Communication
is Key
Report 3
J.
Garcia, B.Nacapoy,
A.Valenzuela
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor, University of Hawaii
Section 1 Lecture
A.
Valenzuela
Basic Ennead Chart of Interaction
The
Basic Ennead Matrix: The Nine Zones in Marriage
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
PHASE THAT
GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
MALE DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
The ennead chart displays the nine subsequent stages/steps to achieve unity in
marriage. The chart shows that to reach the unity model cells 7-9 are not
attainable without going through the preceding equity and dominance
phases. However, a couple can interact through any of the nine zones
depending on the situation.
Notice that the intersecting cells are made when the individual tracks events
of the threefold self of the wife and husband on their way to unity. It’s
important to understand the Basic Ennead Chart of Interaction because it can be
used or considered in ones everyday thinking about relationships, his or her
own, or those of others.
In the chart the columns represent the threefold self and the rows represent
the models or philosophies of the partner’s interactions. They are
conceptualized in relation to each other by the chart. By referring to
the interactions and philosophies as models, it is meant that they are models
in the way that the individual’s habits and attitudes operate on a subconscious
level learned and standardized by culture and socialization models. This mental
standardization is based on mental scripts drawn from group practices and
social practices that people follow. It creates an “averageness”
of these kinds of social interactions.
In psychology there is an expression called the social desirability
effect in interviews that says an individual avoids giving socially undesirable
answers and gives answers that would be more acceptable if not
preferable. People try hard to hide or avoid becoming aware of their bad
habits and mental practices and are naturally unwilling to change
themselves. People love themselves for who they and are governed by their
loves so it makes sense that they would stand up for their ideas, for
themselves, and surround themselves with friends who accept them for who they
are. Now it should be more visible to see how the interactions of married
couples placed in the cells 1 through 6 are learned behaviors of the threefold
self.
Couples
within a community or family are social copies or typical "models" of
each other, even though each couple varies. There is a main system of
group practices shared by all married threefold-selves in a community and
inside that system there are sub-systems that characterize social varieties of
interactions between married partners. Husbands rely on the traditional
coercive power and expectations to oblige their wife to be submissive, without
consideration of her feelings.
The
husband who behaves in the dominance phase is closest to his wife in the sensorimotor zone of interaction in cell 1. While the
wife is being physically intimate with her husband, simultaneously she is not
being intimate with him at the cognitive and affective zones 2 and 3.
This guide is "coercive" because the wife does not have the
opportunity to share her thoughts and feelings about the sensorimotor
obedience. She gets punished in various ways such as physical threat,
verbal abuse, or being abandoned, if she does not behave as expected and that
is why she is motivated to behave accordingly. The male dominance phase depends
on sensorimotor coercion of women and suppression of
her cognitive and affective behavior, unless allowed.
It is the
wife or girlfriend has the objective view because she reacts to everything he
does or fails to do. That’s why a rational and gentlemanly thing for a
man to do is to listen to the wife, instead of rejecting and disagreeing with
what she says.
When a man
says “I love you” to a woman he takes on a chain of obligations. If he
tries to undergo these obligations he is a gallant man, a real man, a contended
man trying to move to a spiritual marriage and the women cannot resist.
When
partners relate to each other through negotiation, their intimacy is focused on
the cognitive level. When the intimacy is focused on the cognitive, zone
5, the wife may share an equal role since she is a smart at negotiator wants to
be fair in negotiation processes, the man can still revert to the male
dominance phase whenever he feels like it. Then, there is not much the
female can do because the man has broken cognitive intimacy, breaking their
friendship. They have reverted to the male dominance phase where she may feel
sexually blackmailed.
If the man
changes and sticks to the equity phase the couple can
grow toward being fully conjoined and intimate in their threefold self. If the
husband adopts a new way of interacting with his wife, and the new way has to
do with his thinking about eternity as a couple, they can under the equity
phases, zones 4, 5, 6.
In the
unity model of interaction zones 7throught 9, the husband allows the wife's
feminine intelligence to lead his own intelligence whenever they encounter a
disagreement with each other. This behavior is called affective intimacy
emphasized in zone 9. He will be able to stay in the unity model
for more of his interactions with his wife if he practices conjunctive
behaviors. However, this behavior form the man must be voluntary.
It arises when he becomes spiritually enlightened from the wish to
conjoin eternally to his wife. The man would then be willing to let go of
his independent self for the conjoint self. The new conjoint self
means he no longer is an independent person or human being.
By first
achieving cognitive conjunction he will find out how she thinks about things,
what she prefers, and if he wants to make her happy, he will be able to do what
she wants. Only then will he be her soul-mate, her and unified at all three
levels of human conjunction.
The couple
can develop momentous benefits throughout the lengthy process of maturing their
conjoint self.
This
romantic love and inmost confidence they have with each other is felt as a
spiritual conjunction or love. This experience opens their spiritual
rationality and intelligence, and changes their mental anatomy and physiology.
Men and women in love spend some of their interactions in the unity
zones. The husband is romantic, friendly, attentive, generous, and is
careful to inhibit some of his grosser traits and habits.
Section 2 Readings
J.
Garcia
Lecture Notes 16c: Conversational Rules for Husbands
in Conjugial Interactions
Conjugial love can best be described as
innermost friendship. In a Unity Model
marriage, it is not only important to love each other; you must also like each
other. The key to any friendship and a good relationship is communication.
Brandi presented the rules for husbands in conjugial interactions for us in the
first part of the oral report on readings.
I will summarize these rules, but they can also be found in the lecture
notes by Dr. James at the above link.
Rule One: be reactive and friendly while your wife is talking. A tip given for the husbands is to act
like you are always on your first date. At that point in the relationship the
man is trying to convince the woman he is right for her, and is very attentive.
If he pretends to be on a permanent date with his wife he will be an active
listener.
Rule Two: deny himself the right to express disagreement with
her. A man does this at work with his
superior, yet he resists it at home with his wife. It is often a male dominance
double standard, to expect the wife to give up what she wants while the male
refuses to do the same.
Rule Three: create an atmosphere for open
conversation. The husband
should be willing to let the wife jump topics and say whatever is on her mind,
without feeling oppressed. She should
feel free and safe.
Rule Four: use the conversation as a method of
enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in heart and stimulated in mind. A female loves
to hear what the male thinks when he is using his rational mind. Conversation
shows how and what we think, a husband needs to value what a wife has to say.
As long as the husband is trying, a wife will be patient and forgiving.
I agreed with Brandi’s personal
reaction to these rules: that a husband should take into consideration a wife’s
thoughts and feelings before speaking and sharing his thoughts. I also believe
a wife should be willing to do the same, and see a husband’s point of view
too. Dr. James shared that he tries to
“express his views without denying hers.”
The ultimate goal of the husband is to rationally express his views.
Gender & Discourse by Deborah Tannen
Chapter 4 pages
137-173
Conversational
Strategy and Metastrategy in a Pragmatic Theory
The Example of Scenes from a Marriage
In this chapter Tannen and a former
professor of hers, Robin Lakoff, look at conversational differences between
males and females using the play Scenes
from a Marriage by Bergman. In her
oral presentation, Caitlin summarized this chapter while looking for the use or
absence of the four rules discussed in the lecture notes by Dr. James, and
above. Tannen and Lakoff first discuss
three communicative styles used by the characters in the play, Mariann and
Johan. These styles are distance,
difference, camaraderie and clarity.
Marianne uses a combination of difference and camaraderie, often talking
and acting childish, and asking a string of questions without giving adequate
time for a response. Johan uses
distance, via sarcasm, irony, generalization and abstraction. There is great disjunction in this relationship,
with Johan often putting his needs before Marianne’s. There are examples of
this disjunction throughout all six scenes of the play. The following is just a couple of examples
Caitlin shared with us.
In Scene Two Marianne says to Johan
“One must speak out, however painful it is. Don’t you think?” to which he
replies, “Hell, yes. What time is it?” This breaks rule one, he is not being
reactive and friendly, he is not actively responding to her question. By asking what time it is, he is changing the
subject and not participating in the conversation she is trying to have.
Johan often asks Marianne questions
that make her angry. This breaks rule four, he is not focusing on his wife and
enhancing her mood with conversation, he is in fact
doing just the opposite, and making her mood worse by making her angry.
The authors also introduce us to
pragmatic synonymy, homonymy, and identity. Their use of these can be seen
throughout the play.
pragmatic synonymy- use of
different linguistic devices to achieve similar ends
Example: Johan
uses shares his opinions and is judgmental, while Marianne uses avoidance to
keep from addressing the real issues in their marriage.
pragmatic homonymy- use similar
linguistic devices to achieve different ends
Example: both
characters use long streams of questions; however Marianne uses this device to
avoid answers, while Johan uses the questions to taunt Marianne.
pragmatic identity- use the same
device toward the same end
Example: in one
scene after discussing divorce, they both decide to just go to sleep and not
deal with the decision.
It is clear to us that this couple
is not conjoined, with their obvious lack of communication. Johan breaks all of the rules for husbands in conjugial interactions.
More
Than Just “I do” Report 2 by Paige Kim, G25
The final presenter of the oral
report on readings was Kimberly. She covered a report from Generation 25 that
can be found at the above link. The
report discussed an article titled Secrets
to a Happy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne.
The author gives three rules he believes every happy marriage need. Kimberly discussed these rules and how the
fit into the stages leading to a Unity Model of Marriage.
Rule One: no hidden accounts. This includes savings accounts, investments,
and any other money either partner may have. He believes if you don’t hide your
money from each other you are both equally empowered, and that equality equals
intimacy. tKimberly believes his rule falls under the
equity model of marriage. I agree.
Rule Two: good communication skills. Husbands are
encourages to get rid of “man language” and explain themselves. This at first
appears to fall under the Unity Model, as the wife desires a deeper
communication. However he goes on to say “a woman’s opinion is just as
important as a man’s.” This places the relationship back in the Equity phase.
Rule Three: praise spouse in public and private. Words are very
powerful. If a partner feels valued and loved they feel more secure in a
relationship. If a partner uses hurtful words this can affect them mentally and
the relationship will suffer. In the article it is emphasized that both spouses
should praise the other, which places this rule in the Equity phase.
This report also covered a May 13,
1955 article from Housekeeping Monthly titled The Good Wife’s Guide. It had a list of tips for wives as far as
what to do to be prepared for their husband when he arrives home after work.
Here are a couple of their tips:
- Don't ask him questions
about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the
master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and
truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- Don't complain if he's
late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
compared to what he might have gone through that day.
- Make the evening his.
Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of
entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and
pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
- Listen to him. You may
have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not
the time. Let him talk first -remember, his topics of conversation are more
important than yours.
- Be a little gay and a
little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your
duties is to provide it.
All of these tips are a
clear example of the Male Dominance stage. The entire focus is on the husband,
and the woman is expected to please him and show no discomfort of her own, no
matter what. We all laugh and find these
tips hard to believe, but in 1955 these tips were accepted without question by
most if not all wives. While there is
still a large portion of relationships in the Male Dominance phase, we are
moving toward a wider acceptance of the Equity Phase. Kimberly speculated that this trend could
continue, and in the future there could be a wider acceptance of the Unity
Model.
This led to a class
discussion on mate selection and the evolutionary theory. In this theory marriage is seen as a
reproductive alliance. Males want to spread their seed, while females want
long-term relationships to ensure care for their offspring. The common double standard of the Male Dominance
stage is supported by the evolutionary theory.
We discussed whether or not males can overcome the desire to “spread
their seed” and commit to just one female. We also discussed the possibility of
females looking for more suitable mates every 4 – 7 years. It was agreed upon that the difficulty for a
male to advance through the stages leading up to the Unity Model depended on
his own belief as to why he acts the way he does.
I do believe all males
are capable of committing to one female, I think it is a question of finding
the right female, and being willing to work at a relationship.
Section 3 Exercises
B.
Nacapoy
(a)
Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.
The main points
presented by the team were from exercises 6.1.
Each member of the team presented their own sections in relation to the
Unity Model of Marriage. Discussed were conjunctive
behaviors, when the couple doesn’t disagree and they are both striving to
reach the unity phase with the male’s emphasis on accepting his wife or
girlfriend’s needs, wants, and desires.
This also involves the man trying to make every attempt to care for and
acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of his partner. Disjunctive behaviors are when the
couple disagree and argue which therefore results in a lack of mental intimacy
between partners. The male and female go
through different processes of conjoining the threefold self. Women naturally want to conjoin and by this
innate nature to do so, the woman will do everything they can to conjoin
with their partner. Men on the other
hand try to resist conjoining at first to retain their independence and self
from “giving in” to the woman’s desires.
When the man is ready, he will realize that he does not lose his
independence and he will accept his wife or girlfriend’s wants and will do what
he can to put their relationship at the center of his attention. The ennead chart was used by the team
to successfully analyze the different parts and phases of the Unity model. Thoughts and feelings of both presenters own
personal relationships were given and how their partner truly feels about the
idea of the Unity Model of Marriage.
________________________________________________________________________
(b)
Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.
Both presenters
related this particular section to their own personal lives. One related it to their relationship with
their husband and discussed how the husband does not really agree to the parts
of the Unity Model but does acknowledge its existence. The other group member also brought in their
intimate personal relationship and she shared her views on how the Unity Model
could possibly change her relationship for the better because it has already
started to cause changes in the relationship.
This section really focused on the ideas of others such as friends,
family, and/or lovers and their interpretations of the Unity Model were used to
discuss their thoughts and ideas with these other people.
_______________________________________________________________________
(c)
Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
For the most
part, I think that both members really did a great job considering there were
supposed to be three people in the group and they only had two. I feel that more time could have been spent
on the ennead chart. If either
member of the group really took the time to go slowly through the nine zones,
the class and would have a deeper understanding about each zone. Moreover, if they had greater amplification
here, the class would truly be able to relate.
For most of the G27 students, they feel that they are somewhere between
the male dominance and equity phases, so if more time was spent
on each particular zone, we could figure out exactly which zone in which phase
our relationship falls. That would’ve
been cool.
________________________________________________________________________
(d)
What was the success of the approach they used?
In my
perspective, their success was talking about their own personal lives and
having an understanding of the ennead
chart. Since both team members were
successfully
able to relate the ennead chart to their own relationships, we as
audience members were able to connect and relate their examples to our own
lives. Some things that they said about
their significant other were exactly some of the things I think and say from a
male perspective in my own relationship.
That was a very successful approach.
_______________________________________________________________________
(e)
What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
I think that the
instructions are clear for us to read.
This section really goes into great detail about the ennead chart. Maybe it would be more helpful to separate
specific examples in the lecture notes with each particular zone on the
chart. This way we can really see how
our relationships fit into the Unity Model and how many more zones we need to
move upward in to reach zone 9, affective intimacy and mental and spiritual
unity.
_______________________________________________________________________
(f)
What are the limitations of these types of Exercises?
I actually feel
there are fewer limitations with the types of exercises found in 6.1. It is very helpful to relate the concepts and
ideas of the Unity Model to our own lives.
This section was also not as long as some of the previous exercises so
it was a lot easier to read through the material thoroughly with a better
understanding. I feel that exercise 6.1
is a great length for an exercise which will correspond to a great oral
presentation by group members.
______________________________________________________________________
(g)
Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
I
actually found the exercises very interesting.
When I related the concepts to my own life and asked for the thoughts
and feelings of friends and my girlfriend, their reactions amused me. For some, Swedenborg’s Unity Model is
something they find very hard to follow and accept. This is much like how I was when I first
started the class and I took the negative bias. Their contrasting views allowed me to go into
with more depth the concepts and other ideas of the Unity Model and see if
these introduced ideas could change their views on the model with the
introduction of the positive bias.
I really like taking what we’ve learned in class and applying it to
life. It’s great and every exercise
should have some part that you relate directly to your own life.
_______________________________________________________________________
Section
4 Web Links
J.
Garcia, B.Nacapoy, A.Valenzuela
Being Used By
Your Husband, Emotional Blackmail
This link has a collection of women’s
letters describing their relationships and how they have been hurt by the men
in their lives and sexually blackmailed.
Borderline women and men who
love them.
In this article it shows how men can be
sexually blackmailed when they conceive on accident.
Harlequin
Thinks Unsexy Thoughts
Harlequin novels are not so sexy
anymore. This website summarizes how the sexy novels are not happy
endings anymore, but touch on real issues such as sexual abuse or blackmail.
This is a link to Deborah Tannen’s homepage at Georgetown University. Here you can
learn more about her research on conversation and communication.
A condensed look at Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand, another of
her works looking at the differences in conversation styles between men and
women.
This is a resource site by Andrew Moore
for those interested in studying language and gender.
Why
Do Men and Women Fight Differently?
This gives us an idea of what some
people in society feel is the reason for men and women fighting. It is interesting to see how these ideas seem
to contrast the Unity Model about fighting in relationships.
College Sex & Love:
What is true love?
This is Harriet Sun’s perspective on
what is true love. There is an
explanation on her point of what is “true love” and this contrasts the ideas about
“true love” in the Unity Model. This
seems to be more connected to societies views on love.
This is an article explaining of the
reasons why Blake rejects the ideas of Swedenborg. This is a classic example of not taking the
“positive bias” to his ideas as we have and thinking in “reductionism” and from
the “negative bias.” His views truly
contrast that which we are learning in class and it is something that we should
be aware of as a great example of reductionism.