children would have already learned complex stereotypes by the time that they’re 4 years old. To me, this underscores the importance of being a good role model for your children. Also it emphasizes how important it is for the husband and wife to be a harmonious (and conjugial), because if the husband is abusive, the child will learn that. From this research we can see that the media can play a big part in influencing a child’s stereotypes, even at a very young age. And because children learn from what they see and experience, it’s also vital to monitor what your children are watching to see if it’s teaching the things that you want your children to learn! I think it’s also important to mention that it means that making the TV a substitute baby-sitter could be a problem. On some TV stations although they have shows geared towards children in the beginning of the day, around 2:00 they start showing stuff meant for older children. In addition, because the parents are the children’s role model, it’s just as important what the parents watch. If they watch shows that are degrading to women, the children may learn that those are acceptable values and start learning those stereotypes.

Section C: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

(a) Summary of Disjunctive and Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

Disjunctive verbal interactions is when the husband doesn’t want to listen, or talk to the woman, lies to her, keeps secrets from her, yells at her, insults her, trying to make deals with her, refuses her requests, refuses to accept her ideas, refuses to adequately make up with his wife, etc. Conjunctive verbal interactions are the opposite – the man wants to listen to and talk to the woman, he doesn’t keep secrets, he never yells, or insults her, he doesn’t strike deals with her, he does what she asks of him, and listens to her opinions, and always makes up for every disjunctive act he perpetrates, in a way where she is happy. He can learn how she can forgive him through observing her and talking with her, and making an effort towards mental intimacy.

(b) My Opinion of Disjunctive and Conjunctive Verbal Interactions and its Relevance

Personally I do believe that disjunctive verbal interactions are bad and conjunctive verbal interactions are good. Disjunctive verbal interactions basically mean that through what you say or don’t say, and what you do or don’t listen to separates you from your wife. This definition fits because all the examples that I’ve listed in Section C (a) do exactly that. By not listening or talking to your wife, you are separating yourself from her. You aren’t listening to her thoughts and feelings, and you aren’t sharing your own. You are making it impossible for her to conjoin with you. Conjunctive verbal interactions are the opposite – they promote joining between the husband and wife.

Knowing this, when you’re in a relationship you can make sure to not use the disjunctive style of interactions. When you act disjunctively, not only do you upset your wife, but you also distance yourself from her, making happiness and heaven on earth impossible! To achieve heaven on earth you must conjoin with your wife. To conjoin, you must first apologize for all your previous disjunctive behavior. Based on what you know about her, and through a discussion with her, find out how you can apologize so that she will forgive you. Her forgiveness isn’t for sale, and she can’t be bought! Although gifts are nice, they alone will not make up an apology. As long as you have her forgiveness, and only use conjunctive verbal interactions you will move closer to achieving unity.

And knowing if what you’re saying is conjunctive of disjunctive is useful for a variety of other reasons as well! If you want to get along well with your boss, the last thing you want to do is argue with him or insult him (disjunctive interactions). Instead you want to be nice and listen to him (conjunctive interaction). If you’re working on a group project and need to collaborate together, the last thing you want to do is ignore them and refuse to listen to their ideas. You instead want to hear them out – you’ll finish faster and the project will work better too! Basically knowing the difference between conjunctive and disjunctive interactions can come in handy whenever you need to work with or be with somebody!

(c) Disjunctive and Conjunctive Verbal Interactions in Gender Discourse

The first snippet of conversation in Gender Discourse that I will analyze is on page 58.

Female: So uh you really can’t bitch when you’ve got all those on the same day but I uh asked my physics professor if I couldn’t change that]

Male: [Don’t ] touch that

Female What?

Male: I’ve got everything jus’how I want it in that notebook. You’ll screw it up leafin’ through it like that.

This conversation is obviously a disjunctive one. Not only does the male order the female by saying “Don’t touch that”, but the male interrupts her (the brackets indicate the overlap) to order the female not to touch his notebook. Here his order, and disregard for what she’s saying indicates that he isn’t listening to what she’s saying, or doesn’t care and believe what he has to say is more important. Instead of getting her attention and then talking to her about why he doesn’t want her touch his notebook, he interrupts her and orders her around! Truly disjunctive.

The second snippet comes from page 97.

Todd: What the hell we supposed to talk about? I mean I know what’s bugging me.

Richard: What’s bugging you?

Todd: [snicker] That we don’t talk.

Richard: Who don’t talk?

…

Todd: We’re doing it again

Richard: What?

Todd: Not talking.

Richard: I know. Well, go.

Todd: We’re not even making small talk any more. [laugh]

Richard: Right, okay. I mean you know. What can I say? I mean, if you meant everything you said last weekend and I meant everything I said.

Todd: Well of course I did. But I mean, I don’t know. I guess we’re growing up. I mean – I don’t know. I guess I live in the past or something. I really enjoyed those times when we used to stay up all night long and just you know spend the nights over someone’s house just to talk all night.

Richard: mhm

Although this conversation is a bit slow and halting, it’s clear that they’re both talking and listening to each other and taking each other’s emotions into account. Definitely a conjunctive conversation.

The final snippet is on page 98.

Todd: But now we’re lucky if we say anything to each other in the hall.

Richard: Oh, all right! [challenging intonation]

Todd: I’m serious. I remember walking in the hall and I’d say “Hi” to you and you’d say “Hi there” or sometimes you’ll push me into the locker if I’m lucky [laugh]

Richard: We ta:lk [protesting]

Todd: Not the same way anymore.

Richard: I never knew you wanted to talk.

Here Todd is talking about how he feels sad that the two of them don’t talk anymore. However, Richard is being disjunctive, challenging Todd’s statements (“Oh, all right!”), and denying what he says (“We ta:lk!”). Richard refuses to believe that he’s part of the reason that he’s not so close to his friend anymore.

Section D: Conclusions and Advice to Future Generations

(a) What I’ve Learned Because of the Unity Model and It’s Benefits

Some of the most important things I have learned by studying the dominance-equity-unity model of marriage relate to me not realizing what exactly fell into the dominant, equity, and unity models. Understanding how all the day to day things that fall into the three categories was pretty difficult, especially understanding dominant traits that are passed off as fair (such as the husband works, he plans the budget). Another very important thing I learned in this class was the existence of the positive bias. Whereas the negative bias in science tells us to reject anything that cannot be proven, the positive bias tells us that until it’s proven, something may be possible. Basically it’s saying that we should have our minds open to the possibility that things not yet explainable can be true. This was actually how the Greeks thought as well – long before we could see cells with electron microscopes, the Greeks believed that our bodies were made out of smaller bodies jammed together, working in tandem.

I’ve also learned a lot about unity. Although I’ve always thought of true love as something very similar to unity, I never knew that a unified way of thinking about this “true love” existed, much less guidelines to stay in unity, and tips as to how to achieve unity. To me, this was the most important part – information I could take from this class to help me recognize and achieve true love. Of course, at first, I didn’t recognize my idea of “true love” as unity. That’s because although I believed that true love consisted of a man who loved and would do anything for a woman, and vice versa, I at first didn’t see that in unity. I suppose I was confused by how much emphasis the lecture notes had on the man changing to conjoin with the woman. It was hard for me to see that the woman is automatically trying to conjoin with the man when they first get into a relationship. I had simply thought that the woman does little things, like listen, while the man was being told to change his habits and personality. Whether it’s because I didn’t see it enough, or because my friends had been hurt by women in their relationships, it was hard for me to accept that the woman always wants to be with the man, and will change for him without being asked. I suppose if this idea was stated together with the idea of the man needing to change (to balance it out), I might have understood it better, although I think that might simply be tough to grasp.

(b) My Advice to Future Generations

The very best advice that no one can hear often enough, is that you should get started on your report early. This report has easily taken over 16 hours for me to complete. I certainly didn’t expect it to take that long, so it’s all the more reason you should get started now! I know that you future generations are reading this as you first come into class, so if there’s one thing to remember about this report it would be: start it early! Other than that, doing a good report should be easy as long as you follow the directions and keep up with the reading. And do make sure to do the reading! Although it does seem like a lot to read at times, especially the lecture notes because they aren’t in page form, everything you read is important. The lecture notes are your key to understanding this class, and marriage as well! Guys, although I know that some of this (but mostly your pride) may be hard to swallow, the material you learn here can lead you to true love. Although you may not have a sitcom wife who does everything for you, you’ll have a strong and true relationship in which you would want to do things for each other. Now isn’t that worth a little reading?

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