Report 4
“Take
the time to Listen”
By: Rebecca
Alexander,
Caitlin
Botelho, Praew O’Connell, Brandi
Schmeling
Psy 409B,
Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon
James, Instructor, University of Hawaii
Class
Home Page
Section
1: Lecture Content
Lecture N16d: Characteristics of Husband’s Threefold Self during
Discourse
(By: Praew O’Connell )
These lecture notes discuss the characteristics of Husband’s
discourse according to Ennead chart of Threefold Self. When we talk, the
Threefold Self of the person is involved. Affective dictates what we think.
Attitude categorizes in Cognitive level and what we say is in Sensorimotor. Therefore, we have to look at how the
husband’s thinking and feeling work together and how these things control
his Sensorimotor self to
understand the Ennead chart.
Characteristics of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL HE USES |
THREEFOLD
SELF OF HUSBAND |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
3 UNITY |
** tries to never talk in an
unfriendly tone |
** thinks that his masculine views
don't matter as much as his wife's views (which include his), since he is trying to adopt her feminine views for the
sake of unity in eternity. Recall that the wife's views are influenced by the
husband's views to begin with. |
** loves to learn how to make his
wife more central in his mind than himself |
|
2 EQUITY |
** talks like he is always out to
defend his views, rights, or conveniences |
** thinks that her views are not
as relevant to the specific situation and rational |
** loves to retain for himself
some areas of independence |
|
1 MALE
DOMINANCE |
** interrupts her |
** thinks that women are less
intelligent than men it suits him |
** loves to dominate her more than to be intimate with her |
In the Affective level of Male Dominance, the husband dominates his wife
rather than becoming intimate with her mentally. Instead, he is only being
intimate with her physically through sex. He prefers company of men to women.
For example, he might prefer to stay with men rather than stay together with
his wife in a party or he would rather go out with his guy friends. In the Cognitive
level, he thinks that women are less intelligent than men. He dismisses her
view and thinks that his opinion is more important. It is a traditional mode of
thinking in which women do not allow to have any opinion. The husband is always
a leader so he is the one who make all the decisions. His wife has to listen and
do what he says without any objection.
In the Sensorimotor level, he likes to
interrupt her and intimidate her by using harsh tones, call her name, or use
gestures.
In the Affective level, he loves to retain himself to be independent. He
does not want to dominate her; he instead listens to her opinion more than he
would in the Male Dominance phase. However, he still insists on his independent
and resists her. In this phase, although he listens to his wife he may disagree
with and he might say that she does not think rational or relevant by reverting
back to the Male Dominance Level. In the Cognitive level, he might to try to
compromise with her but at the end he considers his view is more rational. He
also hides his feeling in order to control her.
I think, the husband in the Equity phase wants
to create a good relationship with wife. So he does not want take control
directly. He hides his feeling so he can keep his own independence. When he is
mad, he might walk out on her and does not want to listen and act coldly. Since
he still wants his own space, he does not ready yet to conjoin with wife through
Unity in the Threefold Self.
Unity Phase
This is the highest zone of the Ennead chart of marriage. In the Affective
level, he loves to learn how to make his wife more central in his mind. He
loves mental intimacy with her and he loves her feminist view. He likes to be
her friend and interdependent rather than trying to control her. In the Cognitive
level, he thinks that his masculine view does not matter as his wife’s
feminist view. He adopts her view to become unity in eternity. He thinks that
only single disagreement can interrupt their life in eternity. When he talks to
her, he does not interrupt her and listen to her carefully when she expresses
her feeling. He supports her opinions and does not upset or get angry with her.
Also, when he listens, he listens attentively and be coordinate with his wife.
In the Unity phase, the husband is ready to conjoin himself with his
wife in Affective, Cognitive, and Sensorimotor
intimacy because Conjugial Love in eternity requires
that both husband and wife have to conjoin as one. I think when the husband
commits himself to unity phase; it allows them to become best friend, soul mate
and lover at the same time because he accepts his wife’s femininity. He
also learn to conjoin his masculinity with her femininity because masculinity
and femininity are opposite and when both partner learn to conjoin both
together, they become a perfect fit and lead them to happily marriage in both
physical world and world of eternity.
The
husband who what to be unity with his wife has to learn to accept to love the 8
principles of good behavior.
1. Not
express disagreement through sensory motor self expression
2. Not
express disagreement in verbal express (affective)
3. Not to
perform act disloyalty from e.g. cannot take the children side from her.
4. To be
support because she needs men’s support (never criticize her)
5. To be
protective her vulnerability, security (cannot attack her weakness)
6. To be
useful to her in various ways to make her life more comfortable
7. To learn
how to touch and arose her and to keep himself clean
8. To learn
how to make up when he creates disjunctive
Jennifer Lee covered this
section of the notes after Dr. James and basically went over the same things
that I previously mentioned. However, to help others understand this
better, she added some examples of her current relationship and the things her
boyfriend does in each stage that represents the table. In the Male
Dominance phase in the Sensorimotor
self her boyfriend talks to her differently on the phone than when he is with
her. If he were to talk to her the way he normally does it would be seen
by his coworkers as “lowering himself.” In the affective self
of the Male Dominance phase her example is how her boyfriend goes out with his
guy friends and won’t let her go with him because it’s boys night
out.
In
the Cognitive Self of the Equity phase she says that her boyfriend tries to
control what she would do at night by telling her what HE is going to do.
In the affective self of the equity phase he gives her the
“I don’t know” answer to everything. For example, if
she asks him what time he is going to be home and he doesn’t get home at
the time he told her, she would get mad. He would rather not tell her a
specific time at all because he might not make it home at that time and he
doesn’t want to suffer the consequences. hFinally
in the Sensorimotor self of the unity phase
Jennifer’s boyfriend tries not to interrupt her when she talks and when
he knows that she is upset with him, he changes his tone of voice. In the
affective self of the unity phase her boyfriend likes to spend more time with
her. Instead of choosing to go out with his guy friends he goes out with
her instead.
Personal
Opinion
I believe
that every husband or boyfriend should treat their significant other in the
Unity phase. The table from N16d really breaks down the different ways
that men hurt women in Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and
Affect Selves. Once I read the table and understood what each thing
meant, I realized that I have been in relationships where I was being
controlled (in more ways than I previously realized). For example, I was
“punished” when I would spend time with my family instead of
spending time with my boyfriend. Not only spending time with them, but
even WANTING to spend time with them was bad in his eyes. I wish I knew
about the Unity model of marriage many years ago so I could have avoided the
hurt that I experienced in the past.
Section
2: Team Presentation on Readings
Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
Chapter 6
“Mother Laura’s Marriage Tools” pages 181-189 by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
(By: Brandi
Schmeling)
This chapter was discussed in class by Lisa Ha. She went over each
of Dr. Laura’s tools and gave an example from the book of a couple that
was able to successfully use the tool in their own marriage.
1)
There is no “I” in Team
Here, Dr. Laura discusses how when marriage
is on the brink of divorce, when communication is shot and both parties are
hurting, most of the time; they just don’t know what else to do, so they
get divorced. She basically says you’re not sleeping with the enemy, you
are a team; so work on the marriage, make it work. She uses an example of
Aaron, Moses’ brother and how he mended a relationship between two that
used to be best friends by telling each of them, separately, what she claims is
a ‘special kind of lie’. He told both of them that he had talked
with the other and that they had said really nice things about them. Dr. Laura
claims this is a special kind of lie because the two friends had nice things
they thought about each other, even though they did not say them.
Personally, I see this as a very deceptive
tactic and don’t agree that it’s acceptable to lie, just because
you call it a ‘special kind of lie’, but I suppose I can see where
Dr. Laura is coming from to a certain degree. The whole point here is that
instead of focusing on why your partner is frustrating you or how they’ve
failed, that you should instead, make a list of things you appreciate about
them, and the good that they do for you. She also suggests that you make a list
of all the things you plan to do for them.
2)
Down Memory Lane
Here
Dr. Laura suggests that you, as the title eludes, go down memory lane. It is
important to remember why you fell for each other in the first place, what you
loved about them when you first met, and the things you used to do together. It
is so easy to forget these things as years pass on. There is an example in this
section that Dr. Laura talks about two of her listeners, a married couple,
Tommy and Coral. They were an older couple who, in their seventies and
eighties, they had been together fifteen years and were both on their second
marriage. They said they felt like brother and sister, just living in the same house
together.
One
day Coral cooked for a sick neighbor. She never cooked any more and when Tommy
saw that she had cooked he brought up how he fell in love with her when she
cooked him dinner in that same pan. She brought up how she fell in love with him
when he took her dancing but made the comment “ I
don’t cook anymore and we don’t dance anymore, so we both got
gypped” However, the next week Tommy wrote dancing on Corals to do list.
Coral talked about how going dancing made her fall in love with Tommy all over
again and remember why she fell for him in the first place. She says they are
madly in love again and she is cooking more as well.
3)
Mutual Forgiveness
Here, Dr. Laura has an example of a couple, Kimberly and her
husband. They had an amazing engagement, wedding, honeymoon, etc. When it came
to married life, however, things weren’t exactly as incredible. They had
a lot of hardships, job losses, difficult pregnancies, unplanned events, car
accidents, deaths, financial problems, etc. All of this put a big strain on
their relationship. When it came to their five year anniversary, they ended up
getting into a huge fight. Yelling, screaming, crying, and the idea of divorce was put on the table. They said that they immediately
realized that was not what they wanted. They said that once this happened, they
both decided to forgive each other, let the past be behind them, and move
forward. They then renewed their vows to each other and recommitted to making
their marriage work.
I feel that mutual forgiveness is essential. I don’t agree
with Dr. Laura on a lot of things, but this I most definitely agree with. You
can dwell on the past forever. It can take over and forbid you to move ahead.
There will always be what if’s and if only’s
but there comes a point where you have to say “what’s done is done,
the past cannot be changed and from here on out we have to move
forward”.
4)
Dump Your Prideful Ways
When someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, it is easy to
get defensive. You want to defend your actions and explain yourself. You want
to feel justified with what you’ve done because of how you’re
feeling and what they’ve done to you. Dr. Laura says that rarely when
this occurs, can a person just listen. Just allow their partner to tell them
why they’re hurting and what they’ve done. She says that in this
situation it is important to just listen, in silence. Really take in what your
partner is saying and find some part of it that you can agree with, even if it
is small and own up to your actions of hurting them. Sitting there and trying
to prove to them why you did it or that they are wrong does not solve anything,
it does not make matters improve. This is where you have to just admit that you
were insensitive and hurt them, even if that wasn’t your intention, it
was the result.
If you can do this, your partner will be able to do with back. Dr.
James said, when Lisa was discussing this in class, that the wife needs to be
able to express herself without the husband feeling disrespected. In other
words, she needs to be able to explain that he hurt her and own up to it,
without feeling the need to justify his actions. I find this thought a bit hard
to swallow. I understand the importance of it, but I think my pride gets in the
way here because I am very stubborn when it comes to admitting I’m wrong.
5)
Ignore the Sometimes Not So Small Stuff
Dr. Laura explains that everyone has bad things in their
personality. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws. Here, she talks about a
listener who wrote to her named Jim. He said that he and his wife were about to
avoid divorce by taking responsibility for their own actions and focusing on
how they could improve themselves instead of trying to change the things they
didn’t like about the other person. Jim would get physically violent when
he was upset. His wife would swear at him and hurt him with her words; this is
one of the things that upset him the most. Jim decided to take responsibility
for what he was doing. He wrote his wife a letter that said if he ever
physically hurt her again, he would call the cops on himself. He learned better
ways to divert his anger and would take time to cool off. His wife would use
words to hurt him, but now if she swears (which it occurs much less often now)
he will ignore it and then later she will apologize for it. Lisa explained that
originally, Jim was in the male dominance phase but now he is in the equity
phase.
With this one, I find it really hard to believe that a man who has
been continuously physically abusive can just shut that off and do better. I
don’t think that is something for the wife to just ignore. That is
serious and unjustifiable in my book. I think Dr. Laura has a lot of nerve
putting a story like this in her book. I feel like she is almost justifying his
abusive behavior because he eventually fixed it.
6)
You’re the Genius! ...No, Honey,
YOU’RE the Genius!
Dr. Laura says that it is important to remember that you are not
always going to agree with your partner. You two will have different ideas and
opinions on things in life. Instead of fighting their perspective, and trying
to prove why they are wrong, you should attempt to find good in it. In the
lecture notes, this idea is discussed. The wife wants to know what he thinks
about things, and he needs to have a friendly way to say his opinion, without
her feeling attacked or unheard. Dr. Laura brings up a good point, that you
need to make sure the focus is on the problem at hand, and that it is not
personal. Bringing up past mistakes in a current issue does not resolve
anything or improve anything. It is taking giant steps backwards in regards to
progress.
I think Dr. Laura is on to something here. It is so easy to take
current issues and make them personal and compare them to other issues you
disagree on, etc. It is easy to forget the task at hand when you get so wrapped
up in trying to prove the other person wrong.
7)
Nicer to Strangers
I find this part to be very true. Dr. Laura talks about how we tend
to be far nicer, more sensitive to strangers than we are to those who we love.
This is probably because we know we can push the limits with our loved ones. We
know we can get away with much more with them without fearing rejection from
them. It seems to be about taking love for granted, because we feel we can.
Dr. Laura says this is clearly not the right way to go about it.
You should treat your husband or wife with more respect and love than you do
strangers because you have a commitment to them, and they to you. They are
committed to loving all there is to you, including your flaws. Instead of
taking this for granted and thinking it is gives you free range to treat them
however you please, you should appreciate that they are willing to tolerate you
at your worst, because a stranger would not. I definitely see myself doing
this, and often. I never really thought about it before reading this but I
think Dr. Laura definitely has a point. I don’t think we should stop how
we are treating strangers, but I think we should most definitely reexamine how
we treat out loved ones.
8)
It Is a Far Greater Blessing to Give
than Receive
Dr. Laura points out in this section that when we have stressful
days or are upset, we tend to just expect and feel we need attention. The one
big problem we all have is that we don’t verbalize this, or if we do get
some TLC, we criticize or refuse it and allow ourselves to continue to feel
bad. Dr. Laura says that when we feel this way, when our day has been stressful
or upsetting, instead of expecting attention, we should instead turn our
attention to our spouse. Her suggestions include getting a little gift for your
spouse, writing them a cute note, running an errand for them, etc. She believes
this will in turn, boost our mood. Her last suggestion is that if you still
feel bad, to ask for some attention but in a clear and respectful way.
I am a bit on the fence about this one. I do think that sometimes,
when you’re in a bad mood the quickest way to get in a better one is to
do something nice for someone else. This does not always work, however.
Sometimes when you do this and the response from that person is not what you
were hoping for, you end up feeling worse off than before. I think Dr. Laura is
on the right track with this idea though.
9)
Forget Rewriting History
I believe this is one of the most important things for anyone to
understand in relationships. Healing takes time! Dr. Laura says that people
waste so much time on the past and resenting their spouse that they can never move
on. It is important to keep in mind that, things aren’t going to happen
overnight. That people need time to repair themselves and to repair trust. Dr.
Laura makes a very good point, she says “you can’t take the
temperature of a marriage every five minutes in order for you to feel safe,
while forcing your spouse to feel something they’re not up to yet”.
Dr. Laura says when you’ve messed up, the best thing you can do is
“DO THE RIGHT THING FROM THIS POINT ON…and pray for the
best”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I think with this
point, Dr. Laura is dead on. It is the hardest thing for us to remember but the
only thing that can mend a broken heart or broken trust is time, it is the
slowest, but most effective method.
10) Kings and Queens
In this section, Dr. Laura talks about a listener that wrote in,
Tracy. Tracy had been married for ten years and said that although she was not
unhappy in her marriage, she was definitely not happy either. She said she went
to her grandma’s one week to think about things. Her grandma gave her
this advice, ‘treat him like a king and he will treat you like a
queen’. She said that they have now been married twenty three years and
she’s very happy now. Dr. Laura claims that if you married a good person,
that they will return the favor. I think this idea is a bit simplistic. I
understand the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated, but I feel
like there is a bit more to it that just that.
Lazy Husband
Chapter 6
“It’s a Personality Thing” pages 112-149 by Joshua Coleman
(By: Caitlin
Botelho)
Sumiyo Ishikawa described that according to Joshua
Coleman, a key part of creating change in relationships is through
understanding how your partner’s (and your own) personality affects your
marriage. She introduced the different types of common personality types
in marriage as defined by Joshua Coleman: The Boy-Husband, The Worried Wife, The
Worried Husband, The Perfectionistic Wife, The Perfectionistic Husband, The Angry Husband, and the Angry
Wife.
The Boy Husband
Joshua Coleman uses the example of Bob to explain
the Boy-Husband. Bob grew up with depressed parents who were uninvolved
in his life. While working as a salesman Bob met his wife Lana. Bob
was incapable of conducting an adult like and Lana constantly felt like she was
taking care of a child. She had to wake him up in the morning for work
otherwise she worried he would get fired if she didn’t. Joshua
Coleman says Lana needs to detach herself from the feeling of being responsible
for him and gain an understanding for why she feels so responsible. I
quote Joshua Coleman “A dependent husband can only continue his dependence
if he’s being supported by his husband.” Once a woman decides
she will not support her husband, he will have to learn how to do things on his
own. Lana had to decide on a way to talk to Bob that would not make him
feel like he was being judged. Finally, she had to ask herself if part of
her liked the fact that Bob depended on her so much. A good thing to note
is that if change is going to happen in your spouse, it will not be overnight,
but very gradual.
The Worried Wife
Joshua Coleman refers to a woman named Liya who refused to get a baby sitter for her children
because she had heard so many horror stories about child
abuse/abductions. Coleman says that “being a worrier can cause your
husband to tune you out.” In order to overcome this worry, Liya needed to start pushing back against it in small
steps. After a year of working at this, Liya
was able to spend more and more time away from her children without worrying.
After a year of “practice,” Liya
was able to spend the weekend away from her kids without being terrified or
guilt-ridden.
The Worried Husband
The worried husband is just like the worried wife,
but he worries that something terrible will happen to his wife and children.
The example in the book is a man named Mark. From the time Mark was
a young boy, his parents put the burden of adult responsibilities on him;
asking him for advice, worrying about paying the rent and treating him as if he
was much older. In the beginning of his marriage, his wife found this
constant worry as a sign of care, but as their children got older she felt
weighed down by his constant worrying and inability to relax. Joshua
Coleman gives a list of things you can do if you are in a relationship with
someone like this: don’t criticize him for his worry, tease him if
he’ll let you (if he has a good sense of humor), don’t allow his
worries to rule the roost (household), and if his worries are extremely bad,
have him talk to a doctor about being evaluated.
The Perfectionist Wife
and Husband
Perfectionists often hold themselves at a high
standard. Frequently, perfectionists come from families where nothing
they did was ever good enough. The problem with being a perfectionist in
a marriage is that you may feel like your husband is holding you at this hard
to reach standard. A study done by Michelle Haring and Paul Hewitt found
that wives who had perfectionist expectations of their husbands did not enjoy
their marriage as much as wives with moderate expectations. If you are
the wife of a perfectionist husband you may constantly feel controlled,
dominated, or blamed; this can cause women to feel anxious, guilty, or
depressed.
The Angry Husband
An angry husband may treat his wife very bad; he may
be controlling, domineering, and make his wife feel belittled. He may
also limit the time you spend away from him; time with friends or family
members. Also, he may sexually blackmail his wife; use intimidation to
get his wife to be sexual with him. Joshua Coleman says that
“…some of the happiest marriages are those where couples fight.
However, for every fight, these couples have at least five positive
exchanges afterward.” If the relationship is mostly made up of
fights and not enough positive exchanges, this is not a happy marriage.
In order to get your husband to behave, you need to get strong enough to
insist that he treat you better.
The Angry Wife
The angry wife is the complete opposite of the
angry husband. Women that are angry tend to make their husbands feel
belittled, resentful, and resistant to change. A common mind-frame from
conflict-ridden children is “better to hurt them than to let them hurt
you.” It is impossible to change through anger…instead change
to make the other person happy. People in distressed marriages
underestimate the amount of work their partners do by about 50 percent.
Personal Opinion
Sometimes I feel as if my fiancé is more a
boy-husband than anything else. Every since he was younger he always had a
hard time waking up to go to school or work. He loves to sleep in.
I feel just like Lana because I set my alarm and wake him up in the morning,
make sure he gets ready, and leaves on time. If I do not do this he will
not look good at work and he may get fired. This is very detrimental for
us because he is the only one working right now to support me and our daughter.
I’m trying to follow the steps that Joshua Coleman gave in the
chapter to change his ways. Now I am not perfect by far…I consider
myself the Worried Wife (sometimes). I also relate to Liya
because I am very paranoid about sending my daughter to a baby-sitter. I
always told people that I will never trust her to be with someone that I do not
know personally. My daughter means the world to me and I would rather
stay home with her (and have no life) than have something happen to her under
someone else’s watch.
Section
3: Team Presentation on Exercises
(By: Rebecca
Alexander)
(a)
Summarize the main ideas
presented by the team.
The
exercise team discussed Dr. Laura’s view on gender, how women must dress and act sexy to appeal to
their men’s wishes and sexual blackmail. The bottom line is that the team
disagreed with Dr. Laura’s thoughts that women should cater to
men’s requests. They described that thought as being a double edged
sword; women should not be the only ones that are to “improve”
themselves in the relationship; men should place effort and emphasis into their
appearance and attitude in order to make women feel happy as well. There is
more than one person in the relationship and many couples do not realize this.
(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.
Chloe Yogi discussed how Dr. Laura proposes that women should keep up with their
appearance by keeping in shape, keeping her hair and makeup in style, having
nice clothes- anything that will make her man happy. She should greet her
husband at the door welcoming him into a quiet and clean home, taking his coat
with a warm smile. Male Dominance radiates from Dr. Laura as she addresses her
gender views, women are just barbies- everything should be perfect, tidy and to
his liking, without expecting the same outcome as men. Chloe stated that she
did not aggree with Dr. Laura on this view that the woman should be well kept
while she makes no statement on the man keeping himself well and trim, which is
consistant with the Male Dominance point of view.
Chloe was upfront upon her
disagreement with Dr. Laura stating that she felt that there was a double
standard in Dr. Laura’s views upon men and women. Men should equally keep
their style and self upto date to please their woman, to make her feel as
though her husband hasn’t given up after their honeymoon is over. What is
more disappointing than a person involved in a relationship who does not wish
to pamper themselves to make themselves and their partner look good.
Tracey Nieto introduced the topic
of marriages regarding Dr.
Laura’s youtube interview. She quoted an AOL poll that was conducted
which asked: “Would you marry your huband again?” 44% of woman said
Yes, 36% said I Don’t Know, 20% said No. Dr. Laura said that women who
are unhappy in their marriages are bad wives because, they keep secrets from
their husbands which allows questions and uncertainty to provoke husbands
thoughts. Women are also considered
by Dr. Laura to be bad wives if they do not pamper their husbands and routinely
thank them for the hard work that they have done to support their family.
Dr. Laura stated that marriages are
in trouble because people put themselves before their partners. They do not ask
themselves what they could do to brighten their partners day, they think what
can he or she do to brighten my day. In Dr. Laura’s opinion, women should
shut up and just do what men want to make their marriage work, but this is just
repressing women’s thoughts and values, having to put up with men without
taking care of their needs first. Tracey addressed her disapprovement with Dr.
Laura. Tracey exclaimed that Dr Laura is a woman, so she questioned Dr. Lauras
intentions of staying on a male perspective; does she do so to make men feel
that they are in power over women, or does she truly think that women should
serve and honor their partners? Why do women have to routinely address their
thankfulness to men, where are their hugs and kisses for cleaning the house or
taking care of the children all day?
Nicole Salviejo explained Dr.
Lauras view on the idea that women should cater to mens needs, giving him
whatever he asks for without hesitation; meaning sex. It is the womans
“job” in her view to grant him this need whenever he wants, because
he works hard all day and he deserves to have sex . This thought can lead to
sexual blackmail if the woman disagrees and does not give or act like she wants
to have sex with her man. He may act “coldly” towards her, by
leaving the room and not asking her how her day was or helping her prepare
dinner. Women might see this act by
men and turn their attitude around so that she acts like she wants to have sex
to not escalate the situation into a fight or bad feelings. This will
strengthen mens ego by having her crawl to him and fulfill his wants.
Men partake in sexual blackmail,
being cold to the woman, disregarding her feelings and just keeping silent
while she is still taking. When this occurs many women jump up and try to
resolve the situation-believeing that it is their fault that men are now
ignoring them. Men’s cold attitude should not be regarded with sympathy
from the woman. Nicole discussed that Sexual Blackmail depicts women as being
sex dolls: they have no brains, just figures posed to do whatever he wants. Her
sympathy and attention to the man influences and encourages his behavior. Women
should be able to stand up and put their foot down if they do not want to
partake in that act. It is important for men to realize this is a hurtful
strategy and that no relationship should be subjected to this treatment.
(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater
amplification.
Some ideas that I felt
needed to be discussed in greater detail were what men could do to make women
feel appreciated. The group presented clear ideas that the men could put down
their work and take notice in their wife when they enter the room, but I still
feel that women are still being subjected to jump up and run to their husbands,
while men can take their time. Dr. Laura emphasizes a Male Dominance
relationship, I would like to see her discuss what a couple could do together
to make each other happy, instead of “What can I do to brighten my
husbands day?” I would like to see her engage in a discussion about
equity relationships to place emphasis on both members of the couple working
hard to help please one another.
(d) What was the success of the
approach they used?
The team was successful in reporting Dr.
Laura’s views on gender. They held a positive bias while reading Section 8
Lecture Notes and disclosed their opinions until they had finished reading
their sections. Their presentation was well; they introduced Dr. Laura’s
views first, explaining everything that was to be said about her thoughts
before diving into their objections of Dr. Laura. I enjoyed hearing each group
member’s personal accounts of their opinions as they introduced their
topics. Expressing ones thoughts is a great way to connect and create a rapport
with the audience; to let them know that you are able to hold your own feelings
which are not influenced by anyone else.
(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
There are no real improvements that are needed to
be conducted in these procedures. My group members and I were able to clearly
follow along with what was being asked of us. I followed the positive bias and
read the lecture notes and instructions before I let any conflicting thoughts
enter my head. The procedures and instructions are very clear, very well written
and precise. I understood completely what was being asked of me and I did not
have trouble concluding my opinions and thoughts in relation to this project.
(f) What
are the limitations of these types of exercises?
The limitations that are present in these exercises
are that Dr. Laura does not go through life with a positive bias. She has her
own bias against women apparently, which I do not understand since she is
one!! She should be enlightened into
this course, and learn how great it is to be apart of a marriage that is equal.
In our case, there are no limitations for these exercises in this course. We do
hold a positive bias as we integrate the lecture notes into lecture and
exercises and it allows us to ponder and think of how it relates to our own
lives. I enjoy open ended exercises which allow one to be able to think
critically and in depth of what the question is really trying to have us get
at.
The group was able to take these questions and
exercises and make it their own, able to elaborate their perceptions, giving us
a chance to be able to take a quick peek into what they think and how they feel
of the material that they are presenting. It is very interesting to see if the
presenters hold the same views that I hold, and if not, it is important to be
able to obtain a positive bias and respect others opinions.
(g)
Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
After watching her youtube
clip, I felt very strongly that Dr. Laura was centered on the Male Dominance
perspective of marriage. She explains that men and women should put their
relationship first before themselves to nurture their marriage. I disagree, I
feel that you must put yourself before others; you need to love and take care
of yourself before you can love and take care of someone else. This is because, if you are feeling down
and not happy, how would you have the patience and energy to cheer someone else
up? Dr. Laura descried a couple rolling over and greeting each other in bed in
the morning: she explained that the couple should tell themselves “What
can I do today to make this person happy, and love life?” I feel that this is too idealistic; it
is putting the woman in a situation that she should follow the man’s
wishes, blatantly addressing what the woman should do, while not what the man
should do.
When she was pressed by the interviewer Dr. Laura
did suggest things that men could do, such as coming up to the woman and
touching her hair and giving her compliments. In my opinion, I think that is
far fetched- most men would not take the effort to compliment their woman, let
alone touch her in a warm way, because it should be “known” by the
woman that he cares about her, without him having to say so. I feel that woman,
including me, have tried to address men’s wishes; to do what they want or
else they their relationship would fail, since she is not making him feel like
a king, like a real man. This is really sad. Why should women feel that they
must pamper her man, give him sex whenever he wants, dress up sexy, have the
home in order, while she may have a full plate of school or work as well as
kids, while he works or goes to school as well. It is a double standard that says
women should do this extra step to fulfill his needs while she may have the
same or even more work to do.
As I mentioned, I have fallen into that trap of
Male Dominance. In my prior relationship I felt as if I had to dress nice when we
went out; including having my hair done, perfect makeup, dressing sexy with
heels, while he just wore regular pants and a t-shirt. He told me that he
wanted me to dress that way because I was “his.” I did this because
I felt that he would not love me anymore and I felt that I would lose him if I
did not follow what he wanted. This was a trap that I was involved in. I
realized that women should dress and act as they want regardless if men agree
with them or not. In true relationships, the men should love the woman for who
she is, if she decides one day that she just wants to wear sweats and not have
her hair done, he should realize that she does not have to dress nicely all the
time, she should dress as she wants to be comfortable. He should appreciate all
of the things she does for him, the little things that make all the difference.
When
I asked my friends what they felt of Dr. Laura, both guys and girls agreed with
me. I told them to adopt a positive bias as I explained to them Dr.
Laura’s views, so that they would not make judgments until they heard all
of the descriptions. My girlfriend and guy friend both felt that men do hold
this view point, that they can control their woman to act in a certain way to
his liking, and if she does not, he would become emotionally distant which is
the ultimate disgrace for woman. They felt that there should be a reciprocal
balance; men should be able to help out as well, tidying the home and helping
with parenting while the woman relaxes and has a beer, not only requesting the
women to be at his beck and call every moment of every day.
Section
4: Annotated Web Links
1.
Steps to Healing a
Marriage: This is a website
that talks about steps you can take when you are attempting to heal your
marriage after trust is broken.
2.
Evaluate Your
Marriage: This is a
site where you can fill out different check lists, etc to evaluate your
marriage. There is a self giving section, narcissism and mistrust checklists,
anger inventories, etc.
3.
Trust and Marriage: This website discusses the importance of
trust in a marriage. It also discusses how deception is the biggest destroyer
of trust and how to rebuild it.
4. Ten Commandments
for Husbands and Wives: This
website gives Ten Commandments that both husbands and wives need to
follow. I think Commandments 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, and 8 for the husbands
reflect the unity model of marriage very well. However, Commandments 6,
8, and 9 for the wives reflect the male dominance phase of marriage.
5. Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Blog: Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband,
has his readers write in with questions or comments about topics relating to
his book(s). Some of the topics discussed revolve around housework,
chores, money, and parenting
differences.
6. The
Husband is the Head of the Wife? This article discusses the questions about “Is
the husband the head of the wife?” This question relates to the model of
Male Dominance in which the husband is the one who controls everything in the
family.
7. Discourses of Opposition to Marriage Equality: This
article discusses about equality between men and women and their role in
marriage. They said that the society has been struggle with equality between
sexes.
8. The Simple Truths
about Falling and Living in Love:
Dr Brenda Shoshanna is a relationship expert who shares her knowledge of
how to fall and stay in love. She recommends several coping strategies and even
offers a spiritual option for those who are open to it.
9. How
to Attract and Create a Lasting Relationship With the
Kind of Person You Have Always Wanted:
This article presents several tips for couples who would like to
strengthen relationships with the one that they love. It is important to be a
good listener and always stay positive when talking with your partner.
10. Making
Marriage Work: This article provides 7 steps in recommendation
to help make marriages work. They give examples of how happy and successful
couples cope with problems and work to resolve their differences.
11.
Men, Women, and Gender Roles in
Marriage: This article speaks of
relationships and their role with God. Spiritually insightful helpful hints are
given to couples to work together and be happy with one another under
God’s Will. This is a great
example of a Male Dominance fueled relationship, and the positive steps that
the woman makes in order to reach equity to have her husband understand her.
She resists sexual blackmail and cold hearted resistance.
“A wife
who submits to her husband is free to suggest directions or to question
and challenge his direction. She is obligated to point out when she believes he
is
violating God's will. But she would turn away from self-willed resistance or
manipulation.”