Ishikawa-report2
The Unity Model of Marriage
Psychology 409b / Spring 2008 / Generation 27
Dr.Leon James, Instructor, University of
Hawaii
Ling to class homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy27/classhome-g27.htm
Sumiyo Ishikawa
Sumiyo Ishikawa / OÕConnell,
Praew / Zhang,
Xuying
Conjunction Each Other In The Unity
Marriage Relaionship
Section
1. Lecture content
3.
Three Level of Unity in the Marriage Relationship
The interior level (sensorimotor portion) is the most important
level to reach the conjugial self. If a man and his wifeÕs exterior level
(natural self) agree with each other, enjoy spending time with one another, but
their internal level (spiritual self) (cognitive and affective self) are in
disagreement, it can be seen if they engage in a fight. Which is represented in
the equity level- they are in opposition with each other in the sense that they
are fighting, but in the other concepts they are equal. Their inner selves are
in conflict with one another, and when they fight it becomes evident. Couples
must have unity with their inner and exterior selves, because if they do not,
the inner self will constantly be in opposition, and the couple will eventually
disrespect one another through another fight.
To reach the goal of unity in marriage, you must practice self-witnessing.
You must monitor what your mental organs are doing: your feelings
(A-Affective), Thoughts (C-Cognitive) and sensations and actions
(S-Sensorimotor). By practicing this, you will not feel angry (Affective) (your
feelings), you will not think biased thoughts of men (Cognitive) (your
thinking) and you will never do these actions again (Sensorimotor) (your
actions).
In natural marriage, womenÕs external Affective organ is conjoined
to the manÕs external Cognitive organ, which means womanÕs love is connected to
menÕs wisdom. In spiritual marriage, his internal Cognitive organ is conjoined
to her internal Affective organ, his love is connected to her wisdom.
In spiritual marriage, his understanding is conjoined to her will,
not his own. He then learns to love acting from his wifeÕs will. It takes time
and understanding for a man to agree on all accounts with a woman, so he will
practice conjugial simulation. He might inwardly disagree with his wife, but
outwardly agree with her. She might take notice of this, but she understands
that he is trying so she lets him learn this for himself. This is a win-win
situation, because he will outwardly be agreeing with her, which will make her
happy.
The First level of conjunction – involves the sensorimotor
between married partners. They like and enjoy to do thing together like
dancing, touching each other, eating, watching movies, talking about their
favorite topic.
The
Second level of conjunction – itÕs deeper more intimate and involves the cognitive
self of both partners. When they are both spiritually committed to the unity
model, they find agreement with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.
The Third level of conjunction – involves the
partnerÕs affective self their feelings, motivations, and goals of happiness
and togetherness. It
is
important to understand that the three phases may occur simultaneous but it is
different ways to progress the unity model which is a gradual process that
takes years.
4.
Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation
There are three principles in the unity model of
ÒConjugial loveÓ which described by Emanuel Swedenborg. They are
differentiation,
reciprocity, and Eternity. By definition
differentiation means no spiritual or mental part of a woman is like any part
of a man and vice versa.
Reciprocity
means the perfection of unity in marriage increases with the diversity of its
composing elements when integrated into a conjoint self. For example: a screw
and a screw driver. They have different forms, and because of their particular
way of different which makes them work together reciprocally. The same
principle also applies to interactions between partners. A perfect example
would be a dancing couple. If the women step on the right foot, then the men
has to step back his left foot, otherwise, they will definitely fall. Unity by
definition means the unity marriage relationship is eternal, continuing in the
afterlife of heaven. When a functioning unit is formed, the components together
can accomplish much more than when they do not form a reciprocal unit.
Nothing
of the male mind can be like anything of the female mind or else they could not
conjoin into a perfect unity. When a woman falls in love, she felt compelled by
her love for him to conjoin his attitude, humor, and style of thing to her
thinking. But this feeling doesnÕt come naturally for man. Men tend to
spontaneously resist the process of unification. For men to achieve the unity
of marriage, they have to give up their cognitive and affective independence.
They have to transform their independence to interdependence. Even when a
couple apart physically, each partner has to act and think as if the other are
present. To achieve this unity of marriage, the husband has to learn his wifeÕs
preferences in all things.
Section
2. Team presentation on readings
The
proper care and feeding of marriage
The
good, the bad, and the ugly
Dr, Laura talked about
many people have typical complaint that their spouse has an unacceptable point
of view or behavior when they
expect about marriage. She listed the 3
questions to both men and women concerning whether or not marriage truly has
anything to offer them.
-
Women -
1.What
was your highest surprise to learn about marriage ?
Dr, Laura got from her
listener that the most common response had to with every day not being full of
happiness. This means that
an obvious motivation to
be giving, patient, and loyal and that it takes work to stay committed. One of
her caller Jake, he said
that he had an affair
because their Òcloseness was unravelingÓ. Dr, Lauren replied that excitement
could not come out on it own.
They have to create it.
The key is to give, give, and give some more. Coming out of me, me is the sure
way to reduce your own
tension and to get the
vest from spouse; their appreciation will turn into loving, considerate
behavior toward you, and the well
will gush and satisfy
you more than any nagging or demanding could ever.
2.In
the way(s) has marriage made you better person ?
The most common answers
had to do with (1) leaning not to be selfish, self-centered, and focusing on
primary Òwhat is it for
meÓ, and (2) a man and a
women complement each other and become ÒoneÓ. Dr, Laura gave examples from the
3 letters written
by wives talking about
their husband. They said that they were proud to be the maiden who works had to
take care of their
children and their
housework. Dr, Lauren ask about, do these women really sound oppressed and
depressed ? I think that these
women who take care of housework and children in
order to do their best for husband while men work hard to provide the finance
for their family based on the male dominance marriage relationship.
3.What
are the benefits of being married vs. single ?
The answered that there
is good and bad in every situation, Dr, Lauren said that if you think about the
negative, you feel worse,
but if you think about the positive, you feel
better. She emphasized that when you think more positively about life, love,
and marriage, you instantly become more patient, compassionate, and very
grateful for what you have. This attitude changes the marriage from a core to a
pleasure.
- Men -
1.What
was your highest surprise to learn about marriage ?
The most in comparing the answers from the women
to these from the men, women are in setting the tone and style of the
relationship of marriage. Men aim to please, and acquiesce to feminine direct
and indirect pressure to do so, while women aim to be pleased, and generally
consider this imbalance reasonable. Dr, Lauren emphasized that women in
particular like to talk about the necessity for good and open communication,
unfortunately when a guileless man communicates simple facts, that is often
enough to set off a womenÕs insecurities.
2.In
the way(s) has marriage made you better person ?
The research studies
have always demonstrated that men are medically, emotionally, physically,
psychologically, and financially
more well off when
married. Marriage settles down for men who protect for family. The sense of purpose
and importance is very
essential way to keep
work hard for family and make him happy.
3.What
are the benefits of being married vs. single ?
The
most common answered that men felt happy after he married to share the feeling
of emotion and to communicate, and to
interact with each other
in their life. Dr, Lauren concluded that I have to remind many callers of their
vow concerning for better
or worse.
Gender
& Discourse
Gender
differences in conversational coherence
- Physical alignment and topical cohesion -
-
Introduction
In this chapter, Tannen reports a gender
difference in the conversational coherence. She conducted experiment four ages
group from second grades to adults. There two elements of emergent coherence in
conversation – Physical alignment and Topical cohesion.
Physical
alignment
Grade two For boys, they look at each other
occasionally and do not really sit still. Their eyes are wondering around the
room and
mug
the video camera. For girls, they sit closer to each other and they grace at
each other more directly. They also do not move around like boys.
Grade
six For boys, they do not move around that much same as second grade boys
but they still follow similar pattern. They hardly look at each other when
talk. For girls, they sit face each other and closer than boys. They also
change position less often.
Grade
ten For boys, they become more relatively still than younger boys. They are
less in changing position and posture. However, they still rarely look at each
other in the eyes. For girls, they are similar with six grader girls.
Twenty-five-year-old
For men, they face each other same as ten grade boys. They look at their
partners when one talk but not for extended time. For women, both of them maintain
steady and rarely broken eyes contact throughout conversation.
Discussion:
are males disengaged?
There
are similar pattern from across all age groups. Male and female show difference
in physical alignment when engage in conversation. Male do not look directly at
their partners but female are closer and more eye contact. Tannen concluded
that although make do not look at each other directly does not mean they are
disengaged in conversation. However, it could involve with cultures and norms. In
some cultures, looking at each other directly is rude. Also, it could that men
do not support to get closer and look at each other directly when they talk
according to masculine trait. Women are more physically still and direct
proximity.
Topical cohesion
Grade
two For boys, they feel uncomfortable when the experimenter tell them to
find something to talk. They do not really know what to talk about. They look
at things around the room to find something that they can talk about it or make
noise. They also jump from topic to topic. For girls, they agree with each
other first about the topic and then they stick to that topic. They do not jump
from topic to topic like boys.
Grade
six For boys, in 20-minutes conversation, they touched on 55 topics. They talk
about variety of topics and do not stick to one topic for a long time. They do
not agree on the topic and they just say whatever comes in their minds. Also,
they do not really talk about interpersonal relationship. For girls, they talk
more stories. They talk about emotion and intimacy in the family and their
friendship.
Grade
ten For boys, although they do not look at each other, unlike younger boys
they do not use topic from around the room. They talk at length on each topic.
Their friendship alliances are the main concern. They have more concern in
their own topic than their partner by down playing his problem. For girls, they
are more concern at each personal problem. Tannen found the most frequent verb
they use in conversation are ÒgoÓ and Òbe + likeÓ and follow ed by not so much
what someone said but what someone was feeling likes.
Twenty-five-year-old
For men, they have difficult time finding topic to talk and they are no longer
giggling or joking around like younger boys. They talk about marriage but not
in personal ways. They focus more theoretical way. Although, they talk about
some personal topic, these are kept in fairly abstract. They also talk in slow
pace. For women, their topics cover more on their personal life and
relationship.
-
Conclusion
There are gender related patterns about the
physical alignment and the topical cohesion in conversational interaction; to
take a cross-cultural view of gender differences and to display conversational
coherence.
Generation
curriculum C26
This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows
that there are nine succeeding stages or steps for achieving unity in
marriage. The nine
phases
are marked in the intersecting cells. This basic ennead chart clearly shows you
that the unity model (cells 7, 8, 9) cannot be
reached without first going through the dominance (cells 1, 2, 3) and equity phases (cells 4, 5, 6).
| PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS | |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 | 8 | 9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 | 5 | 6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 | 2 | 3 |
Discussion
between the movie Prime and 50 First Dates and relation to the Ennead Chart
After
reading several reports, it can conclude that Prime can be categorized as male
dominance phase and 50 First dates is in Unity phase. In the movie Prime, the
age differences are the main problem between couples. Raphael is 37-years-old
driven profession and recently divorce. Dave is 23-year-old. The couple in Prime struggles in
dominance phase because they are different in so many ways. Raphael is older
and more mature than Dave. There were a lot of times they cannot compromise
with each other. It is hard for them to move up to the higher layer because
both of them have difference perspective. Raphael is older so she wants to have
committed relationship but Dave is still young so he wants to more fun although
he really loves her. Therefore, they are pretty much stuck in cognitive lever
of dominance phase (zone 2).
In
the movie Ò50 First DatesÓ, Harry works at the sea life park and frowns on
commitment until he met Lucy. Lucy is involved in a car accident and now has
short-term memory loss. After she fall asleep each night, when she wake up she
canÕt remember anything about the day before. At the beginning it seems that
their relationship is impossible because she will never remember Harry after
each day. However, Harry comes back to her the day after to make her falling in
love with him over again. Harry does not give on Lucy and he is falling deeply
in with love her when the day gone although she cannot remember him. Their
relationship is escalated so fast to the higher level of unity because they do
not have time to dominance or equal their relationship
Section
3. Team exercise on readings
(a)
Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.
3. Three levels of
unity in the marriage relationship
The
first level of conjunction : involves the sensorimotor self between married
partner.
There focus on at this stage is on the external
activity of the other and self and there is less focus on what the other is
thinking or
feeling.
The cognitive and affective self of each partner my
not be in agreement with the other and the may competitive or hostile each
other.
They want to retain their cognitive and affective
independence.
The
second level of conjunction : involves the cognitive self of two partners.
This
include how they how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what
they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they
have, and what philosophy of life and religious beliefs they officially
sustain.
These cognitive behaviors and habits tend to be more
resistant to mutual adaptation for achieving reciprocity in the relationship.
When
they are both spiritually committed to the unity mode, they will find ways of
agreeing with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.
The third level of conjunction : involves the
partnerÕs affective self their feelings motivations, and goals of happiness and
togetherness.
The
basis of the inmost level of intimacy is affective conjunction between husband
and wife, when they are thinking of themselves as a permanent couple.
4. Unity thought
reciprocity and differentiation
The
first principle : Differentiation
The
threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different.
The
second principle : Reciprocity
The
diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman
can harmonize or fit together with the trait of a
man and vice versa.
The
third principle : Eternity
Marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that
is not just for this world – Òtill death do us partÓ but is eternal, since
the
spirit or mental self of a person is immortal.
(b)
Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.
I think that they picked up the key points such as the
three phases in marriage and the conjoint self to explain the main points from
the
exercise 3.1. For example, there are three phases in
marriage, the first level is dominance phase that involves sensorimotor
conjunction, the second level is equity phase that
involves cognitive conjunction, and the third level is unity phase that
involves
affective, cognitive, and sesorimotor conjunction. The
conjoint self is a very important way to achieve the perfection of unity
through
differentiation and reciprocity in the unity model of
marriage.
(c)
Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater
amplification.
I think that they tried to explain the main points
such as the three level of conjunction in the marriage relationship from the
lecture
notes, for theses reasons, this presentation is good
way to explain the ideas that human beings involve the three level of unity
model. I
would
like to recommend that they can ask to not only boyfriends or girlfriends but
also family and friends about the three level of unity in the relationship.
(d)
What was the success of the approach they used?
I
think that they presented the main ideas to explain the three level of unity in
the marriage relationship. For example, they explained the dominance phase, the
equity phase, and the unity phase, and after they focused on the three phases
in the marriage relationship, they gave examples from their experience. For
these processes, I am impressed with their experience between boyfriends or
girlfriends in their life-style to influence of my mind.
(e)
What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
I think that we needed to ask questions about the main
points from the exercise to participate each other after they made a
presentation.
For example, after presenters make a speech, listeners ask a question to be
able to be reciprocal in the class. Throughout the presentation, I think that
their presentation was great explanation because they organized the lecture
contents to present the three levels of unity in the marriage relationship.
(f)
What are the limitations of these types of exercises?
I
think that some exercises are good ways to share the different ideas from
personal experience and some exercises are very important
ways
to understand the main points from the lecture notes. Throughout the these
types of exercise, although I think that there are limitations to make a own
opinion, the presentation is very important ways to share a piece of
information and different opinions, to understand the lecture material, and to
interact with each other.
(g)
Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
I think that the exercise is very help ways to think
about what the main ideas want to give a message for us in the lecture notes.
When I
try
to find out an answer, I focus on the key wards from the questions in order to
understand the lecture contents. This time, I tried to think back to the old
days in my life experience to be able to relate with the main ideas and tried
to ask about the marriage relationship to my parents and friends. In the
lecture notes, I learned that there are the three levels of unity in the
marriage relationship, the first level of conjunction involves the sensorimotor
self, the second level of conjunction involves the cognitive self and the
sensorimotor self, and the third level of the conjunction involves the
affective self, the cognitive self, and the affective self. For these main
ideas, when I tried to react the some exercise, especially No.4 or No.5 are
very useful ways to understand the main points about the conjoint self in the
unity model because I realized that we involve the cognitive intimacy the
second stage of the equity phase and we involve the cognitive intimacy and the
affective intimacy in the unity phase. In addition, these exercises have an
effect to relate with our life experience and to influence of my life how to
involve the metal intimacy in order to achieve the unity phase of marriage for
the future.
Section
4. Annotated web link
1. Mental intimacy
http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com/intimacy-gender-differences.html
There
are gender differences between women and men in mental intimacy. The second
level of conjunction involves the cognitive self and the third level of
conjunction involves the affective self in order to achieve the unity model of
marriage relationship. This web site is useful ways to share and to understand
the differences about the mental intimacy between men and women.
2. Marital intimacy
http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm
Human beings involve the threefold self in the three
level of unity in the marriage relationships; sensorimotor self, cognitive
self, and
affective self. Marital intimacy is the best ways to
share, to understand, and to interact with each other. This web site is very
essential ways
to consider about the partners what you are doing, what you are thinking, and
what you are feeling.
3. Unity in marriage
http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/Anderson_FeelLoved.aspx
The
tree levels of unity in the marriage relationship achieve the conjoint self
because of the sensorimotor, the cognitive, and the affective conjunction. Men
and women are different ways to express the feeling of the emotion because of
the difference mental anatomy. Women need to know what men are really thinking
but menÕs goal is to have her know every thing, or everything she wants to
know. This web site is very peace ways to think what the partnerÕs wish for the
unity in the marriage relationship.
4. Married vs.
Single (women perspective)
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/webmd/200711/relationships_single_b2.jhtml
While
Dr. Laura tried to prove that being married could improve lives in many ways on
both men and women, this article from Oprah web site show the different view of
being married vs. single. In this article, the author said that single is
better than married because being married bring so much trouble to our lives
such divorce, widowed and so on. The article is on women perspective in which
the author said that when you are single, you can do many in life and more
freedom and also you do not have to depend on men to be happy.
5.
Salary Comparison: Married vs. Single
http://blogs.payscale.com/ask_dr_salary/2007/05/salary_comparis.html
This
article is also about married vs. single but it only focus on salary. This
article was written by Dr. Al Lee. He said that married increase your salary.
The reason that the salary increase because you have more motivation on work
harder and saving money for family because when you are single, you only
respond for your own life but you are married, you have to think more about
future.
6.
Conversational Coherence
http://www-rcf.usc.edu/~billmann/WMlinguistic/dcoherence.htm
Coherence
is a kind of impression that arises (or not) in a person who attempts to
understand particular language use. Conversational coherence has pattern, form,
structure, and strategy. It also said that Conversationalists' goals must play
a central role in any adequate explanation of discourse production and
interpretation in conversations.
7.
Conversation and Cultures
http://www.culture-at-work.com/conversation.html
There
is some difference between cultures in conversational style such element
structuring and ending conversation. American conversational style is like a
tennis match. They have to move quickly on someone else get your turn or think
that you do not want to engage in conversation. In contrast, Japanese
conversation is like bowling. Everybody watches respectfully and quietly and
takes turns.
8. Mental and Emotional
Abuse
http://marriage.ygoy.com/mental-and-emotional-abuse/
This website gives readers basic ideas about mental
and emotional abuse in a marriage.
The different forms of mental abuse take
place in a marriage and some tips to recover and end
mental abuse.
9. The Delights of Wisdom Pertaining to Conjugial
Love by Emanuel Swedenborg
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11248
If
you want to read more about Emanuel SwedenborgÕs conjugial love, this is the
place you should click. You can
even download this whole book or read it online.
10.
Conjugial Love (Rogers) n. 128
http://heavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/128.htm
This
website gives you all the definitions of "conjugial loveÓ, if you wish to
understand more about conjugial love, click the link above.