“Take the time to Listen”
By: Rebecca Alexander,
Caitlin Botelho, Praew O’Connell, Brandi Schmeling
Psy 409B, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii
Class Home Page
1: Lecture Content
Lecture N16d: Characteristics of Husband’s Threefold Self during Discourse
(By: Praew O’Connell )
These lecture notes discuss the characteristics of Husband’s discourse according to Ennead chart of Threefold Self. When we talk, the Threefold Self of the person is involved. Affective dictates what we think. Attitude categorizes in Cognitive level and what we say is in Sensorimotor. Therefore, we have to look at how the husband’s thinking and feeling work together and how these things control his Sensorimotor self to understand the Ennead chart.
Characteristics of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
MODEL HE USES
THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND
** tries to never talk in an
** thinks that his masculine views don't matter as much as his wife's views (which include his), since he is trying to adopt her feminine views for the sake of unity in eternity. Recall that the wife's views are influenced by the husband's views to begin with.
** loves to learn how to make his
wife more central in his mind than himself
** talks like he is always out to
defend his views, rights, or conveniences
** thinks that her views are not
as relevant to the specific situation
** loves to retain for himself some
areas of independence
** interrupts her
** thinks that women are less
intelligent than men
it suits him
** loves to dominate her more
than to be intimate with her
In the Affective level of Male Dominance, the husband dominates his wife rather than becoming intimate with her mentally. Instead, he is only being intimate with her physically through sex. He prefers company of men to women. For example, he might prefer to stay with men rather than stay together with his wife in a party or he would rather go out with his guy friends. In the Cognitive level, he thinks that women are less intelligent than men. He dismisses her view and thinks that his opinion is more important. It is a traditional mode of thinking in which women do not allow to have any opinion. The husband is always a leader so he is the one who make all the decisions. His wife has to listen and do what he says without any objection. In the Sensorimotor level, he likes to interrupt her and intimidate her by using harsh tones, call her name, or use gestures.
In the Affective level, he loves to retain himself to be independent. He does not want to dominate her; he instead listens to her opinion more than he would in the Male Dominance phase. However, he still insists on his independent and resists her. In this phase, although he listens to his wife he may disagree with and he might say that she does not think rational or relevant by reverting back to the Male Dominance Level. In the Cognitive level, he might to try to compromise with her but at the end he considers his view is more rational. He also hides his feeling in order to control her.
I think, the husband in the Equity phase wants to create a good relationship with wife. So he does not want take control directly. He hides his feeling so he can keep his own independence. When he is mad, he might walk out on her and does not want to listen and act coldly. Since he still wants his own space, he does not ready yet to conjoin with wife through Unity in the Threefold Self.
This is the highest zone of the Ennead chart of marriage. In the Affective level, he loves to learn how to make his wife more central in his mind. He loves mental intimacy with her and he loves her feminist view. He likes to be her friend and interdependent rather than trying to control her. In the Cognitive level, he thinks that his masculine view does not matter as his wife’s feminist view. He adopts her view to become unity in eternity. He thinks that only single disagreement can interrupt their life in eternity. When he talks to her, he does not interrupt her and listen to her carefully when she expresses her feeling. He supports her opinions and does not upset or get angry with her. Also, when he listens, he listens attentively and be coordinate with his wife.
In the Unity phase, the husband is ready to conjoin himself with his wife in Affective, Cognitive, and Sensorimotor intimacy because Conjugial Love in eternity requires that both husband and wife have to conjoin as one. I think when the husband commits himself to unity phase; it allows them to become best friend, soul mate and lover at the same time because he accepts his wife’s femininity. He also learn to conjoin his masculinity with her femininity because masculinity and femininity are opposite and when both partner learn to conjoin both together, they become a perfect fit and lead them to happily marriage in both physical world and world of eternity.
The husband who what to be unity with his wife has to learn to accept to love the 8 principles of good behavior.
1. Not express disagreement through sensory motor self expression
2. Not express disagreement in verbal express (affective)
3. Not to perform act disloyalty from e.g. cannot take the children side from her.
4. To be support because she needs men’s support (never criticize her)
5. To be protective her vulnerability, security (cannot attack her weakness)
6. To be useful to her in various ways to make her life more comfortable
7. To learn how to touch and arose her and to keep himself clean
8. To learn how to make up when he creates disjunctive
Jennifer Lee covered this section of the notes after Dr. James and basically went over the same things that I previously mentioned. However, to help others understand this better, she added some examples of her current relationship and the things her boyfriend does in each stage that represents the table. In the Male Dominance phase in the Sensorimotor self her boyfriend talks to her differently on the phone than when he is with her. If he were to talk to her the way he normally does it would be seen by his coworkers as “lowering himself.” In the affective self of the Male Dominance phase her example is how her boyfriend goes out with his guy friends and won’t let her go with him because it’s boys night out.
In the Cognitive Self of the Equity phase she says that her boyfriend tries to control what she would do at night by telling her what HE is going to do. In the affective self of the equity phase he gives her the “I don’t know” answer to everything. For example, if she asks him what time he is going to be home and he doesn’t get home at the time he told her, she would get mad. He would rather not tell her a specific time at all because he might not make it home at that time and he doesn’t want to suffer the consequences. hFinally in the Sensorimotor self of the unity phase Jennifer’s boyfriend tries not to interrupt her when she talks and when he knows that she is upset with him, he changes his tone of voice. In the affective self of the unity phase her boyfriend likes to spend more time with her. Instead of choosing to go out with his guy friends he goes out with her instead.
I believe that every husband or boyfriend should treat their significant other in the Unity phase. The table from N16d really breaks down the different ways that men hurt women in Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affect Selves. Once I read the table and understood what each thing meant, I realized that I have been in relationships where I was being controlled (in more ways than I previously realized). For example, I was “punished” when I would spend time with my family instead of spending time with my boyfriend. Not only spending time with them, but even WANTING to spend time with them was bad in his eyes. I wish I knew about the Unity model of marriage many years ago so I could have avoided the hurt that I experienced in the past.
Section 2: Team Presentation on Readings
Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
Chapter 6 “Mother Laura’s Marriage Tools” pages 181-189 by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
(By: Brandi Schmeling)
This chapter was discussed in class by Lisa Ha. She went over each of Dr. Laura’s tools and gave an example from the book of a couple that was able to successfully use the tool in their own marriage.
1) There is no “I” in Team
Here, Dr. Laura discusses how when marriage is on the brink of divorce, when communication is shot and both parties are hurting, most of the time; they just don’t know what else to do, so they get divorced. She basically says you’re not sleeping with the enemy, you are a team; so work on the marriage, make it work. She uses an example of Aaron, Moses’ brother and how he mended a relationship between two that used to be best friends by telling each of them, separately, what she claims is a ‘special kind of lie’. He told both of them that he had talked with the other and that they had said really nice things about them. Dr. Laura claims this is a special kind of lie because the two friends had nice things they thought about each other, even though they did not say them.
Personally, I see this as a very deceptive tactic and don’t agree that it’s acceptable to lie, just because you call it a ‘special kind of lie’, but I suppose I can see where Dr. Laura is coming from to a certain degree. The whole point here is that instead of focusing on why your partner is frustrating you or how they’ve failed, that you should instead, make a list of things you appreciate about them, and the good that they do for you. She also suggests that you make a list of all the things you plan to do for them.
2) Down Memory Lane
Here Dr. Laura suggests that you, as the title eludes, go down memory lane. It is important to remember why you fell for each other in the first place, what you loved about them when you first met, and the things you used to do together. It is so easy to forget these things as years pass on. There is an example in this section that Dr. Laura talks about two of her listeners, a married couple, Tommy and Coral. They were an older couple who, in their seventies and eighties, they had been together fifteen years and were both on their second marriage. They said they felt like brother and sister, just living in the same house together.
One day Coral cooked for a sick neighbor. She never cooked any more and when Tommy saw that she had cooked he brought up how he fell in love with her when she cooked him dinner in that same pan. She brought up how she fell in love with him when he took her dancing but made the comment “ I don’t cook anymore and we don’t dance anymore, so we both got gypped” However, the next week Tommy wrote dancing on Corals to do list. Coral talked about how going dancing made her fall in love with Tommy all over again and remember why she fell for him in the first place. She says they are madly in love again and she is cooking more as well.
3) Mutual Forgiveness
Here, Dr. Laura has an example of a couple, Kimberly and her husband. They had an amazing engagement, wedding, honeymoon, etc. When it came to married life, however, things weren’t exactly as incredible. They had a lot of hardships, job losses, difficult pregnancies, unplanned events, car accidents, deaths, financial problems, etc. All of this put a big strain on their relationship. When it came to their five year anniversary, they ended up getting into a huge fight. Yelling, screaming, crying, and the idea of divorce was put on the table. They said that they immediately realized that was not what they wanted. They said that once this happened, they both decided to forgive each other, let the past be behind them, and move forward. They then renewed their vows to each other and recommitted to making their marriage work.
I feel that mutual forgiveness is essential. I don’t agree with Dr. Laura on a lot of things, but this I most definitely agree with. You can dwell on the past forever. It can take over and forbid you to move ahead. There will always be what if’s and if only’s but there comes a point where you have to say “what’s done is done, the past cannot be changed and from here on out we have to move forward”.
4) Dump Your Prideful Ways
When someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, it is easy to get defensive. You want to defend your actions and explain yourself. You want to feel justified with what you’ve done because of how you’re feeling and what they’ve done to you. Dr. Laura says that rarely when this occurs, can a person just listen. Just allow their partner to tell them why they’re hurting and what they’ve done. She says that in this situation it is important to just listen, in silence. Really take in what your partner is saying and find some part of it that you can agree with, even if it is small and own up to your actions of hurting them. Sitting there and trying to prove to them why you did it or that they are wrong does not solve anything, it does not make matters improve. This is where you have to just admit that you were insensitive and hurt them, even if that wasn’t your intention, it was the result.
If you can do this, your partner will be able to do with back. Dr. James said, when Lisa was discussing this in class, that the wife needs to be able to express herself without the husband feeling disrespected. In other words, she needs to be able to explain that he hurt her and own up to it, without feeling the need to justify his actions. I find this thought a bit hard to swallow. I understand the importance of it, but I think my pride gets in the way here because I am very stubborn when it comes to admitting I’m wrong.
5) Ignore the Sometimes Not So Small Stuff
Dr. Laura explains that everyone has bad things in their personality. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws. Here, she talks about a listener who wrote to her named Jim. He said that he and his wife were about to avoid divorce by taking responsibility for their own actions and focusing on how they could improve themselves instead of trying to change the things they didn’t like about the other person. Jim would get physically violent when he was upset. His wife would swear at him and hurt him with her words; this is one of the things that upset him the most. Jim decided to take responsibility for what he was doing. He wrote his wife a letter that said if he ever physically hurt her again, he would call the cops on himself. He learned better ways to divert his anger and would take time to cool off. His wife would use words to hurt him, but now if she swears (which it occurs much less often now) he will ignore it and then later she will apologize for it. Lisa explained that originally, Jim was in the male dominance phase but now he is in the equity phase.
With this one, I find it really hard to believe that a man who has been continuously physically abusive can just shut that off and do better. I don’t think that is something for the wife to just ignore. That is serious and unjustifiable in my book. I think Dr. Laura has a lot of nerve putting a story like this in her book. I feel like she is almost justifying his abusive behavior because he eventually fixed it.
6) You’re the Genius! ...No, Honey, YOU’RE the Genius!
Dr. Laura says that it is important to remember that you are not always going to agree with your partner. You two will have different ideas and opinions on things in life. Instead of fighting their perspective, and trying to prove why they are wrong, you should attempt to find good in it. In the lecture notes, this idea is discussed. The wife wants to know what he thinks about things, and he needs to have a friendly way to say his opinion, without her feeling attacked or unheard. Dr. Laura brings up a good point, that you need to make sure the focus is on the problem at hand, and that it is not personal. Bringing up past mistakes in a current issue does not resolve anything or improve anything. It is taking giant steps backwards in regards to progress.
I think Dr. Laura is on to something here. It is so easy to take current issues and make them personal and compare them to other issues you disagree on, etc. It is easy to forget the task at hand when you get so wrapped up in trying to prove the other person wrong.
7) Nicer to Strangers
I find this part to be very true. Dr. Laura talks about how we tend to be far nicer, more sensitive to strangers than we are to those who we love. This is probably because we know we can push the limits with our loved ones. We know we can get away with much more with them without fearing rejection from them. It seems to be about taking love for granted, because we feel we can.
Dr. Laura says this is clearly not the right way to go about it. You should treat your husband or wife with more respect and love than you do strangers because you have a commitment to them, and they to you. They are committed to loving all there is to you, including your flaws. Instead of taking this for granted and thinking it is gives you free range to treat them however you please, you should appreciate that they are willing to tolerate you at your worst, because a stranger would not. I definitely see myself doing this, and often. I never really thought about it before reading this but I think Dr. Laura definitely has a point. I don’t think we should stop how we are treating strangers, but I think we should most definitely reexamine how we treat out loved ones.
8) It Is a Far Greater Blessing to Give than Receive
Dr. Laura points out in this section that when we have stressful days or are upset, we tend to just expect and feel we need attention. The one big problem we all have is that we don’t verbalize this, or if we do get some TLC, we criticize or refuse it and allow ourselves to continue to feel bad. Dr. Laura says that when we feel this way, when our day has been stressful or upsetting, instead of expecting attention, we should instead turn our attention to our spouse. Her suggestions include getting a little gift for your spouse, writing them a cute note, running an errand for them, etc. She believes this will in turn, boost our mood. Her last suggestion is that if you still feel bad, to ask for some attention but in a clear and respectful way.
I am a bit on the fence about this one. I do think that sometimes, when you’re in a bad mood the quickest way to get in a better one is to do something nice for someone else. This does not always work, however. Sometimes when you do this and the response from that person is not what you were hoping for, you end up feeling worse off than before. I think Dr. Laura is on the right track with this idea though.
9) Forget Rewriting History
I believe this is one of the most important things for anyone to understand in relationships. Healing takes time! Dr. Laura says that people waste so much time on the past and resenting their spouse that they can never move on. It is important to keep in mind that, things aren’t going to happen overnight. That people need time to repair themselves and to repair trust. Dr. Laura makes a very good point, she says “you can’t take the temperature of a marriage every five minutes in order for you to feel safe, while forcing your spouse to feel something they’re not up to yet”. Dr. Laura says when you’ve messed up, the best thing you can do is “DO THE RIGHT THING FROM THIS POINT ON…and pray for the best”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I think with this point, Dr. Laura is dead on. It is the hardest thing for us to remember but the only thing that can mend a broken heart or broken trust is time, it is the slowest, but most effective method.
10) Kings and Queens
In this section, Dr. Laura talks about a listener that wrote in, Tracy. Tracy had been married for ten years and said that although she was not unhappy in her marriage, she was definitely not happy either. She said she went to her grandma’s one week to think about things. Her grandma gave her this advice, ‘treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen’. She said that they have now been married twenty three years and she’s very happy now. Dr. Laura claims that if you married a good person, that they will return the favor. I think this idea is a bit simplistic. I understand the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated, but I feel like there is a bit more to it that just that.
Chapter 6 “It’s a Personality Thing” pages 112-149 by Joshua Coleman
(By: Caitlin Botelho)
Sumiyo Ishikawa described that according to Joshua Coleman, a key part of creating change in relationships is through understanding how your partner’s (and your own) personality affects your marriage. She introduced the different types of common personality types in marriage as defined by Joshua Coleman: The Boy-Husband, The Worried Wife, The Worried Husband, The Perfectionistic Wife, The Perfectionistic Husband, The Angry Husband, and the Angry Wife.
The Boy Husband
Joshua Coleman uses the example of Bob to explain the Boy-Husband. Bob grew up with depressed parents who were uninvolved in his life. While working as a salesman Bob met his wife Lana. Bob was incapable of conducting an adult like and Lana constantly felt like she was taking care of a child. She had to wake him up in the morning for work otherwise she worried he would get fired if she didn’t. Joshua Coleman says Lana needs to detach herself from the feeling of being responsible for him and gain an understanding for why she feels so responsible. I quote Joshua Coleman “A dependent husband can only continue his dependence if he’s being supported by his husband.” Once a woman decides she will not support her husband, he will have to learn how to do things on his own. Lana had to decide on a way to talk to Bob that would not make him feel like he was being judged. Finally, she had to ask herself if part of her liked the fact that Bob depended on her so much. A good thing to note is that if change is going to happen in your spouse, it will not be overnight, but very gradual.
The Worried Wife
Joshua Coleman refers to a woman named Liya who refused to get a baby sitter for her children because she had heard so many horror stories about child abuse/abductions. Coleman says that “being a worrier can cause your husband to tune you out.” In order to overcome this worry, Liya needed to start pushing back against it in small steps. After a year of working at this, Liya was able to spend more and more time away from her children without worrying. After a year of “practice,” Liya was able to spend the weekend away from her kids without being terrified or guilt-ridden.
The Worried Husband
The worried husband is just like the worried wife, but he worries that something terrible will happen to his wife and children. The example in the book is a man named Mark. From the time Mark was a young boy, his parents put the burden of adult responsibilities on him; asking him for advice, worrying about paying the rent and treating him as if he was much older. In the beginning of his marriage, his wife found this constant worry as a sign of care, but as their children got older she felt weighed down by his constant worrying and inability to relax. Joshua Coleman gives a list of things you can do if you are in a relationship with someone like this: don’t criticize him for his worry, tease him if he’ll let you (if he has a good sense of humor), don’t allow his worries to rule the roost (household), and if his worries are extremely bad, have him talk to a doctor about being evaluated.
The Perfectionist Wife and Husband
Perfectionists often hold themselves at a high standard. Frequently, perfectionists come from families where nothing they did was ever good enough. The problem with being a perfectionist in a marriage is that you may feel like your husband is holding you at this hard to reach standard. A study done by Michelle Haring and Paul Hewitt found that wives who had perfectionist expectations of their husbands did not enjoy their marriage as much as wives with moderate expectations. If you are the wife of a perfectionist husband you may constantly feel controlled, dominated, or blamed; this can cause women to feel anxious, guilty, or depressed.
The Angry Husband
An angry husband may treat his wife very bad; he may be controlling, domineering, and make his wife feel belittled. He may also limit the time you spend away from him; time with friends or family members. Also, he may sexually blackmail his wife; use intimidation to get his wife to be sexual with him. Joshua Coleman says that “…some of the happiest marriages are those where couples fight. However, for every fight, these couples have at least five positive exchanges afterward.” If the relationship is mostly made up of fights and not enough positive exchanges, this is not a happy marriage. In order to get your husband to behave, you need to get strong enough to insist that he treat you better.
The Angry Wife
The angry wife is the complete opposite of the angry husband. Women that are angry tend to make their husbands feel belittled, resentful, and resistant to change. A common mind-frame from conflict-ridden children is “better to hurt them than to let them hurt you.” It is impossible to change through anger…instead change to make the other person happy. People in distressed marriages underestimate the amount of work their partners do by about 50 percent.
Sometimes I feel as if my fiancé is more a boy-husband than anything else. Every since he was younger he always had a hard time waking up to go to school or work. He loves to sleep in. I feel just like Lana because I set my alarm and wake him up in the morning, make sure he gets ready, and leaves on time. If I do not do this he will not look good at work and he may get fired. This is very detrimental for us because he is the only one working right now to support me and our daughter. I’m trying to follow the steps that Joshua Coleman gave in the chapter to change his ways. Now I am not perfect by far…I consider myself the Worried Wife (sometimes). I also relate to Liya because I am very paranoid about sending my daughter to a baby-sitter. I always told people that I will never trust her to be with someone that I do not know personally. My daughter means the world to me and I would rather stay home with her (and have no life) than have something happen to her under someone else’s watch.
Section 3: Team Presentation on Exercises
(By: Rebecca Alexander)
(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.
The exercise team discussed Dr. Laura’s view on gender, how women must dress and act sexy to appeal to their men’s wishes and sexual blackmail. The bottom line is that the team disagreed with Dr. Laura’s thoughts that women should cater to men’s requests. They described that thought as being a double edged sword; women should not be the only ones that are to “improve” themselves in the relationship; men should place effort and emphasis into their appearance and attitude in order to make women feel happy as well. There is more than one person in the relationship and many couples do not realize this.
(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.
Chloe Yogi discussed how Dr. Laura proposes that women should keep up with their appearance by keeping in shape, keeping her hair and makeup in style, having nice clothes- anything that will make her man happy. She should greet her husband at the door welcoming him into a quiet and clean home, taking his coat with a warm smile. Male Dominance radiates from Dr. Laura as she addresses her gender views, women are just barbies- everything should be perfect, tidy and to his liking, without expecting the same outcome as men. Chloe stated that she did not aggree with Dr. Laura on this view that the woman should be well kept while she makes no statement on the man keeping himself well and trim, which is consistant with the Male Dominance point of view.
Chloe was upfront upon her disagreement with Dr. Laura stating that she felt that there was a double standard in Dr. Laura’s views upon men and women. Men should equally keep their style and self upto date to please their woman, to make her feel as though her husband hasn’t given up after their honeymoon is over. What is more disappointing than a person involved in a relationship who does not wish to pamper themselves to make themselves and their partner look good.
Tracey Nieto introduced the topic of marriages regarding Dr. Laura’s youtube interview. She quoted an AOL poll that was conducted which asked: “Would you marry your huband again?” 44% of woman said Yes, 36% said I Don’t Know, 20% said No. Dr. Laura said that women who are unhappy in their marriages are bad wives because, they keep secrets from their husbands which allows questions and uncertainty to provoke husbands thoughts. Women are also considered by Dr. Laura to be bad wives if they do not pamper their husbands and routinely thank them for the hard work that they have done to support their family.
Dr. Laura stated that marriages are in trouble because people put themselves before their partners. They do not ask themselves what they could do to brighten their partners day, they think what can he or she do to brighten my day. In Dr. Laura’s opinion, women should shut up and just do what men want to make their marriage work, but this is just repressing women’s thoughts and values, having to put up with men without taking care of their needs first. Tracey addressed her disapprovement with Dr. Laura. Tracey exclaimed that Dr Laura is a woman, so she questioned Dr. Lauras intentions of staying on a male perspective; does she do so to make men feel that they are in power over women, or does she truly think that women should serve and honor their partners? Why do women have to routinely address their thankfulness to men, where are their hugs and kisses for cleaning the house or taking care of the children all day?
Nicole Salviejo explained Dr. Lauras view on the idea that women should cater to mens needs, giving him whatever he asks for without hesitation; meaning sex. It is the womans “job” in her view to grant him this need whenever he wants, because he works hard all day and he deserves to have sex . This thought can lead to sexual blackmail if the woman disagrees and does not give or act like she wants to have sex with her man. He may act “coldly” towards her, by leaving the room and not asking her how her day was or helping her prepare dinner. Women might see this act by men and turn their attitude around so that she acts like she wants to have sex to not escalate the situation into a fight or bad feelings. This will strengthen mens ego by having her crawl to him and fulfill his wants.
Men partake in sexual blackmail, being cold to the woman, disregarding her feelings and just keeping silent while she is still taking. When this occurs many women jump up and try to resolve the situation-believeing that it is their fault that men are now ignoring them. Men’s cold attitude should not be regarded with sympathy from the woman. Nicole discussed that Sexual Blackmail depicts women as being sex dolls: they have no brains, just figures posed to do whatever he wants. Her sympathy and attention to the man influences and encourages his behavior. Women should be able to stand up and put their foot down if they do not want to partake in that act. It is important for men to realize this is a hurtful strategy and that no relationship should be subjected to this treatment.
(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
Some ideas that I felt needed to be discussed in greater detail were what men could do to make women feel appreciated. The group presented clear ideas that the men could put down their work and take notice in their wife when they enter the room, but I still feel that women are still being subjected to jump up and run to their husbands, while men can take their time. Dr. Laura emphasizes a Male Dominance relationship, I would like to see her discuss what a couple could do together to make each other happy, instead of “What can I do to brighten my husbands day?” I would like to see her engage in a discussion about equity relationships to place emphasis on both members of the couple working hard to help please one another.
(d) What was the success of the approach they used?
The team was successful in reporting Dr. Laura’s views on gender. They held a positive bias while reading Section 8 Lecture Notes and disclosed their opinions until they had finished reading their sections. Their presentation was well; they introduced Dr. Laura’s views first, explaining everything that was to be said about her thoughts before diving into their objections of Dr. Laura. I enjoyed hearing each group member’s personal accounts of their opinions as they introduced their topics. Expressing ones thoughts is a great way to connect and create a rapport with the audience; to let them know that you are able to hold your own feelings which are not influenced by anyone else.
(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
There are no real improvements that are needed to be conducted in these procedures. My group members and I were able to clearly follow along with what was being asked of us. I followed the positive bias and read the lecture notes and instructions before I let any conflicting thoughts enter my head. The procedures and instructions are very clear, very well written and precise. I understood completely what was being asked of me and I did not have trouble concluding my opinions and thoughts in relation to this project.
(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?
The limitations that are present in these exercises are that Dr. Laura does not go through life with a positive bias. She has her own bias against women apparently, which I do not understand since she is one!! She should be enlightened into this course, and learn how great it is to be apart of a marriage that is equal. In our case, there are no limitations for these exercises in this course. We do hold a positive bias as we integrate the lecture notes into lecture and exercises and it allows us to ponder and think of how it relates to our own lives. I enjoy open ended exercises which allow one to be able to think critically and in depth of what the question is really trying to have us get at.
The group was able to take these questions and exercises and make it their own, able to elaborate their perceptions, giving us a chance to be able to take a quick peek into what they think and how they feel of the material that they are presenting. It is very interesting to see if the presenters hold the same views that I hold, and if not, it is important to be able to obtain a positive bias and respect others opinions.
(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
After watching her youtube clip, I felt very strongly that Dr. Laura was centered on the Male Dominance perspective of marriage. She explains that men and women should put their relationship first before themselves to nurture their marriage. I disagree, I feel that you must put yourself before others; you need to love and take care of yourself before you can love and take care of someone else. This is because, if you are feeling down and not happy, how would you have the patience and energy to cheer someone else up? Dr. Laura descried a couple rolling over and greeting each other in bed in the morning: she explained that the couple should tell themselves “What can I do today to make this person happy, and love life?” I feel that this is too idealistic; it is putting the woman in a situation that she should follow the man’s wishes, blatantly addressing what the woman should do, while not what the man should do.
When she was pressed by the interviewer Dr. Laura did suggest things that men could do, such as coming up to the woman and touching her hair and giving her compliments. In my opinion, I think that is far fetched- most men would not take the effort to compliment their woman, let alone touch her in a warm way, because it should be “known” by the woman that he cares about her, without him having to say so. I feel that woman, including me, have tried to address men’s wishes; to do what they want or else they their relationship would fail, since she is not making him feel like a king, like a real man. This is really sad. Why should women feel that they must pamper her man, give him sex whenever he wants, dress up sexy, have the home in order, while she may have a full plate of school or work as well as kids, while he works or goes to school as well. It is a double standard that says women should do this extra step to fulfill his needs while she may have the same or even more work to do.
As I mentioned, I have fallen into that trap of Male Dominance. In my prior relationship I felt as if I had to dress nice when we went out; including having my hair done, perfect makeup, dressing sexy with heels, while he just wore regular pants and a t-shirt. He told me that he wanted me to dress that way because I was “his.” I did this because I felt that he would not love me anymore and I felt that I would lose him if I did not follow what he wanted. This was a trap that I was involved in. I realized that women should dress and act as they want regardless if men agree with them or not. In true relationships, the men should love the woman for who she is, if she decides one day that she just wants to wear sweats and not have her hair done, he should realize that she does not have to dress nicely all the time, she should dress as she wants to be comfortable. He should appreciate all of the things she does for him, the little things that make all the difference.
When I asked my friends what they felt of Dr. Laura, both guys and girls agreed with me. I told them to adopt a positive bias as I explained to them Dr. Laura’s views, so that they would not make judgments until they heard all of the descriptions. My girlfriend and guy friend both felt that men do hold this view point, that they can control their woman to act in a certain way to his liking, and if she does not, he would become emotionally distant which is the ultimate disgrace for woman. They felt that there should be a reciprocal balance; men should be able to help out as well, tidying the home and helping with parenting while the woman relaxes and has a beer, not only requesting the women to be at his beck and call every moment of every day.
Section 4: Annotated Web Links
Steps to Healing a
Marriage: This is a website
that talks about steps you can take when you are attempting to heal your
marriage after trust is broken.
Marriage: This is a
site where you can fill out different check lists, etc to evaluate your
marriage. There is a self giving section, narcissism and mistrust checklists,
anger inventories, etc.
3. Trust and Marriage: This website discusses the importance of trust in a marriage. It also discusses how deception is the biggest destroyer of trust and how to rebuild it.
4. Ten Commandments for Husbands and Wives: This website gives Ten Commandments that both husbands and wives need to follow. I think Commandments 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, and 8 for the husbands reflect the unity model of marriage very well. However, Commandments 6, 8, and 9 for the wives reflect the male dominance phase of marriage.
5. Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Blog: Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband, has his readers write in with questions or comments about topics relating to his book(s). Some of the topics discussed revolve around housework, chores, money, and parenting differences.
6. The Husband is the Head of the Wife? This article discusses the questions about “Is the husband the head of the wife?” This question relates to the model of Male Dominance in which the husband is the one who controls everything in the family.
7. Discourses of Opposition to Marriage Equality: This article discusses about equality between men and women and their role in marriage. They said that the society has been struggle with equality between sexes.
8. The Simple Truths about Falling and Living in Love: Dr Brenda Shoshanna is a relationship expert who shares her knowledge of how to fall and stay in love. She recommends several coping strategies and even offers a spiritual option for those who are open to it.
9. How to Attract and Create a Lasting Relationship With the Kind of Person You Have Always Wanted: This article presents several tips for couples who would like to strengthen relationships with the one that they love. It is important to be a good listener and always stay positive when talking with your partner.
10. Making Marriage Work: This article provides 7 steps in recommendation to help make marriages work. They give examples of how happy and successful couples cope with problems and work to resolve their differences.
11. Men, Women, and Gender Roles in Marriage: This article speaks of relationships and their role with God. Spiritually insightful helpful hints are given to couples to work together and be happy with one another under God’s Will. This is a great example of a Male Dominance fueled relationship, and the positive steps that the woman makes in order to reach equity to have her husband understand her. She resists sexual blackmail and cold hearted resistance.
who submits to her husband is free to suggest directions or to question
and challenge his direction. She is obligated to point out when she believes he is
violating God's will. But she would turn away from self-willed resistance or