UNDERSTANDING AND INTEREPRETING THE UNITY MODEL OF MARRIAGE

This is Report 1

Lisa Ha

Co authors:

Caitlin Botelho

Sumiyo Ishikawa

Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27

Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii

Link to the Class Home Page

 

 

Section 1: Lecture Content

         During this week of lecture, the main points that were discussed were the two types of marriages and the three-fold self.  Below are the main ideas that I felt needed to be addressed further to get a better understanding of this class.

 

Natural marriage

            Natural marriages are also considered “materialistic” marriages.  In a marriage like this, during their vows, each partner says “till death do us part.”  This is the common marriage in most relationships around the world.  According to these people, marriage ends at the death of one of the partners.  In a natural marriage, both partners interact with each other with no consciousness that the actions of each have an effect on the spiritual mind and body. 

 

Spiritual marriage

            A spiritual marriage is one in which both partners see themselves bound together even after death.  According to those that have spiritual marriages, death is just the end of life in the physical world.  Life in the spiritual world of eternity begins at death.  When together in a spiritual marriage, each partner recognizes the effects of their interaction on their future together in eternity through their spiritual mind and body.

 

Swedenborg Reports

            A Swedish scientist by the name of Emmanuel Swedenborg was born in 1688.  At the age of 57, Swedenborg became conscious in his spiritual mind and was able to speak with people after they had passed on.  During the 18th century, Swedenborg wrote the Swedenborg Reports; his observations of what happen to people after they die.  The Swedenborg Reports consists of 30 volumes of work in which Swedenborg explains that the anatomy and physiology of a human being is dualist; every one is born in two different worlds, with two different bodies.  The two are: the physical body in the physical world, and the spiritual body in the spiritual world of the afterlife.  According to Swedenborg, we go through a process called resuscitation approximately 30 hours after death.  During this time, we become conscious in our spiritual mind and slowly lose consciousness in our natural mind.  Emmanuel Swedenborg has roughly 100,000 followers of his work.  These people use Swedenborg’s Reports as their religion; a Christian religion.

 

Positive bias

            To have a positive bias in psychology, you must accept the facts that are presented as a possibility.  Someone with a positive bias listens to the information they are given and does not deny that whatever it may be could be valid.  When analyzing the unity model of marriage, it is best to have a positive bias.  With a positive bias, you expand your horizon and you are able to experience many different possibilities in the field of psychology.

 

Negative bias

            A negative bias in psychology is completely opposite from a positive bias.  Having a negative bias means that you reject any possibility that something could be valid without even bothering to take a look at the facts.  For example, the unity model of marriage deals with Heaven, Hell, God, Angels, etc., so simply for that fact, someone with a negative bias will exclude the possibility of Swedenborg’s ideas.  When it comes to science, religion should never be in the picture, so a negative bias is to not believe anything in this class. 

 

Reductionism

            Reductionism is the process of reducing the mind to the same as the body.  When the neuronal activity in the physical brain dies, the thoughts and feelings “die” as well.  The end result of this is that the person is no more.  Psychology prefers reductionism over talking about the hypothetical mind.

 

Threefold self

            In the spiritual body there are three domains of behavior which we call the “threefold self.”  Components of the threefold self are: affective (A), cognitive (C), and sensorimotor (S).  Nothing in life happens unless all three components are working together.  To get a better understanding of the threefold self, it is easiest to remember these things: The affective (A) is why someone is doing something; the cognitive (C) is what someone is thinking while they are doing something; the sensorimotor (S) is what you observe someone doing. 

            *Often times it is easier to think of these three in reverse.

 

Self-witnessing

            Self-witnessing is the same thing as the threefold self, only it is applied to yourself.  Throughout the day, in various situations, you can apply these to your own life:

(S) What I am doing or saying or showing that someone can see

(C) What I am thinking, planning, interpreting, appraising, figuring

(A) What I am intending, striving for, hoping for, wanting, desiring

 

Conjoint self

            The term conjoint self refers to the reciprocal union of the marriage relationship that is based on the unity model of marriage.  The unity model of marriage is the mental state that men and women have when they interact with each other.  In order to reach the conjoin self in the unity model, both man and woman need to be unified at all three levels of the self; affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor.  This is where we get the term “soul mates.”  In the unity model of marriage, the husband never says no to his wife.  The husband follows the feelings that the wife has and does everything he can to make her happy. 

 

Marriages in Heaven

            A sub-section of the Swedenborg Reports is titled Marriages in Heaven.  There are seven categories in heavenly marriages; rules if you will.  (1) A person lives on as a person after death: after death, a person ends his life as a natural man but begins his life as a spiritual man.  He looks exactly the same to himself; therefore he is unaware that he is no longer living in the natural world.  The natural person is like a layer of skin that is shed upon death, thus allowing the spiritual person to emerge; purer, and more complete.  (2) A male is then male and a female is female: this is self-explanatory.  After death, a male cannot change into a female, and a female cannot change into a male.  The difference between men and women is that the core of man is love, enveloped with wisdom, and the core of woman is wisdom of the male, enveloped by the love from it.  (3) Each person retains his own love after death: no one has the same love as another.  (4) The chief love is sexual love, and in the case of those who reach heaven, that is, those who become spiritual on earth, it is conjugial love: because a male remains male and a female remains female, sexual love is still apparent.  Sexual love belongs to the natural man and conjugial love belongs to the spiritual man.  (5) These facts have been fully confirmed by eye-witness: the Lord prepared Swedenborg to receive the truths of spiritual wisdom.  (6) Consequently there are marriages in heaven: see above and (7) The Lord’s statement that after the resurrection people are not given in marriage refers to spiritual weddings: A spiritual wedding means being linked with the Lord; something that happens on Earth.  If a marriage with the Lord has happened on Earth, it cannot happen again in Heaven.

 

Section 2: Team Presentation on Readings

The Lazy Husband

Joshua Coleman

Chapter 1 summarizes how the burden of parenthood has become a woman’s responsibility and what needs to change in their household for their partner to do more and for women to do less.

 

U.S. citizens are known to work more hours than others in any other nation. As a result of this, many parents become exhausted from their jobs, housework, and parenting. They are also overwhelmed with helping their children with their homework and after school activities.

 

Parents have learned first hand the damage that can be done through parental errors and in turn they fear they’ll hurt their children in the same way that they felt hurt by their parents. They pursue this task at the costs of their own health and the health of their marriages.

 

Knowing that at least half of today’s marriages end in divorce, many parents become occupied with their children because it’s the one stable relationship that they can expect to have in the future.

 

The generation of children has changed, in which children discuss topics openly with their parents that their parents would have never discussed during their generation. In result of this, parents get confused about what distinguishes a harmful from a helpful form of parental authority. Most helpful parents are authoritative. Authoritative parents are affectionate and loving with their children, but are strong in their ability to set limits and make demands. Authoritarians on the other hand, are highly controlling and show little affection towards their children. Permissive parents are loving and affectionate but cannot set appropriate limits. Authoritarian and permissive parents are less likely to raise well-adjusted children than authoritative parents.

 

Parents’ worry about not spending enough quality time with their children, and they give up their personal needs and interests in order to make up for it. The other area where women make up this time for their children is by giving up time with their husbands. There’s a saying that goes, “A man gains a child and loses a wife.” Men who feel displaced or rejected by the arrival of a child are more likely to retreat from doing housework or parenting, and become referred to as “lazy.”

 

Mothers receive messages that parenting should be a source of ongoing fulfillment. These messages can create guilt and shame for women who don’t find it enjoyable. Men, on the other hand don’t experience the feelings that mothers do. This could possibly be because fathering doesn’t play a central role in a man’s identity while women see this as a personal flaw in themselves if they don’t enjoy motherhood.

 

Gender differences plays out in expectations of what men and women do or don’t do as parents. Mothers are seen as the primary caretakers of the house and child. The outlook that men support their families prevents women from seeing themselves as valuable economic players or equal partners and that their responsibility as he main caretaker is not enough.

 

Up until the 19th century, women didn’t have the right to own their own property, have legal say in family matters, or to determine how the money was spent when it was earned. In 1848 the passage of Married Women’s Property Act allowed married women to hold property to gain protection from their husbands debts if they became widowed. This act also gave them the right to share joint custody and equal inheritance with their children in case of divorce.

 

Women’s wages have been below those of men up until the recent past. From 1930s to the early 1980s, the earning of full-time working women were only 60% of men’s earnings. When women become mothers, their power decreases because their financial power decreases. This decreases in financial stability also makes women who become mothers more dependent on their husbands. Many couples begin to experience problems with a decrease in marital satisfaction after the arrival of a child. Women may experience an increase in stress and a decrease in power, while a man may feel burdened by the increase in financial obligations if his wife doesn’t go back to work.

 

Gatekeeping is a term sociologists use to explain how much a spouse allows the other spouse to participate in activities such as parenting, housework or managing finances. Couples often gatekeep by complaining about the other’s standards, by redoing tasks, or by refusing the other’s offer to help. Gatekeeping is a behavior to understand because it causes many women to be manipulated or warned off by their husbands’ excuses or rationales. It can also cause women to not assert themselves when necessary. A common reason why women gatekeep around housework is because they don’t like how their partner cleans. Men often ensure they won’t have to do family work by maintaining low standards and forcing their wives to act as managers. Sometimes a man’s lack of participation has nothing to do with his wife’s gatekeeping, but rather with his unwillingness to get involved under any circumstances.

 

Comments:

Joshua Coleman seems to be interpreting materialistic marriages vs. spiritual marriages in Chapter 1. The couples that are describe do not see themselves in the after life together, therefore they put no effort towards their relationship and invest in their children’s instead, because they know it’s something that they will always have. It seems as if the males of the relationship are in the male dominance stage of the unity model of marriage. Where men have more power than the woman, interrupting and ignoring what his spouse needs or wants. In order for their marriage to work, the man must view the conjoint self as a heaven rather than a hell and do what it takes to make their marriage work.

 

The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura believes that admiration and appreciation for the opposite gender will feed you in great and beneficial ways. Men and women are very different and their uniqueness should be admired instead of criticized. She believes that the problem today for most marriages is the lack of understanding, what is needed in a man by a woman, vice versa. It is also the understanding and appreciation for what is feminine and what is masculine that is lacking in good marriages. Without understanding this, marriages can become competitive and lonely.

 

People in happy marriages seem to have higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, greater happiness and less distress. People in unhappy marriages appeared to benefit from being married by the stability, commitment, and social status of the relationships.

 

She quotes,” Marriages are the joining of two minds, bodies, souls, spirits, hopes, dreams, needs, personalities, and different genders.”

 

Dr. Laura asks a series of questions direction towards men:

” What do you, as a man, most admire about women in general?”

 She says that men yearn for a woman’s spiritual and psychological counterbalance to humanize and beautify life. Today, women are always fighting to be seen by their man as powerful. She believes women should stop seeing that helping their man is oppression, and that interdependence is what feeds both the man and the woman what they truly need to be happy.

 

Question 2: “What do you least admire about women in general?” Men replied that women are too emotional. Her reply is that smart women are women who learn how to temper her emotions and use them wisely.

 

Question 3: “What do you most fear in a relationship with a woman?”

Men seem to fear most is losing their woman’s love, goodwill, loyalty, respect and value. It is not related to housework or physical beauty. Men are simple creatures that need affection, approval and attention. Women should not scream, put down, or whine to their husbands.

 

Question 4: “What is the single most important expectation you have in a wife?” Dr. Laura says the list of responses men wrote shows how men are so dependent on their women for self esteem, motivation, acceptance, love and approval. Real men value their women; a woman that is “his” woman and women need to be reminded of that.

 

Dr. Laura believes that the feminist movement despises motherhood, wifehood and men. She says that feminists have robbed women of their ability to find joy and happiness. She believes that a woman can run a company, but it’s considered a bad thing if she does this while neglecting her husband.

 

Dr. Laura also asks questions that are directed towards women:

What do you, as a woman, most admire about men in general?

Women admire a man’s masculinity and having appreciation and respect for what he can offer, and that men rarely get the thanks that they deserve. Women who love a man who can play the bills with a steady job is not considered a gold digger, but rather it’s human nature for a man to be the sole supporter.

 

Some assume that Dr. Laura thinks men are perfect, but she explains in her defense that they are not perfect. In her opinion, women behave more destructively and insensitively than men do. She believes that “men and women are complementary-perfection is created by their union.”

 

Question 5: “What do you most fear in a relationship with a man?

According to her studies, over 95% of women fear of being rejected and abandoned by their partner. She believes that if a couple wishes to stay together, you must commit to being your best dream and not your worst nightmare. She says, “people who relish hanging on to hurts and the power that gives them over their spouse, that never salvage nor create beauty in their marriages.”

 

Question 6: “What is the single most important expectation you have for your husband?”

Dr. Laura says that women need to stop expecting love from their man. But instead understand and support the fact that they are a blessing to each other and SHOW IT.

 

She emphasizes on action, and just doing what you know your spouse needs and wants to feel important to you, and what you know they will appreciate. Love will be reciprocated if this is followed.

 

Comments:

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of reaching the unity phase of the model of marriage. Once a couple has reached conjunction, the man and woman are able to understand, communicate and love each other in a completely different perspective, in which they see their marriage as a spiritual marriage reaching mental intimacy. She describes how a man and a woman are different and unique in their own ways, and that their differences will work as a union such as how a lock and key method work together.

 

Gender Discourse

Deborah Tannen

A strategy that seems, or is, intended to dominate may in another context or in the mouth of another speaker can be intended or used to establish connection. Vice versa.

Intention or motive cannot be determined or examined by only linguistics. Human interaction is a “joint production” in which everything that occurs results from the interaction of all participants.

 

In chapter 1, the author explains how linguistic strategies can either power or solidarity, or they can mean both through cross-cultural research. Power governs relationships where one is subordinate to another, and solidarity governs symmetrical relationships characterized by social equality and similarity.

 

Across cultures, comparing American and Japanese group discussions, Americans saw themselves as individuals participating in a joint activity, whereas the Japanese saw themselves as members of a group united by hierarchy. Hierarchy, in this case is seem as distancing, rather than uniting.

 

The cross-cultural perspective suggests a multidimensional grid with the closeness/distance placed on one axis and the hierarchy/equality one on another.

 

Communication is double bind in the sense that anything we say to honor our similarity violates our differences and anything that we saw to honor our differences violates our sameness.

 

Indirectness can be seen as powerful and is not culturally universal. It can be used by the powerful or the powerless. Indirectness depends on the individual’s status and their relationship to each other, and also on the linguistic conventions that are ritualized in the cultural context. A woman can use indirectness in many different countries and cultures, and would still not be seen as more dominant than a male.

 

Interruption

West and Zimmerman’s findings (1983) show that men dominate women by interrupting them in conversation. Interruption is also referred to as overlap. Some speakers prefer to talk along with others showing participation and connection of solidarity. However, if one voice were speaking, any type of overlap would be considered as an interruption. In another conversation that was analyzed, listeners who overlapped cooperatively talking along to establish rapport, were seen by overlap-resistant speakers as interrupting and as dominating in the conversation. In terms of symmetry or balance, if one speaker consistently overlaps and another repeatedly gives away, it is seen as unbalanced and domination is present. But if both speakers avoid overlap, or if both speakers overlap each other and win out equally, there is symmetry and no domination regardless of what the speaker intended. To understand whether an overlap is an interruption, you must consider three things: context, speaker’s habitual styles, and the interaction of their styles.

 

Silence vs. Volubility

Silence alone cannot be a sign of powerlessness or volubility. Associating volubility with dominance does not hold for all settings and cultures.

 

Topic Raising

Shuy (1982) assumes that the speaker who raises the most topics is dominating in a conversation. In a study that Deborah Tannen conducted showed that the speaker raising the most topics was not always the dominant one. The effect of raising topics may be an effect of differences in pacing and pausing. A speaker who thinks the other has no more to say on a given topic may try to contribute to the conversation by raising another topic. A speaker who was intending to say more and was just waiting for the right turn-exchange pause may be offended. The impression of dominance is a result from style differences.

 

Conflict & Verbal Aggression

Research has consistently found that male speakers are competitive and are more likely to engage in conflict. According to Deborah Tannen, middle school boy opposing others boys in teams entails affiliation within the team. Resulting from conflict with others creates bonding among examples such as soldiers. Girls in effort to support their friends can cause exclusion or opposition to other girls.

 

Comments:

Deborah Tannen distinguishes the difference between dominance and solidarity and how the two can be misinterpreted across all cultures. Relating back to the lectures notes, attempting to dominate one over another will only result in miscommunication and confusion. You will not reach unity if solidarity does not exist. Solidarity and dominance can be confused for the other if you do not work in unity to understand what each other need and want.

 

Section 3: Team Presentation on Exercises

(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.

            Swedenborg Reports

Emmanuel Swedenborg was Swedish scientist. He tried to incorporate God into all of his scientific theories.  Swedenborg described the lifestyle in the “Heaven” and “Hellish” mentalities.  He also observed a dual life- n the natural world and in the afterlife of eternity.

- “Conjugial Love” (1768) -

1. The process of “resuscitation” – Occurs 30 hours after death.  We             become conscious in our spiritual mind and gradually lose consciousness in our natural mind.

2. “The positive bias in science” – Before reject theories, we must     examine it, accepting the possibility without proof.

“Substantive dualism” – Thoughts and feelings are not material (physical anatomy), but subjective (mental anatomy)

3. “The negative bias in science” – Before we examine theories, we reject                                                             that there could be a possibility without                                              actual proof.

“Reductionism” – Thoughts and feelings are not real, but                                                 subjective; they emerge from the electro-                                                 chemical activity of the physical brain.

            Spiritual vs. Materialistic marriages

                        Materialistic view on marriage = Natural marriage

“Till death do us part”

                        Spiritual view on marriage = Spiritual marriage

                                     “Forever in the afterlife”

The marriage relationship between husband and wife begin at a natural level (“natural marriage”) and continue a spiritual level (“spiritual marriage”).

            Three phases of the unity model of marriage:

- Male dominance phase – Men have the special right and advantage; men                                               have the power over women in many ways.

- Equity phase – Men realize that women also have the right to share the                                  task of living and having a life together; women have                                        more the equality in the relationship.

- Unity phase – Men are spiritually enlightened by accepting the                                              connection with one woman for eternity.  Women deserve                                  higher place; men and women become heavenly by                            conjunction.

            Threefold-self and self-witnessing

Threefold-self:            

A – Affective: Why they are doing.

                        C – Cognitive: What they are thinking.

                        S – Sensorimotor: What they are doing that you observe.

            Self-witnessing:

A – What I am intending, striving, hoping, wanting, desiring

C – What I am thinking, planning, interpreting, appraising,                figuring

S – What I am doing, saying or showing that someone can see

(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.

In this particular group each person focused on an important topic(s) from the lecture notes to give the rest of the classmates a better understanding of the content.  They explained the bolded and underlined words in greater depth, and related as much as they could to real life situations to make it easier to understand.

 (c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.

Personally, I think some of the only idea that should have been discussed more in depth was reductionism.  I understand the basic idea of reductionism, but it would have been nicer to fully comprehend the concept behind it; especially to better my own report.

(d) What was the success of the approach they used?

I think that they prepared the organization of the main ideas the best way they could, considering it was the first lecture and first presentation of the semester.  This group had a good idea of breaking down the lecture as be0073t as possible in the beginning before going into the topic for the exercise.  

(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?

Some suggestions for a better presentation would be to share ideas and personal experiences with the class when possible.  Organization of the main ideas is key.  Also, each group needs to practice their presentation a considerable amount before class to better their speeches.  Although this class is new to all of us, and learning the content is tricky and difficult, it is best for each student to try their hardest to not look at their notes so much.

(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?

The limitation of this type of exercise is that it is all based on personal opinion.  We do not necessarily gain a greater understanding of the topic in class based on people’s opinions, especially since none of us have heard of anything like the unity model of marriage prior to being in this class.  Another limitation in this exercise is that we are all so unfamiliar with this topic that it is hard for us to comprehend what is being discussed.  Most of us try to have a positive bias in this class and accept that there is a possibility for the unity model of marriage, but we have been taught much differently all our lives that it is hard to fully believe in Swedenborg’s theory.  We all need to step outside of the box.

(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises. 

I didn’t have a strong opinion throughout any of the exercises. I am intrigued by the lectures, as well as the books that were assigned for the readings. Understanding the definition of having a positive bias in Lecture 1, I believe that is what I had before entering the class.  I must agree that the Swendenborg reports have not been proven wrong, but I have not yet grasped the fact that it truly exists. I have been in two serious relationships in the past, but I do not feel that I was ever in love, . I do not agree or disagree with the Swendenborg reports, but I am hoping to form an opinion by the end of this semester. And if that does not occur in time, I am hoping that I can experience and understand it with someone later on in life.

Section 4: Annotated Web Links

 

1. http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=200&surveyID=104

 

-       Is your relationship spiritual?

 

By taking this simple 8 question quiz, you can find out if you and your partner have a spiritual relationship, according to this website. 

 

2. http://alternativespirituality.suite101.com/article.cfm/spiritual_marriage

 

-       Spiritual marriage

 

We can learn that the purpose of marriage is to have a family and to raise children together.  We have to establish a mutual relationship with our partner to continue a

spiritual marriage in the after life of eternity.

 

3. http://marriage.about.com/od/religiousissues/a/spirituality.htm

 

-       How spiritual is your marriage?

 

We can recognize that each person has a opportunity to get married and to have a family, so we have to understand what each partner is doing, thinking, and feeling in their in order to keep the relationship healthy and to make a happy family.

 

4. http://www.unityonline.org/pray_marriageblessing.htm

 

-    Unity marriage

 

We get married to have an intimate relationship, to share our emotions and housework and parenting duties.  Both husband and wife have to accept the reality that they make a family to connect with each other.

 

                                                                                                                                               

 5. http://coaches.aol.com/kids-and-family/joshua-coleman/chores-and-relationships            

 

-       The Lazy Husband

Joshua Coleman explains that husbands need to understand their wives situation in order to be able to improve their marriage.  Because women have to work and to do housework, men need to help out with the housework to make her happy.

 

6. http://www.ucg.org/booklets/fm/spiritualsignificance.asp

 

-       Marriage and the family

 

When we get married, we need to share the parenting responsibilities with our spouse so that the next generation will do the same.  This also helps strengthen the bond with each other in the marriage.

 

7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mvm7moVvSs&feature=related

 

-       Dr. Laura takes on Bill O’Reilly

 

Bill O’Reilly speaks with Dr. Laura about her book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.”  O’Reilly says that Dr. Laura is basically saying that women need to do whatever it is their husbands want.  Dr. Laura says she tells men to do what their wives want.

 

8. http://womentodaymagazine.com/relationships_marriage/

 

-       women’s perspective

 

This website is a very helpful way for men to try to understand the women’s perspective, and to try to improve their relationship.  When we communicate with each other we try to understand the different perspectives between men and women in every situation.

 

9. http://www.nndb.com/people/427/000022361/

 

-       Dr. Laura Schlessinger

 

This website gives background information about Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  It is interesting the information given on this site including that Dr. Laura was involved in an affair and divorced her husband. 

 

10. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emanuel_Swedenborg

                                                                                                                                               

-       Emanuel Swedenborg

 

     This website is all about Emmanuel Swedenborg.  It gives more information on some things that we have already learned about in class, such as the Swedenborg Reports, and his book “Conjugial Love” among other things.