Report 1
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By: Samantha Voss

Instructions for this report are at:
G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage: 

Section A: Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart


            The Basic Ennead Chart is comprised of the different parts of the threefold self and the phases that govern their interactions.  The threefold self is made up of the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self and the affective self.  The three different phases to govern their interactions are Dominance, Equity, and Unity.  The nine phases are marked in the cells, and as you can see from this basic ennead chart, the unity cells 7,8,9 can not be reached without making your way through the equity phases cells 4, 5, 6 and the dominance phase cells 1, 2, and 3.  The nine cells were made so that you can keep track of what happens to the threefold self of a couple as they take the path towards unity.


          First the husband and wife must start at the dominance level which as I said above is comprised of zones 1, 2, 3. This phase is characterized by the negative and coercive treatment the wife receives from her husband.  During the dominant phase of this interaction the husband is closest to the wife in cell 1 the sensorimotor zone.  During this zone the wife is being intimate with her husband but not on a cognitive or affective level.  That is the reason for the bold 1 in the Dominance phase.  In this phase the wife is not given any chance to share her ideas or feelings, she is always being forced to be obedient or else she will get punished in some way.  So you can see why the dominance phase relies on sensorimotor coercion of the women’s sensorimotor behavior and the failure to express her cognitive and affective behavior.


          The next step in the ennead chart is the Equity phase, zones 4, 5, 6. This part of the ennead chart focuses on negotiation, not coercion. As you can see in the chart below, the number in zone 5 is bold; this is due to the fact that intimacy is on the cognitive level rather then the sensorimotor or affective level.  The wife can now hold her own with her husband because the focus is on cognition and as we know a woman is very smart when it comes to negotiation.  Even though the wife may be as good or better at negotiation, she is not going to go against her husband, he may resort back to the dominance phase at anytime.  If the couple strives to stick with the equity phase then they can grow closer to becoming a couple in unity.


          The final step until you reach eternity is the Unity phase, zones 7, 8, 9.   In this phase the husband has to take a new approach at his relationship with his wife.  In the unity phase the husband allows the wife to control his way of thinking and allows his wife’s intelligence to lead and guide his own thoughts.  Once they reach this point they have finally reached affective intimacy and the man is willing to give himself to his wife and become a new self with her called the conjoint self.  This can only happen is he has become spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined eternally to his wife.  The process may be long, but the couple will receive huge benefits, they will be able to live in eternity as one. “Basic Ennead Chart of Interactions”








conjunctive interactions




negotiated interactions








Film Summaries


            The movie Prime is a film about a budding relationship between an older woman named Rafi and a younger man named David.  Rafi is a thirty-seven year old woman that has just gotten a divorce and isn’t really looking to start a relationship.  She is introduced to David at the movie theaters by one of her friends.  As soon as they meet you could see in their eyes that they had an attraction, yet about a minute after they met David had a girl meet him at the restaurant, but quickly made it clear they were not dating in anyway, “just having fun, hanging out”   After their first meeting David tries gets the courage to call Rafi and ask her on a date.  On this date she found out that he is much younger then she thought he was, 23 years old.

 At the time Rafi was also talking to a therapist which ends up being David’s mother (which neither of them knew at first).  David and Rafi hit it off pretty well, going on dates hanging out together and very often having sex.  Not only was it a problem that David mother turned out to be Rafi’s therapist, she also had a big problem with him not being with someone that was Jewish, so due to the many issues that Rafi and David couldn’t put aside such as age, work, and family they decided it would be better to go their separate ways in the end.

A Knights Tale

          The movie A Knights Tale is a wonderful film about William Thatcher, a young peasant that is sent to apprentice with a Knight named Hector as a young boy, because his father wanted him to go far in life.  William needs to take Sir Hectors place in a tournament because Hector dies in the middle and to no surprise, he wins. With his friends as his apprentices, he trains and assumes the title of Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.  It is a law that only Knights can compete in the competition so he has to make fake papers to go along with his new identity. 

Along the way he meets the beautiful Jocelyn who is of Royalty and has no idea that William isn't really a Knight.  William falls deeply in love with Jocelyn and they think of each other day in and day out.  William is a great jouster and goes on to win all of the tournaments and even Jocelyn's love. One of Williams’s enemies finds out that he isn’t really who he says he is and arrests him.  Jocelyn is still by his side because William was the only man who ever treated her like a person and not like a trophy.  In the end William was set free by The Black Prince Edward and beat his arch enemy and won the heart of Jocelyn for eternity.

Interactions in the Zones

You May Think I Care but I Just Want Your Body Zone 1 Dominance phase


In this scene David asks Rafi, “do you want me to go?”, obviously not giving her a chance to answer by then asking her to take off her sweater in which she follows by saying “alright”.

A Knight’s Tale:

It didn’t come until later in their relationship that William started to show more dominance.  In the beginning and almost throughout the whole movie they were on the equity and unity phases, but her is an example for zone 1:  When William and Jocelyn first met in the market place he kept asking her for her name in which she would reply with coy remarks, in one case she asks, “why tell you my name, would you care if I were ugly?” and William replies, “Yes, I mean NO”

Your Opinion Doesn’t Really Matter Zone 2 Dominance phase


Towards the end of the movie while Dave is living at Rafi’s house, he has his friend over even though he knows Rafi doesn’t like it.  To his surprise she comes home and he tells his friend to hide, sooner then later she finds out his friend is there and they get into a large fight.  Dave tells Rafi, “Get a dog if you want to bark orders, I don’t give a shit”

A Knights Tale:

In this film there was another man after Jocelyn’s heart, and in most cases it was him being dominant so in this case I will use an example when Jocelyn’s maid comes in and tells her that “Adhemar has said he will win this tournament for you”, then she replies, “he wins for himself and his own honor”, her maid then says, “Adhemar wants to speak with you” and she replies, “not to hear what I say, he wants his women silent.”

Let’s Stick With What I Want Zone 3 Dominance phase


          In this case the example I will give is when Rafi was washing dishes in the sick and Dave comes behind her, interrupting what she is doing and just makes her kiss him and stop what she is doing to pay attention to him.

A Knights Tale:

          An example of this phase is when William loses a tournament and Jocelyn is trying to talk to him, but he brushes her off, he tells her, “a flower is good for nothing, your just a silly girl aren’t you” grabbing his hair in anger crinkling his face.  Those are also example of disconjunctive behaviors.

Trying to be equals Zone 4 Equity phase


          An example of this phase is when Dave and Rafi are on their break, Dave sells some of his paintings and gets his act together.  He buys an apartment and gets the guts to call Rafi.  After Rafi doesn’t answer he has a bit of a wild night and ends up having sex with a model that Rafi works with.  Before Rafi finds out he has sex with her, maybe even the next day.  Although he is trying to give Rafi what she needs he is also lying to her.

A Knights Tale:

          A good example of zone 4 would be when Jocelyn’s maid comes to Williams’s tent to see what color outfit he will be wearing to the banquette so that he and Jocelyn can be matching, so that people would know they were together another is when William learns how to dance with his male friend just so that he can impress Jocelyn at the banquette.  Even though they have not had any sexual contact he still vies for her deeply.  And she as well to him because he is the only man that doesn’t treat her like a trophy but actually treats her like the beautiful person that she is.

We Both Have an Opinion Zone 5 Equity phase


In the movie an example of zone 5 to me is When Rafi asks Dave to take her to one of his parties, to see what he does on the weekends.  She begins trying to share his life and he lets her and they go to a party together

A Knights Tale:

          An example of cognitive intimacy in A Knights Tale is when William has taken a beating for Jocelyn and she comes into his tent after the banquette and finds out who William truly is, its not longer a show they are now truly trying to understand each other and share each others ideas

My Opinion is Still a Little More Important than Yours Zone 6 Equity phase


          An example for this phase is towards the end when Rafi finds out that Dave cheated on her with a model.  Dave says, “I’ve wanted this all along, I may screw up but I’m actively trying to get it right, I want to be the man you see in me”

We’ve Come so Far, Our Sex is so Good Zone 7 Unity phase

Prime:  I never thought that this couple reached the unity phase

A Knights Tale:

          I guess I would have to say that the first time William and Jocelyn had sex would be this zone in the unity model.  William and Jocelyn’s relationship was never focused in the sensorimotor zone in any of the other phases.  Their first kiss actually happened when William wrote a beautiful letter to Jocelyn and she returned a kiss on the lips from his messenger, and he still jumped with joy even though he had been kissed by a man, he knew it came from her.

Spiritual Bond of Love Zone 8 Unity Phase

A Knights Tale:

          An example of this zone is when William and Jocelyn are in his tent together and she says to him that she has heard him being called William, he tells her that is true, and she says, “you name makes no matter, so long I can call you my own” and he replies, “I am your own”

Constant Motivation= Eternity Zone 9 Unity phase

A Knights Tale:

          An example of this is when Jocelyn asks William to prove his love to her by losing the tournament.  This is very hard for William to understand but because he loves her so much he just sits there and takes the beatings.  After the first round of beatings, Jocelyn’s maid come to William and tells him, “If you love my lady you must win the tournament”, so William must fight through the pain and prove his love to Jocelyn.

My Findings on the films

While watching A Knights Tale I realized that it seemed as if William had know what the Unity model was.  Through out the movie he was moving forward and trying harder to please his love Jocelyn.  In the beginning of the movie their attraction was based on love, but further into the movie you could see that there was more to it than that.  Jocelyn liked William because he did not treat her like a thing he didn’t dominate her or make her feel submissive to him.  There were many instances in which William followed the conjugial rules of conversation, allowing her to feel safe and to talk freely, denying the right to say “no” to her, and being friendly and caring towards her.  Throughout the movie, the person that was displaying dominance and unsexy disconjugial ways was Adhemar who was also trying to win Jocelyn’s heart.

Adhemar would talk down to Jocelyn and make her feel oppressed and unsafe.  He tried to make her think that he had control over her and just wanted her to look pretty as a trophy on his mantle.  He actually orders his loves in this way; 1. Trophies, 2. Horses, 3. Women.   I’m sure that he doesn’t even care what Jocelyn thinks he only wants to win her as a prize, which proves that their relationship was strictly in the dominance phase.

On the other hand the movie Prime, didn’t show as much Unity and equity as I saw in A Knights Tale.  In the case of Prime Dave and Rafi pretty much do whatever they want.  They obviously have some concern for the other, but it seems like they are almost always putting themselves first which is very disconjuntive.  It seems as if they are using each other for the experience and for the sexual ride that they are obviously getting because that’s all they seem to do throughout the movie.  Of course other things also got in the way, the idea that Rafi’s therapist was now her boyfriend’s mom definitely messed some things up, but if this was a relationship based on the unity model they would have been able to stick it out through the differences.


          I believe that Movies or any type of media that portrays male dominance or just dominance as an ok thing will definitely affect the way children act not only when they are older but also with their peers in their everyday lives.  In our society today you can’t turn on the radio or the television without hearing some sort of derogatory or dominant stance on women.  If young men and boys see this on TV or hear this on their CDs they are going to think it ok to do it also.  If the kids listening to those things think that is the right way to act in a relationship then they will be seriously out of luck when it comes down to it.  We need to start teaching the youth that respect is the way to a woman’s heart.

In order to be a good man to your wife you need to ask her what she needs and not just assume.  You need to put her needs before yours and make her feel special in your eyes as well as in the eyes of others.  We need to start teaching our youth that the way tot a good relationship is through the unity model and that dominance may be part of the model but it is definitely not the outcome to the unity model.  You will never reach eternity with your spouse if you don’t start stepping out of the dominance perspective and begin treating women with the decency and respect that they deserve.

It actually took me a while to try to think of a movie that I’ve seen that the couple has actually reached the unity phase and was predominantly stuck in the dominance phase.  Every movie I thought of was quite similar to prime in which there was always conflict and if they weren’t right for each other there was no reason to work through the conflict or even if they did work through the conflict they were not in the unity level they were stuck in equity.  I believe that if we have more movies in which the men are looking up to the women and trying to satisfy their cognitive and affective selves and not just their sensorimotor then our youth would be on the right track.

But don’t get more wrong more then just the media will influence the way that our youth grow and prosper, a majority is on the way they are raised and what they see in their own family, and when it all comes down to it, you are your own self, you make your own decisions about how you want to treat others.  This brings me to another point, that taking this course has helped me on the path to unity.  I know that there are times when I could be less dominant and more understanding.  This course and the basic ennead chart have helped me track mine and my boyfriend’s progress through our relationship, and I’m excited to see when we go from here.

Section B:

Findings on a Prior Generation Idea’s on Youth

Laura Moa

          Laura was aware that the media can definitely present an unequal representation of what roles men and women have in society; Laura believes that as a young child our minds are very impressionable.  She believes that in our lives we all have some one that we look up to and if that behavior we see is not suitable then our minds are being exposed to negative ideals. She gives an example on rap music and how it is very influential on our youth.  The type of music that rappers put out are plastered all over the radio and television.  These rappers have disjunctive language and crude behaviors towards women.  The constant domination, name-calling and dominance are heard by the youth everyday. She believes that by allowing them to hear these types of things can instill negative ideal and have very harmful effects on the youth of our world.


          Laura also goes further into saying that there have been Psychologists and researchers that have done studies on how media is effecting our youth.  The results showed that there were correlations that suggested that the negative media does have an effect on children.  She goes on further to talk about how media displayed a wide load of destructive behaviors concerning men and women, and that it is only natural for children to assume these negative stereotypes as well.  Laura also talks about the fact that since she did her report she has notices a number of anti unity values in movies.  She defines these AUVs as any action, thought, idea, belief, theory, or method of communication that hinders a couple from truly conjoining. She believes that because AUVs have become such a staple in media and in our lives that they are becoming unrecognizable, yet still having an effect on our youth today


Tiffany Akiyama


            In Tiffany’s report she discussed a number of different T.V. shows and how she believes they influence the youth today and how they influenced her childhood.  First I’ll start by saying that Tiffany believes that almost any show that you watch you will be able to find Anti Unity Values, in Adult and even children’s media.  She also believes that being engrossed in these values that are portrayed on TV is detrimental to a couple that is trying to obtain or wishes to stay in their conjoint conjugial love.  The first TV show that she looks at is Home Improvement, she believes that this show has an impact on society; she believes that it plants a small seed that can either grow or not grow depending on a Childs upbringing and environment that they grow up in.


          The next show she goes into is Family Guy; she stated that she always thought it was a dumb show that portrayed bad examples of what family values should be.  She realized that the reason she thought it was dumb was because it was actually very bad for the well being of a child watching it.  Another thing she found that was interesting was that her young tennis student enjoyed watching the show still knowing that the way Peter treats Lois and his children is bad and disconjugial.  But finding that out it lead her to remember when she was young and how she had watched Married with Children and now knowing what horrible AUVs are in that show actually liking it as a child and not looking as far into as her parents did at the time.


Another way that she found the youth looking at TV relationships is by comparison.  Two of her friends actually looked at their relationship and compared it to worse off or better off relationships so in the end, she realized these shows can be reflexive on society if society lets it. She also believes that our society needs more "old-school" family shows to remind them of some different types of relationships.  She also goes on to discuss that the way the family touches on things really makes a difference as well.


Crystal Bulda


          Crystal believes very firmly that the way the media degrades women, definitely influences our culture to accept a dominant society in which men have control over women.  She has looked at studies in previous classes on advertisements that are constantly portraying women as needy, naggers, and always eager for sex.  She believes that is men are influences by the media they will begin to believe that their wife should be like those women portrayed in the media.  Crystal thinks that with the way things are going, women are going t be forced to start to act in a certain way just to succumb to those stereotypical portrayals of women, which is very dangerous and mentally abusive.  She believes by setting these standards in the media, they will also be taken into account in real like relationships which will seriously distract the couple from achieving unity.


In Crystal’s report she also talked about how she believes that the dominant interactions that are portrayed in the media are what most of the viewers find to be the most entertaining.  When these dominant values are shown in the media it begins violating the female gender and makes it very obvious what bad things can go wrong with a marriage.  Crystal believes that the media is making couples in our society today accept the dominance model of relationships.  She believes that is the media keeps portraying these negative things that the male gender will find it acceptable to degrade women and the females will allow men to treat them with overt behaviors.


          Crystal also believes that Media will effect our society’s youth.  She believes that the media has an impact on the attitudes of adolescents and young women and men by allowing them to have this stereotypical view of gender behaviors in three domains of the threefold self.  She believes that these media effects will bring on exploitative feelings and intentions towards girls and woman and that man will also start thinking that’s ok.  She believes that these portrayals on TV will make young girls and boys think that in order to fit into society they have to be like what they see on TV.  She goes further into saying that many young girls are beginning to grow up too quickly, wearing make-up and revealing clothing and acting “sexy” to get boys attention.   She believes that because young children are constantly observing their surroundings that the media will have a huge impart on them. 


Angela Murray 

            When Angela thinks about the effects that Anti Unity values have on the youth today she looks into experience in her own family.  She focuses on her three nieces that grew u in her sisters household.  Her sister was in a bad situation with her husband, getting abused and accepting it.  By accepting the abuse she believes that her sister was teaching her nieces that it was ok to be abused.  Due to the way they saw their mother get treated they will now have a view in their mind that women are allowed to be walked all over and that men are the ones with the opinion and the voice in a relationship.  But just like her nieces have been trained by her sister, her sister was trained by the media.  Anti-Unity Values in the media that she grew up with taught her that men were in charge.


          Angela believes that even if we don’t want to believe it, the media influences our decision about morality, psychology, and rationality in our every day lives.  She believes that because we are able to view sex so regularly in the media that the act had lost all of its sacredness.  She also believes that promiscuous sexuality can be very emotionally scaring for young children.  She states that young girls are being taught that their body isn’t sacred and that it is just a way to attract the opposite sex, and when a young girl begins thinking in that way she beings to loose her self worth and feel cheapened.  In the media, promiscuous sexuality is promoted daily and the effects of such promiscuity are rarely mentioned, yet if you look around you can greatly see the impact it has on our youth today


Christine Gora


            Christine Gora talks about how the introduction of cable has fewer restrictions that reality open the door for more sex on television.  Because of cable sex is not talked about almost every time you turn on the TV.  These days some of the most popular TV shows are reality shows.  These shows are giving children an up close and personal view of what exactly not to do in a relationship.  She believes that these reality shows are promoting and condoning sex as a suitable action that can take place in any type relationship.  She believes that the fact that children are having sex at a younger age is a correlation to the way TV is today.


          Christine also mentioned her own childhood; she said that she grew up with a mother who had a total influence on her life, committing herself to educating her children about sex and the many consequences that follow.  She talks about how her mother emphasized that sex should be saved for marriage and encourages her children to wait to give themselves to the soul mate that they will be with in heaven.  She interpreted her mother’s teachings as the fact that you should be married in order to start a family.  She looks back at her mothers’ wisdom and admires her for the support she was given as a child.  Christine believes that if children are guided to make the right decisions and not persuaded by the media that they may be able to make the right decisions in life and not be swayed by the stereotypes in the media.


          Christine believes that the only way that we can break the cycle is to educate and instill values in the life of our youth by encouraging positive values at home, school and other activities.  She believes that if we give the proper guidance to our children, our society will be able to surpass the negative behaviors in the future.


Katie Ide

          In Katie’s report she talks about the way she believes the media has affected the way our youth acts and behaves.  She believes that children these days are becoming more and more forced to grow up.  She remembers being a child and not feeling pressured to have the nicest things or want to wear the best clothes.  She sees children theses days with the latest i-pod and wearing clothes that an adult would wear.  She believes that if the children keep taking in this negative media the girls growing up in our society are will get the idea that they won’t be accepted unless they can pleasure a guy, she also believes that the young boys won’t go in any better of a direction, by calling themselves “pimp” and thinking its funny to use girls as toys.


          Katie then goes further into her findings on disjunctive behavior in the television shows, Family Guy and Laguna Beach.  Both of these shows displayed numerous examples of disconjunctive behaviors taking place in a relationship.  In family guy an example of some disconjunctive behaviors are when Peter doesn’t tell Lois about his plans to go golfing with the guys, and he can’t stop thinking about golf when he is supposed to be thinking about his anniversary.  These are examples of disconjunctive behavior because Peter is showing no concern for Lois’s feelings because in the unity model he would be with her on their anniversary not hanging out with his friends playing golf.  Family Guy is a very god example of disconjunctive behavior and its effect it could have on the youth today.


Christina Afonin


Christina believes that the youth in our society today are still creating themselves and their identity.  Because they are still young they are allowing society to rule their decisions and allow the media to highly influence their point of view.  She believes that because TV is so accessible the children are beginning to act in the same manner and adopt the negative societal traits of the media without actually knowing what’s happening to them.   She believes that it is very difficult for a child to decipher between positive and negative behavior on TV, and that both young girls and boys are confused on the “right” way to act in society.  She believes that the only way for children to get out of this slump of media influences they need to be educated.  She believes that ignorance is the reason the wrong message is being propagated into our youth’s minds.


My Reaction to the Student Reports


            In all of the student reports that I read above, seemed to have a very similar outlook on the way media is effecting the youth today.  In all of the reports the authors believes that media is seriously effecting the way our youth look at themselves.  They all agreed on the fact that if a child sees a dominant relationship on TV or in their home environment, they will be severely affected by this in life.  Many of the authors of the reports believed that the key to change is to educate our youth.  They believe and myself as well, that if we teach our children the way to behave and the way to show respect to others then there would be a big change in the way the youth act.


          Young children are like sponges; they will absorb any bit of information that you tell them, and probably in most cases remember the bad even better then the good.  That is the main reason that you need to teach your child at a very young age that what they are watching on TV is not the way the world works.  Daddy can’t just force mommy to do things, women don’t just do anything a man wants.  You need to instill in them that the things they see on TV are make believe and that life wouldn’t be a happy place if things were like that.


          So I guess you can say that my reaction to their finding is that I feel very similar on most of the topics.  Even before I took this course I was able to see when there was male dominant behavior present or when a husband was acting disconjunctive towards his wife, but I never put it into those words.  I guess I could just tell it was wrong.  Just because it was on TV I didn’t think I needed to live by it or try to be what they were portraying.   But, I definitely believe that children absorb the world around them the good the bad and the ugly, so if we want to change our youth we need to begin educating them at a young age.  Try not to fill their mind with the lies and degrading things the media is feeding them


Media Influences on My Interactions and on the Youth Today


            When I think about the way media affected my life, nothing really jumps out at me.  For me media wasn’t a very large influence on my childhood.  I mean don’t get me wrong I did watch TV and listen to music but I was never looking at it in a way as a lesson for life, I guess I never needed to turn to the media because I was always educated and guided by my family.  I have three older sisters and I guess you can say I would call them my media; I looked up to their relationship and their thoughts and ideas way more then any television show.  Not only were my sisters my guidance but my parents were as well, they taught me how to respect people and to treat others as I would want to be treated.


As we all know there are going to be times when you make a mistake here and there but you still have to have a track to fall back on, a lesson that you learned.  I think that is what the big problem with the younger generations is today and I think it is mainly to do with media and technology.  I live with my boyfriend’s family, his mom and fourteen year old sister.  So it’s almost everyday that I see how the media is affecting the youth.  She spends hours in front of the mirror making sure she looks ok to go and hang out with her friends I hear her male friends making her go get things and clean up for them, so I’m already spotting some dominant


I also think the media has gone over board with the Hollywood glitz and glam and that is one very devastating impact that media has on the younger generations.  I’m from an area around Los Angles CA.  Since I’ve moved to Hawaii, when I visit home you can’t imagine my horror when I see the younger generations.  They are all wearing Gucci glasses and holding Coach Bags with their noses in the air. You won’t see them worry about money for a second, if they don’t get what they want they cry about it until they do.  It’s crazy that’s the direction the worlds going in.  The parents need to start instilling strict guidelines, but the problem is their too busy buying themselves the same designer things. Because they see on TV that in order for a man to like you, you need to look young and hot.



LookSmart's FindArticles - Mass media influences on sexuality - Statistical Data Included

Journal of Sex Research, Feb, 2002, by Jane D. Brown


This article talks about the huge effect that media has on the influence of others sexually.  It also talks about the affect that the internet has on children these days.

Adolescent and parent perceptions of media influence on adolescent sexuality

Adolescence, Summer, 2004, by Ronald Jay Werner-Wilson,  Jennifer Lynn Fitzharris,  Kathleen M. Morrissey


This article talks about the different ways the media passively promotes gender and sexual stereotypes.  It also talks about how media is become more personal, not just for the family which is leaving kids who are unequipped to understand the things they are watching



Section C: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

Conjunctive and Disjunctive Verbal Interactions between a Couple

            In Unity 17a Dr. Leon James talks about two different styles of speech, sexy and unsexy.  In this case we are going to look at sexy as conjunctive verbal interactions and unsexy as disjunctive verbal interaction between a couple.  When the husband is speaking in a sexy manner the wife will respond with warm feeling for their husband, but if the husband is using the unsexy style of interacting she will feel an inner turn off for her husband or boyfriend.  The reason this means so much to the woman is because the way he is acting with her on a verbal level is will help her indicate how he’ll treat her on a mental level.  One thing a man must remember is that talking in a sexy style is not talking about sex itself, it refers to whether he is focusing his thoughts on self, the topic, or his wife.


          When the relationship is in the dominance phase, there are a lot of unsexy verbal interactions going on.  In this phase he is completely focuses on himself and she is expected to be obedient in everything she does.  He constantly interrupts her and hardly ever lets her finish what she was saying.  So as you can see this type of verbal interaction is very disconjunctive to a relationship.  When your husband acts as if he doesn’t care what you’re saying you are obviously not on the way to unity or eternity.  He needs to stop interrupting her and giving her advice, he needs to understand how a woman feels and watch her face when he is talking to her, this will let her know that he actually cares about what she thinks. He needs to begin seeing her as the women he is going to be spending eternity with, his partner forever and always.


          He needs to remember that if he keeps treating her in this way she will begin to think hellish thoughts about their relationship and soon they will go backwards on the path to eternity.  Once he realizes this he must win his wife or girlfriend back, and treat her with trust and confidence and feelings of deep love, instead of accusing her of things and showing anger at her.  If he realizes this on his own then he will be enlightened, and he is a lucky man because all there is left to do is practice the sexy way of verbal interaction with his wife so that they can grow into a conjoint soul together.


My Opinion


          In my opinion there is no doubt that a sexy way of verbal interaction would be better then the hellish road of unsexy verbal interactions.  I know that in my relationship I should consider myself lucky; my boyfriend focuses very much on keeping the sexy interactions strong.  He always makes me and my opinions feel important and I do the same for him.  If he was to treat me in an unsexy verbal way all the time I don’t see how the relationship would ever be able to work.  Its actually our three year anniversary today and I know for  fact that if we treated each other with more disconjunctive interactions then conjunctive we would not be celebrating today.  You are supposed to be happy and have feelings of love and trust in your relationship if you want to reach the goal of unity and become a conjoined soul.


Tannen Dialogue Analysis


Dialogue 1 from Gender and Discourse (Tannen p. 37)


Isadora: “Why do you turn on me? What did I do?”

Bennett: Silence.

Bennett: “What did I do?”

He looks at her as if her not knowing were another injury.

Bennett: “Look, let’s just go to sleep now, Let’s forget it.”

Isadora: “Forget what?”

He says nothing


In this dialogue I would say that Bennett is being very disconjunctive in the relationship.  Isadora is trying to find out what is wrong but he is ignoring her and making her feel as though she is not important, and that she is what’s wrong.  He doesn’t try to work out his problem and obviously doesn’t care to discuss it with her.


Dialogue 2 from Gender and Discourse (Tannen, p. 155)


In this scene Marianne is trying to express her dissatisfaction with her life with Johan.


Marianne: “do you like coming home?”

          Johan :( kindly) is everything so awfully complicated today”


Marianne: “did you want your life to be like this?”

          Johan: I think that life has the value you give it, neither more nor less.  I refuse to live under the eye of eternity.


Well just as you can see from the last line in the dialogue, you can tell that Johan is not pursuing any type of unity in this marriage.  In both cases he is covering up answers and not talking to Marianne in a straight forward manner.  In this case I believe that Johan wants to get out of the relationship and using such unsexy disconjunctive verbal interactions he will be out the door soon.


Section D: Conclusion and Advice to Future Generations

What I’ve learned

          First stepping into this class the philosophies that Dr. James was teaching us seemed a little hard to believe.  At first I almost looked at it in a way of bashing the male and taking away his rights, but slowly I began to realize that from the very beginning of a relationship the women has already given her whole self.  I took this class because I thought it would be interesting to learn about marriage.  I didn’t know it was going to help me on the path to the perfect marriage and to eternity with my boyfriend.  Ever since the first day of class I have been basing the relationships around me to the material we learn. But now it’s becoming clearer to me that the way to live in a happy relationship is to make your wife or girlfriend happy or at least constantly strive to.


There would be times when I would look at the Unity model through my parents relationship, and realize how absolutely lucky I am to have parents that have been married for 36 and are going strong on the unity phase.  And then there are times that I look at mine and my boyfriends’ relationship.  Looking at our relationship in the different steps of the ennead chart make me happy because it helps me realize how lucky I have to have a boyfriend that loves me and treats me with such conjunctive qualities.  He is so focused on my feelings and keeping me happy and by looking at this chart it has helped me give him more love and admiration for loving me so much.  I look forward to sticking with the Unity model in marriage on my path to marriage.


            The most important advice I could give a future student would be to read and read and read.  This whole class is based on Dr. James work so the only way that you can understand it is to throw yourself into it.  If you don’t understand something, read it until you do.


I’m not sure about anyone else but I have a little fear of public speaking so I was very worried about having to do three oral presentations, I’ve only done one so far but it made me realize that it’s a lot easier then I thought it out to be.  So my next tip of advice would be do not stress out if you don’t like public speaking… you’ll do fine!


And last but not least, this is a very long report and in order to do it well you need to take your time.  Try to make an outline ahead of time of the different topics you are going to tough on, also make sure you know your movies pretty well so that you can see what type of relationships the characters have.


If you take in all of the material you will really enjoy the class, I believe it will help people realize what type of relationship they want to have when they are married.


Section E

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