Intimacy: The Physical, Spiritual, Emotional and Mental Aspects

 

Author:

Jennifer Lee

 

Co Authors:

Caitlin Botelho

Brandon Nacapoy

Brandi Schmeling

Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27

Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii

Link to class home page

 

 

Section 1: Lecture Content

(By: Brandon Nacapoy)

          *Lecture Notes N16e

 

In this week’s lecture, Dr. James focused on the first two categories of interaction in the lecture notes titled “Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse.”  The first example of disjunctive replies of husbands and boyfriends are known as “Negation, Denial, Refusal.”  This type of interaction is basically exactly what it sounds like.  The male doesn’t agree with anything the woman says and always wants to show that his thoughts and thinking are right and not hers.  If she wants to do x, he says “let’s do y.”  If she says “this is what it is” he’ll reply by saying “No way, it’s that.”  If she accuses him of doing x, he’ll say “No, I did y.”  A wife or girlfriend will most likely not experience this type of interaction at the unity phase but it does happen frequently in the male dominance and equity phases.  This occurs at these two phases because the male is still trying to retain his independence in what he does and he doesn’t want to accept or “give-in” to his girlfriend or wife’s demands, thoughts, ideas, and feelings.  He uses replies such as these to keep his “control” in the relationship over her.  These disjunctive replies are seen as “unsexy” and is harmful to a couple’s attempt to reach unity.  But, there is hope, as found in the Unity Model idea, wives and girlfriends will be willing to take this kind of abuse from their male partner because females hope that he will eventually change his ways and form of interaction with her.  She can’t wait for him to treat her with respect and decency.

 

On the other hand, here are some examples of conjunctive replies by the husband or boyfriend.  If she wants to do x, then he will reply “ok, if you want to.”  If she points out that something is wrong and that “this” is the right way, he’ll agree and adopt her view on the situation.  If she tells him “You did x,” he’ll reply by saying “Strange how I remember doing y, but ok, we will accept your version.”  These are true examples of conjunctive interaction between partners and the male is very compromising and capable of surrendering his judgments and ideas to that of his wife or girlfriend.  When the husband reaches the unity phase, he governs his interactions in this way and tries his best to avoid and control any disjunctive replies to his partner, the wife or girlfriend.

 

* “I feel that disjunctive communication occurred more frequently in the beginning months/years of my relationship.  This is when our views were still individually distinct, and I held very different ideas than that of my girlfriend.  I wouldn’t want her pointing out that I was doing something wrong or that what I was thinking wasn’t right so I would always try to contest her on it.  Now that our relationship is almost at the 3 year mark, I seem to be doing this a lot less and am more focusing on what I can do to please her.  I am seemingly moving towards the unity phase but for now I see myself in the upper levels of the equity phase.”

 

The next category of interaction is known as “Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies.”  This is when the male talks to his children about his wife and doesn’t let her in on what he’s secretly telling them.  He puts her down when he’s out with his friends or other people.  He makes up things or lies to her about certain behaviors so he can keep his control over her.  He keeps what he does a secret and doesn’t want her to know anything about it.  He also enjoys embarrassing her in public when he brings up personal things between him and her and also contradicting and criticizing what she says to him.  These types of disjunctive interactions also occur during the male dominance and equity phases.  This is so because the male is still trying to retain his independence and control over her.

         

On the other hand, these would be examples of conjunctive behaviors or interactions.  He basically would do the opposite of everything he did above to ensure her happiness and feelings are taken care of.  So, he wouldn’t talk secretly with his children about her.  He would talk highly of his wife in front of friends or others as if she was there with him.  He wouldn’t try to lie or criticize certain behaviors to control her, and he tells her about everything he is planning and thinking about doing and his reasons for wanting to do them.

 

          * “Once again in the beginning of our relationship, I found myself doing these types of disjunctive interactions because I wasn’t ready to commit myself openly and freely to her.  I really feel now that all I really wanted was truly my independence and not be manipulated or taken advantage of.  Little did I know I was kind of manipulating and taking advantage of her.  Now we share everything with each other, we both know each other’s plans and ideas, and I don’t bad mouth her in front of friends.  Another reason is because a lot of my friends are her friends and that would just be wrong of me to do something like that.”

 

Next, Dr. James discussed the idea of spiritual secrets.  Secrets that the women carry are different from the deceitful and deceiving secrets of the husband or boyfriend.  The males secret’s are disjunctive because he wants to keep them from his wife so he can do whatever he wants that oppose their unity.  The girlfriend or wife’s secrets are for conjunctive reasons and are spiritual.  She keeps it from him because she knows he might not be able to handle the secret because it pertains to what she knows about him and how it hinders their unity together.  If she flat out told him, his reaction would definitely be disjunctive, and will try her very best to protect their potential conjugial unity in keeping these spiritual secrets from him.  However, according to Swedenborg, a wife can begin to share more and more of these secrets as the husband grows stronger and practices the unity model.  Spiritual secrets for women are a special perception in the interior mind that God gives the wife about her husband’s inner make up and being.

         

* “I personally haven’t experienced these spiritual secrets of my girlfriend but am definitely open to the idea that she may have them.  I guess she does know things about me and sometimes I can sense that she is not telling me things to in fact protect our relationship and conjunction together.  I want to ask her how she feels about this idea and if it holds true for her.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

The next section Dr. James discussed was Section 10.2 about Achieving intimacy.  This discusses the ways that the couple can achieve intimacy in their relationship. 

 

The first way is mental intimacy.  This is basically when both minds work as one.  They both have the same purpose or goal.  This form grows and grows as communication between the couple grows.  This is hard because communication is difficult.  But, through the couple’s commitment to work at unity, it can be done once the needs of the spouse become more important than one’s own.

 

The next way is physical intimacy.  This refers to the touch between partners.  This is not just sex but also is about the true feelings of warmth and togetherness.  As your intimacy grows, so does the physical intimacy.

 

The third way is known as spiritual intimacy.  This is bonding on the deepest level.  It puts “us” or the spouse at the center of focus rather than me against you.  It’s done through personal commitment to each other and a commitment to God that the relationship will be strong and remain faithful.

 

The last way is Emotional intimacy.  This is sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with your spouse openly and freely.  This is the most risky level because it requires the most vulnerability of the self.  Trust at this level is what holds everything together and it must be maintained to keep their love alive.

 

* “Since I have been with my girlfriend for a while now, I feel that we do connect on all the different levels of intimacy.  I feel very strong in these areas of intimacy.  We are honest, we share are deepest feelings, we are intimate and loving and we definitely feel for each other on the spiritual level in ways that no one else can.  Being intimate on all of these levels definitely aids in producing a stronger and more vibrant relationship and truly hits the core of an individual.  It also allows me to realize why I love her and still continually try to be with her through “thick and thin.””

 

Section 2: Team Presentation on Readings

 

Lazy Husband

Chapters 8 and 9 pages

Joshua Coleman

(By: Jennifer Lee)

 

In chapter 8, is primarily dedicated to the husbands.  Husbands should help around the house, not only to be more helpful with the wives, but in an interesting discovery, it is found that women are more interested in sex with a married men who are willing to help around the house.  However, a good sex life makes men feel important, cared about, connected with the wife, or even powerful, just as powerful as the men who are in the male dominance phase.  Men who are in the male dominance phase want sex whenever they want.  Not the same story with the women though.  Women feel that a good sex life comes after the man’s affection, caring, communication, and parenting.  Women rather wine and dine, or have an intimate conversation, while men craves for sex, because it is significant in his relationship.

The difference between the two is that men create millions of sperms, which equates to unlimited of seed that can be spread around.  Women needs to choose their mates wisely for better resources, because once she becomes pregnant, then she has to wait 9 months until she can be fertile again.

Coleman stated that men could do what women wants/ expects them to do around the house.  Men can clean up, dress the kids, do the laundry, and cook the meals, but is it up to par with the women?  Instead, men use a disjunctive response and say that they could do the work, but I would let my wife do it, because she’s faster, and can do it better.  This shows disjunctive responses by the husbands, which are unsexy to women, because it relates to denial, refusal, and negation.  This happens frequently while the men are in the male dominance phase and equity phase.

For a couple to reach the unity phase, men should communicate with the wife using conjunctive responses.  This meaning the try to accommodate what the wife wants, he listens to her, and even if he disagrees with what she says, he points that out, but also tries to do it her way.  Coleman presented that men should write out a list of what the wife wants the husbands to do, see if there’s bargains to be made, and don’t argue with her so much.

Women would also admire daily appreciations from their husband, not only to her, but for the kids, and around the house as well.  Husbands can shower her with compliments and give her physical intimacy, showing more sensorimotor conjunctions.  Physical intimacy/ contact not being sex, but hugging, or holding, etc.  Being affectionate also could consist of holding hands, giving massages, and communicating directly to her about how much you appreciate everything she does for you.

For the kids, husbands could buy their clothes, help them with school - work, take them to wherever they need to go, or making doctor’s appointments.  What husbands could do around the house is laundry, cook, clean, grocery shopping, or the dishes. 

Appreciation shows that you don’t take the wife for granted and showing that he loves her.  It’s a step on reaching the unity model of marriage, because the men are trying to help around, and communicating with the wife.  Even saying “thank you” is very powerful for the women to hear.  Even if the men aren’t doing their fair share of the work, showing any sort of appreciation will satisfy the women greatly, resulting in a happy environment, which equals happy relationship.  With the women being satisfied with her relationship, it will have a domino effect, and have the men living a satisfied relationship.

Once having a spiritual intimacy, which involves trust and agreement, you’re beginning to step into the unity phase, based on conjugial togetherness in eternity.

 

Personal Opinion

 

After reading what Coleman wrote in “The Lazy Husband”, I feel that he is spot on with a lot of the arguments that go around in a relationship.  I feel that sometimes, the husbands try to avoid doing a lot of work, because they feel that they don’t do a good of a job compared to the wife.  I also watched a lot of television shows that have the wives in the same predicament, such as “The Family Guy,” and “Everybody Loves Raymond.”  (Isn’t it funny how it’s portrayed in a lot of COMEDY shows?  Why do men think it’s funny avoiding work, and letting their wives slave around the house?)

 

I also feel that it would be nice if men let women know that they do appreciate the work the women do, or trying a conjunctive reply rather than a disconjunctive reply.  It is more “sexy” to see a man swallow his pride or adopt new things, to show that he cares and adores his wife.  Whenever my partner shows appreciation in any work I do, I feel a lot happier, and I feel that we are stepping into the Unity Phase.

 

Dr. James pointed out that even though the husbands/ boyfriends comment with conjunctive replies, he still is in the dominance or equity phase, and it’s not enough to make women’s life to be easier.  I agree with this, because a lot of the times, the boyfriend can act this way, but instantly transform into that selfish male dominance side of his.  But it’s still always good to have some positive feedbacks and appreciation rather than none.

 

 

Generational Reports (C24)

(By: Caitlin Botelho)

 

Tracey Nieto reviewed a few reports from generation 24 about anti-unity values.  Anti-unity values (AUV) are qualities, traits, actions, beliefs and attitudes that inevitably prevent a successful and happy relationship and marriage.  Anti-Unity Values prevent both the husband and wife from uniting and bonding together by forcing each spouse to remain separated from each other.  Some examples of AUV’s are listed below:

 

1) Living together unmarried

2) Having children out of wedlock

3) Making each other jealous on purpose

4) Adultery for various reasons

5) Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6) Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

7) Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8) Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

9) Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

10) Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

11) Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12) Manipulating partner through deception

13) Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

14) Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

15) Girls only or boys only entertainment

16) Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17) Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18) Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

19) Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20) Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21) Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

22) Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23) Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

 

One of the student reports from Generation 24 was by a student named Carly Kanemaru.  She observed two students’ papers on AUV’s from Generation 23. The first student, Woo, said that “men and women are portrayed the same in the media.”  Another student, Tenneson, says “it is very rare to see the unity model of marriage portrayed in the media.”  She feels that sometimes there will be equity in a relationship, but usually anti-unity values are the most portrayed in the media.

 

One assignment Carly had to do was to review a movie in which AUV’s are evident.  The movie Carly chose was “Unfaithful,” a movie about a woman who is unsatisfied with her marriage and seeks pleasure elsewhere.  Some AUV’s mentioned by Carly were: having a marital affair, dressing sexy for a man other than her husband, flirting with the opposite sex for various reasons, and manipulating the other through deception.

 

Next, Carly was to find two songs that she felt had AUV’s present in them.  The first song was “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Star.  This song is about committing adultery and lying to your spouse.  She says this song devaluates the relationship and vows that were taken by both partners.  The second song was “Big Pimpin’” by Jay Z.  In this song he degrades women and portrays men as being dominant and women as frivolous gendered beings.  Jay Z portrays women as being inferior to men and able to be dominated and controlled and he shows just how “easy” it is to manipulate women.

 

Carly also had to search amazon.com to find books on marriage; she came up with three books.  Book number one is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert.  The author of this book believes that he can predict, quite accurately, which couples will get divorced within the first five minutes of meeting them.  Book number two is Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry.  This book is basically a pre-marriage diagnostic tool that focuses mainly on the problems that men and women have in long-term relationships.  The final book is: Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised.  This book involves a Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP).  PREP teaches couples how to handle conflict better using the speaker-listener technique.

 

The second student report looked at from Generation 24 was by Skip Saito.  Skip observed a paper from Generation 23 written by Emilee Patinio in which she observed three television series which had AUV’s present.  The three shows were “Rosanne,” “Friends,” and “Living Single.”  To explain the example of AUV’s from “Rosanne,” a brief summary of the episode is necessary.  Rosanne decided to let her daughters boyfriend move in with them when she finds out his mother is abusive.  This is an AUV of living together unmarried.  When Rosanne’s husband finds out what she has done he is furious because she did not consult with him first; the AUV’s here is promoting the idea that men are more rational than women and making it look like what women say and think is less important that men’s thinking.

 

“Friends” was the second show that Emilee viewed.  Rachel who was dating Ross wanted to take a small break from their relationship.  After a few days she realized she wanted to get back with Ross but found out he had already been with another woman.  The AUV’s found here are: making each other jealous on purpose, adultery for various reasons, promiscuity, and flirting with the other sex as retaliation against one’s partner.  This episode of “Friends” was a good example of how some AUV’s could ruin or worse yet, end, a relationship.

 

Finally in “Living Single” Max finds out she is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend but does not want him to know that the baby is his.  The AUV’s present are: having children out of wedlock, separate interests and activities accepted for partners, and lying to the partner in general.  Of the three situations listed so far, this couple is the farthest away from unity. 

 

The second paper that Skip observed was written by Christina Ramirez.  She observed “Gilmore Girls,” “Desperate Housewives,” and “The George Lopez Show.”  In this particular episode of “Gilmore Girls” a wife finds out that her husband has been having lunch with an ex-girlfriend for more than 20 years.  Some AUV’s described were: adultery for various reasons, opposite sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things, flirting with opposite sex as retaliation against one’s partner.  This couple is stuck in the male dominance phase.  He is only concerned with his feelings and does not take his wife’s feelings into consideration.

 

“Desperate Housewives” had an episode where a wife was sleeping around on her husband because she felt like he didn’t give her any attention.  Obvious AUV’s here are: making each other jealous on purpose, adultery for various reasons, flirting with opposite sex as retaliation against partner, and making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor.

 

Finally is “ The George Lopez Show.”  In this episode, George gets into a fight with his mother (who lives with him and his family) and George wants her to leave.  His wife says no, and George says “either she leaves, or I leave” so George left.  Some AUV’s are: having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things, and separate interests and activities accepted for partners.  Any time parents are brought into a household, a serious strain could be placed on one’s marriage. 

 

The movie that Skip reviewed was “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”  Both husband and wife live secret, hit man lives that the other knows nothing about.  When it is discovered of the other’s job things go crazy.  The most often used AUV in this movie is manipulating your partner through deception.

 

Skip, like Carly needed to find two songs that use AUV’s.  He chose Eminem’s “Jealousy Woes II” and Usher’s “Confessions.”  Eminem’s song is all about making each other jealous on purpose (hence the title of the song).  There is adultery and basically no love in this marriage; completely opposite from the unity model of marriage.  Usher’s song tells his wife that he is having a child by another woman and he wants his wife’s forgiveness.  The husband is way too deep in the male dominance phase and needs to change himself before he can gain forgiveness from his wife.

 

Skip found two books on amazon.com that deal with marriage.  The first book is Time for a Better Marriage: Training in Marriage Enrichment.  This book shows that the basis of marriage starts in the equity model.  Main topics of discussion in this book are communication, listening and encouragement.  The second book is The Husband Book Guy’s Guide to Marriage.  The author of this book (a man) gives advice to men that will make their wives appreciate them more.  Reading this book should help men learn how to move themselves out of the male dominance phase and concentrate on their wives wants and needs.

 

Personal Opinion

 

After reviewing Anti Unity Values I agree with MOST of them, but I cannot say I agree with all of them.  I say this because I have committed number 1, 2, 9, and 11 (above).  I feel as though my doing so has not affected my relationships with my fiancée at all.  We are not at the unity level of marriage, but I understand that if we want to get there we have a lot of work to do. 

 

It was really interesting to read about these movies and television shows that were discussed above because I can now see them in a new light.  I believe we are all only aware of what is going on in the moment, not really looking for a reason behind anything.  This class has opened my eyes to see a lot of things for something other than just what it looks like on the surface.

 

 

Section 3: Team Presentation on Exercises

(By: Brandi Schmeling)

 

(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.

 

The main focus of Exercise 10.2 was to examine a web site and compare it to the unity model and see if the concepts were similar. The site was titled Achieving Intimacy In Life: Learning To Develop Lasting Relationships. It discussed four main types of intimacy: mental intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy.

Mental Intimacy:

 

The site gives an acronym for describing the necessary parts of mental intimacy.

 

L.O.V.E.

L-Listen

O-Overlook and Forgive

V-Value Each Other

E-Express Love

The only way this type of intimacy can grow is with communication. Constant and in-depth communication is necessary for mental intimacy. This is a difficult type of intimacy to achieve because communication is not easy, it takes work and effort and time.

Physical Intimacy:

This is commonly misinterpreted as simply sex. Physical intimacy is so much more than just sex though. Sex of course is included in this, but it is more about touch in general. Touch meaning tenderness, warmth and kindness between partners. This is touch in this manner leads to intimacy. It is not the reason for doing it, but instead it is like a bonus.

Spiritual Intimacy:

          This type of intimacy is a bond between two people. It is the deepest level of bonds. It is the point in which you stop thinking about yourself and begin to truly think of your spouse, and of you as a couple and what will benefit the “us” you have now formed.

          This is where God comes into play. Here, this site claims that in order to achieve spiritual intimacy, a commitment to God is required, that this is what will keep you faithful to your partner. Because of the commitment to God, this will lead you from temptations and other things such as doubt and jealousy that could lead you away from intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy:

          This is the idea of sharing. It is more than just communicating like mental intimacy. It is more than just connecting with one another as with spiritual intimacy. Emotional intimacy involves sharing thoughts, ideas, fears, hopes and in doing so being honest. This is the kind of intimacy that has the greatest risk because by being this open and this honest, you are allowing for the possibility of rejection. Emotional intimacy is essential to keeping love alive.

Here, Angela listed the ten vital signs to keeping love alive:

o       How we say it.

o       Caring enough to listen.

o       Two people realizing they do not always have to be right.

o       Patience.

o       An atmosphere of constructive and positive reinforcement.

o       Demonstrating common courtesy.

o       A mutual give and take!

o       Seeking to eliminate angry episodes.

o       Short memories of evil and long memories of good.

o       A never ending commitment to love.

Lastly on this site, there is a list of what are referred to as The Five A’s of Relationships:


Affirm. Communicate how much you love your mate.

Assert
. Honestly and calmly share your feelings and respect his/hers.

Agree
. Agree on what you can. Celebrate your agreements.

Accept
. Agree to disagree. Crystallize where you disagree and respect opposing views. Diversity can be good.

Appreciate
. Verbalize your love for your partner.

 

 

(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.

 

          Each member of the group took a section of the site and discussed the topics of the different types of intimacy. Since not all group members have presented our class was unable to have all members’ interpretations for our reports. So I will present the information that I was able to obtain from those group members who were present.

 

          Lisa discussed physical and mental intimacy from the site. After discussing what each of those terms means (as I stated above) she then gave her opinion as to whether or not these concepts were similar to the ideas in the unity model. Lisa agrees that in order to reach the unity phase, both physical and mental intimacies are required. She also discussed her thoughts on nonexclusive sex. She said that nonexclusive sex lacks the necessary intimacy required for unity therefore the two cannot coexist. Nonexclusive sex is seen as selfish in her eyes. The unity model is about being selfless and being fully committed to the unity between two people so there is no way nonexclusive sex can occur in unity.

         

          Angela discussed the spiritual and emotion aspects of intimacy. Her interpretations from the ideas presented on the site were that she sees the spiritual intimacy discussed as similar to the courting rituals in Christianity. When courting, you are with someone based on similar values and morals. The both of you are making a commitment to God which in turn a commitment to each other. This is seen in the unity model because when you commit to the unity model you are committing to a spiritual marriage, which is a commitment that is everlasting and into the afterlife. So by committing to that, the couple is committing to something bigger than the physical world, similar to the way Christians commit to God when courting.

 

          When Angela discussed the idea of spiritual intimacy being a necessary element in the unity model with a friend of hers, the friend became very offended. Angela explained that this friend of hers claims she is a ‘spiritual being but does not believe in God’. Her friend said that she did not believe that God needed to be included in order for there to be a unity model type of relationship or a spiritual connection. If this were the case then that would mean that she would never be able to obtain this kind of relationship since she did not believe in God. I think in this situation, Angela does have a bit of a narrow bias since she does believe in God. I think there could still be an idea of the afterlife without necessarily believing in God and after all the main focus on the unity model is the afterlife, not a God dictating the existence of that afterlife.

         


(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.

 

This presentation was a bit difficult to follow because it was split up over a number of class periods.  On the day this group was supposed to present, only two out of the four members were present so we only heard from two of them. Then, a week later we heard from another group member about her section. The last group member has actually yet to present so I felt like overall it would have been more affective and the ideas would have had more impact if the members were able to all present together. I am sure that all the material necessary was included but with it all broken up as it was, it was hard to follow the concepts being presented.

 


(d) What was the success of the approach they used?

 

        As I stated before, this group’s presentation was hard to follow since the members all presented on different days and one of the members has yet to even present. I did think it was good that they each split up the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy sections and all gave their own opinions and interpretations of the material. I think their group dynamic was a good mix of different points of view. It made the feedback they had diverse. With Lisa’s discussion on nonexclusive sex and Angela’s in-depth examples of her spiritual but non believer in God friend and also her comparisons to Christianity specifically really added a varied element to the presentation’s topics.

 

          I think that if the members of this group had all presented with each other on the same day this presentation would have been really affective. It was difficult to make the connections between the members when there was a weeks worth of time in between presentations.

 


(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?

 

        I thought this exercise was a really good one. I thought the directions were clear and precise. I liked that some of the content from the site was placed in the exercise so that you could get a good idea of the main points of the reading and know what parts of it were really comparable to the unity model.

 


(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?

 

        I actually thought this was not limiting at all. We read so much in this class from Dr. James and Swedenborg that it was actually nice to get an outside opinion and interpretation of similar concepts. Although this site did not discuss the Swedenborg reports or the unity model, it allowed us to look at the ideas presented in class in other, non related areas and be able to compare them and see that these ideals are the backbone to intimacy.


(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.

 

        I found a lot of similarities between the topics discussed on this site and the unity model. I think a lot of the underlying ideals were the same. This site really focused on the importance of commitment and closeness and understanding. I think these are some of the main principles behind the unity model.

         

          One thing I didn’t completely agree with was the focus of God on the site. It basically said that the presence of God was necessary to achieve spiritual intimacy. As I stated earlier, I don’t think that God specifically needs to be present. I think the idea of spirituality is much bigger than just a specific God. I think that you can still believe in the afterlife, something more than this world we are in, this physical world, without necessarily buying into the idea of God. The unity model is based on the idea of eternity and I feel eternity can exist without a specific belief in God.

 

 

Section 4: Annotated Web Links

(By: All students)

 

  1. The Positive Way

http://www.positive-way.com/men,.htm

This website shows how men and housework can lead to a better sex life.  It showed that if men help out around the house, both feel more respected and loved, and women don’t feel much as a slave, raising her intimacy level.

 

  1. Personal Development – Why should you show appreciation

http://www.whatithinkabout.com/why-you-should-show-appreciation/

An Intj explains how appreciation can be a big factor in one’s relationship.  There are different benefits on when to show it and how to show it, and the penalties when not showing appreciation.

 

  1. Boys II Men – Thank You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnbdCzXtb6o

This song shows exactly what men should do.  Saying “Thank You” is very simple and easy to say, but it has a big and powerful meaning.

http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Boyz-II-Men/Thank-You.html   = Those are the lyrics if you want to read it.

 

4. Marriage Intimacy

http://www.marriageintimacy.com/emotional-conflict-intimacy.htm

This is a site that is written for men, and it answers the question “How Can You Meet Your Wife's Need For Emotional Intimacy?” and it discusses the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of it.

 

5. Marriage and Intimacy Relationship Quiz

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/surrendered_wife_relationship_quiz.html

This is a quiz for women to take to evaluate the intimacy levels in their marriage

 

6. Spiritual Secrets

http://www.metaphysicalspiritualhealing.com/abundance/4-manifesting-abundance-prosperity-wealth-money.htm

This is a different take on the idea of “spiritual secrets” as described by Swedenborg.  This is almost a kind of secret spiritually that leads to wealth and prosperity.

 

7. Emotional Intimacy

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/ColeenL1.html

This is Coleen’s idea of “emotional intimacy” and how this differs from the idea of “sexual intimacy.”  It is interesting to view another person’s idea of these two terms and how they compare and contrast to the definitions provided by Swedenborg and Dr. James.

 

  1. 8 Stages of Intimacy

http://www.couplescompany.com/advice/Articles/Intimacy_Stages/Intimacy6.htm

This is a very interesting article that lays out 8 stages of intimacy.  It explains how the couple can progress through these 8 stages to build a stronger bond and longer lasting relationship with each other.  It has some of the ways listed by Swedenborg but definitely has more stages.  This is interesting!

 

  1. Marital intimacy

http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm

This is an article that gives another perspective and point of view on what is “marital intimacy.”  We know the idea of intimacy from Swedenborg but this is just another take on the concept.

 

  1. God’s view on relationships

 http://www.calvaryftl.org/Ministries/Family/Gods-Veiw-On-Relationships.cfm

This is an article that illustrates some ideas of what “Godly relationships” are.  It talks about the differences between religious relationships and non-religious relationships and whether they should be treated differently or somewhat the same.