The Unity Model of Marriage

Psychology 409b / Spring 2008 / Generation 27

Dr.Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii

Ling to class homepage:


Sumiyo Ishikawa

Sumiyo Ishikawa / O’Connell, Praew / Zhang, Xuying 


  Conjunction Each Other In The Unity Marriage Relaionship


Section 1. Lecture content


         3. Three Level of Unity in the Marriage Relationship

The interior level (sensorimotor portion) is the most important level to reach the conjugial self. If a man and his wife’s exterior level (natural self) agree with each other, enjoy spending time with one another, but their internal level (spiritual self) (cognitive and affective self) are in disagreement, it can be seen if they engage in a fight. Which is represented in the equity level- they are in opposition with each other in the sense that they are fighting, but in the other concepts they are equal. Their inner selves are in conflict with one another, and when they fight it becomes evident. Couples must have unity with their inner and exterior selves, because if they do not, the inner self will constantly be in opposition, and the couple will eventually disrespect one another through another fight. 

To reach the goal of unity in marriage, you must practice self-witnessing. You must monitor what your mental organs are doing: your feelings (A-Affective), Thoughts (C-Cognitive) and sensations and actions (S-Sensorimotor). By practicing this, you will not feel angry (Affective) (your feelings), you will not think biased thoughts of men (Cognitive) (your thinking) and you will never do these actions again (Sensorimotor) (your actions).

In natural marriage, women’s external Affective organ is conjoined to the man’s external Cognitive organ, which means woman’s love is connected to men’s wisdom. In spiritual marriage, his internal Cognitive organ is conjoined to her internal Affective organ, his love is connected to her wisdom.

In spiritual marriage, his understanding is conjoined to her will, not his own. He then learns to love acting from his wife’s will. It takes time and understanding for a man to agree on all accounts with a woman, so he will practice conjugial simulation. He might inwardly disagree with his wife, but outwardly agree with her. She might take notice of this, but she understands that he is trying so she lets him learn this for himself. This is a win-win situation, because he will outwardly be agreeing with her, which will make her happy.

The First level of conjunction – involves the sensorimotor between married partners. They like and enjoy to do thing together like dancing, touching each other, eating, watching movies, talking about their favorite topic.

The Second level of conjunction – it’s deeper more intimate and involves the cognitive self of both partners. When they are both spiritually committed to the unity model, they find agreement with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.


The Third level of conjunction – involves the partner’s affective self their feelings, motivations, and goals of happiness and togetherness. It

is important to understand that the three phases may occur simultaneous but it is different ways to progress the unity model which is a gradual process that takes years.


         4. Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation


There are three principles in the unity model of “Conjugial love” which described by Emanuel Swedenborg. They are differentiation,

reciprocity, and Eternity. By definition differentiation means no spiritual or mental part of a woman is like any part of a man and vice versa. 

Reciprocity means the perfection of unity in marriage increases with the diversity of its composing elements when integrated into a conjoint self. For example: a screw and a screw driver. They have different forms, and because of their particular way of different which makes them work together reciprocally. The same principle also applies to interactions between partners. A perfect example would be a dancing couple. If the women step on the right foot, then the men has to step back his left foot, otherwise, they will definitely fall. Unity by definition means the unity marriage relationship is eternal, continuing in the afterlife of heaven. When a functioning unit is formed, the components together can accomplish much more than when they do not form a reciprocal unit. 


Nothing of the male mind can be like anything of the female mind or else they could not conjoin into a perfect unity. When a woman falls in love, she felt compelled by her love for him to conjoin his attitude, humor, and style of thing to her thinking. But this feeling doesn’t come naturally for man. Men tend to spontaneously resist the process of unification. For men to achieve the unity of marriage, they have to give up their cognitive and affective independence. They have to transform their independence to interdependence. Even when a couple apart physically, each partner has to act and think as if the other are present. To achieve this unity of marriage, the husband has to learn his wife’s preferences in all things.



Section 2. Team presentation on readings


         The proper care and feeding of marriage


                  The good, the bad, and the ugly


Dr, Laura talked about many people have typical complaint that their spouse has an unacceptable point of view or behavior when they

expect about marriage. She listed the 3 questions to both men and women concerning whether or not marriage truly has anything to offer them.


                                    - Women -


                           1.What was your highest surprise to learn about marriage ?


Dr, Laura got from her listener that the most common response had to with every day not being full of happiness. This means that

an obvious motivation to be giving, patient, and loyal and that it takes work to stay committed. One of her caller Jake, he said

that he had an affair because their “closeness was unraveling”. Dr, Lauren replied that excitement could not come out on it own.

They have to create it. The key is to give, give, and give some more. Coming out of me, me is the sure way to reduce your own

tension and to get the vest from spouse; their appreciation will turn into loving, considerate behavior toward you, and the well

will gush and satisfy you more than any nagging or demanding could ever.


                           2.In the way(s) has marriage made you better person ?


The most common answers had to do with (1) leaning not to be selfish, self-centered, and focusing on primary “what is it for

me”, and (2) a man and a women complement each other and become “one”. Dr, Laura gave examples from the 3 letters written

by wives talking about their husband. They said that they were proud to be the maiden who works had to take care of their

children and their housework. Dr, Lauren ask about, do these women really sound oppressed and depressed ? I think that these

women who take care of housework and children in order to do their best for husband while men work hard to provide the finance for their family based on the male dominance marriage relationship.


                           3.What are the benefits of being married vs. single ?


The answered that there is good and bad in every situation, Dr, Lauren said that if you think about the negative, you feel worse,

but if you think about the positive, you feel better. She emphasized that when you think more positively about life, love, and marriage, you instantly become more patient, compassionate, and very grateful for what you have. This attitude changes the marriage from a core to a pleasure.


- Men -


                           1.What was your highest surprise to learn about marriage ?


The most in comparing the answers from the women to these from the men, women are in setting the tone and style of the relationship of marriage. Men aim to please, and acquiesce to feminine direct and indirect pressure to do so, while women aim to be pleased, and generally consider this imbalance reasonable. Dr, Lauren emphasized that women in particular like to talk about the necessity for good and open communication, unfortunately when a guileless man communicates simple facts, that is often enough to set off a women’s insecurities.


                           2.In the way(s) has marriage made you better person ?


The research studies have always demonstrated that men are medically, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and financially

more well off when married. Marriage settles down for men who protect for family. The sense of purpose and importance is very

essential way to keep work hard for family and make him happy.


                           3.What are the benefits of being married vs. single ?


                                    The most common answered that men felt happy after he married to share the feeling of emotion and to communicate, and to

interact with each other in their life. Dr, Lauren concluded that I have to remind many callers of their vow concerning for better

or worse.



         Gender & Discourse


                  Gender differences in conversational coherence  - Physical alignment and topical cohesion -


                           - Introduction


In this chapter, Tannen reports a gender difference in the conversational coherence. She conducted experiment four ages group from second grades to adults. There two elements of emergent coherence in conversation – Physical alignment and Topical cohesion.


                           Physical alignment


                                    Grade two For boys, they look at each other occasionally and do not really sit still. Their eyes are wondering around the room and

mug the video camera. For girls, they sit closer to each other and they grace at each other more directly. They also do not move around like boys.


Grade six For boys, they do not move around that much same as second grade boys but they still follow similar pattern. They hardly look at each other when talk. For girls, they sit face each other and closer than boys. They also change position less often.


Grade ten For boys, they become more relatively still than younger boys. They are less in changing position and posture. However, they still rarely look at each other in the eyes. For girls, they are similar with six grader girls.


Twenty-five-year-old For men, they face each other same as ten grade boys. They look at their partners when one talk but not for extended time. For women, both of them maintain steady and rarely broken eyes contact throughout conversation.


                                    Discussion: are males disengaged? 

There are similar pattern from across all age groups. Male and female show difference in physical alignment when engage in conversation. Male do not look directly at their partners but female are closer and more eye contact. Tannen concluded that although make do not look at each other directly does not mean they are disengaged in conversation. However, it could involve with cultures and norms. In some cultures, looking at each other directly is rude. Also, it could that men do not support to get closer and look at each other directly when they talk according to masculine trait. Women are more physically still and direct proximity.


Topical cohesion


Grade two For boys, they feel uncomfortable when the experimenter tell them to find something to talk. They do not really know what to talk about. They look at things around the room to find something that they can talk about it or make noise. They also jump from topic to topic. For girls, they agree with each other first about the topic and then they stick to that topic. They do not jump from topic to topic like boys.


Grade six For boys, in 20-minutes conversation, they touched on 55 topics. They talk about variety of topics and do not stick to one topic for a long time. They do not agree on the topic and they just say whatever comes in their minds. Also, they do not really talk about interpersonal relationship. For girls, they talk more stories. They talk about emotion and intimacy in the family and their friendship.


Grade ten For boys, although they do not look at each other, unlike younger boys they do not use topic from around the room. They talk at length on each topic. Their friendship alliances are the main concern. They have more concern in their own topic than their partner by down playing his problem. For girls, they are more concern at each personal problem. Tannen found the most frequent verb they use in conversation are “go” and “be + like” and follow ed by not so much what someone said but what someone was feeling likes.


Twenty-five-year-old For men, they have difficult time finding topic to talk and they are no longer giggling or joking around like younger boys. They talk about marriage but not in personal ways. They focus more theoretical way. Although, they talk about some personal topic, these are kept in fairly abstract. They also talk in slow pace. For women, their topics cover more on their personal life and relationship.


                           - Conclusion


There are gender related patterns about the physical alignment and the topical cohesion in conversational interaction; to take a cross-cultural view of gender differences and to display conversational coherence.



         Generation curriculum C26


                  Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive


                        This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows that there are nine succeeding stages or steps for achieving unity in marriage. The nine

                  phases are marked in the intersecting cells. This basic ennead chart clearly shows you that the unity model (cells 7, 8, 9) cannot be

                  reached without first going through the dominance (cells 1, 2, 3) and equity phases (cells 4, 5, 6).







7 8 9


4 5 6



1 2 3

         Discussion between the movie Prime and 50 First Dates and relation to the Ennead Chart

After reading several reports, it can conclude that Prime can be categorized as male dominance phase and 50 First dates is in Unity phase. In the movie Prime, the age differences are the main problem between couples. Raphael is 37-years-old driven profession and recently divorce. Dave is 23-year-old.  The couple in Prime struggles in dominance phase because they are different in so many ways. Raphael is older and more mature than Dave. There were a lot of times they cannot compromise with each other. It is hard for them to move up to the higher layer because both of them have difference perspective. Raphael is older so she wants to have committed relationship but Dave is still young so he wants to more fun although he really loves her. Therefore, they are pretty much stuck in cognitive lever of dominance phase (zone 2).

In the movie “50 First Dates”, Harry works at the sea life park and frowns on commitment until he met Lucy. Lucy is involved in a car accident and now has short-term memory loss. After she fall asleep each night, when she wake up she can’t remember anything about the day before. At the beginning it seems that their relationship is impossible because she will never remember Harry after each day. However, Harry comes back to her the day after to make her falling in love with him over again. Harry does not give on Lucy and he is falling deeply in with love her when the day gone although she cannot remember him. Their relationship is escalated so fast to the higher level of unity because they do not have time to dominance or equal their relationship


Section 3. Team exercise on readings


(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.


         3. Three levels of unity in the marriage relationship


                  The first level of conjunction : involves the sensorimotor self between married partner.


There focus on at this stage is on the external activity of the other and self and there is less focus on what the other is thinking or



The cognitive and affective self of each partner my not be in agreement with the other and the may competitive or hostile each other.


They want to retain their cognitive and affective independence.


                  The second level of conjunction : involves the cognitive self of two partners.


This include how they how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, and what philosophy of life and religious beliefs they officially sustain.


These cognitive behaviors and habits tend to be more resistant to mutual adaptation for achieving reciprocity in the relationship.


When they are both spiritually committed to the unity mode, they will find ways of agreeing with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.


The third level of conjunction : involves the partner’s affective self their feelings motivations, and goals of happiness and togetherness.


The basis of the inmost level of intimacy is affective conjunction between husband and wife, when they are thinking of themselves as a permanent couple.



         4. Unity thought reciprocity and differentiation


                           The first principle : Differentiation


                                    The threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different.


                           The second principle : Reciprocity


                                    The diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the trait of a

man and vice versa.


                           The third principle : Eternity


Marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that is not just for this world – “till death do us part” but is eternal, since the

spirit or mental self of a person is immortal.



(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it. 


I think that they picked up the key points such as the three phases in marriage and the conjoint self to explain the main points from the

exercise 3.1. For example, there are three phases in marriage, the first level is dominance phase that involves sensorimotor

conjunction, the second level is equity phase that involves cognitive conjunction, and the third level is unity phase that involves

affective, cognitive, and sesorimotor conjunction. The conjoint self is a very important way to achieve the perfection of unity through

differentiation and reciprocity in the unity model of marriage.



(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification. 


I think that they tried to explain the main points such as the three level of conjunction in the marriage relationship from the lecture

notes, for theses reasons, this presentation is good way to explain the ideas that human beings involve the three level of unity model. I

would like to recommend that they can ask to not only boyfriends or girlfriends but also family and friends about the three level of unity in the relationship.



(d) What was the success of the approach they used?


I think that they presented the main ideas to explain the three level of unity in the marriage relationship. For example, they explained the dominance phase, the equity phase, and the unity phase, and after they focused on the three phases in the marriage relationship, they gave examples from their experience. For these processes, I am impressed with their experience between boyfriends or girlfriends in their life-style to influence of my mind.


(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions? 


I think that we needed to ask questions about the main points from the exercise to participate each other after they made a

presentation. For example, after presenters make a speech, listeners ask a question to be able to be reciprocal in the class. Throughout the presentation, I think that their presentation was great explanation because they organized the lecture contents to present the three levels of unity in the marriage relationship.



(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?


                           I think that some exercises are good ways to share the different ideas from personal experience and some exercises are very important

ways to understand the main points from the lecture notes. Throughout the these types of exercise, although I think that there are limitations to make a own opinion, the presentation is very important ways to share a piece of information and different opinions, to understand the lecture material, and to interact with each other.



(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises. 


I think that the exercise is very help ways to think about what the main ideas want to give a message for us in the lecture notes. When I

try to find out an answer, I focus on the key wards from the questions in order to understand the lecture contents. This time, I tried to think back to the old days in my life experience to be able to relate with the main ideas and tried to ask about the marriage relationship to my parents and friends. In the lecture notes, I learned that there are the three levels of unity in the marriage relationship, the first level of conjunction involves the sensorimotor self, the second level of conjunction involves the cognitive self and the sensorimotor self, and the third level of the conjunction involves the affective self, the cognitive self, and the affective self. For these main ideas, when I tried to react the some exercise, especially No.4 or No.5 are very useful ways to understand the main points about the conjoint self in the unity model because I realized that we involve the cognitive intimacy the second stage of the equity phase and we involve the cognitive intimacy and the affective intimacy in the unity phase. In addition, these exercises have an effect to relate with our life experience and to influence of my life how to involve the metal intimacy in order to achieve the unity phase of marriage for the future.



Section 4. Annotated web link


1.   Mental intimacy


There are gender differences between women and men in mental intimacy. The second level of conjunction involves the cognitive self and the third level of conjunction involves the affective self in order to achieve the unity model of marriage relationship. This web site is useful ways to share and to understand the differences about the mental intimacy between men and women.


2.   Marital intimacy


Human beings involve the threefold self in the three level of unity in the marriage relationships; sensorimotor self, cognitive self, and

affective self. Marital intimacy is the best ways to share, to understand, and to interact with each other. This web site is very essential              ways to consider about the partners what you are doing, what you are thinking, and what you are feeling.


3.   Unity in marriage


The tree levels of unity in the marriage relationship achieve the conjoint self because of the sensorimotor, the cognitive, and the affective conjunction. Men and women are different ways to express the feeling of the emotion because of the difference mental anatomy. Women need to know what men are really thinking but men’s goal is to have her know every thing, or everything she wants to know. This web site is very peace ways to think what the partner’s wish for the unity in the marriage relationship.


         4. Married vs. Single (women perspective)


While Dr. Laura tried to prove that being married could improve lives in many ways on both men and women, this article from Oprah web site show the different view of being married vs. single. In this article, the author said that single is better than married because being married bring so much trouble to our lives such divorce, widowed and so on. The article is on women perspective in which the author said that when you are single, you can do many in life and more freedom and also you do not have to depend on men to be happy.


5. Salary Comparison: Married vs. Single



This article is also about married vs. single but it only focus on salary. This article was written by Dr. Al Lee. He said that married increase your salary. The reason that the salary increase because you have more motivation on work harder and saving money for family because when you are single, you only respond for your own life but you are married, you have to think more about future.


6. Conversational Coherence


Coherence is a kind of impression that arises (or not) in a person who attempts to understand particular language use. Conversational coherence has pattern, form, structure, and strategy. It also said that Conversationalists' goals must play a central role in any adequate explanation of discourse production and interpretation in conversations.


7. Conversation and Cultures


There is some difference between cultures in conversational style such element structuring and ending conversation. American conversational style is like a tennis match. They have to move quickly on someone else get your turn or think that you do not want to engage in conversation. In contrast, Japanese conversation is like bowling. Everybody watches respectfully and quietly and takes turns.


         8. Mental and Emotional Abuse


This website gives readers basic ideas about mental and emotional abuse in a marriage.  The different forms of mental abuse take

place in a marriage and some tips to recover and end mental abuse. 


9. The Delights of Wisdom Pertaining to Conjugial Love by Emanuel Swedenborg


If you want to read more about Emanuel Swedenborg’s conjugial love, this is the place you should click.  You can even download this whole book or read it online. 


10. Conjugial Love (Rogers) n. 128


This website gives you all the definitions of "conjugial love”, if you wish to understand more about conjugial love, click the link above.