Striving for Unity
Report
6
J. Garcia,
R. Alexander,
B.Nacapoy, K.Ushijima
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii
Section 1 Lecture Notes
R. Alexander
In Natural
Marriage, women’s external Affective organ is conjoined to the man’s external
Cognitive organ, which means woman’s love is connected to
men’s wisdom. In Spiritual Marriage, his internal Cognitive organ is conjoined
to her internal Affective organ; his love is connected to her wisdom.
The spirit of
the recently departed will live on with the remaining spouse, living on with
the other in heart “they have never really
gone.” And once the
other’s body physically dies on earth and is resuscitated, they will be
conjoined once again to their spouse. They will continue to have their
spiritual marriage now in heaven, being together until eternity because they
reached Unity.
If one is not
conjoined in the Unity model of marriage with their soul mate, then one will be
provided for them when they reach heaven. Soul mates are born for one another,
they are groomed and prepared for their marriage with their spouse, and if they
are not able to meet in life, they will be placed together in the afterlife.
This is dedicated and possible by Devine providence; their similarities are
what conjoin them together.
The remaining
spouse may choose to remarry; however, this marriage will not be in conjugial
love, because he has already discovered that with his previous wife, one cannot
have more than one soul mate. If he chooses to remarry, this relationship will
now be considered an external relationship. It will be an External union being
the case if young children are involved in the family, a new parent might be
issued to ensure proper care and nurture to the children. This relationship
will not reach conjugial love; their love is simply a natural marriage, not a
spiritual marriage.
My Opinion
I feel that these represented findings of conjugial couples are consistent of what I learned and how I felt the Unity model of marriage should be. I find it appealing to know that if I were in a conjugial relationship with my spouse and he passed away, our union would still be conjoined through our spiritual marriage. If I adopted Unity with my spouse I could see it possible for me not to remarry, and for him not to remarry either- since we are soul mates and no one else can replace our bond that we had formed in life. It is often hard to find the “one” in life since many of us are working and going to school, sometimes there is no time to be searching for your soul mate. And if this is so, it is appealing to hear that a person has been created just for you, to enjoy and surround in perfect harmony.
Section 2 Readings
J. Garcia, K. Ushijima
Yogi covered the Lecture Notes sections 11 and 19 for the readings oral
presentation. Section 11 covers the Spiritual
Dimension to the Unity Model and Section19 covers Examples of Anti-Unity
Values. O’Connell covered a report
from Generation 23 by Susan Ventrucci. In this report she covers a few topics, but
our discussion was focused on the views of books by Joshua Coleman, Laura
Schlessinger, and Deborah Tannen, and how they compare to lecture notes by Dr.
James.
Yogi summarized for us the Swedenborg reports, and his findings while
living a dual life both in the Physical and Spiritual worlds: the worlds in
which we exist in mind and body. He
gives us the great news of increased happiness in the Heavenly realms, and the
conjoint couples he spoke to. There is
also hope for those who fail to find their soul mate in this life. Some couples
Swedenborg spoke to were united in Heaven, after death. He sees what he refers to as ‘angel couples’
which is how couples appear as their conjoint self. He also reports on the hellish realms we may
fall into if we do not let go of all hellish thoughts. We must choose to keep all heavenly thoughts,
and lose all hellish thoughts. Yogi also
talked about the male and female roles and the ways in which males and females
express themselves. A big topic to
understand is the difference between anger and zeal. These two emotions can appear the same on the
surface, zeal can often be confused for anger.
In reality, Zeal is a woman’s passion for affective intimacy and the
conjugial relationship she so desires with her husband. A man often reacts to zeal with anger in the
male dominance and equity stages. In the unity stage the male wants to
understand and have a positive reaction to the zeal of his wife.
I think whether in a relationship or
not, we all struggle with hellish traits in this life, I hope to not have to
struggle with them in the afterlife. I also find it comforting to know it is
possible to find a soul mate in the afterlife if we are not blessed enough to
find one here on earth.
Section 19 of our lecture notes consists of a list of Anti-Unity
Values. Yogi agreed with the
majority of these, but questioned a couple. This led to a class discussion on
the list and why or why not the values agreed with the Unity model. She believed a couple could still find unity,
even if they were living together or having children together while not
married. I feel that marriage is a
symbol of your commitment to your spouse.
If you are unwilling to commit yourself to someone, you will probably be
unwilling to become completely united with them on the cognitive and affective
levels. However, I do believe each
couple has to do what is right for them, and we are all different in what makes
us happy. I think this list makes a lot
of sense, and whether or not you are striving for unity, these are good rules
to follow to have a happy relationship.
A popular topic of discussion this
semester has been number 13 “Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to
disagree" about some things.”
This
is still something that I also struggle within the Unity Model. I understand the concept of complete unity in
order to be the conjoint self, but I find it hard to believe a couple can truly
agree on every single aspect of life. We
all have opinions, and I find it unfair to expect the male to always give up
his in order to please his wife.
Disagreements, when approached calmly and openly, can make for great
discussions and learning experiences.
It’s how we enrich our lives by seeing things through another’s
eyes. I just don’t see how this can be a
bad thing all the time.
Question:
Contrast the four views of gender
relationships expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger in The
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband,
and James in The Unity Model of Marriage.
Answer:
Susan points out that Tannen views the
differences in the communication of genders not caused by biological difference
but by society and situational factors.
Tannen believes that women and men communicate a certain way because of
how society expects them to communicate.
Different genders in different societies communicate differently. If communication was only based on gender,
all women in all societies would communicate the same way.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the other
hand, bases her ideas mainly on the biological differences between males and
females. She believes that all males are
dominant and all females were created to be submissive. Males should be the
conquers and females should be the nurturers. She does believe that men and women care
about each other but they express those feelings differently because of their
biological disposition.
In the book the Lazy Husband, Dr.
Coleman has a similar view to Dr. Laura as far as both of them thinking that
men are at an advantage over women.
Susan points out however, that he doesn’t believe that men have an
advantage because of their biology but because society has placed women in such
a submissive role for so long. He
believes that men and women are equal but we operate in different ways. He believes that roles in gender
relationships are roles that society shows us how to play.
Dr. James’ Unity Model of Marriage talks
about men and women being reciprocals.
He points out that women and men are attracted to the others reciprocal
difference. Dr. James’ model doesn’t
show men or women being in “control” of one another, but on the unity level,
the man choose to always agree with his wife.
|
|
Author
believes gender |
Author
believes gender |
Author
believes one partner |
|
|
relationships
are based partly |
relationships
are based partly |
exerts
dominance over the |
|
|
or
all on biology |
or
all on society |
other
in some form |
|
Tannen |
|
|
|
|
"Gender
Discourse" |
NO |
YES |
NO |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr.
Laura |
|
|
|
|
"The
Proper Care |
|
|
|
|
and
Feeding of |
YES |
YES |
YES |
|
Husbands" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr.
Coleman |
|
|
|
|
"The
Lazy Husband" |
NO |
YES |
YES |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dr.
James |
|
|
|
|
"The
Unity Model |
YES |
YES |
NO |
As you can tell from the table
above, these authors only agree on one aspect unanimously, and that is the fact
that our roles in relationships are at least partially due to the society in
which we live. O’Connell believes while
Schlessinger, Coleman and James are focused on relationships, Tannen is harder
to understand and based more on linguistics.
However, Tannen does stress the importance of communication, and how
your society shapes your characteristics.
Through out this semester it has
been interesting to read these different books and look at relationships
through the eyes of these authors. There
are aspects within all of these books that I both agree and disagree with. I don’t think it is possible for one person’s
opinion to be completely right. I think
it is a good idea to read about and look at things from a variety of
perspectives, and then find the right combination of those perspectives that
works for you in your own relationship.
I think especially with Dr. James’ notes, it is important to approach
new ideas with an open mind and a positive bias. If you are unwilling to do this, you could
miss out on something truly amazing.
Kimberly’s Opinion:
I think that
when it comes to the nature verse nurture argument there has to be a little bit
of both. Communication and
characteristics can’t be solely based on biology or society. I think that the Unity Model is based on
biology, society, and will power to make a choice. The unity model points out that we have to
choose to communicate and live the life we do.
If the man wants to reach unity, he has to choose to agree with his wife
and treat her like a woman and not an object.
The women also has to choose how she can go about getting her husband to
want to follow the unity model so that he can start to see what he has to
change in order for there to be conjunction.
Section 3 Exercises
B. Nacapoy
This section discusses the group’s oral
presentations on Exercises 16c.1 and their personal interpretation of the
concepts followed by my personal interpretations and thoughts about how the
presentations were.
(a) Summarize the main ideas
presented by the team.
The main concept of the group’s presentation
was “Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions.” Under this concept, the four rules of conjugial conversation were described. I presented the first two rules of conjugial
conversation and Xuying presented the last two rules. The first
rule is to be “reactive and friendly
whenever his wife is talking to him.”
This is something that most men do when they are first dating their
woman because that is the stage they are trying to impress her the most but it
slowly begins to stop as the relationship continues. This is why he must continue to want to do it
for himself. He stops in the beginning
in part due to the male dominance phase. Males want to retain their independence and
do things the way “he” wants to do it.
So, being reactive and friendly to her may not be on his to do list
because sometimes he doesn’t want to listen to her and may want things only his
way. He later, through his commitment to
the unity model, will try his best
and convince himself that this rule is the right thing to follow for the relationship
to strive towards unity. The second rule is to “deny himself the right to express disagreement
with her.” This principle is to deny
himself from saying “no” to her. When a man says “no,” this causes
disagreement and this is disjunctive
behavior and is also unsexy for
her. This is another habit that occurs a
lot in the male dominance phase because
the male doesn’t want to do things her way he wants it his. I also talked about how their shows the lopsided male dominance model because
he expects her to never say “no” to him but, it’s should be ok for him to be
able to say “no” to her when he wants to.
This will continue to change as they move upwards in the levels of the unity model once his commitment is
strong and true towards unity. The third
rule is “create a
conversational atmosphere in which his wife feels unoppressed, free, and safe
because he shows that he cherishes everything about her.” He should always try and let her speak
her mind to however she pleases. She may
jump from topic to topic and this may begin to anger her but she should be able
to do so freely and with his acceptance.
He needs to liberate his own thoughts and desires of becoming angry at
her and support and converse with her freely, no matter how the topics may
continually change. The fourth and final rule is “to use the
conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in
heart and stimulated in mind.” The
woman is the one who conjoins herself to “his wisdom and rationality and
intelligence” because she loves how he thinks.
He should also do that for her.
Unlike in the male dominance model,
the focus of the male should not be on himself; rather the focus should be on
her and how to please her once there is a commitment to unity.
(b) Describe what they did and
how they interpreted it.
Both presenters related this particular
section to their own personal lives. I
related it to my personal relationship and I discussed how I have noticed that
as a male, I may not have followed the rules
in the beginning of my relationship, but as we continue to move further and
with me in this class, my ideas are changing.
Xing also chose to use her personal relationship with her boyfriend to
discuss the last two rules. She gave
examples about how her boyfriend shows his male
dominance perspective when she is talking and how true to their lives these
rules seem to be/not be. This was really eye opening for us both and it shed a
lot of light on what the male should be doing to make a relationship work.
(c) Describe some of the ideas
that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
For the most part, I think that both Xuying
and I really did a great job considering there were supposed to be three people
in the group and only the two of us presented.
I feel that more time could have been spent going through the theories
as they relate more to the unity model
and Swedenborg’s ideas rather than a lot of examples and ideas about our
personal lives. This would have
definitely been more helpful to truly get the ideas about the four rules across
to our classmates. Moreover, if they had
greater amplification here, the class would truly be able to relate and
understand the material through the unity
perspective. For most of the G27
students, they feel that they are somewhere between the male dominance
and equity phases, so if more time was spent on these four
rules, the class could figure out exactly what needs to be done in their
relationship if they are striving towards unity
and maybe how they can achieve it.
(d) What was the success of the
approach they used?
In my perspective, our success was talking
about our personal lives and having an understanding of the four conjugial
rules of conversation. Since both of
us were successfully able to relate the four rules to our own
relationships, the audience members were able to connect and relate our
examples to their own lives. I think
that the way I shared my struggles as a male and how Xuying shared the
struggles that her and her boyfriend go through, it was good for the women in
the class to connect it to their own boyfriends and his mannerisms. It was a very successful approach.
(e) What improvements are needed
in the procedures or in the instructions?
I think that the instructions are clear for
everyone read. This section really goes
into great detail about what can be done on the male’s part for a couple’s
continued effort towards unity. Maybe it would be more helpful to more
examples and explanations that came directly from the lecture notes with each
particular rule of conversation. This
way everyone could really see how their relationships fit into the different
rules and how they themselves as a couple need to improve and move through the
four rules to reach unity.
(f) What are the limitations of
these types of Exercises?
I actually feel there aren’t too many
limitations on doing an exercise like 16c.1.
It is very helpful to relate the concepts and ideas of the Unity Model
to everyone’s own lives. This section
was a lot shorter than most of the previous exercises so it was a lot easier to
read through the material thoroughly with a better understanding. I feel that exercise 16c.1 is a great length
for an exercise which seemed to correspond to a great oral presentation by
Xuying and I and a better understanding by our classmates.
(g) Describe what happened when
you did some of the steps of the exercises.
I am the one who
presented so when I was doing the questions of the exercise I found it more
personally related to me and my feelings about the unity model. I also realized how much the model really
relates not only to my relationship but men overall. The unity model, especially in this
exercise, is kind of eye opening to everyone who doesn’t follow the model or
who doesn’t believe that it’s possible and chooses the negative bias rather
than the positive bias. One of the questions was “Are they willing
to go along with this perspective?” It
was interesting to see that mostly all of my male friends, whether they are in
a relationship or not, was less reluctant to follow the four rules and most of
my female friends, including my girlfriend, was all for it. I guess it shows that unless the unity model is thoroughly understood,
men think that it is a female serving and female centered model but we know
that to be completely false and not what Swedenborg reports.
Section 4 Web Links
This is a link
to the Wikipedia page on Swedenborg. It contains his biography, spiritual and
scientific beliefs, as well as links to his books and other references.
This link is to
Deborah Tannen’s Wikipedia page. It
contains her biography, a link to her homepage at Georgetown University, her books, and also
some definitions on terms commonly found in her writings.
This link is to Joshua Coleman’s homepage. From here you can find his
books, speaking appearances, articles, blogs and forums about him and his teachings.
This is a link to Dr. Laura’s homepage. You can e-mail her, listen to her
radio show, and find her books, personal appearances, and blogs.
This website points out different things that couples can do to create more intimacy in their marriage. It suggests things like leaving romantic notes and deepening the relationship. This shows that there is more to intimacy then just being in the sensorimotor phase.
This website has resources that help couples to develop their sexual intimacy. It refers to sex as a "natural impulse to express your emotions to the highest degree." This shows that sexual intimacy is not just a physical thing.
This article refers to intimacy as "the closeness of your relationship with your spouse - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually..." This again shows that intimacy isn't just sensorimotor as the unity model points out. There is also the cognitive and affective areas that need to be worked on in order for a marriage to have intimacy.
Great
Conversation To Better Relationships This is Joshua Poyoh’s take on
what it takes to better a relationship.
These rules to conversation are somewhat similar to the “four rules of
conjugial conversation” discussed above but this idea is contrasting for the
most part.
How
to Make a Man Fall in Love With You This is an interesting article to read because
it takes the male dominance perspective on a relationship and gives tips on how
the woman should act to get the man to love her.
How
to Get a Girl To Fall in Love This article gives some tips on the opposite view,
what the guy needs to do to get her to fall in love with him. It is quite interesting and funny.
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