A True effort
to Conjoin
This is Report 4
By:
Co-Authors:
Psy 409b, Spring
2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor,
Link to the Class
Home Page
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: Lecture Content
(By: Brandon Nacapoy)
Part A: Three parts
of the threefold self
The external sensorimotor effects (S) are our actions in
the physical world. This involves
sensory, verbal, and motor interactions which include our gestures, words,
tone, actions, etc. The cognitive
self (C) is all of our thinking and what the couple agrees upon in their
decisions and beliefs. The affective
self (A) is what motivates and controls what we are thinking which include what the
couple feels for each other, whether their intentions match, and whether they
enjoy the company of one another and are trying to reach the same mutual
goals. In my relationship, I now use the
three parts of the threefold self to examine how my interactions, thoughts, and
intentions relate to my girlfriend’s.
With the greater understanding I have so far, I can do this examination
with a bit more ease with the positive bias rather than the negative bias I
started the course with.
In the following chart taken from Dr. James’s lecture notes N16d, the
husband’s (A) controls the (C), and both control the (S)
through the physical body in the natural world.
This is Table
16d.1
Characteristics of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL HE USES |
THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
3 UNITY |
** tries
to never talk in an unfriendly tone |
** thinks
that his masculine views don't matter as much as his wife's views (which
include his), since he is trying to adopt her
feminine views for the sake of unity in eternity. Recall that the wife's
views are influenced by the husband's views to begin with. |
** loves
to learn how to make his wife more central in his mind than himself |
|
2 EQUITY |
** talks
like he is always out to defend his views, rights, or conveniences |
** thinks
that her views are not as relevant to the specific situation |
** loves
to retain for himself some areas of independence |
|
1 MALE DOMINANCE |
**
interrupts her |
** thinks
that women are less intelligent than men |
** loves
to dominate her more than to be intimate with her |
*We can now
view in turn, the three different phases, and how couples relate and interact
at these three phases of the Unity Model.
The First phase is the Male Dominance Phase. This is when the males own interests are
first and foremost in the relationship and he tries to always dominate her and
retain his independence. He puts himself
at the center of the relationship. At
the (S) level he degrades her and talks to her in a very disrespectful
tone and manner and is forceful in his actions to cause intimidation. At the (C) level he feels that men are
more intelligent and only cares about his views and if they suit his own
agenda. At the (A) he tries to
always dominate her and would rather have a night out with the “boys” than
spend quality time with her.
The next phase is the Equity Phase.
He still may have the desire to dominate the relationship but the
emphasis is now placed more on fairness between both partner’s wants and ideas
and the topic or task at hand. At the (S)
level he will name call and still lies and tries to control her and becomes
defensive to protect his own views. At
the (C) level he prefers his own views as rational and fair and will
hide things from her to retain his control over her. He fears a loss of control if he gives in to
her. At the (A) level he resists
as much as possible to acknowledge his wife’s views and will make room to be
alone by himself to have “alone time” away from her when he feels the need to
do so to keep independence.
The third and final phase is the Unity Phase. This is when the man has now switched his
main focus to his wife. At the (S)
level he will try his best to not disrespect her verbally and will always appear
interested in what she does. At the (C)
level he thinks his views are not as important as her views and he will try to
adopt these feminine views (although they still include his) in his ever
continuing desire to conjoin in Unity.
At the (A) level he puts all of his wife’s thoughts, feelings,
intentions, and emotions at the center of his own interests’ and he will do
everything he can to reach and maintain affective intimacy.
After reading through this chart I personally feel that my girlfriend and I
constantly go back and forth between the equity phase and the unity
phase but we usually find ourselves at the (A) level of equity and
the (S) and (C) level of the unity phase. I find myself feeling that sometimes if I give
into her desires and let her know about everything I do, I give up some of my
independence and right now I am not ready to have true affective intimacy with her because of this although I am trying my best to do so.
Part: B- Sect.
2 notes continued… followed up by examples from my own relationship.
“The husband who wants to be a Unity
husband has to learn to accept and love the following principles of good
behavior towards his wife:”
1. Not to express disagreement through the sensorimotor
self ( head , face, hands, stance, voice, touch,
speech acts). Wanting to learn from the wife what she sees and experiences
about his sensorimotor expressions when he interacts
with her under various situations or issues.
*
I find myself sometimes “biting my tongue” because I know that I need to put
her needs before my own. This aids me to
not disagree with her and to continue in our attempt towards Unity. But I do admit that I struggle and sometimes
my non-verbal communication is a lot more expressive than my verbal
communication.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. Not to express disagreement in verbal exchanges that are experienced by the wife as disjunctive. Wanting to
learn from the wife what she experiences as disjunctive and unsexy
conversational style.
*It
is my duty to not only disagree but also to not appear unsexy towards her. This is hard because both of us are very
head-strong individuals and for me to keep from any disjunctive behavior is
hard because I always have the urge to correct her and argue back if I know I’m
right. We both are arguers and this
definitely always seems to cause rifts in the relationship but it is becoming
less frequent.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. Not to perform acts of disloyalty to her. Not to betray her to
others by revealing things she does not want them to know. Not to discuss her
with anyone in a way she would object if she heard a recording of the
conversation. Not to lie to her in order to protect himself from her disapproval.
Not to ignore what she says, but to think about it and remember it, and make it
important to him.
*I
feel I break this principle when my girlfriend and I argue. Normally she will leave and take time alone
or I will go and have my alone time at the gym or at a friend’s place and I’ll
sometimes make comments about her that I know she would be offended by. This would be an example; “She’s always like
that, you try living with her, she’s crazy!”
This is definitely not being a good “Unity” boyfriend and I need to work
on this.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. To be supportive of her by encouraging her in what she wants to
do or accomplish. To want to strengthen her self-confidence
and thus, not to do or say anything that would weaken it or hurt it. To listen to her, to understand her, to learn from her, to admire
her thinking, to appreciate her humor, to love her observations and perspective
on various things.
*I
feel that I am quite strong in this principle.
My girlfriend is the best hula dancer I have ever seen and I always make
it a point to tell her that she is the best when I can. I will even find myself gazing in awe at her
while she dances hula and I know that her confidence is strengthened and she
knows I appreciate her. I even take tips
from her and learn how I can become a better hula dancer myself.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. To be protective of her sense of security and her
vulnerabilities. To love her femininity. To be soft and sweet with her, always. To
avoid giving her worries. To relieve her stress and
anxieties.
*This
is another principle I have trouble with sometimes. Sometimes we will play around or “play-fight”
and she’ll tell me that I’m being to rough with her and that she’s not one of
the “boys” that I can just push around.
I also know where she is most vulnerable and once in a while I will use
this against her to sometimes hurt her feelings. I know that it isn’t right but I am doing my
best to change this.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. To be useful to her in various ways that make
her life more comfortable. To learn to offer to do things for her, then to
learn to do them in a way she approves and likes.
*I
am good at trying to do things for her but I know that I don’t get the job done
all the time. She always tells me that I
never fix the bed correctly and fix it the way she wants it fixed and that she
wishes I could massage her all the time she comes home from practice because
her body is sore but it’s hard for me to do that. She finishes so late at night that by the
time she gets home, I’m already tired and ready to go to sleep. I can definitely improve on this principle by
massaging her like a man is supposed to.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
7. To touch her every time he sees her. To keep himself clean,
shaven, and attired in clean, attractive clothes. To learn how she likes to be
touched and aroused. To pay attention to details. To
learn how to make her laugh, and what puts her in a good mood. To be dedicated to her happiness.
*
I am always “touchy-feely” with her but for her, she doesn’t like that all the
time. Sometimes she gets irritated when
I’m constantly trying to touch her. One
the other hand, I definitely always take the time to keep myself well-groomed
and well kept. I am one of those guys
who always will try to dress and look nice if we are going out anywhere because
I think it’s important to look good in public unless you’re going to the beach
or something. She definitely appreciates
this about me.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
8. To learn how she wants him to make up when he precipitated a
state of disjunction between them, by violating good principles of action. To
learn how to perform procedures of (a) sufficient apology, (b) felt remorse,
and (c) fun ideas about restitution or compensation (e.g., surprises that
delight her).
*Lastly,
I am great at making up with her after a state of disjunction. We used to argue a lot in the relationship
and I always say sorry whether I am right or wrong. I feel that it is important for both partners
to find their own sense of appreciation and a “sorry” after arguments allow the
relationship to grow. I also try to
surprise her with gifts or plans for the evening when I’ve made her mad because
I know that she really enjoys just spending time with me wherever I decide to take
her.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Team Presentation on
(By: Allison Ozaki)
The Lazy Husband
Joshua Coleman
Chapter 6: It’s A Personality Thing
Pages 113-149
MAIN IDEA
The main
idea presented by the team was the affect personality has on the marriage. The husband
and the wife both have behaviors that were either conditioned or inbred and in
a marriage these behaviors can cause a negative impact. Joshua Coleman shows
couples the reasons why they might be acting the way that they do and how to
change the disruptive behaviors that are affecting their marriage. This chapter
will look at common personality types, how they can create problems, and how to
create change.
These
personalities are The Boy-Husband, The Worried Wife, The Worried Husband, The
Perfectionist Husband, The Perfectionist Wife, The Angry Husband, and The Angry
Wife. Coleman goes through each one, explaining the development of the
personality and giving tools to promote change.
UNITY MODEL OF MARRIAGE’S CONTRIBUTION
The Lazy
Husband titters between the Dominance Phase and Equity Phase of the Unity Model of
Marriage. Therefore, in this chapter there is an emphasis on the partners
changing their personality together to make their marriage better rather than
the male changing to the woman’s personality. He
states that the man and the women might both be contributing factoring to
marriage problems, which is exemplified in the titles of different
personalities Coleman has identified.
Coleman
seems to be concentrating only on the sensorimotor
aspect of the three-fold self, trying to change the behaviors of the partners.
He deals with the ‘inability to solve problems’ and worrying too much’, both
having to do with actions and neither with the affective or cognitive aspect.
Lecture Notes 16d
Leon James
MAIN IDEA
The main idea of this chapter is the three-fold self and the levels they
function from. The Dominance Phase, Equity Phase and the Unity Phase are the
levels of the Unity Model of Marriage. The sensorimotor,
cognitive and affective selves make up the three-fold self and once all three
are connected to another persons three-fold self, then
unity is achieved.
The notes go through each phase and selves, explaining what each one is. The
Dominance phase puts men in control and gives men the power, which leaves the
woman to accommodate him and puts him as the main focus. The Equity phase
equates the man and the woman. Their decisions are weighed equally and neither
has power over the other. The Unity phase is the opposite of the Dominance. The
man accommodates the woman and she is the focus of the marriage. The Unity
phase is the phase to achieve and create harmony in because it will continue
into eternity.
OPINION
A part of the team’s presentation and the one topic of the chapter is the
concept that women are angry and complain and use their womanly ways to
persuade. While I believe that this is true to extent, just as men are
aggressive and use intimidation to persuade is true to an extent, it is a
stereotype that stigmatizes woman.
The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, by Dr.
Laura Schlessinger: Chapter 6
(P.181-189)
(By:
Chloe Yogi)
When one feels angry or feels
victimized in a relationship, we forget to do or say things to make the
situation better.
DON’T RUN FROM THE PROBLEM!
Use these 10 Alternatives.
1. There is no “I” in TEAM!
**They
should strive together to eliminate any love, affection, desire or goal that is
antagonistic or independent of the other partner’s loves and goals. They should
also remain best friends throughout this process and protect each other’s
feelings.
**He
has accomplished the first rule of conjugial
conversation. He brought them back to their beginnings and tried to convince
her that he pays attention to their relationship. This situation also applies
to the fourth rule of conjugial conversation in which
he enhances her mood and making her feel loved.
3. Mutual Forgiveness.
**In
the unity model, a man must focus on affective intimacy, and keep himself from
disagreeing with her about any demands. These are the ways that she is
attempting to be affectively intimate with him. She is trying to influence him
so he doesn’t just act from himself alone but from her as well. Mutual
forgiveness can be seen as affective intimacy where he acts from her will and
then his own.
4. Dump your Prideful Ways
**Dr.
James states, “A wife has to be able to express her true feelings without her
husband accusing her of not respecting his point of view. Husbands who operate
in the equity phase will constantly justify themselves to their partner.
This is an expression of their
intellectualized feelings that come from a focus on affective equity. He will
not achieve a deeper relationship because his focus on equity in feelings is to
maintain his affective independence.
5. Ignore the Sometimes Not So Small Stuff.
**The
man is in the dominance phase where he physically and mentally abuses his wife
expressing disconjunctive behavior. His mindset is
now in the equity phase, in which the man gets mad at wife because she yells at
him, so he hits her in return. Why would anyone hurt the one they love?
6. You’re The Genius! No…Honey, You’re the
Genius!
** A
woman always wants to know what her husband thinks about a situation because
she values his opinion, and she depends on him. She wants to depend on his
masculine intelligence, and this is all a part of conjugial
unity.
7. Nicer to Strangers.
**First
rule of conjugial conversation is that the man must
always pretend that he is on a permanent date with his wife. He must always try
to convince her that he is a good man for her, and accept the idea that he has
to be nice to her. If he understands this he will be in the unity model of
marriage.
8. It Is a Far Greater Blessing to Give than
Receive.
**In
the unity model, the husband has reached mental intimacy therefore knows when
his wife is upset or needs something. Dr. Laura idea is in the male dominance
stage, where the man doesn’t know how his wife feels.
9. Forget Re-writing history.
10. Kings &
**All
the relationship examples above seem to be in the male dominance phase or
equity phase, in which the husband understands he needs to communicate, compliment
and share his thoughts and feelings while respecting hers to reach the unity
model of marriage.
Thoughts of
the 10 Alternatives
Dr. Laura brings up 10 great
alternatives to solve a marriage problem. I do agree with her on the most part
of this. I personally feel that cheating is wrong on all levels and there is no
excuse for it. Dr. Laura thinks otherwise (that both partners are at fault if
one cheats). Alternative #9 is forgetting the past. I think if someone were to
cheat on you, you can’t forget about it. It hurt way too much for you to just
forget it. You may forgive, but the marriage may crumble. Some people take back
cheaters and if that is their choice and they are truly happy about it, then so
be it. Also alternative #5 is to ignore the small
stuff. This may be a problem because us women notice
the small things in life and we remember it. It’s in our minds and it bothers
us. Sometimes we think too much! I feel small problems should be confronted in
an agreeable and rational manner and it shall be solved rationally.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 3: Team Presentations on Exercises
(By: Chloe Yogi)
(a)
Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.
The team presented on lecture 8, Male Dominance Phase of Marriage which discussed Dr. Laura’s
perspective. They mentioned that Dr. Laura came from a male dominance
perspective. The lecture discussed that women do not give into sex as much and
they should have sex with husband to keep the marriage alive. The group and I
did not agree with Dr. Laura saying that men should be given sex even if he did
not deserve it. Then they mentioned Dr. James’ taking on sex in marriage where
the man should accept the woman’s choices and decisions and to know the woman’s
turn-ons and turn-offs. The group and I agreed with
Dr. James’ steps of healthy sex in a healthy marriage.
The team then discussed the video of Dr. Laura. According
to them, she sounded like a whole other person because she seemed to be taking
a “woman comes first” perspective: making the woman feel
good, complimenting her, and lovingly caressing her. She still had that male
perspective because she did mention that women should uphold the home, and be a
good wife. What does she mean by being a good wife? Taking care of the kids,
cooking, cleaning, and starching? She says one thing and then turns it around
and makes herself look bad again. I do not trust everything she says and I do
feel that she is siding with the male population. This branches off into that
“popularity with the boys” high school issue. I wonder what she truly thinks.
(b) Describe what they did
and how they interpreted it.
The group used the lecture 8, Male Dominance Phase of Marriage as an overview of what will
be discussed. They talked about how women can be forced to have sec by their
husbands and that men should listen and understand why women don’t comply with
men in this situation. I think Dr. James brings up good points about the men
knowing the facts of their spouses and that men should accept women’s decisions
not to have sex. Men shouldn’t get mad! I think they presented it well and
clear.
(c) Describe some of the
ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
I felt the ideas were expressed clearly. I entirely
understood the “mixed messages” Dr. Laura presented in the video and that men
get sexual frustration once in a while, but they need to learn how to deal with
it. The entire class seemed to have disagreed with Dr. Laura and a few got
defensive about what she said that women should give in to sex more often (no
mutual intimacy). She does not understand that “No means no”!
(d) What was the success of
the approach they used?
They were quite successful with what they used because
this presentation led to a debate between the females and the one male in the
class. He brought up a reason why men cheat and a female spoke up and said that
there is no valid reason why men cheat. The females began nodding their heads
and the male was getting scared! Most men seem to have a tendency to seek sex
elsewhere when they are not getting any at home. This is no excuse, but this is
truth of the matter.
(e) What improvements are
needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
I don’t see any improvements to be made because of the
opinionated questions presented. The question presented that generalize what
people really think is the questions like “What do your friends and spouses
think?”. This brings real life into the literature and
that is a good way to relate and understand the concepts presented.
(f) What are the limitations
of these types of exercises?
The
only limitation I se is what Dr. Laura really thinks. No one can go inside her
head and scoop out the truth, but her personal life somewhat contradicts the
title of her book, The Proper Care of
Marriage. Her recent husband now was her former lover while married to her
first husband. Something does not seem right for me.
(g) Describe what happened
when you did some of the steps of the exercises
After watching the video, I though she was a fiesty old lady, but shocked at her not-so-fiesty appearance. She does not look like her picture on
the book. I also was offended at some of her comments that women have
obligations to do house work and chores, like the everyday 50’s mother. She
makes it like it is a woman’s duty in life to take care of the home. On the
other hand, I entirely agreed with Dr. Laura that a man complimenting a woman
and making her feel loved is great in a marriage.
I asked a few of my friends about this and they sided
with Dr. James, that men should accept the women’s choices and to not get mad
over lack of sex. If they respect their women they will understand. My mom
feels that she will never find a man that will comply and do everything for
her, but she does feel that more men should comply. I also had a few friends tell me there’s no
such thing as a man who complies to a woman all the time! Well, isn’t that
comforting?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 4: Annotated Web Links
(By: Brandon Nacapoy, Allison
Ozaki, & Chloe Yogi)
5. “12
Rules of a Happy Marriage.” http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/12-rules-for-marriage.html Marriage is sometimes sweet and
sometimes sour. It requires a lot of effort but the rewards
are endless. It is good to hear some
experiences from people around the world.
Glenn McDonald shares his “12 advices” which he gave his sister as a
part of their wedding ceremony.
6. “Secrets to
a Happy Marriage.” http://www.romancestuck.com/marriage-advice.htm. This shares some advice from
self-proclaimed happily married couples.
7.
7. 7. “Letting go of a Bad Marriage.” http://www.parents.com/parents/story.jsp?storyid=/templatedata/fc/story/data/1148392603009.xml. If you want to hold on to a strong marriage,
it often means letting go of your urge to be in control of everything.
8. “Dr. Laura: Women share blame for cheating
men”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23575221/
http://video.msn.com/dw.aspx?mkt=en-us&from=truveo&vid=fb8fdfd2-4940-4c67-91b9-cd72dfab6e74 (video)
Dr. Laura talks about cheating men and blames it on women as
well because they drive their husbands to cheat. She stated this on the Today
show over the controversial Spitzer sex scandal. She explains that she has kept
marriages together after affairs when blaming the wives. Viewers we outraged by
her statement saying that it’s like she’s blaming a rape victim for being in
the wrong place and a “you should have known” attitude. Dr. Laura is getting
herself in hot water over this.
9.
“Marriage and Sex.”
http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/marriage/marriage.html
This article talks about how to keep sex alive in a
marriage. Sex can be one important factor in a marriage and to completely
satisfy your partner is what one partner should do to the other. It’s amazing
that an average couple has sex about 61 times a year which is a little over
once a week. Is that sufficient enough?
10.
“Daydream Deceiver.”
http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/thinksex.asp
This article bashes the rumor that men think of sex every 7
seconds. Men do think about sex a lot, but I think women think about just as
much as men do. Women are just a little more goal oriented and sometimes don’t
have time to be thinking of the common pleasure. Most women seem to have more
control their sexual urges more responsibly.
11. “Friends:
Rachel’s Erotic Book.”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=c5SzaYulsqI&feature=related
In this video clip from the TV series, Friends, Joey finds Rachel’s erotic book. He realizes it and teases
her about it. This clip portrays that women do
think about sex a lot, but they do through literature whereas men are
straightforward and go straight to the hardcore porn. Women need to be eased
into sex and it may seem like too much work for men. Sometimes women like the
full sex story while the man wants the brief summary.