Report
2:
The Unity Model
of Marriage:
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
By Stefanie Reiber
The instructions for this report are
at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 6, 8, 10, 12 and 14.
Question 6:
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of
the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
(b) Go to Dr. Phil's Web site www.drphil.com/shows/show/378 and look at
the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice on how
they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. As for example
here: www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/2009/?id=2009&isTip=&slide=1&null=null
You can also look at some other materials by him. Now analyze Dr. Phil's
approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).
(c) State your conclusions and
recommendations.
(a) You lika da sex?
The lecture notes explain the two
types of loves- love of the Sex and love of one of the sex. There are four
levels of sex, 0, 1, 2, and 3.
Zero- animalistic.
This is the kind of sex where there is zero intimacy. It can be done with many
partners, like dancing at a club. This kind of sex happens and is the least
fulfilling as it usually only gets one person off and then it is over. This is
pointless and I consider this masturbation even if it is with another person.
This is not exclusive love and can be don’t with anyone.
One- this is Sex
with physical intimacy. You may cuddle or even perform foreplay, have sex with
this person often but there is no cognitive conjunction or intimacy. I still
think this is pointless and you might as well masturbate, though this is the
level that many relationships start on. This, unfortunately is not exclusive
love, but might turn into it.
Two- This is sex
that reaches cognitive intimacy. The couple thinks about each other and wants
to know each others’ thoughts. They have a connection and this should be
exclusive!
Three- The is the
best sex, where a couple are conjoint and have affective intimacy. This is very
exclusive and both partners main goal is to please the other. This is awesome.
Non exclusive love or sex (zero and
one) are purely physical, non rational and gross in my opinion. I thin Ani
Difranco said it perfectly, “sex is masturbation in the vagina.” This is what happens in non exclusive sex.
This is very common and is not satisfying in any other way besides a quick non
meaningful release. I think this kind of love or sex actually has a negative
affect on both men and women, leaving them feeling gross, worthless, and ultimately
unsatisfied. This is like animal sex, nothing but physical and when it is over
there is nothing to be said for it.
Exclusive love is way better
especially when you are effectively conjoint. I can’t imagine any thing more
pleasurable then wanting to please a lover and him neglecting his desire to be
please to please me because that is all he wants. This is not just about sex
but this includes, thinking and feeling for your partner too!! When two people
want the other to be so happy, at all three levels it is amazing. It is almost
selfish to want to please someone that much!!! This should be the goal for
people in relationships.
(b)
Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil surprisingly
gives good advice to couples who want to improve their sexual relationships. He
is rational and explains to many women that they should take time for
themselves and to husbands that they should take care of the children to give
the wives time to themselves so they are ready for intimacy. In one couple’s
case the wife claimed that she gets touched all day long by the kids and when
it finally comes to bed time she does not want to be touched by her husband she
just wants to be left alone. She also says that she wants her husband to open
doors for her and hold her hand and that would give her motivation to have sex
and be physically intimate. The husband admitted to not holding her hand or
doing those small things, but just touching her night when he wanted sex. Dr.
Phil rightfully laughed and explained that if would hold her hand she would have
sex. That sounds simple but Dr. Phil was right.
He gives unity advice here because what he meant is do the little things
to show her that you care, give her emotional fulfillment and her desire to be
physically intimate will surface.
As I
was writing that last statement I realized I might have misunderstood Dr. Phil.
He might have been implying hold her hand (make her seem like you care) and
then you can have sex with her. I don’t think he meant that, but if he did then
that is bad. I am gonna stick my initial interpretation, that the husband
should give her emotional satisfaction to achieve physical fulfillment for the
both of them, which is unity.
He
also talks with a couple who was dissatisfied sexually. The man wanted
threesomes and that made the wife uncomfortable. He explained the dangers of
that and how it would ultimately ruin their marriage. He sides with women and
rationally explains to the men how they are being ridiculous and illogical. He
really puts it quite simply (almost in equity terms) if a man does the little
things and gives his wife time to herself then she has more desire to be
intimate. He uses the phrase, “We stop becoming friend and lovers, and become
mom and dad,” to explain what happens in many marriages these days. His ultimate
advice is for the man to step up his responsibility and the woman will desire
physical intimacy in the long run.
I
viewed many of the power points and summaries of guests’ stories and his
advice. He shows a lot of information and explains to men a women’s point of
view which is hard to do for a man I am sure. He addresses issues such as
different sexual styles, what women want, what men want, how to do both, etc.
(c)
I don’t usually like Dr. Phil
I never really liked Dr.
Phil because I thought he was a know-it-all and he annoyed me. I realized I
never really watched his show before. I saw one episode actually, where his
wife was a guest and they were answering questions about how they have such a
great marriage and he was giving advice. This was way over a year ago and I
didn’t listen to what he said, but I probably rolled my eyes at him and his
wife. I can’t believe I did that now, after being in this course. I am sure he
probably said some very valid and helpful things.
I
thought that Dr. Phil would have a male dominant perspective on things but I
was wrong. This makes sense since Oprah likes and supports him. I trust Oprah
and I should have realized this a long time ago. I now recommend watching him
and I will not flip through the channel with ignorance and spite for him for no
reason. I will hear what he has to say before rejecting his views (or
accepting).
Question
8:
(a) In your own words, describe the unity
model of marriage and the mental states of the couple's threefold self.
(b) Describe any difficulty or resistance
you have experienced regarding the unity model, including
(i) the idea of a unity couple as a higher
state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg's observations of marriages in heaven.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when
you tell them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as
given in the Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the unity model influenced your
thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the
unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to teach the unity
model to couples, and at what age?
(a) Go “unity model,” go!!
I love the threefold self (especially
in the context of the unity model in marriage). I will explain it in my own
words. Like the ennead chart shows, there are nine levels of the self in
relationships. The threefold self (sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective) acts
on all three phases of relationships (dominance, equity, and unity). The sensorimotor
is our physical or physiological behavior/actions. The cognitive self is how or
what we think about. And the affective self is our emotions or feelings.
The three phases of a relationship
that our three fold self (3x3) acts in is the dominance phase, equity phase,
and unity phase. At the dominance phase, which is the lowest level of a
relationship, there is no emotional intimacy. The equity phase of a
relationship is better but still it is easy to fall into the dominance phase
and also there is still more willingness and sacrifice from the female, and
there is still a certain amount of disrespect toward women at this phase.
In the Unity Model of Marriage the all
levels of the threefold self are much different. At this level in a
relationship the woman and the man both desire conjunction on three
levels of the threefold self. This is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing
that could happen in a relationship. Biologically a woman wants to conjoin with
her man, which means she wants to give up her independence and be unified with
her man, be recognized as one unit. Though this sounds scary to man when he
gives in and reaches this point he is willing to give up his independence.
Again this is very rewarding and fulfilling though it at first sounds scary.
Like I said, woman wants to conjoin with her man so it is a given that the
woman desires to please her man physically and mentally. However a man doesn’t
biologically know to please his woman emotionally, but only knows to please him
physically. In the unity model of marriage the man denies his biological
tendency to put himself first and he desires to please his woman and reach the
highest potential of a relationship.
Since the man finally is willing to
give up his desire to remain independent, he desires to be unified with his
wife/girlfriend. You can see this in all levels of his threefold self. At the
affective level his feelings revolve around her. She is his first priority. At
this point her feelings and thoughts are more important than his (keep in mind
that she is already at this stage and his feelings and thoughts are her
priority). This dedication or just plain thoughtfulness of his wife makes him
think about her before he makes decisions. Hence, his sensorimotor behaviors
are directed towards her happiness and security. He sees her as more important
than himself.
Once the wife feels this emotional
intimacy her desire for physical intimacy (or to please her husband) is
outrageous. Both man and woman are so fulfilled in everyway with the desire to
please the other. What more could you ask for???
Lastly, it is important to look at the
psychobiology and anatomy of men and women and their mental bodies. Just like
our physical bodies are different and reciprocal, our spiritual bodies are
also. This is awesome because it means that soul mates can be conjoined for
eternity!!! Spend eternity with the one that you love so much… now really; what
more could you ask for??
(b) Feeling resistance??
I have always
loved love and dreamed or still dream of being so in love that I want to spend
my whole life with that one person. The idea of a higher state of life than all
others with that one person (soul mate) only makes that dream all the more
dreamy. I am quite a romantic and love the idea of spending an eternity with
one person that I love and well worship and want to be a part of. I (will of
course but,) cannot wait to love someone so much that I want to be part of that
person and vice versa. I guess more the vice versa part, to be loved so much
that a person (who I love equally) wants to spend eternity being conjoint with
me!! This is what I have and still dream about.
Until this class I did imagine being
in love with someone and marrying that person and growing old together. Now I
am being asked what resistance I have against “the eternal significance of
marriage.” HELLO?? That sounds way more awesome than “death do us part.” I have
no resistance toward this but only faith and hope that this can happen. I was
not sure what I felt about the afterlife but when I think about love and the
possibility of soul mates and eternal love, I have no resistance in thinking
this is possible. I will gladly accept that there is an afterlife and that
eternal love exist.
When it comes to Swedenborg’s
observations of marriages in heaven, the only reason or difficulty I have is
just the same as anything else I have with Swedenborg reports. Not that I am in
the negative bias, because I accept the possibility that there is a God and
afterlife but Swedenborg’s observations cannot be repeated or proven. That is
my only resistance. However, like everything else in his reports, what he
claims is rational, logical and fits with everything that is observable, so
really my resistance is overcome with rationality. I am stoked on eternal marriage
and love.
(c) That’s cool. That’s whack!
I described the Unity model and the
idea of marriages in the afterlife of eternity to a few friends and got a lot
of different reactions. I explained this to my sister and thought it was
definitely cool to have a soul mate for eternity. I asked a friend, who I work
with at a bar, about it and she said that people love each other and want to
love each other for ever but eventually someone is going to die, so there is no
forever. I asked her about the afterlife and if she thought it was possible to
be soul mates and live together for eternity and she said “definitely” and
talked about her aunt and her recently diseased husband.
I talked about it with my other co-worker (the bartender) and he got kind
of heated. He firmly said “Til Death do us part” explaining that, marriage is
only in this life time. I asked him about the possibility of soul mates and an
afterlife. He kept saying “it depends on how religious you want to get.” And I
explained that it isn’t about religion but if he could accept the possibility
that there is an afterlife and you can have eternal love (because men and women
have spiritual bodies that are different and reciprocal); what does he think
about that. He said he couldn’t think about that because he is 26 and single
and can’t think about being eighty and have slept with the same woman for the
last thirty years and he doesn’t know if from that point he would want to spend
eternity with her or spend eternity “slutting it up.” I then said so you want to spend eternity in
hell. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere, so we both got back to work. It
started a pretty interesting conversation with the rest of the overhearing
customers, who made jokes about being in hell. Sadly, there jokes weren’t
funny, but very serious.
My best friend, like me, my sister and my mom think it is an amazing
concept.
(d)
I’m Lovin’ it
The
unity model has influenced my thinking and my life in major ways. I am now more
aware of what kind of relationship I want and how to achieve it. I can
recognize when and how I am being mistreated and when and how I am not trying
to achieve conjugial love or unity. I have better self confidence and
understand why I feel the way I do. I used to think I was being crazy or obsessive
but I realize now the difference between that and being rational, that is the
difference between being psycho and wanting to know where and who my boyfriend
is out with and just being rational and wanting to know what is happening. I am
so happy for this class, because I realize there is a lot to learn but that I
am not illogical, like I thought I was before. (I hope that doesn’t sound
crazy!)
I think that class members gain a lot
from this course. At the least they gain a new perspective of psychology, a new
perspective on relationships, and the skill of self witnessing and modifying.
And at the most they gain knowledge on how to treat others, improve their
relationships, and understand the possibility of (and how to have) a perfect
afterlife.
This class was taught to me at the
perfect age and perfect time, being that I was/am in my first relationship
which I want to last. I don’t think there can be a particularly perfect way or
age to teach or learn this class. If you run into it at the right time, then
you are very lucky. All couples relationships are different. Just as Dr. James
learned this in his second marriage, I am learning this now in my first
relationship, and it seems like it is working for both of us.
Question 10:
(a) The Lecture
Notes indicate that in order to achieve internal unity with his wife, a husband
has to acknowledge all the ways in which he keeps himself affectively
separate from his wife, or all the ways he resists complete internal unity with
her. To help in this self-witnessing task, I made a long list of
"confessions" of those behaviors I observed myself doing in the
relationship with my wife during the first twenty years. The list of over 100
confessions can be inspected here: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/doctrine-of-the-wife2.htm#confessions
Share this list with some of
your friends of family members.
(b) What is the
difference in the way men and women react to this list? Discuss some the items
on the list with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Which items do the two of
you disagree on and why? Does this give you more insight into your
relationship?
(c) How can this list be validated empirically? How can
it be used in relationship counseling or therapy? Explain how you yourself
could make use of such a list to keep track of your relationship over time, or
that of couples you've known for years.
(a) Oooops!
I shared this list with my best
friend, my sister, her boyfriend (who she doesn’t love “like that”) and my
boyfriend.
(b) For real….
Oooops!
My best friend (female) thought that
this confession list was too personal. I explained that Dr James did this
because this is important to him and he is showing the importance of self
witnessing and self modifying. She understood it from there and liked the idea.
She was a little uncomfortable hearing this about a teacher and also she
thought that he was a little hard on himself. I don’t think she actually fully
grasped the concept of this confession list even though I tried to explain it
to her.
I let my sister and her boyfriend look
over the list (while I sat in the middle). This was a bad idea. My sister is in
the dominance mode while her boyfriend will do nearly anything for and wants to
be with her. This was very awkward and I had to tell the boyfriend not to think
of the confessions in terms of their relationship (because he was taking them
personally and proving to my sister that he didn’t act like that). He agreed
that those were good confessions and understood that it wasn’t enough to
confess but to repent and reform you should be conscious and modify your
characteristics and behaviors. My sister got irritated and walked away.
I was very surprised by the reactions
I got because I thought that women would understand and support the confession
list as a way for a man to want to modify his behavior to better treat his wife
or girlfriend. I thought that the guys would laugh or argue that a lot of the
confession were ridiculous and that Dr. James was whipped. It seemed that this
didn’t happen. I really think that the people I showed it to were rare cases
and most men would think that this is ridiculous and women would understand and
wish that a man would be willing to see his faults and desire to change them. I
think that the people I showed it (despite my explanation) thought that the
confession list was a list that the man was proud of, and he was admitting to
the world (proudly) that that is how he treats his wife. Though I tried, no one
listened when I explained what the confession list really was, that is why the
women’s reactions are weird and different than what I expected.
When I discussed this with my
boyfriend he kept falling asleep!!! This made me feel real happy (not
really). After waking him repeatedly
(after every tenth confession) I told him, all I am asking is for you to stay
awake for ten minutes and respond to this and you won’t do that. He then said,
“is that one of them (confession)?” When I said no, he said it that it should be.
Finally he sat up and listened and responded. We went through the list of
confessions, highlighting the ones he does and the ones that I do also. I was
shocked to realize how aware he is of how he treats me, as he agreed to doing
most of the first thirty confessions!!! :
1.
I upset her by raising a topic at the wrong time
2.
In our conversations, I initiate most of the topics
3.
When we talk, I pursue my perspective on the topic
rather than hers
4.
When I get upset in our exchanges, I raise my voice
and put on a stern face
5.
When I'm under stress, I don't mind taking it out
on her
6.
When I'm very angry, my body assumes a threatening
posture towards her
7.
When I feel that she is driving me nuts, I stay
away from her
8.
When I think she is not paying attention, I punish
her by making her feel bad
9.
When I feel nagged, I think it's OK not to answer
her
10.
If in a discussion, I feel that she is getting
irrational, I put her down in my mind
11.
If I get annoyed at her, I don't mind showing it
12.
I refuse to take responsibility for her feelings
when I’m the cause of it
13.
I criticize her when I feel she deserves it
14.
I hate it when she pouts because of something
insignificant I did to her
15.
I hate it the way she keeps bugging me when I won't
do something her way
16.
Sometimes I think she is a bit lazy
17.
I think she tends to deliberately exaggerate our
difficulties
18.
I often think it's unfair the way she mostly wants
things her way
19.
When things get impossible with her, I just walk
off
20.
When I leave or come home, she wants me to make a
big fuss over her, and I hate it
21.
When she has PMS, I try to stay out of her way
22.
I don't mind embarrassing her in public if she gets
on my nerves
23.
When I drive, I don't tolerate her telling me what
to do
24.
I put my loyalty for our children ahead of my
loyalty for her
25.
I show my impatience when I am shopping with her
and I think she is taking too long
26.
When I get mad at her, I stay mad longer than one
hour
27.
When I make her cry, I wait more than five minutes
to come to her rescue
28.
I let weeks go by without making her dance with me
even though I know she wants to
29.
I let days go by without giving her a shoulder and
neck rub even though she would want one
30.
I let a whole day go by without giving her at least
one kiss or hug
31.
I often change topics without satisfying her
The high lighted confessions are ones that he confessed to doing. I
justified #30 because he said sometimes I go a day without seeing you. I
explained that, we are not married and do not live together, but everyday that
we see each other he gives me kisses and hugs. I was surprised by 22, 21, and
20, but agreed and I know that he does the others. I was aware of these things
and unhappy about them before but didn’t know that he could understand them.
Well actually I don’t think he did or I did until I took this class and started
learning and then teaching him. This gives me more insight on our relationship
because these are confessions from a married man who loves his wife and is
trying to achieve unity. Just because this happens does not mean that the
relationship is doomed. It just means that there are areas that need attention
and modification. So I asked my boyfriend about how he feels…..
(c)
Something
to shoot for!
This confession list is very good and useful idea and should be validated
empirically. If a person can make a confession list can mark when he/she
witnesses him/herself doing these things and then record how he or she reacts
to catching herself do it, the confession list can be helpful, especially if it
is shared with the other person, so that it is a real confession like “I thought
this when you did this and I am not proud of it and I want to change it so I
did this…” And then both partners are working together to better their
relationship. A confession list, however, falls into the equity phase in my
mind because both men and women should do this so that each can understand each
other’s thoughts and thoughts about their own actions. This would be and
probably is a useful technique is marriage or couple counseling.
I know I could do this to help my relationship. I do this in my own life
to help modify my behaviors. I asked Demian (boyfriend) what he thought of this
and even suggested if he thought it was ridiculous and he said he liked the
idea “It would be something to shoot for.” I liked that response because it
made me feel that he is willing to make our relationship better. Then he fell
back asleep. Oh geez!
Question 12:
(a) Select three couples that you know, in
such a way that one is going to fail, one that is going to succeed, and one
that has mixed components (success and failure, up and down).
(b) Explain why you think that the
couples are failing or succeeding. Show how the unity model (with three phases)
helps you understand the relationship dynamics for each couple. Give specific
examples of their behaviors in the threefold self regarding conjunctive and
disjunctive interactions. How would you advise them to help them succeed?
(a)
This is a good one.
I am
going to choose a few relationships, one I see will fail, one I see will
succeed, and one I see with mixed components.
The first relationship I am going to discuss
is one that I see failing. This is easy considering my age, my friends and
their dating styles. My friends Annie and Chris have been dating just a few
months. They say “I love you” to each other and talk about marriage. I think
this relationship will fail and I will probably hear about it as it falls
apart.
Secondly I will briefly
look over my relationship again as one I see with mixed components. Though I
pray it will succeed, rationally and currently there are ups and downs.
The last relationship I
will talk about is one I see succeeding. A friend I call Nuni and his
girlfriend (another friend now) Miko, I believe will last forever.
(b) My observation and explanation
Annie
and Chris
Annie
and Chris say have only been dating a few months. They say they love each other
and talk about marriage and kids. He also calls her a whore and she cheats on
him. They do not respect each other because they do not know how to.
Conjunctive
Behaviors: I will point out some conjunctive behaviors
that I see in their relationship.
Annie
never wanted kids but now she thinks about having his kids. Annie wakes up
early now and exercises to show Chris that she is active. Annie doesn’t do
drugs anymore because Chris doesn’t. She is willing to change to make him happy;
in return it makes her a happier and healthier person.
Chris
introduces her to everyone he meets as his girlfriend and calls her his
“pearl.” He is proud of her and tells her that she is hot and brags to his friends
in front of her about how great she is. This makes her feel good!
If
either are unhappy they try to tell each other right away (or after they talk
to me). They are honest and do not like to stay angry t one another long.
Disjunctive
behaviors:
Annie tells me, other
friend and Chris about the lack of foreplay, cuddling, sweet talking and he
argues with her with excuses and explanations that he does enough, boasting
about how he pleases her for fifteen whole minutes!!! I am appalled, and
explain that is not sufficient.
She
wants to sleep at her house instead of on his boat that she often sleeps on
even though there is not privacy. He throws a fit when she goes home alone and
calls me to “have a talk” with her about what he requires from girl. The next night
she sleeps on the boat.
She
asks for a kiss in front of his friends and he says aloud, “alright but you
have to be my whore all night.” She agrees.
She
cries to me about he she isn’t happy or satisfied and ask if I can talk to him.
I do with her there and he says he is being attacked and storms off. She chases
him and I haven’t talk to him since.
He
finally leaves on his trip, sailing to
My
Advice:
My
advice doesn’t help much. She wants it to work but is afraid of being hurt so
she “acts out” as I call it. Then there is no trust. I tell her to get over him
because she deserves better but she wants him. There isn’t a chance that
another girl will get with him but she doesn’t feel secure so she will protect
herself and act single. SAD. If they wanted to succeed then he would make her
feel good and call her as she wished and she would be happy and not try to find
satisfaction elsewhere.
Me
and Demian
Ups and Downs! Let’s consider my relationship
(scary)! Before I began this class I
knew that my relationship needed improvement and that it was about to happen or
it was over. I was excited to move forward in my relationship!!! This course
was perfect as it helped me understand how it should improve and make the right
decision to encourage that improvement.
Disjunctive
Behaviors:
Until recently my
boyfriend hid things from me, kept secrets, had friends I didn’t know, didn’t
listen to me, ignored questions, wouldn’t acknowledge me when I entered a room,
etc. He neglected my feelings and chose himself and others over me.
He
did not brag about me and often neglected to include me in storytelling, like I
didn’t exist.
I
didn’t trust him. I would brag about other boys hitting on me to make him
realize that I had other options. This didn’t make me or him happy.
He
would ignore me and my calls and then be vague about where he was, like I had
no right to know, or like I was overreacting for wondering or worrying.
Now,
he doesn’t support m new ideas or dreams (like all I do is dream and never get anything
done).
We
never said “I love you” to one another.
Conjunctive
Behaviors: things have changed!
We or
he lets me know where he is or was and with who without me having to ask.
He
introduces me as his girlfriend and is proud to be next to me because he knows
this makes me feel good.
He
(has always) is great at cuddling and showing affection
He
laughs at my jokes
He
knows when he is getting irritated with me and is honest about it and tries to
avoid it.
He
tells me he loves me and kisses me all over.
Advice:
He is
probably so sick of advice right now but I still explain to him when he is
acting in the male dominance phase and hurting my feelings. He responds well
and seems to learn quickly. Like we learned that men do not know when they are doing
disjunctive behaviors, but women are aware, it is the same with conjunctive
behaviors!! He doesn’t even realize that he has changed and how it makes me
feel. I am much happier and it seems that he is too since this course, and the
advice (or training) that I have to offer now. I don’t like saying training
because it seems like it is animal I am talking about but I realize now that it
is true: Women receive this gift from God and I am thankful for it. My advice
to women like me is do not abuse this gift, only use it for love and use it
rationally!!
Love
and Marriage
I am
insanely jealous the relationship Nuni and Miko have. Nuni is a French guy and
Miko is a Japanese girl. They have only been dating a year and lived together
and are best friends. Miko just moved back to
Conjunctive
Behaviors:
He brags about how cool
and awesome she is all of the time.
He
doesn’t commit to any plans with out asking her first.
He
loves to go straight home to her and make her dinner.
He
loves when she wakes him up in the middle of the night to play jokes on him and
lets her know that she is funny.
They
both will ask embarrassing questions to each other. This shows that they think
each other are perfect and don’t hide anything.
Now
that they are apart for a few months they talk everyday and he tells me how
much he misses her.
Disjunctive
Behaviors:
The only disjunctive behavior I can think of
is that he embarrasses her in front of people, but considering their
personalities I don’t really think it is disjunctive. They understand each
other very well and it is awesome.
Other
than that, Nuni is a scientist and does not believe in any sort of God or
afterlife. He is a wonderful person but he believes that everything will be
discovered through science someday. I am nervous to bring up Theistic
Psychology to him because he is a genius and is way smarter than me. I will
without a doubt bring it up within the next few months.
My
Advice:
If ever Nuni asks for
advice and is thinking about making a weird dumb decision then I remind him how
awesome Miko is and how much he loves her. He quickly remembers how lucky he is
and how in love he is and gets very happy and you can see love and happiness
beaming out of him. It is so cool!! I will talk to him about the afterlife and
thinking about it as a science and see where that goes. But there love is great
and he is a good person so will not push anything on him, only ask questions to
inspire his own mind.
Question
14:
(a)
Explore the song analysis technique used by students in the 1982
generation: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?
(b)
Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 students in 2006:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/ See
their Report 1, section (e).
Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What
is your reaction in relation to AUVs and UVs?
(c)
Read the article titled "Why Britney Spears Matters" at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html
Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to
the unity model and the three phases.
(e)
What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters,
young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with the situation?
(a) I Wasn’t even born yet!!
I went through
the song lyrics and analysis of the students in the 1982 generation and didn’t
really understand their analysis. The vocabulary and ideas were different,
though they were in ways addressing the same issues, of self reliance, false
beliefs, and inner strength. For this generation there were a list of songs
with the lyrics and under each line was the analysis of what it could mean. I
think that the songs and explanations of the meanings by the students were
vague and elementary to this course. Anti-unity values weren’t discussed as
Unity values were not addressed or explained. Honestly if I went to this site
without instruction from this report’s instructions then I would not even
realize that they were analyzing songs about unity, love, or relationships. I
thought it was just random, semi coherent inferences or made up exaggerated
“deeper meanings” to song lyrics. Also I only recognized one song, which I love
(the greatest love song) still didn’t relate to the unity model of marriage. It
is not like I disliked their analysis, I did. I just didn’t see it as relevant
as other things I have seen or read to this class.
(b) No Wonder there isn’t unity.
From reading
last year’s generation’s reports, their section e, on AUV in song lyrics I was
still shocked. These songs are songs that I have heard and can probably sing
but I didn’t pay attention to the words or meanings!! I know that my sister in
high school knows them way better than I do!! Among the songs that the students
chose, showing AUV’s or UV’s, there were way more songs that expressed AUV’s.
This is because there are more songs these days with anti unity values
included.
Their technique was great. They would
pick a song explain its context and then analyze lines, explaining the unity or
anti unity value that was being expressed. This was more helpful then the songs
from the 1982 generation because it explained the anti unity values in a
realistic sense not just deciphering what lyrics meant. There were very many
songs that are very popular as “pop culture” and played on the radio for
everyone to hear. I don’t even listen to that kind of music and I had heard
most of the songs. One girl chose “Never is a Promise” by Fiona Apple which
actually goes a lot deeper than anti-unity values in a relationship, but her
pointing this out shows that beyond the fun sounding pop culture songs, there
are the sad folk, non-sexy songs that display the heartache of anti unity
values. I think that song was still a poor choice because Fiona Apple is an
excellent song writer who has endured a lot and she makes music out of it.
However that song was about anti unity (not in relationships but in the world-
which is important to look at anyhow).
The songs that were chosen to show the
use of Anti-unity values in lyrics were great examples. The students chose,
rap, R&b, rock, girl music, boy music, etc to show that it exist
everywhere. I was aware of how much girls are exploited in the music or in the
media scene in general, but when you look at in terms of how relationships are
being exploited in lyrics you can see that there is no foundation or model for
a unity relationship.
I am a huge country music fan (among
other genres) and people make fun of country music or love songs as being sappy
and lame. I think this is weird for two reasons. One is that it isn’t sappy and
lame to sing about how much you love someone. It is nice and should be
respected more as it would serve as a good influence to the younger generations
and even the older ones who cannot seem to understand that love can exist. The
other reason that it is weird that people judge country music as such is
because a lot of country music is about cheating and lying and wanting to be
with another. I didn’t realize this until recently. There are three songs that
are love songs that I used to love, recently I have paid attention to the
meaning and though they are love songs, they are being sung to someone by
someone who is with someone else. This is really sucked when I realized that
songs that I like, listen to, and sing are totally promoting anti unity values.
We need to learn that if you are not serious about a relationship and dream of
being with someone else, then get out of that relationship, it isn’t fair.
But back to the generation from 2006,
the same thing is happening. People are listening to singing songs that after a
while make cheating, slutting it up, mistreating others, and all anti unity
values perfectly okay and normal. How will we learn that this isn’t okay?? Ah…
this leads to the next question.
(c) Why
This article jumps around and proves
and disproves the idea that Brittany Spears is a bad influence on young girls.
It explains how she can be and is a bad influence on young girls but it almost
seems like the writer kept losing focus and crediting Brittany Spears.
Comparing her to women groups in the sixties was a bad strategy I think.
Brittany Spears is not claiming any sort of feminism role what so ever I think.
I would never compare her to any black, women singers of the sixties in an
effort to prove her provocative sexual encouragement toward young girls. However
I will address my concerns of Why Brittany Spears matters.
I believe she does matter as she and
other women are proud of our bodies and our sexuality. She displays it as a
power weapon to be used for her benefits. There are two sides to this, but
before I go there I want to bring up who I would compare Brittany Spears to.
Brittany Spears was (maybe still is) a sexual icon. She, even in this century
where porn and nudity are everywhere, was able to cross sexual boundaries. She
is like Elvis or Madonna I think, not some soul singing, respectably presented
group of women. Not that she should be idolized by eight year olds but what has
she done that is so wrong??? But how I
see it is no one is looking back and hating Elvis or Madonna for crossing the
boundaries they did many years ago. Times are changing and I think people
shouldn’t blame one girl for influencing our younger generation.
Back to the two sides of how Brittany
Spears matters: First, I will admit that she does have a negative influence on
very young girl who hear her catchy tunes and want to be like her. Her song
lyrics are often disgusting and should not be heard by an eleven year old or
even a high schooler who is old enough to understand right and wrong. However,
we have to realize that she came out with her first hit “Hit me baby one more
time” when she was about 14 years old. She was and is still young and stuck in
this situation and now people look down on her and are eager to blame her.
This leads to the second viewpoint of
why she matters: Brittany Spears became a sexual icon at a young age and
everything she did and does is very public. The anti unity values that anyone
who knows who she is knows that she did lead her to where she is now. She
matters because she is a public display of how rushing into a relationship,
drinking, doing drugs will lead you. From her over sexy appeal and image, her
getting married for one day while she was wasted, break ups, hooking up with a
man who is still married or has a pregnant girlfriend, to letting that man take
advantage of you and treat you bad Brittany Spears matters as she is a poster
child or adult of what not to do.
I do realize that girls are stuck with
this sexual image of what to be but I do not think that it is Brittany Spears
or the other young girls’ (who become sexual icons in pop culture) fault but
that the anti unity values are already accepted and normal.
(d) What
next??
The only solution I can think of that
I can do is keep having this discussion with others. Even when I ask women what
they think about Brittany Spears they feel bad for her but still think that she
knows that she is an icon and should act appropriately. I try to point out that
maybe our society should stop being so obsessed with her because she has such a
sexual image. We blame her but we are obsessed with her. The only thing I think
we can do is to point out that it is the fault of our society for being so
obsessed with sex. Brittany Spears and other sexual icons wouldn’t have made it
big if it wasn’t okay for that to happen. Which really brings up another point:
if we let this happen then why is not okay? Just how Elvis did, then Madonna,
then Brittany Spears, the world is changing and sex is such a hot subject, it
isn’t going anywhere so we should figure out how to understand it, not blame
Brittany Spears. After all the only songs that she wrote are love songs that
are quite innocent.
Selling love, not sex is the answer if
we want to encourage unity values. This is going to take a whole societal turn
around that I don’t really have a strategy for. Sex does sell after all, this
can go into Theistic Psychology and the heavens and hells of our minds.
ADVICE TO FUTURE GENERATIONS
My advice to future generations is of
course try to stay on top of your work. You do not want to cram reports and
outlines out during finals week!! Trust me!!
Beyond that, consider what this class has to offer, there is a lot to
learn. Talk with your friends about it because it is cool and there is a whole
other way of looking at relationships and your future. Do the field work
because there is a lot to observe and you learn a lot about yourself and
others. Have fun and don’t go over board. This is a whole new way to look at
things so take it easy and slowly so you can conceptualize everything in good
time and rationally!
Class
Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm
My Home
Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409b2007/reiber/reiber-home.htm