Report
1
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By: Samantha Voss
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm
G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
Section
A: Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart
The Basic Ennead Chart is comprised
of the different parts of the threefold self and the phases that govern their
interactions. The threefold self is made
up of the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self and the affective self. The three different phases to govern their
interactions are Dominance, Equity, and Unity.
The nine phases are marked in the cells, and as you can see from this
basic ennead chart, the unity cells 7,8,9 can not be reached without making
your way through the equity phases cells 4, 5, 6 and the dominance phase cells
1, 2, and 3. The nine cells were made so
that you can keep track of what happens to the threefold self of a couple as
they take the path towards unity.
First the husband and
wife must start at the dominance level which as I said above is comprised of
zones 1, 2, 3. This phase is characterized by the negative and coercive
treatment the wife receives from her husband.
During the dominant phase of this interaction the husband is closest to
the wife in cell 1 the sensorimotor zone.
During this zone the wife is being intimate with her husband but not on
a cognitive or affective level. That is
the reason for the bold 1 in the Dominance phase. In this phase the wife is not given any
chance to share her ideas or feelings, she is always being forced to be
obedient or else she will get punished in some way. So you can see why the dominance phase relies
on sensorimotor coercion of the women’s sensorimotor behavior and the failure
to express her cognitive and affective behavior.
The next step in the ennead
chart is the Equity phase, zones 4, 5, 6. This part of the ennead chart
focuses on negotiation, not coercion. As you can see in the chart below,
the number in zone 5 is bold; this is due to the fact that intimacy is on the
cognitive level rather then the sensorimotor or affective level. The wife can now hold her own with her
husband because the focus is on cognition and as we know a woman is very smart
when it comes to negotiation. Even
though the wife may be as good or better at negotiation, she is not going to go
against her husband, he may resort back to the dominance phase at anytime. If the couple strives to stick with the
equity phase then they can grow closer to becoming a couple in unity.
The final step until you
reach eternity is the Unity phase, zones 7, 8, 9. In this phase the husband has to take a new
approach at his relationship with his wife.
In the unity phase the husband allows the wife to control his way of
thinking and allows his wife’s intelligence to lead and guide his own thoughts. Once they reach this point they have finally
reached affective intimacy and the man is willing to give himself to his wife
and become a new self with her called the conjoint self. This can only happen is he has become
spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined eternally to his
wife. The process may be long, but the couple will receive huge benefits,
they will be able to live in eternity as one.
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm
“Basic Ennead Chart of Interactions”
This
is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
PHASE
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
Film Summaries
Prime
The movie Prime is a film about a budding
relationship between an older woman named Rafi and a younger man named
David. Rafi is a thirty-seven year old
woman that has just gotten a divorce and isn’t really looking to start a
relationship. She is introduced to David
at the movie theaters by one of her friends.
As soon as they meet you could see in their eyes that they had an
attraction, yet about a minute after they met David had a girl meet him at the
restaurant, but quickly made it clear they were not dating in anyway, “just
having fun, hanging out” After their
first meeting David tries gets the courage to call Rafi and ask her on a
date. On this date she found out that he
is much younger then she thought he was, 23 years old.
At the time Rafi was also talking to a
therapist which ends up being David’s mother (which neither of them knew at
first). David and Rafi hit it off pretty
well, going on dates hanging out together and very often having sex. Not only was it a problem that David mother
turned out to be Rafi’s therapist, she also had a big problem with him not
being with someone that was Jewish, so due to the many issues that Rafi and
David couldn’t put aside such as age, work, and family they decided it would be
better to go their separate ways in the end.
A Knights Tale
The movie A Knights Tale is a wonderful film about William
Thatcher, a young peasant that is sent to apprentice with a Knight named Hector
as a young boy, because his father wanted him to go far in life. William needs to take Sir Hectors place in a
tournament because Hector dies in the middle and to no surprise, he wins. With
his friends as his apprentices, he trains and assumes the title of Sir Ulrich
von Lichtenstein. It is a law that only
Knights can compete in the competition so he has to make fake papers to go
along with his new identity.
Along
the way he meets the beautiful Jocelyn who is of Royalty and has no idea that
William isn't really a Knight. William
falls deeply in love with Jocelyn and they think of each other day in and day
out. William is a great jouster and goes
on to win all of the tournaments and even Jocelyn's love. One of Williams’s
enemies finds out that he isn’t really who he says he is and arrests him. Jocelyn is still by his side because William
was the only man who ever treated her like a person and not like a trophy. In the end William was set free by The Black
Prince Edward and beat his arch enemy and won the heart of Jocelyn for
eternity.
Interactions in the Zones
You May Think I Care but I Just Want Your Body Zone 1 Dominance phase
Prime:
In
this scene David asks Rafi, “do you want me to go?”, obviously not giving her a
chance to answer by then asking her to take off her sweater in which she
follows by saying “alright”.
A Knight’s Tale:
It
didn’t come until later in their relationship that William started to show more
dominance. In the beginning and almost
throughout the whole movie they were on the equity and unity phases, but her is
an example for zone 1: When William and
Jocelyn first met in the market place he kept asking her for her name in which
she would reply with coy remarks, in one case she asks, “why tell you my name,
would you care if I were ugly?” and William replies, “Yes, I mean NO”
Your Opinion Doesn’t Really Matter Zone 2 Dominance phase
Prime:
Towards
the end of the movie while Dave is living at Rafi’s house, he has his friend
over even though he knows Rafi doesn’t like it.
To his surprise she comes home and he tells his friend to hide, sooner
then later she finds out his friend is there and they get into a large
fight. Dave tells Rafi, “Get a dog if
you want to bark orders, I don’t give a shit”
A Knights Tale:
In
this film there was another man after Jocelyn’s heart, and in most cases it was
him being dominant so in this case I will use an example when Jocelyn’s maid
comes in and tells her that “Adhemar has said he will win this tournament for
you”, then she replies, “he wins for himself and his own honor”, her maid then
says, “Adhemar wants to speak with you” and she replies, “not to hear what I
say, he wants his women silent.”
Let’s Stick With What I Want Zone 3 Dominance phase
Prime:
In this case the example I will give is when Rafi was
washing dishes in the sick and Dave comes behind her, interrupting what she is
doing and just makes her kiss him and stop what she is doing to pay attention
to him.
A Knights Tale:
An example of this phase is when William loses a tournament
and Jocelyn is trying to talk to him, but he brushes her off, he tells her, “a
flower is good for nothing, your just a silly girl aren’t you” grabbing his
hair in anger crinkling his face. Those
are also example of disconjunctive behaviors.
Trying to be equals Zone 4 Equity phase
Prime:
An example of this phase is when Dave and Rafi are on their
break, Dave sells some of his paintings and gets his
act together. He buys an apartment and
gets the guts to call Rafi. After Rafi
doesn’t answer he has a bit of a wild night and ends up having sex with a model
that Rafi works with. Before Rafi finds
out he has sex with her, maybe even the next day. Although he is trying to give Rafi what she
needs he is also lying to her.
A Knights Tale:
A good example of zone 4 would be when Jocelyn’s maid comes
to Williams’s tent to see what color outfit he will be wearing to the banquette
so that he and Jocelyn can be matching, so that people would know they were
together another is when William learns how to dance with his male friend just
so that he can impress Jocelyn at the banquette. Even though they have not had any sexual
contact he still vies for her deeply.
And she as well to him because he is the only man that doesn’t treat her
like a trophy but actually treats her like the beautiful person that she is.
We Both Have an Opinion Zone 5 Equity phase
Prime:
In
the movie an example of zone 5 to me is When Rafi asks Dave to take her to one
of his parties, to see what he does on the weekends. She begins trying to share his life and he
lets her and they go to a party together
A Knights Tale:
An example of cognitive intimacy in A Knights Tale is when
William has taken a beating for Jocelyn and she comes into his tent after the
banquette and finds out who William truly is, its not longer a show they are
now truly trying to understand each other and share each others ideas
My Opinion is Still a Little More Important than Yours Zone 6 Equity phase
Prime:
An example for this phase is towards the end when Rafi
finds out that Dave cheated on her with a model. Dave says, “I’ve wanted this all along, I may
screw up but I’m actively trying to get it right, I want to be the man you see
in me”
We’ve Come so Far, Our Sex is so Good Zone 7 Unity phase
Prime: I never thought that this couple reached the
unity phase
A Knights Tale:
I guess I would have to say that the
first time William and Jocelyn had sex would be this zone in the unity
model. William and Jocelyn’s
relationship was never focused in the sensorimotor zone in any of the other
phases. Their first kiss actually
happened when William wrote a beautiful letter to Jocelyn and she returned a
kiss on the lips from his messenger, and he still jumped with joy even though
he had been kissed by a man, he knew it came from her.
Spiritual Bond of Love Zone 8 Unity Phase
A Knights Tale:
An example of this zone is when William and Jocelyn are in
his tent together and she says to him that she has heard him being called
William, he tells her that is true, and she says, “you name makes no matter, so
long I can call you my own” and he replies, “I am your own”
Constant Motivation= Eternity Zone 9 Unity phase
A Knights Tale:
An example of this is when Jocelyn
asks William to prove his love to her by losing the tournament. This is very hard for William to understand
but because he loves her so much he just sits there and takes the
beatings. After the first round of
beatings, Jocelyn’s maid come to William and tells him, “If you love my lady
you must win the tournament”, so William must fight through the pain and prove
his love to Jocelyn.
My
Findings on the films
While
watching A Knights Tale I realized that it seemed as if William had know what
the Unity model was. Through out the
movie he was moving forward and trying harder to please his love Jocelyn. In the beginning of the movie their
attraction was based on love, but further into the movie you could see that
there was more to it than that. Jocelyn
liked William because he did not treat her like a thing he didn’t dominate her
or make her feel submissive to him.
There were many instances in which William followed the conjugial rules
of conversation, allowing her to feel safe and to talk freely, denying the
right to say “no” to her, and being friendly and caring towards her. Throughout the movie, the person that was
displaying dominance and unsexy disconjugial ways was Adhemar who was also
trying to win Jocelyn’s heart.
Adhemar
would talk down to Jocelyn and make her feel oppressed and unsafe. He tried to make her think that he had
control over her and just wanted her to look pretty as a trophy on his mantle. He actually orders his loves in this way; 1. Trophies, 2. Horses, 3. Women. I’m sure that
he doesn’t even care what Jocelyn thinks he only wants to win her as a prize,
which proves that their relationship was strictly in the dominance phase.
On
the other hand the movie Prime, didn’t show as much Unity and equity as I saw
in A Knights Tale. In the case of Prime
Dave and Rafi pretty much do whatever they want. They obviously have some concern for the
other, but it seems like they are almost always putting themselves first which
is very disconjuntive. It seems as if they are using each other for
the experience and for the sexual ride that they are obviously getting because
that’s all they seem to do throughout the movie. Of course other things also got in the way,
the idea that Rafi’s therapist was now her boyfriend’s mom definitely messed
some things up, but if this was a relationship based on the unity model they
would have been able to stick it out through the differences.
Conclusion
I believe that Movies or any type of media that portrays
male dominance or just dominance as an ok thing will definitely affect the way
children act not only when they are older but also with their peers in their
everyday lives. In our society today you
can’t turn on the radio or the television without hearing some sort of
derogatory or dominant stance on women.
If young men and boys see this on TV or hear this on their CDs they are
going to think it ok to do it also. If
the kids listening to those things think that is the right way to act in a
relationship then they will be seriously out of luck when it comes down to
it. We need to start teaching the youth
that respect is the way to a woman’s heart.
In
order to be a good man to your wife you need to ask her what she needs and not
just assume. You need to put her needs
before yours and make her feel special in your eyes as well as in the eyes of
others. We need to start teaching our
youth that the way tot a good relationship is through the unity model and that
dominance may be part of the model but it is definitely not the outcome to the
unity model. You will never reach
eternity with your spouse if you don’t start stepping out of the dominance
perspective and begin treating women with the decency and respect that they
deserve.
It
actually took me a while to try to think of a movie that I’ve seen that the
couple has actually reached the unity phase and was predominantly stuck in the
dominance phase. Every movie I thought
of was quite similar to prime in which there was always conflict and if they
weren’t right for each other there was no reason to work through the conflict
or even if they did work through the conflict they were not in the unity level
they were stuck in equity. I believe
that if we have more movies in which the men are looking up to the women and
trying to satisfy their cognitive and affective selves and not just their
sensorimotor then our youth would be on the right track.
But
don’t get more wrong more then just the media will influence the way that our
youth grow and prosper, a majority is on the way they are raised and what they
see in their own family, and when it all comes down to it, you are your own
self, you make your own decisions about how you want to treat others. This brings me to another point, that taking
this course has helped me on the path to unity.
I know that there are times when I could be less dominant and more
understanding. This course and the basic
ennead chart have helped me track mine and my boyfriend’s progress through our
relationship, and I’m excited to see when we go from here.
Section
B:
Findings
on a Prior Generation Idea’s on Youth
Laura Moa www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm
Laura
was aware that the media can definitely present an unequal representation of
what roles men and women have in society; Laura believes that as a young child
our minds are very impressionable. She
believes that in our lives we all have some one that we look up to and if that
behavior we see is not suitable then our minds are being exposed to negative
ideals. She gives an example on rap music and how it is very influential on our
youth. The type of music that rappers
put out are plastered all over the radio and television. These rappers have disjunctive language and
crude behaviors towards women. The
constant domination, name-calling and dominance are heard by the youth
everyday. She believes that by allowing them to hear these types of things can
instill negative ideal and have very harmful effects on the youth of our world.
Laura
also goes further into saying that there have been Psychologists and researchers that have done studies on how media is
effecting our youth. The results showed
that there were correlations that suggested that the negative media does have
an effect on children. She goes on
further to talk about how media displayed a wide load of destructive behaviors
concerning men and women, and that it is only natural for children to assume
these negative stereotypes as well.
Laura also talks about the fact that since she did her report she has
notices a number of anti unity values in movies. She defines these AUVs
as any action, thought, idea, belief, theory, or method of communication that
hinders a couple from truly conjoining. She believes that because AUVs have become such a staple in media and in our lives
that they are becoming unrecognizable, yet still having an effect on our youth
today
Tiffany
Akiyama www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm
In Tiffany’s report she discussed a
number of different T.V. shows and how she believes they influence the youth
today and how they influenced her childhood.
First I’ll start by saying that Tiffany believes that almost any show
that you watch you will be able to find Anti Unity Values, in Adult and even
children’s media. She also believes that
being engrossed in these values that are portrayed on TV is detrimental to a
couple that is trying to obtain or wishes to stay in their conjoint conjugial
love. The first TV show that she looks
at is Home Improvement, she believes that this show has an impact on society;
she believes that it plants a small seed that can either grow or not
grow depending on a Childs upbringing and environment that they grow up in.
The
next show she goes into is Family Guy; she stated that she always thought it
was a dumb show that portrayed bad examples of what family values should
be. She realized that the reason she
thought it was dumb was because it was actually very bad for the well being of
a child watching it. Another thing she
found that was interesting was that her young tennis student enjoyed watching
the show still knowing that the way Peter treats Lois and his children is bad
and disconjugial. But finding that out
it lead her to remember when she was young and how she had watched Married with Children and now knowing what horrible AUVs are in that show actually liking it as a child and not
looking as far into as her parents did at the time.
Another way that she found the youth looking at TV relationships is by comparison. Two of her friends actually looked at their relationship and compared it to worse off or better off relationships so in the end, she realized these shows can be reflexive on society if society lets it. She also believes that our society needs more "old-school" family shows to remind them of some different types of relationships. She also goes on to discuss that the way the family touches on things really makes a difference as well.
In
Angela
Murray www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report1.htm
When Angela thinks about the
effects that Anti Unity values have on the youth today she looks into
experience in her own family. She
focuses on her three nieces that grew u in her sisters household. Her sister was in a bad situation with her
husband, getting abused and accepting it.
By accepting the abuse she believes that her sister was teaching her
nieces that it was ok to be abused. Due
to the way they saw their mother get treated they will now have a view in their
mind that women are allowed to be walked all over and that men are the ones with
the opinion and the voice in a relationship.
But just like her nieces have been trained by her sister, her sister was
trained by the media. Anti-Unity Values
in the media that she grew up with taught her that men were in charge.
Angela believes that even if we don’t
want to believe it, the media influences our decision about morality,
psychology, and rationality in our every day lives. She believes that because we are able to view
sex so regularly in the media that the act had lost all of its sacredness. She also believes that promiscuous sexuality
can be very emotionally scaring for young children. She states that young girls are being taught
that their body isn’t sacred and that it is just a way to attract the opposite
sex, and when a young girl begins thinking in that way she
beings to loose her self worth and feel cheapened. In the media, promiscuous sexuality is
promoted daily and the effects of such promiscuity are rarely mentioned, yet if
you look around you can greatly see the impact it has on our youth today
Christine Gora www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm
Christine
Gora talks about how the introduction of cable has
fewer restrictions that reality open the door for more sex on television. Because of cable sex is not talked about
almost every time you turn on the TV.
These days some of the most popular TV shows are reality shows. These shows are giving children an up close
and personal view of what exactly not to do in a relationship. She believes that these reality shows are
promoting and condoning sex as a suitable action that can take place in any
type relationship. She believes that the
fact that children are having sex at a younger age is a correlation to the way
TV is today.
Christine
also mentioned her own childhood; she said that she grew up with a mother who
had a total influence on her life, committing herself to educating her children
about sex and the many consequences that follow. She talks about how her mother emphasized
that sex should be saved for marriage and encourages her children to wait to
give themselves to the soul mate that they will be with in heaven. She interpreted her mother’s teachings as the
fact that you should be married in order to start a family. She looks back at her mothers’ wisdom and
admires her for the support she was given as a child. Christine believes that if children are
guided to make the right decisions and not persuaded by the media that they may
be able to make the right decisions in life and not be swayed by the
stereotypes in the media.
Christine believes that the only way that we
can break the cycle is to educate and instill values in the life of our youth
by encouraging positive values at home, school and other activities. She believes that if we give the proper
guidance to our children, our society will be able to surpass the negative
behaviors in the future.
Katie Ide www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm
In Katie’s report she talks about the way
she believes the media has affected the way our youth acts and behaves. She believes that children these days are
becoming more and more forced to grow up.
She remembers being a child and not feeling pressured to have the nicest
things or want to wear the best clothes.
She sees children theses days with the latest i-pod
and wearing clothes that an adult would wear.
She believes that if the children keep taking in this negative media the
girls growing up in our society are
will get the idea that they won’t be accepted unless they can pleasure a guy,
she also believes that the young boys won’t go in any better of a direction, by
calling themselves “pimp” and thinking its funny to use girls as toys.
Katie then goes further
into her findings on disjunctive behavior in the television shows, Family Guy
and
Christina Afonin www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-report1.htm
Christina believes that the youth in our society today are
still creating themselves and their identity.
Because they are still young they are allowing society to rule their
decisions and allow the media to highly influence their point of view. She believes that because TV is so accessible
the children are beginning to act in the same manner and adopt the negative
societal traits of the media without actually knowing what’s happening to
them. She believes that it is very
difficult for a child to decipher between positive and negative behavior on TV,
and that both young girls and boys are confused on the “right” way to act in
society. She believes that the only way
for children to get out of this slump of media influences they need to be
educated. She believes that ignorance is
the reason the wrong message is being propagated into our youth’s minds.
My Reaction to the Student Reports
In all of the student reports that
I read above, seemed to have a very similar outlook on the way media is
effecting the youth today. In all of the
reports the authors believes that media is seriously effecting the way our
youth look at themselves. They all
agreed on the fact that if a child sees a dominant relationship on TV or in
their home environment, they will be severely affected by this in life. Many of the authors of the reports believed
that the key to change is to educate our youth.
They believe and myself as well, that if we teach our children the way
to behave and the way to show respect to others then there would be a big
change in the way the youth act.
Young children are like sponges; they
will absorb any bit of information that you tell them, and probably in most
cases remember the bad even better then the good. That is the main reason that you need to
teach your child at a very young age that what they are watching on TV is not
the way the world works. Daddy can’t
just force mommy to do things, women don’t just do anything a man wants. You need to instill in them that the things
they see on TV are make believe and that life wouldn’t be a happy place if
things were like that.
So I guess you can say that my
reaction to their finding is that I feel very similar on most of the
topics. Even before I took this course I
was able to see when there was male dominant behavior present or when a husband
was acting disconjunctive towards his wife, but I never put it into those words. I guess I could just tell it was wrong. Just because it was on TV I didn’t think I
needed to live by it or try to be what they were portraying. But, I definitely believe that children
absorb the world around them the good the bad and the ugly, so if we want to
change our youth we need to begin educating them at a young age. Try not to fill their mind with the lies and
degrading things the media is feeding them
Media Influences on My Interactions and on the Youth
Today
When I think about the way media
affected my life, nothing really jumps out at me. For me media wasn’t a very large influence on
my childhood. I mean don’t get me wrong
I did watch TV and listen to music but I was never looking at it in a way as a
lesson for life, I guess I never needed to turn to the media because I was
always educated and guided by my family.
I have three older sisters and I guess you can say I would call them my
media; I looked up to their relationship and their thoughts and ideas way more
then any television show. Not only were
my sisters my guidance but my parents were as well, they taught me how to
respect people and to treat others as I would want to be treated.
As we all know there are going to be times when you make a
mistake here and there but you still have to have a track to fall back on, a
lesson that you learned. I think that is
what the big problem with the younger generations is today and I think it is
mainly to do with media and technology.
I live with my boyfriend’s family, his mom and fourteen year old
sister. So it’s almost everyday that I see how the media is affecting the
youth. She spends hours in front of the
mirror making sure she looks ok to go and hang out with her friends I hear her
male friends making her go get things and clean up for them, so I’m already
spotting some dominant
I also think the media has gone over board with the
Research
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_1_39/ai_87080439
LookSmart's FindArticles - Mass media influences on sexuality - Statistical
Data Included
Journal of Sex
Research, Feb, 2002, by Jane D. Brown
This
article talks about the huge effect that media has on the influence of others
sexually. It also talks about the affect
that the internet has on children these days.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2248/is_154_39/ai_n6364178
Adolescent and parent perceptions of media influence on adolescent
sexuality
Adolescence,
Summer, 2004, by Ronald Jay Werner-Wilson, Jennifer Lynn Fitzharris,
Kathleen M. Morrissey
This
article talks about the different ways the media passively promotes gender and
sexual stereotypes. It also talks about
how media is become more personal, not just for the family which is leaving
kids who are unequipped to understand the things they are watching
Section C: Disjunctive
vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions
Conjunctive
and Disjunctive Verbal Interactions between a Couple
In Unity 17a Dr. Leon James talks
about two different styles of speech, sexy and unsexy. In this case we are going to look at sexy as
conjunctive verbal interactions and unsexy as disjunctive verbal interaction
between a couple.
When the husband is speaking in a sexy manner the wife will respond with
warm feeling for their husband, but if the husband is using the unsexy style of
interacting she will feel an inner turn off for her husband or boyfriend. The reason this means so much to the woman is
because the way he is acting with her on a verbal level is will help her
indicate how he’ll treat her on a mental level.
One thing a man must remember is that talking in a sexy style is not talking
about sex itself, it refers to whether he is focusing his thoughts on self, the
topic, or his wife.
When the relationship is in the
dominance phase, there are a lot of unsexy verbal interactions going on. In this phase he is completely focuses on
himself and she is expected to be obedient in everything she does. He constantly interrupts her and hardly ever
lets her finish what she was saying. So
as you can see this type of verbal interaction is very disconjunctive to a
relationship. When your husband acts as
if he doesn’t care what you’re saying you are obviously not on the way to unity
or eternity. He needs to stop
interrupting her and giving her advice, he needs to understand how a woman
feels and watch her face when he is talking to her, this will let her know that
he actually cares about what she thinks. He needs to begin seeing her as the
women he is going to be spending eternity with, his partner forever and always.
He needs to remember that
if he keeps treating her in this way she will begin to think hellish thoughts
about their relationship and soon they will go backwards on the path to
eternity. Once he realizes this he must
win his wife or girlfriend back, and treat her with trust and confidence and
feelings of deep love, instead of accusing her of things and showing anger at
her. If he realizes this on his own then
he will be enlightened, and he is a lucky man because all there is left to do
is practice the sexy way of verbal interaction with his wife so that they can
grow into a conjoint soul together.
My Opinion
In my opinion there is no
doubt that a sexy way of verbal interaction would be better then the hellish
road of unsexy verbal interactions. I
know that in my relationship I should consider myself lucky; my boyfriend focuses
very much on keeping the sexy interactions strong. He always makes me and my opinions feel
important and I do the same for him. If
he was to treat me in an unsexy verbal way all the time I don’t see how the
relationship would ever be able to work.
Its actually our three year anniversary today and I know for fact that if we treated each other with more
disconjunctive interactions then conjunctive we would not be celebrating
today. You are supposed to be happy and
have feelings of love and trust in your relationship if you want to reach the
goal of unity and become a conjoined soul.
Tannen Dialogue Analysis
Dialogue
1 from Gender and Discourse (Tannen p. 37)
Isadora: “Why do you turn on
me? What did I do?”
Bennett: Silence.
Bennett: “What did I do?”
He looks at her as if her not
knowing were another injury.
Bennett: “Look, let’s just go to sleep now, Let’s
forget it.”
Isadora: “Forget what?”
He says nothing
In this dialogue I would say
that Bennett is being very disconjunctive in the relationship. Isadora is trying to find out what is wrong
but he is ignoring her and making her feel as though
she is not important, and that she is what’s wrong. He doesn’t try to work out his problem and
obviously doesn’t care to discuss it with her.
Dialogue
2 from Gender and Discourse (Tannen, p. 155)
In this
scene Marianne is trying to express her dissatisfaction with her life with
Johan.
Marianne:
“do you like coming home?”
Johan :( kindly) is everything so
awfully complicated today”
Marianne:
“did you want your life to be like this?”
Johan: I think that life has the value
you give it, neither more nor less. I
refuse to live under the eye of eternity.
Well just
as you can see from the last line in the dialogue, you can tell that Johan is
not pursuing any type of unity in this marriage. In both cases he is covering up answers and
not talking to Marianne in a straight forward manner. In this case I believe that Johan wants to
get out of the relationship and using such unsexy disconjunctive verbal interactions
he will be out the door soon.
Section D: Conclusion and Advice to Future
Generations
What I’ve
learned
First
stepping into this class the philosophies that Dr. James was teaching us seemed
a little hard to believe. At first I
almost looked at it in a way of bashing the male and taking away his rights,
but slowly I began to realize that from the very beginning of a relationship
the women has already given her whole self.
I took this class because I thought it would be interesting to learn
about marriage. I didn’t know it was
going to help me on the path to the perfect marriage and to eternity with my
boyfriend. Ever since the first day of
class I have been basing the relationships around me to the material we learn.
But now it’s becoming clearer to me that the way to live in a happy
relationship is to make your wife or girlfriend happy or at least constantly
strive to.
There would be times when I would
look at the Unity model through my parents relationship, and realize how
absolutely lucky I am to have parents that have been married for 36 and are
going strong on the unity phase. And
then there are times that I look at mine and my boyfriends’ relationship. Looking at our relationship in the different
steps of the ennead chart make me happy because it helps me realize how lucky I
have to have a boyfriend that loves me and treats me with such conjunctive
qualities. He is so focused on my
feelings and keeping me happy and by looking at this chart it has helped me
give him more love and admiration for loving me so much. I look forward to sticking with the Unity
model in marriage on my path to marriage.
Advice
The most important advice I could
give a future student would be to read and read and read. This whole class is based on Dr. James work so
the only way that you can understand it is to throw yourself into it. If you don’t understand something, read it
until you do.
I’m not
sure about anyone else but I have a little fear of public speaking so I was
very worried about having to do three oral presentations, I’ve only done one so
far but it made me realize that it’s a lot easier then I thought it out to
be. So my next tip of advice would be do not stress out if you don’t like public speaking… you’ll
do fine!
And last
but not least, this is a very long report and in order to do it well you need
to take your time. Try to make an
outline ahead of time of the different topics you are going to tough on, also
make sure you know your movies pretty well so that you can see what type of
relationships the characters have.
If you take
in all of the material you will really enjoy the class, I believe it will help
people realize what type of relationship they want to have when they are
married.
Section E
Class homepage:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm