Report
1
Disjunctive vs.
Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By Stefanie Reiber
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm
G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Section A: Categorizing
Interactions Using the Ennead Chart
I am going
to compare relationships from two different movies using the ennead chart.
First I will describe each story and give dialogue from both. Then I will
analyze the dialogue and finally discuss how relationships are depicted in
movies influence young people and the rest of the population.
a) Storyline and Dialogue
I am going to briefly describe each movie then show examples of dialogue
in different zones of the ennead chart.
“Prime”
A twenty-three year old Jewish boy, Dave pursues a thirty-seven year old
woman, Rafi who happens to be a patient of his
mothers who disapproves of him dating someone who is not Jewish. They struggle
to grow and love each other despite her saying he can’t give her what she needs.
Through all the difficulties and problems, he chooses to give her what she
needs, even if it will change his life entirely when he isn’t ready for it. In
the end she rejects his offer to have a baby with her but knows how deep his
love for her is. They end their relationship with love and the acceptance that
they cannot be together because of their age and maturity difference.
Dialogue:
The Ultimate
Dominance Phase Conversation-
He is way more important (Zones 1, 2, and 3.)
In this scene Rafi comes home from work and
Dave is there and he is hiding his friend in the closet from her because he
knows he isn’t suppose to have people over without letting Rafi
know first, since it is her place.
Rafi:
“What is wrong with you? I cant’ believe I have to come home to this, people
hiding people in the closet and you lying. You’re a god damn preschooler,
Dave.”
David: “You’ve had me on lock-down
since the minute I moved in here.”
Rafi:
“What?”
David: “Yea, you tell me that you
want me here and then you treat me like an inmate.”
Rafi:
“An inmate? I mean you barely carry your weight around here. I do everything
and you can’t even clean up the place. I mean that the one thing you tell me is
when you bring someone here.”
David: “This is not such a big deal,
ok. You need to get over it. I am not Francis, I’m not lying to you, I am not
cheating on you, I’m definitely not avoiding you.”
Rafi:
“That is really reassuring and in good taste.”
David: “Whatever, I can’t do this
anymore. You should really get a dog if you want to give orders cause I really don’t give a shit anymore.”
David storms out leaving her there alone having to deal with the situation in her own head.
The Unity Scene Zones 7 and 9
After Dave shows up at her place and
apologizes for screwing up they are making love in her bed and this
conversation is happening.
Rafi: “You sure about
this?”
“Why now?”
Dave: “Because you
want this more than anything in the world and I want to give it you. I want to
make a baby with you”
Rafi
rejects this idea because she says Dave will regret it someday but she is
thankful and knows how much he loves her.
Lots of Zones Zones 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
In a cab after leaving a party, Rafi wants to go back to Dave’s house which she has never
seen before.
Rafi: “Let’s go to your place.”
Dave: “Rafi.”
Rafi: “ I
want to see your place”
Dave: “You are not
missing much.”
Rafi: “I want to see where you sleep when you are
not in my bed.”
Dave gives in and they go back to
his apartment.
What Dreams May Come
This is a story of a husbands and
wife’s love for each other. Chris and Anne meet and are married and have two
children. Their kids die in a car accident when they are young. Annie doesn’t
get over it so well and ends up in a mental help place. Chris comes to give her divorce papers
because he cannot live like that anymore and has to move on, instead Annie
doesn’t give up and they reconcile. They call this day their “double D Day.” On
their double D anniversary Chris is killed in a car crash. Chris goes to heaven
and learns about the afterlife but only thinks about Annie. Annie (back on
Earth) kills herself. Chris learns that she is in hell and goes to find her.
Against all odds and what is known in the afterlife, their love is strong
enough to bring her out of hell and into heaven where they can live together
with their kids. They choose to go back to Earth reincarnated as kids to find
each other again.
Dialogue: All of the scenes from this movie are
ideas of unity phase or will lead to the unity phase.
Zones 7, 8, 9
In this scene, it is their “double D
day” and Annie calls Chris at work with a patient.
On intercom : “Mrs. Newton line four”
Chris: “That’s my wife.” (Takes call)
Annie: I’m
having a meltdown.
Chris: It’s okay. Focus.
Annie:
(explains how things are falling apart at work) “… and it our double D
day and I can’t make it. I’m sorry.”
Chris: Okay how about this? (he
makes a plan to fix the situation)
Annie: But they are all the way out in
Chris: I’ll pick them up after work.
Annie: You’d do that for me?
Chris: Only if you’re extremely grateful.
Annie: Okay weirdo. I’ll be home late, but I’ll be
there.
Chris: I love you Bella.
Zones 7, 8, 9
In this scene Chris is
talking to Annie about a conversation he had with someone she used to work
with. Annie is in the mental help place.
Chris: “She said you were crazy. And then I said
that she was a soulless bitch.”
Zones 1, 2, 3 , 7, 8, 9
In
this scene Chris is visiting Annie at the mental help place and giving her
divorce papers because she isn’t getting any better.
Chris: This is a one way ticket, (pause), for me. My
part in this isn’t helping, its killing me. This is
like a D day. D for decision I guess. D for divorce (with
plane ticket/divorce papers in hand).
Chris: “… not because I remind you but because I
couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up okay.”
Annie: “okay” she is crying, grabs Chris’s hand
Chris: “Its okay”
Annie tears up ticket. They cry together.
Zones 7, 8, 9
In this scene Chris and
Annie are in heaven after just being in hell.
Annie: remember me? (laughs
a little, smiles big). Sometimes when you lose you win.
Chris: How did we get here?
Annie: Travel here is like everything else. All you
have to do is close your eyes, if you know where you’re going. I guess we did.
Chris: I tried everything, nothing worked.
Annie: Until you tried joining me.
b) Dialogue in
the Ennead Chart
I am going to analyze the dialogue examples above and then contrast the
two movies.
The Ennead Chart (Read from bottom up, left to right)
|
Zone 7
Sensorimotor
Unity Altruistic
Sensations |
Zone 8
Cognitive
Unity Altruistic
thoughts |
Zone 9 Affective Unity Altruistic
feelings |
|
Zone 4
Sensorimotor
Equity Intellectualized sensations |
Zone 5 Cognitive Equity Intellectualized thoughts |
Zone 6 Affective Dominance Intellectualized feelings |
|
Zone 1Sensorimotor Dominance Self-centered Sensations |
Zone
2 Cognitive
Dominance Self-centered thoughts |
Zone 3 Affective Dominance Self-centered feelings |
Prime
The Ultimate Dominance Conversation
In
this scene Rafi is calm but upset that Dave
disrespected her only wish that she be notified that someone was coming
over. Dave lies about having a friend
over and when he is caught in the lie he raises his voice and attacks her, like
she should back down.
Zones 1 and 2
He raises his voice toward her
Thinks and says that she needs to get over it
Says she has had him on “lockdown”
Hasn’t helped to clean up or provide in anyway
Refuses to see her point of view
Walks out after demeaning her and getting the last word in
Swears at her/ Talks down to her
This scene shows that Dave has no
respect for Rafi because he (Zone 1) doesn’t provide
in any way, ignores her only rule, yells at her, attacks her verbally, and
walks out. He behaves in Zone two when
he refuses to see her point of view, thinks she needs to get over it, like it
isn’t a big deal, and thinks that her supporting him
and letting him move in is “lockdown.” It seems that he is selfish and thinks
that he didn’t do anything wrong. I think, however, this scene shows that Dave
obviously knows he is wrong but is not man enough to admit it so he loses
control and blames her. When people are wrong they act this way more often than
not. They would rather keep their pride for whatever sake. This is still in the
dominance phase because he would rather keep his pride then admit he was wrong
and make things right. I started to think that he really doesn’t think that he
is on lockdown or that she is asking too much of him, but when I reviewed the
prior scene where he says he “isn’t living rent free” shows that he does think
that she is asking a lot of him. This is a very dominant way of thinking and
the whole scene is based on his Zone three action.
Zone 3
His having a
friend over because he feels like it is more important than her one request
that she be notified.
Dave clearly feels that what he
wants is more important than what she wants. Instead of just asking he ignores
her only request and disrespects her feelings and desires.
The Unity Scene
In
this scene Dave expresses his love and willingness to plunge into a world he
isn’t ready for just to give her what she wants. He is willing to put her
desires first.
Zones 7 and 9
He wants to have a
baby with her even though he might not be ready and will regret it.
He is willing to
give up his life/youth to make things work with her.
Giving her what
she wants is more important than anything else.
The lots of Zones Scene
In
this scene Rafi asks to go to Dave’s Place after a party.
He lives with his grandparents and has only called them “roommates” misleading
her that he doesn’t live his grandparents. So he is dishonest and hides things
from her.
Unity Zones 1, 2, 3
He hides who is
roommates are and misleads her into thinking he has actual roommates other than
living with his grandparents. Lying is anti unity value and shows that his
pride is more important than being honest with her.
Unity zones 5, 6
This is in the equity zones because
since they always sleep at Rafi’s house it would only
be fair and equal to let her sleep at his house.
Unity Zones 7, 8,
9
Even though he
really doesn’t want to, he sees that it is important to her so he brings her
back to his place. This shows that what she wants is more important than
whether or not he is embarrassed. And that though he is scared for her to find
out that he lives with his grandparents, he doesn’t want to be dishonest about
it.
What Dreams May Come
First Dialogue example Unity Zones 7, 8, 9
This is unity because Chris takes
the phone call from his wife even though he is in the middle of seeing a
patient. Which shows that she is his first priority.
She is having a meltdown and turns
to him right away. She doesn’t have any solutions and he knows that that day is
very important to her and him. He (right away) thinks of a solution and is
willing to go out of his way to make everything work out. He jokes with her to brighten her mood. All
are unity at all levels, thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Second Dialogue
example Zones
7, 8, 9
This is unity because it shows that
he stands up for his wife and does not let anyone talk bad about her.
Third Dialogue
example Zones
1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9
Zones 1, 2, 3
This is dominance phase because Chris
brings her divorce papers and explains that her being weak is killing him. He
admits that he isn’t going to join her. He is moving on with his life. He tells
her not to give up as he is giving up on her.
Zones 7, 8, 9
This is unity because he loves her and wants
her to get better but isn’t helping and joining her in misery wouldn’t help,
unless it made her feel strong like she wanted to support him and encourage him
to get better, but you can’t say for sure. But he wanted so bad for her to be
happy again and wanted her to make the decision that is why he didn’t make the
decision but came to her for her to decide.
Fourth Dialogue
example Zones
7, 8, 9
This is unity because he joined her and they
were totally conjoint. He chose hell over heaven just to be with her. And he
gave in all of the way he could bring her back to heaven.
c) Stuck in the Dominance Phase
I am going to discuss how relationships are portrayed in movies influence
younger generations. I am also going to discuss how it has affected me and
other people.
It is pretty obvious how
relationships in movies influence us and younger generations. My analysis of
Prime and seeing a lot of unity level in the movie is a lot of my own deception
of relationships. They do not have a
unity model relationship but because I am used to the dominance phase (in
movies and real life) I think the smallest things that can be found at the
unity level overcome or outweigh all the dominance zones found in a
relationship. This isn’t good but I’m so accustom to the dominance phase that
any unity behaviors from a man is significant to me.
It is clear how psychological
mechanism can be used to influence the population when you look at extreme examples
of dominance or disrespect. For example rap music referring to women as bitches
and hoes and portraying women as such, wearing little or no clothes and being
one of many women for one man influences women and men that this alright and a
happy life. I asked a friend if he could suggest a movie for me to watch where
there is a good relationship of a happy couple. He said he couldn’t think of
one because if there is one he doesn’t know what the story plot would be. If
there is not drama then there isn’t a good story. This proves that in nearly
every movie we watch where the main focus is a relationship, it focuses on
drama. If in most relationships we see in movies there is
cheating and lying then that is what we are used to and expect.
The
portrayals of movies do have an influence. It is scary to think that we can’t
portray a perfect relationship in movies because it is only imaginable and not
something real. This isn’t true but is going to be if the same things continue
to be portrayed. It is the same with any other issue, if we are taught that
something is okay and normal then that is how we act.
__________________________________________
Section B: Findings of a Prior generation
I am going to read and
discuss reports from Generation 25 reports section “Effects of Gender
Portrayals on Younger Generations.” Then I will discuss my reactions, the
relevance of my findings to my everyday life, and then describe psychological
literature about this topic.
a) Student Reports
I
read the following student reports from G25, Report 1 that discuss their
observations of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are
regularly portrayed in the media.
Moa discussed rap music and how exposure to
the type of negative ideals can have harmful affects on the impressionable
minds of youth.
Bulda explains
that children might or probably think that what they see in the media is how
they have to be. She says “If the media, which is a huge impact on the younger
generations, doesn’t portray unity values, then there is nothing for the youth
to live accordingly to.”
Murray agrees that the media is influencing
our youth, especially girls. She explains “So many girls are learning the same
lessons right now, watching movies and listening to songs which promote woman
bashing and male domination.”
Christine Gora uses a
different method. She talks about religion and her family history. Her focus on
Anti-unity values and having children out of wedlock shows that not only are we
learning, not only from the media but from prior generations in our family. It
is acceptable today to have a relationship in the dominance phase with anti
unity behaviors because children are not taught any better. It is helpful and
important for children to learn about spiritual connections with your partner.
Katie Ide seemed the most interested and bothered
by the reality of how much negative ideals are being
portrayed in the media. Among many other strong and important points she says
“It seems
like the younger generations are going downhill and none of them will have
stable and unified relationships because they have never seen an example of
one.” She explains that in movies, tv,
and music we are being surrounded by negative values in relationships.
Afonin explains that younger generations
are easily influenced because that is when we are still trying to figure out
who we are. Since we don’t even know how we are being influenced we don’t know
to not pay attention at that age. She explains “in their ignorance they will
succumb to their society and sacrifice their happiness.”
b)
My Reaction to Prior Generation findings
I am going to describe my
reaction to their findings and then explain how my views have changed since
this course. I will also discuss why I think it is important to know this
information now.
I agree a lot with the prior
generation’s findings. The media has a huge influence on the population,
especially the younger people. I have studied and learned in many classes how
the media affects us in promoting gender stereotypes, like girls should be
skinny and sexy and guys should be manly and successful. However, I never
noticed how the portrayals of relationships in movies influence us. It is true
that through movies and reality we are being taught that Anti unity values are
acceptable and a happy life. We are taught to settle for less. Like Afonin says
in her report our ignorance is leading to the sacrifice of our happiness
without us even knowing.
Before this course I used to think that I was just needy or
girls in general are needy. I believed that I could be the best girlfriend by
not needing or asking for attention or sadly to say trust. I used to think that
I had a good relationship because I could do what I wanted and my boyfriend
could do what he wanted. Since I was afraid to ask questions about what was going
on because I didn’t want to scare him, I spent a lot of time in mental distress
wondering what he was thinking about our relationship. I realized that he
wasn’t. This is sad to realize. Since a combination of this class and the
ultimate dissatisfaction with my relationship I have been able to see where and
what I was unhappy with and make changes. Slowly I have become more assertive
and made sure I was being respected and that he knew what I wanted and what I
deserved.
I think it is important now
that the people I know and that I recognize how we are being influenced. It has
been fun and intense being in a relationship while going through this class. I
feel very lucky to have such an understanding and giving boyfriend. I am way
more serious about the relationship then he is but it is nice that I notice so
many unity values that we possess. It has been tricky too because when he does
something that hurts me I can really see how it affects our relationship. I
used to let things go and remain in the
dominance phase but because I see the importance of me and others knowing this
I point it out to him. We have had a few arguments and close calls since then
but our relationship is stronger now then it was before.
I have
also tried to teach and point out how some behaviors are actually unacceptable
in my friend’s relationships. My girlfriends are afraid to stand up for
themselves and so when I start to explain to the boyfriend how calling and
treating your girlfriend like a whore isn’t cool or it’s alright (because she
is kind of into it) if he mentally and emotionally fulfills her intimacy needs,
he felt attacked and actually got up and left. I wasn’t surprised.
So it is important that I
and others become more aware of what we think is okay and not but it is hard to
move out of the dominance phase. Like I have learned in Dr. James other class,
to change we have to admit that we are doing something wrong first and people
don’t like to do that. If my friend’s boyfriend could admit that he is wrong to
call his girl or all girls whores and sluts then he could think about not doing
it. I don’t think he will change, and I think my friend will stay with him.
c) Everyday Life
I am going to explain the
relevance of this to my everyday life and how it has affected me and the way I
look at things now. I will also talk about how this affects younger
generations.
Like I said, I realize how
much I have been influenced and what I think is okay or a good relationship is
really dominance and it is just now changing.
Like some students mentioned in their reports, I was also aware of how
gender stereotypes were portrayed in the media and how that affects us (for
example girls being skinny, flawless skin, wearing makeup and dresses and boys
liking sports and hot chicks, etc). I
never really paid attention to how the same thing happens in the portrayal of
relationships in the media or now everyday.
In most relationships I see
with friends and their boyfriends, parents and even in my own relationship I
now am aware of Anti unity values and behaviors. I thought I didn’t want to do
anything about it because it isn’t my place to ruin a relationship or point out
to a wife or girlfriend how little respect and love they receive. But since I
can am easily aware of the anti unity values I don’t really hold back.
Again I have made many
adjustments in my own relationship too. I have been able to explain to my
boyfriend when and how he isn’t respecting me enough (like when he doesn’t
listen or avoids a conversation). Since I have pointed these things out he has
treated me way better, when I never realized how disrespected I was being
before. He has some trouble accepting a few things and thinks that I need to
stop bringing concepts up from this class when I am upset with him. I explained
that what I am learning is real and logical and all I want is to be conjoint,
in which case what I am asking for isn’t too much. He called me psycho so I
broke up with him, cried the whole next day and thought I was single. That day
he tracked me down to make things right. Now, this past week, everyday has been
strange while he does the things I have wanted him to do for a long time. Is it
too little too late?? The knowledge I have learned from this course made me
more proud of myself and showed be what I should expect from a relationship,
after all I put into it.
Noticing my need for
emotional intimacy and trust has made my relationship stronger because I have
been able to teach my boyfriend that this is how it should be and I am not
going to be part of a male dominant relationship. I put all of myself into our
relationship and I think he should want to do the same. Everyday life is different and better now
because I am being treated better and am smart enough to notice what is
happening around me. This course has started to let me see what I should really
be looking for in a relationship instead of what I have learned and been
settling for.
This will happen to younger
generations if they do not know any better now. Boys and girls are being
influenced and they will never know what to look for if things don’t change in
the media and morals and proper ideals are not instilled by parents and our
generation now!!
c) Psychological Literature
I am going to describe some finding from some
psychological literature I found in online journals and explain why what they
found is important.
The Psychological literature I read from the online
journals all agreed that the media does affect the population’s behavior
because we do act how we see is normal. Some articles reviewed how the affects
of media can be positive and negative.
One article: Sexism, Hostility toward Women, and
Endorsement of Beauty Ideals and Practices: Are Beauty Ideals Associated with
Oppressive Beliefs? (Gordon B. Forbes, Linda L. Collinsworth, Rebecca L. Jobe,
Kristen D. Braun and Leslie M. Wise) found in the journal Sex Roles
takes a more “feminism” point of
view as it assesses hostility and attitude towards women in relation to beauty
ideals instilled in girls and boy by the media. The writers believe that the
media and its portrayal of women are largely at fault for the hostility toward,
oppression, inequality of women.
Another article I found that discussed the HBO
series Sex and the City and its
portrayal of sex and sexual health. The article Entertainment Media and Sexual Health: A Content Analysis of
Sexual Talk, Behavior, and Risks in a Popular Television Series discusses both sides of how the media, specifically
this show affects and influences the population in both negative and positive
ways. The article addresses many ways
television demonstrates and negative or unhealthy sex and relationships,
however it analyzes how Sex and the City has
a positive affect on sexual health on those influenced by it.
I
am torn on this article. I understand that this shows sex and relationships
from women’s points of view but I think mostly the characters are used to the
dominance phase. So it is an improvement in the media but it still perpetuates male
dominance.
__________________________________________
Section C: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Verbal Interactions
(a) Couple Discourse: Sexy versus unsexy
conversation style
I am going to discuss section 17a from the class
lecture notes about disjunctive and conjunctive verbal interaction.
Verbal
interaction is very important in a relationship. There are two types of verbal
interaction: disjunctive and conjunctive. Disjunctive verbal interaction is
verbal interaction that prevents/avoids/rejects conjunction. And of course
conjunctive verbal interaction is verbal interaction is where a man wants to
conjoin with his wife and knows how to listen and respond to his wife.
In
the lecture notes Dr. James calls this sexy or unsexy conversation styles of husbands.
Disjunctive
verbal interaction is unsexy conversation style of a
husband and conjunctive verbal interaction is sexy conversation style of a
husband. Unsexy conversation style kills the desire for
physical intimacy of the woman for the man. This is because when a man does
not listen or appear interested in what a woman is saying it hurts her. She
actually feels mental pain. When she is hurt this way, the mental intimacy of
the couple is weakened which leads to a lack of desire for physical intimacy
for the man by the woman.
Unsexy conversation style is common in many relationships
(non unity relationships). Some examples of unsexy
conversation style is
-Man interrupting woman
-disagreeing with woman
-jokes about woman not giving sex enough
-changes the topic focus
-ignores questions
-Laughs at her
-sitting/staring blandly or fidgeting (not
focusing on her) while she is talking
This style of interacting with a wife or
girlfriend shows her that the man is not interested in her, what she is saying,
giving her the impression that she is unimportant. She realizes that he cares
more to focus on her being wrong then her feeling good. It is not his priority
to make her feel good, at peace, or important to him. Hopefully it is obvious
why this kills sexual desires. If she doesn’t feel respected and important to
that man then it is hard to desire being physical intimate with that person.
Sexy conversation style and interaction by a
man or husband is paramount in a relationship. This makes sense- as how the man
treats and make the woman feel is the most important in a relationship (because
as long as she feels strong and fulfilled then the more love she can give and
the more love the man receives). Conjunctive interaction or sexy conversation
style is at first hard for men to accept, understand, and be good at, but it is
all worth it once he gets it down.
Examples
of sexy conversation style are:
Appearing interested
Being animated, showing emotions
Matching facial expressions and emotions
Facing her, eye contact
Agreeing or supporting her views
Listening without trying to solve her
problem (just so she’ll stop talking)
Want to hear what she has to say
These behaviors are very important. Women can see and feel when they are not
being respected, listened to, or insulted (even if it is only in his head).
This is the most important thing in a
relationship because intimacy depends on feelings. This is focused on men’s
habits of not listening or the man’s necessity to have a more sexy
conversational style because it is biological for women to want to conjoin and
agree with the man she loves. She adapts his sense of humor, taste, and
interest in his hobbies. If a man does not adopt his wife or girlfriends sense
of humor, passion, emotions then the intimacy is lacking if existent.
This
is hard for a man to do because he likes his independence and does not want to
conjoin at first. Once he realizes how much he benefits form being mentally
conjoint with his wife or girlfriend then he understands how to treat and talk
with her. If he interacts with in disjunctive ways or talks with unsexy conversation style then she is injured. To repair
her injury and their mental intimacy, the man has to make it up to her. Just
apologizing isn’t going to do it. She is injured and needs to be repaired. He
has to prove that he cares and that he loves her more than he loves himself.
Repairs have to made and conjugial interactions
(through sexy conversation style) have to take place to achieve the ultimate
mental intimacy and conjugial love.
Dr James list four rules of Conjugial
Interactions for the Husband
Rule #1: be reactive and friendly whenever
his wife is talking to him
Rule #2: deny himself
the right to express disagreement with her
Rule #3: create and atmosphere where the
wife/woman feels free, comfortable, unoppressed and
safe.
Rule #4: use conversation as a method of
enhancing her mood, making her feel loved, young, and stimulated in the mind
Dr James also supplies an ennead chart of
Characteristics of Husbands Discourse. This is table 7aa in section 17a part 4.
This is Table 7aa
Characteristics
of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL
HE USES |
THREEFOLD SELF OF
HUSBAND |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
3 UNITY |
** tries to never
talk in an unfriendly tone |
** thinks that his
views don't matter as much as his wife's views, since he is trying to adopt
her views for the sake of unity in eternity |
** loves to learn how
to make his wife more important in his mind than himself |
|
2 EQUITY |
** talks like he is
always out to defend his views, rights, or conveniences |
** thinks that her
views are not as relevant to the specific situation |
** loves to retain
for himself some areas of independence |
|
1 DOMINANCE |
** interrupts her |
** thinks that women
are less intelligent than men |
** loves to dominate
her more than to be intimate with her |
This is a great chart as it is easy to understand.
A very important and interesting matter that
Dr James discusses is Spiritual secrets.
These spiritual secrets, according to Swedenborg, are special womanly
perception in the interior mind the God gives women about men’s unconscious and
subconscious affections and desires. This is very important to realize because
this means that men can hurt women without realizing it because they don’t even
know how they are feeling or thinking, but the woman does.
(b)
What does it mean?
In
this subsection I am going to explain my opinion and understanding of the
definitions of the two types of verbal interactions. I am going the importance
of it to me and others and discuss its relevance in my life now.
I think this makes perfect sense. Men should
learn the difference and consequential results of sexy and nonsexy
conversational styles. It is obvious and logical that a woman wants to conjoin
with her man and that a man can be willing to conjoin or resist conjunction.
The spiritual secrets that women have (through god) are important (for the man
to realize that we have).
Calling
disjunctive conversation style unsexy is a very good
way to make distinction between what is helpful and what is not in
relationships. If a man want to turn his woman on he
has to listen to her, appear to be animated, sympathetic, shows that he cares
and sides with her. If this happens the woman can actually feel his accordance
with her and it turns her on to him. If she feels his disjunctive response, it
hurts her and she feels pain and embarrassment and disgust of herself and
definitely of her man, which is of course no desire for physical intimacy with
him. This injures the relationship and
will take tiem and lot of energy to repair and can
only be repaired by the man.
It
seems easily comprehendible that if a man does not want to spend time and
energy repairing how he hurt his wife or girlfriend then he would think first
and listen and agree with her, she her that he feels the same and understands
her.
In
my environment, or in my case with my boyfriend and I,
the topics discussed in section 17 really make sense. I notice how I really am hurt when he sides
with another party’s views when I am retelling a story. If I am telling him
something like a story about a disagreement between me and a friend, I am
obviously telling him because I want him to have my back and am upset when he
sides with her or sees her point of view as being right or defends her. This
shows me that he is okay with me being upset and hurt and would rather have me
feel this way then to stand up against another friend and make me feel better.
To repair this injury, he has show me that he understood why I was upset and
have my back even if it meant not talking to our mutual friend because of
something she had done to me.
Knowing
this knowledge and being able to teach it to my boyfriend has been very helpful
and helped him become a better man and our relationship filled with trust and
love rather than whatever isn’t made of substance.
(c) Examples from Deborah Tannen’s Gender and
Discourse
I am going to
select some examples of dialogue from Gender and Discourse then analyze each
explaining whether it’s conjunctive or disjunctive.
Page 37:
Wife: “Why do you turn on me? What did I do?”
Husband: silence
Wife: “what did I do?”
Husband: He looks at her as ifnot
knowing were another injury.
Husband: “Look lets just
go to sleep now. Forget about it.”
Wife: “Forget about
what?”
Husband: He says
nothing.
This is a disjunctive conversation. First the man doesn’t
answer her and then gives her the impression that she should know. He withholds
information from and then when she asks about it, he still withholds the
information and then withholds why she should already know what he is not
talking about. He then dismisses her, and tries to drop it so she will shut up.
He tries to leave her unsatisfied after each statement. It is hard to say what I would do in this
situation because you want to know but if he is going to disrespect you that
way then I would want him out of my room or wherever. I would, now since I have
taken this course, explain to him that ignoring me and treating me like that
really hurts my feelings and shows that he doesn’t care about hurting my
feelings. I would point out what he is doing and how it is causing me mental
distress or hurting me and then ask why it is more important for him not to
tell me that information then for him not to hurt me.
Page 75:
Earl: What’s your favorite joke?
Zoe: uh, my favorite joke is probably…OK, all right.
This guy goes into a doctors office, and--,
Earl: I think I know
this one… A guy goes into a doctors office, and the
doctor tells he’s got some good news and some bad news- that one, right?
Zoe: Im not sure, this might
be a different version.
Earl: So the guy says,
‘give me the bad news first.’ And the doctor says, ‘You’ve got three weeks to
live.’ And the guy cries, ‘Three weeks to live! Doctor what is the good news?’
And the Doctor says, ‘Did you see that secretary out front. I finally fucked
her.”
Zoe: frowns
Earl: That’s not the one
you were thinking of?
Zoe: No (accusation in her voice) Mine
was different.
Earl: “Oh” he looked
away and then back again. “You teach history right? What kind of history do you
teach?”
This is very much a disjunctive conversation. At first he is
asking he a question like he is interested in getting to know her. Then he
interrupts and tells his joke. He is rude. He didn’t pay attention to what she
wanted or her at all. He offended her and never et her
tell her joke. This reminds me of a young college kid dating a grown up and
this would happen at a dirty bar. He is not interested in her. He is interested
in himself, which is very dominant and it sucks. They will probably never hang
out again because he blew it.
________________
Section D: Conclusion and Advice to
Future Generations
a) I am going to explain
what I have learned and how it has affected me and give any advice on how to
improve the course.
I have learned so much from this course. I am surprise how so much of
what Dr James presents is obvious if looked at from another view or bias. I
have always just thought of women being nuts and men just have to deal with it.
I knew men and women were different but I wasn’t sure how to explain it because
I couldn’t see what it was. Now I can see how they are different and am more
proud of my feelings and actual talents I possess as a woman. It is still easy
to think that the dominance phase is acceptable but the more I observe it, the
more I notice it and how unacceptable it is.
One concept which has been difficult
is having to describe the concepts to friends. They
are willing to listen and most are excited to hear about other ways
relationships work, but many friends have trouble seeing that the dominance
phase is bad and that there is something better and that Dr James has the
answer. Learning this stuff has caused trouble in my relationship but really
the trouble was there and since it has been brought to light, changes have been
made and the relationship has improved so much.
The unity model of marriage is a
great model and will benefit those who learn about it. The class is well
structured and it is made easy to understand and be able to explain the
concepts to others. Maybe on the part of movies and how relationships are portrayed,
taking a brief look on Disney movies and children’s first impression of
relationships could help. But I don’t know how it would specifically, just a
thought.
(d) Advice to Future Generations
Here is my advice
to future generations.
Definitely try hard to stay on top of your
work. Do things on time. Print the readings out so they are easy to mark up and
reread.
Read the reading and try to grasp the
concepts and then apply them to your life. They are very beneficial and really
make things feel better. You don’t have to be whipped if you are a guy but you
can have a better relationship and learn how to communicate and treat a woman
better. You don’t have anything to lose by treating people better.
________________
Section E: Links
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/lastname/lastname-home.htm
G26 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm
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