Intimacy in
Marriage
This is Report 6
Authors:
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor,
Section 1 - Lecture
Lecture 13 – Dynamic Elements of the Ennead Chart
|
PHASE
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone 7 |
zone 8 cognitive
|
zone 9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone 4 |
zone 5 |
zone 6 |
|
MALE
DOMINANCE |
zone 1 |
zone 2 |
zone 3 |
In this lecture, the different sections of the ennead chart are explained more clearly as to how it can be used to identify specific emotions, moods, thoughts, and acts.
This chart shows where certain actions, thoughts, and emotions fall on the ennead chart. This makes it easier to determine where an individual falls on the chart when he or she does or does not do something. Another way to look at it is like this:
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7b |
<------8b CU |
<------ 9b |
|
EQUITY |
4b |
<------ 5b |
<------ 6b |
|
MALE DOMINANCE |
1b |
<------ 2b |
<------ 3b |
The numbers marked with the letter “a” show a process in which the husband is growing from one zone to the next. The numbers marked with the letter “b” show that the husband has reached a higher level and is able to move between the levels which he has already achieved. For that reason, the direction of the numbers marked with the letter “b” show a deeper maturity than the direction of the numbers marked with the letter “a”.
If a husband is stuck in zones 1, 2, and 3, or the male dominance zone, he will have to define his interactions with his wife so that they are in line with zone 4, or the sensorimotor equity phase, in order to move forward. Because male dominance is more of a traditional idea, a husband might make the jump from zone 3 to zone 4 because of adopting some modern ideas of marriage. The jump from zone 6, or the affective equity zone, to zone 7, the sensorimotor unity zone, comes when the husband becomes spiritually and rationally enlightened.
The “best sex ever” can occur when a husband is in zone 7b. 7b is in the sensorimotor unity zone. Because it’s marked with the letter “b” this indicates that the husband must have developed zones 8 and 9 and is going back to zone 7. Sexual intimacy, please, and progressive enhancement is the result of its origin from affective intimacy. Because of this, sexual intimacy in zones 1a, 4a, and 7a, are less intimate as zones 1b, 4b, and 7b.
I believe this to be true as far as sexual intimacy goes. If a man and women aren’t connected on any other level except for a physical one, there sexual intimacy is shallow. There is a lot more depth and maturity to sex when a couple is connected on not only a physical level, but a mental and emotional level as well. It makes sense that the zones marked with “b” are more intimate than the zones marked with “a”.
Section 2 –
Yogi covered the
Lecture Notes sections 11 and 19 for the readings oral presentation. Section 11 covers the Spiritual Dimension
to the Unity Model and Section19 covers Examples of Anti-Unity Values. O’Connell covered a report from Generation 23
by Susan Ventrucci.
In this report she covers a few topics, but our discussion was focused
on the views of books by Joshua Coleman, Laura Schlessinger,
and Deborah Tannen, and how they compare to lecture
notes by Dr. James.
Yogi summarized for
us the Swedenborg reports, and his findings while living a dual life both in
the Physical and Spiritual worlds: the worlds in which we exist in mind and
body. He gives us the great news of increased
happiness in the Heavenly realms, and the conjoint couples he spoke to. There is also hope for those who fail to find
their soul mate in this life. Some couples Swedenborg spoke to were united in
Heaven, after death. He sees what he
refers to as ‘angel couples’ which is how couples appear as their conjoint
self. He also reports on the
hellish realms we may fall into if we do not let go of all hellish
thoughts. We must choose to keep all
heavenly thoughts, and lose all hellish thoughts. Yogi also talked about the male and female
roles and the ways in which males and females express themselves. A big topic to understand is the difference
between anger and zeal. These two
emotions can appear the same on the surface, zeal can often be confused for
anger. In reality, Zeal is a woman’s
passion for affective intimacy and the conjugial
relationship she so desires with her husband.
A man often reacts to zeal with anger in the male dominance and equity
stages. In the unity stage the male wants to understand and have a positive
reaction to the zeal of his wife.
I think whether in a
relationship or not, we all struggle with hellish traits in this life, I hope
to not have to struggle with them in the afterlife. I also find it comforting
to know it is possible to find a soul mate in the afterlife if we are not
blessed enough to find one here on earth.
In
Natural Marriage, women’s external Affective organ is conjoined to the man’s
external Cognitive organ, which means woman’s love is connected to
men’s wisdom. In Spiritual Marriage, his internal Cognitive organ is conjoined
to her internal Affective organ; his love is connected to her wisdom.
Section 19 of our
lecture notes consists of a list of Anti-Unity Values. Yogi agreed with the majority of these, but
questioned a couple. This led to a class discussion on the list and why or why
not the values agreed with the Unity model.
She believed a couple could still find unity, even if they were living
together or having children together while not married. I feel that marriage is a symbol of your
commitment to your spouse. If you are unwilling
to commit yourself to someone, you will probably be unwilling to become
completely united with them on the cognitive and affective levels. However, I do believe each couple has to do
what is right for them, and we are all different in what makes us happy. I think this list makes a lot of sense, and
whether or not you are striving for unity, these are good rules to follow to
have a happy relationship.
A popular topic of
discussion this semester has been number 13 “Accepting the idea that
it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things.” This is still something
that I also struggle within the Unity Model.
I understand the concept of complete unity in order to be the conjoint
self, but I find it hard to believe a couple can truly agree on every single
aspect of life. We all have opinions,
and I find it unfair to expect the male to always give up his in order to
please his wife. Disagreements, when
approached calmly and openly, can make for great discussions and learning
experiences. It’s how we enrich our
lives by seeing things through another’s eyes.
I just don’t see how this can be a bad thing all the time.
The spirit of the recently departed will
live on with the remaining spouse, living on with the other in heart “they have
never really
gone.” And once the other’s body physically dies on earth
and is resuscitated, they will be conjoined once again to their spouse. They
will continue to have their spiritual marriage now in heaven, being together
until eternity because they reached Unity.
If one is not
conjoined in the Unity model of marriage with their soul mate, then one will be
provided for them when they reach heaven. Soul mates are born for one another,
they are groomed and prepared for their marriage with their spouse, and if they
are not able to meet in life, they will be placed together in the afterlife.
This is dedicated and possible by Devine providence; their similarities are
what conjoins them together.
The remaining spouse
may choose to remarry, however, this marriage will not
be in conjugial love, because he has already
discovered that with his previous wife, one can not have more than one soul mate.
If he chooses to remarry, this relationship will now be considered an external
relationship. It will be an External union being the case if young children are
involved in the family, a new parent might be issued to ensue proper care and
nurture to the children. This relationship will not reach conjugial
love, their love is simply a natural marriage, not a
spiritual marriage.
My Opinion
I feel that these represented findings of conjugial couples are consistent of what I learned and how I felt the Unity model of marriage should be. I find it appealing to know that if I were in a conjugial relationship with my spouse and he passed away, our union would still be conjoined through our spiritual marriage. If I adopted Unity with my spouse I could see it possible for me not to remarry, and for him not to remarry either- since we are soul mates and no one else can replace our bond that we had formed in life. It is often hard to find the “one” in life since many of us are working and going to school, sometimes there is no time to be searching for your soul mate. And if this is so, it is appealing to hear that a person has been created just for you, to enjoy and surround in perfect harmony.
Generation
23 – My
Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage by Susan
Ventrucci
The Generation Curriculum discussed in class was Susan Ventrucci’s Report 2. Her answer for one of the questions was discussed in class. The questions and answer is as follows:
Question:
Contrast the four views of gender relationships expressed by
Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger
in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy
Husband, and James in The Unity Model of Marriage.
Answer:
Susan points out that Tannen views the differences in the communication of genders not caused by biological difference but by society and situational factors. Tannen believes that women and men communicate a certain way because of how society expects them to communicate. Different genders in different societies communicate differently. If communication was only based on gender, all women in all societies would communicate the same way.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the other hand, bases her ideas mainly on the biological differences between males and females. She believes that all males are dominant and all females were created to be submissive. Males should be the conquers and females should be the nurturers. She does believe that men and women care about each other but they express those feelings differently because of their biological disposition.
In the book the Lazy Husband, Dr. Coleman has a similar view to Dr. Laura as far as both of them thinking that men are at an advantage over women. Susan points out however, that he doesn’t believe that men have an advantage because of their biology but because society has placed women in such a submissive role for so long. He believes that men and women are equal but we operate in different ways. He believes that roles in gender relationships are roles that society shows us how to play.
Dr. James’ Unity Model of Marriage talks about men and women being reciprocals. He points out that women and men are attracted to the others reciprocal difference. Dr. James’ model doesn’t show men or women being in “control” of one another, but on the unity level, the man chooses to always agree with his wife.
|
|
Author believes
gender |
Author believes
gender |
Author believes one
partner |
|
|
relationships are
based partly |
relationships are
based partly |
exerts dominance
over the |
|
|
or all on biology |
or all on society |
other in some form |
|
Tannen |
|
|
|
|
"Gender
Discourse" |
NO |
YES |
NO |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Laura |
|
|
|
|
"The Proper
Care |
|
|
|
|
and Feeding of |
YES |
YES |
YES |
|
Husbands" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Coleman |
|
|
|
|
"The Lazy
Husband" |
NO |
YES |
YES |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. James |
|
|
|
|
"The Unity
Model |
YES |
YES |
NO |
As you can tell from
the table above, these authors only agree on one aspect unanimously, and that
is the fact that our roles in relationships are at least partially due to the
society in which we live. O’Connell
believes while Schlessinger, Coleman and James are
focused on relationships, Tannen is harder to
understand and based more on linguistics.
However, Tannen does stress the importance of
communication, and how your society shapes your characteristics.
Through out this
semester it has been interesting to read these different books and look at
relationships through the eyes of these authors. There are aspects within all of these books
that I both agree and disagree with. I
don’t think it is possible for one person’s opinion to be completely
right. I think it is a good idea to read
about and look at things from a variety of perspectives, and then find the
right combination of those perspectives that works for you in your own
relationship. I think especially with
Dr. James’ notes, it is important to approach new ideas with an open mind and a
positive bias. If you are unwilling to
do this, you could miss out on something truly amazing.
I think that when it comes to the nature verse nurture argument there has to be a little bit of both. Communication and characteristics can’t be solely based on biology or society. I think that the Unity Model is based on biology, society, and will power to make a choice. The unity model points out that we have to choose to communicate and live the life we do. If the man wants to reach unity, he has to choose to agree with his wife and treat her like a woman and not an object. The women also has to choose how she can go about getting her husband to want to follow the unity model so that he can start to see what he has to change in order for there to be conjunction.
Section 3: Team Presentations on Exercises
(a) Summarize the
main ideas presented by the team.
The main concept of the group’s presentation was “Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions.” Under this concept, the four rules of conjugial conversation were described. I presented the first two rules of conjugial conversation and Xuying presented the last two rules. The first rule is to be “reactive and friendly whenever his wife is talking to him.” This is something that most men do when they are first dating their woman because that is the stage they are trying to impress her the most but it slowly begins to stop as the relationship continues. This is why he must continue to want to do it for himself. He stops in the beginning in part due to the male dominance phase. Males want to retain their independence and do things the way “he” wants to do it. So, being reactive and friendly to her may not be on his to do list because sometimes he doesn’t want to listen to her and may want things only his way. He later, through his commitment to the unity model, will try his best and convince himself that this rule is the right thing to follow for the relationship to strive towards unity. The second rule is to “deny himself the right to express disagreement with her.” This principle is to deny himself from saying “no” to her. When a man says “no,” this causes disagreement and this is disjunctive behavior and is also unsexy for her. This is another habit that occurs a lot in the male dominance phase because the male doesn’t want to do things her way he wants it his. I also talked about how their shows the lopsided male dominance model because he expects her to never say “no” to him but, it’s should be ok for him to be able to say “no” to her when he wants to. This will continue to change as they move upwards in the levels of the unity model once his commitment is strong and true towards unity. The third rule is “create a conversational atmosphere in which his wife feels unoppressed, free, and safe because he shows that he cherishes everything about her.” He should always try and let her speak her mind to however she pleases. She may jump from topic to topic and this may begin to anger her but she should be able to do so freely and with his acceptance. He needs to liberate his own thoughts and desires of becoming angry at her and support and converse with her freely, no matter how the topics may continually change. The fourth and final rule is “to use the conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in heart and stimulated in mind.” The woman is the one who conjoins herself to “his wisdom and rationality and intelligence” because she loves how he thinks. He should also do that for her. Unlike in the male dominance model, the focus of the male should not be on himself; rather the focus should be on her and how to please her once there is a commitment to unity.
(b) Describe what
they did and how they interpreted it.
Both presenters related this particular section to their own personal lives. I related it to my personal relationship and I discussed how I have noticed that as a male, I may not have followed the rules in the beginning of my relationship, but as we continue to move further and with me in this class, my ideas are changing. Xing also chose to use her personal relationship with her boyfriend to discuss the last two rules. She gave examples about how her boyfriend shows his male dominance perspective when she is talking and how true to their lives these rules seem to be/not be. This was really eye opening for us both and it shed a lot of light on what the male should be doing to make a relationship work.
(c) Describe some
of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
For the most part, I think that both Xuying and I really did a great job considering there were supposed to be three people in the group and only the two of us presented. I feel that more time could have been spent going through the theories as they relate more to the unity model and Swedenborg’s ideas rather than a lot of examples and ideas about our personal lives. This would have definitely been more helpful to truly get the ideas about the four rules across to our classmates. Moreover, if they had greater amplification here, the class would truly be able to relate and understand the material through the unity perspective. For most of the G27 students, they feel that they are somewhere between the male dominance and equity phases, so if more time was spent on these four rules, the class could figure out exactly what needs to be done in their relationship if they are striving towards unity and maybe how they can achieve it.
(d) What was the
success of the approach they used?
In my perspective, our success was talking about our personal lives and having an understanding of the four conjugial rules of conversation. Since both of us were successfully able to relate the four rules to our own relationships, the audience members were able to connect and relate our examples to their own lives. I think that the way I shared my struggles as a male and how Xuying shared the struggles that her and her boyfriend go through, it was good for the women in the class to connect it to their own boyfriends and his mannerisms. It was a very successful approach.
(e) What
improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
I think that the instructions are clear for everyone read. This section really goes into great detail about what can be done on the male’s part for a couple’s continued effort towards unity. Maybe it would be more helpful to more examples and explanations that came directly from the lecture notes with each particular rule of conversation. This way everyone could really see how their relationships fit into the different rules and how they themselves as a couple need to improve and move through the four rules to reach unity.
(f) What are the
limitations of these types of Exercises?
I actually feel there aren’t too many limitations on doing an exercise like 16c.1. It is very helpful to relate the concepts and ideas of the Unity Model to everyone’s own lives. This section was a lot shorter than most of the previous exercises so it was a lot easier to read through the material thoroughly with a better understanding. I feel that exercise 16c.1 is a great length for an exercise which seemed to correspond to a great oral presentation by Xuying and I and a better understanding by our classmates.
(g) Describe what
happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
I am the one who presented so when I was doing the questions of the exercise I found it more personally related to me and my feelings about the unity model. I also realized how much the model really relates not only to my relationship but men overall. The unity model, especially in this exercise, is kind of eye opening to everyone who doesn’t follow the model or who doesn’t believe that it’s possible and chooses the negative bias rather than the positive bias. One of the questions was “Are they willing to go along with this perspective?” It was interesting to see that mostly all of my male friends, whether they are in a relationship or not, was less reluctant to follow the four rules and most of my female friends, including my girlfriend, was all for it. I guess it shows that unless the unity model is thoroughly understood, men think that it is a female serving and female centered model but we know that to be completely false and not what Swedenborg reports.
Section 4 – Websites
http://ezinearticles.com/?Great-Conversation-To-Better-Relationships&id=272443.
“Great Conversation To Better Relationships.” This is Joshua Poyoh’s take on what it takes to better a relationship. These rules to conversation are somewhat similar to the “four rules of conjugial conversation” discussed above but this idea is contrasting for the most part.
http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/how-to-make-a-man-fall-in-love-with-you-1498.html.
“How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You.” This is an interesting article to read because it takes the male dominance perspective on a relationship and gives tips on how the woman should act to get the man to love her.
http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/how-to-get-a-girl-to-fall-in-love-1434.html.
“How to Get a Girl To Fall in Love.” This article gives some tips on the opposite view, what the guy needs to do to get her to fall in love with him. It is quite interesting and funny.
http://marriage.about.com/od/intimacy/tp/createintimacy.htm
This website
points out different things that couples can do to create more intimacy in
their marriage.
It suggests things like leaving romantic notes and deepening the
relationship. This shows that there is more to intimacy then just being
the the sensorimotor
phase.
http://holidays.lovingyou.com/guides/intimacy/
This website has resources that
help couples to develp their sexual intimacy.
It refers to sex as a "natural impulse to express your emotions to the
highest degree." This shows that sexual intimacy is not just a
physical thing.
http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/marital_intimacy.aspx
This article refers to intimacy
as "the closeness of your relationship with your spouse - emotionally,
spiritually, intellectually, sexually..." This again shows that
intimacy isn't just sensorimotor as the unity model
points out. There is also the cognitive and
affective areas that need to be worked on in order for a marriage to have
intimacy.
This is a link to the Wikipedia page on Swedenborg. It contains his biography, spiritual and scientific beliefs, as well as links to his books and other references.
This link is to Deborah Tannen’s
Wikipedia page. It contains her
biography, a link to her homepage at
This link is to
Joshua Coleman’s homepage. From here you can find his books, speaking
appearances, articles, blogs and forums about him and his teachings.
This is a link to Dr. Laura’s homepage. You can e-mail her, listen to her radio show, find her books, personal appearances, and blogs.