Report 2:

The Unity Model of Marriage:

Understanding Unsound Advice and False Messages from the Media

 

Tiffany Wong

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report2.htm

 

I am answering Questions: 6, 14, 8, 12, 4

 

 

The Question I am answering is Question 6:

 

a)      Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture notes. Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.

b)      Go to Dr. Phil’s Website and look at the synopsis of his advice to several women who are seeking his advice on how they can improve their sexual relationship with their husbands. Analyze Dr. Phil’s approach to sexuality in relation to your answer in (a).

c)      Conclusions and Recommendations

 

 

Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex

 

Sex is a significant issue that affects everyone’s lives. It has become even more predominant in our society that is driven by the sex-crazed media. Sex takes on different meanings for different people in certain types of relationships. With humans, there are three different components that are involved in sexuality: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. 

 

Western media splashes it all over advertisements, television shows, magazines, and movies. We look at movies like Wedding Crashers, that promotes casual, one-night stands, and feel that it is okay to do. Very few media outlets encourage our youth to have sexual relationships where the partners are intimate mentally, not only physical. Instead, they promote the Love of the Sex. 

 

Love of the Sex is natural, animalistic sexual relationship. It is non-exclusive sex—having sexual intercourse with multiple partners on a purely physical level. A person who is in a non-exclusive sexual relationship is in love with one’s own pleasure in the activity, no matter who the person is or how compatible they are emotionally. This love is built into the affective organ in everyone’s mind, but programmed differently between the sexes.

 

For the majority of women, any physical intimacy is because of or in hopes mental intimacy. This is not the case for men. Men are built to want to have multiple partners without the cognitive intimacy. They have a biological need to spread their seed. To add to this biological desire to be promiscuous, the media encourages this type of behavior with television shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, which show their leading male characters cheating on their wives and girlfriends.

 

      Love of the Sex is of a hellish mind and a lower nature. It is one that is most resembling of animals. The person is selfish and self-centered. They only care about their own pleasure at the expense of their partner’s. They take what they want, when they want, however they want. As Joey famously said on an episode of Friends, “women are like ice cream. There are all different flavors.’ But just like eating too much ice cream can give you a stomachache, too many different sexual partners can be a bad thing as well. 

 

      What is rarely seen on primetime television and even more rare to see in real life is the Love of One of the Sex. It is of a heavenly, higher nature mind where there is exclusive sex. In order to be above the animalistic level of all other animal species, we have to create a love that is sexually intimate and private with only one person. There is no messing around with other women, going clubbing, or rubbing up against other people when dancing. Thoughts are not of what sex would be like with the girl you saw in class the other day. There is only one person that you want to share everything with.

 

This sexual relationship is much more personal—it’s exclusive. There are only two people involved sexually—the husband and the wife. Both partners care about pleasuring the other, and share a cognitive and affective intimacy that is meaningful and significant. It is in the Love of One of the Sex that people have “the best sex ever.” When two people understand each other’s thoughts and mental processing so well, they can almost read the other person’s thoughts. They understand what they want, desire, and need without their partner having to say a word.

 

That knowledge and ability of being so mentally in-tune with their partner translates physically, making every touch and kiss that much more pleasurable and perfect. People call it “making love” because the sexual intimacy is an extension of their mental intimacy. It physically demonstrates love and affection for the other person. When two people are the Love of One of the Sex, they are not only lovers but also each other’s best friends. It isn’t about quantity, but quality.

 

 

Dr. Phil’s Advice

 

 

Dr. Phil has some great advice for how married couples can turn the Love of the Sex into the Love of One of the Sex. He whole-heartedly rejects the idea of male dominance, where the wife is compliant and submissive. “Hit the eject button on the internal dialogue that has been written on the slate of who you are by your mom,” Dr. Phil constantly reminds the couples. “It’s not all about the husband.”

 

In the episode of More Sex!, four women described their troubled sex lives. They each have their own different stories and length of time that they have been married. Dana has been married to a husband she loves for 14 years, but had an affair to fill the emotional void. Melissa has been married for six years, and comforts herself with food. Married for five years, Karen wants more than just sex. She wants a best friend and romance. Although Annette has only been married for eight months, the honeymoon has clearly been over for a while.

 

After listening to every different situation, Dr. Phil gave advice that both agreed and disagreed with the Unity Model of Marriage. One that agreed with the unity phase is that the husband cannot act selfish. Whether it is because he feels guilty about cheating, thinks romancing his wife is over once they are waiting, or just doesn’t care anymore he needs to give the companionship and affection that his wife is looking for. Mistakes, not having enough time, or being angry with his wife should not be the reason why you are a lousy husband.

 

The husband has to look at sex and his marriage through an altruistic stance. He has to have compassion and understand to the anxieties and rejected feelings that his wife has from his behavior. If he is not happy, than he has to be man enough to tell her why he is unhappy. Women are biologically nurturing and want to ease emotional stress. They are very perceptive to people’s feelings, and empathize with the other person. So when their husbands are unhappy, they are as well. By opening up, their husband will give their wife happiness by sharing with them their feelings and building a friendship, not only sex.  

 

In many of his other episodes, he emphasizes the importance of husbands easing the stresses of their wives, without expecting any sex. Many times, the wife does not want to have sex because she claims she does not have the time or the energy at night when the husband is in the mood. She is exhausted from the long day she had at work, taking care of the kids, cooking the dinner, and cleaning up the house. If the husband works to ease her worries by running her a bubble bath or giving her a massage, the wife will feel more at ease, loved, and receive the affection that she has been craving.

 

When she feels loved and appreciated, she is more likely to want to translate this mental intimacy into physical intimacy. This sex will also be so much better than if the husband were to coax his wife into bed even though she felt an emotional void between her and her husband. This advice that Dr. Phil gave was great. It shows the mass of people the importance of having a friendship as well as a romantic relationship in a marriage. The male dominance phase that is so often portrayed through the media is flattened when they see a well-liked psychologist speaking against it. 

 

Yet, Dr. Phil also gave some unsound advice of how to improve a couple’s sex life and relationship. He claimed that, “in a relationship it doesn’t take both people working on it at the same time in order to start making changes.” In almost all cases, the wife always wants to conjoin. It is in her nature to want to be mentally and physically connected to her husband. It is usually the husband that resists conjoining by remaining mentally independent.

 

It is only when both couples are voluntarily making an effort to conjoin that they can reach the unity phase. It takes both people working—the husband constantly thinking about his wife, her wants, and how to mold his behavior to make her happy; the wife being the source of wisdom and eternal knowledge and maintaining her patience—to make changes towards having a marriage in eternity. If either one is not working to making each other happy, then the efforts made by the other partner are made in vein.

 

Dr. Phil’s first piece of advice could be seen as a promotion of the unity phase. The second, the dominance phase. Yet, much of his advice to women of improving their sexual relationship, Dr. Phil takes an equity phase approach.

 

He recommends that couples negotiate their way to a better sex style and life. He believes that a couple needs to make compromises of what happens in the bedroom. If there is something that the wife really wants to try or enjoys doing then the husband should give in. If there is a fantasy that the husband has always wanted to come true then she should give in another night. The one thing he stresses in sexual compromises must be made within boundaries. Both parties have to be comfortable.

 

 

Conclusion and Recommendation

 

Nonetheless, Dr. Phil pushes husbands to have sexual relationships that are the Love of One of the Sex, and prevent the Love of the Sex. He tells husbands that they must take the wives feelings and opinions into consideration and listen. Truly listen. There is not division of loyalties or selfishness. That is simply unacceptable and lousy copout. The wife always comes first. It is that simple. Dr. Phil spreads this part concept of the Unity Model of Marriage over the media, giving us a more promising outlook that perhaps the unity phase is closer to the future of all people than we classmates thought.

 

Although some of his advice does not agree with the unity phase all the time, it always agrees with having a sexual relationship that is the Love of One of the Sex. I guess it is like all advice: you have to take them all into consideration, and the pick out which ones you.   

 

 

The Question I am answering is Question 14:

 

a)      Explore the song analysis technique used by students in the 1982 generation: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_hmtl/499/songls/html

Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is our reaction in relation to AUVs and UV’s?

b)      Explore the song analysis technique used by G24 in 2006: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/ See their report 1, section (e).

Describe the technique they used for song analysis and their conclusions. What is your reaction in relation to AUVs and Uvs?

c)      Read the article titled “Why Britney Spears Matters” at: www.gwu.edu/~medusa/2001/britney.html

Summarize and discuss what the article says. Discuss the article in relation to the unity model and the three phases.

d)      What are the social implications of all this, e.g., for you, your sisters, young women. What do you recommend as a way of dealing with this situation?

 

 

1982’s Generation Song Analysis

 

A song that the students of the 1982’s generation was “Here I am.” Students Leonard Fabro and Joy Shiraishi broke the song apart line by line to translate what each meant individual to give the entire song meaning. They indicated thoughts that the antagonist conveyed in certain lines, and situations or times that they were remembering. From my interpretation of Fabro and Shiraishi’s translation of the song, the song is about pining for a lost love.

 

The antagonist is no longer with the person that they feel is the love of their life. He spends all his time thinking about memories of when they were together, and the strong emotions that he felt when she was in his life. Even though they are not together anymore, he still wants to be with her. The antagonist feels that no one can give him the happiness and peace of mind that she did. He just wants to have the feeling of completeness back in his life.

 

This song reveals anti-unity values. They are no longer a couple. The partner proved by leaving, that she did not want to conjoin to the antagonist. Her motivation and goal was not to ease his stress and pass her wisdom on to him, but to maintain her independence from him. She was not ready to have a unity phase relationship. We can see this clearly from the translations they received from their analysis techniques. 

 

2006’s Generation Song Analysis

 

For 2006’s generation song analysis, I chose to look at Boa Mien Lau’s translation of “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. He had a very different analysis technique than those of the people in the previous generation that I had looked at. Instead of translating the meaning of each line individually, he read the entire song, and the made one final theme of the song at the end, taking little snippets of the song to reinforce his reasoning. 

 

He felt that the antagonist in this song was empowered by leaving a boyfriend who was clearly expressing anti-unity values. She was wronged in the relationship. He played mental games with her, made her feel guilty for things that were not her fault, and lied to her on several occasions. Lau felt that the antagonist spoke of a relationship situation that many girls find themselves in real life today. I would have to agree with his analysis and conclusion.

 

Men are very resistant to having a monogamous relationship with just one woman, let along want to conjoin with a woman. Not a day goes by that I do not hear of anti-unity values that my friends’ boyfriends are displaying to them. Our society makes it not only easy, but also tolerable for men to treat women in this fashion. We live in a time where a wife will not leave her husband if he cheats on her, lies to her, or physically abuses her.

 

One thing that I feel Lau missed in the analysis of the song is that it is also promoting the idea of unity values. The antagonist in the song is saying that she will not tolerate this behavior and treatment from her boyfriend anymore. Yes, he did do all these things to her, and she loved him inspite of them. However, somewhere along the way, she realized that his actions were showing that he is not the one that she can spend eternity with, and she was unwilling to settle for anything less than what she deserves—everything.

 

 

Why Britney Spears Matters

 

 

Music takes on many different roles. It is considered: art, an expression of the artist’s feelings, changes that are happening during time, and many other things. The meaning of the lyrics can change to fit each person’s individual experiences in life and knowledge. It can change over time, evolve, and then be passed down to the next generation to take its own interpretation of the lyrics. Yet one thing is always the same with music, no matter what it is considered: the theme.

 

Times have definitely changed. Our youth is more knowledgeable of mature material and a more aware of their sexuality then they were forty years ago. Unlike our mothers and fathers, we have grown up being taught basic sexual education since the sixth grade and hearing the F word since the first grade. We have been raised in a time where living with our boyfriends is no longer a sin, and giving it up before your married is almost a requirement.

 

With such a big difference in sexual knowledge between the two generations, it is hard to fathom that our mothers and grandmothers were listening to lyrics that are comparable to those of Britney Spears. Yet, one author does just that and reveals to us the damaging repercussions that have occurred in our generation and not in our foremothers.

            When sexuality first hit the mainstream by artists like Diana Ross and the Supremes, being proud of one’s womanhood was almost shunned. Women at the time were told that cover their entire bodies, act modestly, and pretend that they did not have any sex-drive. It was considered improper to speak of sexuality, let alone act upon those feelings and urges. It was a time when there were divisions among when because of the color of their skin. One was seen as more animalistic and less of a person because their skin was darker. 

 

            What Diana Ross and the Supremes and other mainstream girl groups did was make accepting and flaunting a woman’s body and sexuality okay. They gave women the ability to be proud in their gender, their bodies, and the beauty of their sexuality. The clothes they wore flaunted the curves of their bodies, but left much to the imagination. They made dressing sexily an acceptable thing to do.

 

            More importantly, these artists of the girl groups closed the gaps between the different races. Girls were not looking at the color of their skin, but at the relatable lyrics that artists, like Diana Ross, were singing. The sexual innuendos and content promoted strength in not only feeling comfortable with their sexuality, but being happy with who they were no matter color, creed, or class. It opened the door for them to ask questions about sex and sexual desires that many teenage girls did not understand in the 1960s.

 

            Artists like Britney Spears have followed these idols suit by sing and dress provocatively, as they had in the past. However, her lyrics, clothing, and dance moves take on completely different meanings because it is in a different time and done in a different fashion. Our generation is already light-years ahead of our mothers’ generation in sexual education and knowledge. We do not put as much emphasis on the importance of marriage or morals as they did in the past.

 

            Britney Spears’ audience is much younger than Diana Ross and the Supremes’ were. While the 1960’s girl groups were promoting a healthier outlook on women in general, Britney Spears’ behavior and lyrics are felt to reinforce unhealthy images of what a perfect woman should look like today: white, young, skinny, and super sexy.

 

            It is one thing to change the lyrics to a sexier sophisticate tone when your audience is being promoted of being a stronger woman. It is an entirely different story to have 10-year-old girls sing lyrics and dressing a fashion that they feel is the only why to get a guys attention. Diana Ross and the Supremes took sexuality and made it acceptable. Britney Spears took sexuality and set it at an unreasonable height that cannot be touched by the majority of teenage girls.

 

 

Social Implications

 

Much of the mainstream singers dress, acts, and sing about the same things: sex. But not sex where there is passion and meaning, but where it used to get what you want and chase boys in a promiscuous way. I watch music videos everyday on MTV that shows girls younger than me, shake their butts on a table to please the male lead in the video.

 

            What this is telling me and other young women is that it is okay and even wanted for us to use our bodies to get what we want. It no longer has anything to do with how smart we are, or the changes that we can make to better the world. Songs today are of how men care more about having sex with us than the size of our hearts. We are told day in and day out that if we do not conform to these standards set by these artists, like Britney Spears and the Pussycat Dolls, they we are not what guys want.

 

            It was not that long ago that I was at a cousin’s wedding in Kauai that I saw the impact these lyrics have on our youth. We were dancing on the dance floor when the song “Magic Stick,” a song about a guy’s genitals, began to play. I turn around to see my 10-year-old cousin, Taylor, singing and dancing along with the song. I asked her if she knew what she was sing about. Her response was, “Mom told me that it’s about a magic stick that’s like a fairy wand.”

 

            I was very upset and disturbed by this revelation. I felt as if my cousin had lost her youth and innocence without even knowing it. What disturbed me even more was that my aunt had lied to her about what the “magic stick” was. I feel that if you do not feel comfortable with your daughter knowing what she is sing about, then she shouldn’t be singing the song at all.

 

            My fear for what will happen in the future is that our female youth will lose their innocence so early that they will miss out on an actual childhood, where they don’t have to worry about if what they are wearing attracts guys or if the lipstick shade they have excites their crush. Adulthood relationships are hard enough for me, and I am 21-year-old. I could not image having to go through all the things that I did with my sexuality at an earlier age.

 

            What I recommend to mothers is to protect their child’s innocence as much as possible. I am not say, lie to your daughters and not tell them about sex and how to feel comfortable with their sexuality. I am simply suggesting that you be the one to tell him about sexuality. Explain to them what lyrics mean, but also the repercussions. Don’t let the media dictate your daughter’s future and self-esteem. You are her mother, and she will listen and remember what you told her.

 

 

The Question I am answering is Question 8:

 

a)      In your own words, describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the couple’s threefold self.

b)      Describe any difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including:

a.      The idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others

b.      The eternal significance of marriage

c.       Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven

c)      Describe the reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.

d)      How has the unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?

 

 

My Interpretation of the Unity Model of Marriage

And the Threefold Self

 

The Unity Model of Marriage is composed of three different phases: Male dominance, equity, and unity. Within each phase, are three different levels of the threefold self: sensorimotor (external), cognitive (planning), and affective (internal). The combination of the different phases and levels reveals how far or close a couple is from reaching the unity phase in the Unity Model of Marriage.

 

All couples start at the dominance phase. Male Dominance is the lowest of the three. Society has taught us that because men are physically stronger and are usually the breadwinners, they are the ones that have all the power in life and in the relationship. Men are taught as boys to hold tight to their independence and freedom from women, who are too emotional to make sound decisions. In this phase, it is all about the man on every level. He makes every decision in the relationship. If she is to fight back, then he is to put her in her place.

 

Much of this phase is spent in the sensorimotor. The sensorimotor phase is considered external, because friends and family can see much of the interactions between the couple. When first starting to date, couples do a lot more physical activities to spend time together to get to know the other person. They go to the movies, hiking, out to dinner, etc. They are testing out the waters to see how well they can get along doing activities. The man takes the reins for much of this phase, because the woman is always willing to conjoin and wants to make her new boyfriend or husband happy.

 

This phase is always considered external, because you can see that the man is selfish and self-centered, focusing on his own needs through their interactions. An example of this is when I was leaving Safeway the other day. I saw a couple walking out of the store after a grocery-shopping trip. The wife was pushing the cart filled with bags of food and what looked like their one-year-old daughter in the front. When they got to the car, she put the crying baby in the car and then unpacked the entire cart into the car. The entire time she was struggling getting the bags in, the husband was talking on the phone.

 

The wife is clearly not happy. As months, or even years, go by the husband realizes that his wife will never be happy unless he changes his egocentric ways and starts taking her feelings and opinions into consideration. This leads the couple to move up from the dominance phase to the equity phase. Most couples in today’s Western society are in this phase.

 

This phase is called the equity phase because both partners are considered equal. The wife is no longer seen as a threat if she were to speak her opinion or of what she wants from her husband. Both bring their own set of beliefs to the table, they remain independent from each other mentally, and are both free to go about and do their own thing. They respect each other’s views, beliefs, and opinions.

 

A couple in the equity phase spends much of their time in the cognitive phase of the threefold self. Because the husband considers his wife to be his equal, they make decisions and plans together. As a unit, they decide where their kids are going to go to school, what they should have for dinner, take turns picking out the movie, if one should quit their job, or if they should move to a more suburban area.

 

It is a joint effort and consensus of where their life should go. They take the time to get to know what the other person is thinking and feeling. This brings them closer together than a couple who is only interacting on a sensorimotor level, because they learning about each others desires, goals, and needs and trying to create a life that meshes both their needs into one. Sometimes, they have to show a united front to keep their unruly children in line. 

 

My aunt and uncle spent a lot of time in this phase. Both are very headstrong and have strong opinions. There are a number of times where I am sure they butted heads. However, they have four boys—four boys who are all very free-spirited and energetic. In order to keep them out of trouble, my aunt and uncle had to come together and support each other in their decisions for managing their boys. I’m sure if they hadn’t come to a consensus of how to raise them, they would have both gone completely mad.

 

While it is a step up from the dominance phase, it can also be dangerous. The man has not entirely given up his mental independence. He still retains his loyalties to his family and old beliefs. There is nothing holding him from going back to the dominance phase, or keeping them from divorcing each other when times get too rough.

 

The worst part of this phase is that it is like a scorecard. Who did what for who and when. The husband thinks, “If I did that for you, then you have to do this for me,” and vice versa. The wife is forced to have to manipulate her husband in order to get what she wants. This is not a loving marriage, but more like a battlefield. There is strategy and game plans involved.

 

If the husband the can move past his internal fight to keep his mental independence and voluntarily conjoin mentally to his wife, then he will enter into the unity phase. Men naturally resist this phase, and women naturally want it. Swedenborg believes that it is the wife that receives the knowledge and wisdom directly from the Lord. The only way a husband can receive it is if he decides to listen to how his wife wants him to behave, and reforms his ways to fit into that mold. She is pure and wants nothing but what is best for the both of them.

 

In the unity phase, the husband has learned that she always speaks and acts in ways that benefit their relationship and well-being. Here, the husband never says “no” to his wife, but always “yes.” His happiness is because of hers. He cannot stand to deny her of anything that she wants or needs. 

 

In order to make sure that she is always happy, the husband acts as if he carried a little version of his wife on his shoulder every day. Whenever he is doing something, thinking something, or about to react to a situation, he thinks of what her reaction would be to whatever is doing. If he feels that she would not approve, then he doesn’t do it. He listens, not only to what his wife is saying, but what she isn’t. It’s almost as if he could read her mind.

 

This can also be considered the affective phase of the threefold self. In the affective phase, the husband and wife are mentally independent on each other. They look to each other to ease their stresses and worries. There is no blackmail, dominance, or game plan in this phase. They have no secrets, no boundaries, and no limits to their love. Any physical interaction or sexual relationship is an extension of their mental intimacy, not the other way around.

 

This is the highest level of the all phases. It is in this phase that a couple can live together happily married in eternity. These are the phases that every couple should strive for. You spend your bodily life happy and stress-free, and eternity with your soulmate.

           

 

Difficulties and Resistance

 

There were some ideas of the Unity Model of Marriage that I accepted fully upon learning about them in class. One concept was that of the eternal significance of marriage. I believe that the institute of marriage has been torn down from the highest esteem to a joke in the last few decades. Marriage should be of eternal significance, where even after the couple is long pasted over, others still speak of the love that they had for each other.

 

The other concept that I had a very easy time accepting was the idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others. When couples are so in love and happy with each other, they are happy in life. There happiness is spread to others because of the kindness and patience they exert in other areas of their life. I also feel that couples who are in a unity marriage tend to be those who are open to different ideas, educated, and religious. These types of people are in a higher state of life than others, because they tend to enjoy and value the life and gifts that they have been given.

 

Yet, I did have a lot of resistance to the unity model when I first joined this class. There were a many of ideas that I did not understand the reasoning behind. I am a religious person (I was raised and still am a Christian), believe in Karma, have a traditional Chinese background, and always open for anything. Obviously, there are a lot of different beliefs that I have and are open-minded to. Yet, there were a lot of concepts and ideas of marriage, love, and heaven that I could not bring myself to accepting at first.

 

I had hard time accepting the positive bias, especially when it came to Swedenborg’s observation of marriages in heaven. When I first read the lecture notes on the subject, I thought of it as something that any old man could have written up. I couldn’t understand how he could consider it a “scientific finding.” Scientific facts are things that can be repeated in experiments or be proven by multiple people. Swedenborg could not show anyone else his finds because it claimed the married couples that lived in eternity only came to see him. This was very hard for me to believe.

 

Yet, the idea that I struggled with the most was that a new wife or husband should be put before everyone, including his or her children from a previous marriage. I feel that once you have children, your world changes. Everything you do is in the attempt to give them a better life than you had. Your focus is on them. At times, it angered me to think that someone would promote a parent not to spend time with their child because their new wife or husband said not to would be ridiculous. When you enter a new marriage, you should know how important and incorporated their children are in their lives.

 

My Friends’ Reactions

 

Linsey Booth

 

            I talked to one of my housemates, Linsey, about the positive bias and explained to her the Unity Model. I outlined each phase and gave examples of what were some behaviors of boyfriends or husbands that could be found in each. Right away, Linsey agreed with the positive bias and loved the idea of the unity model of marriage. “That is how every guy should think and treat his girlfriend,” she exclaimed when I told her of the Unity Model.

 

            Linsey asked questions about different situations and if the Unity Model would be possible in those cases. One case that she asked about in particular was about re-marriages. She wanted to know if you could spend eternity with someone if they are your second wife or husband. I explained to her that from my understandings of the reading, yes, you could. If your first husband was in the dominant phase and did not have any desire or wish to want to be conjoin to you, then he was not your soulmate. If your second husband wants to be dependent on you and give you everything, then he is.         

 

She felt that it was much easier for her to accept ideas of couples living together in eternity because she is religious. She was born into a Catholic family, and has gone to church every Sunday for as long as she can remember. Linsey feels that it is this faith she has in something that she cannot see that helped her accept the idea of an eternal marriage.

 

Jennifer Reynolds

 

            I have talked to my best friend, Jenny, a lot about the material in this course throughout the semester, so I have gotten her opinion and reaction on a lot of what I have been learning for while. While she is not as religious as Linsey, she is very tolerant of different ideas and beliefs. When I was struggling the concept of putting your new spouse before your children from a previous marriage, I vented to her my frustrations of how someone could think in this manner.

 

            After a couple of weeks, she came back to me with a reason why she felt that this statement is true. She explained to me that your husband is the only person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with. You don’t choose your family, and not all your friends will be in your life forever. But your husband is, and he is in your life before your children are. This makes him at the top of your priorities and hierarchy. The person you choose goes on the top, and everyone else falls in place below. There was something about him that made you want promise to love him, be faithful to him forever.

 

            As a child of divorced parents, she had a different take on putting your new spouse before your children. From her personal experience, her father has put both her and her siblings before his second wife, Deanne. From her theory on the hierarchy of choice, her dad’s soulmate was her mom. She was his soulmate, the person that he choose to love and have kids with. Then they had kids. Since Deanne came after the kids, she is below them on the hierarchy.

 

            Jenny’s explanation of why the spouse should be placed before all others, including the children, made sense. It helped me look at Swedenborg’s theory as less ridiculous. I understood how someone could take that viewpoint.

 

 

Influence of the Unity Model on My Thinking

 

            Every interaction I see, hear, or take part in, I think about the Unity Model. I constantly watch how couples, especially with my friends, interact and place them in the Ennead Chart. I will listen to my housemates talk to their boyfriends over the phone, watch their physical reactions to what their boyfriends are saying, and see how unhappy they are because they are stuck in the dominance phase.

 

            I can no longer watch a movie or television show without thinking that it’s promoting the male dominance behavior and ideas. It has only been on rare occasions that I seen a couple, whether fictional or factual, on the media that is in the unity phase. It’s frustrating and disheartening to learn about a conversational style and relationship that can benefit both partners, and then seen the opposite, more hurtful type of relationship in my every day life.

 

            More importantly, I have learned what I want from a future husband and boyfriend in the relationship. I know how I want to be treated and the fact that I will settle for nothing less. It really makes me think about how I react and how my boyfriend reacts in certain situations. Does he walk away when we have a fight? Do I? There are just little nuances that I can see now in our interactions and in his affection that show me if he is the one that is willing to conjoin with me or not.

 

            I believe that my class members acquired the same benefit of knowing how they want their future relationships and marriages to be. The guys in the class have definitely benefited from this class in all the knowledge that they have gained about women from the females classmates. It is through this class, that they had the opportunity to ask us questions about behaviors or things to say in certain situations with a girlfriend or a girl they like that they might not have had the guts to ask their girlfriend or friend about.

 

            It’s in my opinion that this class should be taught to people when entering high school. High school is when our youth truly starts to have relationships and begin exploring their sexuality. I feel that it would be helpful to teach this class during the time when they are first venturing out into the dating world, because the girls can see how they should be treated and the boys can learn what it really means to treat their girlfriend right. More importantly, it will squash any of the male dominance behaviors and thought processes that have been drilled into their brains since childbirth.

 

            On the other hand, the Unity Model could also be taught in a roundabout way from the moment a child is born: watching the interactions between their parents and other adults in their environment. Children are like sponges. As their brains start to develop, they do not learn the ways of the world by taking notes in class, but by copying the behaviors and beliefs of their parents.

 

            If they grow up watching parents where the father is very loving and accommodating to the mother, the daughters will grow up wanting this type of husband and the sons will act the same way to their future wives. We are all products of our parents, whether we exactly like them or the complete opposite. Many of the choices we make and behaviors we display are due to how are parents treated each other or us in the past. If our generation takes the knowledge that we learned in class and display it in our marriages, maybe then will we break the cycle of a world filled with male dominance. 

 

 

The Question I am answering is Question 12:

 

a)      Select three couples that you know, in such a way that one is going to fail, one that is going to succeed, and one that has mixed components (success and failure, up and down)

b)      Explain why you think that the couples are failing or succeeding. Show how the unity model (with three phases) helps you understand the relationship dynamics for each couple. Give specific examples of their behaviors in the threefold self regarding conjunctive and disjunctive interactions. How would you advise them to help them succeed?

 

The Ennead Chart is of great help in predicting if a couple will fail or succeed. You are able to see what phase and level of the threefold self the couple and/or husband is in during the course of the relationship. Below I have included the Ennead Chart:

 

This is Table 4 (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY

7b
zone 7
SU
7a ------>

<------8b
zone 8

CU
8a------>

<------ 9b
zone 9
AU
9a

EQUITY

4b
zone 4
SE
4a------>

<------ 5b
zone 5
CE
5a------>

<------ 6b
zone 6
AE
6a

DOMINANCE

1b
zone 1
SD
1a ------>

<------ 2b
zone 2
CD
2a ------>

<------ 3b
zone 3
AD
3a

 

Chart is found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#Table%204

 

 

Couple to Fail

 

 

 

 

 

 

I believe that the couple that is going to fail is my cousin, Bick, and her boyfriend, Wilson. Bick and Wilson have been dating since the summer of 2004 after they meet at work. She was only 19-years-old when they started dating, and he was 26-years-old. Bick was an intern in the finance department, and Wilson is one of their head-programmers who travel around the country installing their company’s security software into major companies and casinos. They have been living together for the last year.

 

There are many reasons why I feel this couple is going to fail. For one, they are committing many of the anti-unity values, including living together unmarried and promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as a part of their gender. Wilson is constantly treating Bick like a child, speaking to her in a condescending voice about how to drive, when to do the dishes, and what she should do with the rest of her life now that she has graduated from college.

 

When Bick was about to graduate from the University of Washington, Wilson felt that she needed a car to get to and from her new job. She felt that she didn’t need a car. She was happy walking to class and work, or even taking the bus. Plus, she hasn’t driven that much, and did not feel safe driving around downtown Seattle with her lack of experience. He did not want her for to take the bus, telling her that it was not safe. He made her get a car, and then lectured her on her driving the entire drive home from the lot.

 

He belittled her, making her feel incompetent and even more stressed about driving in a busy city. He didn’t care about how she felt about having a car. He only cared about what he wanted for her, not what she wanted for himself. Wilson didn’t listen to Bick, but listened to what he thought she was saying in-between the lines. He did what he wanted, when he wanted at the expense of his girlfriend’s happiness.

 

Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Even though they are living together, Wilson is hardly ever home. His job takes him away from her for days, sometimes even weeks at a time. His being away from home does not ease her stress. She is left home by herself during the time they are apart, and most of their conversations are through text messaging. This is hardly the loving communication style that poets wrote of back then. He cannot have a sexy conversation with her if he is never around to have one with her.

 

However, that is not the biggest reason why I think that they are going to fail. I feel that Bick is not yet ready for the unity model of marriage. She is young and has never been single. There are times when she too shows actions that are disjunctive. She talks back to him, refuses to be there for things that are important to him, and will threaten him with leaving if he does not give her something that she wants.

 

I feel that both parties are not in the right mindset or mentally ready to be in the unity phase. They do switch back and forth between the Dominance and Equity phase, but have never reached the unity phase. They are both too selfish and self-centered in their actions, disregarding what the other wants or needs from their love. They have made no mention of marriage, and their lives are taking them in two very different directions. In order for me to feel that they will even be a mixed component couple, I need to see more conjunctive behavior and less disjunctive ones.

 

 

Couple to Succeed:

 

 

 

The couple that I predict is going to reach the unity phase and live together in eternity is my Aunt, Mei, and her husband, Robert. They met in a very unconventional way—she was his math teacher in college, yet she is younger than he is. They have been married since I was two-years-old and have had four wild, but wonderful boys since meeting.

           

Now, this couple did not have the best start in terms of the unity model of marriage. When they first met, she was dating someone else who she had been with for three years. She left the other guy to be with my uncle. They lived together unmarried and had a child out-of-wedlock.

 

Even after they got married, they still struggled and were definitely in the Dominance phase. He would yell and scream at her and the kids, put her down, embarrass her in public, and expect her to drop everything to make sure his needs were met. When I was sleep over at their house, I remember that she would make all us kids breakfast in the morning, make the boys lunches, take all the boys to school, go to work (she is a math teacher at an academy), pick all the boys up, make dinner, do the laundry, help them with their homework, get them all to bed, and then correct papers.

 

If I were to have written this paper nineteen years ago, I probably would have put them in the mixed component category. Yet, over the years, my uncle must have seen how unhappy my aunt was and all the stress that his selfishness was causing her. They spent a great many years in the equity phase, sometimes shift back to the dominance phase, but then, sometime two years ago, he voluntarily made himself dependent onto her and shifted all his needs and desires into making her happy.

 

When she asked to move back to California to be closer to her family, he helped her pack up the kids and moved to the area of an academy that she wanted to teach at. He took a job that allows him to get off early enough to pick up the boys from school or practice so that she can go for a run after she gets off of work. For big holidays, he splits the cooking and cleaning with her.

 

I think the pivotal moment that I remember seeing how truly committed to the unity phase my uncle had become was when my grandfather was sick in the hospital. My aunt was very upset, stressed, and didn’t know if she should stay at home and take care of the kids or do what she wanted to, and take care of her dad.

 

Even though Uncle Robert had other things he had to do—work and prior arrangements to meet with friends—he switched around his schedule to meet her needs. He eased her stress by telling her that he would take care of everything at home: keeping the house clean and taking care of the kids. He cancelled his plans with his friends and followed through with every word. She was able to stay by my grandfather’s side for a week, until he was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health.  

 

Yes, there are times when he might do something that is in the equity or dominance phase, but I know that his intentions are always true. I truly believe this couple will spend forever in eternity. My uncle has changed, and has my aunt’s opinion always in his mind when he makes decisions. I hope that my prediction about them is right.

             

Couple with Mixed Components:

 

I am unsure of whether or not my friend, Chelsea, and her boyfriend, Brett, will either succeed or fail. Chelsea is my next-door neighbor, who is a junior attending the University of Hawaii at Manoa. Brett is a junior as well, who is also attending the University. They started dating in high school in California and have been together on and off for six years.

 

There are times when I think that they will make it one day into the unity phase if he continues to act in the conjunctive way he does occasionally. He will drop her off at work when she doesn’t have a ride, bring Chelsea her favorite food when she’s stressed with school, and gets her extravagant presents for holidays, anniversaries and birthdays.

 

However, although they are very good together a lot of the time, Brett does not always treat her right. After she had broke up with him at the beginning of college to date someone else, he worked really hard to get her back. He wrote her love notes, called her, stopped by the house, and told her that he would do anything to make her happy if they got back together. Finally, he won her over will all his wooing, but did not keep his promise.

 

Yet, I have found myself on many nights holding her while she cried because he was not there for her due to his selfishness and self—centered actions. Brett does not take her feelings into consideration at times, but only cares about what he wants and needs. He takes advantage of her, and his knowledge that how much she loves and will do anything for him.

 

One example of this was when her grandfather died a couple of months ago. Chelsea called him and asked him to come over to hold and comfort her. He told her that he didn’t know how to deal with death, and furthermore, he had already told the boys that he would meet them at the bar. So Chelsea was left all by herself to mourn for the loss of her grandfather without the comforting support of her boyfriend.

 

On a separate occasion, Chelsea had gotten in a moped accident on a rainy night in Waikiki and was taken to the hospital. My housemates Linsey, Monet, and I rushed to the hospital to make sure she was okay and help with her paperwork so she could concentrate on getting better. Brett met us there, but was not happy about being there. He asked us if we would convince Chelsea that he shouldn’t be by her side because he had any early class the next day. We refused.

 

However, this was just another example of his lack of commitment to her. He is not there when she needs him. He doesn’t tell her he loves her on a daily basis, he forgets their anniversary, he embarrasses her in front of us by saying mean things, and many other things He constantly resists conjoining with her by adding to her stress and refusing to be both her best friend and her lover. He does not think about what will make her happy or make her life easier, but what she can do to ease his stress and give him what he wants.

 

Even though Brett might buy Chelsea extravagant presents, plane tickets to California, and cars, those things cannot take the place of an emotional void. In order for me to believe their relationship will succeed, he has voluntarily give up his selfish ways and put her desires first. He has to listen to her and truly want to be there to ease her stress and make her happy. Only then will I completely feel that they will live together in eternity.

 

 

The Question I am answering is Question 4:

 

a)      Consider Seciont 21 in the Lecture notes at

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#students

It gives a selection from an article titled “Secrets to a Happy Marriage.” Read and discuss the article.

b)      Are these good instances of unity values or not? Explain.

c)      Search the Web using Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.

 

 

Good Instance of Unity Value

 

I feel that the main concepts behind the secrets Dr. Trey Kuhne divulged are great instances of unity values. They speak very much of honesty, love, and support that husbands and wives should give each other when in the unity phase. Intimacy is very connected to the unity values. It is only through mental intimacy that a husband can bring him and his wife closer to an eternal marriage. I feel that if a husband is displaying anti-intimacy values, then he is also displaying anti-unity values.

 

Many of the root problems found in a marriage described by Dr. Kuhne’s secrets can be found on Dr. Leon James’ Anti-Intimacy List:

 

This list can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#mental%20intimacy

1.      Blames his wife for something

2.      Expresses anger at his wife for something

3.      Insults his wife

4.      Says things unflattering about her

5.      Embarrasses her in front of others

6.      Refuses to talk about something she wants

7.      Says No to her despite her pleadings

8.      Ignores her when she walks into the room

9.      Fails to stop her anxieties when he can so by calling

10.  Forgets things that she wants him to remember

11.  Doesn’t try to find out how she wants to be handled physically

12.  Lets her feel that he doesn't feel as responsible for housework and other marriage tasks, as he expects her to be

13.  Doesn’t try to get rid of habits he has that she doesn't like

14.  Doesn’t come to her rescue when he sees she is in distress (e.g., has too many things to do)

15.  Tries to get her to do things for him even when she rather not do them

16.  Gets insulted at her for saying something to him he doesn't like

17.  Tells her she is a nag for repeatedly reminding him of his broken promises

18.  Maintains relationships with men friends from which she feels excluded

19.  Lies to her and hides things from her

20.  Puts limits around certain issues where she is given no power of influence

21.  Makes sarcastic remarks that hurt her self-image

22.  Sees her being disturbed about something and does nothing about it

23.  Makes her accept his choice in something when she would prefer something else (e.g., ordering food, renting a movie, selecting a TV channel, going somewhere, buying something, etc.)

Dr. Kuhne’s first secret is: Full disclosure of moneys—no hidden accounts. This connects perfectly to Dr. James’ 19th ant-intimacy value and is a perfect instance of a unity value. A couple in the unity phase does not have any secrets from one another. They understand that any lie, no matter how small, is hurtful and considered a betrayal of trust.

Many marriage problems are due to money, or lack there of, but lies lead to the destruction of a marriage. Lies indicate a lack of trust between the partners. The partner that is hiding something from the other is demonstrating that they are trying to retain a piece of independence from the other. They do not want to conjoin for whatever reason, and without fully conjoining a couple cannot be in the unity phase of marriage.

The second secret—each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills—can be connected to a number of the anti-intimacy values, including 3, 4, and 21. In a unity marriage, the husband has learn and create a sexy conversational style with his wife, that makes her feel comfortable communicating her ideas and distress to her husband without feeling attacked or stupid.

He cannot claim to love her and want what is best for her if he is continually putting her down in public, not seeing her indirect comments. He has to be able to read in-between the lines of what she is saying to understand what she is not saying. If a wife feels that her husband is not listening to what she is saying and giving her the support she needs by listening, he breaks her trust in him.

            This happened to me a few months ago with my boyfriend, Mark. We were at a party and one of my friends, Summer, ran into the bathroom and started crying. I went check on her, and she told me that her boyfriend had cheated on her. When Mark came to see if we were alright, I told him what had happened. Right away Mark sided with Summer’s boyfriend, Peter, telling me that I was wrong. It embarrassed me that he didn’t listen to what I had to say, or even seemed like he cared. It broke my trust that he would support and believe me in what I told him.

            Later that night, I explained to him how he had hurt me by telling me in front of everyone that I was wrong. I felt that he didn’t support me or care that someone I care about was hurting. He just wanted to prove that I was wrong. After he heard how much he hurt me, he apologized and explained to me that he was just trying to relieve my stresses by telling me that nothing had happened between Peter and another girl.

            Although Mark had my best intentions at heart, his communication style did convey to me his wanting to ease my stress. It only added to it. It has taken him a while, and lot of mistakes along the way, but he has finally learned a sexy conversation style that fits both of our needs.

Words are a powerful tool, and any misuse of them can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Dr. Kuhne points this out in his third secret: praise your spouse often in public and private. This secret is a great combat against Dr. James’ fifth anti-intimacy value. Our feelings get hurt enough when people we don’t know say slanderous things about us behind our backs. When someone we love does this, it is even more hurtful. This is a person that we trust and are vulnerable to. We trust that they will not take advantage of the weakness we have shown then throughout our relationship.

Our partners are supposed to make us feel like kings and queens. This is one thing that Mark is very good at. He always tells his friends what a great poker player I am, how much of a talented sailor I am, and how much fun I am to be around. When I am feeling down about school, he constantly tells me how I am the most intelligent person he knows. He’s also quick to compliment my cooking, and tell his parents how good I am to him and how well I treat him.

These complements make me feel so much closer and important to him, not to mention, they make me feel better about myself. He takes all the things I am self-conscious about and turns them into things that make me valuable to him. I never worry about telling him things with the thought he might think it’s stupid. I am comfortable being myself when I am around him. He created an environment where I feel I can safely talk about anything and where he fulfills my emotional needs. This is key to having a unity relationship.

I believe that Dr. Kuhne’s secrets are great instances of unity values. The main concept of the advice promotes a healthy, warm environment that prevents betrayal and bad surprises. Yet, with as many good instances that I found in the secrets, I did find a flaw. One thing that I think is a bad instance of unity values in Dr. Kuhne’s Secrets to a Happy Marriage is the fact that the wife is seen as a culprit in the things that go wrong in a marriage.

In the Unity Model of Marriage, the wife never resists or acts selfishly. Her thoughts and behavior are always towards conjoining to her husband. Dr. Kuhne’s writing suggests that there are times where she is the reason why they are not in a happy marriage. This is not so. The husband, by nature, is always the one to resist conjoining and displays anti-unity and anti-intimacy values.

 

Google Advice in the Unity Model of Marriage

I searched Google for advice from other people on what the secrets are to a happy marriage. I stumbled upon Romancestruck marriage advice. They wrote a list of advice to married couples of how to make a marriage work. I choose three that stood out the most to me:

This list can be found at: http://www.romancestuck.com/marriage-advice.htm

9. Be fair! Split the housework, spending money, etc evenly. This way you are never resentful of your partners contributions (or lack of) or expenditures.

21. Be quick to say "I'm sorry".

42. Never compare your marriage to others. What you see on the outside is not always what it is on the inside.

The first piece of advice that I choose stuck out to me right away was because it is an equity phase advice. It recommends that couples split everything—work, house work, in the bedroom, and with their children—to keep one partner from feeling they are putting all the effort into making the marriage work, and resentful of it. On the surface, this seems like a great thing for couples to try.

Unfortunately, this is an anti-unity value that can tear a couple apart. When a couple tries to split everything down the middle to make sure that no one feels that they are pulling more weight than the other, their relationship turns into a score sheet. Every time a partner does something, they put a tally on their side. When they want something from their spouse, they bring it and use it as leverage.

My parents display the score sheet method a lot. My dad will go on a cleaning frenzy, and clean the entire house while my mom is at work or out shopping. When he wants something, he will bring up the fact that he had cleaned the entire house at the beginning of the week and make her feel like she owes him. However, once she does that one thing, she gets to put a tally on her side, and the score sheet is equalized.

This can be very destructive to a marriage. The constant tallying and scorekeeping turns the marriage more into a competition than a partnership. They are working against each other for independent causes, not working together for the common cause of both people living together in harmony and eternal happiness. This is great advice for teammates or classmates that are competing for the best position on the team or best grade, but not for a healthy marriage.

The second word of advice agrees with the unity model of marriage if the husband does so meaning it. If he just says he is sorry to stop his wife from nagging him, then it is not a unity value. If he listens to what his wife’s explanation of why she was hurt by what he said or did, and understands what changes he needs to make in order to bring them closer to the unity phase and make her happy, then it is unity advice. Yet, he must do more than just say sorry. He has to change his behavior and show her that he really heard what she said.

I had the most difficulty placing the last advice in terms of what I know of the unity model of marriage, yet I choose it because I believe that it is true. After much thought, I realized that this is a unity phase advice. It suggests that the husband and wife appreciate what they have found in each other, and understand each other to a point where they are not insecure with where their relationship is.

When a man resists conjoining to his wife by maintaining his independence, the wife becomes insecure with herself and the relationship. She looks around at other couples to see what she wants from her own marriage that she can find in other people’s marriages. If her husband is giving her everything she wants and needs from him and a marriage, there is no reason for her to look at other couple’s marriages in comparison to her own. She is happy and at peace with the life that she has, and looks towards the future to the life she will spend in eternity with her husband. 

 

My report on the Current Generation

Report 1 of Previous Generation

 

Emily Georgeo

 

This report can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/georgeo/georgeo-409b-g25-report1.htm  

 

            Georgeo brought up numerous points that I never thought of in terms of the Unity Model of Marriage. She pointed out that many of the relationships have switched from the woman always wanting to conjoin on all levels of the threefold self, now, a lot of men seek this connection maybe even more so than women. I think that this new trend is due to how the social world is becoming more equalized between women and men. Women today are being taught to be more independent and less reliant on men. Society tells them not to expect a unity phase marriage, but settle for the dominance or equity phase.

 

            Her report seemed to take real life situations that were not discussed in the lecture notes or class, and see if these couples or people would ever be able to have a marriage in eternity.

 

            One topic that seemed very important to her and was brought up multiple times in her analysis was whether or not unwed mothers will ever be able to be a part of a unity phase relationship. Much of her examples and research that she hinted that not only are these women less likely to be in a unity phase marriage, but that their children would also not be able to be a part of it.

 

            I happened to disagree with this concept that unwed mothers will not be a part of a unity phase marriage. Yes, it is harder to find a good husband when you have a child from another relationship. However, divorced couples can remarry into a unity marriage, I do not see how an unwed mother couldn’t. I feel that the unity model is very forgiving to missteps people make because of the societal rules dictated to us at a young age. An unwed mother can go through the same steps across the Ennead Chart, and find a man who is wants to spend eternity with him.

 

            If this unwed mother finds a husband who is will to conjoin to her, her child will see the type of marriage that he or she wants in the future. It only takes one generation where there is a unity phase marriage to show a person that it is possible, and the mental intimacy and happiness that they would not have by settling for anything but a unity marriage.

 

            I really enjoyed reading her report, because she chose to tackle different concepts and sections of life that was not covered in my class. It helped me really think about whether or not certain behaviors or circumstances would prevent a person from obtaining the highest level in the Unity Model of Marriage. She helped me open my eyes to different subject matters. 

 

Caitlin Fields

 

This report can be found at:

 http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/fields/fields-409b-g25-report1.htm

 

            Caitlin Fields brought up many television shows and movies that I have watched before, but never looked at in terms of the Unity Model of Marriage. She examined the different dialogues that took place between the female and male lead characters. She also took scenes from selected episodes and parts of the movies that revealed anti-unity or unity values, and then compared it to situations that she herself or her friends have gone through in real life.

 

            One interesting topic that she brought up was the dangers of fantasies that men have. She feels that much of the advice that is given to enhance a couple’s sex life steers them in to a danger zone of wanting to have affairs with other people. While allowing couples to keep the sizzle in their sex life by dressing up their wives as someone other themselves can prevent their husbands from cheating, it also promotes their husbands to love and show affection for someone other than the person that they are married to.

 

            She explains that when a husband is in the unity phase of marriage, he loves his wife for everything that she is, not everything that he wants her to be. Their sexual relationship is not a separate entity of the mental intimacy, but a branch of it. A couple’s sex life is enhanced and sizzles the most when they are at the highest pick of the mental intimacy. Fields points out that all the you don’t need to role-play to make your sex life better, but the understanding of each other’s mental needs is the key to the “best sex ever.”  

 

I really enjoyed reading Fields report 1 because she brought up different topics and points about the Unity Model of Marriage that was not pointed out in Emily Georgeo’s report 1. She chose more sexual topics. She pointed out advice that I always thought was fine for couples to try, and showed me how harmful these seemingly innocent tactics to bring a couple closer together is. Her report really made me think more in-depth of advice given and look at advice for more than just it’s face value.

 

 

Advice to Future Generations

 

            This class is not as easy as it sounds. It is a lot of work, and takes much time and discipline to get a good grade in this class. One thing that I would recommend from my own experiences is if you need help, ask for it. Don’t wait for weeks to go by before you ask how to upload a document on your webpage. If you are not comfortable going up to the teacher, ask your fellow classmates. They are always more than willing to help you out.

 

            For the second report, I would recommend not to procrastinate. Make sure to space out working on the paper. You will be a lot less stressed out, which is especially helpful since the second report is due around the time of finals. Make sure that you read the instructions carefully, because there are a lot of things that you have to make sure you do. When writing the paper, I recommend that you do your research first. Writing the paper will go so much faster and be less problematic if you know what you are writing about.

 

            I don’t want to scare you away from this class though. It is a great class that discusses issues that are new and complex. It makes you think about what you want in a relationship, how the relationship you are in functions, and why your past relationships never worked out. You will fully be able to enjoy this class if you make sure that you keep up with all your work. 

 

Class Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/classhome-g26.htm

 

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-home.htm