“The Spirit of the Unity Model”
This is Report 6
Author:
Co Authors:
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor,
Link to class home page
Section 1: Lecture Content
(By: Xuying Zhang)
There are two
versions of psychology. One is the
negative bias which leads to materialism and non-theistic and the other is one
is the positive bias which leads to dualism and theistic. The unity model of marriage is theistic and
it’s based on Swedenborg’s writings.
Dualism perspective focuses on the connection between this material life
that we are living in and the spiritual life after we die. According to Swedenborg, he had interviewed
many spiritual couples in heaven whom had lived thousands of years ago. The spiritual couples appeared to be ONE.
They were forever together with their young heart and happier each day
than the previous day.
Swedenborg was
gifted to visit both the spiritual heaven and hell. He reported that there are other people in
heaven and hell; we are not going to be alone.
After we die, our physical form (our bodies) will disappear and then we
will either go to live in the spiritual heaven or spiritual hell from
there. We all have spiritual body within
our physical body. Our sensations,
feelings, ideas are not in our physical body, but in our spiritual body. The spiritual body already exists in our
physical body when we were born.
Just like we have
physical things surrounds our physical body, there are spiritual things
surrounds our spiritual body. See diagram
below:
Heat light
G
T
A
C
In the Spiritual world, there is a spiritual
sun just like the physical sun which provide light and
heat for lives in heaven. G stands for
good. T stands for Truth. A means affective and C means cognitive. Affective and Cognitive can only to be
reached through Good and Truth.
Personal Opinion:
This is the first
time I heard about the positive and negative bias in psychology. I don’t want to believe that the science I
have been learning through all these years of education is just negative
bias. But I do think it is possible that
Swedenborg’s reports are true and he did go to the spiritual heaven and
interview these couples. It is also
possible that Swedenborg was given by God and he had a spiritual experimental laboratory to see and report the spiritual
heaven on earth. Because I’m still
living in a physical world and cannot see what is going to happen after I die,
so anything is possible. I would like to
adopt the idea that there is a spiritual heaven and wish that I can go and live
there with my beloved one forever and ever.
The unity model of marriage is based on dualist approach in the positive
bias of science.
When two people met
and fall in love with each other, they will automatically start a spiritual
process to become mentally intimate.
Their mental organs learn how to function with each other and they
become interdependent in their mental organs. Relationships that are in male dominance and
equity level cannot achieve this interdependence of each other because they are
in the lower layers of their mental organs.
Only couples who are at the unity phase could reach this inmost mental
organ called heavenly.
Individuals who did
not find a soul mate when they were alive will be given the opportunity to find
one and conjoin with that person in the after life. This is the conjugial love by which they desire to be interdependent
affectively more than being independent which defined as angel by
Swedenborg. He interviewed many angel
couples and the unity model is based on the characteristics he found in
their relationship. They were always
conjoined with each other no matter where they were.
Personal Opinion:
When I fell in love
with my boyfriend, I felt that he was trying to conjoin with me
constantly. He wanted to know where I
was and what I was doing, so on and so forth.
But because of my background, I was a little rejected to this. I didn’t like the idea that he ask for my
opinions about everything. I was not use
to that. But now, as I started to learn
more about the unity model, I started to change myself. I think it’s a good idea that he wants to
communicate with me constantly which means he wants to conjoin with me which
will lead us to a happier relationship.
When we die, within
a few hours, we will awaken in the spiritual world and live there in
eternity. The life of immortality is
either in the heavens of our mind or in the hells of our mind. It all depends on ourselves that which traits
we want to hold on to in this physical life.
If we cannot let go the hellish traits then after this life, we are
going to end up in the spiritual hell.
Swedenborg also visited the spiritual hell where he described as couples
do not love each other, constantly fighting over power and abuse each
other.
Dr. James started to
experience and changed his life after reading Swedenborg’s reports. He changed his attitude toward his wife. He used to be at the equity level and
sometimes male dominance level. He
wanted to keep his independence and didn’t want to conjoin with his wife. His wife was experiencing loneliness of her
mental intimacy. After Dr. James through
away all of his hellish traits, he could start conjoin with his wife and their
marriage had improved tremendously.
Personal
Opinion:
After I read this
section, I feel that I don’t know if I’m going to end up in heaven and live
their happily ever after with my beloved one, but I definitely don’t want to
end up in hell forever. I don’t want to
fight with someone constantly for power or anything. I want everything in harmony and
peaceful. I was also very interesting to
know more about how Dr. James changed himself and improved their marriage.
There are three important benefits for women in
the unity model of marriage:
n
It
allows women to see more clearly where and why men are resistant in the
relationship.
n
Women
can see more clearly how the man’s resistant to mental intimacy affects the
women’s own peace and self-confidence.
n
Women
can see more clearly where they can use rationality to apply mental pressure
towards the man so that he can become more motivated to get rid of his
resistance to conjunction and intimacy.
In
the process of unification, woman’s role is central and needs to be understood by
the men, so he can cooperate with her.
Man’s role is not to weaken the woman’s self-confidence. Man needs to give the woman the right and
propriety of her affective interventions.
He must control his resistance, do not ever attack or punish the woman for doing her job which is
saving him from falling into hell. When
woman try help her man, she may be appeared to be
angry at him. It looks like she is angry
at him, but in fact that’s not anger, it’s zeal. Anger is a hellish trait. Zeal is a heavenly trait. Real man remains calm and understands her
feelings during her explosive reactions of zeal. The man can also help his wife by giving up
more of his power and tell her about his feelings, plans, expectations,
etc. If he allows his wife to influence
him, then he is one step closer to their intimacy and eternal marriage.
Women are not
expecting the men can stop their anti-unity values and habits immediately. They are smart enough to know that this
process will take time and effort to accomplish.
Personal
Opinion:
I do agree that men
should be supportive to their woman in any situation at anytime. Women are very sensitive especially when it
comes to love, romance, and relationship.
Women need to be supported by their men because that’s person she is
planning to spend the rest of her life and even eternally with. If the man is not on her side, then she would
feel there is nobody on her side, not even her loved one. She will lose her confidence about
everything.
In the unity model
the definition of spiritual marriage
depends on the mental anatomy of men and women.
A couple has to have a natural marriage, and then they could enter the
spiritual marriage where their minds are also conjoined which is called the
spiritual mind. Therefore, natural
marriages are in the natural mind, and spiritual marriages are in the spiritual
mind.
Outside of the unity
model, spiritual marriage means something completely different. In fact, it is opposite as spiritual marriage
in the unity model. People often refer
spiritual marriage to “love without sex”, but according to Swedenborg, couples
living in heaven are all enjoying their conjugial love and marital
sexuality.
Personal
Opinion:
This section of the
lecture notes gives a different point of view of spiritual marriage which is
opposite as the meaning we use to refer.
Spiritual marriage is in the spiritual world. I kind of want to know what the spiritual world
is look like. For now it’s hard for me
to picture the spiritual world.
Unity—when wife and husband affective intimacy. They
are in a spiritual marriage which last in eternity. They are conjoint with each other.
Anti-Unity
Values – anti-intimacy
between partners. The husband resist
to have intimacy with the wife.
Some
Unity value examples:
- married before living together
- having children after married
- consider each others’ value, beliefs,
religion, etc
- partner is more important than anyone
else
- do not flirt with other people
- having same interests and shared
activities
- do not leave partner and go other with
other friends
- never verbally, mentally, physically
abuse each other
- do not interrupt each other when they
talk
- always support each other’s decisions
- never participate in girls only or boys
only activities
- never make it looks like what women
think or say is less important
- always tell each other their feelings
- always try to conjoint with each other
- etc. etc
Some
AUV examples:
- living together without married
- having children without married
- making each other jealous on purpose
- put same sex friends place ahead of
their partner
- flirting with other men or women
- keeping secretes from each other
- making it look normal for a man to abuse
women
- participating in boy only or girl only
activities
- making it look like what women say is
less important
- want to be independent
- not trying to conjoint with each other
- promoting the idea that men are more
rational than women
- accepting the idea that it’s okay to
“agree to disagree”
- infidelity for any reason
- etc. etc
Personal Opinion:
I have been, or
maybe we all have been seeing these AUV ideas through media. I think my generation is the generation
learns so much from media. For example,
how girls are dress themselves. They
adopt the idea that slutty is sexy. Through the MTVs,
online games, TV shows, we have been given the idea of sexy which is the male’s
perspective of sexy. Men like to see
women to show as much of their bodies as possible, so we ended up seeing
beautiful women with as little cloths as possible on television and labeled as
“sexy”. We all know how much the media
is influencing our lives, so we ended up seeing all these “sexy” girls on the
street. I personally believe that sexy
is something comes from inside, not the physical body form.
Section 2: Team Presentation on Readings
(By: Caitlin Botelho)
Generation 23
Reports
The two reports that
I examined from Generation 23 were from Jennifer Funtanilla
and Emilee Patinio.
Between the two of them, questions (from Dr. James) number 1, 2, 3, 11, and
14 were covered.
Q 1: It is
sometimes wrongly asserted that men have less feelings than women. Show that
this is not true by discussing the threefold self and the role of the affective
in relation to the cognitive and sensorimotor.
A: Men and women are able to form a bond if they unite
at all three levels of the self; the sensorimotor self involves the overt
behavior between men and women and the cognitive self involves the thinking and
reasoning of each partner in the relationship. Men have the same amount of
emotions and feelings as women but they are not as aware of them nor do they
want to take the time to examine their feelings. Women, on the other hand, are more in tune
with what they are feeling because they spend time figuring that out. Jennifer brings up a movie in which the girl
cried the whole time and the boy did not cry at all. The girl was stunned that they did not share
the same feelings, but in reality they did, but they expressed them very
differently.
Q14: (a) Describe
the unity model in relation to the eternal significance of marriage and the
mental state of the couple’s three fold self. (b) Describe any resistance you have
experienced regarding the unity model, (i) the idea
of unity as a higher state of life than all others, (ii) the eternal
significance of marriage, (iii) Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in
heaven. (c) Describe the reactions
of friends when you tell them about the unity model of marriages in
heaven. (d) How has the unity
model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think class members
acquire when studying the unity model in this course?
A: The unity
model is based on conjugial love which is a spiritual connection between a man
and woman that exists only when the couple has conjoined at all three levels of
the self. When this happens, the couple
is able to be with each other for eternity in the spiritual world. A couple must have mental intimacy to reach
the unity model of marriage: men need to recognize the ways in which they add to
their wives mental distress. If a man is
able to do this, he will be able to achieve unity with his wife through the
affective self.
Jennifer felt no resistance towards the idea of unity
as a higher state of life than all others because she believes that one can
connect with another at all three levels of the self. She has never experienced it for herself but
she doesn’t think any other experience could top that. Jennifer also had no strong objections to the
idea of the eternal significance of marriage because she believes there is life
after death. However, she feels that if
a husband and wife have reached the unity model but the husband dies and the
wife remarries she WILL be able to love her husband but not the same way as her
first. With Swedeborg’s
observation of marriages, Jennifer felt like it was far fetched and thinks that
it is somewhat hard to believe. She is
skeptical on that part.
The unity model of marriage has opened Jennifer’s eyes
to the wonderful experiences that men and women could have together. She thinks the women in her class that were
married at the time are the ones that benefited the most from taking this class
because they were able to evaluate their relationships and see which level they
were on.
Q2: Contrast
the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tanned in Gender issues,
Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband and James in the Unity
Model of Marriage. (b) Your
analysis should also include a chart or table that shows the differences
between the four books in a systematic way.
A: Deborah
Tannen views gender relationships along the lines of
dominance and equity. She talks about
the different ways that men and women communicate with each other (linguistic
relationship). Dr. Schlessinger
depicts relationships from the male dominance model. According to her, women should be happy that
men provide for them and cater to his needs.
Joshua Coleman tries to aim towards the equity model and believes that
women need to try to understand men more.
Finally Dr. Swedenborg relates to the unity model of marriage. He believes that marriage is till eternity
and does not end at death. He had the
ability to go into his spiritual mind to see how others lived their life with
conjugial love.
|
|
Man
vs. Woman |
Conjugal
vs. Conjugial |
Method
of Solving Arguments |
Model
of Marriage |
|
Tannen |
Man |
Conjugal |
Dominant wins |
Dominance/Equity |
|
Schlessinger |
Man |
Conjugal |
Man is right |
Dominance |
|
Coleman |
Man=Woman |
Conjugal |
Both listen
to the others views |
Equity/Dominance |
|
Swedenborg |
Woman=Man |
Conjugial |
Man does what
he can to make wife happy |
Unity |
Q3: A husband and wife seem to get along real well
together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends,
etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and
hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what
is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the
theory given in the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse
this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure
to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint
self, as explained in the Lecture Notes. (d) The unity model says
that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data
to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview
several women of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a
checklist consisting of 10 to 20 items that highlight what the women have said
about their experiences with men's resistance to intimacy. Discuss the list and
what it can be used for.
A: Husbands
and wives do not have trouble enjoying the same activities; this is why they
are a couple to begin with. When the
couple becomes closer cognitively and affectively, this turnabout can happen.
They lack to cognitive capacity to think like their partner. Married couples can reverse this process by
following the unity model of marriage. Dr.
James says that the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through
differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of both
partners and it is a spiritual bond that lasts forever.
Below is
the table that Emilee uses to show what women have said about men’s resistance
to intimacy.
Woman 1 Woman 2 Woman
3
Woman 4
|
Do you and Your Partner Fight Often? |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
Does your guy Usually see things your way
when resolving the issue? |
NO |
NO |
Sometimes |
Yes |
|
Is your guy mentally intimate as well as
physically? |
NO |
No |
If it comes
with a reward, or only because I reinforce it |
If I ask
him a question he’ll give me an honest answer |
|
Have you and your Partner talked about
being together for eternity? |
No |
No |
No |
Jokingly |
|
Do you think your partner would willingly
accept conjugial love? |
NO |
No |
I could see
him practicing some of its specs but not totally committing to it. |
He treats
me in that manner on his own, it might take him time but its possible |
Q11: Explain
what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual
blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this
concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know
react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their
reactions and comments?
A: Sexual blackmail
is a “rule” stating that a woman should give her husband sex whenever he wants
it, making the wife feel like a slave. When Emilee first heard about sexual
blackmail she thought it was degrading towards women and now feels that it is
wrong and should never be tolerated. The
people she talked to about sexual blackmail also felt like it was ridiculous
and that sex shouldn’t be treated as a reward or punishment which she
completely agrees with. Emilee points
out that Dr. Schlessinger’s view on the wife giving
the husband sex whenever he wants it has some mental abuse on the woman.
Personal Opinion
While I was reading these past reports, I was reminded
of everything that we have learned in class thus far. It was very interesting to read other
people’s opinions on this class and what it is taught them. I agree with Jennifer for the most part on
that I think the unity model of marriage is a great thing to strive for and I
am glad that I was opened to a new learning experience. As for Swedenborg, I too am a little
skeptical that he was able to go back and forth between the spiritual world and
the natural world. I am one of those
people that does not believe that people are capable
of doing that, but I guess I just have to experience it to believe it.
I enjoyed reading Emilee’s views on the different
authors of this class. I agree
completely with her and her opinions on each author. I really enjoyed being able to read these
different books in class and to get a different opinion from each person. I will say that I enjoyed reading Joshua
Coleman’s book The Lazy Husband the
best because it seemed like he was favoring the women more, at least towards
the equity model.
Sexual blackmail…I think everyone that hears about
sexual blackmail in the terms of this class agrees that it is devastating and
morally wrong. As a woman, I would hate
the feeling of being sexually blackmailed.
It is so sad to know that Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
a WOMAN, basically promotes the idea of sexual blackmail. I would have thought that all women would
“band together” to avoid things like that.
I believe that all people should be taught about sexual blackmail, to
possibly help the problem, since it goes on quite often in many relationships.
Section 3: Team Presentation on Exercises
(By: Allison Ozaki)
(a) Summarize the main ideas presented
by the team.
The main idea presented by the team was the basis
for conjunctive conversation. They explained the four rules for conjugial
conversation and described what happened when they asked their friends about
the approached. They also discussed a video about a boy and a girl going
out on a date and the differences in the preparation for it. After, they also
explained their friend’s reaction to the description of the video.
(b) Describe what they did and how they
interpreted it.
The team asked their friends about how they felt
about the four rules and the video. They interpreted their reactions to the
limited knowledge of the Unity Model of Marriage. Also, they are in natural
relationships and do not know yet about conjugial marriages.
(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a
better justification or greater amplification.
The ideas
they present were good and well explained. They could have given more depth
into explanations for their friend’s reaction to the four rules and to the
video, but overall I thought the presentation was satisfactory.
(d) What was the success of the approach they
used?
The team had mixed results. When they explained the
four rules and video to their women friends, they responded positively and said
the video was pretty accurate. But their male friends were less receptive. Some
went on to say that the men were “whipped” or had no backbone and said that the
video exaggerated the behaviors of men.
(e) What improvements are needed in the
procedures or in the instructions?
The procedures and instructions were pretty
descriptive and easy to understand. I see no need for improvements.
(f) What are the limitations of these types
of exercises?
The limitations of these types of exercises were the
people the team asked. They had no understanding of what the Unity Model of
Marriage was and therefore could not have given any answer except the one
expected.
(g) Describe what happened when you did some
of the steps of the exercises.
My results were representative of the team’s
results. The women were much more receptive and the men were less enthusiastic
about following the suggestions in the steps. The men also looked at the
examples as weak and whipped, not giving them much respect, but this is due to
the lack of understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. The people I asked
also had a hard time.
Section 4: Annotated Web Links
(By: All students)
1. Talk With Eachother, Not At Eachother
http://marriage.about.com/od/communicationtips/a/conversation.htm
When a couple reaches
the point of not having anything to say to one another, their marriage is in
serious trouble. Here are some tips on why conversation in a marriage is so
essential, and topics to talk about.
2. Kludging
the Marriage Conversation
http://www.marriageconversation.com/read/articles/?page=Kludging_the_Marriage_Conversation.html
How to deter divorce by good conversations. Conversations
by married couples about divorce to show how to avoid it.
3. Phases for Miscommunication
http://www.mattkramermediation.com/pages/commun.html
Examples of miscommunication and
examples of good communication by married couples.
http://marriage.suite101.com/article.cfm/when_women_try_to_change_men
A few ways men resist change in
relationships and how women can learn to “deal with men’s faults.”
5. Gender Differences in Marriage
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=225932938175802672
This man from the Word of Life
Institute talks about the differences between men and women in marriage.
6. Relationships and Emotional Intelligence
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/improve_relationships.htm
Learn the five emotional
intelligence skills necessary to build a great relationship and help fix
possible relationship problems.
7. Spiritual Marriage, The
Purpose of Marriage
http://alternativespirituality.suite101.com/article.cfm/spiritual_marriage
This article answers questions like “What
is the true purpose of marriage?” “Is happiness the most important reason to
marry?” “Or to avoid loneliness?” “How can a marriage
become a spiritual one?”
8. Four Keys to a Spiritual Marriage
http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/spiritualmarriage.htm
This article talks about how to have
a successful spiritual marriage, however this is a different spiritual marriage
than the one examined in this class. This
spiritual marriage refers to God in one’s marriage.
9. Spiritual Marriage
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_marriage
This website gives the definition of
spiritual marriage which is the opposite of our definition of spiritual
marriage in this class.
10. Creating a Spiritual Marriage
http://www.susankramer.com/SpiritualMarriage.html
This website gives great detail of
how to create a spiritual marriage with your spouse.