Ennead of Conjunctive Marriage

This is Report 2

By: Jennifer Lee

Chloe Yogi

Tracy Nieto

Ana Valenzuela 

Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27

Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii

Class home page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy27/409b-g27-lecture-notes.htm

 

 

 

SECTION 1: Lecture Contents

3 Levels Of Unity In The Marriage Relationship

In research and observations, most couples report experiencing negative feelings and react by retaliating, exploiting, abusing, or injuring their partner.  For the most part, physical and mental abuse is practiced more by men than by women in most of societies and cultures.  Men tend to misread the intentions of their wife or girlfriend and are likely to use stereotyped, incorrect, and biased thinking about them.  Adult men preserve the ability and internal desire to denigrate women in their mind and with other men.  It’s not until the man is spiritually enlightened that he realizes he should feel shame and guilt from belittling women.  He then learns that doing so is contrary to heaven and that without being united to a woman, he cannot be his best self or achieve ultimate happiness.

By thinking un-heavenly thoughts man cannot reach true self.  Through thinking badly of women he is weakened and cannot reach his ultimate potential.  When a man realizes this deprivation, he stops thinking badly about the woman he loves, and no longer thinks badly of any woman.

Man and woman are created to achieve unity with the reciprocal sex. Women are more aware of this regardless of their education, and Men are more vulnerable to education shaping their inner thinking. They consume the negative bias in science more deeply into their reasoning process.  Women, however, retain a distinct rational perception of conjunction, on the external and internal levels.  Men are unaware of this until they become spiritually enlightened.  Then they are able to examine the positive bias perspective in regards to eternal spiritual marriages. When they become enlightened they begin to project a new chivalrous character and become real men they unite themselves with a woman. 

The key to this achievement is practicing a self-witnessing life monitoring what the mental organs are doing regarding the feelings (A), thoughts (C), and actions (S).  Finding the control over our gender behavior in the three domains of the threefold self, we can circumvent cultural and psychological habits that obstruct successful marriage relationships.

Important in the unity model of marriage is understanding the concept of the conjoint self which is the perfection through differentiation, and reciprocity of the couple.  Conjugial love has rule the love of a man, just as it already rules the woman for eternity. The conjoint self is her external desire connected to his external understanding and her internal will connected to his internal understanding.

Sometimes a man cannot halt disagreement with a woman on it is necessary for him to practice conjugial simulation or act like he agrees with her even if he disagrees. A husband or boyfriend practices the unity model by remaining committed to listening, trying to agree, hiding his disagreement, valuing what she says, and honoring what she wants.  The conjoint self refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the threefold self by attaining new character and personality traits that fit together as a differentiated reciprocal unit.  By the male being conjugial and chivalrous or gallant, he is being good and heavenly and later the male will experience the diminishing of disagreements and disapprovals in connection with his wife or girlfriend. 

THE INITIAL OR 1ST LEVEL OF CONJUNCTION:

The initial or first level of conjunction involves the sensorimotor portion of the couples threefold self involving overt activities such as touching each other, partying, or watching movies.  It important to note that these external activities do not necessarily mean that the two partners are in agreement with each other's way of thinking, attitudes, feelings, or motivations.

During this initial phase of conjunction, the men and the women each bond with same-sex friends outside the marriage.  Women usually experience in this external phase of the relationship disappointment or pain. Women often have to bond with other women to support and reassure each other during this phase.  Men often refuse to accept the idea that they would be happier if they adopted traits that their wife or girlfriend wants and got rid of the unfavorable ones.  At this external level of conjunction, men feel more comfortable than women because they exercise more control in the relationship as they try to resist the women to retain independence, meanwhile the women strive to achieve mutual and reciprocal interdependence.  This develops a conflict in the sensorimotor self.

This natural difference between women and men occurs at all levels of their human nature including the biological, social, psychological, and spiritual perspectives.  In a biologically and social perspective women are or make themselves dependent on men for reproduction, parenting, and lifestyle habits.  Psychologically, women love the man's intelligence, and they assume the husband's philosophies as their own, as long as they think they are morally valid.  In the spiritual aspect, the inside is superior to what is on the outside making a woman's spiritual intelligence is superior to a man's, similar to a man's spiritual love is superior to a woman's.  The woman's superior spiritual intelligence conjoins with the man's superior spiritual love.

Though men and women can share similarities, it is their differentiation and reciprocity that connects them.  What is similar can be adjoined, but only reciprocals can conjoined, which is the ultimate goal.  So through relationships the couples will not only be in sensorimotor conjunction but also sensorimotor disjunction.  Sensorimotor disjunction refers to overt interactions motivated by the opposite of intimacy and conjunction, which is unfriendly and unsexy.  By inhibiting any unpleasant or unsexy expressions or gestures, it reduces sensorimotor disjunction.

One possible product of sensorimotor disjunction is sexual blackmail.  That is when a female feels obligated to have sex even though she was hurt by his behavior or expressions.  She remembers the unsexy behavior, but she obliges to have sex with him so that she is not accused of being a bad girlfriend or wife.  Men also perform sensorimotor disjunction by swearing at her, making her carry loads, or forgetting important dates and anniversaries.  By engaging in sensorimotor conjunction and disjunction the couples can deepen their relationship and enter the second level of conjunction 

THE 2nd LEVEL OF CONJUNCTION

The second level of conjunction involves the cognitive self of the two partners.  The cognitive self relates to how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what philosophy of life and religious beliefs they officially sustain, and moral values.  Because disagreeing is the opposite of conjunction, if the two are both committed to the unity in the relationship they find ways of agreeing with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.

Sensorimotor conjunction does not necessarily mean they have a more interior conjunction, but that they can achieve and external cognitive unity by joint involvement in activities.  So when the couple can reach cognitive conjunction on the second level they can deeper love each other and satisfy and enrich one another.

Cognitive conjunction is often easier for women because they are spiritually oriented towards conjunction.  Men, on the other hand, are spiritually infatuated with their own ideas, and resist change.  Men view the conjoint self as giving up selfhood, while women see it as gaining togetherness.  Men and women have contrastive cognitive focus being that the woman's feminine intelligence focuses on the interactional methods of conjunction with her man, while the man's masculine intelligence focuses on the way of achieving control over the environment including his woman.

One way men resist cognitive intimacy is by information flow control in their own favor by keeping secrets.  But to reach cognitive intimacy the male has to decide whether that is what he wants to do, and if he does want to reach cognitive intimacy, he has to tell his woman what he is thinking when she wants to know it.  In the beginning of their relationship, their cognitive lives are unknown to each other, but if they want to progress in the relationship, he has to want to share with her.  That is very difficult for men because they want to maintain their planning and thinking independence and may accuse the woman of prodding and being pushy which is very unsexy.  Men resist sharing what they think with their women because they don’t want them to react to the way they think.  They also don’t want the feminine intelligence to illuminate their perspective. However, if they allow her to do so, they love it.  To reach unity men have to tell their women and let them have their full reaction to it without injuring her and taking into account what she has to say and doing something about it.  He has to change his way of thinking so that they may reach full satisfaction.

A hard thing to understand about the unity model of marriage is the lopsidedness in favor of women.  Unity rule applies in which the husband always has to listen to the woman and agree with her,  The wife expects her husband to tell her what he thinks, how he thinks about something, and even what he thinks is wrong with her plan or conclusion about something.  He should go along with her for the most part excluding exceptions such as: she is mentally ill, deranged, abnormal thinking, or perverted by previous experiences. Then the man has to think for her and decide what is best for her

THE 3rd LEVEL OF CONJUNTION

The third level of conjunction involves the affective self of the couple which is their feelings, motivations and goals of togetherness.  It is the basis of the inmost intimacy of the couple when they consider their partnership permanent.  Through long-term committed reciprocal growth they can achieve conjoint feelings, loves, desires, and growths.  They give up feelings that are not conjoint because if one reserves part of themselves to themselves, it weakens the affective conjunction.

If a man spends time away from his woman like being with his friends, it excludes the woman and does not help in conjunction with his woman.  It slows down the progress toward affective intimacy.  However, there are healthy relationships between men that do not exclude the woman.  Men should inquire about the woman’s perspective on whom he chooses to hang out with.  Men and women have different reasons for hanging out with same-sex friends. Women hang out with other women to support each others marriages, while some men can facilitate the resistance of a man’s total conjunction with his wife.  That could be problematic because when a woman feels neglected by her man, she loses motivation to make things work out with him.

 

SECTION 2: Team Presentation on Readings

 

 

Generational Curriculum 26: Report #1 (1-12)

 

The Generational Curriculum 26 (Report #1) focused on the Ennead Chart (below) and in order to explain this complicated chart, there was examples from movies like Prime and 50 First Dates.  Before I go into examples from those films, I will briefly explain the chart. 

 

 

 

 

 

***(I color-coded the levels according to the 3-fold self to be read easier)

 

 

3 MODELS OF MARRIAGE

3-FOLD SELF

Sensorimotor

(External)

Cognitive

(Internal)

Affective

(Inmost/Feelings)

Unity

(Conjunctive)

7

8

9

Equity

(Negotiated)

4

5

6

Dominance

(Coercive)

1

2

3

 

Brief Synopsis of the films: Prime and 50 First Dates:

 

            Prime involved a relationship with a young man, Dave, and his older girlfriend, Rafi.  Rafi is a recently divorced woman in her thirties who is dating Dave, who is in his twenties.  Dave’s mother is also Rafi’s psychiatrist.  Their relationship seems to all be in fun and filled with sex.  Throughout the film, Dave tells his mother he likes a woman of a different religion.  The mother later finds out the relationship between her son and Rafi and does not approve.  Rafi and Dave have consistent arguments when he decides to move in with her.  In the end, they split up and go on with their separate lives.

 

            50 First Dates involved a relationship between Henry and Lucy.  Henry meets Lucy at a café and tries to get a date with her, only to find out that she has short-term memory loss from a car accident.  Every time she sleeps, her memory of that day gets wiped clean, so she only remembers up to the day of the accident.  Henry gets creative on winning dates with her and fails most of the time.  He finally gets past the fact that she has a memory problem and works around it by trying to make her fall in love with him everyday.  She unconsciously dreams about him, but does not know who he is.  Henry loves her so much and he was willing to work as hard as he can to make her happy.  In the end, they end up together with a daughter.    

 

1 - Dominant Sensorimotor Interactions: This level portrays the sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner (pertaining to the male).

 

 

 

2 - Dominant Cognition: This level portrays the thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant (pertaining to the male).

 

 

 

3 - Dominant Affections: This level portrays that the male is constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive.

 

 

 

4 – Equal Sensorimotor: This level portrays the sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of the couples performance and achievement.

 

 

 

5 - Equal Cognitions: This level involves the thoughts about evaluation of each other in the relationship.

 

 

 

6 - Equal Affections: This level portrays how the couple is constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from their partner.

 

 

 

7 – Unified Sensorimotor: This level portrays the sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of the couple’s mental unity, as one.

 

 

 

8 – Unified Cognition: This level involves the thoughts about spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction as one.

 

 

 

9 - Unified Affections: This level portrays the couples’ constant motivation and striving to achieve mental closeness, so that they may become a conjoint self in eternity.

 

 

 

Conjunctive vs. Disjunctive Relationships

 

            Prime portrayed a disjunctive relationship.  They never reached the unity model of marriage.  They argued a lot and were an “on and off” couple.  The generation and age difference were a big factor.  He was still young and having his fun and she was already established with a place of her own and a steady job.  She was way more advanced than he was.  Dave also cheated on her, which backtracked to the dominance stage.  They also had religious cognitive differences, which made it difficult for both of them.  Dave was still a selfish child because he was allowing Rafi to be late for work because of him and also because he hid is friend from her when he didn’t ask for her permission to have a friend over.  Rafi is not Dave’s mother.  This adds in to the irritability of the relationship on Rafi’s part, making the affective selves of both parties unequal.

 

             50 First Dates portrayed a conjunctive relationship.  Despite Lucy’s brain disorder, the couple worked around that and loved each other for who they were.  Henry was persistent in getting a date with Lucy from the beginning and nothing was going to stop him.  Henry did everything to please Lucy and he genuinely loved her and vice versa.  The only argument was when she wanted to delete him from his life so that the burden of her disorder would not stop Henry from his dreams of sailing.  This is an understandable argument because Lucy was being selfless and did not want to break up with Henry (Henry knew her feelings).  Henry was willing to drop everything to take care of her.  He got close with her family, wrote her a song, and even made a video that explained her brain disorder and their life together since she could not remember the days she spent with Henry.  She watched that video every morning to explain her life as it is now. In the end, she watched the video of them getting married and she realizes that she is on a boat next to glaciers.  Henry did get his dream of sailing the world.  Henry went above and beyond to get what he wanted and he took care of Lucy and her just being there made him a happier man.  They both share the love equally.

 

Reaction

 

            My experiences in relationships, I feel the disjunctive relationship in Prime is relatively common.  Living in America, the divorce rates are high and marrying for love is less common.  My parents are divorced and they would always argue about everything.  They just did not get along.  I believe that my parents barely reached the equity model (#4) in the Ennead Chart.  I barely saw them show affection to each other.  The boys that I have dated have been clueless as to how to truly treat a woman.  Most women are not hard to please if men know what to do.  I also think men have major flaws in the cognitive department.  They tend to do things and then think about it after.  For instance, my ex-boyfriends broke up with me and then later asked for me back.  Their reason is “I didn’t know what I was thinking.  I was at a point in my life where I didn’t know what I wanted”.  I’m sorry, but that is no excuse for breaking my heart.  

 

            On a lighter note, I have occasionally seen conjunctive relationships.  My uncle has a great relationship with his wife.  He calls her up everyday during lunch to see how she is doing.  His wife has major migraines and his sensorimotor self portrays his concern and love for her by calling her.  Also, my teacher has a great relationship with her husband.  They have been married for over 25 years and they still have “date” nights.  They have a son who is intellectually impaired, but they work together.  There seems to be a reoccurring pattern of a drastic change in life, which makes couples stronger: my uncle whose wife has severe migraines, and my teacher who has an impaired son.  It seems that relationships that seems rough on the surface are actually the strong ones.  I hope to find a man that I can have a conjunctive relationship with.  I feel discouraged to seek a man out there because of the heartaches I’ve been through, but I need to be positive and understand that I have to go through those previous relationships to know what’s good or bad.                 

 

Gender and Discourse, by Deborah Tannen

Chapter 3 Gender Differences in Conversational Coherence: Physical Alignment and Topical Cohesion (P.85-135)

            In this chapter Deborah Tannen covered an experiment in which multiple 20 minute videotapes of eight pairs of friends were observed. In these tapes, the same-sex pair of friends were instructed to engage in a task of conversation and talk about “something serious and/or intimate”. The videotapes were made by Bruce Dorval, and he visited second-, sixth-, and tenth-grade classrooms and invited students to come to his office on a university campus and talk to their same-sex best friend for 20 minutes. He also invited adult women and me who attended his psychology courses at the university to bring their best friends to his office for the same purpose. What Tannen observed from these tapes, she discussed in the chapter as 2 elements of emergent coherence in conversation- physical alignment and topical cohesion.

Physical Alignment

- The ways that speakers position their heads and bodies in relation to each other including eye gaze

            For each age-grouped pair of speakers, the patterns of physical alignment were instantly apparent by watching the videotapes, with the sound turned off. Even if there were no differences in how they spoke, their physical alignment, body posture, movements and eye gaze made for very different forms of conversational involvement. How girls differed from boys is what Tannen focused on. What she consistently questioned throughout the results from each tape is whether the common disillusion that boys and men seem less engaged from each other while in conversation, as opposed to girls, also meant that they lacked engagement in their separate conversations. 

Grade two

            The boys at this age were observed to look at each other occasionally and would squirm in their chairs, never being able to sit still or fully, physically engage in a conversation. The second-grade girls, however, are more physically engaged with each other during conversation. One girl, Ellen, shifts her position throughout the session; however she and her friend Jane keep the space between them small. The contrast in physical composure and level of physical activity is in keeping with prior research on very young boys and girls. While the boys moved around more, the girls, in all the positions in which they sat, looked straight into each other’s faces and their bodies remained facing each other throughout.

Grade Six

            The physical alignment of the sixth-grade boys followed the same pattern. Both boys kept their gaze away from each other during conversation, and fidgeted continuously while they talked. The girls, however, were comparatively different. They too, followed the same pattern as the second-grade girls; bodies aligned, facing each other in gaze and body posture. 

Grade Ten

            In contrast to the second grade boys, the tenth-grade boys were relatively still, however the postures they maintained still followed the same pattern. One observation Tannen commented on was that they looked like two people riding in a car; side by side, each looking ahead rarely looking at each other. Again, the girls were in complete contrast, following the same physical alignment pattern as the second-, and sixth-grade girls.

Twenty-Five-Year-Old’s

            The men, like the tenth-grade boys, aligned themselves with their chairs rather than with each other. One of the men, Timothy, was observed to keep his gaze more or less steadily ahead and rarely looked at his friend. However he is not looking as far off in another direction as the tenth-graders. As for the women, they, once more, conform to the pattern. Both women maintain steady and rarely broken eye contact throughout their conversations.

Topical Cohesion

- How speakers introduce and develop topics in relation to their own and others’ prior and projected talk.

            The pattern of topical cohesion is analogous to that of physical and visual alignment: The girls’ and women’s’ talk is more tightly focused the boys’ and men’s’ more diffuse. At all four ages, there are differences between genders in terms of what topics they discuss and what concerns emerge in their choice of topics. Plus it is observed that there is much concern among the girls with separation and avoidance of anger and disagreement.

Grade Two

            Among the second-and sixth-grade boys, no topic was elaborated. The second-grade boys showed extreme discomfort in the situation of sitting in a room with nothing to do but talk. Instead they talked about finding something to do. There are only two extended turns in the 20 minutes: one in which a boy, Jimmy, explains a video game and another where he explains how to play patty cake to his friend, Kevin. Throughout their conversation it is evident that simply sitting and talking is not something that seems natural to do with a friend.

            The girls, on the other hand, follow the pattern of topical cohesion with physical alignment. They immediately agreed on a topic that was also an activity: They told each other stories. Although the girls do not explicitly tie their stories to the previous story, it is easy to track the cohesion from one story to the next. Thus, the girls discuss a single topic, with many subtopics. In addition they are able in engage in a conversation with ease and no visible discomfort as the boys.

Grade Six

            In their 20 minute conversation, the boys touched on 55 topics. No topic extended over more than a few turns, and only two turns extended for more than a few utterances. They switched topics often and no topic was extensively elaborated. The girls, however, again presented a staggering contrast with the boys. They focused on different aspects of their personal lives and were able to elaborate. What Tannen points out during their conversation is two aspects of speaking style, which is noticeable when one hears their voices. First their talk has a highly stylized sing-song quality that is easily recognizable as typical of teenage girls’ talk. Second, much of their talk is made up of what Tannen termed “constructed dialogue”.

Grade Ten

            Because Tannen observes a profound resemblance between the tenth-grade and sixth-grade girls, she discusses the girls first in this section. The tenth-grade girls 20 minute talk includes 18 topics, but 16 of these were found in the first 5 minutes, before they settled down to talk. Their conversation paralleled the situation with the sixth-grade girls in that it focused on one of the girls’ problematic relations with other people, and that these topics were raised by the other girl. Although not as stylized, the tenth-grade girls fell into a similar intonation pattern as the sixth-grade girls when settling on a topic for conversation. What Tannen noticed was two frequent styles of verb introduction. First, the verb “go” (e.x “I go ‘Why::?’”), and using “be+like” as a form for introducing dialogue (e.x “I was like ‘Go::d’.”) Tannen observed that the intonation contours are exaggerated and the pivotal events are relationships among people and speaker’s feelings about them.

            The tenth-grade boys’ conversation was partly anomalous among the boys and men, and partly conforming to pattern. They did not look at each other, but they also did not look aimlessly around the room as did the second- and sixth-grade boys. Similarly, they didn’t use objects in the room as resources for talk. Although their conversation included many intertwined subtopics, the tenth-grade boys’ talk revolved around two related topics, each reflecting the preoccupation of one of the boys. Both topics grew out of the boys’ relationships, feelings, behavior, and conversations that arose during a party they attended the night before. Although they followed the same physical alignment pattern as the other boys’ and men, the conversation of the tenth-grade boys provided dramatic evidence that the physical alignment pattern did not mean lack of engagement. Tannen remarked that out of all the conversations, these boys’ conversation was the most “intimate”. The boys, like the girls, talked about other people. They also spent a lot of time putting others down. Whereas the girls were specific in criticizing the behavior of others, the boys put them down in a general way. Furthermore, each boy frequently brought up his won topic in immediate response to the other’s expression of his. Moreover, both boys frequently downplayed or dismissed the concerns expressed by the other.

Twenty-Five-Year-Olds’

            The men exhibited much difficulty finding a topic, marked by displays of cerebral effort and strain. Finally they settle on what, to them, is a “serious” topic, marriage. Although marriage is a topic of personal concern to everyone, these men’s conversation about marriage is carried on for the most part on a theoretical level. Later in the discussion, although the men turned to their personal positions on the topic, they still were fairly abstract.

            The women cover their own relationships with each other as well as their personal life plans and choices. Because of what Tannen believed as an early misunderstanding, their conversation has an odd tension about it. Throughout it, the women seemed to be vying for the distinction of having little confidence, low grades, lack of ability, and poor communication skills; when they did admit to positive qualities, they belittled them.

Conclusion

            What I concluded from reading chapter three was how the pattern of speaking and conversational styles differed from each gender, however followed in parallel from each same-sex pair of friends throughout the age groups. The women exemplified the same pattern in physical alignment throughout their conversation as did the second-grade girls, as did the men from the second-grade boys. In both alignment of posture and gaze and development of topics, the girls and women focused more tightly and more directly on each other than did the boys and men. However, this does not necessarily mean that the boys and men were less engaged conversational wise. Although they did not align themselves directly to each other, they were clearly orienting to each other and conversationally involved. Tanned suggests that gender differences can be understood as cultural differences. I agree with her, in that the cultural norm for engagement is taken from a female perspective. However men do not follow that pattern. So it is crucial to understanding that these gender differences relate to the patterns of how conversations are structured. Seeing and understanding these differences is important in order to explain negative impressions made by cross-gender conversations without casting blame or making negative value judgments.

 

The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Chapter 3, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (P.85-104)

            In this chapter Dr. Laura focuses on the notion that many people have about marriage; it will automatically change everything to the positive and “their way”. She states that marriage is not advanced dating. She also brings up questions and issues that people have such as a person has a spouse to whom has an unacceptable point to view or behavior which they accepted while dating but is now to huge to suffer any longer. Here are three survey questions Dr. Laura asked male and female listeners separately, and their responses.

Marriage

1)      What was your biggest surprise to learn about marriage?

2)      In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?

3)      What are the benefits of being married vs. single?

For the responses, Dr. Laura separated the women from the men, and I have picked out a few examples from each response, as did the presenter from the group who discussed this chapter in the readings.

Typical answers from women

1. What was your biggest surprise to learn about marriage?

~ “After I said my vows on my wedding day I felt even more committed and bound to my husband, even though we had dated monogamously and felt committed for a long courtship.”

~ “That marriage didn’t solve all of my problems and it didn’t make me feel complete. What a letdown.”

~ “That you could love someone so strongly one minute and want to kill them the next minute.” “That people are like coins; there are two sides to a coin and you cannot separate them. The side of the coin you love is linked to a side you do not love and con drive you crazy.”

            When the group presented this, they took the responses as positive and negative views on marriage. Here are some examples of advice Dr. Laura offered for when at the end of the day, the yearning for relief or positive-ness can helped be achieved:

~ Start thinking positively about it (think good thoughts about your spouse and warm thoughts about the family together at day’s end).

~ Get ready in your mind something you’re going to say to be fresh water to your spouse’s parched being.

~Ask him/her something specific concerning something you know they had to deal with today…and look interested even if you’re not!”

2. In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?

~ “I have felt accepted and loved for exactly who I am, the good and the bad, and therefore have been able to accept my husband and our kids in the same way. I used to seek an impossible goal of perfection for myself and others and I was miserable, always falling short.”

~ “Together we make an awesome team.”

~ “I like myself more because I see that my husband loves me.”

3. What are the benefits of being married vs. single?

~ “I have the benefit of knowing that someone loves me enough to commit himself legally to me. We’re forever responsible to each other under the law and in God’s eyes.”

~ “Knowing that no matter what difficulties life throws at us there is always someone in your corner to help you through it.”

~ “Being with someone who understands what I am thinking and saying.”

            After these observations, Dr. Laura states that when you think more positively about life, love and marriage, you instantly become more patient, compassionate, forgiving of the small stuff, and very grateful for what you have.

Typical answers for men

1. What was your biggest surprise to learn about marriage?

~ “Your free time is cut by 80 percent.”

~ “I was amazed how little my outside friends and activities mattered. I would much rather and still do rather be with my wife and do things with her.”

~ “Married women do not compromise much; it is left up to the man to compromise to his wife’s perceived problem.”

2. In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?

~ “ I’ve learned how to love with all my heart and to trust because I feel like a man, a wanted and desired being, and a complete man. I love it and how it fits.”

~ “I was very selfish and self-centered. She opened me up to sharing and caring about others.”

~ “Made me responsible and kept me from doing foolish things.”

3. What are the benefits of being married vs. single?

~ “Married I always have someone on my side and someone to talk to about anything.”

~ “I eat better.”

~ “The screaming sex drive actually can have a regular outlet with someone who loves you.” “I think sex is more enjoyable because it is safer and easier to obtain.” “A constant loving companion, someone who is ‘in it’ with you, good sex, frequent sex, good sex…did I say frequent sex?”

            Dr.Laura observes, throughout the responses of the men, how dominant, in general women are in setting the tone and style of the relationship of marriage. This is not something she quite agrees with, however I do believe that in learning about the Unity Model, this is necessary in order to achieve this level. She states that in terms of marriage, men are generally medically, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and financially more well off when married. These would be evidence supporting the benefits of a materialistic marriage, to which Dr. Laura seems to favor and refer to when giving advice to her listeners.

 

Section 3: Team Presentation on Exercises

(Lecture 3)  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy27/409b-g27-lecture-notes.htm#levels

(Exercise 3.1) http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy27/409b-g27-lecture-notes.htm#EXERCISE_3.1

 

 

  1. Summarize the main ideas.

 

The group explained the three levels of unity in a marriage relationship.  They focused on the three conjunctions, which are sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective.  They discussed self-witnessing, reciprocity, and the three principles of the conjugial love, which were, differentiation, reciprocity, and eternity, and gave examples that were real-life situation, and from the media.

 

 

  1. Describe what they did and how the did it.

 

Each of the team members gave great examples of the conjugial love and the threefold-self model, so that it was easier, understandable, and topics where we can relate too.  Each person divided up the three conjunctions and focused on one, and explained how to get closer to the unity phase, and also, what is being accomplished in this state.  They briefly explained how to reach the unity phase, by practicing self-witnessing, and how a man needs to not act in the anti-unity, where he acts on himself.  She also stated that women talk to other females, they usually give each other advice; while men talk to other men, they usually complain or disrespect the women, and I thought this was consequently true!

 

  1. Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification

 

The team could have elaborated more on the female and male spiritual intelligence and spiritual love so I could have a better understanding of it.  Also give more descriptive details on the three principles of the conjugial love.  Overall, I think they did a good job.  They also could’ve prepared the audience to what question they were going to answer, so we would know what to expect.

 

  1. What was the success of the approach they used

 

They gave a lot of good examples from other people, the media, and also with their own personal life.  The team’s speech was easy to follow and they kept it interesting.  They explained and gave examples of each conjunction in the threefold self, so it was easier to differentiate between the three.

 

  1. What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions

 

I didn’t feel they needed any improvements, it seemed they were all well prepared for their oral presentation.  If anything, they could have prepared the audience what they are presenting and what they are answering.  They all spoke clear and loud for everyone to hear.

 

 

  1. What are the limitations of these types of exercise

 

I think the only limitation would be for this type of exercise is that it is only based on people’s opinions.  Again, were discussing about the conjugial relationship and the threefold-self, and there may be some people that still have negative bias towards the meaning of what Swedenborg observed, and if this is really how the male and female should act and follow, in order to reach the unity phase.  While others may have stepped out of their box, and leaned toward the positive bias with an open mind, they can relate and agree to what is said. 

 

  1. Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises

 

What I tried myself was the “holding hands” technique.  They mentioned how cute it was when they see elderly people hold hands.  However, when I participated in that action, it only lasted for maybe 20 seconds!  I’m not really into the PDA (public display of affection), but I still try to follow the unity model.  It seems that my boyfriend doesn’t understand that he has to follow it, or at least try to, so we can reach that unity phase.  Also, I believe when it’s said that men keep secrets to avoid them (women) from stopping what the do.  For example, if I found out that my boyfriend was out drinking instead of working, I would get upset.  Luckily he tells me everything… hopefully.

 

 

Section 4: Annotated Web Links

 

1.      Ending of 50 First Dates

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YAiMc8qKPyY

 

            This is the ending of the movie 50 First Dates, where Henry (on the boat) realizes that that Lucy may remember Henry. He goes back to Lucy and she does not remember him, but she takes him to her studio to show him her portraits of him.  She confessed that she dreams about him every night.  The brain tends to pick up things that impact the individual even when the individual doesn’t know it. The video Henry makes is also shown and he took the time to make that video for her to understand her life. To make her feel comfortable and ease her from the stress of the shock she would get when she realizes her life she does not remember.

 

2.      7 Steps to Good Relationships

 

 http://personaldevelopment.suite101.com/article.cfm/7_steps_to_good_relationships

 

      This article is like a “how to” improve relationships with: commitment, freedom, respect, support, equality, health conflict resolution, and trust in all relationships.  These components are hard to maintain and that is probably why conjunctive relationships are so rare.  Commitment seems to be the main key in a relationship because if you don’t have commitment, then there really can’t be anything else. It’s like the door to a long-term relationship.

 

3.  How To Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship in 3 Easy Steps

 

http://searchwarp.com/swa298904.htm

 

            This article is a “how to” on how to have a disjunctive relationship.  The first step is to constantly respond with “I doubt it”, the second is the inappropriate laughter technique (ILT) where you just giggle at not funny things, and the third is to write all the bad things about your partner and focus on them.  They violate the cognitive level because the other partner will think something is wrong and feel inferior to their partner.  These techniques change the cognitions of the couple.

 

4. Kids’ Thoughts on Love

 

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/kids_thoughts_on_love

 

This article is cute because it talks about what kids think about love.  These kids are quite interesting and not so far from the truth.  It’s scary how these young kids are so materialistic when it comes to love. Is it America that is doing this to them? For instance, a 9-year-old got asked what people do on the first date and he responds that they tell each other lies, which gets them interested to go on a second date!  How manipulatively cute is this?  This is a must read!

 

5. EHarmony

 

www.eharmony.com

 

This is the site that they gave an example of.  This is a trusted relationship site, and is marriage oriented, to where people of all ages can meet other people, and be compatible with their true love.

(Other website are www.match.com, or www.cupid.com)

 

6. The Three Fold Path

 

http://www.selfdiscoveryportal.com/arThreefoldpath.htm

 

I found this site to be really interesting.  This is just another interpretation of what Swedenborg wrote.  It explains the threefold-self, but in a different religion.  It doesn’t consist of the same vocabulary that Swedengorg uses, such as sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective, but it uses similar meanings, such as physical steps, mental steps, and essential steps.  They also have different terms for the Unity Model of Marriage; instead of male dominance, equity, and unity, they obey by the, The Way (Dharma), The Life (Sangha), and The Truth (Buddha).  INTERESTING!!!

 

7. Five Element Basic Concept

 

http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/5EBasic.htm

 

This site introduces the five elements of the ying and yang.  These two symbol representations are complete opposites, but are needed to be in balance, just as said in Dr. Leon’s unity model of marriage lecture notes. 

 

8. Guy Talking to Wife on Phone

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4Liqm76tYM

 

This video shows to what extent a man will go to please his wife.  It also shows how everybody else understands his desire to please her, showing that it is important to reach that level of cognitive intimacy listening to what she has to say or at least pretending to.

 

9. Marriage, don't listen to your Wife!! - AdamJacobo.com

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsIb8TVEmEE

 

This clip exhibits how important it is to know what to say to a woman to make her feel like she is being listened to.  It also shows that the man should go to any lengths to make her feel good and happy in their relationship for it to work out.

 

10. Listen to Your Wife

 

http://www.shelovesgod.com/library/article.cfm?articleid=5383

 

Pastor Glenn Pease writes about how in history and in the bible men’s wives have had important things to say and advice that their husbands should have listened to.  He based his article on Matt. 27:11-26, and gives good accounts of how the wife shows woman’s intuition.