Report 1

Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive

Discourse and Behavior in Couples

By Tiffany Wong

Instructions for this report are at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-report1.htm

G26 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

Section A: Categorizing Interactions Using the Ennead Chart

The Ennead Chart

The Ennead chart represents the nine phases that it takes to get to the Unity Phase of the marriage.

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY conjunctive interactions	7	8	9
EQUITY negotiated interactions	4	5	6
DOMINANCE coercive interactions	1	2	3

 This chart can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm#ennead-chart

Prime in the Ennead Chart

The Ennead Chart is based on the habits and attitudes that are learned in our childhood through our parents, peers, and environment. Our subconscious thoughts and behaviors are formed in the Dominance and Equity phase, for this is what we see the most as we grow up observing our parents’ marriage and other relationships around us. The older we get, the more set in our ways we become.

To reach the Unity phase, a couple has to fight their inner most impulses of the dominance and equity phase to changing the attitudes and behaviors that are destructive to having a relationship in eternity. A man has unlearn everything that society has taught him of his role in a marriage and learn how to conjoin himself with his wife or girlfriend.

The Ennead chart helps a couple see whether these natural impulses are being curved and changed to become one. Each box indicates what their intentions are and the direction their relationship is going by charting their interactions according to the nine phases. A couple must go through each phase—dominance (cells, 1, 2, 3) and equity (2, 5, 6)—before being able to reach unity. They do not need to pass through the cells in consecutive order, but can jump back and forth between dominance and equity before finally reaching unity.

Below, I have demonstrated how to chart a relationship by the verbal and non-verbal interactions between a couple from the year 2000 movie Prime. You can clearly see the progress and digression of the relationship through their behavior and communication.

Beginning

§ To be a Jew or to Not

Zone 8: How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife.

David is Jewish. Rafi is an atheist. At a therapy session, her therapist, Lisa, brings up problems that could occur when raising children when the parents are of two different faiths. Rafi explains that she would love David to keep his faith. She knows that it means a lot to him. Since she doesn’t have one, she would love for their children to have his faith. While she is unwilling to convert, she is willing to meet him halfway and having him keep his faith and pass it on to the next generation.

David never pushes her to become Jewish, but accepts her decisions. Throughout the movie, he never pressures her to change her faith as she does the same to him.

Middle

§ Rafi First

Zone 9: How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else—children, friends, family, career, attachments

After Lisa, David’s mother, has made it clear to him that she does not want anything to do with his new girlfriend because she was much older than her and not Jewish. David did not speak to her or answer her phone calls after. When Rafi found out that Lisa had betrayed her trust, he sat beside her stroking her hair and listening to how upset she was. He was on the phone the next day with his mom telling her that what she did was wrong. He stuck up for Rafi and made sure that her feelings were taken care of. He put her first.

§ The Hamptons

Zone 4: Who is attentive to the other

Rafi and David go to the Hamptons for the weekend to hang out with her friends. When alone he is very attentive to him, facing towards her, actively listening to what she is saying, and she is the same to him. Yet, when hanging out at the pool, Rafi discusses her relationship with her friends to see how they feel. Rafi does not talk directly to him about her concerns of the relationship, but behind his back to her friends. She allows her friends to “test” him with awkward questions of faith and their age difference. Throughout the weekend, he remains physically distant, facing away from her with an uncomfortable look on his face. By the pool, they maintain a distance, sitting on the same lounge chair, but not touching each other, and facing different directions.

§ Walking Away

Zone 1: Who doesn’t answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

At an art show, Rafi and David are walking to meet a friend of hers to discuss David’s art. They are holding hands, but David is slight standing behind her, signaling that he doesn’t want to be there as much as she does. They run into a friend of hers who is there with his wife and baby. She stops to say hi, hold the child, and ask questions. It is clear that she wants a child and is having a great time catching up with an old friend. David ignores the friends by looking away, clearly feeling that he would rather be somewhere else, and ends up walking away from Rafi to another place in the gallery. It is clear through their non-verbal interactions that David and Rafi are not connect in understanding what the other partner wants in life nor are the at the same place in their life to give each other those things.

§ Child or Dog?

Zone 2: What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when and how

David had disregarded Rafi’s request to not have other people at the apartment without telling her first, because she would like to come home to an empty apartment to unwind from a long day at work. He invited his friend Morris over. When she gets upset, David states that he feels like Rafi is trying to control him by not letting him have friends over, treating him like a child, etc. They are trying to make the other person understand their point of view by yelling, but not listening to what the other has to say. Rafi keeps her back to David when he is telling her that he feels that he’s her pet dog and not her boyfriend before storming out of the apartment.

End

§ Sleeping with Sue

Zone 2: How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g. hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive, talking guardedly or with reserve)

After Rafi and David broke up the first time, David went a club one night and ran into a model, Sue, he met at Rafi’s work. He ends up taking her home and sleeping with her. The next week, he runs into Rafi at a grocery store. Instead of trying to work out their relationship by talking, they end up falling back into bed together. David never tells Rafi that he slept with Sue when they were broken up. Instead, she has to find out from Sue at work.

§ What’s Best For You

Zone 6: What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else

In the final scenes, Rafi and David decide to put each other’s needs first. David is apolizing, and telling her how sorry he is for lying. At first, Rafi is closing him out using her non-verbal interactions, by closing her sweater when she sees him coming towards her, and then running away. But after they start talking, she loosens her hold on her sweater, letting it open a bit, signaling that she is more receptive to what he’s saying.

David wants to be everything that Rafi sees in him, by being there and giving her what she wants the most in life: a baby. He’s facing her, yet at a far enough distance not to make hr feel cornered or forced to listen to him. He is sincere and attentive in his body language and words. In return, she says no. She wants the same thing for David: everything. And by saying no to having a baby with him, she feels that she is giving him the world by letting him travel and explore where his art will take him with the responsibility of being a dad. Both are trying to give everything the other person wants. It’s just unfortunate that what they want for each other does not match.

Prime

Rafi and David meet through a friend and its love at first sight. Coming from such different worlds, they enjoy the adventures that their love takes them on. There’s only one thing—she’s a 37-year-old divorcee and he’ s a 23-year-old painter who lives with his grandparents. Things get problematical when Rafi’s therapist discovers that the 23-year-old that she is becoming serious with is her son. The movie takes you on the windy road that many couples travel.

Disjunctive Verbal Interactions

§ Nintendo

Background information:

Rafi has just bought David a Nintendo video game for his birthday.

Rafi: Are you coming to bed? (Her body is leaning against the wall, fully facing him, saying that she would really like to spend some time with her and have him be as attentive to her needs as he was before.

David: Ah, yeah right after this game… (He is fully facing the television screen and only glances back slightly when responding to her because he is more concerned with how he is doing in his video game character than seeing that she wants him to talk with her and make love to her.)

§ Space in the Apartment

Background information:

David has invited his friend Morris over to Rafi and his apartment to see the place. Rafi isn’t home, and had told him before hand that she did not like having people over the house after she comes home from work. She wants to have her space after a long day.

While David and Morris are hanging out at the apartment, Rafi comes home early, and David hides Morris in the closet.

David: Hey, what are you doing home already? (He is trying to make up small talk to figure out why she’s home early and keep her distracted from noticing that Morris is hiding in her closet. He is not concerned with how her day went, but with his own needs and problems)

Rafi: Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like me to leave? (She is confused and hurt as to why he is asking her why she’s home already. She feels unwanted in her own house by his apparent lack of happiness to see her when she arrived. Her facial expression is very stressed as she walks through the door, and becomes even more stressed when he makes that comment.)

§ Another conversation from this scene…

Background: Rafi has figured out that someone else was there and Morris has left.

David: We were only here for a minute. (David is trying to make excuses and make her feel like she is over-reacting so that he can avoid getting into trouble and feeling awkward about the situation. He is not concerned with how his lying and disregard for her wishes makes her feel.)

Rafi: Long enough to be here to have a beer with your pie-throwing sociopath friend? (She is trying to understand why he is lying her to show him that she is upset. She feels that he does not care about making her happy, but more about hanging out with a friend that she does not like or wish him to be around. She is trying to conjoin to him by understanding the thought-process of his actions to gain a deeper understanding of him).

David: Hey, wait. I told him not to come up here. (He is trying to make excuses and switching the blame from him to someone else, avoiding her question altogether. This gets her even more upset)

Rafi: What is wrong with you? You’re a godd**m preschooler, Dave. (She is upset with his behavior and trying to get her point across that his actions are of the dominance phase and not of one where they are at an affective or even cognitive level)

David: He you had me on lock down since the minute I get here. You treat me like an inmate. (He lashes out and asserts his dominance by turning the blame onto her, making her feel like the bad guy)

Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

§ Discovery

Background information: David just found out that he has to move out of his apartment and got fired from his job. He shared this with Rafi and she had him come over for the night to her place.

Rafi: Let’s do something it’s Friday night. (She is trying to connect with him physically and mentally by spending more time with him, and making it known to him that she does)

David: What do you want to do? (He is focusing on what she wants and not making it all about himself by asking what she would like to do. He is shifting the attention to her)

Rafi: I want to know what you did on a Friday night before you met me. (She is trying to get to know him: how is mind works, what he likes to do in his spare time, his interests, etc. by seeing what he used to do)

§ Supporting the Painter

Background information: Rafi and David head back to his place after a party because she wants to see where he lives. They sneak into his room where all his paintings are there facing the wall.

Rafi: We have to talk about this thing you have with your art. (She is trying to conjoin to him and show her support in what he loves, his art)

Rafi: Dave, you’re really good. This is what you should be doing. You got to keep painting. (She is encouraging him to do what he loves because she loves and cares abut him)

David: Yeah? Well, it’s not a life. (He is touched that she likes his art, but is scared. He has been told all his life that painting isn’t something that is good. He trusts Rafi enough to tell her of these insecurities).

Rafi: Says who? (Rafi is outraged that someone could make him feel this way about something he loves, and is trying to help him see past them to be able to do what he wants)

The Notebook

Allie is a free-spirited daughter from a rich family visiting for the summer. Noah Calhoun is the local, working boy. After an interesting first impression, the two fall madly in love after a whirlwind courtship. Their different backgrounds tear them apart when Allie’s parents believe that Noah isn’t good enough for her. Years after separation, they meet again. Their love and passion is rekindled, yet this time, a different thing standing in their way of being together—she’s engaged to someone else. Their beautiful tale of lost love is told with a special meaning from an older gentleman to his true love.

Disjunctive Verbal Communication

§ The Fight of the Summer

Background Information:

Allie and Noah had been having a romantic evening at an abandoned house, when a friend notifies them that Allie’s parents had called the cops. While Allie is arguing with her parents, Noah overhears her mother say that he is not good enough her for. He walks out and Allie chases after him.

Allie: What do you got to think about, huh? Come here. Talk to me. Talk to me. (She is trying to understand what he has to think about and why he’s leaving. She wants to be with him and hear what he has to say, and trying to be there for him.)

Noah: About what? You’re going away. You’re leaving and I’m staying here. (He can’t understand what there is to talk about. It is in black and white to him: she’s leaving and he’s staying. He doesn’t feel like he is good enough for her or can give her the things that she is used to having, and doesn’t see where the relationship can go.)

Allie: Don’t talk like that. (She is hurt about he saying that their relationship is going to end)

Noah: It’s true. (He is ignoring that his words are hurting her by stating that they are true, twisting the knife in her heart because he feels that by staying with her he will get more hurt and wants to avoid it.)

§ The Last Fight

Background Information:

Allie had cheated on her fiancée, Lon, with Noah. Her mother figured out where she was and wanted to warn her that Lon was in town. Allie has to decide whether she wants to stay with Noah or be with Lon.

Noah: This is not about keeping your promises. This is not about following your heart. It’s about security. (He is mad and hurt that she would pick someone else over him so he is lashing out in the only way that he can: by hurting her back with words)

Allie: What is that supposed to mean? (She is confused as to what he is trying to insinuate and wants clarity)

Noah: Money!! (He is picking to use something that is a very sticky subject for her and making her feel like she is a heartless person)

Allie: What are you talking about? (She is outraged that he would even say or think that of her and can’t believe that he would say that.)

Noah: He’s got a lot of money! (He’s twisting the knife a little more in her heart to make himself hurt less)

Allie: Now I hate you! (She is upset that the person she thought loved her would ever say something like that to her. Her trust in him has been broken)

Noah: Well, I hate you too. If you leave here I hate you! (He is trying to make her out to be the bad person and make her feel guilty as to what she is doing)

Allie: Have you been paying attention to anything that has been happening here? (She feels that everything they have shared this weekend hasn’t meant as much to him as it did to her. Her thoughts and feelings have not been seen clearly by him)

Conjunctive Verbal Communication

§ I Always Loved You

Background Information:

Noah and Allie spent a romantic evening on a lake that Noah took her because it was a special place to him after not seeing each other for seven years. Allie confronts him about why he never wrote her back after she went back to New York.

Allie: Why didn’t you write me? Why? It wasn’t over for me. I waited for you for seven years. (She wants to understand why he never kept his promise when she felt that there had been such a deep connection)

Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year. (He is confused as to what she is talking about because he had written to her and was still in love with her. He loved her so much that he wrote to her every day even when she did not write back)

Allie: You wrote me? (She can’t understand why she never got the letters and what the letters said)

Noah: It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over. (He is still in love with her and wants to be with her.)

§ Love Conquers All

Background Information:

Years later, Noah goes to his Allie’s room, who has Alzhiemer’s, for their anniversary, and lays next to her after she had had a bad day. And she realizes that the story he has been telling her all these days was their story.

Allie: I remember now. It was us. (she is overwhelmed with the memories that have flooded back to her mind after he had told her the story of their love. )

Noah: Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. I love you so much. (He is so happy that she is happy, and that she remembers who he is and their love. He wants to tell her as much as possible while she still remembers everything that they shared)

Allie: What happened to me? (She doesn’t remember why she can’t remember everything or what has been happening in her life because of the disease. She knows that he would tell her the truth.)

Noah: Nothing you just went away for a little while. (He has accepted unity into his life and knows that while their physical life together is coming to an end and may be hard right now, they will be together forever in eternity and is reassuring this fact to her.)

The Notebook in Comparison to Prime

In Prime, David and Rafi are hesitant about the relationship from the beginning. It was clear to me as I was looking for different “he-said-she-said” sequences that they were not in synergy. In was much easier for me to find disjunctive communication than it was for me to find conjunctive. There are a lot of obstacles that stand in their way of being together—age, religion, family, careers, and friends. They are living individual lives with separate activities, which pull them further and further way from conjoining. They never fully give themselves to the idea a unity model relationship.

Rafi does not believe in God. She isn’t willing to be a part of God or David’s faith. She talks badly about him behind his back and ultimately, chooses to reject his desire to give himself fully to her by giving her everything she wants by choice. He disregards her feelings of what she needs, ignores her to play video games, and breaks her trust by sleeping with someone else. Their speech and body language shows that they are not soulmates.

On the other hand, Allie and Noah in the Notebook are always aware of their love for each. They have just as many obstacles standing in their way, but their thoughts are always with the other person. Even when they fight, they are fight to be together and for reasons that are keeping them apart. They are conjoined by their love. As they get older, they experience the Unity phase. Allie suffers from Alzheimer’s. Noah is very attentive to Allie: reading to her the story of their romance, being there for her, and doing things because he knows that it is what she would want him to do. They are true soulmates. Their love is so unity that it can overcome a disease that takes away your memories. This is what the Unity phase is truly about: being together in eternity.

Conclusions

Both these movies have different effects on young people. Young boys and girls might watch Prime, and feel that love can be great, but will not last forever. Girls will watch as Rafi knowingly understands that the relationship cannot go anymore because he cannot give her what she wants, but stays with him anyways because she loves him. They see her being mistreated emotionally by David and her taking him back every time, and feel that this abuse is acceptable. I feel that this movie that teaches every value that goes against the Unity Model of Marriage. It reinforces that shacking up, falling into bed with someone, and walking away from your partner after a fight is the social norm.

On the other hand, The Notebook as a refreshing take on love and marriage that I feel has a positive effect on our youth. This movie makes it possible for young girls and boys to see what a Unity phase marriage looks like. We watch Allie and Noah fight and be torn apart, but they never stop loving each other. Noah is the model unity-husband. We watch him dote on him, revolve his world around her when she has Alzheimer’s. He never gives up on her no matter what her doctors say. Their love was able to overcome so much.

Their love story is one that all of us can relate to: a boy and girl fall madly in love, but are torn apart because their families do not want them to be together. Having the storyline relatable allows the viewers to be able to think about it in terms of their own lives. By watching them struggle and then succeed gives us hope a love this deeply can exist in our own lives.

I have read the book that the movie was based on by Nicholas Sparks. I have always been a romantic person at heart and believe in the positive bias. I believe that the unity model is possible for I have seen it first hand in my paternal grandparents, Susan and Ed. My grandmother had lung cancer and could not take care of herself, just as Allie had in the movie. Yet, everyday Ed would drive to her home, bringing her homemade soup and sitting by her bedside telling her stories about their children and grandchildren because he knows that is what made her happy. He never left her side. Even when he was hungry or she was sleeping, he would sit in a chair by her bed and watch her sleep. He told me that she didn’t want her to wake up alone and become scared.

Watching them being there for each other, and seeing Ed’s greater understanding of what my grandmother needed intuitively made me understand that a loving marriage similar to Allie and Noah’s is not just a fairytale, but one of the real world.

________________________________________________________________________

Section B: Finding of a Prior Generation

The Anti-Unity Values (AUVs)

Here is the list of the Anit-Unity Values as described by Dr. Leon James on the class lecture notes. Women are always trying to conjoin to their husband or partner. It is a part of their nature and in their biology. Therefore, these values describe the behaviors and habits that men practice as a way of maintaining their independence from women.

This table is from: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

1. Living together unmarried

2. Having children out of wedlock

3. Making each other jealous on purpose

4. Adultery for various reasons

5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6. Sexy dressing for men other than one’s partner

7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one’s partner (or other reason)

11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12. Manipulating partner through deception

13. Accepting the idea that it’s ok to “agree to disagree” about some things

14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as a part of their gender

19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g. serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to “grovel” when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being “unreasonable”, etc.)

Methods of Prior Generations

The methods that the students in the prior generation used were looking at different television shows and identifying times where the couple displayed either disjunctive or conjunctive verbal and physical interactions. They would write the text, and then describe the undertones of that their speech was indicating.

They also picked a few of the anti-unity values listed above and compared it with their own lives. This was probably the best method in my opinion, because they were able to apply to situations that they go through on a daily basis and can see how much the male dominance and media affects the behaviors and interactions they have with either romantic partners or just in general.

Prior Generation Findings

1. Christina Afonin

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-report1.htm

Afonin’s report examines disjunctive and conjunctive behavior that is seen in television. She argues that media Americans have been shown so much disjunctive behavior in television shows, that to us, this type of romantic relationships seems normal.

She analyzes the television series Friends. She examines an episode in which Rachel and Ross are having a baby together that displays a great deal of AUVs. They are committing two Anti-unity values before the episode even begins—one, living together unmarried and two, having children together out-of-wedlock—but many others when communicating and interacting.

The media drives the American cultural. It tells the youth what is stylish, what behaviors are acceptable, and what role a man and woman plays in a marriage. Afonin believes that it’s these television shows that promote disjunctive speech and behavior through the characters. I completely agree with Afonin’s point. Kids look up to characters like Rachel and Ross from Friends. They mimic their manners in different relationship situations and are told what kinds of relationships are acceptable. Girls are taught at a young age that they must accept the male dominance model.

2. Tiffany Akiyama

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm

Akiyama considers the constant television-watching children partake in creates the acceptance of anti-unity values. By watching so much television, the children are constantly being shown values that are in the male dominance and equity phase. Little girls and boys are being taught that it is ok for males not only to speak, but also act disrespectfully towards females.

In Akiyama’s opinion, the affects of television on children can be seen in the form of the unsexy ways that husbands speak to their wives. A husband’s speech shows a great deal of how he feels about his wife, how comfortable he is around her, and how much respect he has for her. Akiyama listed four things that a sexy conjugial conservational style has:

1. The husband being reactive and friendly to his wife’s conversations

2. He does not disagree with what she has to say which will help to create a positive conversational atmosphere

3. The husband’s conversational style tells his wife that it is okay to talk, because he will listen

4. A sex conversational style helps to enhance her mood

She believes that with these four things, a husband can move much closer to unity with his wife. A man must move further away from his independent way of thinking and acting that he has learned by watching characters in television shows do the same, and more towards his dependent self conjoining with his wife on every level.

3. Crystal Bulda

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm

The main point that Bulda fixates on in her report 1 is the man’s desire to not conjoin fully to the woman by maintaining his independence through various behaviors. Bulda states that men are constantly fighting to keep their space and freedom, moving further and further away from having a spiritual relationship with his wife.

Women are constantly trying to conjoin with men, even starting at a very young age. They are always working hard to find out what scene of humor their partner has to better understand his jokes, cook the foods that he enjoys, and take up activities that he enjoys to spend more time with him.

Yet, this biological need that women have to want to conjoin to a man has become a negative thing in the light of the media. The media has turned it towards the male dominance phase, telling women that they must conform to a man’s ideal image of a good wife. Bulda believes that this is why many young girls today are pretending to be more of an adult than they really are by wearing make-up, revealing clothing, and acting sexy to boys.

Woman are taught that they are the “underdogs” in the world, as Bulda put it. They really do not have a chance to see what a unity model marriage is in the environment that we live in today. The constant portrayal of the dominance and unity phase being the only phases of marriage do not make Bulda hopeful for a world filled with unity marriages.

4. Christine Gora

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm

One of the main points in Gora’s report 1 on the AUVs on the Unity Model of Marriage is having a child out of wedlock. She makes the point that men are selfish by nature. They are the independent and dominant one of the relationship, demanding all their needs and desire to come before anyone else’s, especially that of their girlfriend’s or wife’s. Societal norms allow them to do as they please and there are no repercussions no matter what they do. When a woman has a baby, her attention shifts from her boyfriend to their new baby. He becomes jealous. Since he is the dominant one, he is allowed to show his resentment of the baby by taking it out on his girlfriend using physical strength and mental abuse to force her attention back to him.

This attitude that men can come and go whenever they want is what sanctions male dominance and anti-unity values. What Gora believes to be the answer to this attitude is that husbands and boyfriends need to conjoin to their partners, understanding the partners’ thoughts on a deeper level and sharing their feelings of abandonment with them instead of beating them to a pulp.

Yet, Gora does not feel that physical abuse is the biggest AUV that the media pushes upon young girls and boys. To her, sex is what is capturing the attention of the young audience. Sexual behavior is plastered all over the media today and there are no boundaries in the television shows. Luckily for her, her mother brought faith into her life, educating her on the consequences that will occur when you have sex without being married. To me, she is a very lucky person. There are not very many parents who show their children religion today, much less teach their children moral values in maintaining their virginity for someone they love. It’s refreshing to her report and the faith and wisdom that has been passed on from one generation to another.

5. Katie Ide

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm

There was one AUV that Ide concentrates on in her discussion of the Unity Model of Marriage: Rule number 7, which is “having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things.” We more commonly know this rule as “chicks before dicks” and “bros before hoes” in our society today.

Ide reflects upon her own relationship, realizing that she too is guilty of committing anti-unity values, but feels that going out with her girlfriends might not necessarily be an AUV because of the intentions behind her actions. She goes out with the purpose to be a part of a social gathering. She does not go out to flirt with other boys or to do something that she would not do if her boyfriend were there. She also makes the point that at this age, it is smarter to put your friend first, because if you and your boyfriend break up, she’ll feel disrespected and you’ll be left with no one.

Ide brings up a dilemma that is very common in our society. Often, we do not consider some of our behavior as an anti-unity value because of the messages that the media. Kids mature at a faster rate because the media forces them to grow up faster. Barbie—as in the doll-now wears more makeup, scandalous outfits, and has left Ken for another man. Ide makes the point that it is hard for children to maintain their youth and wholesome morals when we have anti-unity values plastered all over the internet.

6. Laura C. Moa

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm

One point in Moa’s report that stuck out at me was her discussion of fidelity, not only physicall but mentally as well. She reveals that mental intimacy is the placing of your partner above all else, and remaining exclusively intimate through the establishing it through words and friendship before physically. The husband has to be her best friend first before she can give her self fully. This caught my eye because no one had written about it other reports.

Moa’s belief that the media has made male dominance into the acceptable social norm is evident her report 1. She feels that the media—television and music lyrics—are a constant “source of denigration to women.” She gives the example of how rappers, like Eminem and Tupac, use extremely disjunctive language in towards women in their lyrics. They make name-calling, putdowns, and the male dominance model not only tolerable, but normal as well.

In her paper, she shows her obvious admiration for the writings of the previous generation that showed her how embedded AUVs are in our culture today, so much so that we don’t even recognize it as we watch movies. The constant exposure to negative ideals of women has a harmful effect on our youth. Moa relays her concern of how the relationships displayed in the media will affect children. This is a valid concern. Children need guidance and look to their peers, parents, and environment as to how they are to react to be accepted in our society.

7. Angela Murray

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report1.htm

In a time where people are able to get married in a chapel in Las Vegas then walk next door and have it annulled in a matter of hours, I have realized that the rules of marriage and love has changed. It is no longer “Until Death Do Us Part,” but “Until I Get Bored of You.” It seems like our society will never get to “Until Endless Eternity” if we cannot even stay give each other till death.

This is the main concept that Murray points out in her discussion about AUVs and its effects on children. Our society has started a trend of a lack of commitment in our romantic relationships. She feels that a lot of the values are due to or demonstrate a fear of commitment to both the relationship and the partner. This can be seen in both living together unmarried as well as having a child out of wedlock. A couple has not made the effort to conjoin fully by not fully committing. Yet, this is not these two things are not the only way that a man can demonstrate his fear of eternity with one person.

Murray gives a personal example of her ex-boyfriend Dan choosing a heterosexual friend over her. He would spend more time with his friend alone, taking her to weekly massages, driving her to work, and other things that made Murray uneasy. When approached with her feelings, Dan told her that he was unwilling to change his ways and put her first. She eventually broke up with him because he wasn’t willing to make the commitment to her by changing habits that she did not like.

This unwillingness for a man to change is due to the media in Murray’s opinion. She feels that the reason her sister accepts abuse from her husband every day is because she was taught that it was acceptable through movies and song lyrics. By accepting the abuse, her sister is telling her daughters that this maltreatment is acceptable, thus creating a cycle of the male dominance phase.

Thoughts on Prior Generations

There were many points that where brought up by the previous generation that I had not thought of in that particular light. I was fascinated with the personal stories that both Murray and Ide disclosed. Their examples gave great insight on how to apply the concepts of the different phases of marriage—Dominance, Equity, and Unity—as well as a deeper understanding of how common the AUVs really are.

As a true fan and lover of the television show Friends, it came as a shock to me to think that this show was promoting anti-unity values that could be found in the dominance and equity phase. I own all ten seasons and watch them almost religiously. My favorite character is Rachel, whom I often looked up to for behavioral and fashion cues. When Afonin gave the examples of the how Ross implied that Rachel was guilty of displaying the frivolous behavior and thoughts of a gender that is less than male, I could see how embedded these values are in our society. We do laugh at jokes that putdown women and situations that make them feel less worthy than a their counterparts and find it funny. The idea that something I do everyday continuing the negative image of women and their role in a relationship is frightening and disturbing.

Like many of the other students from the prior generation, the readings both from the reports and the class lectures made me re-examine past relationships as well as the relationships that surround me. I am not so naïve as to believe that the media—advertisements, television shows, movies, and music—do not have an impact on my life or my thought process. We as women are constantly told that to be happily married we must be skinny, ready to please our men, a wonderful cook, and a great mother-figure. There is no room for slight alterations from this ideal, nor are they accepted.

My Environment and Experiences

Their writings made me think about where the relationships in my environment are in the Unity Model of Marriage. I had always used my own personal romantic relationships in comparison to the Ennead chart and AUVs, but never looked at what my partners. It made me see how my parents have progressed and digressed throughout their marriage. I could see how my father’s constant mental abuse and my mother’s lack of standing up for herself affect how I look at relationships. What was even more interesting to me was the order in which their relationship went on the Ennead chart. They started at the Dominance, went very far into the Equity phase to a point where they almost were in Unity, then went back to the Dominance phase. It saddens me that my father wasn’t man enough to see that by giving in to being dependent on my mother, he would become a man that I would admire.

Effects of the Media on Our Youth

The one major point that I feel they made was how the media affects children and their line of thought when it comes to relationships. Kids are like sponges. They soak up whatever information they see on television, billboards, and through the interactions and home and other everyday environments. They watch shows and listen to music about the acceptance of physical and mental abuse men impose on women, and are led to believe that it’s okay to demean women in these ways. They watch girls not even five years older then them shake their butts in a teeny tiny bikini bottom for money, and believe that it’s ok because they are doing it. They watch people falling into bed with each other after the first date—like on Sex and the City and Friends—and feel that this is the normal thing to do.

Children today are growing up much faster than they should be. Our youth is something to be treasured, and I feel that our society has forgotten that. We are so set in the fast-pace lifestyle, that we have not stopped to notice that our children are having an even faster lifestyle; A lifestyle that we might one day realize and regret, because they lost their innocence before they even had a chance to enjoy it. Adulthood is not as spectacular as what we all image when we were growing up, dreaming about driving beautiful, fast cars and having credit cards to buy whatever we want whenever we want. We didn’t know that all came attached with bills. To me, childhood is what is spectacular. It is the one time in our life where we are truly free, and it should be enjoyed and savored to the fullest.

Additional Sources of Information

Much of what I learned in from the prior generations is how we are affected by what the media tells us through the shows, movies, and song lyrics. One thing that was not mentioned as to affecting a romantic relationship was the roundabout way that the media does: watching television. I had read this book recommend to me by a collegue as a reference for communicating not only with your partners, but also with people in general. The book goes over different problems that couples encounter when communicating and how to solve them. In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the author and psychologist John M. Gottman talks about how the media can aid in distancing a couple by taking the place of them communicating with each other.

This is a very good argument of how the media affects our relationships and us. It is often times that we hear women complaining about how their husbands would rather watch the big game than listen to how their day went. If we simply remove the television, think of how our lives and relationships would change. Children would not be shown disjunctive relationships nor will the television take the place of conversation. The focus would return back to the couple, allowing them to grow together instead of apart.

Section C: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

This information can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

Disjunctive Verbal Interactions Between a Couple

Disjunctive verbal interaction is where the dialogue that takes place between a couple leads further away from the Unity Model of Marriage. Men produce disjunctive interaction with his partner in a marriage. He wants to maintain his independence and the power that is given to him by society. To do this, we apply the AUVs in his language, tone, and delivery of the message to his wife.

When a husband is being disjunctive, he is choosing the topics of what they are discussing. He changes the subject when she is talking about something that he doesn’t care about, finds boring, doesn’t care about, or wants to avoid. He is doesn’t want to listen to what his wife is saying, and choosing to ignore her and behaving in such a way of making it known that he would rather be doing something else. The husband will switch the blame to the woman in an argument, making her feel guilty and not safe to share her true feelings. He overpowers her by raising his voice to scare her and force her to drop the subject or agree with what he believes.

A husband has to learn to be sexy when speaking to his wife. If he is speaking sexily, his thoughts are sexy. When he speaks sexily to his wife, she is more comfortable and more willing to be a part of her husband fully. If he continues to speak in this manner to his wife, he will never have the chance to spend a life in eternity with her.

Conjunctive Verbal Interactions Between a Couple

For a couple to have conjunctive verbal interactions, a man must understand that his wife is the person that he is going to spend eternity with. He gets to be with her forever endlessly. They are connected both bodily and spiritually. She becomes his lungs and without her, he cannot breath. His heart cannot beat. She is everything that he is not in the sense that she knows everything that will conjoin them together. She is his soulmate—the love that only comes once in a lifetime.

Once he understands that, he can communicate with her in a sexy way. He listens to her and understands what she is thinking without her having to say a word. He has to keep the intimacy alive and hot when speaking with her. He needs to sacrifice his own desires and interests of what he wants to talk about to talk about what she wants. His focus must switch from him to her in order to conjoin mentally. She needs to feel like he wants to listen to what she has to say and that it means so much to him that she is sharing her feelings and opinions with him. In order for it to be conjunctive communication, he needs to understand what her communicative style is to make her feel safer and more comfortable when speaking with him.

It is the man’s job to be her best friend and her lover. If she feels degraded or less important than him when sharing her innermost thoughts, he will ruin their chances of being together in eternity. A man must listen and always have her in his mind to truly share conjugial love. It is then and only then will they experience the highest model of marriage: unity.

How It Applies to my Environment

I agree with the definitions of conjunctive and disjunctive verbal interactions. Conjunctive verbal interaction is where each partner is actively listening to what the other is say or not saying. In disjunctive verbal interaction, one partner is being attacked or ignored emotional, and their feelings are being put on the backburner. When I am trying to explain to someone I’m dating that their behavior is making me feel a certain way, and then get attacked, I do not feel safe. There is an emotional void that is created between us because I feel that I cannot be comfortable in conjoining with him fully. A certain amount of trust in him has been broken. It is now undesirable for me to want to share my true feelings in an unsafe environment, making me less likely to want to be physically intimate with him.

Yet, at the same time when I do the same thing and he listens attentively, trying to understand how I’m feeling, it is easier for me to want to be intimate with him. I will admit, I am not very good at communicating with boyfriends. I tend to use a lot of in direct communication skills. When having to apply disjunctive and conjunctive verbal interactions to my own romantic relationships, I was able to see where each of my boyfriends were at certain parts of our relationships. Much of the disjunctive “he-said-she-said” sequences showed me what guys are really thinking when they say things. It made me feel better to know that in certain situations that I have experienced in my relationships are not necessarily because I did something wrong, but because he was not ready to conjoin with me.

An example of this would be between my ex-boyfriend Chris and I. We were making plans to go back to California to visit my family. I had asked him to make the plane reservations for us months in advance and he said he would take care of it. When I asked him a month before we were to go on the trip if he had bought the tickets and he said he had not. When I questioned him as to why, he told me that I had given him too much to handle and not taken into consideration all the other things that he had on his plate, and that I should be more understanding. I had felt really guilty and just made the plane ticket reservation myself instead.

Gender and Discourse Application

Snippets are at: Gender and Discourse by Deborah Tannen (Oxford University Pres, 1994)

§ Disjunctive Verbal Interactions

Snippet from page 37

“Why do you turn on me? What did I do?”

Silence.

“What did I do?”

Relation to definition:

In this snippet, the woman is trying to find out why her husband has betrayed her, but she is met with silence. He is not trying to make her feel at easy or speaking to her in a sexy manner. He is not speaking to her at all, making her feel abandoned and confused as to what she did wrong. He is causing her stress when he should be the one trying to ease her worries.

§ Conjunctive Verbal Interactions

Snippet from page 97

Todd: Well of course I did. But I mean I don’t know. I guess we’re growing up. I mean—I don’t know. I guess I live in the past or something. I really enjoyed those times when we used to stay up all night long and just you know spend the nights over someone else’s house just to talk all night.

Richard: mhm.

Relation to definition:

Todd is trying to explain to his friend Richard that he misses the friendship and closeness that they used to have when they were younger. Richard is listening actively, trying to understand where Todd is coming from and reinforcing it using overlap, which is a positive interruption. It is an interruption that is used to encourage the speaker to continue by showing that you are listening.

Section D: Conclusion and Advice to Future Generations

Benefits

I have learned so much about the dominance-equity-unity model of marriage so far. I have learned about why men and women communicate and think in different ways, different communication styles, and the different phases of marriage. This new knowledge I have gained from this class of romantic relationships and interactions benefits how I will look and act in my future relationships. It gave me a stronger understanding as to why my past relationships are my past relationships. I was able to understand why I behave somewhat submissive when I first start dating someone, and why it becomes tiresome.

To be completely honest, I had a very difficult time accepting many of the ideas that were proposed to me in this class. One that I cannot seem to understand is how the children become second in your life behind your husband. I do not feel that a wife should ignore her husband, but I do feel that your priorities and life shifts when you have a child.

Another idea that I didn’t understand at first was the idea of a man agreeing with everything that I said. I never rejected the idea, but wondered if it was possible in a society that was drifting more away from behavior that is now considered “Southern Hospitality.” It wasn’t until recently that a man always agreeing with you didn’t mean that a man no longer had an opinion, but that he opened himself to her world and giving himself fully to making her happy in the same way a woman gives herself fully to a man that she loves.

I do believe in Heaven, and I can see how a person can have eternity with their husband or wife. I believe that I will see many of my family members in Heaven one day, will see my husband—whoever he turns out to be—there as well.

I truly feel the best way to apply these ideas in the course is to your own life. When you are able to apply them to your own personal experiences and the environment around you, you are able to see that these concepts actually do exist and that they aren’t as crazy as you first think. Role playing was the best vehicle of understand the material because you see how ridiculous the Dominance and Equity phase really is.

Advice

My biggest advice is DO NOT procrastinate on the paper! Make sure to read over the material and ask Dr. James questions if you do not understand certain concepts from the lecture readings. I recommend when you are starting your paper make a rough outline of what you need to include in the report. The instructions are clumped together in what needs to be written about. With its large size, you can sometimes miss something that needs to be included in the paper. What I did was make a rough outline with bullet points of each of the things that I needed to include. As I was writing my paper, after I would finish writing a certain section of the paper, I would check off each subsection and then section on my outline to indicate what I had already finished. This helped me see what I had already accomplished and what I needed to do next.

While the paper takes a lot of time and effort, it is worth it because you gain a deeper understanding of what is being taught about in class. You can take it and mold to how you can relate to it. It makes you look at the world in a completely different view.